This has to be it....

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
This has to be it....

I decided to start this journal because I am LOVING being a mother to our almost 11 month old daughter. I need a place to talk out my frustrations with wanting another baby.....

DH does not want any more and it is literally eating me up inside. I am starting to get depressed and I catch myself withdrawing from him from time to time. I have a hard time feeling like being romantic with him because of it.

I don't blame him at all... I mean he has valid feelings afterall. He is concerned about global overpopulation, our income, his goal of getting a book published, his occasional depression (which was bad after our baby was born), and the fact that he's a SAHD and pretty much has to be with the baby(s) all day while I'm at work. ALL valid reasons. And i totally understand..... and i don't expect that he would change his mind.... and we did agree on ONE, but I always said one, maybe two. and he always said one....

But I also can't help how I feel. I want another baby... and I would have tried for one when our baby was 3 months old, but seeing as I have a DH that is against it - that pretty much dashed that. But I also have thyroid issues and I am still nursing and have not had AF back yet... I want another baby because I REALLY want Rosie to grow up with a sibling. Sure even a cousin close in age would be great - if she could see them all the time. But as it is, her 2 existing cousins are ages 7 and 13. And the only other option for her to have cousins are my brother or sister. My brother got married 4 years ago - and his wife has PCOS and fibroids... so it may be a long road - especially since they haven't even TTC yet. Then my sister -who is not married - though she wants children. Even if she got married tomorrow - it would likely be over a year, and she currently isn't even dating. The other thing is that DH's family is 3 hours away, my brother is 8 hours away, and my sister is about 11..... even if they each had kids Rosie's age - it would be too far for our baby to have a strong relationship with them Sad

DH uses the excuse that Rosie can be friends with his Best Friend's kids (ages 4 &6), but they are also 8 hours away.

Pregnancy was one of the best times of my life. I never felt better health wise, and it was a very exciting time. It was one of the only times in my life that I remember actually sleeping through the night regularly. I even enjoyed my labor and delivery.

Sure there were things that I would have changed. But i won't get into that now.

I just feel like I am living someone else's life. Like I am living in a bubble. I cry about once a week - grieving for the baby I will never have. Grieving for the sibling relationship Rosie will never know... grieving for Rosie when we are old and sick and she has no one to help her or to lean on.

DH doesn't want to hear it. He has told me in no uncertain terms that he is done. Every time I look at our daughter I can't help but think how she is IT... this is all, and it makes me sad.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay, DH is putting Rosie down for a nap.

He is such a great dad to her. He loves her and takes wonderful care of her.
I think that if we did have another - he would continue to do great - and would love that baby very much too. I do get worried that he may go into a depression again, but I don't think he would in nearly as much of a severity because he know what to expect now. But that is all basically a non- point because he's done :cry:

This is the other thing that weighs heavily on me right now. We just bought a fixer-uper of a house and he doesn't want to hear about it. He would rather just work on his novels and write on the computer all day long. I totally understand that construction isn't his thing... but I also know him. Heck we've been married 11 years and together for even longer.... I know that If I make some decisions on my own - like cabinet color, location of shelves, type of shelves etc.... he would pitch a fit after the fact. :roll:

Sometimes I do wonder what my life would be like today if he had wanted kids as much as me. If he had wanted them earlier, or wanted 2 like I do... would I have even trained to be a doula? Would I have planned a homebirth for our baby? Would we have toddlers now the same age as his friend's babies? Would I have had a miscarriage (which was probably due to the thyroid condition that got out of control in recent years)... would we have left MI? would I have done something else for a profession? would he have found a profession that would make enough money that I could be a SAHM?

I know that the answer to most of those is - "probably not" but it make me wonder ya know?

Some days I just feel like staying in bed - crying because I already miss the baby I will never have. Because I feel fat and unattractive, because I feel absolutely no motivation to look better. Sometimes I do want to just exersize all day because it keeps my mind off of wanting another baby - well really it gives me time to think and mourn. And the irrational thought of - maybe if I were thinner and looked great like I did when we were first married - or even like I did pre-baby - that he would be more willing... silly I know.

