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  1. #11


    Lots of tears today... I know what my choices are - and neither are acceptable.

    They are these:

    Never have another child and try to learn how to grieve through this and possibly resent this/ and/or DH for the rest of eternity


    Have another child - and him not want to - and him resent me and child #2 for the rest our our lives...

    And obviously I can't do the second option - because no child should grow up feeling like their father didn't want them... but I also don't want to live my life like this either... Lots of tears today. I did post a message asking for advice from Dr. Laura and she basically said the same - and suggested that I just work on making this decision feel like my own so that I can move on - and try to cognitively remind myself that I am choosing my DH and my LO over having another LO...

    Today is rough... I need more chocolate - brownies here I come....

  2. #12


    Well last night DH and I talked...sort of....

    He asked if I was okay - and I told him "kinda" and he asked if I was stressed about the new house - and I said "not really" and he asked what was bothering me and I told him I didn't want to talk about it - even though I did.... But I knew he didn't.

    So after a bit of silence, he asked me to please tell him - so I just said "it's about still feeling like I want another baby and I already know that you don't want to talk about it - so I'm just trying to deal with it on my own"

    And he says - THANK YOU!


    Anyway - I start sobbing and my nose starts running all over the place - so I get up and get tissues and lay back down in bed with tears soaking my pillowcase.
    He asked if there was anything he could do - and was trying to be helpful - but all I could say was "NO".... which is true - there is nothing he will do - so there is nothing he can do....

    I tried explaining to him that I feel like some part of me has died and I don't have a clue how long it will take me to get over it... days... months... years... or more.... and he just sat there silently.

    I tried explaining how I felt - and how strong this emotion was. but he didn't get it. so I tried relating it to something that he holds dearly - his writing and reading time (which he does for at least 6 hours a day) and I told him that it would be sorta like if he recently realized that he would not be able to write ever again - that he could no longer do what was so important to him - that he could never experience the joy of that EVER AGAIN... and he just said - "but you will be a mother forever... It's not the same as a one time activity...."

    GRRR! I KNOW that it's not the same - but it was the only thing I could think of to TRY to get him to understand the way I feel.

    I feel like there is this huge burden that only I carry - and that I must live a fake existence ignoring this forever...

    He tried to make me feel better by telling me that I had a lot of great things - and just ONLY to think of those things - like a healthy daughter, a caring husband, a loving family, a new house, a good job... which I KNOW - but this feeling is on top of those good things - it is not in the way of how I feel about those good things.... I still feel VERY good and VERY grateful for all of those things....

    Anyway I finally drifted off to sleep around 12, Rosie woke at 12:45 screaming because of her teeth - as soon as I went in there and hugged her, she laid down and fell back asleep without a fuss... then she woke again around 1:30... this time I got her out of bed and rocked her and put teething gel on her gums and she went to sleep quickly again - but I sat there and rocked her for nearly 45 minutes - just because... I will not be able to rock a baby in the middle of the night much longer - so I relished in it. Most people would think I was crazy for choosing not to go back to bed and being somewhat glad that I got to spend that extra time with her... but I am glad.
    She awoke again around 2:30 - so I got her up again , and gave her some tylenol and rocked her again for a long while while I wept.

    She is perfect - and the best thing that DH has ever given to me.

    Anyway - now she is napping and she has already woken after only sleeping 20 minutes - because she's in pain with those teeth again - so I just went in and held her and gave her more tylenol - and she sweetly drifted off in my arms again...

    Gah - I'm sobbing again. I need a nap...

  3. #13


    So I didn't get my nap...Oh well... she only took a 20 minute nap and then started crying again - HARD... I think she is definatly getting a tooth and it needs to come in soon -poor baby! I rocked her and gave her tylenol and laid her back down. She went back to sleep for another 20 minutes or so... Dh just took her out for a walk -hoping she'll go back to sleep. She is so short on sleep after waking so much last night -and only taking a 40 minute nap this morning...

