In the fastlane

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mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272
In the fastlane

Trying to think of a journal name to fit this was more difficult than I thought. But I think it's fitting, the past three years have flown by. It's amazing. And yet looking back I can't remember the little things, I've tried starting a journal a few times but always get distracted. I am going to try and keep up with this one as a place I can go back and remember and keep track of things.
I'm pretty sentimental today. Three years ago today, December 10, 2003, I conceived Cianna Smile Well acording to my chart anyways, it's the day I ovulated. We were about to give up on the ttc thing for a while actually. I was so positive I wasn't pregnant. And then less than two weeks later, on December 22, 2003 I found out I was SO wrong Lol I was scared and nervous and axious but most of all so happy I could scream. I wanted to tell everyone. Sometimes I really miss being pregnant. It's such an amazing time, so exciting and miraculous. In the past 3 years that one little egg and one littler sperm have become on of the most amazing beautiful little two year olds ever Smile As much as she tries my patience at times she really is very well behaved. I get compliments all the time on how well behaved she is. In fact she is so well behaved it's part of what tries my patience at times cause she's always trying to help Lol and as well intentioned as a two year old is, there are some things they just can't/shouldn't do. She is amazing though, I know it's sappy but sometimes I just look at the girls and my eyes well up. They are all I've ever wanted in life and I have them and they are mine. Not only that but they are beautiful and perfect in every way. Okay maybe that's just the mommy in me but they are.
So anyways, on to life. I start college tomorrow after two weeks of confusion. I was supposed to start Nov. 27 but my financial aid info didn't clear on time so they pushed me back to Dec. 11. I'm so nervous and excited. It's a new step in my life and for that I'm excited. To be moving onto something new and doing something to better myself and help us out more. But I'm nervous. I haven't done any kind of schooling since I was pregnant with Cianna and even then it was just a few college courses. Nothing serious. Just my nursing assistant course and medical terminology. One of the classes I start tomorrow is a writing class. Which is one of my worst things. I'm just not good at writing papers, ect. But I'm determined to do well with this, no point in doing it if I'm not going to do it right. Our parents gave us a nice break this weekend so I'm refreshed. MIL and FIL took Cianna overnight Friday and my mom came and took her overnight Saturday. It was my mom's first time taking Cianna overnight and she just loved it. My mom is really doing a lot better since my parent's divorce finalized, she's calmed down. My dad, not so much. I really hope he gets his life straightened out but I try not to think about it much. Mentally, he seems more like the dad I knew, there was a while where I didn't even recognize the person he had become. He has a ways to go though. Anyways, back to the weekend. Tony and I went out to dinner last night. We had to bring Sofia but it was still a really good time. I even got a piece of the most delicous peanut butter chocolate pie for dessert. He's been doing better himself too. He just has a problem with only thinking of himself most of the time. About a month ago he kind of let me in on his feelings about having kids that really hurt me. He basically said he only tried for Cianna because I wanted to so bad and he wasn't ready and that for a while he held that against me and even had thought at one point that I tried to get pregnant with Sofia without telling him :-? I felt horrible for the Cianna thing and pissed that he would think I would decieve him like that. He didn't tell me at any point that he had any doubts about having a baby, just went right along with everything. I don't know, I'm trying to get past it, there's nothing we can do about it now other than make sure he knows that he should tell me these kind of things. Of course he decided to tell me, he's almost positive now he doesn't want anymore kids. I decided to drop the subject. I have an IUD and it will last 10 years. We'll be in our early 30s in 10 years and at that point we can make a final decision. There's a lot that can change in 10 years. I'm happy with just the girls. I really am, I think I would be at peace with being done. But I think there's just that little part of me that wants to do the pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding again. I feel ripped off my pregnancies and births. I am determined to make it to at least 37 weeks next time around and have a nice water birth that I've always wanted with a healthy full term chubby baby put on my breasts to nurse within minutes of birth. I want that so badly. But at the same time, I know that that is all I want, not the child he/she will become. At least not yet. I have my hands pretty full and until the girls are more independant it wouldn't be fair to have another anyways.
Plus there's a lot I want to do and my body could use a break. I want to finish this degree, which should take about 20 months, having me graduate around Aug/Sept. 2008. Next fall I am going on NWTCs waiting list for their nursing program, which will take a few years to get into. I don't even remember what they told me but I think it's 2-4 years. Until I can start that I'll get a job at the hospital. I'm not completely positive I want to do nursing though. But for now it's the plan. I'm going to look at how far I can go with Health Administration. I know I want to work in the hospital. I may even look back into the Medical Sonography. Who knows at this point. I want to do something medical, just have to decide what.

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

So I start classes in about two hours! :shock: Ahhh! I so hope I do well. I will, I'm just nervous.
So my friend, I'll call her T, called today. Asking me to babysit for her. I'm pissed. Not at the fact that she asked me to babysit, but at the fact that the only time she EVER calls me anymore is if she wants something from me. Babysitting, rides places, ect. Those are the only times she calls anymore. Not that I really care anymore. I've resolved to the fact that I don't really want her as a friend anymore. Which is sad, we've been friends our entire lives, well since age 5. But we are such different people and the things she does and just how selfish she has continued to be after the birth of her child just never cease to amaze me. There's a long list, too long to get into right now. I'm sure at some point I'll mention her again. The basics is she never wants to take care of her child. So she calls me up and asks me to babysit at 3. I'm fairly sure she already knew I start school today, but in case she didn't I told her. So she sits on the phone waiting, like I'm supposed to find her someone or something. Then I tell her I have to go and she calls me back 20 min. later. Can I babysit at 9pm? She'll switch shifts at work. Ummmm, I like to sleep at 9pm. I work all day long, will probably be studying all night, I NEED my sleep tonight. I told her I'd talk to Tony about it. I know he wouldn't want me too either. I'm tempted not to call her back. Why should I, I don't need anything from her :roll: I have no problem watching my friends' children every once and a while but I got into the habit of doing it for her a while back and she asked and asked and asked until I found out that every night she was having either me or her mom taking her baby so she could go out get wasted and wh*re herself around.
But onto more happy issues, Sofia is SO close to crawling. I'm happy and proud but I'm kind of hoping she holds out until at least Dec 26 Lol So I can get my tree down before she takes charge of the house ROFL

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Oh my gosh! I don't know how people do it!? I'm only doing the family and school balancing act and it's only the first day and already I'm struggling with making time for everything. I can't imagine moms who go to school, work and raise a family. It's both easier than I imagined and harder. The participation points are earned in a forum discussing amongst other students in your classes. So PO has helped me Lol as I'm a pro with that already. Wouldn't guess with the over 16000 posts huh? Lol But I feel like my brain has turned to mush over these past few years, I already have an assignment due tomorrow and have to start working on a persuasive essay next week. An essay! :shock: I don't even remember where to start! I know I'll do fine but gosh, this isn't going to be as easy as I thought. Oh well, after all is said and done this is going to be so worth it.