I just catch myself saying to myself - "how can this be it? how can this be my life? how do I get over this feeling?"

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today is an okay day... I went to work out at the fitness center at our apartment so I could get some thinking time. I watched Baby Story (2 episodes) while I power walked on the treadmill... It made me kinda jealous - but it also helped me feel better too - just to have the experience of the whole thing again - seeing the kids excited about their new siblings etc.... Yeah it depresses me a bit to know that will never be me again - but at least I get to be part of a birth in that way.

I also got a phone call this morning from a woman that wants me to be her doula. Unfortunately I'm not practicing anymore Sad AND she got my old phone # from when I lived in VA - since I"m in IL now - that's kinda hard. I just affirmed with me that Doula-ing is my calling.... no matter how cheesy that sounds.

I wonder if I was able to doula again - if that would help calm my baby fever? I doubt it - it didnt' work before Rosie was here - I don't see it working now. I keep thinking that I should just go back to school and get my RN and be a L&D nurse.... but I REALLY don't see myself liking the part of my job where I have to start IV's and see women rushed to the OR for emergency C sections.... maybe it wouldn't bother me - who knows?

But if I did do that I'd be making more $ - and have better and CHEAPER health insurance... but I'd have less time off - unless I worked 12 hour shifts. Anyway...

DH took Rosie on a long walk about 1/2 hour ago - he'll probably be back soon. I think he notices that I'm feeling sad because he's been unusually helpful today. Rosie is starting to try to commuicate more now too. She really hasn't done anything other than wave and make a noise that resembles "hi".... but today I was having a one-sided conversation with her and she nodded yes and said "yeah".... and later she snuck up behind the cat and said something like "tikki" maybe she's trying to say kitty?

Oh - and I've been trying to teach her the sign for drink/thirsty... and today I did the sign and asked her if she wanted her cup and she started shreiking and reaching for the fridge Biggrin The shreiking was annoying - but it was obvious that she knew what I was saying! now if I can only get her to try to do the sign for drink....

Alright -off to the shower and then dinner making time.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Last night at bedtime and this morning - Rosie decided that she was a "daddy's girl" ... every time I was playing with her, rocking her before bed, feeding her etc... and she saw daddy walk by - she started crying and pitching a fit... :roll:

I'm SO glad that she's giving him that attention - but she never does that for me. She never cries when I leave for work, or when he's playing with her and I leave the room Sad

And DH gets so happy when she does that - he lights up - it's really cute.

Yesterday I spent hours on the phone and online trying to find insurance. My job offers okay insurance - 0 deductible and %80 of other things - but it costs us nearly 600/month... which is a LOT seeing that I only make around 2000 a month... So I looked for private insurance - which we can get - but it doesn't have maternity - which is fine.... afterall we are not TTC - probably ever again. But the other thing is that it also does not cover ANY form of birth control. It Does cover sterilization though - but only after a 12 month waiting period... odd to me.

IMO insurance should cover any type of birth control - but not things like IVF... afterall - they are the leading cause of multiple births - and also the leading cause of high maternity/newborn care... Whatever.... that's really OT.

I was talking with another mom from my birth board via PM. Her DH is a lot like mine and it makes me feel glad to know that I'm not alone in this struggle - but also VERY VERY sad for both of us. I also know that if either of us ever DID get preggo again - and the other did not - that would be a devestating day.

Today's whine of the day is: why couldn't I have had twins.... but I guess -even if I did - maybe i'd still feel the same way now... like I want one more.

I remember reading 2 things - one in a book, one on a blog. Both really ring true to how I feel....

The book one is from Baby Catcher:
"Every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that's the baby that's born. If she doesn't get pregnant, then that baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant, but something bad happens before it's listen, mom, because here's the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month it's always first in line. Isn't that great?
So you just have to get pregnant again, and you'll have the same spirit baby. But it'd be a shame for you not to have it, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again."

