Trying to think of a journal name to fit this was more difficult than I thought. But I think it's fitting, the past three years have flown by. It's amazing. And yet looking back I can't remember the little things, I've tried starting a journal a few times but always get distracted. I am going to try and keep up with this one as a place I can go back and remember and keep track of things.
I'm pretty sentimental today. Three years ago today, December 10, 2003, I conceived Cianna Well acording to my chart anyways, it's the day I ovulated. We were about to give up on the ttc thing for a while actually. I was so positive I wasn't pregnant. And then less than two weeks later, on December 22, 2003 I found out I was SO wrong I was scared and nervous and axious but most of all so happy I could scream. I wanted to tell everyone. Sometimes I really miss being pregnant. It's such an amazing time, so exciting and miraculous. In the past 3 years that one little egg and one littler sperm have become on of the most amazing beautiful little two year olds ever As much as she tries my patience at times she really is very well behaved. I get compliments all the time on how well behaved she is. In fact she is so well behaved it's part of what tries my patience at times cause she's always trying to help and as well intentioned as a two year old is, there are some things they just can't/shouldn't do. She is amazing though, I know it's sappy but sometimes I just look at the girls and my eyes well up. They are all I've ever wanted in life and I have them and they are mine. Not only that but they are beautiful and perfect in every way. Okay maybe that's just the mommy in me but they are.
So anyways, on to life. I start college tomorrow after two weeks of confusion. I was supposed to start Nov. 27 but my financial aid info didn't clear on time so they pushed me back to Dec. 11. I'm so nervous and excited. It's a new step in my life and for that I'm excited. To be moving onto something new and doing something to better myself and help us out more. But I'm nervous. I haven't done any kind of schooling since I was pregnant with Cianna and even then it was just a few college courses. Nothing serious. Just my nursing assistant course and medical terminology. One of the classes I start tomorrow is a writing class. Which is one of my worst things. I'm just not good at writing papers, ect. But I'm determined to do well with this, no point in doing it if I'm not going to do it right. Our parents gave us a nice break this weekend so I'm refreshed. MIL and FIL took Cianna overnight Friday and my mom came and took her overnight Saturday. It was my mom's first time taking Cianna overnight and she just loved it. My mom is really doing a lot better since my parent's divorce finalized, she's calmed down. My dad, not so much. I really hope he gets his life straightened out but I try not to think about it much. Mentally, he seems more like the dad I knew, there was a while where I didn't even recognize the person he had become. He has a ways to go though. Anyways, back to the weekend. Tony and I went out to dinner last night. We had to bring Sofia but it was still a really good time. I even got a piece of the most delicous peanut butter chocolate pie for dessert. He's been doing better himself too. He just has a problem with only thinking of himself most of the time. About a month ago he kind of let me in on his feelings about having kids that really hurt me. He basically said he only tried for Cianna because I wanted to so bad and he wasn't ready and that for a while he held that against me and even had thought at one point that I tried to get pregnant with Sofia without telling him I felt horrible for the Cianna thing and pissed that he would think I would decieve him like that. He didn't tell me at any point that he had any doubts about having a baby, just went right along with everything. I don't know, I'm trying to get past it, there's nothing we can do about it now other than make sure he knows that he should tell me these kind of things. Of course he decided to tell me, he's almost positive now he doesn't want anymore kids. I decided to drop the subject. I have an IUD and it will last 10 years. We'll be in our early 30s in 10 years and at that point we can make a final decision. There's a lot that can change in 10 years. I'm happy with just the girls. I really am, I think I would be at peace with being done. But I think there's just that little part of me that wants to do the pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding again. I feel ripped off my pregnancies and births. I am determined to make it to at least 37 weeks next time around and have a nice water birth that I've always wanted with a healthy full term chubby baby put on my breasts to nurse within minutes of birth. I want that so badly. But at the same time, I know that that is all I want, not the child he/she will become. At least not yet. I have my hands pretty full and until the girls are more independant it wouldn't be fair to have another anyways.
Plus there's a lot I want to do and my body could use a break. I want to finish this degree, which should take about 20 months, having me graduate around Aug/Sept. 2008. Next fall I am going on NWTCs waiting list for their nursing program, which will take a few years to get into. I don't even remember what they told me but I think it's 2-4 years. Until I can start that I'll get a job at the hospital. I'm not completely positive I want to do nursing though. But for now it's the plan. I'm going to look at how far I can go with Health Administration. I know I want to work in the hospital. I may even look back into the Medical Sonography. Who knows at this point. I want to do something medical, just have to decide what.
So I start classes in about two hours! Ahhh! I so hope I do well. I will, I'm just nervous.
