I decided to start this journal because I am LOVING being a mother to our almost 11 month old daughter. I need a place to talk out my frustrations with wanting another baby.....
DH does not want any more and it is literally eating me up inside. I am starting to get depressed and I catch myself withdrawing from him from time to time. I have a hard time feeling like being romantic with him because of it.
I don't blame him at all... I mean he has valid feelings afterall. He is concerned about global overpopulation, our income, his goal of getting a book published, his occasional depression (which was bad after our baby was born), and the fact that he's a SAHD and pretty much has to be with the baby(s) all day while I'm at work. ALL valid reasons. And i totally understand..... and i don't expect that he would change his mind.... and we did agree on ONE, but I always said one, maybe two. and he always said one....
But I also can't help how I feel. I want another baby... and I would have tried for one when our baby was 3 months old, but seeing as I have a DH that is against it - that pretty much dashed that. But I also have thyroid issues and I am still nursing and have not had AF back yet... I want another baby because I REALLY want Rosie to grow up with a sibling. Sure even a cousin close in age would be great - if she could see them all the time. But as it is, her 2 existing cousins are ages 7 and 13. And the only other option for her to have cousins are my brother or sister. My brother got married 4 years ago - and his wife has PCOS and fibroids... so it may be a long road - especially since they haven't even TTC yet. Then my sister -who is not married - though she wants children. Even if she got married tomorrow - it would likely be over a year, and she currently isn't even dating. The other thing is that DH's family is 3 hours away, my brother is 8 hours away, and my sister is about 11..... even if they each had kids Rosie's age - it would be too far for our baby to have a strong relationship with them
DH uses the excuse that Rosie can be friends with his Best Friend's kids (ages 4 &6), but they are also 8 hours away.
Pregnancy was one of the best times of my life. I never felt better health wise, and it was a very exciting time. It was one of the only times in my life that I remember actually sleeping through the night regularly. I even enjoyed my labor and delivery.
Sure there were things that I would have changed. But i won't get into that now.
I just feel like I am living someone else's life. Like I am living in a bubble. I cry about once a week - grieving for the baby I will never have. Grieving for the sibling relationship Rosie will never know... grieving for Rosie when we are old and sick and she has no one to help her or to lean on.
DH doesn't want to hear it. He has told me in no uncertain terms that he is done. Every time I look at our daughter I can't help but think how she is IT... this is all, and it makes me sad.