We got checked in at the hospital and the nurse came in with that litmus type paper that tells if you're leaking amniotic fluid. She did that and it turned blue and she said yep you def broke so I'm going to go call your dr and you're going to have this baby!! Woohoo I was so excited. Then I started trying to frantically call my mom again and after about 30 mins probably I finally got ahold of her. She answered and said I told you it would be today (my friend was able to get ahold of her before me lol) and she told me she was about 45 mins away. I was soo glad because I really wanted her to be there. She stopped and picked up lyss first though, I guess she thought it would be a long time. After she got there my dr finally showed up and went to check me - he looked at my nurse and said "I thought you said her water had broken" so she told him about the paper and he said it must have been just a small high leak (which explained why I wasn't gushing and gushing). So again I had to have my water broken. I asked her to call my friend and get her to the hospital to watch lyss because I knew it would come on fast and furious after they broke me. Well I guess my friend was thinking it was going to be a long time too because she had laid down for a nap and didn't want to come to the hospital right then lol. So she got there and took lyss to the waiting room and things started kicking into gear. The most comfortable way for me to be was sitting up in the bed so I remember sitting there and I would kinda doze off between contractions and when another one would hit my eyes would jerk open really huge and my mom would just kinda grin at me. After awhile of that they came in and told me I had to lay down because baby's heart was dropping pretty bad. Luckily laying back made it go back to being just fine. I kept making my dr come in and check me because I kept having that urge to push and just knew I had to be 10cm. He kept checking and saying nope just 8 and omg it felt like it was taking forever. Finally he came in and checked and said I was 9.5 and asked me if I was a good pusher and I just kept saying over and over oh yes just please let me push please let me push. So he did - and I pushed and pushed...and pushed......and pushed........and pushed and the dr started cussing because the baby kept "crawling" back up. I remember one of the nurses asking if he wanted to vaccum and he about bit her head off saying no I don't want to go that route yet but they were yelling at me to push with everything I had because of baby's HR and all. But I had been pushing and pushing with everything I had and it wasn't happening - then I remember them putting the oxygen mask on me and after awhile finally he was out with no vac, no tearing, no cutting or stitching!! He let out a cry and I started crying then. He was born at 6:27 pm weighing 8lbs 2.6oz and 20 inches long! He seemed perfect to me and I was so happy. Now they had to watch me close because of all of my infections and stuff they had to watch for signs of me becoming septic. Anyway I was so happy and I thought my little guy was perfect - my mom had to go but made sure to tell me twice "He'll be ok" with this look on her face that made me wonder what it was about but I figured it was just saying that the long months of pre term and kidney probs and extreme pain were all over and after all we had went through he was ok....
Brenden was taken to the nursery for all the newborn testing and I was taken to my new room and got settled in. I kept waiting and waiting for them to bring my little boy in to me and asked about it a few times and finally the nurse came in and told me that one of the nurses from the nursery was going to have to come in and talk to me and my heart just sank. My bf was trying to keep my calm and kept telling me we didn't know that anything was wrong just to wait until she came to talk to us - but I just knew something was wrong, the same thing happened after lyss was born..they came in during the middle of the night and told me they needed to keep her in the nursery because she was having some problems with gurggling up a mucousy substance and they had to keep suctioning her. So when they said the nursery nurse had to come talk to us I knew something wasn't right.
After what seemed like an eternity the nurse came in and said that they just had a minor concern because he was breathing super fast and that every now and then it would become normal but only for a min and then it would race again. So she said they needed to keep him in the nursery for monitoring for that and to not worry that it wasn't a big deal and if it got better in a couple hours she would bring him in to us. Well I didn't care that she said not to worry I still was and I called my mom freaking out. The next morning my ob and ped talked and decided that it was probably just a withdrawl reaction from the meds I had to take during preg. and that he could be in my room but he needed to have a pulseox on his foot at all times. I was so thrilled that he got to come be in the room with us!
While he was in my room he would never wake up, which I didn't think anything about because I knew that newborns slept a lot. I was wanting to breastfeed him but he wouldn't wake up for me so the nurses came in to try to help me get him stimulated but even they couldn't do it! So they came in with the packs of sugarwater bottles and told me to put some of it on his lips and he would lick it and like it and get interested in eating. So we tried that and STILL he wouldn't eat. I thought it was kind of odd but still didn't think too much about it just still thinking that he was just in that sleepy state. A little while later we started noticing this really strange goop coming out of the corners of his eyes - and again I thought that was odd but didn't think there was anything bad about eyegoop, I mean I knew he didn't have pink eye or anything.
That afternoon the nurses came in to take him for his vitals and said they would be back with him when they were done. Well, I just had this odd feeling that I couldn't place my finger on but I made sure to give him a really good cuddle and kiss before they took him. I was going to have surgery that afternoon to get the stent out of my kidney and I wanted to make sure to hug and kiss him incase I was gone when they were done. It was a good thing I did too!! I had my surgery and when I got back to my room the nurse came in and told me they were going to keep him for a bit again because of his breathing - then she told me that she didn't want to scare me but wanted to talk to me to "prepare me". At that moment my heart sank again. She told me that she had been a NICU nurse for a long time and that she didn't think he was going through any kind of "withdrawl" that with his heart rate and the fact that nobody could get him to eat or even be stimulated and that strange goop in his eyes made her think that he was really sick. I started shaking then and was trying to hold back tears and man did I feel like throwing up after she told me that. Then she said that nothing was certain yet and not to panic but to just prepare myself - they had started to run tests and they would come talk to me as soon as they knew something.
