Okay so I think i've decided what the rest of my life is going to be like:
Here's the deal. If it were %100 up to me, this is what I'd do. I would get pregnant this summer, have the baby next spring. In the meantime I'd take 1-2 classes at the community college to get my RN. I'd continue working on my RN and teaching until that baby is about 2. By then R would be 5. Then I'd send her off to kindergarten while I work on getting my CNM degree. I figure by the time R is 7, baby is 4, I'll be finding a CNM job and not teaching anymore. THEN we will do a huge renovation on our house and add a 2nd floor (or tear-down and re-build) They would be able to share a room till then. I will hopefully be making enough $ to pay for the renovations and pay off my student loans. I'll be working in an office w/ 3-6 other docs/midwives and I'll only be oncall 2-3 days a week. And I'll have 2 days off a week and a month in the summer. Oh, and lose the weight and eat more organics.
Now to get there this is my "to-do" list:
1) visit/apprentice w/ a local CNM to make sure it's what I want to do (March)
2) Take a class or two this summer (May-July '09)
3) get DH to agree to baby #2, TTC and get preggo (July-Sept)
4) teach during the school year - take 1-2 classes a semester (Aug-April '10)
5) Have baby and stay home (April-July '10)
6) Go back to teaching + take remaining classes for my RN (Aug-July '11)
7) Take RN exam and be done w/ that degree (July '11)
8 ) Go back to teaching - Rosie would be in Pre-K. Start courses for CNM Master's degree. (Aug-May)
9) Take lots of summer courses for the CNM (June/July '12)
10) Teach this one last year - Rosie starts Kindergarten - baby #2 is 3 and in preschool a few days a week. We make plans for addition to house. Finish MS degree and CNM liscence (Aug-June '13 or '14)
11) Get CNM job in Aug. '13 or '14
Now I understand that this is very ambitious seeing that as a full time student it would take almost 2 years for the AA degree and another 2 years for the MS degree - and I'd only be part time, I think (hope) I could do it in 4-5 years and move on to the next part of my life. By '14 by babies would be 7 &4.
Ah, how perfect. At least in my dreams.
I have no idea how to get DH on board with it because I'm pretty sure he'd NOT agree to step #3 and therefore would not have step #5 but who knows right?
I just want a happy life for me and my family. I want a sibling for R> I want a secure financial future for all of us, I want my kids to grow up with eachother and with a fun and loving house.
Well, Rosie puked all over my bed, a basket of clean laundry, DH and the bathroom.
As soon as that was over, she wiped her hands in it and laughed. So I cleaned her up and the bathroom, DH cleaned up the bedroom and started the laundry. She has been happy since. I rocked her to bed as usual and she seems fine. I HOPE she stays fine. I really am dreading her getting the stomach bug that everyone on the planet seems to have already had.
I am still thinking about being a midwife. But what really worries me is - what if I do all this work, spend 5 years training and taking classes, then I can't find a job? What then? I don't want to move again. But maybe it would take that. I talked to Andy about it more yesterday and he was trying to be supportive - I think. I mean he wants me to be happy, he wants us not to have to worry about $ as much as we have to now, but he still doesn't like the idea of me being on call.
I tried calling the midwife contact's secretary today - to see what hoops I have to jump through to shadow him, but she had taken the day off - so now I have to wait.
I just feel like I need answers NOW. I want to move on with my life.
I did get a great evaluation from my principal today at my mid-year review. She almost never gives "excellents" - but I got 6 (out of 15) and that is really great I think. Everything else was great too, no bad comments etc.
Sometimes I think maybe I should just stick it out forever in the school system - because basically once I'm tenured, they can't fire me and I'm guaranteed money till I retire. But I also feel like I long to do something else.
So every day that I wish I could talk to DH about TTC this summer - something happens. Today Rosie didn't take a nap at all - till I got home at 4:30 - and then she puked all over. Yesterday she was whiny and clingy (either from teething or starting to be sick?) but what do you do? There is always going to be something. I so BADLY want to say something like: see hun? she is such a good girl and she's so easy to deal with most of the time, by the time the baby would arrive, she'd be 3, and it would give her a sibling to play with which would take the pressure off of you somewhat, she will have a best friend to grow up with etc. - but NO - things have to happen to make those statements seem unreal. Oh well. I should quit wishing. Plus we are super tight on money lately - not bad, we can pay all our bills, but still. AND we had lots of shares of stock in a certain company - they used to be about $50 a share way back when we got them - now they are only worth $1 each. so the retirement fund is looking slim - and we think of that as our emergency fund. AND also, when I got DH to agree to TTC #1, we had 5-6 months of income in savings, and I had tenure at my job, and I made more $ per month, and insurance was less and better (and covered maternity) and midwives for homebirth were legal in our state, and, and and......