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

So school is going to be hard this week. And I've figured out the big downside of online schooling, when I'm online I'm ever so tempted to come here ROFL I can't do that *slap* Anyways, I actually calmly looked at the entire syllabus today and this week IS the most difficult I think. It's getting us back into the swing of things and there's TONS to read. If I counted right it's over 200 pages to read before Thurs for just my writing class (that's the one with the most stuff). Which isn't that bad but for someone who hasn't done any major reading for a long time it's a bit daunting. But anyways, Sofia's almost crawling! Tony said she took 2-3 'steps' crawling last night while I was working on school stuff. I feel kind of jipped. I mean I'm home all day with the girls and I never get a break except maybe a once a week hour long trip to the store and she decides to do it infront of only dh first :-? I mean I'm happy cause I know he gets excited when they do their firsts in front of him, but I feel like I should be the one around for all that :oops: Anyways, she did another big first today and we both saw it. Not really a first but kind of. She was on all fours rocking and she got herself into a sitting position. She's kind of done it before but it was more of a she was sitting and tried to get on all fours and then back to sitting, her legs hadn't gotten out from under her yet. This was an actual crawling position to sitting position Smile I'm excited about her crawling but I was kind of hoping for a bit more time...say 2 weeks Lol I really wanted to get my tree down before she started crawling. Is it horrible that I can't wait to get it down :oops: I'm just not in the Christmas mood this year. I did all the decorating, shopping, present wrapping, and everything. Still not in the mood. I kind of give up on this year. It just sucks, we are so broke we had to 'borrow' money from Cianna's savings to pay for Christmas. We're putting it back when we get tax returns but I just feel like crap for having to do it in the first place. It's just everything seems to be going 'wrong' lately and it's getting expensive and it's money we don't have. I just can't wait until tax return season! Lol Plus I'll get my financial aid soon, so we'll have some money, not that it isn't already spent. I'm getting a laptop specifically for school stuff and new glasses or contacts. Plus I'm thinking of putting Cianna in preschool part time. I feel bad but I just can't study with both the kids around and dh is hopeless at keeping them both occupied and out of the room so I can study and it's only been one day. I figure she'll love it anyways. She loves getting out of the house and doing things and being with other kids, I really think she'd love preschool. She's doing really good with potty training. She's going by herself on the potty all day long now only calling us when she needs to be wiped and help her wash her hands. Still a diaper at night and naptime but I'm waiting till we're done with the crib to tackle that. She's so good with her colors and shapes now and she can recognize the letter C Smile And if she wants to she can count to 10, it's impossible to get her to do it on command though. But I've heard it with my own ears. More often than not it's mixed or missing the number 4 Lol but she has done it correctly. She's just getting so big. I can't believe she's almost two and a half!

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

It clicked! You know the past two days I've felt like I had no idea what the heck I was doing with this online schooling thing. I wasn't sure if I was doing it right, but today it just kind of clicked. Of course it helps that I read the syllabus the full way through ROFL I was just reading the online syllabus but then I looked at the one I had in print and it is so easy. It lists out everything we have to do and when and I was just overwhelming myself trying to complete everything at once. I think I'm going to do pretty well now. Of course I have to pick an essay topic now. I'm not sure what to do. I could choose one of the topics they have for you to choose from or I could make one up and get it approved by the instructor. Pros and cons to both. If I made on up it would be something I actually know a bit about and am passionate enough to be focused on it. If I choose one of the already selected topics then I would be learning about something new, which is kind of the point of college. Lol So I don't know yet, I only have until tomorrow at 8pm to decide. So far I'm pretty happy with this whole deal and my nerves are starting to calm down.
Tony wants to know what to get my for Christmas, I think I want a new diaper bag from him. I know it isn't very fun but it's something I want. I don't need a new one but I saw a cute little one at Shopko that I'd like. It's a lot smaller than our current ones and I would like one for just short outtings. Rather than this big diaper bag with some wipes and 1-2 diapers in it Lol Of course I could use a new wallet too since my old one was stollen :evil: But I already suggested that to someone else. I can't even believe it's only 12 days till Christmas, and really more like 10 cause we'll be so busy from the 23rd on with Christmas activities. Sofia's still not crawling, just doing her rocking thing and getting frustrated. I did a good clean of the house today so I'll feel better if she does start. Though I'd still like her to be nice and wait. I even tell her that ROFL I've been trying to convince her that it's not worth the stress to try and crawl and she only is allowed to sit on her butt and look cute for such a short time in her life she should take advantage of it. Ah well, tree comes down in 13 days or so

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

I got my first grade today! 30 points out of 30 points. I am really getting the hang of this! I'm really happy about it. I'm still a little confused on the participation parts of it but otherwise I am pretty pleased with online education.
Best of all, I'm starting to get the hang of handling school, the house and the girls. My house is clean again! And I finally switched out car seats for Sofia. She is officially out of her infant carrier Sad I am a little sad over it. I'm giving the carrier to a friend who had her baby in Nov. to use as a spare. That carrier has carried both of my girls when they were just tiny :cry: I get sentimental over such stupid stuff. I know I might as well give it to her, since she'll get use out of it. It expires in 2010 and I know we aren't having any more babies before then so it makes sense to just get rid of it rather than have it sit in storage collecting dust but it still makes me sad. Sofia kind of started crawling backwards today too! She's not fast by any means but she's doing it on all fours. Any day now I guess. It seems to have all went by so fast this time around. That makes me sad too. But she is at such a fun age right now. Looking back I am not quite sure why anyone really likes the newborn stage. Lol I mean don't get me wrong I do myself but it really doesn't make sense. Newborns are hard work with little reward. I really like the smiley, giggly, talkative stage Sofia's at. She is still a baby but she interacts Smile One of my favorite ages. Cianna's coming into a good age too. Her terrible twos seem to have subsided a bit amazingly. Could I possibly be getting off with only half a year?? Lol She's really reduced her tantrums lately and she's becoming such a good little helper. She puts her dishes on the counter by the sink when she's done eating and she says please (no thank yous or excuse me yet, we're working on it) and she's just really good. If I tell her to put her toys away she does and she really tries to make her sister laugh now. Oh and Sofia started 'dancing' in the past few weeks. It's really cute. She bounces while she's sitting when she's excited or there's music. But I have to get going....

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Just got my first grade in my com class (the last one was my IT class) and it's another 30 points out of 30 points, I'm so excited!

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Today is visiting Santa day! Lol It's a Packer game so I figure today is a better day for it cause hopefully everyone will be at home watching the game. I'm nervous about bringing them myself though. Cianna didn't care for him last year and Sofia is scared of strangers...and Santa. We went to the ILs last night and they have a big dancing Santa and I brought Sofia to look at him and she started crying :shock: I guess we'll see how it goes.

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

So our Santa trip went better than expected Smile Cianna was so excited up until it was our turn. And then she wasn't so sure and when Mrs. Claus asked if she wanted to sit on Santa's lap she shook her head no :-? So I told her Santa would give her treats if she sat on his lap. And her being my child with her love of sweets she was on his lap before I knew it. She wasn't going to act happy about it though. Sofia wasn't wanted to smile either but at least she didn't scream...right away. Overall I'm happy with the pictures we got, the girls aren't smiling but they aren't screaming either, so it was a sucess. Today I really have to go see my grandma with the girls. I've been meaning to all month and I have to before Christmas and we're busy the rest of the week. Tomorrow we have to go down to our insurance company to fight some things :roll: way to get me in the holiday spirit. I don't even want to get into it. Then Friday I have a hair appt and playgroup. Not sure if I'll make it to playgroup though. After the holidays are over I really want to start bringing the girls to story time too. I can't decide if I want to make cookies or not this year either. I think we will but I don't know how they'll all be eaten. I'm not a huge fan of sugar cookies and dh really isn't all that into sweets either. And then there's when to do it. I have to finish Christmas shopping Friday night or Saturday and I want Cianna to help with the Christmas cookies cause she's the only reason I want to do them Lol And then I have to figure out how I'll make the pretzels for my mom's house on Sunday and still go to church before we have to be at her house. And my MIL is really getting under my skin, which isn't like her. I know everyone seems to have something against their MIL but me and her have always gotten along great. Well when Cianna was a baby we had some issues but we worked them out and the past few weeks she's just really getting to me. Things like criticizing me for nursing Sofia to sleep and cosleeping. She's getting annoying. Telling me Sofia will never be a 'well-adjusted' child if I continue, ect. Yeah, cause her kids are so well adjusted :roll: And then i brought up how I'm getting my hair done, well she works at a salon and she got all offended that I am not going to her salon, simply cause I asked dh to ask her what they charge. I just wanted to know, I didn't say I was going to go there. And on top of everything. Christmas is important to me, really important to me. Christmas Eve is grandpa's birthday. And this is the first Christmas my parents aren't together. And Tony's mom is basically insinuating if I'm so stressed about Christmas I should choose one thing a day and of course it should be their side of the family's thing. I'm so tempted to not even go to anything of theirs on Christmas Eve with the girls, just tell Tony to bring a seperate car and if he wants to go by himself he can. I really can't wait until Christmas is over! December 26 the tree is coming down and I'm going shopping!! Well I might wait to shop until the 27th or 28th. Not sure but I definately want to get to some of the after Christmas sales this year. I really should try to get ahead with some of my school work over break too.

