Em's "Everything" Journal
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    Posting Addict emily80's Avatar
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    Default Em's "Everything" Journal

    Well I decided to start a new journal. I have had the exercise/fitness journals, a ttc journal, a pregnancy journal, etc but I finally decided to go ahead and make an "everything" journal where i can just discuss what is going on in my life. I really need this outlet since right now I am having a lot going on that I need to let out.

    A little background information on me: I am 27 years old and my name is Emily. I have been married for 5 years and we decided in 2005 to start ttc our first child. We got pregnant our first cycle ttc, but that pregnancy ended in June 05 with a blighted ovum. We decided to ttc as soon as we were able. We knew we would be parents one day, and our wish came true in November 06. Logan, our son, was born on November 8, 2006 at 6:03 am. He was and is a true blessing. He is now 17 months old, and we recently began ttc our 2nd child, and after 2 months of ttc we found out we were pregnant again, which gets us up to date.

    3 weeks ago we went to the doctor for what we believed was our 6 week u/s. I knew it was probably early but with Logan we saw his heartbeat at 7 weeks, so I knew we would see something. During our u/s the doctor saw the sac, but again nothing in it. He wasn't worried though, and said it just looked like it was too early to see anything. He thought we were only 4-5 weeks pregnant. Deep down, I knew there was no way I was only 4-5 weeks pregnant, but I was hoping that maybe I ovulated a few days later than I thought. Well each day that I didn't spot I got more and more excited that this pregnancy may make it. That is until the spotting actually started. About a week ago, I began to spot brown. I have always heard brown is good since it is old blood, but I knew something was off. I just let it happen though, since there wasn't much I could do about it. Well this past Monday, I began to bleed. It was bright red and with the cramping I knew that it was a m/c. Since I was out of town, I couldn't get in to see my doctor, so I went in this morning instead. Today I found out that he is 95% sure that I am having another m/c. We saw a sac, which was bigger than 3 weeks ago, but nothing was in the sac. It measured around 5 weeks, which by now I should be at least 7-8 weeks along (9 by my lmp). So he decided to wait till Monday, do another hcg test and scan and go from there. If it is the same, which it will be, I will be scheduled for another d&c. I am hoping though that the bleeding I have been experience will pick up so that I don't have to have another d&c. It is really weird how relaxed and calm I am with this news. I guess I am just happy to know what is actually happening. Yes I would have been so thrilled to have had good news, but I have had such a stressful few weeks that finally finding out is a release. I know that we will have a healthy pregnancy in the future, Logan is proof of that, but it just wasn't our time.

    This week has been really hard for me. Not only am I having a m/c and the feelings with that, but I also found out last Saturday that my beloved grandmother had passed away. She was 94 years old, and a huge influence in my life. When my parents divorced we moved in with my grandmother until we bought our own home. She was basically another parent to me. Her funeral was this past Monday (yes the same day I began to bleed) and was extremely hard on me. My brothers and the entire family came into town. We have a very close extended family, and having a get together without my grandmother was so hard. But I know she is in a better place, and not in any pain. She is watching over me and hopefully I can live my life so that I make her proud.

    We got home yesterday afternoon, but since I had my class last night I got nothing done. We have zero groceries, but thankfully one of my friends is bring dinner over for us tonight. It is nice to not have to worry about cooking with everything that has been going on. Anyway like I said, with everything that is going on in my life, I have a lot to talk about. If you got to this point, thanks for reading= hopefully each post wont be this long
    Last edited by emily80; 04-17-2008 at 04:15 PM.

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    Saturday April 12th

    Wow, can I just say how tiring having a 17 month old is. Logan is absolutely a busy little guy, and is enjoying getting into everything. He is always into some kind of trouble, and doesn't listen or at least pay attention to the word NO. I don't know how to get him to listen to me when I tell him no. He just laughs and continues to do whatever he was doing- like it is a game to him. The tantrums are also getting worse. Logan's newest trick is to scream at the top of his lungs everytime we get onto him, which aggitates me to no end. I know it is just his way of communicating but ugh it is getting old fast. But he is an absolute sweetheart most of the time, I guess I am just tired today.

