I decided to start this journal because I am LOVING being a mother to our almost 11 month old daughter. I need a place to talk out my frustrations with wanting another baby.....
DH does not want any more and it is literally eating me up inside. I am starting to get depressed and I catch myself withdrawing from him from time to time. I have a hard time feeling like being romantic with him because of it.
I don't blame him at all... I mean he has valid feelings afterall. He is concerned about global overpopulation, our income, his goal of getting a book published, his occasional depression (which was bad after our baby was born), and the fact that he's a SAHD and pretty much has to be with the baby(s) all day while I'm at work. ALL valid reasons. And i totally understand..... and i don't expect that he would change his mind.... and we did agree on ONE, but I always said one, maybe two. and he always said one....
But I also can't help how I feel. I want another baby... and I would have tried for one when our baby was 3 months old, but seeing as I have a DH that is against it - that pretty much dashed that. But I also have thyroid issues and I am still nursing and have not had AF back yet... I want another baby because I REALLY want Rosie to grow up with a sibling. Sure even a cousin close in age would be great - if she could see them all the time. But as it is, her 2 existing cousins are ages 7 and 13. And the only other option for her to have cousins are my brother or sister. My brother got married 4 years ago - and his wife has PCOS and fibroids... so it may be a long road - especially since they haven't even TTC yet. Then my sister -who is not married - though she wants children. Even if she got married tomorrow - it would likely be over a year, and she currently isn't even dating. The other thing is that DH's family is 3 hours away, my brother is 8 hours away, and my sister is about 11..... even if they each had kids Rosie's age - it would be too far for our baby to have a strong relationship with them
DH uses the excuse that Rosie can be friends with his Best Friend's kids (ages 4 &6), but they are also 8 hours away.
Pregnancy was one of the best times of my life. I never felt better health wise, and it was a very exciting time. It was one of the only times in my life that I remember actually sleeping through the night regularly. I even enjoyed my labor and delivery.
Sure there were things that I would have changed. But i won't get into that now.
I just feel like I am living someone else's life. Like I am living in a bubble. I cry about once a week - grieving for the baby I will never have. Grieving for the sibling relationship Rosie will never know... grieving for Rosie when we are old and sick and she has no one to help her or to lean on.
DH doesn't want to hear it. He has told me in no uncertain terms that he is done. Every time I look at our daughter I can't help but think how she is IT... this is all, and it makes me sad.
Last edited by Barefoot~Mama; 05-27-2009 at 01:35 PM.
He is such a great dad to her. He loves her and takes wonderful care of her.
I think that if we did have another - he would continue to do great - and would love that baby very much too. I do get worried that he may go into a depression again, but I don't think he would in nearly as much of a severity because he know what to expect now. But that is all basically a non- point because he's done
This is the other thing that weighs heavily on me right now. We just bought a fixer-uper of a house and he doesn't want to hear about it. He would rather just work on his novels and write on the computer all day long. I totally understand that construction isn't his thing... but I also know him. Heck we've been married 11 years and together for even longer.... I know that If I make some decisions on my own - like cabinet color, location of shelves, type of shelves etc.... he would pitch a fit after the fact.
Sometimes I do wonder what my life would be like today if he had wanted kids as much as me. If he had wanted them earlier, or wanted 2 like I do... would I have even trained to be a doula? Would I have planned a homebirth for our baby? Would we have toddlers now the same age as his friend's babies? Would I have had a miscarriage (which was probably due to the thyroid condition that got out of control in recent years)... would we have left MI? would I have done something else for a profession? would he have found a profession that would make enough money that I could be a SAHM?
I know that the answer to most of those is - "probably not" but it make me wonder ya know?
Some days I just feel like staying in bed - crying because I already miss the baby I will never have. Because I feel fat and unattractive, because I feel absolutely no motivation to look better. Sometimes I do want to just exersize all day because it keeps my mind off of wanting another baby - well really it gives me time to think and mourn. And the irrational thought of - maybe if I were thinner and looked great like I did when we were first married - or even like I did pre-baby - that he would be more willing... silly I know.
I just catch myself saying to myself - "how can this be it? how can this be my life? how do I get over this feeling?"
Today is an okay day... I went to work out at the fitness center at our apartment so I could get some thinking time. I watched Baby Story (2 episodes) while I power walked on the treadmill... It made me kinda jealous - but it also helped me feel better too - just to have the experience of the whole thing again - seeing the kids excited about their new siblings etc.... Yeah it depresses me a bit to know that will never be me again - but at least I get to be part of a birth in that way.
