Christmas is over! I really don't hate Christmas, I just hate what everyone does to Christmas, I love the holiday. One of these years I'm just going to tell everyone to screw off and do my own thing with MY family. I'm just so over trying to please everyone and running around and getting the kids cranky and off schedule. We got a wonderful present on Christmas night.....a bug or food poisoning. Me and Tony were up all night throwing up. I felt better the 26th but Tony said he was throwing up all day. So then Cianna comes down with the runs. On the 27th and yesterday she had accidents in her bed when she woke up in the morning and after her naps. It was the most nasty thing I've ever seen/smelled 4 times over! So I've been washing her sheets and blankets instead of catching up on the masses of laundry I have piled in the hallway. We managed to get all the boxes and packaging thrown away as of yesterday but now we need to somehow get the house back in order, which feels impossible and we don't even have all the toys at our house yet! We left some at the ILs cause the couldn't fit in the van. I'm really excited for one of the toys we left there though. The girls got this bouncing zebra thing, they love it But I really can't wait until the house is back in order. I was hoping to get ahead on school stuff but I've been busy non stop since last Monday but it's not looking likely seeing as it's Friday and school starts back up next week. I still want to get the house back together before it starts which feels impossible cause Tony's going to be gone tomorrow. But anyways, going to ask my mom or MIL if they want to watch Cianna at least. I spent most of my Christmas money on groceries last night at least we're going to have some really yummy food the next week We had steak last night and we're having pork chops tonight and roast sometime this week, I'm really excited I still want to go get a pair of jeans hopefully but I'm not sure the money will last, not to mention I need to get a present for a friend's baby's 1st birthday. I can't wait to get the financial aid money, we just need so much stuff! Our computer is not doing so great which isn't good since I go to school online so I'm hoping to get a laptop and my eyes checked and some glasses when we get the money. Not to mention we need more printing paper and just a long list of other things we need. Tax returns I found out we aren't even going to have basically. Tony wants to pay off our loan with the money. Well it won't be paid off but at least it'll be closer. And I know that's the smart thing to do but it sucks! I can't help but feel a little resentment towards Tony with it. It's still his loan from before we met from his spending sprees he went on for stuff, most of which his ex took and then he added on to it to get his truck, which is over 10 years old and I didn't want him to buy in the first place Oh and he wants to spend more money on it now, to put a new engine in I wish I could get it across to him that we HAVE NO MONEY! Uggg! Maybe I should just tell him it's his job to do the bills.....well then they probably wouldn't be paid on time and we'd get stuff shut off
Took long enough! She's been rocking for well over a month and going back and forth between hands and knees and sitting for almost 3 weeks! I'm excited but this means I really have to get my butt in gear about keeping the house, especially the floors, spotless
Amazing how quickly things click for these little ones once they figure something out. Sofia would only crawl when you coaxed her up until yesterday. Now she's going everywhere. Not fast but I'm sure that isn't far off. The day she started crawling she also pulled to standing! She's been pulling up to her knees on things for the past 2-3 weeks but it was the first time she pulled herself up to standing. She's only done it a handful of times since then but that's just fine with me. She crawls kind of funny. Like she's half trying to walk, half crawling. Her right knee isn't on the floor when she's crawling usually, just her left one. But her right leg is more 'walking' Not sure how to explain it. Tony thinks she'll walk early, I'm not too sure about that. Cianna only crawled 2-3 weeks later (in age) than Sofia and she wasn't walking until 14.5 months. I guess we'll see, but I'm really not expecting her to be walking until May/June.
School started back up. I really wish I would've done a little more during break to get myself ahead. I guess it's better I didn't cause with most of my courses I won't have a break to get ahead. But it would've been nice. Especially since Tony is just about refusing to help. His version of watching the girls so I can do homework yesterday was laying on the couch half asleep watching football while the girls ran/crawled around the house. The house was TRASHED when I went out there to check on them and then he decided he wanted to go to his friends house for 2 hours cause the girls were being too loud for him So I ended up working on and off on school work until 10am-8pm, fun. The excitement of school is wearing off fast this way. I just can't do my school work and take care of the kids at the same time. I need to concentrate and can't do that with them needing me. At this point I really want to just strangle my husband. He complains all day/night about how hard he works. And I know he does. But he doesn't give me a shread of appreciation for everything I do, going to school, cooking our meals almost 100% of the time now, keeping up with the house and laundry and taking care of the girls. It's a job that takes up my entire day. From the moment I wake up to the moment I lay down to sleep, not to mention all night when the baby wakes and needs something. I don't get sick days or vacations or even just a weekend. I love how on the weekends his excuse for not helping is 'it's his day off', oh really, when is my day off? I haven't had a day off in over a year. Before Sofia was born occasionally I'd get a few hours here and there off, but now, nothing. I haven't been without at least one child 24/7 for over 8 months. I love my kids more than anything but you know even just a few hours for ME once a MONTH would be nice. I keep trying to talk to Tony about it but he just doesn't get it. It's ironic really, his grandma is a marriage counselor; but he won't even agree to go to one.