I should go to bed, I have a feeling it will be a long night.
Okay, well not much additional news. I'm still thinking about MW-ing. STill haven't been able to get ahold of the person at the clinic so I can observe. I hope I can get through on Monday. Parent teacher conferences went well. I was slightly frustrated though because I had 2 parents show up w/o an appointment, but at least they came - but it put a damper in my plans to clean up and get stuff done for next week.
I'm really quite sad right now because it's VERY obvious that i'm ovulating, DH wasn't interested in DTD at all - which is fine, but I always secretly hope that he'll change his mind one time and want to DTD - and me be O'ing and catch it. Rosie is being so good. She was crabby a few nights ago with her teething, but is great now. DH just put her down for a nap. I'm going over to a friend's house on Thursday and bringing dinner. She just had her 3rd and last child last month. We get so see her. I can't wait to hold a new baby again. I hope that Andy and Rosie show an interest in the baby and he changes his mind. Also another neighbor from playgroup had her second child on Wednesday. She named him River. I think it's a great name. Their first born is named Asher. I just have a feeling that if I am ever lucky enough to have another child - it would be a girl. Don't know why I feel that way, but I do. I felt that way about Rosie for years before we conceived her. I even bought a little girl outfit from ON that was on super clearance - about 4 years before she was born.
Rosie has been communcating a lot more lately. SHe now says doll, dog, sticker, bubbles, up, car, bike, and a lot more. She's even lately been starting to copy what we say when we ask her to - before she wouldn't. She'd just say the words she wanted to at a later time. It's really neat watching her.
Yesterday I took her to the pool and got a family pass for the year. It was $160 that I don't really have right now, but they are raising the rates next month and so I'm seeing as I saved $20. I know we'll go all the time, it's only 6 blocks away and she loved it. She hasn't been swimming in quite a while, so she was a bit nervous in the water. I'm hoping to teach her to kick her legs and blow bubbles in the water to get her ready to start swimming.
I also had to spend another $150 today on kitty litter, kitty food, wood trim for the house, and paint for the bathroom and a new light fixture for the front stoop. It adds up so fast! I mean all I got was a gallon and a pint of paint, 2 disposable paint trays, 2 roller re-fills, 2 door stops, and 4 strips of trim moulding. It's crazy! I have to get the taxes done, and I think I'm going to send it to my mom to do. She is usually crazy bored at work, and I'm sure it would keep her looking busy till April. Also, I don't have the time or mental energy for it right now. I just hope we get a lot of $ back so I can pay off the credit card before it's due w/ the June thing when I bought our appliances. I'd also love to get a smaller TV that doesn't need the converter box and bring my old one to school for use there.
The yard is a mess w/ all the pallets left over from the previous owner - who used them to build make-shift wood storage huts. I've got to re-post it on free cycle and craig's list. I want them GONE!
Oh and there was this 12 foot tall tree stump that was rotting in the back yard - it's about 2-3 feet in diameter. Well it's been really rainy here lately and wet and the other day we had a LOT of wind - well it fell over and is laying up against a much smaller tree. I called a tree service to come and remove it - they said to take that out and the other tree by the driveway - it would be $325! OMG! I'm feeling like this is a total money pit. I know it's not much in the grand scheme of things, but I sure could use that MW salary right about now.
I just finished reading Labor Of Love by Cara Mulhahan -who is the MW in the documentary THe Business of Being Born. I really enjoyed reading it - she sure does have an interesting life. IN the last chapter she talked about how she wants partners and apprentices in her practice as a homebirth MW - part of me in my head said "ME ME - pick ME!" but there is no way I'd move to Manhattan! I can't stand big cities - adn sure she does 8-10 births a month at $5k - $10k each - she's LOADED, but compared to the cost of living in Manhattan - she's poor. It's weird to me that $5 here is not the same thing as $5 a few hours from here.
I'm thinking about getting ahold of the underground MW who lives a block from me. homebirth is illegal here, but she still practices and I have been thinking about tagging along with her some to see what I think. It would be an interesting experiment none-the-less. I've only met her once and although she seems nice enough, she's not my type of personality, so I'm not sure if I will call her.