I also got a phone call this morning from a woman that wants me to be her doula. Unfortunately I'm not practicing anymore AND she got my old phone # from when I lived in VA - since I"m in IL now - that's kinda hard. I just affirmed with me that Doula-ing is my calling.... no matter how cheesy that sounds.
I wonder if I was able to doula again - if that would help calm my baby fever? I doubt it - it didnt' work before Rosie was here - I don't see it working now. I keep thinking that I should just go back to school and get my RN and be a L&D nurse.... but I REALLY don't see myself liking the part of my job where I have to start IV's and see women rushed to the OR for emergency C sections.... maybe it wouldn't bother me - who knows?
But if I did do that I'd be making more $ - and have better and CHEAPER health insurance... but I'd have less time off - unless I worked 12 hour shifts. Anyway...
DH took Rosie on a long walk about 1/2 hour ago - he'll probably be back soon. I think he notices that I'm feeling sad because he's been unusually helpful today. Rosie is starting to try to commuicate more now too. She really hasn't done anything other than wave and make a noise that resembles "hi".... but today I was having a one-sided conversation with her and she nodded yes and said "yeah".... and later she snuck up behind the cat and said something like "tikki" maybe she's trying to say kitty?
Oh - and I've been trying to teach her the sign for drink/thirsty... and today I did the sign and asked her if she wanted her cup and she started shreiking and reaching for the fridge The shreiking was annoying - but it was obvious that she knew what I was saying! now if I can only get her to try to do the sign for drink....
Alright -off to the shower and then dinner making time.
Last night at bedtime and this morning - Rosie decided that she was a "daddy's girl" ... every time I was playing with her, rocking her before bed, feeding her etc... and she saw daddy walk by - she started crying and pitching a fit...
I'm SO glad that she's giving him that attention - but she never does that for me. She never cries when I leave for work, or when he's playing with her and I leave the room
And DH gets so happy when she does that - he lights up - it's really cute.
Yesterday I spent hours on the phone and online trying to find insurance. My job offers okay insurance - 0 deductible and %80 of other things - but it costs us nearly 600/month... which is a LOT seeing that I only make around 2000 a month... So I looked for private insurance - which we can get - but it doesn't have maternity - which is fine.... afterall we are not TTC - probably ever again. But the other thing is that it also does not cover ANY form of birth control. It Does cover sterilization though - but only after a 12 month waiting period... odd to me.
IMO insurance should cover any type of birth control - but not things like IVF... afterall - they are the leading cause of multiple births - and also the leading cause of high maternity/newborn care... Whatever.... that's really OT.
I was talking with another mom from my birth board via PM. Her DH is a lot like mine and it makes me feel glad to know that I'm not alone in this struggle - but also VERY VERY sad for both of us. I also know that if either of us ever DID get preggo again - and the other did not - that would be a devestating day.
Today's whine of the day is: why couldn't I have had twins.... but I guess -even if I did - maybe i'd still feel the same way now... like I want one more.
I remember reading 2 things - one in a book, one on a blog. Both really ring true to how I feel....
The book one is from Baby Catcher: "Every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that's the baby that's born. If she doesn't get pregnant, then that baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant, but something bad happens before it's born....now listen, mom, because here's the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month it's always first in line. Isn't that great?
So you just have to get pregnant again, and you'll have the same spirit baby. But it'd be a shame for you not to have it, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again."
And the other from a blog -which I can't find now... but here is the gist of it:
-knowing that you will never have another baby gives you the same feeling inside of trying to cram too much into a suitcase - and sitting on it trying to push it shut - but no matter how much you try to squash that suitcase - it is still so full, and will not shut.
I feel like both of those - like there is another baby out there that I'm supposed to be a mommy to - and like my feelings about it are so strong - that no matter how hard I try to squash them, they keep coming back.....
So yesterday I went to the local baby store and got Rosie 2 of the things form her birthday wishlist - I got her the baby bjorn little potty and the boon tub faucet deflector... She seems to really like her potty - although she still has no idea what it is for...
I sat her on it a couple of time and she smiles and bangs on her legs then gets up... I think that she thinks its a chair.
I haven't tried the faucet cover yet though. I also got her one more plastic-type bib with a pocket. The good kind w/o phalates or pvc...
