Em's gems

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Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66
Em's gems

Well, my very first blog. It's something I've avoided for a long time due to the way my friends, nay, my culture, views the existance of such a thing. Blog is a dirty word among the hardcore computer nerds, and I think I qualify quite nicely.

I was married two weeks ago, March 15th, 2008. It wasn't exactly the wedding most women have, or dream of, planned out for months, even years until everything down to the last doily is perfect. At the beginning of the year my darling fiance said to me "next time I visit, we should get married, even if we're seperated again, I want to be able to call you my wife."

He said this from Cincinnatti, Ohio. 10,000 miles from me in the far south of Australia.

We met in January 07. Maybe not "met", but first spoke. Back then I was known solely as a cantankerous, outspoken paladin, he as a quiet and reliable mage. Oh yes, we met on World of Warcraft. The guild that nursed our characters from conception also nursed our relationship, though we didn't know it yet.

I had been going through a bizarre phase of internet relationships, still reeling from a real betrayal of a man who I then considered to be the love of my life. I spent my nights nearly unconscious on painkillers, valium and vodka, sitting in front of my computer. Like the other members of my guild, I lived alone, seperated from my family and estranged from my friends. WoW, while no substitute for real interaction, provided us all with a bizarre comfort, a tight knit family.

My prolific relationships were always entertaining. The others roared with laughter about my newest tale of male stupidity, pressing "/who" to find out who the newest sucker was. A rogue with a thick Virginian accent, a warrior whose entire life revolved around getting his new sword, a shaman who wouldn't stop pestering me. The man who would eventually become my husband laughed loudest of all as we roamed around the countryside, levelling together.

I continually butted heads with a warrior in my guild, the scathing barbs flew back and forth in guildchat whenever we both had some spare time. Again, an activity everyone found hysterical, no one moreso than me. Finally the enjoyment we took from this activity was admitted by both of us to be a little more than blowing off steam. Our exuberant relationship became the talk of the entire server until his painfully shallow attitude destroyed things. For the first and only time, I got dumped for being too fat, something I found laughable as I could do with losing a few kilos, but I'm hardly obese.

If our relationship had been blazingly vocal, the aftermath was explosive. The jibes took a cruel turn, both of us more than once ending up in tears. After each round I would turn to my faithful questing partner, not to talk but to blow off steam by killing monsters. This was in July 07.

Suddenly, this bizarre world of disembodied voices, questing and raiding, midnight talks about boss strategies, took a turn for reality.

Kdubya and I started flirting, which quickly dived into a realisation that we wanted to be together. He immediately made plans to visit in September. The word marriage was quick to be mentioned, as the only way we could explore a relationship together without legalities keeping us apart. But soon the legalities weren't mentioned, it was just the two of us, wanting to be together always.

I had just turned 20, and was not a person especially prone towards the actual intimacies of a relationship. I freaked out, told him that he was not to propose, or assume I would marry him, until we had met in person.

September arrived, he stepped off the plane and into my arms. From the first word he spoke I knew that not only was he just as amazing in person, but even moreso. On the third day he knelt in front of me and presented me with a diamond ring.

And so we come around again to January 08. His next visit was planned for his birthday, March 22nd. I told him I was more than willing to marry him when he next visitted, but no way would it be a registry office thing. In two months the wedding was organised. Dress bought off the rack, flowers arranged hastily, the only church and restaurant available in town booked for the day.

And it was perfect.

On the honeymoon night I realised that in my rush I'd forgotten to pack contraception, so like all the other gloriously split second decisions in my life, the question came out casually. "So, should we start TTC or should we not have sex on our honeymoon?"

So now we're trying for baby #1, half black, half white, half american, half australian, wholely loved, cared for, and anticipated.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

I love weekends. I love my job, but weekends are my favourite. Hubby and I are still getting used to living together. It's tougher than I thought it would be, but nothing we can't handle. I never envisioned having a househusband, but since he can't work until our visa is processed, we have no choice. He cleans up around the house, and takes care of the cats, but it's interesting how easy it is to feel resentment, particularly on weekends. I'm a gamer. So is he. We met like that so I don't know why he finds it surprising that I continue to game. So this weekend when I decided to play for a few hours, and he got pissed off at me for not helping to unpack the two bags of groceries he brought home, I found myself at an impass. He helps around the house, but so far that consists of the dishes each day and a couple of loads of laundry, the place is hardly sparkling. So after a 50 hour week, when I got home and wanted a few hours doing something by myself, his attitude just blew me away. It took all my willpower not to give him a chauvinistic speech about me being the breadwinner. I really had to go away, cool off, and remind myself that he misses me while I'm at work, and that being out of work doesn't make him my personal maid. I usually hire a maid for a few hours a week, but she's been out of town the last few weeks and the place is a mess. I'm not sure how to impress upon DH that my many hours of work could be at least somewhat reflected in his care of the home.

It's pretty adorable watching him try to be a homemaker. At this very moment I'm watching him make a sandwich, which I'm fairly sure he's going to throw out after one bite. He's so damn hopeless in the kitchen. But he did go grocery shopping. For the first time in nearly three years I have food in the fridge that I didn't have to put there myself. It's so nice having someone to help out.

Today is officially my last day of smoking, drinking, and all that delightful stuff. I've been putting off giving up so as to delay the importance of a BFN or BFP. As soon as I stop smoking it makes it real that I actually want that stick to say positive and I know it'll really start hurting if it doesn't. Ah well, time to take the plunge.

We've decided on baby names. Bruce Danger for a boy and Eva Candres for a girl. Hubby agreed to Danger on the condition that I would be blamed for it. If he's really my son he'll think it's funny and probably end up chatting up girls with it. DH is flatly refusing the possibility that we might have a girl. We both really want a boy, but he's in denial that it could be anything else. Given my family history with boys, a girl is more likely but he's ignored that too. He'll love a girl just the same though.

Oh, and it turned out that he loved the sandwich.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66


My parents used to use the term "playing the goat", and for some reason it's the only thing that comes to mind when I'm at work. I work for the government, which limits how much I can blog about work. I wouldn't want to overinflate my importance, but I also wouldn't want to get my arse fired for blabbing confidential stuff all over the internet. But to put things simply, this place is a madhouse. It has to be the most non-sequitur place, full of odd-balls. The great thing about this place is that everyone loves their jobs. There isn't a single person in this complex that's doing the 9-5 grind. These are a group of the most devoted, passionate people I've ever met. They all share common traits, the intense need to recycle that I can't quite get into the groove of, a symbiotic relationship with the bajillion creepy crawlies here, and a kind of open, compassionate freindliness. They're great people.

But then we can seperate them into departments. On this single campus there are around 300 people, from a dozen different departments. The fisheries guys act like secret agents, and being privileged to their emails I often wonder if I'd have the backbone for a job inspecting fishing licenses. The cultural heritage lot who seem to be in mainly symbolic roles, and spent their time doing some spectacular Aboriginal art around the place (very nice), and coming up with "traditional" names for the departments. For instance I work in Allumbarra Bunjil, or The Meeting Place of Knowledge. Bet you never knew there was an ancient Aboriginal name for an IT department. there's even a lovely picture to go with it. The fire mob here genuinely care about the weather. They really care about the weather, so you've gotta be careful what kind of light conversation you start up. Also, half of them will give you lectures on the fire hazard of smoking, while the other half will casually flick their cigarettes into dry grass.

But it's a crime to use words when pictures will tell the story better.

That last picture is my pride and joy, the caffiene sculpture. Each stick was used to stir a coffee, and recently my coworker has started contributing his coke caps. Everyone's getting into it, I think I'll have to bronze it when I leave.

The truly delightful thing about this place is the things that you don't even blink at. Giant truck full of pigs parks outside your window? Oh, on the way to Animal Health. Helicopter buzzes you? Probably for the fire guys. Giant beast of a spider? "Did something escape quarantine?"

Perhaps not a place for the faint of heart, I have to say I LOVE MY JOB!

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Do you think a Beach Boys obsession is healthy? I'm not sure. Second post in one day, things are pretty slow at work. My boss went away for a week, without letting me know or leaving me any work. Guess I should be thankful, things are pretty hectic at home right now, but I hate feeling lazy and I do without something to entertain me.

I think the site manager is trying to freeze me out. For whatever reason I butt heads with this woman whenever our paths cross. She drives me nuts with her inflated sense of self importance and this bizarre need to dominate me. And now the heating adn the hot water has been off in my wing for a week with no signs of repair. My numb fingers suspect a conspiracy.

I'm left to wonder if feeling like you're about to die is a symptom of pregnancy. Can't wait to get home and curl up with a hot chocolate and hubby. I need to POAS, this is getting ridiculous. Seeing the doctor on Wednesday, she's such a champ. Though she's a bit overzealous with the speculum, I have to be determined to keep my legs crossed when going in. I hope I'm preggers cause otherwise I'm pretty sure I have cancer or need a liver transplant or something. I feel like ****.

I did a personality test that one of the girls put up, and I have to wonder if it's ironic or exactly fitting that someone who's results describe them as constantly seeking identity has to find every last description of their result to form a better picture. From what I can tell mine come out as "self-obsessed". ^_^

My subcontracting agency screwed up my pay, which sucks big time, haven't had a full pay in two weeks and I'm really feeling it. Ah well, c'est la vie, guess it'll be another night of improvisational cooking. Good thing DH thinks I can do no wrong in the kitchen, cause bubble and squeak is on the menu. Also a good thing my boss is off, he won't notice me coming in late on the bus.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66


If I'm not preggo I'm gunna be pissed off. Kevin's going to come home to find me all huffy, sitting on the couch with five smokes in my mouth. That's just how this is going to go down. Not that there's much doubt in my mind, really. I feel preggers.

I was hoping that I could tell Kevin in some spectacular way, like a treasure hunt or something. Something really memorable. But I've been so damn sick that I've needed his help too much to put off telling him my suspicions. By the time I get home from work I'm so damn tired and nauseous that it's all I can do to cook dinner, much less totally get about with a secretive smile on my face. I guess I'll reserve the flaming arrow for delivering the news to my parents.


Due to the unfortunate pay stuff up I'm going to have to put off peeing on a stick until I can afford a stick. My parents are being so sweet. They're stacking on a drama, but they're still helping me out when I have 3$ to my name. I have to pay them back for this, even if it's just a bit at a time.

From now on Kevin handles the money. I'm not sure about his money-handling skills, but they can't be any worse than mine. I earn money, I earn heaps of money, public service rules, and yet I'm perpetually broke. I spose no cigarettes will help a bit.