Oh - and that DARN ground hog (or maybe opossum) dug another hole next to the foundation of my house. I put a big cinderblock over it. I may have to borrow some dog crap from the neighbor to sprinkle along that side of the house - to possibly deter it? I tried calling the trappers - they caught one opossum, but never got the groundhog. I'm weary of calling them back because they never billed me for the first visit -and I'm glad - I don't have $120 to pay them for one lousy opossum. But I NEED this groundhog EVICTED! Oh well. I'll try throwing a nasty stinky $1 store bar of soap down his hole, or possibly a smoke bomb.... hmmm.... Nah, I'm probably just going to get a bunch of chicken wire and cover the ground with it next to that side of the house and then plant moss or something on top of it.
Okay - I am officially having a midlife crisis. I think I may be wanting to look into midwifery because I really just want another child. I think Andy is right and the time off of work is more important than the $ - and that if I were to get a 365 8-5 job w/ on call hours I'd hate it more because I'd be home less. ^&*#$ why can't he just agree to another baby? I was so excited for about 1/2 a second earlier this week when he almost didn't make it when trying to pull out - but he did and then I came to my senses. I can't do this right now - I need more time off of work w/ my baby before I'd have to go back. If I were to get pregnant right now I'd be really freaked - mainly because i could only afford to take 8 weeks off - instead of the nearly 6 months off I had with Rosie. But if it were to happen on accident I'd be happily surprised and deal with it - heck maybe even take a year off and go back to school - bringing new baby w/ me to nurse while I was in class..... it's not to be though.
I need to figure out a way to tell DH that I feel an absolute need for another child - i really need him to hear it and consider it. I think he's heard me before - but was not willing to consider it. I just wish he'd agree to try in August and September - and if it didn't happen I think I might be able to live with it - but if not I'm not sure I'd ever get over the not having another child. I really think it would be best for Rosie to have a sibling to grow up with. And in all honesty I think that it would benefit DH and I when we are older to have the burden of aging parents be on 2 kids instead of one. Sure we aren't rich - but we could do very well for our family and provide all they need. If only he knew how much I ache for this - how often I've cried over this loss. I think that it bothers him, but I also think that until recently he was overwhelmed w/ Rosie - but now that she's communicating more, he's much more at ease.
She is SO good about taking care of her baby dolls - and I really think she'd be a great help with a real baby as well. Sure she'd have jealous times and there would be struggles - but I highly doubt that if we did have one more child - that it would be %90 positive. And we would not regret it. I don't think DH would regret it if we didn't have another child either. But I would.
Well I'm again in a BLAH mood. Nothing seems fun today. The students in my class were fine, just blah, you know? like the daily grind.
I'm just now almost over AF and every month I'm feeling more and more resentment for it. A friend of mine Carla has 3 kids ages 3, 18 months and 2 months. Her husband had a vas last week and DH has been all happy for him. Although he asked me how he was doing - and from their blog - sounds like it hurt badly.
SO i told him that. I would get snipped myself if I could just have one more. Carla is planning on being a surrogate someday. I'm not sure I could ever do that. I would want to keep it, no matter if it was not genetically mine in any way. I think I could do it for my sister or my brother, but no one else. I think it's really great of her to be able to do that sort of thing.
I'm thinking about going back on my job's insurance though. It was $600 a month for DH and I, which is double what we are paying right now - but I feel like I am not getting as good of care - I have to wait for my MRI's and it doesn't cover maternity at all. Yeah, I have no use for maternity, but I can hope right? Plus it does cover tubes tied - so maybe I can still talk DH into it? yeah right. Anyhow, he was asking when we will be getting a twin bed for R's room. I think that I would like to get bunk beds for in there - that way if we did have another baby - the crib would still fit, R, and me on the bunk until the new one was older so DH could still have his sleep and be sane to take care of them during the day while I was at work. I'm still mad that he keeps saying things like: "it is so much easier to deal with R when there is another kid around for her to play with..." because all that pops into my head is YEAH! I know let's get cracking! But his only thought is that the kid has to be older than her... well guess what? If we did have another one - at this point she'd be 3 when they were born and she would be able to help SO much - she would be responsible enough to get things out of the fridge, bring diapers, watch them (sorta) while we showered etc. And it would not only be good for her to have a life long companion like that, but good for the 2nd baby too to have an adoring older sister. She is so compassionate and loving. She cries when we stub OUR toe, she kisses us all the time, listens really well etc. I guess DH is really worried that any #2 would be the opposite. It really eats me up. I just wish there was something I could say that would make him change his mind. IDK - I feel selfish because we are tight on money as is, he is the one that deals w/ her all day, and I'm the one complaining. Maybe if I step up more and do more around the house and really work hard at saving $ things would be better in his eyes. I feel like such a failure right now. I feel like my #1 thing is not having the family I want (2 kids and close living family members), #2 is not being satisfied w/ my job in some ways. I want to doula full time as my job - but that is not possible. #3 feeling like $ sucks. I took this job knowing that it had a small pay-cut, but looking back I should have kept the old one - I made more, benefits were less, I loved the city stuff and the things I could afford - like the fancy gym membership w/ the free classes and pools and childcare, the farmer's market and all the great things to do there. I saw a MW job listed there and part of me thought that I should go there. Heck, at least there CPMs and homebirths are legal. I do dread the idea that if I did ever get pregnant again, I'd have to hire a non-certified MW to attend me at home. I would still do it at home I think, things went great w/ Rosie - and here we are only 2 miles or less from the hospital, so if something were to go wrong, it wouldn't be an issue. DH just went in the shower and I can't help but break down in tears. I just don't know what to do anymore. I sometimes just feel like doing nothing but playing w/ Rosie and pretending that everything was perfect. It is so hard to go to my birth board right now because 3 or 4 just had babies and another 3 or 4 are due in the next coming months. I really am happy for them, but unbelievably heartbroken for myself. I don't know anyone in person who is dealing with this same thing. All the people I know have more than one kid, don't want kids, or are not ready for them.