And the other from a blog -which I can't find now... but here is the gist of it:
-knowing that you will never have another baby gives you the same feeling inside of trying to cram too much into a suitcase - and sitting on it trying to push it shut - but no matter how much you try to squash that suitcase - it is still so full, and will not shut.

I feel like both of those - like there is another baby out there that I'm supposed to be a mommy to - and like my feelings about it are so strong - that no matter how hard I try to squash them, they keep coming back.....

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So yesterday I went to the local baby store and got Rosie 2 of the things form her birthday wishlist - I got her the baby bjorn little potty and the boon tub faucet deflector... She seems to really like her potty - although she still has no idea what it is for...
I sat her on it a couple of time and she smiles and bangs on her legs then gets up... I think that she thinks its a chair.

I haven't tried the faucet cover yet though. I also got her one more plastic-type bib with a pocket. The good kind w/o phalates or pvc...

I feel so stressed out! I have to get quotes for house repairs SOON and I've got to get a contract signed w/ the HVAC people, get homeowners insurance, find a plumber, find a contractor that will tear down our chimney and remove the wood stove pipe and repair the roof from the holes it will leave... etc... And I also have to find a way to pay them. Not to mention that I need to get to IKEA with a truck somehow in the next 2 weeks because then we are going on vacation for 10 days - and I need to get the cabinets so I can start assembling them so I cna order a countertop for the kitchen! I also need to decide on kitchen appliances and get those as well.... AGGGHHH!!!! I'm hoping my dad will volunteer to come over the first weekend in July and bring is SUV so we can go pick up stuff from Ikea.... Otherwise I'll have to pay $$$ for them to ship it to me - 3 hours away... I also can't wait to get closed on the house because I've got to get a LOT done before I can start adding the new stuff... like ripping out carpet, removing all the old kitchen cabinets, fixing the latch on the front door and getting a new rear door... AND I have to wash/bleach all the walls and ceilings so I can paint them - OMG! Maybe I should just not take a vacation.... I've got too much to do. But it is Rosie's first birthday - and I want her to see her family - AND we didn't go on vacation last summer because I was hugely pregnant and wasn't supposed to travel....

Oh well.... I'll do it somehow.

Yesterday was an okay day as far as the baby fever goes... I got mad watching the morning news - about that report of the highschool girls that that had a pact to get preggo all at the same time - as a game... they are warped! And why do they have babies and I can never have another???? So unfair!
But I also remember when I was in high school my friend got pregnant at 16 - and I remember being jealous of her then too. I knew that if it were me - I would not have kept it because I would not have been able to give the baby what it needed... but she kept it - and somehow graduated high school a year early - went to the community college, and transferred to the university and graduated with the same degree I got - but a year and a half BEFORE me! Talk about unfair! I started out college with 16 credits -took 16 credits or more EACH semester, and graduated on time... HOW ANNOYING! I often wish I could have been her - as crazy as it sounds. I think I've always been in a hurry to be done with school - be a mommy and get on with life. That is part of why I got married at 19 - that and I found the love of my life Biggrin But even then, I still had to wait for a decade or more... for all the right reasons I think, but it still doesn't make it feel any better.

I had a dream last night that I was younger - living in MI in a nice house in East Lansing (the neighborhood I used to ride my bike through on my way to campus) I was about 25 - I had a toddler - who looked like Rosie -but more age 2 , and I was pregnant - due any day. Then I flashed to a scene of me with my MW (the one that I loved from Rosie's birth) and I was in labor in my living room and just about ready to give birth to my 2nd baby... DH was there of course - he was so happy and so was I. Rosie was playing in the corner of the room and everything was perfect. It was a very happy moment. I woke up just super happy Biggrin

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well today was an average day. I got upset a couple times - DH didn't know... I got all teary eyed when I was watching Rosie play - knowing that I'll never get to have this moment again.... with her or any other baby of mine....

