Well, it's been awhile since I really posted here. I decided to start journaling on here I guess as a way to vent and to figure things out by working through it by typing stuff out.
First off, my name is Wendy and I'll be 24 in 4 days. I'm married with 3 children ~ Alyssa, 6 on July 21 - Brenden 2 - and Collin who will be a year old in 4 days (born on my birthday!!) We currently live in the Tampa, FL area but are planning on moving back to Illinois soon (something that I will be getting into a lot in here I'm sure).
I titled this Finding Me Again because I feel like over the past 3 years I've really lost me and who I am. It's almost like I've become someone I don't know, if that makes any sense. I was doing fine after I had Alyssa - really I was fine until I became pregnant with Brenden. Here's where I'm going to get into some stuff that's been pretty private - but I really need to get it out and it will also make things make more sense to anyone who reads this (I think).
Alyssa isn't my DH's - well he's on her birth certificate now but....... Ok, when I was 15 I was babysitting for a woman that my mom had worked with. She had a son my age that had apparently always been a problem child. While I was babysitting for them my parents went out of state for their anniversary and I had to stay with them for the week. One day it was storming so bad it was black outside, the boy started playing this really evil sounding music and threw me in this room and locked me in with him (he was really big). Well, he had told me to take my clothes off and I said no and he ended up literally ripping them off of me. He said he wanted to do certain things and I said no then he said he would just have sex with me - he was on top of me and said that if I let him do the other things he wouldn't have sex with me - I was crying and I said just no sex and he said he promised. He started doing some things and the next thing I knew I was screaming in pain and crying - I just kept crying and said you promised and he looked me right in the eye and said "I lied". Afterwards he threw my clothes at me and told me to get dressed and he burned his sheets (apparently to get rid of any proof) he told me that he was in a gang and that I had just been initiated and that if I said a word to anyone about being raped my family would be harmed and I would be killed. I was so scared and I guess I was really being looked out for with the fact that I didn't get pregnant then. I went on a downward spiral after that and at one point even took a bottle full of pills but my best friend saw me and told - my parents were both in the medical profession and they got me home and gave me that syrup that makes you throw up. Luckily it hadn't gotten into my system and it didn't cause any damage.
Well flash forward 2 years, senior year of high school. I was making good grades and on cheerleading and trying to live a normal life. My best friend introduced me to a guy that she knew that liked me - I was reluctant but after hanging around with him for awhile he seemed pretty sweet so I agreed to go out with him. For the first 2 months he was great, but then he started drinking a lot. One night I watched him grab a guy in a truck and pull him through the window, throw him on the ground and beat him half to death. I hopped in a friends truck and told him to get me away fast, but my boyfriend got in his car and followed us all over town until he rearended us. So here I am with this huge guy on the football team and he has a horrible temper and I can't seem to get away - it seemed very familiar and I was scared to death. Well, to make it a bit shorter here - he ended up forcing himself on me and I ended up giving in to him because he was beating me - another rape. This time though 2 weeks later I got a positive pregnancy test. I wasn't even late, but somehow I just knew I was pregnant. When the test came back positive I just bawled and bawled and bawled.
Ok, I'm going to have to pick this up later - baby needs me