Well today is a good day, other than it's daylight savings tomorrow and I'm worried about Rosie's sleep.
She grew 3 teeth this week, so she hasn't slept or ate well in at least 8 days. She now is in the habit of waking in the night twice. And she got used to eating purees again because that is all she WOULD eat when she was teething 3 front teeth. So now she just mashes all her food w/ her fingers and throws it on the floor.
I am still desperately wanting another baby, DH is probably still on the same page, but haven't even bothered to ask. Afterall, there is NO WAY I could even try till next summer at the earliest. Rosie has been a handful lately because of the teeth, so DH would freak if I asked now anyway. Oh and lots of members of my birth board are due in the next couple weeks, and I can't help but think that I wish it was me, but also at the same time, how on EARTH would I be able to handle Rosie w/ her current sleeplessness, not wanting to eat, clingy etc. WITH a newborn. I don't see it. I guess DH was right about that part, it being hard right now.
On another good note, I glazed 3 more windows today and the neighbor will baby sit Rosie for a couple hours tomorrow so DH and I can finish glazing the rest of the windows and get them primed so we can paint them next weekend. That would be SO great if we can get that done soon.
Oh! and my mom, sister, and grandparents just called and said they will be coming for t-giving. IT should be a LOT of fun I haven't had a big t-giving in years and I love to cook. I'm so excited to see them. My grandparents are 85 and 90, and they are going to drive here for it. So it's NO EXCUSE why DH's grandparents - who are 8 years younger, have yet to meet Rosie. But we are going to have to drive Rosie up to them this spring. NOthing like meeting your grandchild for the first time when she's 22 months old!
Things have been crazy busy at work with halloween, parent teacher conferences, report cards etc. I'ts finally over!
Dh is "tired" and is sleeping - rosie just went down for a nap. I had grand plans of finishing painting the windows, but DH gets mad when I make ANY noise while he sleeps, so I guess scraping and painting the bedroom window is out. I think I'll go outside in the COLD and sand the door for Rosie's closet and hopefully get that painted too. I think I'll bring it into the basement to paint it after I sand it. At least down there it's not so cold.
I went w/ my neighbor to the farmer's market this morning. It was soooo cold! I put Rosie's winter coat, hat and lambswool boots on her, but forgot her mittens. She was so cold! So I had to take her coat off of her and put it back on her w/o her arms in the sleeves so it would keep her hands warm. She was mad at first, but she got over it. Maybe I'll make some veggie soup w/ the leeks and other yummy things I got at the market...
I am excited today to go to a meeting for homebirths. Here in IL where I live, it is illegal for professional midwives to attend births in people's homes. CRAZY - it makes people either hire un-qualified providers in order to have a home birth, or they go in to the hospital where they are NOT comfortable, or they do it w/o a provider at all... none of which are good for mom or baby. So I"m going to the meeting and they will have a petition to sign for changing that. The vote in the state is supposed to be the end of NOV?
Gotta run - I want to get SOMETHING done for the house today!
Okay, so I'm in a bit of a crappy mood.
Rosie has NOT been sleeping because of all the previous teething/ illness and she got used to being rocked and attention in the middle of the night.
So i'm obviously very tired- DH is even more so. He has that weird thing where if he can't get a certain amount of sleep each day he's awful to be around...
Anyhow, last night was terrible. We decided to let her cry - to get over this "need" to be rocked. Well, DH kept complaining, so not only did I have to listen to my ONLY child cry for over an hour - but I had to listen to my DH complain the entire time too. I was SO mad! It felt like everyone was mad at me. i know it's not the case, but STILL
So then DH finally got so angry he got out of bed for a while. I got sick of hearing Rosie cry and DH complain, so I went in there, hugged Rosie and laid her back down. I stood there while my back ached BAD while stooping over the crib w/ my hand rubbing her back. After she finally fell asleep, I sat in the rocking chair in her room and cried. I just so badly want her and DH to be happy and it was so awful.