Last night I think he finally got it through his head that when I asked if he was truly prepared for me being pregnant I didn't mean if I needed to sit down for five minutes he might have to take over what I was doing. I've been so exhausted I just wanted to go to bed when I came home from work last night, and would have if I hadn't been hungry. When I asked him if he'd cut up some veggies for me since I wasn't feeling well, he told me I wasn't an invalid and I should do it myself because cooking was my chore. At that point I became pissed off.

At the moment when he does the right thing I get pissed off, so doing the wrong thing gets me positively furious. But I'm trying to keep that in mind and not kick him in the balls for wanting me to cut the veggies. Whatever is happening to me has turned me into a right *****.

Also, as a final thought, I'd quite like a smoke.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Okay, I've had two smokes today and won't be able to have anymore, so I'm counting that as a win.

I'm cramping to hell, and I can barely walk for all the nausea and dizziness, so I got DH to pick me up a stick to pee on. But I've decided that if I do get AF I'm consoling myself with a bottle of wine and an entire pack of smokes. I can handle the pain, I can deal with the sickness, I don't mind the moodiness, and I'm almost looking forward to the variety of other delightful things that pregnancy brings, but my forte is looking after other people, not myself. I can't remember another time in my life when I've had to exercise this kind of responsibility. I smoke and drink what I want, when I want, and it's never been a problem except for that one time the doctor got grumpy at me.

This is really a whole new ballgame, what I do affecting someone else. No one used to care if I drank half a bottle of vodka in one swig. Heck, if I didn't tell them they wouldn't know. My boss doesn't care so long as I turn up to work and do my job. My friends don't care so long as I'm not dying or robbing them to feed my habit. My family will never know in a million years ever. So what's this man in my house doing being all concerned about my health? It's the strangest sensation.

To be perfectly honest, I'm having some trouble keeping a handle on myself. Whatever is happening to me is giving me a raging case of hormones. Just writing the above paragraph suddenly set off another fit of anger. DH only cares about my health when his baby is at risk, it's not like he's ever commented on my drinking or smoking before. I had to stop and think about that and say The dozen beers you have a week won't kill or deform you like they will a baby, and he's giving up smoking too. How can I have turned into this much of a psycho in the space of about a week? I belong in a horror movie wielding a hatchet or something.

I'm going home early, work sucks anyway. Maybe I can catch a few extra hours sleep.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Sometimes you just know it's gunna be one of those days. I woke up this morning, got a nice sleep in, I did my hair all nice, put on my favourite makeup, picked up my giant rainbow umbrella, dressed in my nicest stuff, got to work and immediately spilled coffee all over myself. I'm grateful to be able to laugh at stuff like that.

I think I mainly want to take up smoking again for something to do. I'm fine at night when I'm home, but at work I'm sitting in front of this computer with ZIP to do and would like nothing more than to mosy outside and grab a smoke. At least it's some fresh air, a little exercise, some conversation with the other smokers. there's something to be said for social addictions. I still enjoy smoking. I know that non-smokers take that for granted, but a lot of smokers don't enjoy it, they've long since lost any pleasure in the practice and only continue through pure addiction. I love it, it's like eating a tasty pie to me. Which makes it all the harder to give up. At least I don't feel as if nicotine has me whipped like a *****.

Another BFN last night, but as mum puts it "He's only been in the country two weeks! Give it time!" I don't wanna put too much stock in POAS, cause last time I tested negative right up to six weeks, and I stopped testing then, only realised I was preggers when I miscarried. But then, all my symptoms can be attributed to a nasty flu thats been going around. Apparently it'll lay me flat for a couple of days then leave me alone. At least I won't have to deal with it for long. Still hoping for that BFP.

Kevin continued his marathon run of doing everything wrong. I just managed to get a copy of one of my favourite games, and played for a few hours last night. After two missions, he wanted to use the computer. Now what he meant to say was "I'd like to check my Myspace, and you've been on the computer for ages", what he actually said, in a tone that you might hear used between parent and twelve year old, was "Okay, you've played enough, time to get off the computer." He's so very lucky that I still have a use for his testicles. So very, very lucky. I decided to let him off with a glare and a correction to his wording, then retired to our bedroom to watch a movie. Imagine my surprise when I was joined by him about thirty seconds later. I obviously could have simply minimised my game while he did what he wanted to do. But no, he had decided that my time was being ill-spent and kicked me off my own computer. At this point our conversation became a little strained.

I asked him why he would do that. He told me that he had become bored with watching the game. I attempted to explain that his options for pastimes were broader than "1) watch whatever I'm doing or 2) kill self". I returned to the subject of his independance in his own home, but the only thing he found more boring than watching me play a game was that conversation. His complete dismissal of my concerns and suggestions had me seeing red. But in what I found to be a superhuman show of self-restraint I let it go and started watching the movie.

Once I felt I could approach the subject without giving him a black eye, I told him that I felt as though we weren't communicating well, and that I needed him to listen when I spoke, and take onboard what I say. He insisted heartily that he did, but then couldn't name what our last argument had been about. I'm not entirely sure what conclusion we came to, but I think my husband is far too aware that I'm only 2/3rds his age. He's starting to treat me like a child.

I sometimes act like a child, I'm quite willing to admit that, but never where it counts. At times I'm quixotic, innocent, overly generous, and even a little naive. But this is so easily mistaken for childishness. Usually I don't give a damn what it's mistaken for, people are free to read my intentions however they please. But I'm living with Kevin. He has squarely forgotten who I am to everyone that isn't him. Maybe it's time for a reminder. If anyone else said or did the things that he did they would be instantly suffering from a knee to the groin, at very least a "f*** you".

Although, hysterically, I think I've discovered the root of his problems in bed(npi). He thinks that going for 3-5 minutes is a MARATHON effort of gargantuan tenacity. I may have completely emmasculated him, but really, how am I supposed to respond to that? There was no gentle way to tell him that I used to consider 15mins a minute-man effort. He flatly refused to believe me. Just refused. As though this was outside the realm of possibility. That was when the giggling started and everything really went downhill from there. He's still denying the human male's ability to go longer than 5 minutes, and I get the feeling that this is going to take some work. My real question is: why would I lie? If it was really impossible, what good would lying do me? Would he sprout superhuman stamina from simply being told he could and believing it? I don't think the placebo effect is quite that potent. He was even a little angry that I suggested he wasn't quite up to par with my previous experiences. He's easily the best sex I've ever had, if he could keep it going for the same amount of time as my previous lovers he's be phenomenal.

All in all, yesterday was not a good day for my husband. There are issues to work on. He married me, not adopted me. I don't lie to emmasculate him, in fact sometimes I fib a little to avoid it. He's Not The Boss Of Me (NTBOM(tm)). I'm also not his babysitter. I think I've been coddling him because I don't want him to feel like a fish out of water over here, but it may be time to remind him what kind of woman he married. I'll give everyone a hint: it's not the kind that puts up with this bullshit.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

One of my friends, Gareth, has crossed the line into creepy. He lives about a block away from me with his wife and daughter. He's 25. And for whatever reason he has developed an UNHEALTHY FASCINATION with my 16yo stepsister. She lives about an hour away from us. He wants to talk to her on msn at least six hours a day? Fine. He emails her when he can't catch her online or he gets seperation anxiety? Fine. When she visits she stays at his place instead of mine? Fine.

But he may have actually crossed the line now. My dad calls me today to see if I have Gareth's number, because he wants to get in contact with Ruby who has been staying there the past two days. And I've been talking to Gareth in this space of time. It's not like he didn't have a chance to tell me. Though now that I've told him I know he's admitted he's been taking her out walking around town every night between midnight and 5am. CREEPY. I think I'm going to have to kick him in the nuts next time I see him.

He doesn't take my death threats seriously right now, but I think he will be shortly.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

So TTC is going down the drain swiftly. Apparently I'm not immunised against rubella and varicella. That's german measles and chicken pox to those who don't speak fluent medicalese. If I'm not pregnant now, I need to wait 3 months after the vaccine to start trying again. If I am pregnant now I can't go anywhere near children for the next 9 months.

So that sucks.

Kevin and I fought AGAIN last night. It's not even like we have trouble living together, he just knows how to dig himself a hole that he can't get out of. He says something off the cuff that offends me, then refuses to apologise, then treats me like a child for being upset, then continues down that path until I'm in hysterics, then even when he's realised that he's in trouble he does nothing to make it better, all the while I'm still waiting on the first apology. It might be lunacy. I've told him that I'm being nice because he's new to the country and asked him not to take advantage of that, which I think got through. If there's one thing the man understands it's responsibility.

The post fight cuddles were nice. And this morning I was way late to work cause all I wanted to do was cuddle with him. He can be blindingly selfish at times, but with a good swift reminder usually gets him.

Ah, the meeting of two stubborn minds is always a recipe for disaster. I do love him dearly though.

I have money! Finally got a good pay behind me, which is such a lifesaver. We've been running desperately low on groceries, and transport money and every other kind of money really. But now things are okay again. Hopefully I won't have to pay up for a wedding again anytime soon, so I can get back on the road to financial stability. What a joy.

My hoodlums have been out of contact lately, I think I need to check in with them. I've promised a dozen double dates to couples I'm friends with, it might be time to take them up on it all to prevent me going stir crazy.

Okay, that's all from me for now.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

My hoodlums suck.

I read the livejournal of a friend who I consider to be the most reliable and also the most loving of all my friends. She blogs everything on this. From big stuff down to "I saw a really cool spider!"

She didn't mention anything about going to my wedding... I prolly shouldn't be upset by that but I feel kinda hurt. I also found out that trying to get in contact with her for the next few days is kinda pointles, dead handy these blog things.

My first fiance is back in the country after chasing his lady love across the world. I don't think I could come up with a description of said lady love that wouldn't get me banned from these forums permanently, so I'll just say: I don't approve.
Either way he still hasn't met my husband, so some social contact is foreseeable in the near future. I'm hoping we can arrange the meeting without any pot, cause pot leads to further mopiness, and I don't wanna breathe in any smoke when I could have a bun in the oven.

Other partners-in-crime seem to have forgotten I exist in this post-wedding hermitery. Fair enough I suppose. I'd like to plan my triumphant comeback, but frankly, the social scene in this town is about as lively as my pet dog Bonnie, who died when I was ten.

I think I may be the onyl person in this town who is under 30 and working a decent job. I'm not a particularly judgemental person, I don't mind if people work or not, but it would be so damn lovely to call someone up and say "hey, would you like to come out for a few cold ones" without adding "my treat" on the end. Also the increasingly constant pot-induced coma of my friends is becoming tiresome. I haven't been in that scene for more than two years, aside from the occasional puff at a party. A revamp of my social scene is in order, but the prospect is daunting considering the losers that inhabit this city.