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

You know what really sucks? I can't even afford a $30 copay to go to the dr right now. I REALLY should go to the dr. A few months back (2 or 3 maybe) I developed a rash on the right side of my body. My arm, shoulder, and leg. It's red and itchy. I figured it would go away, heat rash maybe. But it hasn't, someone told me the other day it looked like eczema and it does. I just figured it couldn't be since I thought that you basically had to be born with it and even most kids outgrow it, but I found out that's not the case. It's really starting to bother me too, it seemed like it was getting better for a while but the itching has really picked back up. But that isn't even the reason I want to go to the dr so bad. I think I need to go back on antidepresents. I'm not sure it's PPD, I just think I'm normally depressed. I've been saying I'm fine for so long but I'm not. I definately don't feel as bad as I did with the PPD with Cianna but I just don't feel like 'me'. I am not an angry kind of person but I catch myself getting so mad at Cianna sometimes, even Sofia which is completely rediculous cause she's just a baby. I find myself having to go to my room and calm down a lot during the day lately. A lot of it is stress, I know that. There's no way to reduce my stress. Unless we come into a large amount of money...wouldn't that be great, but it's not happening. Well tax returns and financial aid money I guess, but those are already spent and we don't even have them yet. I had to ask my mom to buy Sofia a pack of diapers last night which made me feel even worse. We are broke until payday and she was out, what could we do. But my mom shouldn't have to do things like that. I just feel really lousy lately and I just want to feel normal again. But I didn't feel normal on Lexapro either. I didn't feel like I had any emotions on Lexapro. In fact I still have some that I didn't take from 2 years ago, they're expired though. Not that I think I'd want to take them if they weren't. Maybe I will, I don't know. I guess it's something until I can go to the dr. Oh and my blow dryer broke this morning :evil: just in time for Christmas. I wanted to cry, it just seems like everything has been going wrong these past few months. Tony doesn't get paid holiday leave so we're missing out on two full work days in the next two weeks. He couldn't even go to work if he wanted cause they're closed, so he's going to try to put in some more overtime, but he's not sure they'll let him cause he already works a good 10 hours overtime a week. I just hate being broke. I keep telling myself it'll be better. When I'm done with school I can start working and it'll be better, right? I don't want to be poor forever, I hate living where we do. I see it everyday, all the people around us, just rotting. Not trying to do better for themselves and their children, letting their kids run around and vandalize property at all hours of the night, preteens out on the balconies smoking cigarettes or who knows what else, toddlers in diapers running around in the parking lot. It just pisses me off to even look at these people let alone live next door to them. Both of our cars have recieved all kinds of dents and scratches on them since we moved here, we've had our Christmas wreath stolen from our front door, pumpkins smashed, ect. I just don't get people. Oh well, karma right? Speaking of, I still haven't heard anything from the police officer about my stolen wallet and everytime I try and call he's not in. So I've given up, not much I can do about it now but move on and hope someone doesn't screw us over even more than we already are.

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Christmas is over! LolYahoo I really don't hate Christmas, I just hate what everyone does to Christmas, I love the holiday. One of these years I'm just going to tell everyone to screw off and do my own thing with MY family. I'm just so over trying to please everyone and running around and getting the kids cranky and off schedule. We got a wonderful :roll: present on Christmas night.....a bug or food poisoning. Me and Tony were up all night throwing up. I felt better the 26th but Tony said he was throwing up all day. So then Cianna comes down with the runs. On the 27th and yesterday she had accidents in her bed when she woke up in the morning and after her naps. It was the most nasty thing I've ever seen/smelled :? 4 times over! So I've been washing her sheets and blankets instead of catching up on the masses of laundry I have piled in the hallway. We managed to get all the boxes and packaging thrown away as of yesterday but now we need to somehow get the house back in order, which feels impossible and we don't even have all the toys at our house yet! We left some at the ILs cause the couldn't fit in the van. I'm really excited for one of the toys we left there though. The girls got this bouncing zebra thing, they love it Biggrin But I really can't wait until the house is back in order. I was hoping to get ahead on school stuff but I've been busy non stop since last Monday but it's not looking likely seeing as it's Friday and school starts back up next week. I still want to get the house back together before it starts which feels impossible cause Tony's going to be gone tomorrow. But anyways, going to ask my mom or MIL if they want to watch Cianna at least. I spent most of my Christmas money on groceries last night :-? at least we're going to have some really yummy food the next week Lol We had steak last night and we're having pork chops tonight and roast sometime this week, I'm really excited Blum 3 I still want to go get a pair of jeans hopefully but I'm not sure the money will last, not to mention I need to get a present for a friend's baby's 1st birthday. I can't wait to get the financial aid money, we just need so much stuff! Our computer is not doing so great which isn't good since I go to school online so I'm hoping to get a laptop and my eyes checked and some glasses when we get the money. Not to mention we need more printing paper and just a long list of other things we need. Tax returns I found out we aren't even going to have basically. Tony wants to pay off our loan with the money. Well it won't be paid off but at least it'll be closer. And I know that's the smart thing to do but it sucks! I can't help but feel a little resentment towards Tony with it. It's still his loan from before we met from his spending sprees he went on for stuff, most of which his ex took :evil: and then he added on to it to get his truck, which is over 10 years old and I didn't want him to buy in the first place :evil: Oh and he wants to spend more money on it now, to put a new engine in :roll: I wish I could get it across to him that we HAVE NO MONEY! Uggg! Maybe I should just tell him it's his job to do the bills.....well then they probably wouldn't be paid on time and we'd get stuff shut off :roll:

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Well...............

Took long enough! Lol She's been rocking for well over a month and going back and forth between hands and knees and sitting for almost 3 weeks! I'm excited but this means I really have to get my butt in gear about keeping the house, especially the floors, spotless