The time just dragged on and on and on. While I was waiting for some news my mom showed up to visit us. I wasn't crying but she could tell something wasn't right so I told her what was going on. After she had been there for maybe 15 mins this man came walking in and told me he was the head dr for the NICU and that all he did was the NICU patients. My eyes stared tearing up then and I felt like I was going to throw up again. I knew that this dr that specialized in dealing with babies that were sick wouldn't come to see me unless something was wrong. He told me that all the results had come back and that my baby was very very sick and was going to have to stay in the NICU - that's when I started outright bawling. After he left the nurse came back in and hugged me and told me she just knew what it was and that's why she wanted me to prepare myself. I was more scared than I had ever been in my life at that point. Then to top it off - I had been alone in the room and now all of the sudden they had to put another girl in the other bed..a girl that had a very healthy baby and got to keep him with her all the time. That was very hard for me to deal with at that point so my mom asked if I could get moved to a private room while dealing with this but they didn't have any open.
After being so upset I couldn't get to sleep that night so they gave me something to help me get some rest. A couple hours after I finally got to sleep I woke up feeling very sick and could tell I had a fever so I told my bf to go get the nurse. What everyone had been afraid of was happening and I was starting to become septic. They had to start me on iv meds right away and to make that even better of course you can't go in the NICU if you are sick or running a fever so I couldn't see my little guy AT ALL!! Man I couldn't stop crying then and I took out a sleeper that I had gotten to put on him for a bit and I put it on my pillow right by my head - it already smelled like him and I needed that little bit of comfort.
Man I really need to finish getting this background out - when I first started this journal just a few weeks ago I was going through a rough time (had been for awhile) and was wanting to vent and work through stuff but since I've started it I've gotten quite some good news and am just so unbelievably happy. It's been a long time since I've been this happy.
Ok, so my baby Brenden was in the NICU and I was sick. They came in the next morning and told me that his bloodwork was really bad and that they needed to check him for menengitis which scared the crap out of me. Also I now had quite the horrible infection and still had a bad fever. They kept running a lot of tests on him that day and of course I couldn't see him but bf was able to and I told him it was fine to leave me and go be with him - I wanted him to be there with him. Oh he came in from the NICU this one time and handed me some polaroids the nurses had taken of Brenden in there....WAS NOT what I needed at the time. I mean I know they were trying to be nice to give me pictures since I couldn't come in and see him and couldn't even try to see him through the window because I was stuck sick in my room - but being handed those pictures and seeing my baby with all those iv's and tubes everywhere and the tube going down his nose to feed him..I was just not prepared for that and it made me cry even harder.
The next morning my fever went down some so they let me out to walk over towards the nicu and look in the window. They were on the other side of the room so I couldn't see Brenden up close but I saw bf sitting there and they had moved Brenden into one of the big beds under the light because he had gotten quite the case of jaundice. And of course I started crying even harder then because seeing in there I wanted to just be able to go in there and be by my baby. Finally that night my fever broke and I could go in and be with him! I tried really hard not to cry but of course that didn't work. The nurse was standing there trying to explain what everything was and she just stopped and gave me a hug and told me everything would be ok and that it was ok to cry. All the nurses in there were so sweet. I stayed in there that whole night. We still couldn't hold him but I just sat by him and would stroke him and tell him that we were there and loved him so much. His eyes were covered with the little mask and I remember we were in there when it was time for his few minutes of having the mask off and I started crying because his head was turned towards bf and there wasn't room for me over there - bf started telling me how he was going to be ok and I was like no that's not why I'm crying this time, this time it's because you've been getting to be in here with him the whole time and see him and I just now get in here and you're still getting to see his eyes and I can't. So of course he moved and let me be able to see his eyes Then there were all the times they came in and poked his heel for bloodwork - I know a lot of moms don't like to be there for that sort of thing because they can't stand to hear their baby crying in pain like that, but I always wanted to be there...for some reason I've just always felt that maybe me being there talking to him gave him some sort of comfort, I dunno. And the poor baby kept either having his iv's fall out, or he would pull them out, or they would lose his veins so he had to be poked so many times The worst for me was when he had to have an iv in his scalp because they had used all the other sites. Well they had told us he was going to be in there for atleast 2 weeks. They kept saying how bad his bloodwork looked and he was getting a lot of antibiotics. They couldn't find any menengitis, or any problems with the brain or any of the other really bad things and finally decided that with all the kidney infections and problems I was having through pregnancy, well it was obvious the antibiotics they were giving me wasn't taking care of them because I had a constant infection and they ended up saying that it apparently got so bad that it crossed the placenta and made him sick Something about he was ok while he was getting his life support from me, but when he was born and had to start on his own all of it being in his system made him so sick.
Well, after a few more days my latest infection was gone and my fever completley gone and they said I could go home - I didn't want to. I sat in my room and cried my eyes out about having to leave that hospital without my baby. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. When we had to walk past the nursery when we left I about broke down and bf held me tight. The time then became a little more difficult because I was trying to make sure I spent enough time at home with Alyssa and enough time at the hospital with him and I made sure to be there every 3 hours for feeding and the hospital was about a 30ish minute drive one way from my parents. After the first week the jaundice was gone and they were able to move him to one of the "regular" cribs and that made me so happy. I was finally able to start being able to bathe him and change him and such more often and I loved it. After about a week and a half he was able to get the feeding tube out and I could start really feeding him!! Everything seemed like such a big important step! Finally on a Friday they told us he would be able to come home the next day - I was so thrilled! So Saturday we got the bag all together and got the carseat all set up and brought everything with us up to the nursery only to be told that he wouldn't be coming home that day, the dr's wanted him to have a few more days of iv's....I was so disheartened and upset. But he was set to come home that Tuesday. That Monday night we got our own private room to spend the night there and he could sleep in there with us! Actually, they gave it to me as "an option" -- they said they require it of the parents that are first timers incase they have any problems or questions but that since I already had a child I wasn't required to stay the night and could just come in the day of his discharge. WHAT?!?!? My parents of course could keep Alyssa for the night since we were staying there anyway so I told them you bet your butt I want to stay the night and have my baby with me. So they got us all set up and brought us in and he still had all the monitors on, they would occassionally go off and made bf so jumpy lol. Well everything was great and the next day he was able to come home!! That was one of my happiest days.