I have some cool friends in Melbourne, but since it seems to be impossible to find the time for even a half hour to myself, frequent trips out of town don't seem likely.

Gawd I'm becoming a whinger.

My doctor told me to drink more milk, and I love milk
We had an awesome sandstorm yesterday
My husband is hot ^_^
Money is good
Ginger beer settles my stomach, and I love ginger beer
My boss hasn't been around to notice me turning up late to work
I went looking at kiddy toys last night and that was fun
My game is going awesome
Kevin is taking an interest in my interests
I am in love

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

I don't think anyone loves their job quite like I do. Todays big duty: test out a java beta. Translation: install a script then play java games all day to make sure it's working properly. How cool is that?

Kevin and I didn't have so much as a squabble last night, so I think our initial problems are getting smoother. I love him so very much. He's losing weight at a rate of knots. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm very glad that he's getting healthier. No question. But sex is significantly less fun with lots of loose skin. And it sucks that I have to watch what I eat really carefully, where he scoffs junk food left and right and just drops the weight like nothingl. This is making my increasingly grumpy. But mostly I'm just glad that he's getting healthy. Type 2 diabetes runs in his family, and lowering any risk factors is so important.

I think chocolate milk might be my new addiction. Mm, I want a meat pie. It's time for lunch anyway. Food is so good right now. I dumbly bought 200$ of groceries last night, I think I'm just showing off how much better Australian food is than American food.

A friend came round last night and we cooked dinner. He works at a fish store, so he brought around come rainbow trumpeter. It was so very, very good. he did this chilli-cream sauce, and I made some rice, asparagus and sweet peas. Mmm, all this food talk is making me hungry. Tonight I think I'll make some tandoori beef with jasmin rice. That sounds good. I wanna get more into cooking curries.

TTC is making me nostalgic. When I was little my dad used to make the most amazing food. Well, he still does, I'm just not around to eat it. Still, his cooking got lazier as I got older. We used to have these unbelievably delicious curries, I have to find out how he made them. And the roasts! Oh, the roasts. I bought a leg of lamb, I'm not so bad at roasts myself but whenever I make these things it always feels like something is missing. I perfected his spaghetti bolognaise years ago, I make a better salad than him, but curries, roasts and stir fries I have yet to perfect.

Enough food talk, at least until after lunch.

I've been frequenting the debate forums. It's probably not good for my health. I'm reminded of the impromptu social experiment I accidentally performed when I was in highschool.

We were given an assignment for English. We had to write an argumentative essay and then present it to the class. Our choice of topic. I was always something of a savant at English so at this point assignments were a joke for me. The usual display of arguments came up. Abortion, contraception, culling of dingos and kangaroos, animal testing, anything a 15yo could think to debate. These were quietly tolerated by the class, but sparked no serious opinions. But mine... mine was a point of furious debate. Voices were raised, names called, the debate raged on for days. What was the topic of my essay, you ask?

Is coffee better than potatos?

Truly, this was a revelation to me about the debate mentality. I'm not entirely sure what conclusion I formed, but I've generally avoided provoking debate ever since. Let this be a lesson to you all.

Okay, that meat pie is calling me, I'll report back on its deliciousness.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

What a weekend.

I swear all I wanted was a sleepin. That's it. That was the totality of my wishes. The house could have burned down and so long as I'd had my late, sleepy morning, I would have counted it as a win.

But no.

On Friday afternoon, I came home early, feeling like I'd just eaten two kilos of gluten. I don't even know what gluten is, it just sounds appropriate. I was not feeling well.

But neither was Kevin. After a couple of hours of him totally insisting that he wasn't having an attack of his recurrent diverticulitis, it became apparent that in fact that was exactly what was happening. He apologised. Kevin has no medical cover in Australia. So forgoing the absurdly expensive ambulance service, me, Kevin, his intestinal agony and my rambuctious migraine taxid our way to the emergency department. He apologised.

Diverticulitis, for those of you who don't know, is the formation of small cysts, or diverticuli, in the lower intestine and colon.

We got to the emergency room, the nurse was rude when I tried to get him to sit down while I told her what was going on. She forced him to stand although that put him in agony and tried for what felt like forever to get answers from him although he could barely speak through the pain. Inevitably after every question she would look to me for the answer. That pointless and painful exercise aside, they brought him a wheelchair and we were allowed to sit in the waiting room. He apologised. My head ached, my stomach turned. His deal was worse, I'm not complaining here, I'm just trying to emphasise exactly how unpleasant this evening was for all involved. He apologised. Every minute we were in the waiting room he was crying, begging me to make them see him quicker. Thankfully it only took about half an hour.

Our doctor was a girl named Emily, who looked about my age and was dressed more to go out for coffee with the boy she liked than to give us serious medical advice and professional treatment. What intern puts on her fake eyelashes to pull nightshift? I do not know. She was an orthopedic intern, which I found delightful, since she was so skinny that every one of her joints was on full display. But she was lovely, letting me give the medical history instead of him. He apologised.

She decided to do a rectal exam. He apologised. At this point I did the most hopelessly inappropriate thing. I don't know if it was my total exhaustion combined with illness and worry making me giddy. I don't know if it was the sheer absurdity that he was in agony, about to get a rectal exam done by a dolled up stick insect, and he was apologising for MY inconvenience. Whatever it was, I wish it had forestalled, because I did the worst possible thing. I laughed.

He burst into tears though I don't think he noticed my laughter through his pain. I feel worse about it than him I think. He hugged me so tightly that I couldn't breathe and just cried into my neck. He was still apologising, but it seemed like his tears were more of pain and fear and anticipated humiliation. I held his gaze and his hand through it. I couldn't believe he was still apologising. Like any amount of money I had to cough up, or any number of sleepless nights I had to spend were anything compared to what he was going through.

He needed X-rays for reasons unknown to us.It was physically painful to have to let go of his hand as he was wheeled into the room. The door had a peephole that I watched through the entire time, but I still wanted to be in there. He was wheeled out and he apologised.

I'm going to stop saying he apologised. I think you have the idea now that I was receiving unwanted apologies every available opportunity. This is still going.

Thankfully Emily now ordered us up some morphine. But rather unfortunately, I had jinxed it. I had asked Kevin the night before, "in the case of needing an injection, how do you find a black person's veins?" It turns out the answer was: "you pretty much don't."

For 45 minutes Emily tried to find a vein. Right elbow, left elbow, right wrist, left wrist, right hand, left hand, rinse and repeat. She was even thinking about going for the foot. Finally she agreed to see another doctor about finding one. We were introduced to Kylie, who was more appropriately aged and dressed, but oddly just as emaciated. After another 15 minutes, we finally had a drip in place.

I don't know who the morphine helped more, him or me. I've never been more happy than when I finally saw his whole body relax and a drugged up smile cross his face.
I hope I never see him go through that kind of pain again.

I was so tired at this point that I couldn't wait to get him home into a comfy bed, and that was all he wanted to. That's when Kylie returned to tell us that he had to be admitted, he'd need intravenous antibiotics for 24-48 hours. Also, the surgeon would be in to see him soon.

Our reaction was pretty much identical... "SURGEON?!"

... you know I hate to leave a cliffhanger, but I'm actually about to fall asleep in my chair, I'll continue this tomorrow.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Okay, so, continuing the story.

So it turns out that the X-rays were done because in the case of a diverticulitis attack, the diverticulum can burst, causing gas to leak internally. If the gas reaches the diaphram, you can say goodbye to breathing.

So the surgeon came to see us, he was a gorgeous guy with incredibly blue eyes. His name was Phil which of course led to him being called Dr. Phil. He did a full examination of Kevin, (my favourite part was the hoist of the gown with the question "Are your nuts okay?") and told us that the X-rays were good but he'd need surgery in two or three months time to remove the infected part of the bowel.

Things got better from there, Kevin was still scared, but dopey on morphine. We waited until 2am for him to be admitted. We tried everything to get me a place to sleep for the night. I would have been happy with the chair next to his bed, but since he was in a four person room they wouldn't allow it. And the sitting room for surgical was taken up by the family of a critically ill patient. They offered me a chair in the waiting room for the emergency ward. Kevin wouldn't let me take it.

I watched him go, and one of the nurses escorted me out. Then she said to the triage nurse, "Could you call Mrs. W a taxi?"

It was the most innocent comment, but all I could do was cry. That was the first time I had been called by my married name.

The next day he was in a bad way, still on morphine, still unable to move. They were fasting him so his throat was constantly dry. It was very unpleasant to see him in so much discomfort. And he was so worried about how much it was all costing.

But Sunday morning when I walked in he was fully dressed and sitting up. We even got to walk down to the cafeteria for a smoke. It was so good to see him eat a full meal again that night.

He was released this morning, good as new. Even though I've slept about 4 hours in the last 4 days, I have to say I'm so grateful to the doctors and other hospital staff. In America he was just given painkillers and sent home. He's been so well cared for and it's nice to know that this time we can keep him healthy. And of course get him some insurance.

So now I'm back at work, hoping I can pay off this hospital bill. But he's healthy, any amount of money we have to spend is worth it.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

This is probably going to sound like a really stupid thing to say, but I'm having trouble getting exciteed about things today. The whole day feels quite surreal, like it's not really happening. I suppose my weekend threw me off, it lasted 4 days and felt like it lasted 4 weeks, so I guess it's normal that I'm feeling thrown off by being back at work.

But nothing feels right, food isn't as tasty, smokes aren't as satisfying, and I'm not even looking forward to going home to Kevin. This day just feels like it needs a restart, like once I've had a good night's sleep and woken up tomorrow morning things will slip back into place.

Quitting smoking has FAILED. As soon as I got to the emergency room I just kind of went "stuff it" and went around botting smokes off people. When did so many people start smoking menthols? The best thing those things can give you is cancer. Now I feel like I could smoke an entire pack in about 3 minutes. Mmm, delicious cigarettes.

I got my hands on some more wedding photos and these ones are gorgeous. I'm so happy with them. I can start doing some photo albums now.

I've been getting into The Sims 2 again. That game has some kind of hold over me, I can't help myself. I'll set down and happily play it for a week straight, only stopping to eat and sleep. Maybe not sleep. My neighbourhoods rock.

I'm thinking of chopping off my hair. It was straightened so much for the wedding that all the ends have split. Also, Kevin has a thing for blondes so I'm guaranteed some awesome sex if I go blonde. Who knows? I could go with a new look.