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Amazing how quickly things click for these little ones once they figure something out. Sofia would only crawl when you coaxed her up until yesterday. Now she's going everywhere. Not fast but I'm sure that isn't far off. The day she started crawling she also pulled to standing! She's been pulling up to her knees on things for the past 2-3 weeks but it was the first time she pulled herself up to standing. She's only done it a handful of times since then but that's just fine with me. She crawls kind of funny. Like she's half trying to walk, half crawling. Her right knee isn't on the floor when she's crawling usually, just her left one. But her right leg is more 'walking' Not sure how to explain it. Tony thinks she'll walk early, I'm not too sure about that. Cianna only crawled 2-3 weeks later (in age) than Sofia and she wasn't walking until 14.5 months. I guess we'll see, but I'm really not expecting her to be walking until May/June.
School started back up. I really wish I would've done a little more during break to get myself ahead. I guess it's better I didn't cause with most of my courses I won't have a break to get ahead. But it would've been nice. Especially since Tony is just about refusing to help. His version of watching the girls so I can do homework yesterday was laying on the couch half asleep watching football while the girls ran/crawled around the house. The house was TRASHED when I went out there to check on them and then he decided he wanted to go to his friends house for 2 hours cause the girls were being too loud for him :roll: So I ended up working on and off on school work until 10am-8pm, fun. The excitement of school is wearing off fast this way. I just can't do my school work and take care of the kids at the same time. I need to concentrate and can't do that with them needing me. At this point I really want to just strangle my husband. He complains all day/night about how hard he works. And I know he does. But he doesn't give me a shread of appreciation for everything I do, going to school, cooking our meals almost 100% of the time now, keeping up with the house and laundry and taking care of the girls. It's a job that takes up my entire day. From the moment I wake up to the moment I lay down to sleep, not to mention all night when the baby wakes and needs something. I don't get sick days or vacations or even just a weekend. I love how on the weekends his excuse for not helping is 'it's his day off', oh really, when is my day off? I haven't had a day off in over a year. Before Sofia was born occasionally I'd get a few hours here and there off, but now, nothing. I haven't been without at least one child 24/7 for over 8 months. I love my kids more than anything but you know even just a few hours for ME once a MONTH would be nice. I keep trying to talk to Tony about it but he just doesn't get it. It's ironic really, his grandma is a marriage counselor; but he won't even agree to go to one.
Anyways, I truly am crazy but I have goals in my life and I've been thinking about what I'm going to do after I get my associates degree next year. Back when Cianna was a baby I developed an interest in medical sonography, but since then I've gone back and forth between that and nursing. The tech college has a waiting list for both programs and I've just been so torn between them. On one hand I could become a nurse. Not what I ultimately want to be but I think I'd enjoy it. The big bonus about becoming a nurse is that eventually I could have the option of becoming a nurse midwife. Which is my dream job. Then there's medical sonography, it's something medical and it's working with people both things I really am interested in and want in a job. I think I'd really enjoy it. Big bonus, no long hours. Nurses usually work 12 hour shifts. I'd be away for either the whole day or the whole night and want to sleep most of the day. I'm just really starting to lean towards medical sonography. So I'm pretty sure I'll be getting on the waiting list for that in the fall. I mean if eventually I decide to go into nursing I can always go back to school. And then I'll be a nurse with the ability to do ultrasound so I doubt I would have a problem getting a job. I do have to remember to call today to find out how long the waiting list is for the program though, I don't graduate out of my current degree program until Aug/Sept 2008 and I don't want to start another one before that :shock: I don't think I'll have a problem though, I think the waiting list is at least 2 years long. I know for nursing it was about 3 if I remember right. I wouldn't mind starting in Aug/Sept 2009, then I'd have a year to start working and saving up some money. Plus Cianna starts kindergarten (OMG :shock: :shock: :shock: ) in the fall of 2009. Lots to think about.

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

I don't think I bragged about my grades yet LolBiggrin Anyways, I'm in two courses right now (9 weeks long, then two more 9 weeks long, ect is how it works) One is IT105- Skills for Learning in an Information Age and one is COM120- Effective Persuasive Writting. In my IT course week 1 was a possible 130 points (Total for the course 1000), well I got 130/130!! Can we say GO ME! I got 68.3 out of 70 points in my other course. Still VERY good I'm a little peeved because the 1.7 points deducted were participation ones and I didn't realize exactly what we needed to do for participation and it was only the first week but oh well I guess. Now I know. I really hope I continue to do this good. I mean, I'm sure I will. I'm a little worried about the COM course. I already have the rough draft of our final essay due at the end of the month. I have only just started researching. I think I'll do fine though, just a little nervous. I'm doing good this week though. I'm actually done with almost all of my assignments. I just have to do one more participation day (you are required to participate in board discussions with at least 2 replies 3 different day of the week) and one more assignment before Sunday night Smile I'm really starting to like online schooling and I'm actually a little dissapointed I am going to have to go to the tech school for my medical sonography Blum 3
Anyways, did a big clean on the house today, still not totally finished. I hope I can finish before the house turns into a wreck though. I finally went and bough a big tuperware bin for Cianna's toys in her playroom. BEST idea ever! Tomorrow we have a playdate so I better get to bed Smile

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

It's amazing how much changes in a year, a year ago I was 5 months pregnant and watching my best friend give birth. It was an amazing experience watching someone else give birth, I hope to be able to experience it again in my lifetime. And today, while we're still on speaking terms, she is by no means a best friend anymore. There was a time we talked at least once a day, now we talk maybe once a week, sometimes once a month. She's just gone downhill so much, I know it sounds horrible but I don't want her to drag me down with her, so I'm letting her fall. I've tried all I can to help her back up and she doesn't want help, she won't accept it. So, I no longer have a best friend. I've tried but she was my best friend for over a decade so it's a little hard to relate to anyone quite like I related to her. So I'm kind of mourning the loss of that friendship still, especially today cause I am going to her daughter's birthday party and it'll be the first time I've seen her in over a month (mind you we live in the same apartment complex). My birthday is tomorrow too, when she called me the other day for a ride (did I mention the only time she does call me is when she needs something from me?) she told me she wants to bring me 'out' for my birthday. I have no desire to go to the kind of bars/clubs she goes to, no desire at all. I'm not quite sure how to tell her nicely
Onto nicer subjects, Sofia is so mobile now! She's crawling like a pro and pulling up and she can even get herself down to a sitting again without falling from when she's standing. She's not doing it often yet but I'm sure that will also come far too quickly.
Oh and I get my financial aid money within the next few days! I picked out the laptop I'm getting, very excited about that. This computer is definately not going to cut it much longer. And then I get to get new glasses which I also desperately need! Plus new spring/summer clothes for Cianna. And then to top off it all, I'm going to get a new digital camera!! Yahoo I can't wait

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday dear meeeee
Happy Birthday to me! Biggrin

:jumpingbeans: :happybday: :clinkingbeer: :thewave: :party: :bounce8: Yahoo :boogie: :wootjump: :cheers1: :clink: :bdaycake: :blob7: :blob10: :blob11: :blob5: :blob3: :party:

And to top it off, we're going out to eat with my mom tonight at Los Banditos!! Yummy!

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Oh and I forgot to mention, Monday I went to the mall looking for an outfit for Sofia's 9mo pictures. Didn't end up finding one but as we were leaving I stopped outside of Picture People (they are right by the mall exit) to put on all of our coats and grabbed a brochure from PP cause I was curious about their prices. Well the lady came running out after me Lol and said I could come in right then for pictures if I had time and I'd get a free 10x13. How could I say no? Well obviously that's how they make their money cause I must say PP is more expensive for a reason, the pictures turn out so good! I went in promising myself I'd just get the 10x13 one of the girls and came out with a 10x13 and wallets of the girls and an 8x10 of Cianna Lol Spent $30 more than I had planned on. But they are so good, I'll stick with Target for Sofia's 9mo pictures but I'm definately getting some of her 1yr pictures done at PP.
Here's the pictures, keep in mind I didn't plan on getting their pictures done that day so they aren't coordinated or dressed up Lol
The 8x10 I got of Cianna

The 10x13 and wallets I got of the girls

Another of the girls


I really liked this one too

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Today is a great birthday Smile My little Miss Sofia said mama today. 2 years to the day after her sister did (Cianna said mama first, Sofia said dada first)

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

It seems like just when you think people are changing you find out they aren't. Can people really change? Some people say they can, personally, I've never seen a person change. Maybe for a few days, weeks or even months, but it never lasts. My husband, my dad, my mom, my friends. Or maybe it's me with the problem, I mean really, are all the people around me that messed up? Maybe it's me. Sometimes I don't know what to think.