I was finally done with the blasted horrible pregnancy and had both my babies!! Now came the dreaded time to try to figure out what we were going to do (he had lost the job he had gotten with the place his cousin was working at because everyone thought I would be induced that first time and he would be back in a few days and it turned into being a month). Here is where the story of me losing myself really starts......
Well for a couple weeks I was still staying with my parents and he was still staying with my bestfriend. He came over everyday and stayed until about midnight. He kept Brenden with him a lot and I got to spend a lot of time with lyss which I hadn't been able to do in a long time. My friend wrote some note to him telling him that she needed him to leave, because she was living in this subsidized housing and it was time for them to re-evaluate her and she could get in trouble. When he talked about us finally making the final move down to Florida he could tell how sad it made me and knew I didn't really want to go and we tried to figure out a way to maybe go up a little further up north in IL and make it work. He had an aunt that lives near Joliet and he called to see if he could stay with her while he got lined up with a job and a place to live, but she lives in a well not really sure what it is exactly - it's a neighborhood of really nice houses that they call condo's (didn't seem like condos to me) and when you buy your house you have to sign agreeing to rules and one is that you can't have visitors for longer than 2 weeks. She offered to let him stay there for the full 2 weeks, but we knew it wouldn't be possible for him to get a job and the money to get into a place for 2 weeks. So it looked like the only option was Florida as his dad is here and has an apartment behind his house we were told we could stay in. I still wasn't settled on the idea but we were supposed to go down for his brother's wedding so I told my parents we were all going down there for that but would be back in a couple weeks for Mother's day and would take it from there.
So we got to Florida and we thought we were going to be staying in the apartment but while we were dealing with the birth and NICU - bf's cousin and his wife lost their house and he let them stay there instead!!! But oh lucky us he brought out his tiny little RV. It wasn't nasty or anything, it was modern - but there were 4 of us and this thing was so small, it had one tiny bedroom and he didn't have the electric hooked up so we had the 4 of us stuck in this tiny uncooled place in the Florida heat ~ lovely. But I was ok enough with it because he told us that Mike and Toni had to be out of the apartment in 2 weeks and we would be in. So we were there for a little over a week, had made the wedding, and were about oh 4 days I think from travelling back to IL for a special mothers day thing my parents had set up for lyss ----- we're laying there in the RV sweating in the heat this one night, hrm we had actually gotten to sleep and I was woken up by my bf (should just start calling him Robb from here on out lol) literally jumping up from sleep and throwing on his shorts and running out the door. I yelled out asking him what he was doing and then noticed I was hearing a car alarm going off. He was gone for about 10 mins probably and he came running back and said "they got the car". My first thought was someone had stolen it, even though I knew the payments were behind and I asked who and he said they came to repo it ~ just frickin great. With everything we had been through we couldn't keep up the payment and they wouldn't give us a break. I still had my car, but it was up in IL. Actually, he had gotten that car only a week before the blowup between me and my dad that ended with me out of the house. It wouldn't have been any kind of a struggle at all but then we had to get into an apartment and all - we were still making the payment but it was a struggle and with all the stuff that had hit us we couldn't do it for a couple of months. So lyss was talking to my mom on the phone one night and she had said something about something being wrong with the car, I guess since it was gone she thought it was getting fixed. I was thinking of just how to put it to them when I called them back that yet another wonderful thing had happened and yes their daughter's life was getting more and more screwed. Before I could even do that Robb's father took it upon himself to call my parents and tell them what had happened I was so mad about that. Well my parents bought bus tickets for me and lyss. They drove from IL down to our relatives house in Alabama and I had to take a bus from Tampa Fl to Alabama with lyss and a almost 2 month old Brenden - that was not fun let me tell ya. Having to get on and off those busses I was having to keep lyss by me, carry B in the carseat, and carry our huge bag full of clothes and diapers etc, and a portable bassinet UGH.
So we started making our way back to IL. We had stopped at a restaurant and I was so sick I couldn't breathe. I mean I was very obviously having to breathe through my mouth and had hardly no voice. Well, we're sitting in this restaurant and my dad starts chastising me about being a horrible mother because apparently my mom had told him she could smell Brenden's diaper. I mean I couldn't smell anything at all! And they knew this, they could have just said hey I think he needs his diaper changed and I would have done it right away, but instead I get yelled at about being a horrible mother that's so lazy she won't even change her son's diaper. That was the beginning of what was to be constant ~ no matter what you have forever ruined the lives of your children and yourself. Now until all this stuff we had always been pretty close and they never really wanted me to leave them so far, but it mainly centered around how close they were with lyss. I was told I was being selfish not thinking about what it would do to her to move but what in the heck was I supposed to do --- they had already said I couldn't stay there, that we were his responsibility now and we tried everything, I even asked my uncle if we could stay with him for a month but he said he didn't have the room. So what good was it going to do for my children to be homeless when we knew we had a place and he was supposed to have that good job ready to go to again now. I was just miserable, I didn't want to have to move so far but I didn't see that I had any other choice. ~ So so miserable
So I could tell it was not going to be fun being with my parents for that time. It seemed like everything I did was wrong and that I was destroying my kids lives (yeah that really made me want to stick around). I would call Robb down in Florida and gripe and cry about it to him and he kept telling me I would be there soon, he would get money to me to get everything together and make the final move down there as quickly as he could. While we had been up there for that 2 or so weeks Alyssa played a lot with Toni and Mike's daughter (Robb's cousin and his wife) and they told us that her birthday was going to be soon and it was at Chuckie Cheese's. So lyss started talking about it and how she was really wanting to go to it and that she wanted to see Autumn (the girl). She was talking about it a lot in front of my parents this one day ~ the next day my parents went out somewhere and I decided to go and take care of an errand I needed to run and what did I find when I went out to my car....my tires were flat all of the sudden I just knew that my dad had flattened them so that I couldn't take off on them (oh and keep in mind that I was 21 almost 22 at this point so it's not like I was some kid trying to run away from home or anything). I went back inside and called up Robb and told him about it, I was so freakin mad. So my parents get back and my dad had noticed the car had been moved some (I started to pull out of the driveway before I noticed the tires) and he comes in and I wasn't going to say a word about it just to see if