Okay, enough of my rambling for now. Enjoy some pictures.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

You know it's just occurred to me how very out of place my journal is. I've only reada few of the other girls, but there are so many stories of family breakdowns, dealing with illness, self-empowerment, rather poignant stuff. And here I am chatting about the virtues of meat pies, caffiene sculptures and my favourite video games.

Ah well, I've had a lot of positive comments on this journal. My life seems to be more interesting than I thought. Guess I'll keep going with it.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

A few of the choicest images from my photobucket.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

I like Chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confucious taught.
If Darwin is anything to shout about,
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt.

I like Chinese.
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.

You know this whole thing with the olympic flame is getting out of hand. No pun intended. There's really no need to be jerks about this. I'd hardly count myself as a fan of China's internal or international policy, but let's be reasonable.

The real irony is that the most ancient peace practise to still be going is being sabotaged by violent protestors. Who is that helping? I think we should all urge China to obey the UN's human rights agreement, and provide support to Tibet, but this is not the venue to do so in a vicious manner.

Beijing hosting the biggest conference of international tolerance in the world is NOT a step in the wrong direction.

It's truly shameful that while all the governments are setting aside their differences in the way that has been traditional for hundreds of years, the people around them are having to be subdued with tear gas, the carriers of that flame of peace are under attack, and the representatives of the great countries are being urged to not participate.

Let's all remember why the Olympics came about. They were a sporting event to prevent war in Greece, where grudges and contests could be taken out on the sporting field, not the battlefield. 2008 is not the year that this tradition should fall.

I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're always friendly, and they're ready to please.

I like Chinese.
They come from a long way overseas,
But they're cute and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

What's with everyone in the baby names forum being so negative? C'mon now girls, variety is the spice of life!

Way to make women feel bad about the names that they, their husband, or both, absolutely love! I know that if the name Kevin and I had decided on was a travesty to humankind and an insult to God, I would still keep it just to avoid reopening the argument.

Let's be more supportive!

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

I wish I was good with photies. Some people have this amazing documentation of their life through artistic shots. I'm specifically referring to my dear friend Leslie. Her life is blogged in perfect snapshots of happiness or sadness or friendship or general beauty. My favourite was a slideshow of myself, when we first talked about religion. She simply had her camera there and took shots as I talked, and somehow managed to capture my passion and openness in just a few shots.

I'm much more factual about things. A photo is simply what my eyes see at the time. Heck, maybe I just don't carry my camera around enough. Although my camera is my phone. And yeah, that's with me a lot. But my shots are kind of like "check out this large spider" or "here's a skeleton in a vest". It's not really in depth.

Speaking of religion, it's a topic I'd like to avoid. I will say this though. Leslie is why I don't like religion. Well, Leslie and people like her. She used to be a hardcore heroin addict, had an illegitimate child, was not a particularly focussed person in general. Then she found Jesus. Now don't get me wrong, it was definitely a positive step in her life. Now I can't imagine anyone more wholesome, she has a happy, healthy home, her daughter is well cared for and she's married to a guy she loves.

But she does this thing. Well she does two things.

The first thing is the self-hating. We have fun together, me and her, but she's a flip-flopper. Some nights there's nothing more fun than a couple of glasses of wine, some talking, a game of scrabble that inevitably turns into nonsense. It's good clean fun. We laugh, we talk, we share, there is no malice there. And yet the next day she almost always feels guilty that she said something while caught up in the fun.

My possible favourite example would be the Ark of the Covenant. I'm all about the spirit of God, but the actual lore behind modern Christianity is beyond me. So she decided to educate. She told me in terms I would understand, which went something like, "the glory of God used to be kept in a box, and the box was in a tent. But now we are the box." I don't think she intended for it to come out that way. But it did and we laughed, titling the Ark and ourselves as the "Godbox." After church we went to KFC and got some snacksized chicken popcorn, and I happened to say "My Godbox is snacksized." More howling with laughter ensued and it became a catchphrase.

Now I know that some people reading, especially my ladies over on the catholic forums, might be mortally offended by my snacksized Godbox, but that's not how it is. Leslie and I are friend, we know that when we say stuff like that it isn't to mock the Lord, because we know each others' faith is strong and sincere, we were really mocking our own understanding of the Lord and my late education. Once again, stupid perhaps, but innocent. And yet the next day she was mortified that she had laughed at such a thing, because she is not certain in herself, and it drives me nuts.

I understand her need not to relapse into her old ways, but there's both an element of being too strict on herself and also not addressing the root of a problem, just trying to bury it under layers of prayer.

The second thing that she does is something far more common in the world of the religious. It's neglecting your people in favour of Jesus. It comes in a wide variety of forms. I'd like to state right now that I'm not a Christian focussed on getting to heaven. I try to be a good person because that's what lets me sleep at night, and if when I die He decides I'm fit for heaven, then that's awesome. But I think right now I'm on Earth, which is filled to the brim with God's greatest gifts, first and foremost the people we get to share it with.

But forgetting that is a multi-facetted beast. One example is when someone does something nice for you, and instead of thanking them, you thank God. Maybe both is in order, but not giving credit to people here with you is one facet. Another is going to church 1349234744 times a week and refusing to miss a session in favour of a friend that needs you. Leslie is a perpetrator of both.

Now having said all that, I adore Leslie. She is a blast, she is so giving and kind, she always makes good things better, and bad things not so bad. Her devotion to faith is admirable, and she is a loving mother and wife. All people should go through life with her grace. She just needs to stop picturing God with an iron fist.

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Posts: 66


TTC is not for the faint of heart, I'll give it that. I swear when I get a BFP I'm framing the damn stick.

Other people: "Did you pee on that?"
Me: "Hell yes I peed on that."

I think the digital tests are meant to be soul destroying. "YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT" They may as well come under those coke bottle caps, the ones that are all like "better luck next time" or "try again". It'd be nicer if the stick said something comforting if you got a negative. You know, sort of like "not pregnant, but my word your hair looks nice today." or "not pregnant, but please find enclosed a voucher for a free tub of icecream." or "Not pregnant, I can't believe it! You're glowing!" You know, something to soften the blow.

But to actually tell the story, last night I POAS, and the digital part said negative, but the analogue part had a faint positive. So it's a BFM. Better than a BFN, not as good as a BFP, but I'll take what I can get.

In more depressing news, I got the bill from the hospital today. It turns out that I really should have just taken him to the best hotel in the country for a few days recovery, it would have cost less. I mean, I could literally have paid 600$ a night and come out ahead. Oh yes, that's right, 4 days in a hospital is just on the plus side of 2400$. I'm hoping the local charities can help us out, this seems right up their alley.

So in short I'm eating a little honeycomb chocolate and smoking too much, which is making me feel a lot better.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Ugh, I have a headcold. And I'm feeling disheartened by my latest BFN. I'm a sad panda Sad

I haven't been around much over the weekend. My husband has tried and succeeded to get me into one of his hobbies. You're not going to believe this, cause I barely do: Yu-Gi-Oh!

Like the card game. I'm all about it now. So are my friends. This is what you get for showing interest in your husband, you get turned into a loser. Seriously, trekkies look down upon Yu-Gi-Oh! players.

On the bright side the wing I work in was named after a guy who dies working here, I've just discovered, so I think I'm in the running for the other wing's naming rights. I've always wanted something named after me. Also I get to skip this year's fluvax, seeing how it'd be both pointless and dangerous since I already have the flu.

Do chickens actually get chicken pox? Has anyone ever heard of this happening?

Also, my coffee vs potato theory is holding up quite nicely. My poignant, carefully worded and decisive arguments in the debate forums are overlooked, whereas one I wrote on the fly out of pure boredom has, of course, become the staple argument of the thread and everyone's *****ing at me now. I think I should write a paper on this.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Well, it's been a few days since I've posted, I've been in bed feeling sorry for myself. My flu was a shocker. Kevin has been marvelous of course. While cooped up in bed I got to watching an anime series called Death Note, which I highly recommend for anyone who liked philosophical and intelligent drama, but denounce for anyone who doesn't like to watch bad guys win. It's uncomfortable to watch, but completely rivetting.

On another note, AF showed herself yesterday, which I have to say I'm glad for. TTC is so psychosomatic for me I was worried that she wouldn't show up for months and keep me hanging. I've started charting properly this month so Kevin and I can do it seriously.

I'm keeping up the job hunt for when my constract here ends. Apparently they're looking for someone over in Ballarat, which is a fair way away but I went to uni there and the shopping is superb. Really gorgeous antiques. Most big franchises have a store there too. Bendigo is nice, but there's more money in Ballarat, less unemployment, so it's generally a higher standard of living.

I've started ebaying, as Kevin and I need the money for his visa in the next 6-8 weeks, a whopping 2200$. I'm trying to sell off my excess crap. But frankly I feel good about my finances right now. Things aren't as grim as they could be, I'm even getting on top of my debt. It's a nice place to be in.

It seems like I've developed a fan base. The views for this thread broke 500 by a fair whack since I last checked, which I'm very flattered by. The PMs I get are so encouraging. My mother has always told me to write down my story, since she thinks it's amazing and it's nice to know she's not the only one. Usually my writing is purely fictional, but maybe I should take a shot at writing the truth and seeing how entertaining I really am. I might even wavey flashback style tell you ladies the real story behind internet romance.

Anyway, sorry for the disjointed post, I still have a killer headache and I'm all stuffed up so I'm not concentrating very well. I'll come back to my musings when I'm on top of my game again.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Ah, the debate board, so much fun till someone singles you out.

Anyway, the last few days have been pretty average. Home, work, home, work, a few hours sleep, it's not really exciting. I've been enjoying the tedium really, just the chance to spend some time with my husband. He's so lovely, I hope we always laugh together the way we do now.

We're going to see my dad on the weekend, which should be fun. The vineyard would make a nice change to just staying at home all the time.

I never should have made an eBay account, but I couldn't help myself. Now I'm going to spend all my money on nothing. *sigh* I've sealed my own fate.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

It's been a few days since my last post. Things are pretty good ^_^

My flu is finally going away, so I'm feeling great. Unfortunately Kevin is getting it, so I guess I'll be taking care of him pretty soon. other than that things at home are going really well.

We're still trying to save up the money for his visa, which is proving to be difficult, but my parents seem aware that we'll be needing help with that. His stupid card game, it seems, has great money making potential it seems. So that's really good. It'd give him something to keep himself occupied if nothing else.

My nephew's christening is coming up ^_^ That should be fun. Seems like the family is coming together a lot these days. I managed to get my hands on some more wedding photos. When they're all in I can start doing photo albums, which will be great. All my male friends have crushes on one or more of my sisters, which is sweet in a creepy way or creepy in a sweet way.