    Well - another person on my birthboard announced their pregnancy today... I am so happy for her - and jealous too of course. But I could actually read her post and reply without getting teary eyed - so either I don't have tears left,or I'm starting to get better???

    Dr. Laura wrote me back again on my thread - and she seems to think that DH is mad about his childhood and how his sister treated him growing up - and also that during the time that his sister was the moodiest - it was also the time that his parents got divorced. She also made me think that it's possible that DH is afraid that if he has 2 kids that his life will be a repeat of his parents... divorce.... I DON'T want that at all! and he should know that....

    And honestly there is no way that our life would end up like that - firstly, he's not a traveling salesman for a furniture company and sleeping around with tons of women, he didn't give me a verneral disease like his dad did to his mom, and thirdly, we are NOT them! and if DH even remotely acted like his father in ANY way - I would never have married him in the first place... his dad is a jerk.

    Have I mentioned that his father has STILL never met Rosie? his own grand-daughter and has never once visited. He says he'll come to her first birthday party next month... He has however visited his adopted son's new baby - who is 2 months younger than Rosie. This adopted son was the son of his 2nd wife - whom he adopted when the child was about 9 - I've never met this guy - although he is DH's "brother" and DH only lived with him for about a year of his growing up... so he doesn't really even know him either. I find it odd that he'd visit this grandchild - who is not a blood relation -and he was only married to this guy's mom for a couple of years. But he won't even visit his son's child???

    Dr. Laura also said that maybe if DH spent some time watching children of friends (we have none that are close by) and sees how great sibling relationships are - he might be more likely to change his mind.... The thing is that I don't want him to change his mind because of me - I want him to change his mind because HE wants another child or because HE thinks it would be a great thing for our family and Rosie... I do wonder what he will think after our vacation with his friend Justin and his wife and their 2 girls.... Their first one was planned - their second one was an accident. She was on the pill -but there was a recall on the pills - it was announced a few days after she found out she was preggo.... I initially thought that she did it on purpose - and couldn't imagine anyone doing that to trick their husband but then I saw it on the news that there was a recall... so weird! But they love their kids and his friend is a great father. His friend wants children and always has - I wonder why that is... that my DH doesn't and his DH does? I think it has a lot to do with their lives as a child.

    My DH had a really rough upbringing IMO - his mom was married 3 times, and his dad is currently on his 4th wife. DH bounced back and forth from living with each of his parents based on who was currently married to the better of the two step-parents. Dh's mom had married a couple of jerks and DH didn't want to live like that, but he also had a couple of wierd step moms - one only like 11 years older than he was...

    But his friend Justin's family had 2 married parents - deranged as they were and fighting and cursing like sailors and drinking too much... they at least enjoyed family and were always having get-togethers and excuses to party. He had one brother and 2 sisters... so a "big" family compared to DH's.... and when things really went down hill for DH after his mom moved to IL and he was having some drinking and depression problems - Justin's family took him in and let him live with them for a while... They are a close family and support eachother no matter what. Now the parents relationship was one where you knew they loved eachother - but they also YELLED constantly... but it was a close family - the kids were great friends with eachother...

    Rosie will never know what that is like to have a big supportive family.... now I DON'T want 4 kids - and if I was able to have that one more that I long for - I would go and get the Essure birth control put in. I'm not liking the sound of a tubal surgery and DH isn't keen on a vas either... although he wants one in theory...

    Alright -enough rambling. I'm off to read the local hospital's website and see if I can find out more about their nurse training scholarship and their salaries.... maybe I should change jobs... IDK....

  4. #14


    Today is a much better day. I didn't find anything exciting yesterday looking into nursing. None of them post their salaries - and most of the available jobs are 7pm -7am..3 days a week... which I could easily do, but am not sure that I'd want to do both that AND have to poke people with needles... Our local hospital will pay up to $7500 of your college expenses if you agree to work for them... something to consider.