On another note, my mom is starting to piss me off again (not really related to the above vent, at least not at this point in time). She brought me out for my birthday and proceeded to tell me how 'wrong' it was that I'm STILL breastfeeding Cianna :roll: She suggested I just pump and feed her with a bottle (not that she'll take one...her response to that was 'she'll get hungry eventually' :roll: ) I exclusively pumped for 12 months with Cianna and the only thing that kept me going was knowing what I was doing for her and that she wouldn't take the breast. I absolutely despise pumping since then, my mom knows this. She just doesn't get it. She always lay the guilt trip 'Do you think I'm a bad mom cause you were formula fed?' :roll: You know I will say I do hope my girls breastfeed, but if they don't I will not call them out on it or call their parenting choices 'wrong'. The word wrong last night just really struck a nerve, like I'm sexually abusing her or something or that it's gross. I love breastfeeding, it's the most calming, bonding and rewarding thing I've done. I love every minute. Of course she goes on to say 'well at least it's only three more months, I better never see you with that baby attached to your tit after that' :roll: Can you tell how much of a nurturing loving mom she was. I of course told her 'you won't' cause I'm doubting Sofia will be nursing much during the day at that point. I do fully plan on letting her go up to 18months-2. Right now 2 seems a little old for my personal liking but you know, a year ago I would have said 12months was my limit, now I can't imagine cutting her off just cause she turns a year. I get the same thing about cosleeping from her too of course. I am trying to get her out of our bed at least into the pack and play in our room, but I'm not in a huge hurry cause I do love cosleeping. Oh and another thing that she said that was just totally rediculous on her rant about me breastfeeding 'Mandi you HAVE to stop that' Or telling me how gross it was or whatever, she just went on and on. Like she has any kind of control over what I do. And then she gets surprised that I talk to and relate to Tony's mom more than her. Tony's mom has never called me out on any of our parenting choices, even ones she doesn't agree with. She will say she doesn't agree with it but she never tells me what to do or that I'm 'wrong'. And on my birthday of all days. Whatever. I'm going to go lay down for a nap cause I was out way too late last night

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

I wonder when I'm gonna get to page 2? Lol
I should really be doing homework right now but I can't concentrate so I'll do this for a bit. Lately I've been really thinking about our family and what I really feel deep down. I know I would love another baby with all my heart but part of me thinks the only reason I want another is because I want the 'experience' I never got with my girls. A full term pregnancy with a healthy baby and a less fearful birth. I am happy and feel very blessed with the children I have and sometimes I wonder if I should chance it. I've had 2 preemies, who is to say my next will be full term? I do know a lot more about how to possibly keep myself pregnant longer since having Sofia but sometimes it just isn't stoppable. My girls were 'healthy' preemies comparatively with very few problems, why chance it and have an earlier and less 'healthy' preemie. After Sofia's birth I think I cried for 2 weeks. When she was in the NICU I'd go back up to my room and cry and I felt a horrible guilt that she was in the NICU with IVs and being poked for billi and blood sugar tests every few hours rather than in my belly where she belonged. I blamed myself and felt horrible and like less of a woman that I could not carry my babies to term. Do I really want to put myself through that again? I'm not sure I could handle having a baby in the NICU again, it was the most horrible experience, I have tears in my eyes thinking about it. My heart hurt so bad. Then there is the part of me that doesn't want to give up on my dream of 4 children. The dream of a water birth with a full term baby. A quiet birth without an entire NICU team in the room. I almost feel selfish for wanting that, but it's important to me. I think Sofia's NICU experience is the main reason I am so content with waiting for another baby. I know I'm not ready for that again, I'm not sure I ever will be. And with my second premature birth I also gave up the dream that I would surrogate one day. Nobody would want a surrogate with premature labor problems, I'm not even sure a clinic would do a transfer to a surro with premature labor problems. That was something I had really wanted too, mainly after discovering preg.org and seeing how many women who would make such great parents struggle with infertility, I felt that was my calling to make a difference in someone's life. But I guess that wasn't it, so that also took some time for me to get over. I'm not sure I'm over it actually cause occasionally I still think about it until I remember.

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

So the weekend is over. I can't believe it's the middle of January already :shock: It's crazy! We're finally supposed to get some snow tonight. Part of me is excited, the other isn't. I'm not a fan of winter at all, so why do I live in WI right? Lol Truth is I'd move in a minute but I am way too attached to this town. I know this town so well I just can't imagine moving and then there's the fact that almost our whole family is here, the only people I'd ever trust babysitting are here and while we have problems, overall the crime rate is low here. I know which schools I do and don't want my kids to attend, ect. Oh well, we got off pretty easy this winter so far, very little snow and there's only about 2-3 months left of possible snow. It would be kind of nice to bring Cianna sledding this year I guess.
Tuesday we have a playdate at a gymnastics studio, I'm really excited about it. I want to sign Cianna up for some sort of gymnastics or dance class this fall so I'm interested in how she'll do with this.
Other than that we're not real busy this week. I got my financial aid check on Saturday, right after the banks closed Lol So my definate goals of the week are to get my digital camera and laptop at least ordered (if I order online) this week.
I did go and splurge this weekend, way too much. We celebrated my birthday last night and we went out for breakfast, dinner and then picked up some fast food on the way home from the bar last night. And then we went out to eat again this morning. And then today I decided to clean up the old fish tank and do something with it Lol So I cleaned it up and set it up and decided I needed new fish Smile So I am now the proud owner of 3 new guppies, 1 male, 2 female. They look so little in the tank Lol I think we'll get some more fish too, not sure what kinds. Have to look into it I suppose. I definately want to get a breeder net too so when they have fry they don't eat them. But that's for tomorrow, I'm worn out and the house desperately needs to be cleaned.

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

That financial aid check is screaming my name Lol How much torture is that to get it on Sat. right after banks close and then for them to be closed that Mon too cause of MLK Jr day Wink I want to get a new digital camera! I originally wanted an 8mp but after looking around the stores in the area I've become attached to a 6mp Sony. It has a black and white and sepia option too, which isn't overly important but I thought it was neat. It takes really good pictures too but I'm used to our 3mp camera Lol There was another one a Fuji that someone reccomended and it has image stabilization which I also want but for some reason I'm still leaning for the Sony, it is cheaper, and I'd rather not spend a ton right now. I want better than we have now but at the same time I fully plan on getting a new camera within the next few years, hopefully when I'll be able to afford a professionalish one. I've fallen in love with the Canon Rebel.
But anyways, the other day Tony started talking about a duplex for rent and set up a showing for today....it's the same exact duplex (Same side too) I lived in growing up from age 5-10 Lol It's nice and it's in a great neighborhood and at an awesome price. I'm trying not to get my hopes up though. We'll turn in the application tomorrow, but the guy said he had a lot of showings on that one and since we don't want to move in until March 1 (our current landlord requires at least 30 day notice) that he can't guarentee he'll hold it for us. It would be awesome, we even met the neighbors while waiting for the guy to show up and they were nice and had a 5 and 2 year old Smile We've had far too many things fall through though so again I'm trying not to get my hopes up, I'm not even really telling anyone IRL, but I'd appreciate any good thoughts/prayers Smile I so want a backyard for the girls to play in this summer and it just seems like the perfect place for us right now. As much as I'd love our own house this would definately make me happy. I am so over being in an apartment, it's nice for a few reasons (main being we only pay electric) but there's just so many negatives. I don't really know what to do though about giving notice, I don't want to give notice until we know we have the place but I want to give notice ASAP. I thought about going to see the on site manager and asking him about it. I mean if we don't get this place I still want to live here. These really aren't bad for the price and we would rather not move unless it's into something great, but at the moment we only have one great option. IDK, I guess I'll see if we're even approved in the first place. We have a good rental history but Tony's credit history seems to still haunt us at times like these.
Anyways, tomorrow I plan on going and looking at the specialty fish store. Tony swears he wants 'cool' fish, and isn't quite understanding that we need fish that will cohabitate well with guppies, which is pretty limited. I wanted Mollies but found out those don't doo well with guppies. So I think I'm just going to get some more guppies and a few tetras. Maybe I'll even splurge and get another aquarium so we can both have one :-? Maybe I'll just tell him he needs to actually know how to care for fish before he gets another :evil: We just gave away an Oscar he got a few months ago. We only have a small aquarium (10-15gal) and he gets an Oscar :shock: Most of me was pissed at Petco cause they didn't tell him he needed a bigger aquarium when he was buying the fish. I mean you figure they'd tell anyone buying a bigger fish they need one, just in case it's someone just buying because they think the fish looks 'cool', it happens. Anyways, luckily we knew someone with a 50gal empty tank willing to take him.
Sofia's really getting good at pulling up now, kind of starting to cruise. And Cianna is really starting to become understandable with her talking finally. She has been so sassy though. She just about pushes me to my limits daily, but I wanted girls right? Lol I think the big problem is she reminds me SO much of me. Those moments of my mom saying "Just wait, one day you'll have a daughter just like you" are coming back to me Lol I'm hoping it's just the 2-3 year old thing. She really wasn't bad until recently, closer to 2 1/2, sure she was a little sassy before but nothing like now. I have faith that my sweet little girl is still in there somewhere Lol She is still pretty well behaved for a 2 year old if you ask me. Anyways, I have the pack and play set up in my room now and Sofia took a nap in it today. She fell out of bed last night Sad So I think it's about time to switch her to her own bed. She wasn't hurt or anything we have our mattress and box spring right on the floor so it wasn't far but I think it's time. I'd like her in her own bed by 1 and really if we're moving I'd like to get her in her own bed right away. So over the next week I think I'll switch her to napping in the pack and play. And then maybe I'll try switching her to sleeping in it at night. And if that goes well maybe I'll move it out of my room. I don't know, I love cosleeping Sad but I think our time cosleeping is almost over. DH really wants to come back in the room and I can't blame him, he isn't comfortable sleeping in the same bed as her so he's been on the couch for almost 9 months. But I'm still sad over it.