Then I kept thinking - HOW ON EARTH will DH ever change his mind (not that I actually expect him to) if she keeps on screaming in the night, not napping, etc.??? I started feeling somewhat mad at her for her behavior, like it was in some way her fault that I can't have another baby. It made me so upset to even think that I would THINK that! I also got really upset yesterday when I boxed up a few things for my friend to use w/ her baby. The infant car-seat winter fleece cover, the rear-view mirrors, the side sun shades, etc.
I'm finding myself super jealous about her and her 5 weeks till the happiest day of her life. And as I type this Rosie's crying in her sleep again
I'm feeling very stressed again and somewhat depressed. At least I have my family to look forward to - oh and I got in touch w/ 2 of my best friends from high school. One who I've known since I was probably 7. So that's a good thing right? right?
Well I guess I shoudl try to post here when I"m NOT feeling like crap - like everything sucks.....
Well today it does.
Rosie has been sick for almost a month - not sick exactly - just not herself. She grew 3 teeth, had a cold, got shots, had a reaction to the shots, got an ear infection, etc. And to top it all off, she decided that it's easier to scream than to try to communicate. SOOOO Dh is NOT one to listen to much screaming w/o going nutso, so when she starts screaming to get what she wants - he gives it to her... GREAT! (sarcastic) So now whenever she doens't get what she wants, she arches her back and screams and pitches a fit.... JOY!
So that means that DH is pissed because he had to listen to screaming all day - and so when I get home - what happens???
He leaves because he's had it (which I understand) but now she's screaming because he left, because I'm not holding her, or putting her down, or taking her outside etc. SORRY! So I spend nearly 2 hours trying to remind her that she knows how to ask to be picked up, set down, given food or drink etc. (she signs them) - and she pitches fit after fit... but eventually starts signing again. Then I get a phone call from MIL - she's doing okay - then DH gets back from his walk - and he keeps walking past her and going into rooms and shutting the door in her face and not talking to her at all - WHILE I"M on the phone w/ HIS mom! and so every time he shuts a door, Rosie screams and pitches a fit - and wants a hug, then wants down... and wants up and wants down. And then what happens? She finds the mean cat - sleeping on the diningroom chair - and reaches through the bars on the back of the chair and grabs a handful of kitty - and gets bit - HARD - yep 4 perfect fang marks around her forearm.
SCREAMING bloody murder - DH doesn't even come out of the office
His mom said she'll hang up and then asks if DH will talk to her (she knew he was in a pissy mood)... SO I go in to ask if he wants to talk to her and he gets all mad at me for even asking - and stomps in there and talks to her - the whole time - mad at me. While I wash the puncture wounds on Rosie's arm and get her ready for bed. THank goodness I put a long sleeve shirt on her - it just BARELY didn't break the skin...
And to top it all off, I not only had to come home late (at 5 instead of 3:30) because of a baby shower at work - which I'm insanely jealous of - even though she wants a natural birth and likely can't have one because her LO is breech right now... (not jealous of that - but I'd take a Csection if I could have another LO).... but it was SO hard to be happy for her all the while knowing it will never be me. Not that I want to be the center of attenion or EVER have another baby shower (I don't ) but because she has a wonderful round belly and she had no idea the joy she will have being a mommy. WHat am I saying? THis sucks - not the mommy part - but the dumb crap that sneaks in...
anyhow - that AND my boss comes in this afternoon (Principal) and she tells me that I'm getting a new student - GREAT! Now I not only didnt' have time afterschool to get his stuff ready, but I won't be able to get it done tomorrow morning likely either. Since DH is so pissy, I probably can't convince him into letting me go to work early to get stuff done. I still have to get the new kid a lunch card, name tag, hook tag, folder, turn stick, job board name, re-do the reading board, get his assessments pulled together and hopefully done etc. etc. etc.
NO STRESS HERE AT ALL!!!!