    Today DH and I talked a lot about appliances - he is actually trying to be very helpful and is giving me a lot of great input. We decided today to get a smaller fridge and a better stove - w/ our money. And that we will likely have to get a home-equity loan to do some of the kitchen stuff... I'm hoping not to take out ANY offical loan money in equity till this fall though.
    We have enough cash to pay the plumbing and HVAC - and the paint... Then I'll get the appliances on credit card and I have a deal that I can use my current card and get 0 payments 0% interest for 12 months... which will be great. Then I just need $ to buy the cabinets and re-finish/sand the floors... which my mom said she'll loan me. I'm hoping that it all works out!

    Oh and I should be getting a $700 check from a conference I will be attending the first week of August.
    I plan to cancel my cell phone today , as well as my dial-up internet (since we don't use it anyway) and tomorrow I'm calling to switch over to private insurance vs. my job's insurance.. it will end up saving us about $200 a month!

    I'm right now waiting for the insurance company to call me back so I can get the paperwork finalized for our homeowner's policy so we can go through with closing on the house on Monday or Tuesday. I also have to call the HVAC guy tomorrow and schedule him to come in late next week to start that work. I have to see what his payment policy is though.

  5. #15


    Well I've been too busy getting house stuff done - and enjoying my summer with Rosie to write for the last couple days....
    It's been kinda nice that I haven't felt so gloomy for a couple days too.

    I spent a LOT of money the last couple days. I bought a bunch of expensive stuff for our new house: window glazing compound, crow bar, putty knives, stacking kit for my W&D, water heater, stove, fridge, and dishwasher....

    I lined up the plumber and HVAC guy and they will start work sometime next week - and hopefully be done before we go on vacation on the 11th. I'm planning on going over to the house today and possibly ripping out the carpet in the bathroom. it is SOOO nasty. you would not believe how nasty!

    Anyway - We are supposed to close on it on Tuesday. I have to call my mom and see about borrowing about $3k to buy kitchen cabinets so that we can avoid taking out an equity loan at least for a while....

    So I had a bunch of Oing signs a few days ago - and now I'm breaking out all over my face... so I'm assuming that I'll get AF for the first time - just in time for our vacation I'm hoping that I'll get back to normal and healthy and my thyroid stay under control....

    I think it will be a very difficult time for me. Not only will we NOT be TTC as much as I would like to, but that DARN AF will be back - and I hate it - but we will be with DH's friend and his family of 2 beautiful girls.... Exactly ONE more than I have and the EXACT amount I want I hope that DH realizes how special the relationship is between siblings close in age. Although - the younger one is just getting out of the terrible toddler stage - so I'm sure there will be a fair amount of whining....

    I'm baking a plum berry cobbler right now while Rosie naps - it's nearly done and smells so YUMMY! I can't wait to have some ... and I'm going to make some hashbrowns and eggs for breakfast too.... There is NOTHING on TV besides stupid kids programs and the HSN....

    Gotta go - I've got a lot to do!

  6. #16


    Okay - today I have an appointment with the bank to close on our house. It is exciting and overwhelming at the same time. There is SO much to do with the house!

    The last house we bought was brand new and we didn't need to to a thing... this is NOT the same! Today we close, tomorrow I will spend all day tearing out a hung ceiling in the kitchen and knocking out a small wall... then from here on out it will be stripping pain, and knocking out another wall, ripping up carpet, etc....

    Anyway - I'm feeling sad again today - not too bad, but still sad. Rosie woke this morning at 5:15... she usually sleeps till almost 7. I went in and laid her back down, but she didn't go back to sleep - and around 5:45 she was crying quite a bit and I went back in and she stunk.. so I had to change her and rock her back to sleep. She usually doesn't poop till after 8... Anyway - she finally fell asleep around 6:30 - and hopefully she'll take a long rest because we have to go to the bank and so her later naps will be off schedule.