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Cashed my check! Smile Well not really, the bank is holding it a week but at least I'm not holding it and looking at it anymore. Next week we'll order my laptop when the money comes through, but until then we'll look around.
I did get my digital camera...and I'm a little disappointed. It doesn't have image stabalization, which I really wanted, but it has other things I really like about it and it was cheaper, by a lot. If it was just a little I would've went for the other but if we get this duplex we'll need the extra money for moving.
I also got more fishies! Smile I'm kind of regretting getting the ones yesterday :oops: Cause the place I went today had so much more variety for guppies. I ended up getting a blue male and two females. Of course they didn't have much of a selection of females so I just got the two healthiest looking ones. And then I got 3 neon tetras. So total count is 2 male guppies, 4 female and 3 tetras, though I'm tempted to get one more tetra.
That's about it for today, tomorrow I really need to catch up on homework but I definately want to go look at photo editing programs too.

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

So the stupid bank is giving us problems :roll: When I cashed/deposited the check I asked if I could get money back and she said yes, $300. So I thought I was getting $300 from the check I was cashing and the rest would be put on a hold. Well, nope, they took our LAST $300 that was in the account for BILLS and the rest of my money is on hold...needless to say, I'm pissed. I had to go and borrow money from my mom to put in our account so checks we already sent out don't bounce. We tried calling the bank and they admited it was their fault but they won't do anything about it :roll: So, I won't be banking with Associated anymore. This isn't the first time they've caused problems for us and it's just way too much stress that I don't need.
We still haven't heard back from the owners of the duplex. I'm getting nervous. I really want this place and as hard as I've been trying not to get my hope up...they are up. It would just be so perfect for us, everything we need right now. I just really don't know though, when I turned in the application the front desk lady told me they'd get back to me ASAP, probably within a few days and definately within the next 2 weeks. Depending on how easily contactable our landlord is. Well our 'landlord' is a company and they are pretty easy to contact. Still crossing my fingers. I keep trying to remind myself that it wouldn't be horrible to stay here another few months, but I want a yard! It wouldn't be horrible to stay here, but we'd have to live in this cluttered mess. We have no storage here at all. One closet other than the ones in the bedrooms, and then a dinky 'storage unit' on the balcony that is about as big as a battub, maybe a smaller walk in closet. It's just not enough. But here we don't pay for any of the ultilities except electric, which is great. I don't know, I have faith that it will work out the way it's supposed to but I can't help but really really want this duplex.
Then I was having problems with school last night, tech issues with their website, which was frustrating.
Kids are too quiet, gotta go

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

We got the duplex! Biggrin
But of course these things don't come without issues of their own :shock: The condition upon which we can get the duplex is that we move in Feb. 1st...yeah, Feb. 1st as in 2 weeks from today. We need a full calander month's notice for our current landlord so we can't 'move' out of here until March 1st. So somehow we have to manage to come up with rent for both places for Feb. I think we can but Ahh! I'm happy and excited but I have to get my butt in gear now! I haven't even thought about packing yet, yikes!

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Joined: 08/10/03
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So we go down tomorrow to sign the lease. My mom is loaning us the first month's rent for the other place. We have Feb.'s rent for our current place and now we just have to figure out a security deposit. I'm in 'what do I need to do' mode Lol I made a move appointment with our current place and I need to write up a written notice of our intent to move. Then we need to figure out packing....we have SO much more stuff now than when we moved in here so I don't think we're going to get away with not renting a uhaul this time. So much money, good thing I got the financial aid :roll: I am really happy though, just a bit stressed until we figure out the finances, we'd be great if they'd let us wait until March. But I really don't want to risk losing this place. It's funny really, a week ago I would have laughed if someone asked if we were moving anytime soon. I'm glad that we are it's just kind of a shock. I'm so excited for this though. I'm excited for the space and the yard mainly but I'm really excited to be moving out of apartments too. I have learned to loathe apartment living. These ones are better than our last ones but apartments are apartments and while this one has a lot more families than the last there are also those who could care less that other people live here too. You can't get away from that with apartments. I think I'm going out with friends tonight, we'll see. I don't really feel like it but I do need to get out.

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Week 5 of school starts today :shock: It's amazing how fast this is going. Each class is only 9 weeks long, so I'm over halfway done. I wrote up the outline for my final paper last night and I'm feeling more confident about it. So far I'm doing great in both of my classes, As in both, one of them I have a 100% average as of right now. Pretty good, halfway done and not one point off.
The kids are both sick Sad Well Sofia's not really sick, she has a cough but that's it. Cianna's been cranky and tired with a cough, runny nose and fever. Cianna's really starting to be sassy, she has been climbing and getting into stuff she knows she's not supposed to and it's scaring the daylights outta me! She's also starting to really start to talk better, which is exciting and cute. I can't believe she'll be 2 1/2 this weekend. It's amazing, 2 1/2 is 30 months. When you say 30 months it doesn't seem like long at all but it feels like we've always had her. Sofia is 9 months old as of Saturday Sad I went and got her pictures taken, they turned out okay but she wasn't in the best of moods. She's been pulling up on EVERYTHING now and really starting to cruise along furniture. Her 9mo appt is tomorrow afternoon, I'm really interested to see how big she is now. She still seems so small, she's growing but she just doesn't seem like she's as big as Cianna was at this age :-? And she's so short compared to my friends 12mo. old. I didn't think 3 months really made that much of a difference. I guess we'll see. I really don't think I'll be able to switch her car seat around to forward facing at a year though. That's okay though, with the van it doesn't really matter.
As far as moving, ahhhhh! Lol We go get the keys on the 30th or 31st. I'm not sure when we'll 'move'. Since we have both places for the month of Feb. I have to call and make sure we have internet at the other place and hopefully have no or very little time without internet at either place. I want to be out of here by Feb 18-19 at latest so I can make sure to clean this place up good enough. I still haven't started packing :? Probably should get to it. I really want to go through EVERYTHING while we're moving too so we don't bring all of our clutter with us Lol As much as I'm glad we've moving i am going to miss this place. This was Sofia's first home. And I like a lot of things about living here, like no yard work and being able to have the heat on 74 Lol I like how this place has big windows and newer woodwork too. The new place has older dark woodwork and older smaller windows which I'm not a fan of but whatever Lol It has a garage and a basement and a yard! And closets!! One of the ladies in my playgroup has already offered to give us her old sandbox, so we already even have a yard toy Smile Now we just have to find a lawnmower Lol