I've realised that Kevin and I bicker non-stop, this has to stop. I'm going to have to keep myself in check.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

You know what I didn't post today? The dream I had last night. It's a bit fuzzy by now but I'll try to remember.

So it started with my parents and my sisters and I going to some kind of function. And it was with the king of NZ (for those of you who don't know, NZ does not have a king). And he was a scrawny guy who was incredibly, painfully pale. But he had this wild barbaric mohawk with all these plaits and dreadlocks and stuff, and was wearing all this tribal clothing, loincloth and all. And he didn't speak English but somehow my family understood "kiwi" and were translating that he'd fallen in love with me and we're all urging me to go get him. And I didn't want to cause he looked like a scrawny twerp but they were all into it cause he was royalty. But what he could do was roar like a cougar, which was cool. And then everything was underwater but we could still breathe, and to romance me the king let me pat his pets, which were black goldfish the size of rhinos, who had mandibles instead of mouths, and I was freaked out but when I patted them they felt like.... kinda like an old person's skin, soft but loose. And they liked being scratched behind the ears, it made them purr.

Then it all changed as dreams do. I was in this chinese store with my oldest sister, Beck. And I was there to buy something and on the way out I saw that they had a few bits of clothing, including a beautiful wedding dress, and I knew it wouldn't fit me cause it was for chinese women, but Beck decided to try some stuff on and it fit cause she's teensy. And then I saw from the new manager's point of view, and he was a tosser. You know the type. And he was watching Beck try on the dresses outside her clothes from the security camera and fell for her. And then he was going through the shop to find her and chat her up, but he was like one of those movie characters who's so up themselves and was all like "this stock is so cool! How good am I for knowing how cool it would be?" But he was right, it was awesome, the only thing I actually remember was like double life-size human puppets in sort of comedia d'elatte style. But it was all cool stuff. And he got so caught up that he never reached Beck. But as she was trying this see through dress on and taking off her clothes underneath to see how it looked on its own, she changed into my sister Saima trying it on over full hijaab.

And then Kevin woke me up and I wish he hadn't cause it was a cool dream.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

The internet is such a toxic place. It really, really is. There is so much information, it's spectacular, but the real problem is that there are also people.

We all have opinions and beliefs, things we feel strongly about. And on the internet, when we choose to interact with people, we are almost CERTAIN to find someone who believes exactly the opposite. Not only do they believe the opposite, but they are willing and ready to loudly voice the most idiotic, ignorant and abhorrent of views. It can't just be me. For anyone worried, I'm not talking about the debate boards, 95% of the time I find even people who disagree with me to be well-spoken and intelligent. the rest are at least tolerable.

It reminds me of that wonderful saying: never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

That being said, I do adore some arguments. My favourites are the ones that leave you flabbergasted. I've had a few of them in my life, including one last night, and these are the special brand of arguments when you know you're right beyond a doubt, but your opponent both insists that you're wrong and then mocks you about it. These arguments aren't the kind of thing you can be wrong about. Something like, if your contention is "in a standard birth, a human being is born with five fingers on each hand." And whoever you're arguing with insists that the correct number is six without counting his own fingers, and then proceeds to make jokes about how you'd do on a piano. They're more funny than anything else, because I'm usually too surprised to be angry at such accusations.

So that about sums up today. I am now staying the hell away from the political forums.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

I am a HAPPY PANDA today.

I woke up in a good mood, you know? I woke up on the right side of the bed, which oddly enough is Kevin's side of the bed. We decided to switch last night. I've been off my anti-depressants for six weeks now, and I think I'm managing without them. Even the bad things aren't looking so bad, I'm just feeling optimistic.

Our lights have blown in the house, almost all of them. We have the kitchen and laundry lights still up. It's not as bad as it could be, since the house only have 4 rooms and two of them still have light in at least half of them. I feel this could best be explained through a dodgy MS Paint diagram.

As you can see, the kitchen and laundry can illuminate everything except the bedroom. So we have some candles going. It's kind of romantic. I'm liking it. We'll probably save a bunch on electricity. The landlords have given us no schedule for getting them back on. See I can change a lightbulb myself, but the problem is that the sockets are so rusted that we accidentally pulled half the wiring out trying to unscrew the dead bulb. The others didn't come out, but the bulbs were unwilling to budge. It's a tricky business wrangling with something that's made of painfully delicate glass and is at least 4 feet above your head. Ah well, I'm not depressed about it. Which is the main thing.

Also, sex is very romantic when had by candlelight. Sex has been awesome lately.

The cats are also less desperate for attention now that they have two people to harrass. It's quite cute actually, Aurum the little one sleeps in the bottom corner of my side of the bed, Tungsten sleeps in Kevin's corner. They're our guardcats. Kind of like those chinese lions that guard enterances. only fluffy!

Okay, I'll be back later with more bad Paint drawings.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Someone should take the Paint away from me. I decided to do a family tree. I think it explains a lot about me.

Actually, that needs some explanation. The red lines are deaths, blue lines are divorces, pink lines are marriages. The green people are my generation, purple my parents' and orange are our gens' children. The circles are girls and the squares are boys. Oh and I seem to have forgotten my stepmother. Her name is Kaye and her ex husband is Cameron.

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Joined: 03/24/08
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I don't usually do three posts in a day, but I am SO ANGRY. My good mood has been completely dashed. Just ruined!

Yu-Gi-Oh gone bad, if you would believe it. We've started buying massive ammounts of cards to sell for profit, which isn't going badly but the inital outlay is painful. We're quite strapped for cash, and this is hurting, even if it will help in the long run. We desperately need 2000$ to keep Kevin in Australia legally, and if we can't raise it I'm going to have to ask my parents for help.

This week fortnight we've spent about 200$ on the cards, winning us around 800 cards with a net worth of around 500$. Kevin is also having 2000 cards shipped over from America. Those he already owned so we don't ower anything on. We also have our personal deck, totalling around 150 cards. For those of you keeping score, that's about 3000 cards. Three thousand. You play with a deck of 40.

Kevin has decided he wants to make a new deck. I made it perfectly clear that it was fine that he did that, but at least until my next pay we could not afford to buy anymore. He was spending today in town and told me he intended to buy another pack of 5, I told him it was completely inappropriate, as they cost 10$ a pack, and we could not only get the right cards cheaper on eBay, but we had vowed not to spend anymore money on them this week. Especially not for personal use, the ones we are buying are to sell.

Then I stupidly gave him 20$. He doesn't earn money, so I gave him money for lunch in town and a taxi home because he doesn't know the bus routes yet. He was going to spend the day with the boys. He never gets out of the house and I was really happy that he was going to spend some time keeping friends and hanging out in town.

Lo and behold, I get to work and an hour later I get a phone call that he decided to spend the money on cards, and then went back home because he didn't have money for lunch anymore. I could KILL HIM. I could just ****ing kill him.

I kiss goodbye to designer shoes, nights out with the girls, a well stocked fridge, not to mention the new clothes I desperately need, my maid, appliances to replace the old dying ones, a new bed and couch when the old ones broke, tailor made cigarettes and EVERY OTHER ****ING LUXURY I HAD, and he can't be BOTHERED to go without 5 more cards to add onto the THREE THOUSAND we have coming in next week.

If he really didn't want to stay in town like I wanted him to, then he could have spent that money on tonight's dinner, on a new pack of toilet paper or medicine or any of the other things we need and are scraping to afford, even just saved it for another day! But no, those will be coming out of the money I get to spend on myself, and next time he wants money that will be coming out of my money too.

The thing that makes me really mad is that I call myself stupid for trusting him with money. That next time I will have to think about it. I never wanted to do that.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

WOW. I had the best weekend. What a weekend it was. It's taking me some time to process. It all started on thursday night. My Adam works at a 5 star resort on the Great Ocean Road. One of the wonders of the world, it's a kind of paradise. We live about 4 hours away from there, 6 by bus and train. Adam usually comes home when he gets a few days off work, but his work screwed him around, keeping him in Lorne for 3 straight weeks, with only two days off. So he was pretty depressed about that, being that he's chronically depressed about everything.

Those of you who read my last nonsensical rant will know I was pissed off at Kevin on Thursday night because he was spending money on himself, and I realised what was really pissing me off was that I hadn't spent a cent on myself in so long, so I decided to have a girls night out. Me and Leslie headed to the pub for drinkies. we did have drinkies, discussed our respective godboxes, and talked far too loudly about sex in a public place. Then we picked up her husband, Deej, and headed back to my place. Gareth came round too, so we had a little thing. A little drinkies party.

So anyway, after quite a few drinks, Lele and I decided that it was absolutely time to go on a roadtrip to see Adam. We had a beach hankering. It was a good hankering, but we were extremely drunk and could not go right then. Side note: Lele's bodyweight makes her a perfect designated driver. It takes her so long to get even tipsy that she can totally join in the party and still be right to drive, it's awesome.

So I spent Friday off remembering fallen heros and chillin with my husband. Then Saturday morning it was time. Kevin decided he was too sickly, I think he was just piking, but either way we left Kevin and Deej behind and decided to have girltimes. We picked up Lele's friend Cali on the way.

Someone brought beer, I think it might have been me, and for the first time in forever I joined in with the wedd that we passed around. In about half an hour we we had the giggles. For some reason we needed to pee every half hour, so we went on a restroom tour of Victoria. If you can catch herpes from a toilet seat: we now have it. And that's all I'll say on that matter.

It was the most indulgent thing, driving up. We were all about the caring and sharing, we passed around coffee, fruit, cigarettes, lollies, I don't think anyone had a whole anything, we shared it all. We laughed about everything, Lele being so damn rightwing conservative she declared one of the town to be full of "sorcerers and hommosexuals" which none of us could stop laughing about. I'm sure the details of this trip are far less interesting when you're not high on weed, so I'll skip straight to Lorne.

Adam's resort was totally deluxe. We've decided that one weekend we have to stay there and act like rich people. It's a well known rule at the bar that you can hook up your mates, so when confronted with three giggling, wet, barefooted hooligans, they did the only thing they could do: made us cocktails. Cali had some sort of fruits of the grove affair, Lele had a champagne with pink stuff, and I had a chocolatey creamy thing, which smelled like chocolate fudge but tasted like unadulterated alcohol. That had us well rorted.

We decided to retire to Adam's house, which is some kind of manor on a hill. You can see the ocean from his balcony. His flatmate was there. He had a very thick Kiwi accent and I think they called him Tonga. I couldn't really tell because I was so drunk and stoned by then, so I named him Steve. He preferred Stephan so we reached a compromise. he was very cool about three girlies coming and making themselves at home in his place, he was really quite nice.