So I get online to let off some steam and DH watches TV. and crap is flying on my birth board. I am SO not in the mood. I have 2 e-mails from others that are having crappy days - and I really feel badly for them too - some of them are having worse days than me - believe it or not.
I finally go to bed - DH is already there. I try to be nice knowing he had a crappy day. It's awful hearing baby screams all day! I know! And I lay in bed next to him and he tells me how mad he is -how frustrated he is- and it's obvious to me that he's falling into another bout of depression. He was like this last Aug. and Sept.
It's AWFUL! I SO wish he wasn't prone to this. It makes me on edge and I'm sure it makes Rosie too.
I'm just sitting here crying because I tried to talk to him and help hiim to deal w/ Rosie when she is like that and his only comment was that he "can't wait till she starts school so he doesn't have to deal with her" OMG!!!
How could he say that??? I would do anything ANYTHING to be home with her and evne though the screaming would annoy the heck out of me - I'd rather not miss her growing up. I am just so sad. and mad. And the worst is that I KNOW that i'll never have another baby - he can't even handle ONE toddler - and she's usually so good.
She is just crabby from her cold, rash, teeth lately and it's all come one after the other that she's out of sorts and got into the bad habit of screaming to get what she wants. I finally got her out of doing that in the night. Now hopefully I can get her out of doing it during the day when I'm with her all weekend.
My family is coming next weekend after a 3 day week at school - so hopefully I can survive this spell and so can DH .
THIS SUCKS! but at least the cake I made for the shower was yummy - I get left overs tomorrow
Well today is getting a bit better. Rosie has decided to STTN again - thank goodness!!!!
BUT she is now into climbing - everything. The kitchen chairs, and table, the coffee tables, the baby gate (not over, just on), her toy tub, etc. And she loves to sit in the kitchen chairs and sit at the table like an adult and "read" mail and magazines. Tonight she sat there for about 1/2 hour and played playdough! She never even tried to eat it, which was surprising because she licks EVERYTHING else!
I also got a lot done today so I feel like things are a bit more positive. I planted over 100 bulbs in the yard. I can't wait for spring! I also cut down this hugely overgrown hedge in the front of our house - it looks SO much better! But now we have a giant pile of brush and decaying logs and I want them gone! We can't burn either... and the city won't pick it up, so I'm going to have to pay to have it removed.
But things are starting to look up in that respect. the house and yard is getting nicer.
Oh and I cleaned out the eaves and painted 3 windows too. I really want to put lights up around the windows on the porch. I'll probably have to wait till my family comes this weekend to help me with it.
OH AND! a new friend of ours that we just met, came over yesterday to "help" me complete the construction on our back entry closet. I got the rest of it framed and partially drywalled. She wanted to learn how to do framing and drywall so she can repair a spot in her wall where a fishtank used to be. She's really nice. It was fun, but I didn't get it completely done. I need to buy some shims to re-install the door frame and hang the door on it. I also need to get some lumber to re-frame the old door opening as an opening vs. a rough hole in the wall. Once that's done it should look GREAT! I can hardly wait. Having another closet and a more finished house will be so relaxing!
Well i just had a great time with my family for Thanksgiving. My mom, sister and grandparents came. I had them help me paint a mural for Rosie's room. Really it's just a big board that I'm going to have everyone in the family paint something on. I'm hoping that I can bring it with me to MI when I go for spring break so that Andy's granparents will be able to sign it. One set of them hardly ever travels, and the other set ... well let's just say, I don't expect them to visit seeing that they still have not met Rosie and she's 16 months old!
So for that, each person gets to paint one thing - anything they want. I painted a daisy, my sister painted a fence, my mom painted a rose, my grandma painted this flower with red hearts instead of flowers and the flower hearts spell LOVE and my grandpa painted a tennis racket.