I guess in good news, my sister finally has a good guy - I think. I'm so happy for her! I better try to dry up my face before he gets out of the shower. Maybe I'll just go pretend to be asleep. I can't deal w/ talking with him about it today - and he'll notice I'm sad and want to talk, but he doesn't want to talk about this AGAIN. I don't blame him. If I was in his spot, I'd feel the same way.
Okay, well things have been going semi-icky for the last week. I went to the doula training, it was okay, but nothing new, and I don't feel like they did enough to actually TRAIN the participants. I left feeling like i was glad that I'd read as much as I had and practiced as much as I had.
While I was at the training, i had a sub in my classroom, who evidently couldn't speak English well, did not follow ANY of my sub plans and the kids were so wild the principal had to be in there 4 times and tehn she sent the secretary to "help" him the rest of the afternoon. I had to deal with the aftermath this week.
Then I finally got ahold of the people from the community college about the RN degree - and even thought the website says they offer it on a part-time basis, you can't do it with a regular job. Their classes are all day Mon and 1/2 day tuesdays. SO basically I have to not only risk the $ in becoming certified, but also quit my current job, and take out major loans to cover myself and living expenses. TOTALLY SUCKS!
I really need to figure something else out. It totally peeves me that with the nursing shortage, they can't provide better schedules. So I'm thinking the whole MW prospects are not going to happen ever. It's so depressing because I figured that we could do 6 years of partial loans and me being busy w/ classes, and then I'd get a job and triple my income.... looks like I'll be staying in the same income bracket indefinitely.
I did talk to a MW who came in to talk to our doula group and she said that her schedule is 8-5 two days a week, and then one 24 hour rotation on call at the hosptial a week. so that means a 4 day weekend every week AND 3 times the income. UGH!
Then I was doing okay mentally about not being able to TTC ever again because of DH, because the 2 closest friends we have now (who both have daughters w/in 10 months of R's age) I thought were only going to also have 1 child. Well last weekend I found out that the one that is closest in age w/ R is planning on another baby and getting pregnant this summer. She is also a teacher and her husband also stays home. THen our neighbor whose daughter is a year older - I just "knew" they weren't having another... well today I was talking to the dad and he mentioned that his wife was hinting about it and that he told her they had to wait till he had a teaching job, then a year after that, so in 2 years... SO that leaves me feeling super crappy knowing that I'm going to be the only one w/o 2 kids. I REALLY REALLY think R needs a sibling and DH would have the support he needs because of these other families. But he is still totally against it.
I am going to sit him down and talk with him about it seriously one day soon. Perhaps I'll work on drafting a letter to leave for him explaining all the reasons and why it's so important, and how it will all work. And leave it up to him. I'm still always secretly hoping that I'll be in that %3 of accidents w/ the pullout method that we use, but knowing that it's only %3 and that I'm SO likely never to be in it. I cried about it yesterday and I'm feeling like I need to cry again, but I don't have any tears. I'm just too mad about all the bad news/ crap that I've had to deal with just w/in the last few days to even find tears. Plus I'm dehydrated anyway from the sudafed and my stuffy head.
Things had been okay for the last couple weeks, but DH has been really pissy lately and I've been not dealing well. We just came back from a 5 day trip to our hometown to visit family. it was nice, but long-ish and not really relaxing at all. I didn't get my taxes done yet, and I had a huge arguement w/ DH about the stupid DMV. He didn't get his license re-done w/ our new address and that was the whole reason for going, and then he got mad at ME because I made him get back in line and fix it.