We set up on the couch and Lele made chicken parmigana for dinner, which was nice. I had the munchies real bad, so I sat down and ate an entire packet of chips one after the other. It was a mistake. I'm okay with it though.

So I went to bed fairly early, I think the others hit the beach at 2amish. I would have liked to go but I was so tired that it was impossible. It was a good enough nights sleep, and there was vegemite toast in the morning. I have to say that place is such a bachelor pad. The only things in the fridge were margarine, half a bit of cake and the things we brought along.

The town was such a tourist trap, coffee in the morning cost us a bomb. Then we headed down to the beach. It wasn't as freezing cold as the previous day, so we took off our shoes and waded through the waves. Lorne had amazing rock pools on the beach. I held a starfish. Lele tickled an anenome. Cali kind of went roaming. I did find out that my fear of insects is actually a fear of any small living thing. I think it's based in their propensity to be in small places that I can't see.

So we went home, leaving Adam to be miserable in paradise. We did offer to break his knees to get him out of work. I don't know the exact point of order that tossed that plan out. But regardless we went home without him. Defying logic it took us eight hours to make a three or four hour trip.

And that was our roadtrip ^_^ We've decided to do it again.

So until next time, you sorcerers and hommosexuals.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Hmm. I think getting involved with my ex was a mistake. He's a good guy. Heck, he's a great guy. He's funny and smart, plays beautiful guitar, he's a great artist, a whiz with computers, and when he's happy he lights up the whole room. Everyone I know values him as a friend and a confidant. We all love the hell out of him. But boy is he depressed.

Depression is a hard thing to understand for those people who haven't had it. It's not just someone who is sad. It's a painful disease, a mental illness. The thing depression really does is it makes things important. Things that shouldn't be. When you say to someone who is depressed, "why don't you just get over it?" what you are unknowingly saying is, "why don't you just forget everything that's important to you like it never mattered in the first place?" A lot of people think that you can just snap out of depression, you can't.

I explained it to one friend this way. If, God forbid, your husband died, you would be devestated. What if someone came up to you the next day and said 'why don't you just get over it?'? Not only would you not get over it, you'd tell them to go **** themselves. And then you'd get pissed off. Because your husband is important to you. Even if you could survive without him, he was a huge part of your life and you loved him and it's important to grieve for that. Because some things even if you will get over it, it is important to grieve. And that's what depression does. It makes everything seem that important. Even if it wasn't vital, it seems so big in your world view that it's absence needs to be mourned before it can be filled. It can be something simple, like no icecream, or something serious, like breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Whatever it is will make life seem so unfair, and just letting it go is letting life get the better of you.

What I'm generally trying to impress is that it's very, very hard to cheer up someone with depression, and it's a pit that they're not easily pulled out of.

But then, if you let them indulge it too much it's enabling them, and they spiral downwards. The more attention you give to their personal vendetta against life, the more it validates their concerns. But if you pull away too much it again validates their worries that things don't ever go their way, as proven by the loss of someone they care about.

It's a very fine line between helping and enabling. Dealing with someone who has depression is a minefield. It eventually becomes a fight to stop them getting any worse, and it feels like their need for you is so selfish. But it's not. It's an illness. They are very sick and need treatment.

I'm saying this as someone who has suffered very badly from manic depression. I know the correct term is bi-polar disorder. But it's manic depression. In my manias the whole world was supercharged and brilliant. In my depressions killing myself was the preferable option to admitting I was depressed over nothing. I recovered throguh massive lifestyle change, help from my friends, courses of antidepressants and heavy therapy. It's an amazing feeling to be normal and be able to handle day to day life.

But this whole post has actually been a tangent to my original point. My ex. He's now decided that he would be happy if he just had me back again, because despite living in paradise with a good job and friends and family and everything a person could hope for, he's decided that life is hell because he has no one to share it with. *sigh* Time to figure out wtf to do.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

"So..... you got the goods sexy girl? Wink by the way if your husband doesn't give you head I'm willing to help lmao. Love ya"

"Awww you sweetie pie, always helping out."

"Yeah, you know how it is, Snooze, I will always be here for you? If you know what I mean."

"I have all too good an idea."

"Oh Susan. You will always have a special place in my heart and you know it. Don't worry, your spot is bigger than Ruby's lmao."

"What's with the sweet talk?"

"I don't know really, maybe I miss us, the times we had. More the cuddling and chatting and shit than the other stuff."

"Feeling nostalgia now that I'm moving?"

"No, have felt this way since Kevin got here. No offence to my homeboy or you, as I said I am just missing laying in your arms and chatting shit. You really are a sweet girl and a top friend."

"I seem to be everyone's best girl today."

"You have been my best girl for a while now lol. Do you ever think of us? And I would have had this conversation with you on a walk or something but they don't happen too often."

"How are you sending these messages without Kevin noticing?"

"Talent, lol. He is not sitting on my lap."

"I sometimes think of us. It's weird not having time alone anymore."

"Yeah it does feel weird. Hey maybe someday.... I'd give my left nut for one more us night. Anyway gorgeous pretty and we'll see you soon. Sorry for, crimini, all that us, but I needed to tell you."

The next ex boyfriend to come out of the woodwork this week is losing a testicle.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Roses are red,
Violets are blue;
This line doesn't rhyme,
And neither does this one.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Well I'm up to about week eight without antidepressants. I'm alright, I'm not about to flip out and kill a bunch of people. But I did start taking them for a reason and it's tough trying to deal with that sober.

I think it was mrs. frig who posted a personality test on the TTC forums a while back. Of course it's just a stupid internet quiz, but my result said something that I feel like I've been trying to articulate my whole life. I don't have the link anymore to direct quote, but basically it said that I don't see things as just the good and the bad, but a grander scale of good vs evil. It's true, that is how I often see things.

I have, at times in my life, become obsessive about wrongs done to me. Not all wrongs, I can cop one on the chin with the best of them, but just certain things. No one I know ever believed me, but it wasn't selfishness. I didn't want revenge, I didn't compulsively need people to see things my way, but evil had won. Evil had won and I kept fighting, not because I thought that I could win, but because someone needed to champion good. Someone needed to care, someone needed to be upset, someone needed to learn the lesson because otherwise evil would win without anyone noticing or caring. And that can't happen, I won't let it.

It's stupid and it's self-destructive, but it's compulsive. I've won a lot of loyal friends that way. I guess never having anyone to champion my cause has made me want all the more to never let someone I love feel that alone. But it's wrecked me. It's hard to be the pariah, it's hard to be the martyr. I made a decision to change. If I have to fight that insidious evil that surrounds us, then I made the decision to do it actively and decisively, not just to waste away mourning the loss of innocence in someone I loved.

What I'm really trying to say here is that old hurts are coming back up. People I couldn't save, because it was never my duty in the first place. Chris, Dylan.... I miss you both. I know you never intended to do what you did. I tried so hard to redeem you, but I don't blame you for falling so far.

No one ever sees it, not until it's too late. I know it sounds like I'm just being dramatic, but no one who I've ever tried to save has ended up alright. It starts of with my friends telling me that they're fine upstanding members of the community who committed a single abhorrent act, "so-and-so isn't like that". From there it goes downhill. "Did you hear what so-and-so did?" "Looks like so-and-so wasn't as nice as we thought." "Yeah, no one really talks to so-and-so anymore." "So-and-so? Haven't heard from them in six months." And long after the damage is done people are coming up to me and admitting that I was right. I don't want their apologies, I want my friends back.

Okay, now I sound completely insane. I might be. The point is that I've come a long way from being this mad and I don't want to slip back. It hurts to lose friends. It hurts to be right and treated like I'm an idiot. It hurts to see my friends indifferent to me when I'm hurting. I need to find a way to deal with all these things drug-free.

Maybe this is just part of the healing journey, but DAMMIT I want my big brother back. I want to talk to him, I want him to coo over my wedding photos. I want him to mock me for TTC so young. I want him to get up and do stupid dances to cheer me up. I want him to disapprove of my smoking and drinking and drugs. And there's no way. Because no one on this good green earth ever admitted that he did anything wrong.

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Okay now I'm feeling better.

You know I'd take chinese water torture over this cold. Winter has hit like a ton of bricks. I walked out of my house this morning wearing jeans, a long sleeved top, a jacket, and Kevin's giant red whindcheater, and instantly felt like all my blood had turned to ice. Not to mention it's damn near impossible to get out of bed. You have to brave the cold.

Apparently I have such a standup record with my bank that they've decided to give me an overdraw function. I really wish they hadn't done that. I didn't realise until payday when my transaction record informed me that I had been 100$ in debt when I got paid, so I had to pay that back plus 35$ overdraw fee. What a bunch of jerks.

It's not easy being green.

I'm still trying to explain to Kevin the difference between "clothes and dishes are clean" and "house is clean". It's not coming up well.

On the plus side, I'm really quite happy right now.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

My family isn't built of blood,
We're carfeully woven, bound by love;
For every drop of love that's spilled,
It isn't like a person killed;
We've laughed and cared and kissed and dated,
Seen words and deeds and life created;
We're seeing all there is to see,
City's roar and ocean's breeze,
I know I never need to fear,
Where I am, my family is here.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66
Nipple piercings and their dangers

You know it's almost a crime that I haven't told you guys what happened on Friday night. It was pretty epic. Well maybe not epic so much as gross.

Txt from Gareth at midnight. "Can you guys come over? My nipple is pissing blood all over my shirt." I think that's fairly self explanatory.

So we busted a move across the street to find out wtf happened. Now I have seen Gareth drunk and stoned before, but this was the first time I had ever seen him slurring his speech and looking disoriented. So that was my second clue that something was way wrong. He had gone to his wife's parents' place. They had all drank too much, smoked some weed. Then he and Linda had an enormous fight and he came home. Then he had managed to get his nipple ring caught on the latch of his bathroom door, didn't notice, and slammed the door.

So, I immediately rang an ambulance. His nipple had literally torn in half. It wasn't the first time it had suffered damage. When his daughter was very young and he wore a bar insted of a ring she had pulled it out one side of the hole. This was a tad worse. So I gently cleaned him off, kept him calm. Half of me was thanking God that he was stoned so the pain wasn't too bad, the other half was just pissed off that he his wife had let him go home in such a bad way after a big fight. He didn't even want to call her, said she wouldn't care and knowing her I'd agree with him.