So my friend, I'll call her T, called today. Asking me to babysit for her. I'm pissed. Not at the fact that she asked me to babysit, but at the fact that the only time she EVER calls me anymore is if she wants something from me. Babysitting, rides places, ect. Those are the only times she calls anymore. Not that I really care anymore. I've resolved to the fact that I don't really want her as a friend anymore. Which is sad, we've been friends our entire lives, well since age 5. But we are such different people and the things she does and just how selfish she has continued to be after the birth of her child just never cease to amaze me. There's a long list, too long to get into right now. I'm sure at some point I'll mention her again. The basics is she never wants to take care of her child. So she calls me up and asks me to babysit at 3. I'm fairly sure she already knew I start school today, but in case she didn't I told her. So she sits on the phone waiting, like I'm supposed to find her someone or something. Then I tell her I have to go and she calls me back 20 min. later. Can I babysit at 9pm? She'll switch shifts at work. Ummmm, I like to sleep at 9pm. I work all day long, will probably be studying all night, I NEED my sleep tonight. I told her I'd talk to Tony about it. I know he wouldn't want me too either. I'm tempted not to call her back. Why should I, I don't need anything from her I have no problem watching my friends' children every once and a while but I got into the habit of doing it for her a while back and she asked and asked and asked until I found out that every night she was having either me or her mom taking her baby so she could go out get wasted and wh*re herself around.
But onto more happy issues, Sofia is SO close to crawling. I'm happy and proud but I'm kind of hoping she holds out until at least Dec 26 So I can get my tree down before she takes charge of the house :rofl:
Oh my gosh! I don't know how people do it!? I'm only doing the family and school balancing act and it's only the first day and already I'm struggling with making time for everything. I can't imagine moms who go to school, work and raise a family. It's both easier than I imagined and harder. The participation points are earned in a forum discussing amongst other students in your classes. So PO has helped me as I'm a pro with that already. Wouldn't guess with the over 16000 posts huh? But I feel like my brain has turned to mush over these past few years, I already have an assignment due tomorrow and have to start working on a persuasive essay next week. An essay! I don't even remember where to start! I know I'll do fine but gosh, this isn't going to be as easy as I thought. Oh well, after all is said and done this is going to be so worth it.
So school is going to be hard this week. And I've figured out the big downside of online schooling, when I'm online I'm ever so tempted to come here :rofl: I can't do that *slap* Anyways, I actually calmly looked at the entire syllabus today and this week IS the most difficult I think. It's getting us back into the swing of things and there's TONS to read. If I counted right it's over 200 pages to read before Thurs for just my writing class (that's the one with the most stuff). Which isn't that bad but for someone who hasn't done any major reading for a long time it's a bit daunting. But anyways, Sofia's almost crawling! Tony said she took 2-3 'steps' crawling last night while I was working on school stuff. I feel kind of jipped. I mean I'm home all day with the girls and I never get a break except maybe a once a week hour long trip to the store and she decides to do it infront of only dh first I mean I'm happy cause I know he gets excited when they do their firsts in front of him, but I feel like I should be the one around for all that Anyways, she did another big first today and we both saw it. Not really a first but kind of. She was on all fours rocking and she got herself into a sitting position. She's kind of done it before but it was more of a she was sitting and tried to get on all fours and then back to sitting, her legs hadn't gotten out from under her yet. This was an actual crawling position to sitting position I'm excited about her crawling but I was kind of hoping for a bit more time...say 2 weeks I really wanted to get my tree down before she started crawling. Is it horrible that I can't wait to get it down I'm just not in the Christmas mood this year. I did all the decorating, shopping, present wrapping, and everything. Still not in the mood. I kind of give up on this year. It just sucks, we are so broke we had to 'borrow' money from Cianna's savings to pay for Christmas. We're putting it back when we get tax returns but I just feel like crap for having to do it in the first place. It's just everything seems to be going 'wrong' lately and it's getting expensive and it's money we don't have. I just can't wait until tax return season! Plus I'll get my financial aid soon, so we'll have some money, not that it isn't already spent. I'm getting a laptop specifically for school stuff and new glasses or contacts. Plus I'm thinking of putting Cianna in preschool part time. I feel bad but I just can't study with both the kids around and dh is hopeless at keeping them both occupied and out of the room so I can study and it's only been one day. I figure she'll love it anyways. She loves getting out of the house and doing things and being with other kids, I really think she'd love preschool. She's doing really good with potty training. She's going by herself on the potty all day long now only calling us when she needs to be wiped and help her wash her hands. Still a diaper at night and naptime but I'm waiting till we're done with the crib to tackle that. She's so good with her colors and shapes now and she can recognize the letter C And if she wants to she can count to 10, it's impossible to get her to do it on command though. But I've heard it with my own ears. More often than not it's mixed or missing the number 4 but she has done it correctly. She's just getting so big. I can't believe she's almost two and a half!