Dh made a comment today that made me kinda upset too.. we were talking about how Rosie wakes with the sun - just like he does.. .and I told him that he should teach her that it's okay to sleep past sunrise (which is currently at 5:30am)... and he said, "You asked for it... you wanted my genes..." To me it sounded like he's blaming me and trying to make me feel bad for her waking us up so early... well it didn't make me feel bad in that way - like he intended it. It made me feel bad because i knew that he was actually trying to rub it in that he doesn't want more kids... Sad and implying that he didn't ask for her....

I still remember the day -when she was about 6 weeks old that he told me that he didn't want her, he never did - and that he only agreed to it because I wanted her - and he felt that I have given him so much - that he wanted to let me have something in return.... It made me SO mad for him to say that he didn't want her and never did... he apologized later and told me that it was is depression talking... and he's never said that again... but sometimes I get the feeling that he wishes she didn't exist sometimes...

Now he was right though. I HAVE given him a lot. I know his personality and realize that he is a lousy worker. He is moody and hates it when people are irresponsible, rude, or otherwise not doing their jobs. It bothers him so much so that he has a hard time maintaining a job - and keeping his mouth shut -when he works with others... So for the last 6-7 years he's been a "house husband" and NOT worked - and he doesn't drive EVER... which is kinda annoying because if he needs to see the dentist or something - I either have to take the day off work to drive him there, or the appointment has to be made for 3:45 pm... such a pain.

I think this sadness has caused me to get a sweet tooth - which I've NEVER had in my life. I seriously only usually eat candy about 2-4 times a YEAR.. and I don't really get any joy out of it at all - because frankly - I'm not a chocolate fan. But lately I've JUST wanted some chocolate! So either i'm going to get AF back for the first time in nearly 2 years... Sad or this is getting to me. I bought a box of brownie mix today... I'll probably cook it tomorrow.

Another member of my birth board announced she got a BFP this morning... I'm VERY happy for her. She is a great mother - but it kinda rubs it in too ya know? There are MANY many days that I sometimes wish I was catholic - so that DH didn't believe in birth control and we could have as many children as "god" wanted us to have - but alas we are atheist and I don't want unlimited numbers of children - just 2. But a DH that wanted more kids that me would be a nice change of pace. I think I'd have a heart attack if DH ever said he wanted kids - and approached me with it. :shock: Sure I'd be SUPER happy if he ever decided to have one more... but I don't see that happening.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well - I figure I should tell what my mental time line is:

My ideal would be to have 2 kids - preferably the same gender - but I'll take anything!
I would also prefer them to be about 18 months apart - but since Rosie's already 11 months and I'm not preggo - that's impossible.... I would NOT want them to be any more than 3 years apart - because personally I think that is too big of a gap.
Also - I'm a teacher, DH doesn't work, etc... so I need to take maternity when it is going to be convienient for work... which means that I should try to deliver during the months of May or June.... Which means that I should get preggo in August or Sept.

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it if it could happen this August... Because then they would be about 22-23 months apart.... which is great... next year it would be 3 years apart and then after that - that's it. BUT I'm still trying to get my thyroid straight - which it's getting better, but I'm still nursing 2 x. a day... and have no AF.. which makes it kinda hard to plan huh? OH - and did I mention that there's the little problem of not having DH on board??? ROFL
Ah well - time to get ready for bed. I see another early morning tomorrow - say ... 5:30???

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well I was pleasantly surprised! Rosie didn't wake me up till almost 7 - banging on her crib with her pacifier - not the screaming that she had been the last week or so at 5:30am...
She did wake at 10:30 screaming - but went back to sleep on her own, and then again at 12:30... and that time I decided to go in there and put some orajel on her gums - she's teething a few fangs afterall Lol and as soon as I put the gel on her gums she let out a blood curtling scream because she hates the stuff - but then I gave her the paci and she conked right back out - till 7am.... Biggrin