I also just found out that my cousin is pregnant. She just found out a week or so ago. She is about 35 and has a 2 y.o. son. She was in the Business of Being Born movie... she's an actress who used to live in NYC and now is in Austin. I'm very excited for her, but also jealous. Rosie is almost exactly one year younger than her son Xander, and now she gets to have another. I'm REALLY hoping that at this time next year I'll be pregnant too.... but I doubt it. And then Rosie will be 3 when her sibling is born, just like Xander will be. I kinda wonder if my cousin will be doing a homebirth? That would be SO awesome!
Oh -and they owned this house in NJ, across the river from NYC, and they fixed it up and sold it for a ton of $, and so bought this GREAT house in Austin where the cost of living is so much less than NYC - I am so jealous of their house right about now. I would love a huge livingroom, spacious bedrooms, and no urgent repairs.... It's totally not fair that the people WITH the money don't have to spend extra $ on repairs, etc. It's just backward! The people w/o the money should be able to avoid paying for expensive stuff!
Okay, so I'm coming down with a cold, Rosie is stuffy, and she now has a wicked yeast rash from her antibiotics she just finished due to her previous ear infection things never let up!
AND it's supposed to snow - a lot - tonight. This will be the first snow this winter here where it sticks to the ground - and I'm excited that it will be Rosie's first snow that she remembers - but it also means that my students at school will be TERRIBLE and unruly, not only because it's been a 4 day weekend, but also the first snow AND then on Wednesday, I have a random parent coming in to observe my classroom to see if they think they want their kid to come to our school next year. I need to go into work and get a bunch of crap done which I have no desire to do. I hate this....
I'm going to go now to the job website for the city and local hospital and see if anything catches my eye.
Oh and there is going to be a Doula workshop here in my city this March and I REALLY want to go to it and get re-certified as a doula - but Andy is not on board. He does not want me to be on call. I am SO upset. i really want to be a doula. I think that is what I'm supposed to be - and I CAN'T be one with my current job. I need a job where i can just go in - do my work, come home and NOT think about my work 24/7... and where I can leave if I NEED to so I can still doula. I think my DREAM job would be as a pregnancy counselor when I go meet with clients on MY schedule and can doula when it works out. That would be GREAT!
But alas.. I'm stuck here in this staleness... but at least it's reliable. If I do what I WANT to do - there is no job security.. funding varies from year to year, maybe even day to day. I think I need more security than that. I wish I didn't though.
well I have come to the conclusion that Dh will never get it. He doesn't understand my desire to be a doula, and when I asked him to watch Rosie this afternoon, he didn't understand when I told him that he could go to the library first and then watch her because she needed a nap and shouldn't be out on a walk in the cold when it's her nap time. She slept for almost 2 hours, which she would not have done if he had taken her with him.... so then he gets home and I tell him that I decided that I'm sad about the whole doula thing, frustrated and disinterested in my job etc. and that I am not going to go in to work and get stuff done - I just don't want to. i have no desire to be there on the weekend. And he basically just shrugs it off and tells me that I have a good deal as a teacher and get lots of vacations. True, but if you don't like it - how is it a good deal? Maybe I'd like it better if I was a single grade teacher vs. a split grade teacher. I kinda hope that the kindergarten coordinator job opens back up and I can do that instead. It would give me much more flexibility, more $ and though it would be more time - I'd be able to doula with it as well....
I just hate things right now. I suppose I'm not helping though. DH seems frustrated with me, he just wants to write for joy - and I want him to, but I get no breaks. He doesn't get the breaks he wants either. So he's mad. I just wish he'd realize that he has a sweet deal he gets to do what he likes, and watch Rosie. He sees watching her as "being stuck" and not getting to be what he wants. I feel the same way - I just want to do something I like, something fun, something that seems worth my time.
Rosie was airing out because of her yeast rash and just peed on the upholstered kitchen chair, pulled the cat's tail and Andy just came shouting at me - not really at me, but to me about how he can't stand this. Oh and she was playing with a gourd, DH put it on the bathroom counter, and the cat knocked it into the toilet, Rosie fished it out, and tried to eat it... then he just stripped R naked and is letting her run around and ignoring her. gotta go. my job to do something about it.