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

We have baby guppies! Lol So the stats on fish are now 6 females, 2 males, 3 tetras and 3 fry(baby fish). Two females I got from PetsMart were floating at the top within two days. So I went back today to get 4 more. I'm kind of confused with the babies, I think I missed the birth. I thought forsure the mom was still having babies but I haven't noticed any new ones so I put the 3 in the breeder box and we'll see how that goes. I'm not even completely sure which mom had the babies Lol
Then I decided to go shopping and I spend WAY too much on headbands. I just discovered the Claire's sells baby girl hair accessories so I went and got some...$20, dh wasn't too pleased. Really that isn't that much, I'm sure she'll get plenty of use out of them. Lol I even got little velcro bows.
Speaking of Sofia today she got really good at walking along furniture. She's not real fast yet but she's definately got it down. She's also perfected getting herself down from standing, though she's been doing that pretty good for a few days. We had her 9 month appt on Tuesday and she's 18lb1oz 27in...which is 30% for height and 40% for weight. It's just so odd, with her being so small. I mean she's not tiny, but I'm used to how big Cianna was she was always in the 70-90% for both height and weight, I think Cianna was 27in by 6 months Lol And with Sofia doing all the physical stuff earlier it's going to look pretty funny when Sofia starts toddling around. She's just so short! Lol
We move this coming week. I still haven't sorted out all the details, but we get the keys this week. We can go get them Tues or Weds, I'm thinking probably Weds. No real reason but I guess we'll see how things turn out. Next weekend we'll move all the stuff from storage into the new place. I'm not sure when we're moving the rest of the stuff. I want to stay here as long as possible cause we don't pay for heat or water here, but I want to be out at least a week before Feb is over so I can deep clean. I just really have to make sure to call AT&T Monday cause that will determine when I can move the beds and computer over to the other place cause with me doing my schooling online I can't go a week without internet now.

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Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

I have been so torn lately. About everything, I'm just not feeling up to anything anymore. First, we got the keys for the new place on Monday, we went and took a few loads of things we don't really use over there. I'm really starting to worry we made the wrong choice :-? I mean there are tons of advantages, we really need to get out of apartments and we'll have our own yard and plenty of storage for all of our things and a garage and a lot more room. But we'll have to pay utilities, which we don't here. We're going to be broke again, we were going to have $200 extra a month cause we paid dh's debt off with the tax returns but now we won't and we'll be pay check to pay check again. On top of it when we went there we discovered the people on the other side of the duplex have a dog! :shock: A LOUD dog. I'm all for people being able to do what they want but I can tell this is going to be a problem. I am sorry, I just have no interest in listening to someone else's dog bark all day and night. In fact, I'm pretty against people who don't live in a house with a big fenced in yard getting a dog period. Dogs need space, and while these duplexes have more space than an apartment it's not what a dog needs, especially a big dog and I'm pretty sure it's a big dog since it had a lower sounding bark. I'm just not so sure about this anymore. These places aren't that bad, we have a park within walking distance and I live by people I know which at times can be annoying but others it comes in handy. But oh well, I guess it's too late for second thoughts now, I just really hope we made the right choice.
On top of all that running through my mind dh and I have been having some serious problems. I told him the other night I was taking the girls and moving in with my mom. I was completely serious but of course now he's working his butt off trying to do everything I've been asking him to do for months...or years now. I don't want to be full of empty threats and I don't want to have to threaten to leave in order for him to be the husband I need him to be. Then the other night I told him how I've been feeling lately about everything. I feel like he doesn't look at me and think 'wow, I'm so glad I have her as my wife', that's what I want. I bust my butt to be the best wife I can and I know I deserve that. Of course he said he does but he sure doesn't show it. I've just been feeling so down lately. I don't feel like cleaning anymore where normally I am all about cleaning and being organized. I barely feel like dragging myself out of bed in the morning anymore. I've been losing my temper with Cianna far too much and yelling at her far too much. I just feel like I'm spiraling down. I don't want to be a mom who's constantly yelling. In fact, I never wanted to yell period. I feel like I'm just failing. Failing as a wife, failing as a mom, failing in life period. Cianna still isn't talking well and a lot of what she says doesn't seem right to me. I know she's only 2 but she'll repeat things over and over again and sometimes it seems as if she doens't understand the most simple things I tell/ask her. She still won't say her name if asked and she's ALWAYS whining. Not crying, not talking, whining. Most of the time I can't even understand what she's whining about. I'd say she's whining 75% of her waking time. About what? Who knows. I've tried all I can think of. I taken away the tv time she had, thinking maybe it was that. But it hasn't improved. I am no longer on the computer if the kids are awake, hasn't improved. I just don't know anymore. It's sad that when I get the chance to go to the store alone I almost feel like not going back home. I love my girls more than anything, but sometimes I just feel like maybe they'd be better off without me anyways.

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

So, I'm doing a little better. I really don't know what is going on with me and I'm not interested in the slightest in going to a dr who's going to say post partum depression without a second thought or even a real look at me. I know I have depression normally, it's managable though. This, not so much. That said, it's nothing near what I had with Cianna. And to show up over 9 months post partum? :-? I was showing signs of PPD before Cianna was a month old. I know, not good to compare. I just really don't think that's my problem. I do feel better today, refreshed. The ILs took Cianna for the day, the entire day. Picked her up for church this morning and Tony picked her up at 9pm and she went straight to bed. It was nice to have a bit of a break, and I got to really get some reading in. I bought the 1-2-3 Magic discipline book and the more I read, the more I like it. I think it will really help both me and Cianna. I haven't finished reading it yet so I'm not sure I'll start it this week or not. I'd like to read the whole book first but then there's the question of when that will happen Lol I'm really hoping it helps, my goal is no yelling. By the end of the year I don't want to be yelling anymore. Well, I'd prefer it be before the end of the year but I make my goals managable.
Everything else is going pretty good though. Well not everything, I went to the new house on Saturday and :shock: they need to do a lot of fixing before we move in. The cupboards were nasty. It didn't look like anyone cleaned whatsoever before they moved out. I'm just baffled. When we signed our lease they also had us sign some cleaning agreement and an agreement to get the carpets professionally cleaned, I can tell you, the previous tenents sure didn't do either. The carpets in two of the bedrooms and the dining room have cigarette burns in them and the cabinets are damaged at the bottoms with water damage in the ones in the bathrooms. There's wires coming out of the phone jacks in two of the bedrooms. When I tried to open the kitchen window....it wouldn't open :shock: and there was duct tape on it; did I mention the patio door wouldn't open either and the handle broke off in the process of trying to open it...did I mention I'm not a strong person and barely weigh 110lbs? It's stressing me out, we have a meeting with the landlord tomorrow afternoon...well hopefully, we need to find a sitter.
OTHER than that though, it will be nice to have a nice neighborhood, a yard and storage. We are so cramped in this tiny apartment it isn't even funny. We have a tiny closet sized storage unit and one hall closet for storage. There is no storage in the bathrooms and just one closet in each bedroom. No pantry in the kitchen. We're just SO cramped.
Anyways, the kids are doing good. Sofia's cruising like crazy, a real pro at it now. She let go the other day but basically fell right away. She's pretty cautious so I don't think she'll be walking too soon. I'm going to work on a 'curriculum' with Cianna this week. I think it'll be fun. School, I'm doing okay. One of my classes I still have 100% in, the other I'm probably at a B currently, I think 94%. I am aiming to really focus this week, I think it's just 3 weeks left now. I did my rough draft and submitted it for peer review so we'll see how that goes. My cousin's wedding is Friday and I don't think we have a sitter for that either :-? Can you tell we have no sitters? My main problem is I don't really trust anyone. Tony's sister and parents are currently our main 'sitters', my parents do help a little, maybe once every other month. But it's late and I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. Night.