I think I'm going to to go the fabric store today and hopefully find some neat patterns for making Rosie some little pant/shirt sets. I got some organic cotton t-shirt fabric last week, but have nothing that matches it. On is sage, the other is a rose color... so I'm taking swatches to the other store to see if I can find something interesting... So far I've just gotten standard fabrics - boring, but fine - yellow w/ strawberries, and red gingham for making her some shirts... I also want to get her a couple of patterns for cute dresses/pants etc. Hopefully I'll find something cute. I feel like I only have 2 weeks left before all hell breaks loose! I've got to spend all next week interviewing contractors and lining up all of that - we close in a week and a half and I need to rip out 2 small walls and all the kitchen and carpet in 4 rooms...... all BEFORE I can start doing things. Then I'll have to wash all the walls and ceilings, sand peeling paint, and then I have to rent a floor sander and re-finish the hardwoods...
I have a feeling I only have one week left of summer break. Technically I don't have to go back to work till mid Aug. But this is how the time till then looks:
next week - nothing
First week of July - close on house, begin demolition and getting contractors in
then spend 10 days in MI on vacation for Rosie's b-day
As soon as we get back - have another b-day party for Rosie
HOPEFULLY move some stuff over to the new house that weekend
The WHOLE next week and 1/2 I have to go to a seminar for my job - 8-4 every day.
Then 2 days after the seminar is over - we have to be out of our apartment AND I start pre- week at work to get ready for another school year...Then the next week is the first day of school :shock:
I'm tired already and I haven't even done anything yet -

And this is exactly why I want to get some sewing done... I won't have another chance for a while...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well DH is irking me off an on today. He spent much of the morning writing on the computer - and so I took care of Rosie - but he made an effort to come out of his "lair" and changed her diaper and got coffee for himself.

Rosie took a couple of good naps today - and I went to the fabric store and got some things to make some cute dresses, shirts and pants for her. I'll post pics later I'm sure.

But the difficult part came this evening when DH was in a FOUL mood.. he was reading for about an hour - and Rosie was screaming her head off very hungry and I was in the middle of making dinner. I gave her the cup of milk and she drank some, but really wanted to eat... and I had burgers cooking etc.... So I asked him very nicely if he could please come in and help me by giving her the yogurt while I finished up our dinner.... He groaned loudly but came to do it - complaining the whole time that she was shrieking...

Then later he was telling me that i didn't GET how much work it was to watch Rosie - and how he never got to do as much reading and typing as he wanted.... :evil:
WTH??? he gets to do what he WANTS for HOURS every day - he spent at LEAST 3 hours typing this morning and another hour this afternoon and then another hour or more of reading - and he's off writing more on his computer NOW!
I haven't done a Darn thing for myself since Rosie was born! Sure I went to the store today - but that was to buy fabric to make sure she has clothes to wear when she grows... and I had to get a few groceries - is it what I WANT to do??? no.... it's what needs to get done!
He just considers his reading and writing as NEEDS - when in actuality they are wants. there are a LOT of things i WANT to do - but I always put them last on my list - because the needs have to get done first... sure I take breaks and get on here and type my day and talk to friends... but %90 of my day is dealing with the neccessities! At least today he asked what he could help with as far as the new house.. but I know that if I were to tell him that I wanted him to find a plumber - he'd say no... he hates making phone calls etc..

I am so sick of him saying that he "knew" it would mess up his schedule to have Rosie... it is what being a parent is - learning how not to be so selfish... putting some one else before yourself. Living for something bigger... Who knows - she may be the one that does something GREAT for the world.. maybe not - but we only get one chance with her and spending it complaining etc. itsn't helping.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well I sit her crying - because I have a beautiful child, and a good husband... and they are both napping and it's time for me. I'm tearful because she is such a good baby - she's been sleeping through the night (mostly) since she was 10 weeks. She just learned how to walk yesterday and today is her 11 month birthday. The time has gone by way too fast and just knowing that I'll never be able to experience this motherhood time again is hard.