Life sucks. I hate so much right now. It's sad really. the only things that keep me going at this point are Rosie, my family, and the hope that one day I'll get to do what I want with my life.
I am incredibly saddened by DH. He is so unwilling to see the good in our daughter and our lives - which in turn makes me feel the same way. It feels like I spend all day at work waiting for the moment I get to go home and see Rosie and him, and he spends all day waiting for me to come home so he can get rid of her and go into a room and shut the door on the world. I can't take it anymore. I'm not in any mood to even eat. I cried for about 1/2 hour while I folded laundry. Do you know why? it's because I folded DH's shirt - the t-shirt that he wore the day our daughter was born. I remembered how he cried when he first held her, and how great he has been... and I feel such loss for that. He still is a good dad, but lately he's been increasingly NOT enjoying being home with her.
Last night he said that if he could get a job where someone would pay him to do what HE wants, he'd do and and let me stay home w/ Rosie. I WISH WISH WISH that could be the case, but I know him. Not only will he not look for that job, but I also know that it doesn't exist. He is a GREAT writer and his is SO smart, but he is also obstinent and won't take well to ANY job where he has to have regular hours, and isn't able to be creative. I kinda wish he'd get a job as a librarian, where he could do some of the writing he loves, and get to help others find the joy of reading and he would get to share the info he knows and loves. But, he does not have a degree in it, so he could not get librarian pay - just book shelver pay. It sucks. And even if that job was available to someone with an associates degree, he wouldn't go for it.
I think I may take a stand, and sign up for the doula training. AND I am seriously thinking of contacting some midwives and seeing if they will let me shadow them for a few weeks this summer. I just need something different. I also think that I will look into becoming a kindergarten transition coordinator for next school year. I'd have the flexibility of working "other" hours and being able to come and go (thus allowing me to doula). I'm not sure how secure that job is though. Right now we don't have one at our building, and the one we did have last year was forced to teach first grade this school year - at last minute. They have not filled her job, and I should check w/ my principal about when they expect to do that if I could PLEASE apply!
I know my MIL was a nurse for a long time and said that it is very stressful and un-ending during the busy times. And I get that, but she worked in a doctor's office - for kids with cancer. I think that I'd like to be a RN for L&D, which would only be busy when there is a full moon
Anyhow. I'm so drained, bored, and indifferent about life. If it wasn't for Rosie and my mom, sister, etc. I would NOT have any reason to even get out of bed each day.
Last night I put Rosie to bed, she did not go right to sleep, and started crying. i tried to get on here to talk to myself and take a moment to think... so I asked DH to go in and rock her for a few minutes. He tried - sort of, but after about 4 minutes of her crying and him not attempting to comfort her %100, she freaked and I had to go in and rock her for another 15 minutes and she was out. I then brushed my teeth and went to bed. Didn't even feel like saying goodnight to DH . I am just peeved that he is behaving the way he is. I know that a lot of it is his winter depression, and the doctor didn't listen to him last week when he asked her for help. This is a REAL thing for him. I need him to have help. I am not able to sit here and see this day after day. I just want it to go away. I want the school year to get over with. I want a different job, I want DH to feel like he is accomplishing something so he is less likely to be depressed. I want him to want another child. I miss what I had at my old job in VA. I had a great job, a great assistant, a wonderful social worker, the ability to come and go so I could doula, and a house that needed no repairs. Yes there were a lot of things that I hated.... like the distance from my family, the hard red clay that didnt' even grow grass, the long commute, and the shallow friendships I made. But the good things were so good. Here there are good things too.... real friendships and a roof over my head, closer to family, etc. but it's just not the same. I don't get to BE who I want to be. I just have to live in a vaccuum.
Time to wake up the sunshine of my life from her nap. I should probably eat something. nothing sounds edible today.