    My SIL is our attorney for the closing and she is very excited to come here to play with Rosie. I think we'll probably do our meeting, then see the new house, then go out to lunch. Rosie usually has her nap around 12:30 or 1... our closing doesn't start till 11... so it's very likely she'll be to nap late.

    It seems like everywhere I look there are families w/ 2+ kids... I don't want to be the +.... but it just gives me so much joy to see siblings playing together. I honestly thought I'd never say that. I remember when I was 19 - I had just gotten married and DH and I had just come back from our honeymoon. My mom had us over and we were unwrapping wedding presents. DH walked away for a bit to go to the bathroom and my mom asked us when we were having kids. I told her not till I was about 30 (which is when we had Rosie) and she asked how many. I told her 1 or 2... but that would be the max. She told me that it was mean not to have a sibling for your baby... At the time I disagreed. I told her that the child could play with friends and they would be fine. But now I see her point. She also insisted that I was planned - and being only 14 months younger than my sister - I always assumed I was an accident. I also understand that too.... wanting your babies close in age.

    I'm thinking about looking into becoming a childbirth educator....since I can't doula with my job as a teacher. I saw a job posting yesterday as the local director or Head Start - which is an office job - so I could potentially doula w/ that job, but DH (and I) am not sure that it would be worth the pay - because it's only a couple thousand more than I make now - but it is 40 hours a week - year round... vs. 38 hours a week for 9 months..... and I'm not even sure how much I'd like it. I would have only one weeks' vacation instead of 10....

    I can't wait till Rosie is talking and walking. I think it will help DH a lot. He loves her so much, but I think it frustrates him sometimes that she isn't really playing with him and it's sometimes hard to figure out what she wants. Even though we've been doing signs with her for MONTHS - she's still not repeating them. Although she may have done the sign for done yesterday. But mostly she screams whenever she wants something...

    I sit here watching the today show -and Natalie Morales is pregnant. She looks great. I also look pregnant - but unfortunately I'm just fat

    I am very excited today though - 2 of my birth board members are finding out today if they will be having a boy or a girl!

  7. #17


    Well - both of the board members are having boys!

    That is great - I know they are going to love having sons... although I do secretly hope that IF we do have another - that it is a girl... no real reason exactly... But if I DID get to have another child - I wouldn't care boy OR girl

    Well I was really frustrated yesterday. DH was in another foul mood- complaining ALL afternoon... and he was doing that last week too - I posted about it on our birth board. Anyway - he said he feels trapped by all the stuff we have to do this next month or two. The fixing of the house, vacation, Rosie's birthday party, moving, me going to a 7 day teaching seminar the week BEFORE we are supposed to move, and then me going back to work (school) and him having to be home w/ Rosie all day alone again... I don't think he minds that so much - but he is OBSESSED with his writing so much so that everything else takes a back seat. He said he'd rather stay home and write - than go on vacation... Now when he's home alone w/ Rosie during the day while I work - he DOES play with her and put her first, and writes when she naps, but he gets really frustrated on days she takes short naps...

    So today is the day that I'm taking Rosie around town to take pics w/ the mascot - then I'm mailing it to Jen for her turn. I think I'm going to go to the park w/ the sculptures and take pics of it in the swing w/ Rosie, and playing ball in the grass, and maybe with a couple of the weird sculptures. And maybe after that I'll take some pics near the UofI campus.... and possibly a corn field....Nothing much to take pics of around here though...

    So yesterday I scraped the paint of the 2 windows in Rosie's new bedroom - it took about 3 hours My hands are so tired and my arms are sore.... I haven't even done the baseboards yet... I've got to get some primer to paint on it all once it's done though - and then a couple layers of new paint... then it should be safe for her. The windows and baseboard paint was chipping and it is likely to be lead paint, so I've GOT to get that fixed....