DH and I went to the complex pool today with Rosie. There were 4 or 5 other kids there ages 3-8, and she LOVED it. Every time one of them went by her she lit up and giggled... she reached out for them when they went by and one of the people had their toddler in the pool and their baby on the pool deck in an exersaucer - Rosie walked right over to the other baby and waved and smiled from ear to ear. She LOVES babies and kids as much as me Lol I wonder where she gets that from??? Wink

Just seeing her with the other kids and knowing that she'll never have a sibling is hard - but it will be even harder when she's a 3 or 4 year old and wants to know why she doesn't have a brother or sister. And how will I answer her? If I tell her the truth - that I wanted her to have one, but her father didn't - that's not fair to him... she might be mad at him about it for the rest of her life. If I tell her that kids are expensive - she'd try to do with I used to do when I was a kid and my mom said that we didn't have money for things... I remember trying to stop the faucet from dripping by wrapping it in tape - so we didn't have too high of a water bill.... If I tell her that daddy couldn't handle the thought of all the work that 2 kids would bring - would she get confused and wonder if he loves her because she's work too???

DH did talk yesterday about how kids are so expensive... well that IS true - but really only for #1... because you don't know what will work for you and you have to buy so much... and you end up wasting a lot. Well I'm sitting here thinking of what I would have to buy if we had #2... I can't honestly think of ONE thing other than a bouncy seat or swing because we sold ours.... We have cloth diapers we can re-use, boxes of clothes for either gender, plus I sew so could make anything, and I BFed, so we wouldn't need to buy formula. I still have my pump and bottles etc. I guess I'd have to buy some new pacifiers -but only if the baby wanted them...
We wouldn't even have to buy Rosie a bed in order to move her out of the crib - because we already have a spare bed... IDK. it just seem like a lousy excuse...

Time to dry up these tears -DH is waking up and I need to get the dining room table cleaned off, bills paid and I cut out 2 shirts for Rosie - need to get started on sewing them.

DH has been great though lately. He says he's taking her for a walk when they wake up so that I can call more contractors and get some things done. Oh -and BTW - I got a reference for a plumber and he came today to give me a bid - and while he was there he gave me a bid for the HVAC too.... and he says he can do them all at once - and save us some $... his bid for ALL of it was the same as the other 2 HVAC people's bids - but w/o the plumbing work! Yay!!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Lots of tears today... I know what my choices are - and neither are acceptable.

They are these:

Never have another child and try to learn how to grieve through this and possibly resent this/ and/or DH for the rest of eternity


Have another child - and him not want to - and him resent me and child #2 for the rest our our lives...

And obviously I can't do the second option - because no child should grow up feeling like their father didn't want them... but I also don't want to live my life like this either... Lots of tears today. I did post a message asking for advice from Dr. Laura and she basically said the same - and suggested that I just work on making this decision feel like my own so that I can move on - and try to cognitively remind myself that I am choosing my DH and my LO over having another LO...

:cry: Today is rough... I need more chocolate - brownies here I come....

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well last night DH and I talked...sort of....

He asked if I was okay - and I told him "kinda" and he asked if I was stressed about the new house - and I said "not really" and he asked what was bothering me and I told him I didn't want to talk about it - even though I did.... But I knew he didn't.

So after a bit of silence, he asked me to please tell him - so I just said "it's about still feeling like I want another baby and I already know that you don't want to talk about it - so I'm just trying to deal with it on my own"

And he says - THANK YOU!


Anyway - I start sobbing and my nose starts running all over the place - so I get up and get tissues and lay back down in bed with tears soaking my pillowcase.
He asked if there was anything he could do - and was trying to be helpful - but all I could say was "NO".... which is true - there is nothing he will do - so there is nothing he can do....

I tried explaining to him that I feel like some part of me has died and I don't have a clue how long it will take me to get over it... days... months... years... or more.... and he just sat there silently.