    Today has been a normal Saturday around here. Logan and I went to Target for our weekly grocery shopping. It was a good trip, but I got really week while we were shopping. I ate breakfast so I know it isn't blood sugar related, maybe it is the fact that I have been bleeding continuosly for a week or caffiene related. Who knows? Dh stayed home and finished our taxes, which thankfully were ontime this year. We are getting a nice bit back, so we are happy about that. This afternoon dh is going to cut the yard, while I do some inside cleaning.

    As for my the m/c, I am still bleeding but not the full blown like I should. I know that I am going to end up having a d&c which sucks. I am not sure how safe or healthy having numerous d&c's can be. BUt I guess my doctor wouldn't do it if it can cause longterm problems. My FIL has volunteered to come watch LOgan during my follow up appointment on Monday, which is definitely helpful. I just have to find out now when the d&c will be, and try to arrange someone to be go with me (dh will be out of town for a conference for the entire week). My mom has volunteered to come up for the surgery, but since all my aunts/uncles are coming down to work at my grandmother's apartment, she wont be able to stay and help afterwards. My in-laws will help out, but I hate asking for help.

    Anyway so today not much new is going on. Logan is being a handful and I am just waiting on this m/c to pass. Hopefully tomorrow I will have something new report. Do you know how wierd it is to be waiting to pass your baby? It is just a strange feeling...
    Last edited by emily80; 04-17-2008 at 04:15 PM.

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    Sunday April 13th

    Still not bleeding like I should. I have been cramping a lot recently, and I have noticed that when the cramping picks up the bleeding does too, but still no tissue or clots just regular blood. I have been really weak this weekend though, is this a symptom of bleeding for a week or is this my hormone levels dropping. Whatever it is, it sucks.

    Dh leaves today for a weeklong trip to Vegas. He is going for a trade show with work, and he isn't real happy that he has to go this week with everything going on. He may be able to come home when I have the d&c but it depends on when and how work is going. I always hate when he leaves, especially now with our dog not here. We had a 60 lb golden/chow mix, who always made me feel safe when I was home alone but he passed away a few months ago.

    Anyway we haven't done much today. Logan is very whiny today, which makes me wonder if he is teething. He is waiting on his eye teeth to pop through, so it wouldn't surprise me. We ran back to Target this morning, since the pre-paid cell phone I purchased yesterday (Logan threw my other one in the toilet, and even though it turns on I can't call anyone) wasn't activitated like it should have been. It worked out well for us, since they had to rering it up, which led to a $3 discount (it was on sale). Anyway so that is all we have done today. Just a lazy Sunday around our house.
    Last edited by emily80; 04-17-2008 at 04:16 PM.

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    It is still Sunday here, and I am bored so I thought I would just type.

    After dh left, I had an emotional attack. I am doing pretty well with the whole m/c, but occasionally it does hit me that I am going through this again. Logan came up to me today, crawled into my lap and laid his head down, and it just hit me that I wasn't going to be having another wonderful child anytime soon and won't get to experience these new joys again... Then other thoughts came into my head, What if the two babies I have m/c are the girls that I will never have, What if Logan is the only child I will be able to have, What is wrong with me??.. It just hit all at once.. I am doing better now, but for a short while I was a crying mess.

    The cramping has started to get worse. There have been several times where the bleeding has picked up, but not like it probably should be. But maybe I can just talk to my doctor and see if I can try to pass this on my own. I just hate not knowing what to do. I wish dh was here to help and to be with me..

    I also started thinking about my grandmother today. I still can't believe that she is gone. I just miss her so much. She has always been such a huge influence in my life, and it just doesn't seem like my heart is whole anymore. Grandmother if you are up there watching over me, please know that I love you and miss you. Please say hi to my lost family members, including my two angel babies and watch over me.. I love you!!
    Last edited by emily80; 04-17-2008 at 04:16 PM.

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    Monday April 14

    Last night after I did that last post, I went to bed. Before I went upstairs, I went to the bathroom. In the amount of time it took me to lock up and go upstairs, I had a lot of bleeding w/ cramps and clots. But it wasn't enough to matter. This morning I had my follow up appointment w/ my obgyn. He came in and mentioned my hcg levels which were around 22000. They are suppose to be around 40000 or higher, so they were lower than expected. Even though they are so high, it is pretty normal with a blighted ovum to have high levels, your body thinks you are pregnant, but nothing forms in the sac. Anyway so he asked if I had any bleeding this weekend, and I told him yes.

