Obesity - it sounds like such a gross word. I've lived most of my adult life being considered obese, according to the CDC. I guess I never really viewed myself that way, because up until my oldest was born in April 02, I was a pretty physically fit person... and in my mind, I'd tell myself muscle weighs more than fat.

When I was 19, the summer before I got pregnant with Alex, I weighed 115 lbs. I worked my *** off to lose my 'baby fat' - which really was my freshman 30 or 40. Add to that the fact that I was taking prescription steriods to control my allergies.

I feel like the last few years I've been out of control. Maybe not in the minds of most, but in my mind I'd reverted back to my teenage days, eating packages of cookies at a time to control the emotions I was feeling on the inside. My appearance changed and after the birth of my second child in August 2004, I found myself weighing nearly 180 lbs., my highest weight ever.

I grew into a pretty horrible depression, and when I sought help from my OB-GYN, I was told that I was just hormonal and that going on birth control would control my emotions. Deep inside, I know that my feelings are 99% based on my appearance. The fact that I can't wear 75% of the clothes I own, the fact that my 3-year-old son does not recognize me in photos from when I was in early college. I feel like my relationship with my husband has suffered for my emotions as well. I've pushed him away, because I was uncomfortable seeing him the way I see myself.

I've tried a ton of different diet plans. I tried Weight Watchers but its leniency has it's negative points for me. I took the fact that I could have whatever I wanted when I wanted and somehow took that to mean I could still eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies in one sitting, if I had the points for it.

I went swimsuit shopping and was disgusted by the way I look. And I know Alex will want to go swimming this year, so I have to have a swimsuit. I knew it was time for a change.

So 2 weeks ago, I started cutting back on soda and junk. I still have soda, though mostly diet. I do allow myself one regular Coke a day - the caffeine relieves my daily migraines.

Last Tuesday, Bob (DH) and I started the Scarsdale Plan. Scarsdale is basically like The Zone. Your diet is basically mostly protein, a little fat, and a few carbs. But you are allowed a lot of fruit and veggies, and I like that. I don't feel limited. We've eliminated all but a few snack options in the house, and those are only for the kids. I have allowed myself to "cheat" a little. But, I've tried not to punish myself by cheating. You see, this is something I want to adopt as a lifestyle change, not just a diet. And I think every once in awhile you should be allowed a reward. So I reward myself, just in small portions. A fun size candy bar, a handful of M&M's.

In the last week, I've lost 8 lbs. I'm so happy. This week I'm starting my workout plan... so hopefully things will drop quicker.

Here's how my weight loss has gone in the last week:
Tuesday- 176
Wednesday- 173
Thursday- 172
Friday- 171
Saturday- 171
Sunday- 169
Monday- 168

As you can see, I'm seeing results. I know a lot of it is water weight, and that's ok. It helps. I've decided to post this journal under General Journals instead of Fitness Journals because my journey to feel "fabulous" is not just one about how I look. It's about a lot of things, and I hope by posting it here, I can have the courage to change my outside appearance and the way I feel on the inside.

I don't have a plan yet - I don't know how much I want to lose or where I want to be size wise.

I'm a 14 right now, and I'd love to fit into a 6/8 for my brother's wedding in November. But - that is 5 months away so I'm going 15 lbs. at a time.

We'll see. Starting this journal is just the first step in my "transformation". That sounds a little "Swan" like, and if you've ever seen that show you know what I mean.

I have big plans for myself and I need the motivation to keep it up.

Here we go!