Anyways, I truly am crazy but I have goals in my life and I've been thinking about what I'm going to do after I get my associates degree next year. Back when Cianna was a baby I developed an interest in medical sonography, but since then I've gone back and forth between that and nursing. The tech college has a waiting list for both programs and I've just been so torn between them. On one hand I could become a nurse. Not what I ultimately want to be but I think I'd enjoy it. The big bonus about becoming a nurse is that eventually I could have the option of becoming a nurse midwife. Which is my dream job. Then there's medical sonography, it's something medical and it's working with people both things I really am interested in and want in a job. I think I'd really enjoy it. Big bonus, no long hours. Nurses usually work 12 hour shifts. I'd be away for either the whole day or the whole night and want to sleep most of the day. I'm just really starting to lean towards medical sonography. So I'm pretty sure I'll be getting on the waiting list for that in the fall. I mean if eventually I decide to go into nursing I can always go back to school. And then I'll be a nurse with the ability to do ultrasound so I doubt I would have a problem getting a job. I do have to remember to call today to find out how long the waiting list is for the program though, I don't graduate out of my current degree program until Aug/Sept 2008 and I don't want to start another one before that I don't think I'll have a problem though, I think the waiting list is at least 2 years long. I know for nursing it was about 3 if I remember right. I wouldn't mind starting in Aug/Sept 2009, then I'd have a year to start working and saving up some money. Plus Cianna starts kindergarten (OMG ) in the fall of 2009. Lots to think about.
I don't think I bragged about my grades yet Anyways, I'm in two courses right now (9 weeks long, then two more 9 weeks long, ect is how it works) One is IT105- Skills for Learning in an Information Age and one is COM120- Effective Persuasive Writting. In my IT course week 1 was a possible 130 points (Total for the course 1000), well I got 130/130!! Can we say GO ME! I got 68.3 out of 70 points in my other course. Still VERY good I'm a little peeved because the 1.7 points deducted were participation ones and I didn't realize exactly what we needed to do for participation and it was only the first week but oh well I guess. Now I know. I really hope I continue to do this good. I mean, I'm sure I will. I'm a little worried about the COM course. I already have the rough draft of our final essay due at the end of the month. I have only just started researching. I think I'll do fine though, just a little nervous. I'm doing good this week though. I'm actually done with almost all of my assignments. I just have to do one more participation day (you are required to participate in board discussions with at least 2 replies 3 different day of the week) and one more assignment before Sunday night I'm really starting to like online schooling and I'm actually a little dissapointed I am going to have to go to the tech school for my medical sonography
Anyways, did a big clean on the house today, still not totally finished. I hope I can finish before the house turns into a wreck though. I finally went and bough a big tuperware bin for Cianna's toys in her playroom. BEST idea ever! Tomorrow we have a playdate so I better get to bed
It's amazing how much changes in a year, a year ago I was 5 months pregnant and watching my best friend give birth. It was an amazing experience watching someone else give birth, I hope to be able to experience it again in my lifetime. And today, while we're still on speaking terms, she is by no means a best friend anymore. There was a time we talked at least once a day, now we talk maybe once a week, sometimes once a month. She's just gone downhill so much, I know it sounds horrible but I don't want her to drag me down with her, so I'm letting her fall. I've tried all I can to help her back up and she doesn't want help, she won't accept it. So, I no longer have a best friend. I've tried but she was my best friend for over a decade so it's a little hard to relate to anyone quite like I related to her. So I'm kind of mourning the loss of that friendship still, especially today cause I am going to her daughter's birthday party and it'll be the first time I've seen her in over a month (mind you we live in the same apartment complex). My birthday is tomorrow too, when she called me the other day for a ride (did I mention the only time she does call me is when she needs something from me?) she told me she wants to bring me 'out' for my birthday. I have no desire to go to the kind of bars/clubs she goes to, no desire at all. I'm not quite sure how to tell her nicely
Onto nicer subjects, Sofia is so mobile now! She's crawling like a pro and pulling up and she can even get herself down to a sitting again without falling from when she's standing. She's not doing it often yet but I'm sure that will also come far too quickly.
Oh and I get my financial aid money within the next few days! I picked out the laptop I'm getting, very excited about that. This computer is definately not going to cut it much longer. And then I get to get new glasses which I also desperately need! Plus new spring/summer clothes for Cianna. And then to top off it all, I'm going to get a new digital camera!! I can't wait
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday dear meeeee
Happy Birthday to me!
And to top it off, we're going out to eat with my mom tonight at Los Banditos!! Yummy!
Oh and I forgot to mention, Monday I went to the mall looking for an outfit for Sofia's 9mo pictures. Didn't end up finding one but as we were leaving I stopped outside of Picture People (they are right by the mall exit) to put on all of our coats and grabbed a brochure from PP cause I was curious about their prices. Well the lady came running out after me and said I could come in right then for pictures if I had time and I'd get a free 10x13. How could I say no? Well obviously that's how they make their money cause I must say PP is more expensive for a reason, the pictures turn out so good! I went in promising myself I'd just get the 10x13 one of the girls and came out with a 10x13 and wallets of the girls and an 8x10 of Cianna Spent $30 more than I had planned on. But they are so good, I'll stick with Target for Sofia's 9mo pictures but I'm definately getting some of her 1yr pictures done at PP.