    He then moved on to the u/s. I didn't want to look at the screen- I knew what was there. So he started the u/s, and I hear him clicking away. I looked up and saw the empty sac staring back at me. It was measuring around 7 weeks, but absolutely nothing was visible in the sac. By this point with Logan we saw him and a heartbeat. After a couple of measurements, he told me that this one is going to be a m/c. Which didn't surprise me at all.

    Anyway we decided to go ahead and do a d&c this evening. They are going to run my hcg levels again and should have them back by lunch. I am not sure what will happen if they go up. Will he decide to hold off on the d&c? Anyway they are going to call me and let me know what time to be at the hospital, and all I know is it will probably be around 5 or 5:30 tonight. I called my mom and she will be here around 2 pm. Either my fil/mil or my mom's boyfriend (Stan) will watch Logan, while mom/Stan?? goes with me to the hospital. Hopefully we will be home before too late tonight.

    Mom will then stay with us until Wednesday morning to help me out. By then I should be fine, but if not I will go over to my inlaws house. My fil works from home so if need be he can help out with Logan while I rest (YEAH RIGHT)..

    Anyway I will update when I find out for sure what is going on tonight... Wow I was hoping I would never have to go through this again..
    Last edited by emily80; 04-17-2008 at 04:17 PM.

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    Tuesday April 15

    After my appointment yesterday, I never heard anything back from the doctors office. Around 1 pm I decided to call them, but they told me they would call me back with all the details. Finally around 2, they called me back but told me the hospital wanted me there around 3 (Remember this was at 2 and the hospital is a good 40 minutes away). Also my mom wasn't here yet, so I told them I wouldn't be there until around 4 pm.

    We got there right around 4, registered, got bloodwork done, and then was given our room. It looks like we were late, since so many people kept asking if I was ready. I guess the doctors/surgeons were waiting on me. But I have to admit I didn't care, if I had heard before 2 what was going on there may have been a better chance for me to be there on time.

    Anyway the d&c went smoothly. I am healing quickly- not much cramping or bleeding. Just a little tired and weak today, but hopefully that will be over once the anesthia and anti-nausea medicine is out of my system. As for how I feel emotionally- it is starting to hit that i lost another baby. I just want to know why this keeps happening. It really makes me rethink ttc.

    I am so amazed by all of my friends. They have arranged dinners/lunch for us till Saturday. Can you believe that? I am so thankful to have such wonderful friends and family.
    Last edited by emily80; 04-17-2008 at 04:17 PM.

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    Wednesday April 16

    Man I am tired. My mom and Stan left this morning around 9 am, and Logan has been going full force all day. He definitely isn't making the day easy for me. I am feeling better, the nausea and dizzyness have gone away, but today the cramps and bleeding have come back. Around lunch time, I got really bad cramps but after resting during Logan's nap I feel so much better. I just have to make sure to take it easy. I can tell the more I carry Logan the worse I feel. Fun huh??

    Today I got some wonderful food. I can't believe my fellow members of my mom's club care that much about me. One of my friends, Tiffany, and her little girl stopped bye and bought me Taco Bell for lunch. Then I got a huge editible bouquet of fruit (strawberries, chocolate covered bananas, etc...) from 2 more Mom's club members. Then tonight, Rachel, bought over spaghetti w/ meatballs & garlic bread. Logan loved the garlic bread, me I loved the spaghetti

    So today has been a pretty good day. I feel so blessed!!
    Last edited by emily80; 04-17-2008 at 04:18 PM.

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    Thursday April 17th

    Today has been a nice day so far. The weather is absolutely beautiful here. Our high is in the mid/upper 70's, with sunny skies. This is always my favorite time of the year. It always makes days so much easier when the weather is beautiful.