he maybe really didn't know about it. So he comes in and right away starts giving me crap about how he couldn't believe I drove the car on flat tires. Well then I figured it must have been him. I can't remember what I said exactly but it had something to do with how did he know they were flat and he said he had noticed that morning when they went out. I just didn't know, I mean to just go by them you couldn't really notice - I mean it wasn't sticking out bad enough for me to notice. He was telling me it was because the car had been sitting there for so long. That didn't make sense to me because my car had sat there in that same spot without being driven for longer periods than that before. I still don't know what to think about that one. So anyway Robb called me back and his dad gets on the phone talking about how he wants to get me away from that and down there with them and that he is going to pay to get new tires and a tune up and such on my car so that I can leave. I was like ok fine and he gave me some giftcard number ~ I drove all the way out to the place and they said they couldn't do it by the number they had to have the actual card. So 2 days later I think it was him and Robb came up here to get me and take care of my car. What a freakin mess that was!!! My parents were gone eating breakfast (they knew that we were going to be leaving that day so they took lyss out for breakfast) and while I'm waiting for Robb to show up the phone rings and it's Robb ~ he tells me they're at the police station because his dad wanted to go there first and "alert" them that they were coming to a "hostile" situation and they might want to patrol around incase my dad threatened them So then I'm freaking out thinking ok this is going to go over realllly well. My parents called to tell me they were on their way back and I let them know what was going on and they freaked and started yelling and my dad started yelling things about he was going to flatten my tires and once we left he was going to call the cops and report the car as stolen so that I would get pulled over and get in trouble because I had canceled my insurance to get new in FL. So then of course I started bawling. I was in the middle of this stupid crappy situation. My parents get home, then Robb and his dad show up and my dad stood far away but was yelling at them. He was yelling all kinds of awful stuff at Robb. Then the cops showed up and got in the middle of the situation. They came in to talk to me alone and asked if my dad had really said the things about what he was going to do to me and my car and I said yes so he told me ya know you're 21 they can't make you stay and since the car's titled in your name they can't report it stolen. Cop goes back outside and tells my dad he can't do anything to me and for them to just get all the crap loaded up quick and get out of there. I was still crying, Robb and his dad were loading up the truck, my dad was standing outside looking like he was going to kill someone, and my mom kept going inside and back out and was crying. I was so sad and miserable and wishing I was in a nightmare I could wake up from. My things all got loaded up and my dad hugged lyss and told her to have a good life and he wouldn't forget her even though she would him ~ so that confused her and got her kind of upset and I started crying even harder. It was like there was no right decision for me to be able to make. I didn't have a good option to choose. It was like a lesser of two evils thing, stay around and have my children be homeless or go to where there was a home and job waiting but having to be so far away and leave my family and take lyss away from them. No matter what I did I just felt horrible. We pulled out of the driveway, hit the interstate, and while lyss was happy to be going to see her friend I was still miserable and started crying even harder again on the interstate when I knew that this change was done and there was no looking back.....
So we drove all day and night and got to Florida the next afternoon. When we were back at his dad's house he told us that he still hadn't told Mike and Toni they had to leave so we were going to have to stay in the blasted RV again. I was oh-so-thrilled about that. Well, once we were settled in (so to speak) the guy with the great job for Robb came by and told us that the job was off once again as he had all of the sudden decided he was tired of what he was doing and was closing down his company to become a fishing guide So here we were with our kids, living in an RV in his dad's yard, and no income coming in. I had to go and get us signed up at Children's and Families and he went around to temp services and to sign up for things through the VA. I think it took about 2 weeks and then he finally got a good job through a temp service. During the time he was looking for work his dad had finally told Mike and Toni they absolutley had to find another place to live and they finally did so the night before Robb started his new job we were able to move into the apartment behind his dad's house. It felt so great to finally be in there, even though it certainly wasn't anything special - it still was only a one bedroom apartment so we set up the bedroom for lyss and in the living room the couch was a pull out so we put Brenden's crib in there and we slept on the hidabed. It still was so much better than the RV.
After a few weeks, Robb was making decent money and we finally got our tax return back so things were seeming pretty set for us. Alyssa liked to go up in the main house a lot so we spent quite a bit of time up there with his dad. My feelings about him were kinda mixed, he did (does) a lot of things that I don't (smokes a ton, drinks all throught the day everyday, and gets high several times throughout the day) but he did help us out when we needed it and lyss and I were used to having my family around to go see all the time so he became the person to see throughout the day.
That July 3 we had a gathering to celebrate my birthday. Oh my kidneys had started to hurt again and I had been seeing a urologist again. I was having infections again and had been on antibiotics and pain meds a lot and was set to have surgery the last week of July. Well, I had planned on making a trip up to Illinois with the kids to visit my parents sometime coming up so now I was unsure of what I was going to do. Oh guess I'll mention here that when he was supposed to have that great job with that guy he was supposed to be making such great money and it had been said that once a month or 6 weeks maybe I would be able to go up to see my parents to try to make the transisition a little easier on everyone ~ but of course when the guy shut down his company that went out but lyss and my parents were expecting a visit so I was trying to set something up to drive up there. So, I called up my mom and told her I didn't know what was going to be up with the trip because I was scheduled for the surgery so it was going to be put off for awhile. She was wondering what I was going to do with lyss if something happened to where I had to stay in the hospital and she didn't want lyss to be all upset if that happened and she was in a place that she wasn't all that used to and her mommy was in the hospital so my mom set up plans to fly into Tampa on July 21, lyss' birthday. That day came and we had a little party for lyss and then I loaded up the kids and went to meet my mom at her hotel to spend the night. The next day I drove them to the airport and cried as I watched them walk down the terminal. It was the first time my baby girl was going to be so far away from me. My mom looked at me and told me now I knew how she felt. I drove back to the apartment and setteled myself into the fact that it was ok and that it could be a little nice because now I would have a little more free time as Brenden was a very easy baby that was content to just play in his sacuer or wherever so when I was hurting really bad he would be fine to play while I laid on the couch watching tv.