I feel so stressed out! I have to get quotes for house repairs SOON and I've got to get a contract signed w/ the HVAC people, get homeowners insurance, find a plumber, find a contractor that will tear down our chimney and remove the wood stove pipe and repair the roof from the holes it will leave... etc... And I also have to find a way to pay them. Not to mention that I need to get to IKEA with a truck somehow in the next 2 weeks because then we are going on vacation for 10 days - and I need to get the cabinets so I can start assembling them so I cna order a countertop for the kitchen! I also need to decide on kitchen appliances and get those as well.... AGGGHHH!!!! I'm hoping my dad will volunteer to come over the first weekend in July and bring is SUV so we can go pick up stuff from Ikea.... Otherwise I'll have to pay $$$ for them to ship it to me - 3 hours away... I also can't wait to get closed on the house because I've got to get a LOT done before I can start adding the new stuff... like ripping out carpet, removing all the old kitchen cabinets, fixing the latch on the front door and getting a new rear door... AND I have to wash/bleach all the walls and ceilings so I can paint them - OMG! Maybe I should just not take a vacation.... I've got too much to do. But it is Rosie's first birthday - and I want her to see her family - AND we didn't go on vacation last summer because I was hugely pregnant and wasn't supposed to travel....
Oh well.... I'll do it somehow.
Yesterday was an okay day as far as the baby fever goes... I got mad watching the morning news - about that report of the highschool girls that that had a pact to get preggo all at the same time - as a game... they are warped! And why do they have babies and I can never have another???? So unfair!
But I also remember when I was in high school my friend got pregnant at 16 - and I remember being jealous of her then too. I knew that if it were me - I would not have kept it because I would not have been able to give the baby what it needed... but she kept it - and somehow graduated high school a year early - went to the community college, and transferred to the university and graduated with the same degree I got - but a year and a half BEFORE me! Talk about unfair! I started out college with 16 credits -took 16 credits or more EACH semester, and graduated on time... HOW ANNOYING! I often wish I could have been her - as crazy as it sounds. I think I've always been in a hurry to be done with school - be a mommy and get on with life. That is part of why I got married at 19 - that and I found the love of my life But even then, I still had to wait for a decade or more... for all the right reasons I think, but it still doesn't make it feel any better.
I had a dream last night that I was younger - living in MI in a nice house in East Lansing (the neighborhood I used to ride my bike through on my way to campus) I was about 25 - I had a toddler - who looked like Rosie -but more age 2 , and I was pregnant - due any day. Then I flashed to a scene of me with my MW (the one that I loved from Rosie's birth) and I was in labor in my living room and just about ready to give birth to my 2nd baby... DH was there of course - he was so happy and so was I. Rosie was playing in the corner of the room and everything was perfect. It was a very happy moment. I woke up just super happy
Well today was an average day. I got upset a couple times - DH didn't know... I got all teary eyed when I was watching Rosie play - knowing that I'll never get to have this moment again.... with her or any other baby of mine....
Dh made a comment today that made me kinda upset too.. we were talking about how Rosie wakes with the sun - just like he does.. .and I told him that he should teach her that it's okay to sleep past sunrise (which is currently at 5:30am)... and he said, "You asked for it... you wanted my genes..." To me it sounded like he's blaming me and trying to make me feel bad for her waking us up so early... well it didn't make me feel bad in that way - like he intended it. It made me feel bad because i knew that he was actually trying to rub it in that he doesn't want more kids... and implying that he didn't ask for her....
I still remember the day -when she was about 6 weeks old that he told me that he didn't want her, he never did - and that he only agreed to it because I wanted her - and he felt that I have given him so much - that he wanted to let me have something in return.... It made me SO mad for him to say that he didn't want her and never did... he apologized later and told me that it was is depression talking... and he's never said that again... but sometimes I get the feeling that he wishes she didn't exist sometimes...
Now he was right though. I HAVE given him a lot. I know his personality and realize that he is a lousy worker. He is moody and hates it when people are irresponsible, rude, or otherwise not doing their jobs. It bothers him so much so that he has a hard time maintaining a job - and keeping his mouth shut -when he works with others... So for the last 6-7 years he's been a "house husband" and NOT worked - and he doesn't drive EVER... which is kinda annoying because if he needs to see the dentist or something - I either have to take the day off work to drive him there, or the appointment has to be made for 3:45 pm... such a pain.