    I woke up last night to another household appliance going crazy. Our smoke detector decided at 1 am to have a low battery, so it began to beep over and over. I finally figured out which one it was, and for the life of my couldn't figure out how to get the device off the wall. Anyway I called dh and got it fixed. Now I just can't get it back on the wall, so we have the beautiful wires hanging down now. DH will fix it when he gets home tomorrow night.

    Today has been an easy day with Logan. This morning one of my fellow mom's club members came over for a playdate with Logan. She has a little boy that is a couple months younger. We decided to walk over to my neighbors house, who has a park in her backyard, or at least close enough to one. We stayed over there till almost noon, and once we got home I fed Logan and put him to bed. He is still asleep (that was 3 hours ago). He Never takes this long of a nap. It is wonderful. I got really weak and crampy during our outing, so this long of a break has been nice.

    Anyway so today has been a good day. I am still crampy and bleeding, but it is getting better each day. I just have to take it easy, which is why I decided not to go to class tonight, or to work (daycare at church) tomorrow. I didn't think picking up other children for 3 hours, and then coming home to do it with Logan would be good. Hopefully this will be the last time that I have to miss work on Friday mornings.

    Anyway I better go, Logan is starting to stir

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    Saturday April 19th

    Yesterday was a good day, pretty much like all the rest of this week. In the morning, Logan and I actually got out of the house and went to the park with a friend of mine and her little boy. Then dh came home in the afternoon. It was nice to have him home- finally!!

    Today has been a hard day for me. I am emotionally drained and I think it is finally kicking in what all I have been. I am having a down day. This morning Logan woke us up at 6:15, yelling mama, mama, mama- over and over again. Not a fun way to wake up. But we ate breakfast and then ran to Lowes to pick up some veggies for our garden and some plants/flowers for our backyard flower bed. Hopefully something will actually grow in it this year (everything we have planted back there has died). This afternoon, I ran to Kohl's to pick up some clothes for Logan and hopefully to find me some shirts. Wow I look absolutely disgusting in the mirrors, which made me even more depressed today.

    I haven't been happy with my body in quite some time. I think the happiest I have ever been, was when I was in college and around 115 lbs. I was finally starting to fit perfectly in my jeans, and overall liked the way my curves looked. I am pretty short (5'3'') and if you look at my weight (128 lbs) I probably am actually considered healthy. But ever since I had my son, my body has never been the same. I gained 45 lbs with Logan, but lost it pretty quickly- I am now down 10 lbs from where I was when I got pregnant but as most mother's know nothing went back to where it was. Since Logan was a big baby, my tummy is so stretched out, I know if I did abs maybe it would be different, so that is my new resolution to tone up.

    I am going to get this body in better shape by the end of this summer. I plan on walking 2 days a week, water aerobics 1 day a week, and maybe I can work in a yoga/or pilates class 1 day a week- which totals 4 days of exercise to start with. I also am going to start watching my food, and try for not only me but to also be a better role model for Logan to eat more fruits/veggies. So starting this Monday, a new me will begin. I will track my food/weight on this journal for help..
    Last edited by emily80; 04-19-2008 at 05:11 PM.

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    Sunday April 20

    Yay! I think I am finally finished bleeding or at least only spotting. Hopefully it will stop in the next day or so, which is so much better compared to last time where I bled for 2 weeks. But after bleeding for a week before the d&c, and now a week after I am so tired of wearing a pad.

    Today we are going to be busy planting flowers/veggies in our gardens. We have a flower bed in our backyard, where nothing seems to live, but hopefully this year we got some plants that may live back there- they are for the shade. Also we picked up our cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers, squash, etc for our garden. Yay! I love summer veggies

    I also have to work tonight. It is the first time in over 2 weeks that I have been to work. I enjoy working, keep the nursery at church, but there are days where I just dont want to go in- today is one of those days. Once I get there though I will enjoy it.

    Tomorrow I am going to begin exercising again. I am walking with my exercise group on Monday and Wednesday and then on Thursday morning a friend and I are going to do a water aerobics class. Yay! I am excited about the class, but not too excited about getting in a bathing suit. I got to start somewhere though! This week I will also start dieting/weight watchers again. I am going to jump into it slowly though, maybe I will stick with it if it is slow. Anyway I better go- time to get moving today and working on our garden

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