So the ambulance arrived and only had one spare seat so we had to leave Kevin behind. The paramedics were really nice, they did a great job. Gareth was very wasted and apparently trying to make himself look like he was insane. He rambled on to the paramedic in the back with him, telling him about the latest body mutilation trend (sixteen needles in either arm). He told him about the alcohol but not the drugs, which was stupid since using isn't illegal so it wasn't like they were going to report him. And Gareth is hardly an addict, he barely even drinks, and has probably been stoned two or three times since I first met him four years ago.

So at the hospital before we were shown to the waiting room I leaned over and mumbled to him that he should tell about the drugs, they weren't gunna do anything but they should know. He called out to the ambo who just smiled and said, "It's already on the chart, I've been doing this job a long time."

So I'll skip forward a few hours to when we were seen. His nurse and doctor were both awesome. The nurse was this incredibly frank, honest type guy. I liked it. He came in to put some numbing cream on the nipple and Gareth joked about *****slapping him for hurting him. The guy says as he leaves, "Do that and I'll put a really big needle in your arm." And we were like wtf? The paramedics are gossiping about body mutilation? It was funny. After the 45 minutes it took for the cream to work (at this point it was about 3am and we were falling asleep), the nurse came back and cleaned him off. More jokes about a guy rubbing his nipples ensued. The nurse assured us that he was making it as painful as possible to prevent arousal.

The doctor was equally frank. At Gareth's request she informed him that the nipple ring hurt his chances of breastfeeding more than the damage done. She administered two local anaesthetics to his nipp. If you've never had one, let me tell you this, I screamed from getting them in the soft part of my arm. They do not tickle. He took it like a little girl, and I can't blame him. I got the delight of watching the doctor clean away all the clots and excess tissue. She told us he had torn down to the duct. He needed three stitches.

So then we got pizza and went home, finding Kevin sleeping on the couch at 4am. Pizza was nice, but afterwards I just crashed.

So that was my Friday night. How was yours?

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66
Things that piss me off: The Big Bang

Okay, I don't know why this irritates me so much. But it sure does. The Big Bang Theory. Firstly, the name. It's not a theory, it's a hypothesis. It does have a lot of supporting evidence, but it is by no means proven. In fact, there are several reasons why it couldn't possibly happen. If you're into speculative physics and know a lot of big words, visit the wiki. Sure, there is the doppler effect which suggests the universe is expanding, and the background radiation waves proving that at some point, somewhere, an explosion of some kind happened. I'm happy with that. But it's by no means substantial.

Secondly, it defies all reason. I know I'm not taking into account a lot of factors here, but just the basics piss me off. It's based around defying two of the most basic laws of nature. You cannot create or destroy matter, you only screw around with what's already here. Also, nothing happens for no reason. Sometimes we don't know the reason, but that doesn't mean the reason doesn't exist. There are a lot of things to suggest the big bang really happened, but they all defy those two basic laws. I'm even willing to omit the second one, because the law of probability suggests that given a long enough timeline almost anything would happen.

Thirdly, the fact that not believing in the big bang gets me lumped in with creationists. There are more options than 1. God created the universe or 2. the universe just happened one day. Usually I side with science on matters of natural philosophy, but even I think 1. sounds more reasonable. I think our tiny little minds cannot grasp the concept of infinity and have to find a way to put a beginning and an end to everything. It's like God, he wasn't created and he won't die. He just is. He always was, He always will be. Deal with it.


Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Advanced physics aside, I'm starting some 3D modelling! My one and only colleague is a programmer and I'm a writer/artist, so we're getting together to make a game. Means I have to digitalise my artwork. It's not going so bad. It could be worse. Kevin's giving me hell about ignoring him all the time, but honestly, this is my dream. I'd go to the ends of the earth to pursue it. Which would be a long way because as we've already established, infinity is a possible concept.

Anywho, I have to find a way to condense my quality time. Rather than 4 hours a night of meandering conversation and maybe a movie we don't really like, an hour-long activity that gains both our interest plus sex whould do it. Quality, not quantity. I need time in my life.

Time is something I'm so short of. Kevin only sees me during my spare time, so it's like he thinks it lasts forever. All I ever have is spare time! Not the case. Once dinner and chores are done when I'm home, I maybe get two hours to do other things. And I never get enough sleep. I feel like since we've been married I haven't had a single night where I could just sit down and do something. He has now idea how to act independantly of me. He gets pissed off at me for being on the computer while he's bored and I'm like... "wtf? Do you not have books and a playstation and friends and chores and stuff? Why do I have to find fun for you before I'm allowed to do anything." We had a talk about it last night.

I'm really excited about this game. In fact one might say I'm stoked. I need to get serious about it. I know the end product is going to be fun, but the production is just plain old hard work. I've only made a head so far. Honestly it was the thing I was most worried about so that's actually a good thing. Turns out I'm not bad at heads. The next few months have to be filled with serious work. The hallmark of bipolar people is that they don't finish anything they start and I really want this.

Also, with the complete recession of anything keeping my moods stable my graphomania has returned! It'll be great for writing a story, but it did keep me up until 2am last night scribbling on my bedsheets with my fingers. I know it's a serious disorder, but I really like it. It makes me happy.

Time, gravity and spatial imaging. Guess we didn't really get off advanced physics.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

Bad ways to die:

Being eaten by a hippo.

Death by a baseball to the head.

Death by a cactus falling on you.

Death by drowning at a lifeguards party.

Death by telling a joke.

Death by really, really needing to pee.

Death by pure, unadulterated stupidity.

Death by fairy cakes.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66
A conundrum of ethics

Can you hate a N azi?

Usually I let this thing censor when I use words that can be censored, and I have avoided that this time because I mean an actual, heil hitler, jew hating N azi circa 1942.

The reason you can object to their philosophy is that they hate someone based on their race, religion, political affiliation, etc.

And yet by hating them you yourself will be hating someone for their political affiliation and religious beliefs.

This may seem a little theoretical but honestly I've had several extreme right-wingers piss me off today. I believe in everyone having the right to do, say and think whatever it is they please within the limits of the law. In fact I think a few laws should be ammended because they prevent things that I can't see any secular problem with. And yet people with the view that people should be controlled, restricted, that it's immoral to work outside the limit of religion or political affiliation or whatever.... they drive me up the wall.

Is it ethically hypocritical or an unavoidable paradox? Is it right to want to stop someone doing something that stops someone else doing something else?

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66
Banned accounts

Wow it's a big thing. What was it, like ten people? That's an incredibile amount of effort for zero benefit. I mean, if she was conning people out of money, it wouldn't be any nicer but at least I could see the point.

I could care more, I think. If I really thought about it and devoted the time and effort I could probably be really pissed off. If nothing else about the emotional attachment some people form for fake personalities, at which point it becomes cruel. But really, I can't be bothered putting that kind of effort in right now, I have my own worries without anyone else's.

But really what does upset me is that it breeds distrust. I'm perfectly used to these weirdos who get off on multi-accounting it. But then I'm also perfectly used to greeting the dawn from behind my keyboard and know how to hotwire a computer. Not everyone on these forums are internet junkies like me.

I lead a fairly exciting life, I make a point of it, in fact I'm so easily bored that I will go out of my way to do something worth talking about. And I inherit that from my family, all of us are easily bored and able to conveniently ignore consequences that have not yet affected us. It leads to a lot of news, a lot of injury, a lot of relatives and a lot of drama. this wouldn't be the first forum where I was "called out" on something that was 100% true. It's not because I defy belief, it's because there are trolls who try to make out that they're interesting without actually putting in the effort.

So in the interests of continuing my comfortable semi-anonymous existance, only being squicked at when I provoke people, I'm going to do something that I've been meaning to do for ages. I'm going to add pictures to my family tree! ^_^

Now I am missing a few, I haven't seen either of my oldest brothers since Saima's second wedding, don't generally keep photos of my dad's exs or their exs and only have access to a certain amount of photos from my workdesk, but here you go Smile

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66
Tips on how to lead an interesting life

As you may be able to tell by two posts in half an hour, I am kind of squicked out by this whole troll thing. So I thought I'd write an informative guide to the professional troll on how to have something to create interest without lying. This is also useful to the layperson sick of having nothing to talk about aside from the weather.

So here it is, 5 simple steps to leading an interesting life and how they will help.

1. Make friends with a rock band.
This may lead to:
-Taking up car surfing
-Amateur body piercings
-Being convinced your friend is a rainbow god
-Playing guitar on the beach at sunset
-Road trips
-Visits to the emergency room at 4am

2. Go to a LAN party.
This may lead to:
-Being able to wire an electrical circuit with a tea candle and a roll of maksing tape
-A broad and worldly knowledge of the fine art of foul language
-Caffiene poisoning
-4 hours sleep over 3 days
-Falling in with the wrong crowd
-Getting a frag count

3. Go to a non-denominational church.
This may lead to:
-Flag waving
-Praising the Lord
-Blowing on horns/trumpets/seashells.
-Getting into the spirit of things
-Awesome afterparties

4. Throw an open houseparty.
This may lead to:
-Improvisational replacement of all of your belongings
-Glow in the dark silly string permanently welded to your ceiling
-The playing of drinking games
-Strip poker
-Cake eating
-Trivial pursuit

5. Fall in with the wrong crowd.
This may lead to:
-The sudden appearance of rainbows and unicorns in your day-to-day life
-A new appreciation for the depth of body mutilation culture
-Many trips to the emergency room
-Improvisational replacement of all of your belongings
-A new appreciation for how hilarious GBSTV is.

So there you have it, Emeli's advice on how to spice up your life ^_^

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Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66


I was just bored and reading back through my old posts, and I stumbled across a debate thread I did a hit and run on ages ago. The girls there thought that I said a child deserved to get AIDS.... I really wish I'd checked back and cleared that up, but I thought the post was so innocuous that I didn't bother.

The exact quote was:

"...if a child that age is having sexual contact then whoever it's with probably deserves AIDS."

They thought... I meant... It was a bit of an awkward sentence, but really! The kid they were talking about was like six! Like I give a damn about the health and wellbeing of someone who would have sex with a six-year-old!

At least I learned my lesson about hit and run on the debate threads, it's not something I usually do. I hope everyone saw the posts some other girls wrote explaining the misinterpretation, it might hurt my reputation as a debater if people think I advocate children getting AIDS. :S

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

I think I need to go back to pill-munching. Mm, delicious pills. I thought I could handle the depression without them, but that was real stupid. I probably getting one bad day in every five. After the wedding I was one bad day in every ten. It's getting more frequent. But even when I don't feel crappy there are symptoms. I can barely get out of bed in the morning, I'm constantly late for work because I'm needing to sleep 14 hours a day. I can't get motivated to do anything. It's easier to manage my marriage because this time around I know what's happening, I still fall to pieces over tiny things but I can say to Kevin "I'm just depressed, it's not really that bad, baby" instead of "HOW could you do this to your WIFE, you miserable BASTARD!" That's a pretty big improvement. And this time last year I had one good day in every five instead of the opposite. But I feel like I'm slipping back towards that point and it's just not worth it.