It clicked! You know the past two days I've felt like I had no idea what the heck I was doing with this online schooling thing. I wasn't sure if I was doing it right, but today it just kind of clicked. Of course it helps that I read the syllabus the full way through :rofl: I was just reading the online syllabus but then I looked at the one I had in print and it is so easy. It lists out everything we have to do and when and I was just overwhelming myself trying to complete everything at once. I think I'm going to do pretty well now. Of course I have to pick an essay topic now. I'm not sure what to do. I could choose one of the topics they have for you to choose from or I could make one up and get it approved by the instructor. Pros and cons to both. If I made on up it would be something I actually know a bit about and am passionate enough to be focused on it. If I choose one of the already selected topics then I would be learning about something new, which is kind of the point of college. So I don't know yet, I only have until tomorrow at 8pm to decide. So far I'm pretty happy with this whole deal and my nerves are starting to calm down.
Tony wants to know what to get my for Christmas, I think I want a new diaper bag from him. I know it isn't very fun but it's something I want. I don't need a new one but I saw a cute little one at Shopko that I'd like. It's a lot smaller than our current ones and I would like one for just short outtings. Rather than this big diaper bag with some wipes and 1-2 diapers in it Of course I could use a new wallet too since my old one was stollen But I already suggested that to someone else. I can't even believe it's only 12 days till Christmas, and really more like 10 cause we'll be so busy from the 23rd on with Christmas activities. Sofia's still not crawling, just doing her rocking thing and getting frustrated. I did a good clean of the house today so I'll feel better if she does start. Though I'd still like her to be nice and wait. I even tell her that :rofl: I've been trying to convince her that it's not worth the stress to try and crawl and she only is allowed to sit on her butt and look cute for such a short time in her life she should take advantage of it. Ah well, tree comes down in 13 days or so
I got my first grade today! 30 points out of 30 points. I am really getting the hang of this! I'm really happy about it. I'm still a little confused on the participation parts of it but otherwise I am pretty pleased with online education.
Best of all, I'm starting to get the hang of handling school, the house and the girls. My house is clean again! And I finally switched out car seats for Sofia. She is officially out of her infant carrier I am a little sad over it. I'm giving the carrier to a friend who had her baby in Nov. to use as a spare. That carrier has carried both of my girls when they were just tiny I get sentimental over such stupid stuff. I know I might as well give it to her, since she'll get use out of it. It expires in 2010 and I know we aren't having any more babies before then so it makes sense to just get rid of it rather than have it sit in storage collecting dust but it still makes me sad. Sofia kind of started crawling backwards today too! She's not fast by any means but she's doing it on all fours. Any day now I guess. It seems to have all went by so fast this time around. That makes me sad too. But she is at such a fun age right now. Looking back I am not quite sure why anyone really likes the newborn stage. I mean don't get me wrong I do myself but it really doesn't make sense. Newborns are hard work with little reward. I really like the smiley, giggly, talkative stage Sofia's at. She is still a baby but she interacts One of my favorite ages. Cianna's coming into a good age too. Her terrible twos seem to have subsided a bit amazingly. Could I possibly be getting off with only half a year?? She's really reduced her tantrums lately and she's becoming such a good little helper. She puts her dishes on the counter by the sink when she's done eating and she says please (no thank yous or excuse me yet, we're working on it) and she's just really good. If I tell her to put her toys away she does and she really tries to make her sister laugh now. Oh and Sofia started 'dancing' in the past few weeks. It's really cute. She bounces while she's sitting when she's excited or there's music. But I have to get going....
Today is visiting Santa day! It's a Packer game so I figure today is a better day for it cause hopefully everyone will be at home watching the game. I'm nervous about bringing them myself though. Cianna didn't care for him last year and Sofia is scared of strangers...and Santa. We went to the ILs last night and they have a big dancing Santa and I brought Sofia to look at him and she started crying I guess we'll see how it goes.
