Thread: This has to be it....

Well my friend from work was supposed to have a c-section Friday. Haven't gotten an e-mail from her yet. I hope everything went okay. I know she is super disappointed.
So I am reeling in happiness for my cousin (the one who was in the BOBB documentary). She is pregnant again. I know I mentioned that before. Also a woman from my birth board who's son was stillborn is likely pregnant as well - which has just made my whole week!

I on the other hand am not pregnant - and still wish I was. I think I volunteered DH and I to babysit a little girl Friday night. We still have no cat sitter though, so am not sure that we'll be able to go to CHI to visit the IL's and to MI to see the family in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully our neighbor will be able to watch them for a few days so we can have a vacation.

So last night we had nachos and we had left-overs. I just put them in the warming over at 11 for lunch. I forgot about them. I just now took them out at 1:30 - they're warm

so if any of you have the power of a miracle, the power to make magic 8 balls predictions come true, a magic wand, etc. Please make my dream come true. It's the ONE thing that is REALLY weighing on me. Becoming a mom of 2. Who knows, maybe I shouldn't stress about it. Maybe if I wait another couple years DH will change his mind AND homebirths will be legal here. Then I can have the best of both worlds!
Doubt it -but a girl can dream right?

Okay, I've figured it all out - I've decided what I need. I need answers and assurance. I need to have one of the following promised to me so i can feel like I have something to look forward to: that I will get to be a doula again, I will get to train to be a CPM, I will be able to have another child, or I will be able to have a job where I can help pregnant women. It is my passion, my goal, my dream, and I just feel like in my current situation, that I am not allowed to do any of them. Some are due to DH, some are due to my job, some are due to $ or time, I just want SOMETHING to change so something CAN change. I want to live my dream, but doesn't everyone? I have a woman I plan to call.i had hoped to call her tonight after I put Rosie to bed, but she wouldn't go to sleep till an hour past her bedtime, so now it's 9, instead of 8 and too late to call.
Anyway, this woman had what I see as my dream life. She stayed home and raised her 3 children (I'd love this!) and then went to work as a L&D nurse for about a decade or so, and then the last 5 years worked as a staff doula at the hospital. They have since removed the doula program w/ the funding cuts, and now she is "retired" and works for herself as a doula and does childbirth education classes as well. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to spend my life and my days as she has. I have talked with her by e-mail a couple times and she said she'd meet up with me sometime to talk shop I'm so excited to talk about what I love with a real human being. I haven't done that in a year since I left VA and our birthcircle meetings.

I still hold a sliver of hope for a 2nd child. I feel like I need DH to get over his depression and his hang ups once and for all. RARELY, but occasionally I wish in the back of my mind that he would be a "regular" guy who spends way too much time watching sports, works a regular job, and I would get to be a SAHM, doula and mom to 2.5 kids. But life is what you make it. i chose him for all the right reasons and I can't look back or hope that things are different. I love him with all my heart, it's just sometimes I think that the grass is always greener.

I guess I'm a bit peeved because I had hoped to spend a good time with his family on x-mas eve, then have that night and the next morning to ourselves while his family went to church and we stayed behind. But he's been so defensive about religion (since he gave up on god and became atheist) that he makes his mom very uncomfortable since she is still very religious. she asked that we not come till afternoon on the 25th so that she (and he) can avoid those feelings. I feel left out. It's not even my family and it shouldn't matter, but it does.

I don't really know what got into me. I just blew up at DH. I slammed the door in his face. I don't usually do things like this and I think that it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm just sick of feeling like I never get to do any fun stuff. I'm always in mommy mode, or wife mode, or cook mode, or teacher mode, that i never get to be ME mode. I spent ALL day watching Rosie - in fact the last 3 days. Don't get me wrong, I loved every minute, but I just wanted to go see SOMEONE, to DO something that I wanted to do. So I went to the store, had photos printed and need to wait 1 hour till they will be ready. So I got home and made a plate of cookies to bring to the neighbors. I asked DH to walk over there with me and give them the cookies. I asked him to get Rosie ready and then we'd go. He said that he wanted to take the trash out, but got her ready. I was SO excited to have him come with me to sort of break the ice w/ the nieghbors since he sees them all the time. He gets to be friends with them because they have playgroup together 2-3 times a week. I on the other hand never get to go anywhere. And though we've lived here a year now, I have NO friends really. It sucks. I just wanted to go over there, bring cookies and MAYBE get to talk to real humans for once about NOTHING related to my job. I feel like I never get what I want to do. Andy refused to put his coat on, he refused to go with me. So I slammed the door in his face when he went out to take out the trash. I was just mad and sad and frustrated. Rosie had her hat, coat and boots on, so did I, I was all ready to go - and he was being a jerk. Now it's dinner time and we can't go. He says that they would probably prefer a morning visit, which I get, but I just really needed to talk to someone today. He's back in his office right now STILL since 7am, writing. I think I'm going to have to ask him to stop writing so much. I know he's just doing it because he can, and because he won't be able to next week while we visit people. Part of me just wants to run away - to take Rosie and start over with everything - new job, new house, new friends, new DH attitude, everything.
If I could have my dream I would do this: DH would work enough (or make enough $ so I didn't have to teach anymore), and I'd be a doula, I'd have 2 kids, and I'd be the one to take Rosie to playgroup, I'd teach childbirth classes in the evenings, I'd get to garden and sew and sell things I make. Ah, a dream life is such great things!
I am just DONE with DH's attitude. We can't even go to his mom's for x-mas eve family time because of his bad attitude. His mom asked that we didn't come. When my family was here, he was only around 1/4 of the time. I just want the cleaver family life you know? Oh well....