Well my surgery date came and it wasn't even that big of a deal ~ I was home the same day, so all the stuff my mom was worried about was for nothing, although I know where she was coming from. Around this time we had set something up for me to work from home. His brother Rick's wife is a legal assistant (sec) for her lawyer mom ~ well, Alli (brother's wife) had said that I could take some case files and work on them from home and they would pay me because sometimes she had too much work to do. Since they knew I was good in school and all the stuff I would need to do the job and good with computers and such they said I could do it. So, we went out and bought me a laptop to do my work on. While we were buying it Robb was like can we please please buy you a copy of Everquest so you can play with me I told him he knew it wasn't my thing but he kept begging so he got a copy and installed it that same night that I got the laptop. Now the history on that goes way back to about 9 months into our relationship when we first started having problems. That was one of the things my dad didn't like. Robb was always on the computer playing Everquest. After the incident with the wreck he was in and it ended up where he couldn't go to school that semester, he was living in a little cabin on a lake that belonged to his mom and step-dad ~ well he ended up getting a job at Sams during that time but it wasn't long before he got fired because he could never wake up and go to work after he stayed up playing on the computer all night. That was during the time that I almost broke up with him. To this day if that ever comes up he will still argue about why he lost his job there. He has always said it was just because he worked night shift and he couldn't handle nights. Well I had come by several times to see him before time for him to go to work and he would be sleeping and I could not get him to wake up and when I would call him earlier the phone line was always busy because he was on the game. That was another thing that hurt our relationship at the time was that it wasn't easy for me to get out to that stupid cabin to see him much and when he started playing that I could never talk to him on the phone anymore because it was always hooked up to the internet ~ so I couldn't hardly see him and couldn't talk to him when we couldn't see each other. He tried to get me to play with him all through that but I wouldn't because computer games were never my thing and I had too much going on in my real life to have time for that crud. Ok so I get this laptop and he gets a copy of the game and puts it on there for me to play with him and I was just like ok fine whatever. Well during this time was when I found out how unreliable Rick and Allie are. She kept telling me she was going to bring over a file and show me how they did things so I could get to work. She would never show up and only sometimes would she call to say she wasn't going to come over. Finally I got a file from her and she showed me some stuff and I worked on it at home. I kept calling her to tell her I had the work on it done, but she would never get it. Finally she came by one morning because she had to have the file back in the office that day ~ I was told I did a great job, but I never heard anything else. They're just that way. So no extra money coming in from me. So Robb started showing me how to play the game so I could play it with him in spare time since I had no real family around, no friends, couldn't work because all of my money would go to childcare, and my health still wasn't that great so I couldn't get out and do a whole lot. It wasn't really a big deal, it wasn't as bad as I thought and it could be fun. Thing was I had to try to cathc up with him cause he was already so high in level.
Ok so I had set up a time towards the beginning of Oct. to go up to see my parents and get Alyssa back. She had been there for 2 months and I missed her like crazy. Plus, it was going to be nice to get away because Robb and I had been getting in fights about things like..he had promised that by the end of October we would be out of that tiny apartment away from the alcholic, high father and the clinically diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic that lived with him that would come back to us and start yelling and scaring the kids with his behavior ~ well in Sept. he ended up saying we would just stay there and save up money and move MAYBE in a YEAR he really did not understand the stuff I was having to put up with being there. His dad knew about him and the computer (oh yeah he had started up again with playing from the time he got home until he went to bed and we never did anything as a family, but I was dealing with it fine at the time and would just play myself after Brenden went to sleep for the night) and he would talk about what a bad father he was and that he thought I should just leave him and move back up to my parents (telling me to leave his own son!). So we were fighting sometimes about the whole living situation, and he started having problems with his dad because he would say something one minute and the next say the opposite and he got really pissed because he caught his dad trying to push me into smoking pot even though I kept saying no. I can't remember what it was about now, but the day before I was supopsed to leave to go up to my parents we got in a huge fight and he told me that I should just pack up all my stuff and not come back. We ended up making up and I left for the trip the next morning, but it was so nice just being away from everything. It was so great being back home, my parents were both being great and I didn't have any of the headaches to deal with like I did down there and I felt bad but I even found myself thinking how nice it would be to just stay there and never go back to Florida (oh and yes I of course brought Brenden on this trip with me). I had brought my laptop with me and we would keep in touch by chatting through the game at night because it was cheaper than talking long distance on the cell phone. We were even sometimes getting into arguments while we were just chatting on the game ~ I think it was because he could tell how happy I was and he started giving me a hard time about that I wouldn't come back to him and I didn't love him and it would just escalate from there. When we would talk on the phone we would get in arguments because while I was there my mom's dr found a tumor on her and it was possible it could be cancerous. I wanted to stay until they found something out, and Robb was basically telling me that my mom was a liar and was just making it all up so that I would stay there and not be with him (even though I heard all of the dr news with my own ears) and ofcourse I got super pissed at him saying all of that instead of being concerned and being a shoulder for me to cry on because I was really worried. Well, our anniversary is Oct. 21 and he kept giving me a hard time about was I going to be there to celebrate our anniversary. Of course that was the last thing I wanted to think about at the time, but he wouldn't leave it alone so I told him we would be back on the 19th. The dr. had said he wasn't sure what was going on with my mom (to this day she still gets the tumor like things and she's had several surgeries to remove them over the past almost 2 years but they just keep coming back). So the 18th I was set to leave ~ I packed up all of mine and the kids stuff and was all set to go. My mom and I both cried and I kept thinking how I didn't really want to have to go back to Florida. We headed out and got back on the 19th. I was back and I finally had lyss back with me. I wasn't happy about the way things were, but I had resigned myself to the path that had been chosen, decisions that had to be made, and the way things had to go....