    Then there was this whole crazy thing about the W&D.... DH and I agreed to put it in the back hall closet because then we wouldn't have to do laundry in the icky basement... but the only place it would make sense to put it would mean it was right behind the entrance door.... and DH didn't like that - so to the basement it goes.
    So Now I have to go to the hardware store and get some lumber and some cinderblocks and make a base to set the W&D on - The basement leaks when we have BIG rains... so I don't want our $1400 W&D getting ruined...BUT we are getting a sump pump put in next week, so that should help.

    Today's task after going to the park - is to finish ripping out the wall by the doorway - where we were going to put the W&D - it will now be made into 2 coat closets - which we desperately need closets - so that's good I guess..

    I have good news though - I've officially put TTC in the very back of my mind... it's still there, but in the back. I know that DH is stressed, I'm stressed, and there is NO way he'll agree to TTC this Aug or Sept (which is when we'd need to because of my work) - so I feel comfortable waiting till next summer to bring it up.
    Hopefully by then we will have the house all perfect and maybe even an extra bedroom upstairs. Right now though we're not sure how that would work... because the contractor said that we may have to beef up the rafters - which would lose head room... and that wouldn't be good - it's not very tall in there now as is.
    I think that project will have to wait till this winter anyway - and we are a bit more settled in there.

    My new appliances for the kitchen are being delivered on Monday - and the HVAC guy is coming that day too to get us a new furnace and a/c unit added. I've GOT to plan a trip w/ a truck to go to IKEA to get our cabinets... but I've got to rip out the old ones first and re-measure before I buy them... and seeing the appliances in place should help too.

    Oh- and I'll be saving nearly $250 a month - I'm declining my employer's health insurance and that will save us about $150 a month and our mortgage is about $100 a month less than we are paying in rent! So I should have some $ to use for fixing things up - and maybe even hire someone to fix the sagging plaster in that spot on the living room ceiling...

  8. #18


    Well 2 more oops pregnancies on the birth board. It sorta makes me mad and happy at the same time. I want to have an oops too... not likely since we hardly ever DTD....

    But at the same time - i KNOW that these mommies WANT these babies and will love them so much! So that makes me feel great. I would be extremely mad if it was someone who didn't want it.

    Anyhow - things are busy as usual and I feel like I'm getting things done w/ the house. I got some of the wallpaper peeled off in the hallway today - and met w/ a cabinet company to get an estimate on that. The painter will come by tomorrow to tell me about painting the house and fixing the plaster ceilings.

    I am excited about going on vacation on Friday. It will be a long drive - but a much needed vacation. Dh is all worried - but he always gets his undies in a bunch whenever we are not home. He doesn't travel well....

    Rosie is walking more now -but only really if we make her. She hasn't figured out how to stand in the middle of the room yet. She puts her face and her feet on the floor and wiggles all around like that w/ her butt up in the air.

    Everything is going okay. I feel kinda numb at the moment about TTC or babies - more so than I've been in a long time. I really would like my 2 children close in age - but I think I've come to terms with them being nearly 3 years apart - instead of nearly 2.

  9. #19


    Okay - well I've been GONE for a while now. We went on our vacation to MI and it was okay. DH just had some grump attacks... but he got over it and it wasn't too bad. Rosie slept great almost the entire time - even though she was in the dining room
    Many of our family came for Rosie's b-day the day before we left the cottage and so that was really nice.
    I SO needed that break. I've been working my tail off trying to get our new house fixed up for DH and DD and I to move in in a few weeks, but I HAD to get out. The painter came while we were on vacation and fixed our livingroom ceiling and kitchen ceiling by re-plastering, and primer-coating the whole house. I'm going to see him tomorrow when he comes in to finish the last couple rooms - and see if he wouldn't mind spraying Rosie's dresser too while he's at it.
    SIL brought it by (it matches the crib - but she hadn't given it to us till now) and all of the parts used to be oak, but I painted the crib white.