I'm sitting here with a sinus infection that I can't fix because it's too darn icy out to go anywhere, and I'm hoping that it gets better tomorrow so I can go in, but it's x-mas eve, and I'm not even sure they will be open

Anyway, DH is being VERY defensive and I'm getting tears in my eyes just sitting here. I asked him to give Rosie a bath because my back has been hurting and he hasn't done it in ages. So he gets her ready and I happen to go into the bathroom just as he's setting things out so I can blow my nose, and he's set out regular clothes for her, not PJ's. Now normally I wouldn't mind, but we are leaving in 2 days and will be gone 7 days and I want to make sure that her regular clothes are not all dirty in the hamper when we are trying to pack, so I tell him this and go trade the clothes for PJ's and he gets all mad at me. I'm SO ticked that he doesn't want to try to understand. He goes off on me telling me that he doesn't want me to tell him how to do everything etc. I have NOT told him how to do everything - just ONE thing, and I gave a reason. I'm so annoyed. I need this vacation. I DON'T need this cold!

I just want this to end. This crappy stuff. ugggh!

Okay, I just got home from 7 days on the road. Really we spent 2-3 days w/ the IL's and 4-5 days w/ my dad and everyone else on the planet. It was a good time, but a lot of running around and now i'm tired and I only get one day at home to relax before I have to start going back in to work to get my classroom ready for Monday.

I can't believe it's 2009 already - and my baby will be 2 this year Where did the time go? I'm so annoyed that I still have no prospects of a sibling for her. I still am sad about not feeling like I'm doing my dream job, like something else is also missing. But I DO like my job as a teacher - I just need a bit more. I think I'd LOVE it if I could just also be a doula, so I'm still working on that.

Oh - and DH said something weird today. We were talking about how my grandma and my aunt never let my grandpa or uncle get any pets because they didn't like them. How it was always a sad thing for my grandpa that he never had a pet. He LOVES cats and never was allowed to have one. He is now suffering from alzhimers and I think a pet would really benefit him. But my grandma won't allow it.

So DH's comment was : if it was that important for him, she should have let him have a pet. Cats aren't a big deal - they only live to get about 14-18 or so, and they would give him so much joy........ and all I could think was that I feel that way about TTC a sibling for Rosie. I DO feel so strongly about it - and I wish he could have heard himself. I SO badly wanted to tell him that It wasn't any different on how I feel -but I KNEW he'd just have a huge deal about it. I'm waiting to talk to him about it till later. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to TTC this summer/fall. THen I will gladly get a tubal. I only want 2. and it would be perfect timing. I would be able to keep my job, not take off too much time, have the summer off with the baby, etc. etc. etc. and I could always go back to school to change jobs - but hopefully by then I could get the job of the kindergarten coordinator and not have to worry at all!
WIsh me luck - send me good vibes, do whatever you can to get this to happen - a true DREAM COME TRUE!!!

Well I'm feeling rather crappy today. I have cramps and I got an e-mail of a GREAT diaper sale, and if I thought I would EVER have another child, I would buy them. But I'm sitting here wallowing because I have to endure the next 20 years or so of these nasty cramps and for what? I swear if I had just one more child I would get a partial hysterectomy. I wish there was something that could occur that would make everything okay and DH would agree go TTC next summer.
Perhaps a new job w/ more $, flexible hours etc? Perhaps all the house debt gone and everything fixed up so we can do that addition of a 2nd floor and have plenty of room? What about it all? Yes, why can't I have it all?

well I guess I'll just keep trudging along. I told DH the other night that I'm going to stay in my current job till I have retirement benefits - another 3 1/2 years, then I'm going to look into going to nursing school - or possibly midwifery school. Heck, who knows? Maybe by then CPM's will be legal in all 50 states, including mine and I can work on doing that? Ah well, I've got to have something to look forward to. Cramps for no reason isn't one of them.