I think this sadness has caused me to get a sweet tooth - which I've NEVER had in my life. I seriously only usually eat candy about 2-4 times a YEAR.. and I don't really get any joy out of it at all - because frankly - I'm not a chocolate fan. But lately I've JUST wanted some chocolate! So either i'm going to get AF back for the first time in nearly 2 years... or this is getting to me. I bought a box of brownie mix today... I'll probably cook it tomorrow.
Another member of my birth board announced she got a BFP this morning... I'm VERY happy for her. She is a great mother - but it kinda rubs it in too ya know? There are MANY many days that I sometimes wish I was catholic - so that DH didn't believe in birth control and we could have as many children as "god" wanted us to have - but alas we are atheist and I don't want unlimited numbers of children - just 2. But a DH that wanted more kids that me would be a nice change of pace. I think I'd have a heart attack if DH ever said he wanted kids - and approached me with it. Sure I'd be SUPER happy if he ever decided to have one more... but I don't see that happening.
Well - I figure I should tell what my mental time line is:
My ideal would be to have 2 kids - preferably the same gender - but I'll take anything!
I would also prefer them to be about 18 months apart - but since Rosie's already 11 months and I'm not preggo - that's impossible.... I would NOT want them to be any more than 3 years apart - because personally I think that is too big of a gap.
Also - I'm a teacher, DH doesn't work, etc... so I need to take maternity when it is going to be convienient for work... which means that I should try to deliver during the months of May or June.... Which means that I should get preggo in August or Sept.
I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it if it could happen this August... Because then they would be about 22-23 months apart.... which is great... next year it would be 3 years apart and then after that - that's it. BUT I'm still trying to get my thyroid straight - which it's getting better, but I'm still nursing 2 x. a day... and have no AF.. which makes it kinda hard to plan huh? OH - and did I mention that there's the little problem of not having DH on board???
Ah well - time to get ready for bed. I see another early morning tomorrow - say ... 5:30???
Well I was pleasantly surprised! Rosie didn't wake me up till almost 7 - banging on her crib with her pacifier - not the screaming that she had been the last week or so at 5:30am...
She did wake at 10:30 screaming - but went back to sleep on her own, and then again at 12:30... and that time I decided to go in there and put some orajel on her gums - she's teething a few fangs afterall and as soon as I put the gel on her gums she let out a blood curtling scream because she hates the stuff - but then I gave her the paci and she conked right back out - till 7am....
I think I'm going to to go the fabric store today and hopefully find some neat patterns for making Rosie some little pant/shirt sets. I got some organic cotton t-shirt fabric last week, but have nothing that matches it. On is sage, the other is a rose color... so I'm taking swatches to the other store to see if I can find something interesting... So far I've just gotten standard fabrics - boring, but fine - yellow w/ strawberries, and red gingham for making her some shirts... I also want to get her a couple of patterns for cute dresses/pants etc. Hopefully I'll find something cute. I feel like I only have 2 weeks left before all hell breaks loose! I've got to spend all next week interviewing contractors and lining up all of that - we close in a week and a half and I need to rip out 2 small walls and all the kitchen and carpet in 4 rooms...... all BEFORE I can start doing things. Then I'll have to wash all the walls and ceilings, sand peeling paint, and then I have to rent a floor sander and re-finish the hardwoods...
I have a feeling I only have one week left of summer break. Technically I don't have to go back to work till mid Aug. But this is how the time till then looks:
next week - nothing
First week of July - close on house, begin demolition and getting contractors in
then spend 10 days in MI on vacation for Rosie's b-day
As soon as we get back - have another b-day party for Rosie
HOPEFULLY move some stuff over to the new house that weekend
The WHOLE next week and 1/2 I have to go to a seminar for my job - 8-4 every day.
Then 2 days after the seminar is over - we have to be out of our apartment AND I start pre- week at work to get ready for another school year...Then the next week is the first day of school
I'm tired already and I haven't even done anything yet -
And this is exactly why I want to get some sewing done... I won't have another chance for a while...
Well DH is irking me off an on today. He spent much of the morning writing on the computer - and so I took care of Rosie - but he made an effort to come out of his "lair" and changed her diaper and got coffee for himself.
Rosie took a couple of good naps today - and I went to the fabric store and got some things to make some cute dresses, shirts and pants for her. I'll post pics later I'm sure.