    Oh - and I got pastel blue paint for Rosie's wall so I can paint a flower border and clouds on the wall... it will hopefully look like sky. The rest of the house I got a 5 gallon thing of yellow. DH and I both love that color for the walls.

    So in the past month since we closed on our house (really 3 weeks) I have removed 3 rooms worth of nasty carpet - removed all the kitchen cabinets - removed the old tub surround and vanity - gotten a new furnace installed - a A/C unit added - new water lines - new hot water heater- repainted- peeled up the linoleum- removed all the wallpaper - AND somehow did it ALL myself AND took a 10 day vacation!

    I feel like a whirlwind - and DH is being a BUTT again... he's complaining that it won't be ready when we move in etc. But I did drag him over to the house to get started on mowing the lawn. It is better - but still needs a lot mowed and the weeds are literally armpit high.

    Oh and today and yesterday we had my dad and his partner over - as well as DH's whole family for Rosie's b-day. She is walking SO good now! She started just before we left for vacation and got better at it there, and took off when we got home - and she FINALLY grew her 3rd tooth!

    I still want another baby -but it IS really helping by renovating things to keep my mind off it a bit. I did feel really sad a bit ago because I got 2 e-mails from people asking me to be their doula - because I'm still on the e-mail list back in VA... and I SO WISH I could do that , and I also wish I could be them. Every time Rosie does something new I wish that I could have another so that I can see it again in another child - my child. She is absolutely amazing. She is SO happy and SUCH a good baby!

    My dad and Bruce got Rosie an outfit for her birthday w/ a pic of a sippy cup on it that says "half full" - which is wonderful! I try to be optimisitc as much as I can - sure I get stressed and worried, but I still have hope. DH has been such the pessimist lately that sometimes I wish he would just go away for a few days so that Rosie and I could get a break from the near constant negativity.
    He did have a glimmer of a smile today though when he was mowing and a neighbor stopped to talk to him. I think it made him feel normal because he does not deal w/ stress AT ALL and I think that for a breif moment that he felt like things were calm and normal.
    Oh - and he's probably pissed at me right now. I'm taking too long on the computer My excuse though is that I got up at 7 and got Rosie fed, made breakfast at 8:30 for my dad and Bruce, then cleaned up and went w/ them over to the house so my dad (who is an architect) could help me to measure the kitchen for outlets for when the electrician comes later this week. All this while Rosie napped and DH was home w/ her. She was awake about 1 hour of that time. He gave her lunch and was all tired and moody - I swear he has PMS...
    Anyway - after a bit of a "discussion" I left w/o eating lunch - around 12 to go back to the house (because our company left) and finish cleaning the walls from the wallpaper glue, and peel up more linoleum. I was there till 4:30 and then came home and DH was walking Rosie home. I passed them in the car. Then he gets home in an absolute grump and looked exhausted. He asked for a nap - meanwhile I assembled our new reel lawn mower and watched Rosie. But I guess MIL came by while I was gone and woke up Rosie and DH from their afternoon nap and so neither had enough sleep and both were grouchy.
    DH laid down and I fed Rosie a snack and played with her - but she wouldn't be quiet and I didn't want her waking DH - he was grumpy enough - so we walked outside and played on the deck and she was whiny and wanted in - so we came in and she had a few giggle fits and I tried to get her to nap - but she would not. She screamed and eventually woke DH -
    So around 6 we left and went to the house w/ MR. Grumpy all the way and I put Rosie in her PNP in the yard while DH mowed and I went inside to wash off more glue.
    I'm SO tired - but I haven't even showered... Oh and when we got home I had to give Rosie the rest of her dinner because DH was on the can for 45 minutes and then I nursed her and put her to bed while HE showered! I'm getting very sick of him getting to do all the good stuff - like watch Rosie grow up, shower when he wants, sit for hours on the crapper, NAP!.... Anyway I asked him to put Rosie to bed when he got out of the shower so that I could get in the shower - well he tried rocking her for a while - but she was so wound up and over tired that she was fighting it pretty badly - so he told her "I'm sick of this - you just go to sleep on your own" and laid her in the bed and walked out. She SCREAMED and wouldn't sleep. I left her like that for a couple of minutes and went in and laid her back down and sang to her and she settled back down and started to fall asleep. So then I went into our room to get my clothes for my shower and saw a huge pile of clean laundry on the bed (DH did) and so I started folding it and Rosie started screaming again - so I go in and rock her because DH is on the computer reading comics. 15 minutes later - she's asleep - so I finish folding the laundry and come in here - now it's late and DH is probably already in bed. Honestly I don't care. He's been grumpy and I don't feel the least bit "romantic" tonight. Plus I STILL Haven't gotten into the shower.
    Oh and we used to DTD w/ the pullout method... but now he won't DTD at all - probably since I had AF while we were on vacation. He's SUPER paranoid. I think that if I did get accidentally pregnant - he'd freak out and consider leaving us. Nah - he's got a good deal here and doesn't have anywhere to go - plus he loves Rosie too much
    Anyway - he's still awake. He just came in here to make himself something to eat. So far today I had this: eggs and sausage for breakfast - lunch was at 4:30 w/ Rosie screaming in one arm (2 hotdogs - no bun), and dinner was 1/2 a plum because Rosie ate most of it and 3 fudge cookies left over from what I used to decorate her cake. I think I'll have some salad when I get out of the shower and then go to bed.