So lyss and I were back and I was trying to get myself totally resigned to the way things were and were going to be. So, our anniversary was going to be on the 21st. I knew of course what he would want as part of the night but I was keeping track of my cycles and had been being very regular ~ I was on the pill but after how rough my pregnancy was with Brenden we didn't want to go back down that road so even with being on the pill we still wouldn't be together during my fertile days. Well you know how you can have 4 or so days before ovulation that you are still considered fertile....the 21st was the day before the earliest there should have been a possibility of fertility so just to be extra safe I said none on our anniversary night and we made it the night of the 19th instead.
About 4 days before AF was due I started noticing that I was really sick to my stomach. I didn't think much about it as I was still having problems with my kidneys and they made me sick a lot. Two nights before AF was due I was feeling really crappy and noticed that when I laid down and closed my eyes the room was spinning. I remember laying there and thinking Oh God please don't let me be pregnant. When I woke up the next morning I just had this feeling that I was. Robb came home at lunch and we were sitting up in his dad's house. When his dad walked in the kitchen I whispered to Robb that I was feeling really sick and was afraid I was pregnant and he just said well you feel sick a lot with your kidneys so it's probably just that and I said no this is a different sick, I don't know how to explain it but it's just different. He went back to work and I packed up the kids and headed over to see Toni. I couldn't get it off my mind so I left the kids with her and went out to get a test. When I got back I went straight to the bathroom without letting her know what was going on ~ I took the test and after about 30 secs I thought I saw a faint line and I ran out to Toni and I was shaking. I told her I took a test and I thought maybe I had seen a faint line and she said Oh no hon you can't be. So we both went back to the bathroom and by now it had been 2 mins maybe and there was no denying it, there was a very dark line. She hugged me and I started crying and all of the sudden my cell rang. It was Robb. He could tell I was crying and asked what was wrong and I just said you know the thing I said I was scared about and he said yeah and I said well I am. He said to try to calm down and we would deal with it however necessary.
That evening we went for a walk and I was crying and I was saying how with the timing that the birthday would be somewhere right around Alyssa's and that if it was so soon before my fertile time there was a good chance it was a girl. I know that by this point he had already been talking about how I might have to have an abortion because of the health issuses, so I was crying talking about those things. After we got home I couldn't help myself and started looking up pregnancy calendars on the internet and was trying not to cry. Robb asked me why I was doing that to myself and that if we knew there was a good chance I couldn't keep the pregnancy why would I want to be looking at calendars ~ but I couldn't help it.
Everything was so messed up for me. I spent a lot of time crying and I was just so confused. I felt awful. Now I can't remember if the following things all happened in this order or not, but these are things I was going through at once in a period of a couple weeks. I had my urologist and nephrologist down here but didn't yet have a general dr so I was scrambling around making phone calls trying to get some help and figure out what to do. There were emotionally greuling days of phone tag where nothing was getting done and I was in total limbo ~ during those days I couldn't help but get some of the excited feelings of being pregnant and even secretly started taking prenatal vitamins that I had left over from Brenden just in case there was hope that I could continue the pregnancy. Finally I was referred to a high risk clinic and an apointment was set. My records were faxed to them from Illinois concerning my previous pregnancy and when I went in they told me how dangerous it could be for me to carry the baby, that it could possibly kill me, and that I should consider abortion. I left there and cried horribly. I had been hoping that they would say hey we specialize in high risk so we can monitor you closely and everything will be fine! I felt like I was living in a nightmare yet again. Somewhere in all of this I broke down one night and told Robb's dad I was pregnant because he could tell I had been crying and he hugged me and said oh sweetie and all of that stuff and then proceeded to tell me how I knew I had to have an abortion. I had his dad, cousins, brother and sil, and doctors telling me that abortion was my best option and that I had to think about the 2 kids I already had and that they needed me and what would they do without me if something were to happen to me. So I kept thinking yes my children need me I have to be around for them. Robb was trying to be supportive to me and sensitive to what I was going through, but he had just accepted that I needed an abortion and it didn't seem to bother him at all and I couldnt believe that - I hated him, I hated the dr.s, I hated everyone telling me I needed to end this pregnancy.
The day after the dr appointment I called the abortion clinic and said I needed to make an apointment. I was crying. The woman on the phone asked me if I was sure and I said it was for medical reasons and the dr's at the high risk clinic thought it was in my best interest. So she set the appointment for 2 days later. I cried all that day and was awake all that night crying. I cried all the next day and felt sicker and sicker the closer to the next day it got. I hadn't talked to my family about any of this because I didn't want them to ever know that I had an abortion, after everything that had happened the past couple years and how I knew they were already starting to think of me I just knew how much worse it would be if I had an abortion. I was still up crying late that night and I couldn't take it anymore, at one in the morning I broke down and called my mom. As soon as she answered she could hear I was crying and asked what was wrong and I just said - it happened again - and she asked who had hurt me and what they had done to me and I said no no nothing like that happened again and then she said Oh my God you're pregnant then aren't you. I told her I was scheduled for an abortion the next morning. I told her what the dr's had said. She told me that if it needed to be done that they wouldn't think any less of me, but said that with my crying and what she could hear in my voice she knew that I didn't feel right about it in my heart. I told her I didn't but I didn't know what else to do because of what the dr's were telling me. So she asked me if I would do her a favor and put the apointment off and let her see if she could get my dr up there that saw me through my last pregnancy to talk to her and tell her what his opinion was. She said if I wanted to go through with it fine, but she didn't want me to do something I would regret for the rest of my life and that I didn't feel right about if it wasn't absolutely necessary. So I agreed and told her I wouldn't go and to call me as soon as she talked to my old dr and to call me right away if he said he couldn't talk to her without my permission. I hoped it wouldn't be a problem as she's a nurse and used to manage a floor in the same hospital and all that stuff.
So the next morning came and I didn't go to my apointment and I waited anxiously by my cell phone all day long for my mom's call praying for good news....