I tried explaining how I felt - and how strong this emotion was. but he didn't get it. so I tried relating it to something that he holds dearly - his writing and reading time (which he does for at least 6 hours a day) and I told him that it would be sorta like if he recently realized that he would not be able to write ever again - that he could no longer do what was so important to him - that he could never experience the joy of that EVER AGAIN... and he just said - "but you will be a mother forever... It's not the same as a one time activity...."

GRRR! I KNOW that it's not the same - but it was the only thing I could think of to TRY to get him to understand the way I feel.

I feel like there is this huge burden that only I carry - and that I must live a fake existence ignoring this forever...

He tried to make me feel better by telling me that I had a lot of great things - and just ONLY to think of those things - like a healthy daughter, a caring husband, a loving family, a new house, a good job... which I KNOW - but this feeling is on top of those good things - it is not in the way of how I feel about those good things.... I still feel VERY good and VERY grateful for all of those things....

Anyway I finally drifted off to sleep around 12, Rosie woke at 12:45 screaming because of her teeth - as soon as I went in there and hugged her, she laid down and fell back asleep without a fuss... then she woke again around 1:30... this time I got her out of bed and rocked her and put teething gel on her gums and she went to sleep quickly again - but I sat there and rocked her for nearly 45 minutes - just because... I will not be able to rock a baby in the middle of the night much longer - so I relished in it. Most people would think I was crazy for choosing not to go back to bed and being somewhat glad that I got to spend that extra time with her... but I am glad.
She awoke again around 2:30 - so I got her up again , and gave her some tylenol and rocked her again for a long while while I wept.

She is perfect - and the best thing that DH has ever given to me.

Anyway - now she is napping and she has already woken after only sleeping 20 minutes - because she's in pain with those teeth again - so I just went in and held her and gave her more tylenol - and she sweetly drifted off in my arms again...

Gah - I'm sobbing again. I need a nap...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So I didn't get my nap...Oh well... she only took a 20 minute nap and then started crying again - HARD... I think she is definatly getting a tooth and it needs to come in soon -poor baby! I rocked her and gave her tylenol and laid her back down. She went back to sleep for another 20 minutes or so... Dh just took her out for a walk -hoping she'll go back to sleep. She is so short on sleep after waking so much last night -and only taking a 40 minute nap this morning...

Well - another person on my birthboard announced their pregnancy today... I am so happy for her - and jealous too of course. But I could actually read her post and reply without getting teary eyed - so either I don't have tears left,or I'm starting to get better???

Dr. Laura wrote me back again on my thread - and she seems to think that DH is mad about his childhood and how his sister treated him growing up - and also that during the time that his sister was the moodiest - it was also the time that his parents got divorced. She also made me think that it's possible that DH is afraid that if he has 2 kids that his life will be a repeat of his parents... divorce.... I DON'T want that at all! and he should know that....

And honestly there is no way that our life would end up like that - firstly, he's not a traveling salesman for a furniture company and sleeping around with tons of women, he didn't give me a verneral disease like his dad did to his mom, and thirdly, we are NOT them! and if DH even remotely acted like his father in ANY way - I would never have married him in the first place... his dad is a jerk.

Have I mentioned that his father has STILL never met Rosie? his own grand-daughter and has never once visited. He says he'll come to her first birthday party next month... He has however visited his adopted son's new baby - who is 2 months younger than Rosie. This adopted son was the son of his 2nd wife - whom he adopted when the child was about 9 - I've never met this guy - although he is DH's "brother" and DH only lived with him for about a year of his growing up... so he doesn't really even know him either. I find it odd that he'd visit this grandchild - who is not a blood relation -and he was only married to this guy's mom for a couple of years. But he won't even visit his son's child???