  10. #20


    WEll DH and I had another long talk last night. He KNOWS that I want another and that even though I'd like one like yesterday - that I KNOW that it's not best $ and time wise right now. I'm hoping for next summer... Anyway - our talk last night was about DTD. He WON'T at ALL.... he's scared... He doesn't want what he calls "an accident". I'm mad... and I think he knows it. I DON'T want to be pregnant now either - but I feel like he doesn't trust me - so I'm not volunteering to do anything.. I"m NOT going back on BCP's -they messed w/ me too much and plus I'm still nursing once or twice a day. AND our insurance doesn't cover procedures (like IUD, implants, surgeries etc.)... I wouldnt' mind getting an IUD for a year or so -but DH is still mentioning getting snipped
    I know that it is hard on him w/ a baby in the house - especially now since he doesn't handle change well and we are moving in a week and we have a LOT to do at our new house still etc. Plus - Rosie just started walking about 10 days ago or so and she's all over and into everything...
    He can't see that far in the future. He's hardly ever spent time w/ a 2 y.o..... and they are MUCH different than a 1 y.o. that is just realizing they can do things...
    A 2 y.o. and a baby is DO-able.... not so much bringing a baby home NOW - but I know I could do it and love it
    But IF - which is not likely - DH does agree to do #2 next summer - Rosie would be 3 - potty trained and helpful and talking... and we'd be settled in our house and hopefully have paid off the loans for the repairs.
    And IF he did agree to TTC - then I'd get a tubal after the delivery. Because I KNOW that 2 is MAX and that is exactly how many I want.
    I feel angry-ish and sad and depressed thinking about all the people who have accidents and DON'T want them - and I"m not even "allowed" to DTD w/ my HUSBAND - w/ protection! He doesn't like condoms - and doesn't want to use them. He just wants other stuff... because for him - it's almost as good...but I just miss DTD ... I'm not very interested in the other stuff....
    Anyway - I feel like not doing ANYTHING w/ him at all most days because of all of this....
    Gotta go - time to fix the wall in our new kitchen so I can hang cabinets next week.... I have to go get a piece of plywood cut for the floor.... and I'm hoping to talk to the floor sander guy today and hopefully he will start Monday and be done by Wed. or Thurs - because we HAVE to move in by Friday afternoon....

    Oh - and 3 or so more BFP's on my BB! I'm so happy for them - at least 2 of them were "accidents" and they already have 2-3 kids.. makes me so jealous! I just want 2.

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