Robb was mad that I told my mom and then decided not to go to the appointment. I could not believe he was so upset about it. It was like he actually wanted me to have an abortion. We got in a fight about it and he said he just didn't like the emotional rollercoaster - the docs had said abortion and he had gotten himself used to the idea and now he didn't want to have any feelings of hope if the final word was still bad news.
Finally around 8 that night my mom called me. When I saw her number on caller id I swallowed hard and felt like I was going to puke - I was so scared she was going to say I guess you do need to go ahead and do it. I answered and she told me that my old dr had talked to her and said that he said it wasn't good for me to be pregnant again and that it would def be a very hard and complicated pregnancy but that if I could be strong and deal with it all then he thought I could go ahead and keep the pregnancy but absolutely no more after this one! I started jumping up and down and had a huge smile on my face. When I got off the phone Robb said so I guess you get to keep it huh? He didn't seem very happy and that kinda made me sad - he said it would take him a bit to get used to the idea that I could carry and also that he was sorry but he didn't know if he could ever really get excited about it because he knew what I was going to go through and what if something did happen and he lost me. He meant what he said - he never did get excited all throughout the pregnancy...when I was pregnant with Brenden he would rub my tummy and kiss it all the time and talk to him in there and it was all so sweet ~ he never did any of that with this pg and it depressed me a lot.
Well we figured I would have problems again and would be in the hospital a lot. I had decided that around February it would probably be best to send lyss back up to stay with my parents. She had never really been with anybody other than me besides my parents. She had went to preschool for a very very brief time and it was awful what we went through with it. And even when she was staying with my parents when I was pg with Brenden it was so hard on her with me in the hospital and not really getting to see me very much. She hadn't really been down here that much yet and wasn't adjusted and I just knew that once I started getting sick and she had to be put in child care and never got to see her mommy and knew that mommy was sick she wouldn't handle it well at all. I knew it would be hard to have her away from me again but I knew it would be best for her and figured it would only be from Feb. to July and wouldn't be too bad. She wasn't really used to Robb as her dad and the way he was with her I didn't think it would be so great ~ for the first three years of her life she had been raised a certain way and he just expected for her to naturally fall into the roll of being his daughter too....and he loves her but just the way he is, well I don't agree with a lot of things he does as a parent and I will end up talking about that a lot in here too. Two big examples of him with her that stand out in my mind though ~ shortly after we moved down to Florida it was his first fathers day with her and though he never really took her out by himself to spend time with her he decided he wanted to have an evening of just them so he said he was going to take her to eat and to see a movie...sounded good to me...well, he took our 3 year old little girl to see frickin Tomb Raider. By the time they got back it was very late so I was laying down to try to rest - but I wasn't asleep..when they came in she started getting teary eyed because with the dark she thought that I wasn't there and was scared about it but instead of being reassuring and comforting he yelled at her for getting upset about it so then of course she got more upset and I got up and calmed her down. (He's always said she's too clingy to me and too much of a momma's girl and he gets all mad about it with her). So the next day I found out what movie he took her to and man I was so pissed. Of course it had scared her and he got mad at her for not liking it and ended up yelling at her because 30 mins before it was over he had to leave because she was too upset and scared and wanted me. And he always wondered why she wasn't more lovey with him and didn't want to spend time going out with just him The other thing was something that happened when I was a few weeks into the latest pregnancy. It was around 4 in the afternoon one day and she wanted to go next door and play with the neighbor girl and I told her she could. I had the extreme tiredness that goes along with first tri pg and told him I was going to lay down for a nap and to wake me up in an hour so I could go get her. Well, I woke up later on my own and it was pitch black outside! I thought well maybe she just had the neighbor lady bring her back or maybe he went over and got her and she was in the front room watching tv and being really quiet. I walked out and she wasn't out there so I asked him where she was and he said "I don't know playing outside I think maybe" Another incident of me being so pissed. So then I felt terrified thinking what if she tried to come back over by herself and something happened to her (even though it was just next door) and I ran outside. My poor baby girl was out there in the dark by herself in a dress that wasn't hers and she was standing by the swing looking sad and talking like she was talking to someone. I ran over to her and hugged her tight and asked her what had happened. She said that after she had been over there for awhile (what I found out later was almost 3 frickin hours) she was absolutely filthy and the neighbor was going to give her daughter a bath so she walked lyss back over. She came inside and told Robb she needed a bath and he told her she couldn't have one because I was asleep by the bathroom and he didn't want me being woken up so then he told her to go play outside or up in his father's house because she was dirty and he didn't want her back there getting things dirty. Told her to go play outside by herself and it was already dark!!!! (The yard was all fenced in and locked and there are lights out there and security stuff but still!) So she went up into his dad's house and he was blaring his radio - he looked at her and said oh hon you need to go have mommy give you a bath and she said mommy's sleeping and daddy won't let me have a bath. So does he come back there to knock some sense into his son or even wake me up so I can deal with it???? NO he then tells her to go back outside then because she's too dirty to be inside. So my poor baby walked herself back over to the neighbor's and told her what was going on so she gave her a bath and put one of her daughter's dresses on her and brought her back but lyss was too scared to go inside either of the houses so she just stayed out in the dark by herself. I was so livid - I just about ended our relationship right then and there. I told him what a poor father I thought he was (he had also said before that if I wasn't around and Brenden started crying a lot that he would just have to put him in his crib and shut the door because he was afraid he might lose his temper and hurt him - now he has never ever done that and he wouldn't but back then he would just lash out and say things like that because we were under so much stress with where we were living and knowing what I was going to be facing with a new pg and trying to plan for it). Yeah so anyway I decided it would be best to send her to stay with my parents in Feb. because I figured 20 weeks would be when I started having the really bad problems again....