But the difficult part came this evening when DH was in a FOUL mood.. he was reading for about an hour - and Rosie was screaming her head off very hungry and I was in the middle of making dinner. I gave her the cup of milk and she drank some, but really wanted to eat... and I had burgers cooking etc.... So I asked him very nicely if he could please come in and help me by giving her the yogurt while I finished up our dinner.... He groaned loudly but came to do it - complaining the whole time that she was shrieking...
Then later he was telling me that i didn't GET how much work it was to watch Rosie - and how he never got to do as much reading and typing as he wanted....
WTH??? he gets to do what he WANTS for HOURS every day - he spent at LEAST 3 hours typing this morning and another hour this afternoon and then another hour or more of reading - and he's off writing more on his computer NOW!
I haven't done a Darn thing for myself since Rosie was born! Sure I went to the store today - but that was to buy fabric to make sure she has clothes to wear when she grows... and I had to get a few groceries - is it what I WANT to do??? no.... it's what needs to get done!
He just considers his reading and writing as NEEDS - when in actuality they are wants. there are a LOT of things i WANT to do - but I always put them last on my list - because the needs have to get done first... sure I take breaks and get on here and type my day and talk to friends... but %90 of my day is dealing with the neccessities! At least today he asked what he could help with as far as the new house.. but I know that if I were to tell him that I wanted him to find a plumber - he'd say no... he hates making phone calls etc..
I am so sick of him saying that he "knew" it would mess up his schedule to have Rosie... it is what being a parent is - learning how not to be so selfish... putting some one else before yourself. Living for something bigger... Who knows - she may be the one that does something GREAT for the world.. maybe not - but we only get one chance with her and spending it complaining etc. itsn't helping.
Well I sit her crying - because I have a beautiful child, and a good husband... and they are both napping and it's time for me. I'm tearful because she is such a good baby - she's been sleeping through the night (mostly) since she was 10 weeks. She just learned how to walk yesterday and today is her 11 month birthday. The time has gone by way too fast and just knowing that I'll never be able to experience this motherhood time again is hard.
DH and I went to the complex pool today with Rosie. There were 4 or 5 other kids there ages 3-8, and she LOVED it. Every time one of them went by her she lit up and giggled... she reached out for them when they went by and one of the people had their toddler in the pool and their baby on the pool deck in an exersaucer - Rosie walked right over to the other baby and waved and smiled from ear to ear. She LOVES babies and kids as much as me I wonder where she gets that from???
Just seeing her with the other kids and knowing that she'll never have a sibling is hard - but it will be even harder when she's a 3 or 4 year old and wants to know why she doesn't have a brother or sister. And how will I answer her? If I tell her the truth - that I wanted her to have one, but her father didn't - that's not fair to him... she might be mad at him about it for the rest of her life. If I tell her that kids are expensive - she'd try to do with I used to do when I was a kid and my mom said that we didn't have money for things... I remember trying to stop the faucet from dripping by wrapping it in tape - so we didn't have too high of a water bill.... If I tell her that daddy couldn't handle the thought of all the work that 2 kids would bring - would she get confused and wonder if he loves her because she's work too???
DH did talk yesterday about how kids are so expensive... well that IS true - but really only for #1... because you don't know what will work for you and you have to buy so much... and you end up wasting a lot. Well I'm sitting here thinking of what I would have to buy if we had #2... I can't honestly think of ONE thing other than a bouncy seat or swing because we sold ours.... We have cloth diapers we can re-use, boxes of clothes for either gender, plus I sew so could make anything, and I BFed, so we wouldn't need to buy formula. I still have my pump and bottles etc. I guess I'd have to buy some new pacifiers -but only if the baby wanted them...
We wouldn't even have to buy Rosie a bed in order to move her out of the crib - because we already have a spare bed... IDK. it just seem like a lousy excuse...
Time to dry up these tears -DH is waking up and I need to get the dining room table cleaned off, bills paid and I cut out 2 shirts for Rosie - need to get started on sewing them.
DH has been great though lately. He says he's taking her for a walk when they wake up so that I can call more contractors and get some things done. Oh -and BTW - I got a reference for a plumber and he came today to give me a bid - and while he was there he gave me a bid for the HVAC too.... and he says he can do them all at once - and save us some $... his bid for ALL of it was the same as the other 2 HVAC people's bids - but w/o the plumbing work! Yay!!!