So our Santa trip went better than expected Cianna was so excited up until it was our turn. And then she wasn't so sure and when Mrs. Claus asked if she wanted to sit on Santa's lap she shook her head no So I told her Santa would give her treats if she sat on his lap. And her being my child with her love of sweets she was on his lap before I knew it. She wasn't going to act happy about it though. Sofia wasn't wanted to smile either but at least she didn't scream...right away. Overall I'm happy with the pictures we got, the girls aren't smiling but they aren't screaming either, so it was a sucess. Today I really have to go see my grandma with the girls. I've been meaning to all month and I have to before Christmas and we're busy the rest of the week. Tomorrow we have to go down to our insurance company to fight some things way to get me in the holiday spirit. I don't even want to get into it. Then Friday I have a hair appt and playgroup. Not sure if I'll make it to playgroup though. After the holidays are over I really want to start bringing the girls to story time too. I can't decide if I want to make cookies or not this year either. I think we will but I don't know how they'll all be eaten. I'm not a huge fan of sugar cookies and dh really isn't all that into sweets either. And then there's when to do it. I have to finish Christmas shopping Friday night or Saturday and I want Cianna to help with the Christmas cookies cause she's the only reason I want to do them And then I have to figure out how I'll make the pretzels for my mom's house on Sunday and still go to church before we have to be at her house. And my MIL is really getting under my skin, which isn't like her. I know everyone seems to have something against their MIL but me and her have always gotten along great. Well when Cianna was a baby we had some issues but we worked them out and the past few weeks she's just really getting to me. Things like criticizing me for nursing Sofia to sleep and cosleeping. She's getting annoying. Telling me Sofia will never be a 'well-adjusted' child if I continue, ect. Yeah, cause her kids are so well adjusted And then i brought up how I'm getting my hair done, well she works at a salon and she got all offended that I am not going to her salon, simply cause I asked dh to ask her what they charge. I just wanted to know, I didn't say I was going to go there. And on top of everything. Christmas is important to me, really important to me. Christmas Eve is grandpa's birthday. And this is the first Christmas my parents aren't together. And Tony's mom is basically insinuating if I'm so stressed about Christmas I should choose one thing a day and of course it should be their side of the family's thing. I'm so tempted to not even go to anything of theirs on Christmas Eve with the girls, just tell Tony to bring a seperate car and if he wants to go by himself he can. I really can't wait until Christmas is over! December 26 the tree is coming down and I'm going shopping!! Well I might wait to shop until the 27th or 28th. Not sure but I definately want to get to some of the after Christmas sales this year. I really should try to get ahead with some of my school work over break too.
You know what really sucks? I can't even afford a $30 copay to go to the dr right now. I REALLY should go to the dr. A few months back (2 or 3 maybe) I developed a rash on the right side of my body. My arm, shoulder, and leg. It's red and itchy. I figured it would go away, heat rash maybe. But it hasn't, someone told me the other day it looked like eczema and it does. I just figured it couldn't be since I thought that you basically had to be born with it and even most kids outgrow it, but I found out that's not the case. It's really starting to bother me too, it seemed like it was getting better for a while but the itching has really picked back up. But that isn't even the reason I want to go to the dr so bad. I think I need to go back on antidepresents. I'm not sure it's PPD, I just think I'm normally depressed. I've been saying I'm fine for so long but I'm not. I definately don't feel as bad as I did with the PPD with Cianna but I just don't feel like 'me'. I am not an angry kind of person but I catch myself getting so mad at Cianna sometimes, even Sofia which is completely rediculous cause she's just a baby. I find myself having to go to my room and calm down a lot during the day lately. A lot of it is stress, I know that. There's no way to reduce my stress. Unless we come into a large amount of money...wouldn't that be great, but it's not happening. Well tax returns and financial aid money I guess, but those are already spent and we don't even have them yet. I had to ask my mom to buy Sofia a pack of diapers last night which made me feel even worse. We are broke until payday and she was out, what could we do. But my mom shouldn't have to do things like that. I just feel really lousy lately and I just want to feel normal again. But I didn't feel normal on Lexapro either. I didn't feel like I had any emotions on Lexapro. In fact I still have some that I didn't take from 2 years ago, they're expired though. Not that I think I'd want to take them if they weren't. Maybe I will, I don't know. I guess it's something until I can go to the dr. Oh and my blow dryer broke this morning just in time for Christmas. I wanted to cry, it just seems like everything has been going wrong these past few months. Tony doesn't get paid holiday leave so we're missing out on two full work days in the next two weeks. He couldn't even go to work if he wanted cause they're closed, so he's going to try to put in some more overtime, but he's not sure they'll let him cause he already works a good 10 hours overtime a week. I just hate being broke. I keep telling myself it'll be better. When I'm done with school I can start working and it'll be better, right? I don't want to be poor forever, I hate living where we do. I see it everyday, all the people around us, just rotting. Not trying to do better for themselves and their children, letting their kids run around and vandalize property at all hours of the night, preteens out on the balconies smoking cigarettes or who knows what else, toddlers in diapers running around in the parking lot. It just pisses me off to even look at these people let alone live next door to them. Both of our cars have recieved all kinds of dents and scratches on them since we moved here, we've had our Christmas wreath stolen from our front door, pumpkins smashed, ect. I just don't get people. Oh well, karma right? Speaking of, I still haven't heard anything from the police officer about my stolen wallet and everytime I try and call he's not in. So I've given up, not much I can do about it now but move on and hope someone doesn't screw us over even more than we already are.