So it was December and we were planning to go back up north for the Christmas holiday. Where Robb was working they get 2 weeks vacation for the holiday (with pay) so we set up to go see my parents and then up towards Chicago to see his mom and step dad for awhile. I was so excited to be able to get back up home for abit! Talking on the phone with my mom one day I was asking about how we were going to work it with them not liking Robb and that whole situation. She said she had talked to my dad and he realized that if he wanted to see us for Christmas that he had to accept him coming along too. They said he could stay there but that since we weren't married they would not let us sleep in the same room in their house. I was just happy that I didn't have to deal with a situation of wanting to visit but them saying that he couldn't come along.
We got there and I was so happy. I was afraid how things would be with them towards me because of me being pregnant again, but it was all fine. Not much to really say about the trip except that it was great to get back home and I really wished we didn't have to leave. After being there for awhile it was time to go up by Chicago to see Robb's parents. My parents were going to go to visit relatives in Alabama and we gave Alyssa the option to go with them if she wanted or to come with us. She ended up saying she wanted to go with us and see her other grandma and grandpa. Well we got up there and they have a nice house, but things weren't really set up for kids. They had some kids tapes for lyss to watch, but they only had a dvd player in the living room and the vcr was down in the finished basment. They would sit there and watch dvd's that weren't appropriate for kids and really pretty scary so lyss and I went down to watch tapes. It a "finished" basement - there's a bathroom down there and it's carpeted, the main room has a pool table, but the heat didn't work down there so we had to sit by a little space heater. There weren't any chairs down there and nobody brought any down either so we had to sit on the floor by a little space heater to watch tapes. They had set up the rooms upstairs for us to sleep in - they expected lyss to sleep by herself in one room and for me, Robb, and Brenden to sleep in the other. I knew that wouldn't go over with lyss well at all, plus anytime we tried to go spend time upstairs they would all just sit there watching those movies and nobody would really talk to or play with her so we would just kind of sit there. So we ended up spending all of our time down in the basement and someone brought us some pillows and blankets and we just ended up sleeping on the floor by the space heater. During I think it was the third night I started hurting pretty bad in my kidney area and started throwing up. I knew it kinda scared lyss to see me sitting there throwing up so I called my parents on the cell phone so she could talk to them instead of concentrating on me. During that conversation she said I made a mistake I should have went to Alabama with you guys and it broke my heart - but then she also ended up saying that she wanted to just stay with them when we went back before going back to Florida instead of waiting until February, that broke my heart also but I agreed to it - seemed as if I was going to start getting sick early anyway.
So after our time visiting there we went back down to my parents. By the time we got back we didn't have time to spend another night so we loaded up the stuff we left there and I said a very tearful goodbye to my baby girl. I held her tight, told her how much I missed her, and that I would be back with her soon. It was dark, we headed out and hit the interstate and I started bawling (me and crying on interstates )
Well I had been driving pretty much the whole way there and back. Robb had had something from a few years back with unpaid tickets or something so we had found out before that his license was suspended and he hadn't found out what he needed to do to get it taken care of yet (he's a big procrastinator) and I didn't want to chance what would happen if he got pulled over driving. Well things on the drive had been going well, but in Georgia the next day I started to feel pretty sick. We pulled over at a rest stop and I was feeling totally horrible so he said he would go ahead and drive. I said ok but to be careful and not speed at all because I had seen lots of cops out. So of course about 5 mins down the road it feels like we're going fast and I look over and he's driving 90 I shot him a look but he kept going and I closed my eyes again. The next thing I know he yells out oh **** so I sit up and look and the state patrol was pulling up behind us and threw on their lights. So he gets pulled over and I instantly feel the urge to hurl. He went back to talk to them and came back and said that he told them about his license and told them he was only driving because I was pregnant and sick. He said they said they would call it in and see what they could do. He went back to them and then came back and said they had to arrest him and for me to follow So here I am 2 months pregnant in a high risk pregnancy and he gets arrested a state away from home and I don't know what I'm going to do.
I followed and sat there waiting with Brenden in the waiting room forever. Finally I was told that because we were from out of state we had to pay the whole bond amount for him to get out and that was 1300 dollars that we didn't have. Now I really didn't know what I was going to do. They had me come over to get his wallet from him. He told me the rest of our travelling money was in there and to get a room for the night and to try to work something out to get him out or to just go back on to Florida - he didn't know. Then they pulled him away and I couldn't talk to him anymore. We had called and asked his dad for help ( I mean afterall he had went on soooo many times about how helpful he was for family and blah blah blah and how horrible my family was for not being so helpful) and he said no way would he help He said he needed to learn a lesson or something and he was very mad at him so fine but that left me with his 9 month old grandson and pregnant with another granchild stuck in Georgia not knowing what to do ~ and so began some feelings for him that weren't so great. I got a cheapy hotel room for me and Brenden - there was a gap under the door and cold air was coming in. I talked to several different people on the phone that night. I talked to Toni and she told me that I should just pack up and go back to my parents and get rid of the **** I kept going through for him. Heck even his own father told me I should just go down there, get my stuff, and go back home. I called my parents to let them know what was going on and mentioned to my mom how everyone was saying that I should go home and she told me that I should just go back down to Florida and stay there and wait for him to get out - that we were his responsibility and he should live up to it.
I finally got some sleep. When I woke up the next morning the horrible luck steak continued and there was a bad snow storm. I packed us up and tried to remember the way back to the jail. I got there but there was no new news. I couldn't afford to get a room again, so Brenden and I had to sit in the car most of the day out in the snow storm. Then the phone started to go dead and I would have no way for nothing so I drove around and found a wal-mart to get a cheap car charger. Finally late that afternoon I heard from his step dad and he said they were wiring the money for his bond - that I didn't need to be dealing with this. His mom and step-dad really are great (they didn't make me and lyss feel very welcome at Christmas but these are the only grandkids and they aren't really set up for kids). So they said we could just pay them back later (he already owes them somewhere near 10 grand for the things they've helped him with). The sent some extra for us to be able to stay in a nice room that night instead of travelling right away after all the stress. It took the people at the jail forever to get it all through though and it was after 8 that night before he finally was out. We got a nice room for the night and he held me and told me how much he loved me and thanked me for putting up with him and that he knew how much I must love him to go through it all.