Here's the pictures, keep in mind I didn't plan on getting their pictures done that day so they aren't coordinated or dressed up
The 8x10 I got of Cianna
The 10x13 and wallets I got of the girls
Another of the girls
I really liked this one too
Today is a great birthday My little Miss Sofia said mama today. 2 years to the day after her sister did (Cianna said mama first, Sofia said dada first)
It seems like just when you think people are changing you find out they aren't. Can people really change? Some people say they can, personally, I've never seen a person change. Maybe for a few days, weeks or even months, but it never lasts. My husband, my dad, my mom, my friends. Or maybe it's me with the problem, I mean really, are all the people around me that messed up? Maybe it's me. Sometimes I don't know what to think.
On another note, my mom is starting to piss me off again (not really related to the above vent, at least not at this point in time). She brought me out for my birthday and proceeded to tell me how 'wrong' it was that I'm STILL breastfeeding Cianna She suggested I just pump and feed her with a bottle (not that she'll take one...her response to that was 'she'll get hungry eventually' ) I exclusively pumped for 12 months with Cianna and the only thing that kept me going was knowing what I was doing for her and that she wouldn't take the breast. I absolutely despise pumping since then, my mom knows this. She just doesn't get it. She always lay the guilt trip 'Do you think I'm a bad mom cause you were formula fed?' You know I will say I do hope my girls breastfeed, but if they don't I will not call them out on it or call their parenting choices 'wrong'. The word wrong last night just really struck a nerve, like I'm sexually abusing her or something or that it's gross. I love breastfeeding, it's the most calming, bonding and rewarding thing I've done. I love every minute. Of course she goes on to say 'well at least it's only three more months, I better never see you with that baby attached to your tit after that' Can you tell how much of a nurturing loving mom she was. I of course told her 'you won't' cause I'm doubting Sofia will be nursing much during the day at that point. I do fully plan on letting her go up to 18months-2. Right now 2 seems a little old for my personal liking but you know, a year ago I would have said 12months was my limit, now I can't imagine cutting her off just cause she turns a year. I get the same thing about cosleeping from her too of course. I am trying to get her out of our bed at least into the pack and play in our room, but I'm not in a huge hurry cause I do love cosleeping. Oh and another thing that she said that was just totally rediculous on her rant about me breastfeeding 'Mandi you HAVE to stop that' Or telling me how gross it was or whatever, she just went on and on. Like she has any kind of control over what I do. And then she gets surprised that I talk to and relate to Tony's mom more than her. Tony's mom has never called me out on any of our parenting choices, even ones she doesn't agree with. She will say she doesn't agree with it but she never tells me what to do or that I'm 'wrong'. And on my birthday of all days. Whatever. I'm going to go lay down for a nap cause I was out way too late last night
DD1- July 2004
DD2- April 2006
DS1- December 2009
DS2- August 2011
I wonder when I'm gonna get to page 2?
I should really be doing homework right now but I can't concentrate so I'll do this for a bit. Lately I've been really thinking about our family and what I really feel deep down. I know I would love another baby with all my heart but part of me thinks the only reason I want another is because I want the 'experience' I never got with my girls. A full term pregnancy with a healthy baby and a less fearful birth. I am happy and feel very blessed with the children I have and sometimes I wonder if I should chance it. I've had 2 preemies, who is to say my next will be full term? I do know a lot more about how to possibly keep myself pregnant longer since having Sofia but sometimes it just isn't stoppable. My girls were 'healthy' preemies comparatively with very few problems, why chance it and have an earlier and less 'healthy' preemie. After Sofia's birth I think I cried for 2 weeks. When she was in the NICU I'd go back up to my room and cry and I felt a horrible guilt that she was in the NICU with IVs and being poked for billi and blood sugar tests every few hours rather than in my belly where she belonged. I blamed myself and felt horrible and like less of a woman that I could not carry my babies to term. Do I really want to put myself through that again? I'm not sure I could handle having a baby in the NICU again, it was the most horrible experience, I have tears in my eyes thinking about it. My heart hurt so bad. Then there is the part of me that doesn't want to give up on my dream of 4 children. The dream of a water birth with a full term baby. A quiet birth without an entire NICU team in the room. I almost feel selfish for wanting that, but it's important to me. I think Sofia's NICU experience is the main reason I am so content with waiting for another baby. I know I'm not ready for that again, I'm not sure I ever will be. And with my second premature birth I also gave up the dream that I would surrogate one day. Nobody would want a surrogate with premature labor problems, I'm not even sure a clinic would do a transfer to a surro with premature labor problems. That was something I had really wanted too, mainly after discovering preg.org and seeing how many women who would make such great parents struggle with infertility, I felt that was my calling to make a difference in someone's life. But I guess that wasn't it, so that also took some time for me to get over. I'm not sure I'm over it actually cause occasionally I still think about it until I remember.