On a related matter, you know what I hate about doctors? They can't give you a straight answer. They're so petrified of being sued that if there's even a one in a billion chance that it could go differently to what they're thinking, then they will dick you around so they can avoid responsibility for the decision.

The question I ask is: "are my anti-depressants likely to affect a pregnancy?" The answer I get is: "Oh, well, it's classified as untested in pregnancy." Not "It's possible but I've never seen it", not "Let me look up the ingredients and see if anything rings a bell as dangerous", but something completely not useful in my decision making at all. It's not like I'm asking for a guarantee, just something to point me in the right direction with a realistic assessment of the risks. And my doctor was the only GP in a country town for about 15 years, she handled every pregnancy, birth, post-natal care case that happened in that town for 15 years. She knows what medications do. She just doesn't want to tell me something that might not apply in my case. It pisses me off. It pisses me off that they do it, and it pisses me off that they have a reason to. I could be skipping along on a rainbow right now, but I'm not, I'm irrational, angry and very, very sad, because I have no idea if taking the medication to get me better is a good or bad idea.

I went to see a geneticist yesterday. She was very beautiful with this gorgeous Swiss accent. No woman should be that perfect, could be a movie star, chose to be a rocket scientist. That's not playing fair with us mere mortals. Anyway, i wanted to find out if my dad's blindness was X chromosomal recessive, meaning I would pass it down to my sons. Turns out that in order to properly test they need to first test my dad. That has about as much chance of happening as my sons being born with a golden glow and able to strangle snakes in the crib. However, from what we think it is, the gene is not on the X chromosome. So that's good news.

I wanna go back to uni. I think I want to be a doctor. I know that sounds a little insane, but in this country it's a piece of cake to go back to uni. I went in at a very young age and couldn't keep up with the work, but maybe with a few more years under my belt, a bit more maturity, some extra support at home, I could do it. Maybe I'd be a programmer or something, I dunno. I want to advance my career, I want to advance my skills. I'm smart, if my IQ test and geneaology are to be believed I'm ridiculously smart. I can do advanced calculus, I retain information well enough that I was able to talk in medical terminology with the geneticist from what I learned in year 10, and I've been writing at a university level since year 9. I'm just not very disciplined. That's partly the depression. Maybe I should take up cocaine.

Maybe I won't take up cocaine.

It's so stupid and juvenile but that geneticist got to me. I want to be that. I want to be the one who makes people look at me and think "it's not fair that she gets to be the way she is and I have to be the way I am." God, that even sounds stupid to me. But being as whimsical as I am it's my want. And I can be better than I am. I've proven it a dozen times. I think it's a special thing to be able to affect real change within yourself. And i've done it.

While we're not on the topic, censorship. We has it. I'm not a censorship n*zi, I fully understand it, and I support what they're doing on this forum, keeping language civil. However I'd like to cite two examples.

One is the worse kind. Yu-Gi-Oh online. Stupid I know, but my husband plays so I get into it. They have very young kids and poorly programmed censorship. So the main currency of the game, given to you by a duelpass, is actually given to you by a duelp***, I t**ught something while ingame. In that case, I don't think it actually helps. Bet you never knew the word "thought" was dirty. They'd like to point out that it can be, if anyone would like to know. It's something I find with American censorship a lot, in the attempt to wield the cleaning power of a hydrocolonic irrigation, they actually make things a lot dirtier by turning otherwise innocent things into something with veiled filthiness. Yes, ladies, typing the word thought is actually just a bulked up way of calling someone a ho. Bet you never knew till they pointed it out.

One is the better kind. The funny kind. This is the Something Awful forums. There instead of bleeping out a word, they change it. This is probably necessary for the large amount of extremely distasteful language that goes on there. So, instead of f*ck, they say gently carress. Instead of sh*t they say poopie. It is actually more effective I think, because instead of our brains replacing the **** words with what was actually written, the foul rant of a disturbed individual becomes something jolly and hilarious. "I wanna gently carress her!" "What a load of poopie!" "I'm gunna kick your round bottom!" It's funny. It gives me a laugh.

So anyway, that's it from me for now, back to you in the studio.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

I have PROOF!

They all thought I was crazy, "Susan," they'd say, "She's unstable, she's mad." Jeffrey the Security Spider may be just an urban myth, but oh NO! This time I have photographic evidence!

This place DOES produce enormous creepy crawlies of malicious intent!

The biggest grasshopper I have ever seen just tried to KILL ME!

I was walking to the store, between the wall and the front bumpers of the cars, when he leapt out on the bonnet, scaring the bejibblies out of me. And completely humiliating me in front of the old man sitting in the car. So on my way back I took some time to get a photo and walked around the back of the cars, one of which didn't see me and tried to run me over.

So that's my story of how I was nearly killed by a gigantic grasshopper.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

I'm sick again. It makes a lot more sense now that my doc has told me my immune system is pathetic. Still, there's a certain amount of inconvenience that goes with getting the flu every three weeks.

I think the best think about being sick is that it comes with a certain feeling of invincibility, like there's no way I could possibily feel worse than I do right now. Parade every ex boyfriend I've ever had past me, the onyl way my nose would be out of joint would be when I blew it in a most disturbing and gross way. A nuclear bomb could hit and I'd walk out of the wreckage looking exactly like I do now and ask, "Does anyone have a Strepsil?" Strepsils rock.

So a hot cup of coffee and a slower than usual work day are in order, which is nice. I must be pushing one hell of a fever, cause it's a cold rainy winter's day and I'm finding my jacket unbearably hot. At least smoking isn't wreacking too much havock on my system. Everyone seems to think that being sick is the perfect time to give up smoking. This is not true, because when you're feeling this crappy the last thing you want to do is add withdrawal onto your already long list of symptoms. And if you've been smoking longer than a week it's not like it hurts your throat anymore if you do it in moderation.

So it's now 40 days until I move to Perth. I'm excited. And anxious. And a bunch of other stuff. I'm getting a lot of anxiety attacks. Which is fairly unpleasant. If I could only have a day off work to see my doctor, but heaven knows when that'll happen. The thing about anxiety attacks is that they're hardest when they're completely subconscious. If you know you're worried about something, it's not so bad, cause you can make a decision to relax, reassure yourself. Right now my heart is thundering in my chest and I can hardly breathe and I have absolutely no idea why. Maybe I'm anxious about the move. Maybe it's that I don't have a guaranteed job after this one. Maybe I'm worried that I took yesterday off which means less pay and a harder time next week. I do not know. All I can do is try to generically relax. It's rough.

But, enough of my mentally ill shennanigans. I have a TV again! I have mixed feelings about it but it is nice to curl up on the couch and zone out with Kevin. We've been having top quality cuddles lately.

And that's about it from me for now.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

It's 1 hour until my interview. I'm just sitting in my chair jittering. I got the jibblies. TBH I did not think I stood a chance at this job. I forgot to attach my cover letter when I sent the application, so I pretty much wrote it off. I could not have been more surprised to hear from them.

The job is a big one. Lots of coding and development, lots of customer liason, lots of travel, heaps of pay. This could be my ticket to a real career in IT. I'm not sure they'll want me, my coding skills are quite limitted. But then, in Perth there's not much choice about those sort of things. The jobs are many and the workers are few.

My sister emailed me yesterday. She'd been planning to put me up when I got to Perth regardless of whether or not I had a job. Which is a pretty bold move, seeing as she and I had massive problems last time we lived together. But then her rent was being raised to 400$ a week and she couldn't afford it. Kevin and I offered to chip in the extra 60$ a week, but it means I must go over there with a job. There's no ifs, buts or maybes. They're desperate for experienced admins there, it's about half the pay but enough to live on and I've done the admin thing before. The time for picking and choosing draws to a close right now. I was never going to be picky, but I was keeping my jobsearch limitted to things that would keep me on this career path. I'm a good office worker, I might have to settle for something less than I was hoping for. It's all good though, I'll find a job, me and Sim will be like peas and carrots again.

I'm really looking forward to leaving this job. It's nice here. It's cushy, no one cares if I blog while at work. The coffee is good. The pay is good. The hours are fine and there's a lovely rose garden outside. But the work is too easy, I have too much time on my hands. When I'm 45 and working one of the top roles I'd love to return here, but if I stayed here I would never advance in my career. There's no challenge. I'm happy to be moving on, though I will miss the people here.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

It went okay. There were a few moments when he seemed entirely unenthusiastic, but in an hourlong interview what can you expect? I think I'm into the second round of interviews. I'm not going to post much on the topic because I don't want to get my hopes up. The job search still needs to be in full effect.

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66

I'm starting a "300 laughs per day" campaign on this board. It's important that we never stop laughing. It might be the most important thing in life to me, that no matter where I go, who I'm with, what state my world is in, I can still find something to make me laugh.

I strongly encourage anyone who sees something funny to post it here, in my journal. Lolcats, funny stories, jokes, whatever you like, put it here. And I'm going to try to find something that makes me laugh every single day and share it with anyone who reads this thread. I still want to tell me story with this journal, but I want it to be told how I live it, with funny, witty things every single day.

So to start things off, some funny pictures!

Emeli's picture
Joined: 03/24/08
Posts: 66
Laugh for 22/05

My 21st is coming up and it's a costume party. It got me thinking of the time I went to a costume party that my brother was hosting. The theme was farm animals and space mutants. I went as a cow. I made this 70s minidress in cowprint material, threw on some clogs, did my hair up kind of like a mane and wore a viking hat for horns.

I was going with two mates of mine. He went as a comet and she went as Dorothy the Dinosaur. The thing was that we were finishing up the Dorothy costume at her parents place, which was over the other side of Melbourne from where the party was.

So, quite fashionably late we were going through Flinders St station (the hub of Melbourne). We had quite a generous stop over at Flinders so we went out to watch some kind of Emo rumble that was happening outside which consisted mainly of two rival emo gangs ***** slapping each other and crying. It was fairly funny, but then a clearly drunk gentleman approached me.

"Excuse me, are you a viking?" I told him I was, in fact a cow, and the viking hat was my horns. "Oh, well my name's Joe, and I'm a real viking."

Now that's funny as is, but the really great thing about it was that Joe had a ridiculously thick Scottish accent. Joe the Scoittish viking talked to us for some time before wandering off to the pub for another drink before his train.

So that's the story of Joe, who we still talk about to this day.