I am having a hard time right now emotionally - a good friend of mine from work's son died on Friday. He was 23. He fell and then had a series of very bad strokes. IT is SO sad. When I was talking with her Sunday - she was going back and forth from laughing and crying. I don't blame her in the least. She is an amazing woman and mother. I'm going to the wake on Wednesday.

Everywhere I look, there are pregnant women and babies. I am jealous and proud of them and happy for them, and sad for me, and every kind of emotion all at once. WHen I talked to my friend at work, she looked me in the eyes - with tears in hers and told me never to regret a day of my life. To live it for my family and my children, to do what I love. And she knows that I want to be a doula - she told me to make it happen - because it is SO important to not have to come to a day like she is in - and regret things, regret the way my days were spent, regret the time I didn't have to spend with my children, etc.
I just feel so strongly that I will have one more - but knowing full well congnitively that I won't. It's so bitter sweet. But I went to the store tonight and there was this newborn sized shirt on the rack - on clearance because it was left over from winter? halloween? who knows. It was Carters brand and it was pastel green and white striped with a cute little picture on it and it said "my little monster" on the chest. I bought it. I just feel like maybe having this will somehow help me get over NOT having another child. I don't know how exactly - but for some reason I feel a bit of peace knowing that it's hidden away in the closet. I know that DH would be peeved and in no way understand - so I hid it from him. I hate feeling like I have to hide it from him.
I AM looking forward to holding a tiny baby soon. My friend from work's baby is just 5 weeks old and I will go see her on Friday. I can't wait! It's been since Rosie was born since I've held a little one. Really since I've held any other baby than her. I also can't wait to talk to my friend about mamahood, teaching, her birth experience etc. I know it was not what she wanted since she had to have a c-section 2 weeks before her due date because of breech and low fluids, but things are good now and I am so happy to get to talk with her.
Oh and I did sign up for the doula class. I also talked to someone today about the kindergarten coordinator job. Sounds like they are thinking of phasing it out all together within a year or so. SUCKS! I want that job so bad. Guess I'll keep looking for something else. IT would be great if it was through the district though so that I could still have holidays and summers off - although I'd just take the 7 1/2 hour days instead of 9 hour days.
I wonder if I got a job where I could come home for feedings and be on call as a doula - if DH would change his mind about TTC another? Nope - he wouldn't. I think my only hope SERIOUSLY is if he sells his novel - so everyone keep your fingers crossed for me okay? Anyone know any agents? If he sold his book - and made enough - I could stay home for a year or two and maybe have one more? Ah well... day dreaming again.
Rosie wouldn't go to sleep tonight - but it's because she took a nap from 4:30 -5:30 and then she wasn't tired for bed, so I tried to put her to bed an hour late at 8:30 -but she just talked to herself for 40 minutes till she finally got peeved and then I had to go rock her for 10 more minutes and she just fell asleep.

Okay - I had the weirdest dream last night - that DH and I had DTD w/o protection, he meant to pullout, but didn't and then basically just got a surprised look on his face, then said - "who cares - the chances aren't too high anyway" - but then fast forwarded a couple months and no AF and I found out I was pregnant and was too scared to tell him because I thought he'd freak.
I think I had this dream last night because we were looking at our friend Carla's blog - she just had a new baby girl. It was so sweet to see, and DH looked at all the pics, read the birth story and everything. THen I clicked on a link in her blog that goes to a children's photography studio. I was not overly impressed w/ the pics, but again - DH looked at all the pics with me - and there were hundreds - either he was extremely bored, or was feeling unusually baby happy at the moment. I'm hoping for the latter, but assuming the worst. GEEZ how I wish he'd change his mind. I love this journal because if I mentioned TTC to him every time it crossed my mind - he'd be so sick of it by now - he'd leave
Anyway I'm SO excited! I get to take Rosie to a random stranger's house and get a ride on trike for her. I posted on freecycle that we were looking for one and this woman e-mailed and said she had 5 and R could choose which one she wanted. I'm so excited! Rosie has been trying to ride everything in sight since she tried out a push car at the discovery museum. I hope they are in okay shape - I've gotten some great stuff from freecycle before - like the PNp that I got for FREE that is like new! I use it all the time when we travel.
Well R is avoiding her nap - so I'm going to go back in there and remind her that it's rest time. Ciao!