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

So, two more of my fishies had babies yesterday Lol We are now overcrowded with baby fishies in the breeder net. I think I'm done watching for babies. We have lots of plants in the tank so hopefully they won't all be eaten. I really wish I wouldn't have put all the babies together though, my blue female had her babies and I really want to save all of them but they're all mixed in with the rest now so no way to tell until they start showing color.
We had an appt with the landlord yesterday and I'm not impressed, not one bit :-? They didn't say if they were going to fix a lot of it or what. I really just wish we wouldn't have been so pressured to sign the lease so quick. I know for a fact we wouldn't be moving. I mean it'll be nice once and if everything gets sorted out but the landlord is an owner of a realtor company and he's all about bottom line. Not interested in fixing what doesn't need to be fixed. I think they're going to try to pin the broken door handle on us :shock: I talked to my mom last night and she said 10 YEARS ago that patio door was giving them trouble and she's surprised they haven't replaced it yet. There I go again, I'm really trying to look at this positively. No sense in focusing on the negative, right? We're signed in for at least a year there. Most likely we'll end up staying longer. I'm hoping to stay there until we buy or build a house. We'll see.
I've gotten myself another goal...take more pictures! Lol I'm sad, I used to take pictures all the time but I just haven't been into it lately and therefore I have like 2 pictures of the kids each month now :-? I used to take pictures at least weekly. Gosh, when Cianna was a baby I took pictures practically everyday. I'm trying to start planning Sofia's birthday party, I think we're doing it at our new place. Should be interesting. I can't believe she'll be one in 2 months 2 weeks :shock: And what's even more unbelievable is I don't have the baby bug yet. I'm pretty happy that we're done with babies for a while. I get to have my own body back whenever Sofia decides she's done with nursing and this summer is going to be so fun with the girls. I won't have the delicate newborn to worry about in the heat/sun. I won't have to worry about nursing every 2 hours or anything like that. Plus Sofia will be walking this summer so I won't even have to worry about carrying a baby everywhere. I'm just really excited, there's so much I've missed out on the past few summers....04 I was pregnant and then had a preemie so was stuck indoors, 05 Cianna was still basically a baby, couldn't do much and wasn't walking until Oct, 06 Sofia was still a newborn basically, I couldn't go outside without worrying about how hot she was, she wasn't old enough for sunblock, ect and she was still nursing at least every 2 hours all summer. I mean I loved being pregnant and having little babies but I'm ready to not have either this summer Lol Gosh, can you tell it's like below zero temps outside, me talking about summer already. Summer is still months away. Temperatures above freezing are probably at least a month away. I need to move

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

So where to start, we are all moved into our new place, well mostly. We have one more load to bring over of non important storage stuff. Then we have to deep clean the old place and turn in our keys and never look back. It's been a lot easier of a transition than I expected and I'm really starting to like not living in an apartment anymore. I think I'll love it this summer.
Sofia's really starting to let go of things when she is standing now and she has mastered the stairs :shock: We usually keep the gate up but one day I heard her squealing Lol and she was just so excitedly climbing up the stairs and she made it all the way up (with me following right behind her). Now she makes a bolt for the stairs whenever we put her down and then she stands at the gate squealing and rocking back and forth. She's also getting her first tooth! Yesterday it broke through the gums, I could feel it but that's about it. Today I can feel it a bit more but still can't really see it. Tomorrow is the last day of my first two classes :shock: I can't believe I'm going to have 9 out of the 60 credits I need after tomorrow YahooLol I am almost positive, depending upon my final essay grades, that I will be getting an A in both courses. One I am basically positive the other it's boarderline A or A- right now so the final essay could really affect it and make it to a B but I'm pretty confident that I did well with my essays. Speaking of which I should really get at finishing

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

So my first two classes are done Yahoo No final grades quite yet, they should be posted within the next few days. I'm so excited to see how I've done, I'm pretty confident. So today I start my next two classes, I wish there was some kind of break between courses but I guess that's just because we're so busy with everything else right now, normally it wouldn't be so bad. We're really busy today, my mom is supposed to be coming any minute to see the house and then the ILs are coming over at 3 to watch the girls while we clean the old house and then they are eating dinner over. On top of it all....we are STILL getting more snow. The plow hasn't come through and it's supposed to be garbage day. Speaking of everything I have to do, I really should get to it Lol

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

I keep almost forgetting about this journal :oops: Anyways, we had a busy weekend. The good, the bad and the ugly Lol Went to the circus on Friday and while I'm not the type to protest of even ban the circus it kind of made me sad. It was a great show and everything but the animals looked sad. I'll probably forget by next year but we'll see. Cianna liked it but not as much as we thought she would, she got really antsy and we had to leave at intermission so I was kind of bummed because most of the really cool stuff was during the second half but such is life with kids. Sofia is getting so good at standing on her own now. She's starting to do it all the time and can stand a good minute or two and she doesn't fall or anything she bends her knees and sits down when she's ready. Oh and her first tooth is threw Smile I think she's getting a second but I guess we'll see cause my days of feeling around in that little mouth are gone Lol she's got a sharp little dagger in there and it hurts when she bites Blum 3 I can't wait until this teething business is done though. I know it won't be for a while but I can't wait for a break at least. She's been up all night and her naps are all off whack and she's been wanting to nurse ALL day long.
Oh and we had my cousin and her daughter over last night. Her daughter is 11 months (to the day Lol ) older than Cianna and they had such a blast playing. I almost started crying. Not that that takes too much, I teared up at the circus too. It's just so bittersweet to be watching Cianna get so grown up. She'll always be my baby but she's starting to act like such a little girl and there's the mommy part in me wanting to say 'stay a baby for just a bit longer'. Okay tearing up again. I think I'm just tired, didn't get too much sleep this weekend and just finished a big assignment. Speaking of which I have a 4.0!!!!!! I got an A in COM120 and an A in IT105!!!! Yahoo
Not too much planned for this week though, a cousin is visiting Tuesday have to go grocery shopping a bit more Friday. Tony is ice fishing next weekend and we're going to finally get some nice weather next week....hoping that this is our last winter like week. Not holding my breath though.

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Did I mention we only have 1 baby guppy left :-? I think the move was what did it because while before we were overcrowded with them after the move they slowly started dying off.
Anyways, nothing special new. I am torn on my schooling once again. I am going to apply for the ultrasound tech in the fall, at least I'm pretty sure. But I have to find out how long the waiting list is, cause if it's more than 2 years I think I'm going to just go for my bachelors in health administration for now. I need to start working so we can do the things we want already! Lol I want a house and I want to be 'financially stable'. I know that nobody is ever 'financially stable' but trust me, we could definately improve on where we are at right now. Living paycheck to paycheck, never getting any spending money, ect. I can't just go to the store and decide I want to buy something. We're still at the point of worrying how we are going to pay for things we need. But I figure, around 2011 or 2012 we'll be able to buy a house, it feels like forever away though. I figure we may be able to go for a 2014 baby depending on everything. Who knows though, it's so far off and there's so many variables. It feels good to kind of have a timeframe for the next 5-10 years at least though. Again though, everthing depends. If I can find a good job off of my Associates I may not choose to go further with my education until later on or I may slow it down at least so I can start working. And if I start working we'll be able to reach our financial goals like buying a house and being debt free sooner. Not to mention, my student loans won't be building depending on where I start working because most places will do tuition reimbursment for my further schooling. I'm actually leaning towards doing that but the tought of putting the girls in day care is still hard on me. I SO want to be a SAHM and I am really leaning towards homeschooling them, but then there's us wanting a nice life for them too. We just have to figure out a balance I guess.

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Okay so I'm bored today and the boards are slow so I've been thinking about Sofia's birthday party, which is just a little over 6 weeks away :shock: Which means I have to get invites out in about 2 weeks. It's so crazy! I can't believe she'll be a year old already, this year has flown faster than any other year in my life. Even faster than Cianna's first year. But I've started thinking about the planning too. I'm torn on what to do, who to invite. Should I do a big party like Cianna's was or keep it low key since it will be at our house? Then the little details like cake and if I should buy the napkins/plates in the theme or just save $ and do solid colors. I only know 2 babies Sofia's age but then there will be the other kids we know that will be coming possibly. Lots of planning, I should probably start writing it all down while the kids are still napping