Well things are going better. DH has been in a better mood for the last 2 days - which makes just being home like a whole new world. I really am hoping that this bout of depression he's going through is on it's way out. It sure seems like it. Now if I could just get Rosie to go to sleep like she used to. I used to read her 2 stories, rock her and sing to her for maybe 3 minutes and then lay her down 1/2 awake and she'd go to sleep on her own. Now I can still do that, but 5 mintues later - she is pissed and screaming and throws her pacifier across the room and kicks her crib rails HARD. And then I have to go back in there to settle her. I've tried just letting her cry for a bit, but she just gets more and more mad and starts gagging....
I can tell for sure that I'm stressed, not that it's a secret, but my nails grow SUPER fast when I'm stressed, and I swear they grew 1/4 inch this week
I am still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for x-mas time. DH's family wants us to come for x-mas eve, and I would ideally like to go to MI to see my dad, and possibly DH's grandparents (although I think they go south during that time). It just seems like a lot to do and as much as I'd love to travel, there's the little thing of a toddler AND trying to find someone to babysit our 2 cats.
Oh well, we'll figure it out eventually.
OH - today i took Rosie to bedtime story time at the library. She loved it and was hugging all the boys, and even kissed one little boy on the lips BUT there was this family there that really bothered me. I guess I'm just judgemental... but both parents were there with their 20-22ish month old kid. He was really cute and smart. But during the story time, the librarian does stories, then songs, then at the end, instruments. Well they let their kid go over and grab the instruments and run around playing them. And then she started telling him to pass out the intstruments to the other kids. Everyone else was upset because it was loud and the kids were not able to hear the stories. Evenutally the librarian put them away.... and got them out later. Then after story time, the mom is talking to another mom that she knows and tells her that she is expecting. (she's only 7 weeks) so why she's telling the world is beyond me... Anyhow, he husband starts spouting off how he "knows it's a girl" and he can't wait to have a delicate tiny girl who is coy and neat... So his wife continues talking to the other woman and is asked how she's feeling about the pregnancy... and she says that they are both excited and nervous. And the husband interrupts and says, "I'm not nervous at all.. we're going to have a tiny baby girl and it's going to be so easy!" Maybe for him! It's his wife that is going to go into labor etc. Makes me so mad!
Okay vent over - time for shower and bed. Night!
Well I'm back. DH started feeling like himself (and acting like himself) only a few days after my last post. It has been a HUGE improvement and things are so much better!
However, he is in another paranoia spurt about accidentally getting preggo. So now we are back to not DTD at all again So 2 nights ago we had a LOOOOOOOONG talk at bedtime about how that's not fair, and how it makes me feel very left out in our relationship and how he is scared of another LO. I told him that I very much want one more, and if we did have another, I'd get snipped. That I don't want him getting snipped till we BOTH can figure out how to deal with the feelings about NOT getting what we want. No matter what one of us will be sad for the rest of our lives unless one of us has a change of heart. I will be sad forever that I don't have 2 children, and Rosie has no siblings. He will be sad forever thinking that he had to give up too much and won't be able to handle raising 2 kids at the same time.
I seriously hope he changes his mind because I see it taking me YEARS and YEARS and possibly forever for me to get over it. But I also will not bring another child into this world whose father resents them. There are enough sad cases in this world as it is. I still hold out hope for TTC on my next birthday. That would give me an EDD of our 12th anniversary(ish) and me getting a bit more than 3 months home before I'd have to go back to work.
Oh and I got my retirement notice today in the mail. If I work 5 years, I will get almost 2k a month starting when I turn 50... I think.... plus I'm vested in retirement in VA too, so I'll also get that $ - which helps because we have very little saved for retirement. I hope to save more soon. But this just makes me want to work another 3 1/2 years as a teacher, then I will get that no matter what my next job in life is.
I am going to sign up for the DONA workshop this week and I'll just doula during the summers and as back-up for others in the meantime.