I am so livid right now it's not even funny. I cried for about 45 mintues already today while I cooked myself a grilled cheese because it seems like nothing I do is right - he has been complaining about every darn thing and Rosie has not been feeling well and is clingy but not cuddly at all. I have had to do errands after work every day and as much as I really want another baby - I'm too peeved to even think about touching DH. I think I'm going to sneak off to sleep in a bit - he probably won't even notice. He's watching documentaries on PBS and hasn't spoken to me in a couple hours.
I want to talk to him about it all, but know that me being peeved isn't the right time to do it - plus we're both a bit lack of sleep since R was up crying off and on for over an hour last night at 3am. I have to fold laundry and somehow get some cry time. I just need the relase to relax.
I feel fat - heck, I AM fat - and in my anger I bought some easter candy to gorge on next time I get in the car. I don't even care right now if I'm fat forever. I'm too peeved to go into the kitchen and look at him in order to get real food.
Oh and I can't go into MW training no matter what - the RN program requires that you quit your regular job since they only offer classes M, W and R. during regular work hours. There is a teen parent coordinator job open - and I'm very tempted to apply for it. Especially if it would give me flexible hours so I could doula and good insurance. AND really if they keep screwing me over at work - although I likely wouldn't know that till after I signed a contract for next year.
Life sucks right now. I'm off to pretend to take a crap and lock myself in the bathroom so I can cry in peace. Night.
Well I have no new info. I'm still hoping to get a job doing the kindergarten coordinator job -but so far it's not posted even though I heard today there will be an opening.
AND I signed up for disability insurance to safe guard me and my family if anything ever were to happen where I couldn't work. It takes effect after 2 weeks of missed work (which is the amount of sick days I currently have) - and it covers maternity for up to 8 weeks, so that is good. I'd get %60 of my salary and NOT have to work. MAN it would be SO great to have a due date of early May and take the last 6 weeks of school off and then have all summer, then start teaching the next year as a K- coordinator (or this year would be even better for that job.
I took Rosie to the library tonight and they had the storytime ball and everyone dresses up. I let Rosie wear a tulle skirt and some butterfly wings I had. She LOVED seeing all the kids and running around, but quickly got overwhelmed. Plus I think she's starting to get an ear infection. She has a bit of a cough as well. I'm supposed to take her to a birthday party tomorrow, but not sure if I'll go because I'm worried she might be sick.
I am SUPER glad this week went by quickly at school because I was dreading it. I've got to do report cards next week though. I really hate report cards. Which I guess is another bonus to the K-coord. job right? no report cards?
Anyhow, I'm tired, R hasn't been sleeping too well and she wouldn't go to bed till an hour and a half late. I better go and sleep while I can.
Well, DH has really made me upset lately, just being generally inconsiderate of my feelings to some extent. I also want him to know exactly how I feel about wanting another baby, but every time we try to talk about it, he gets all frustrated that it bothers me so much and he doesn't like to see me cry. So I wrote him a letter and saved it on the computer and left it on the desktop of his computer screen.
I'm figuring he'll read it today. Although probably not until this afternoon because he's watching Rosie and the neighbor's almost 3 year old till noon.
In it I wrote how I have been feeling about how he's been acting and how much it's important that we at least try to have another child. I felt like I needed to do it now because IF he does agree, it would only be 4 months or so until we TTC. DOUBTFUL, but still.
Okay, He still hasn't mentioned the letter I wrote and I'm going to wait till the weekend to see if he mentions it. I'm hoping he read it and is trying to process what to do.
Last night he asked to DTD even though he has access to my chart and knows that I'm about to O today or tomorrow. Anyway, he PO'd and that is what I expected, but he was the one that asked to do it. I was surprised that he'd even want to during that time.
Also I have to add something to the letter just in case. If I do ever get pregnant again, I can get on the state health insurance for pregnancy because our insurance we PAY for doesn't cover it. Plus the state plan makes EVERYTHING pregnancy free including delivery, all appointments, vitamins, and 6 weeks postpartum for you and baby AND tubals (which I would get if I had one more). and it's FREE, there are no monthly charges for it. And as soon as the baby is born they'd get the state health insurance for $10 a month and everything is $5 or less. It's a great deal. Okay, off to edit that info into the letter.
Oh, and I'm somewhat irked because there are another 4 people that I just found our are pregnant since my last post a couple days ago - 2 of them were accidents w/ failed BC's. UGH! WHy not me huh???