SO I am so fed up with the people on freecycle. this one woman offered me a ride-on toy for R and we made an appointment for me to go pick it up - I drive all the way out there (20 mins. each way) and she wasn't even home. GRRRR> But I guess it's just as well because her yard was NASTY - I don't think I'd want R to play with anything that came from her house. She had 4 dogs barking in one window, and 6 nasty looking cats in the other window. There were toys and trash all over the yard, and believe it or not - there was rotting food on the front porch (which was also full of beat up toys and junk). THere was a package of sliced cheese, several containers (full) or refrigerated dinner rolls, and a rotting apple.
So anyway, DH's aunt sent R some $ for x-mas and I used it (and some of our own money) to order her a wheely bug. I'm so excited for her to get it next weekend

So I'm O'ing and it makes me sad. I want to TTC - but even if DH would say yes today- I wouldn't. It is such bad timing with $ and work and everything. He's got R right now in the yard, pulling her all around on her sled. She LOVES it - but she's got a head cold, so they're only going to be out there a minute - nevermind they're in.

So I was thinking of going to MW school - Ideally I would train to be a CNM, but then apprentice w/ a CPM (hopefully by then CPM's are legal in this state) and then I would do primarily home births, but some hospital births too. Ideally I'd work in an OB office - have them deal w/ the insurance claims, carry the malpractice insurance, provide backup and I can take clients with homebirth or hospital goals. Still in the thinking process though.

I also am trying to figure out logistically how a 2nd baby would fit into all this. I think that the sooner the better - because I figure on teaching at least another 5 years. That would give me time to get the education I need and have my babies more independent (and in school). As far as space in our house - they could share a room till that point, then hopefully I'd make enough $ that we could do a roof tear off and add a 2nd floor. The upstairs would have the 2 kids rooms and a play room and a full bath. Possibly a library too and a storage area. We would keep our room downstairs. It's small, but who cares - you just sleep there right? and DH could keep his office bedroom and the middle room would be a sewing room and guest room. Ah, I love day dreaming. Also - as far as caring for them, by the earlies that we'd have another - R would only be a month or two away from her 3rd B-day which means she'd likely be PT'd and able to communicate and help out. Also be able to understand things like - wait, later, how to nap SO I personally don't think it would be too overwhelming. Dh on the other hand is a different story. And by the time I was a MW - the kids would be 5 and 2, which again is easier to deal with -one in K, and one at home. and I could more easily be on call.
Oh and I was browsing websites last night looking for the ride-on toy and saw great strollers, etc. And I got to thinking that I should make diaper cakes and sell them locally. I could make some good $ doing it. The one I made for my friend's shower a couple months ago turned out really cute and it was fairly cheap considering how much they go for! I saw them for $80-$120 online. And I'd want to use the chlorine free diapers - which are about $12 - then ribbon - $3, and some little toys and a bottle of lotion $15 - so for about $30 I could get about $50-$80 profit. Sounds pretty good - but I'd have to put $ upfront. I think maybe I could make a website for it and tell people I know in the area and see if it takes off.
gotta run - R is sick and crabby adn not letting DH put her down for a nap. She knows I'm here.

Well, I've had a cold the last week or so, Things have been hectic but good. i'm trying to get a lot of rest and it seems to be helping. I took Rosie to her 18 month appt. They lied to me and gave her more shots that I had wanted. I'm going to look for a new Pedi for her. She is now 35 inches tall and almost 26 lbs. SHe's the size of the average 2 1/2 year old. Which is why she is nearly the same size as our neighbor's girl - who is a year older than her
I got our livingroom walls painted last week and it makes a big difference. I want to do Rosie room next - and then finish DH's office. We'll do our bedroom last. Things are starting to come together. I'm hoping that somehow I'll be able to save up $ and pay off the credit card thing (special no interest thing we did for our new appliances) before it's due up in June. Then save more $ to try to convince DH that we CAN afford one more baby and then agree to get the snip surgery for myself (or essure)

It's snowing and cold, but I've got to go to work and make some copies, then I need to pick up some milk for R. I hope that my friend is at work when we go - she loves seeing R and her son died 2 weeks ago. She's been asking me to see R since then.

Last night I cut up and cooked our pumpkin. This morning I made some pumpkin muffins, which R ate 2 of already! SHe loves those things. DH is currently sweeping the fluffy snow off the drive so I can leave. I love running errands sometimes. Gives me and R a change of scenery when the weather isn't perfect.

Rosie has been very sweet to her baby dolls. I can only imagine how great she would be as a big sister. Today she found her baby doll, then dropped it, picked it up and rubbed it's head and kissed it to make it feel better. Then she gave it a sip of milk from her cup and wrapped it in a blanket and laid it down on the sofa for a nap - gave it a kiss and said "night night". It was SO sweet!

Dh has been really sweet lately too. Letting me sleep extra and making me soup to make my sinuses feel better. I keep looking online for job prospects since the kindergarten coordinator job isn't likely to be renewed. I was going to ask my principal to keep me posted on any other similar job - but she just got diagnosed w/ colon cancer and will be out of school for most of the rest of the year. I don't need to add to her stress at all.

I still thing about midwifery, but I am also scared of that responsibility of the lives of mothers and babies.