Dr. Laura also said that maybe if DH spent some time watching children of friends (we have none that are close by) and sees how great sibling relationships are - he might be more likely to change his mind.... The thing is that I don't want him to change his mind because of me - I want him to change his mind because HE wants another child or because HE thinks it would be a great thing for our family and Rosie... I do wonder what he will think after our vacation with his friend Justin and his wife and their 2 girls.... Their first one was planned - their second one was an accident. She was on the pill -but there was a recall on the pills - it was announced a few days after she found out she was preggo.... I initially thought that she did it on purpose - and couldn't imagine anyone doing that to trick their husband :shock: but then I saw it on the news that there was a recall... so weird! But they love their kids and his friend is a great father. His friend wants children and always has - I wonder why that is... that my DH doesn't and his DH does? I think it has a lot to do with their lives as a child.

My DH had a really rough upbringing IMO - his mom was married 3 times, and his dad is currently on his 4th wife. DH bounced back and forth from living with each of his parents based on who was currently married to the better of the two step-parents. Dh's mom had married a couple of jerks and DH didn't want to live like that, but he also had a couple of wierd step moms - one only like 11 years older than he was...

But his friend Justin's family had 2 married parents - deranged as they were and fighting and cursing like sailors and drinking too much... they at least enjoyed family and were always having get-togethers and excuses to party. He had one brother and 2 sisters... so a "big" family compared to DH's.... and when things really went down hill for DH after his mom moved to IL and he was having some drinking and depression problems - Justin's family took him in and let him live with them for a while... They are a close family and support eachother no matter what. Now the parents relationship was one where you knew they loved eachother - but they also YELLED constantly... but it was a close family - the kids were great friends with eachother...

Rosie will never know what that is like to have a big supportive family.... now I DON'T want 4 kids - and if I was able to have that one more that I long for - I would go and get the Essure birth control put in. I'm not liking the sound of a tubal surgery and DH isn't keen on a vas either... although he wants one in theory...

Alright -enough rambling. I'm off to read the local hospital's website and see if I can find out more about their nurse training scholarship and their salaries.... maybe I should change jobs... IDK....

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today is a much better day. I didn't find anything exciting yesterday looking into nursing. None of them post their salaries - and most of the available jobs are 7pm -7am..3 days a week... which I could easily do, but am not sure that I'd want to do both that AND have to poke people with needles... Our local hospital will pay up to $7500 of your college expenses if you agree to work for them... something to consider.

Today DH and I talked a lot about appliances - he is actually trying to be very helpful and is giving me a lot of great input. We decided today to get a smaller fridge and a better stove - w/ our money. And that we will likely have to get a home-equity loan to do some of the kitchen stuff... I'm hoping not to take out ANY offical loan money in equity till this fall though.
We have enough cash to pay the plumbing and HVAC - and the paint... Then I'll get the appliances on credit card and I have a deal that I can use my current card and get 0 payments 0% interest for 12 months... which will be great. Then I just need $ to buy the cabinets and re-finish/sand the floors... which my mom said she'll loan me. I'm hoping that it all works out!

Oh and I should be getting a $700 check from a conference I will be attending the first week of August.
I plan to cancel my cell phone today , as well as my dial-up internet (since we don't use it anyway) and tomorrow I'm calling to switch over to private insurance vs. my job's insurance.. it will end up saving us about $200 a month!

I'm right now waiting for the insurance company to call me back so I can get the paperwork finalized for our homeowner's policy so we can go through with closing on the house on Monday or Tuesday. I also have to call the HVAC guy tomorrow and schedule him to come in late next week to start that work. I have to see what his payment policy is though.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well I've been too busy getting house stuff done - and enjoying my summer with Rosie to write for the last couple days....
It's been kinda nice that I haven't felt so gloomy for a couple days too.

I spent a LOT of money the last couple days. I bought a bunch of expensive stuff for our new house: window glazing compound, crow bar, putty knives, stacking kit for my W&D, water heater, stove, fridge, and dishwasher....

I lined up the plumber and HVAC guy and they will start work sometime next week - and hopefully be done before we go on vacation on the 11th. I'm planning on going over to the house today and possibly ripping out the carpet in the bathroom. it is SOOO nasty. you would not believe how nasty!

Anyway - We are supposed to close on it on Tuesday. I have to call my mom and see about borrowing about $3k to buy kitchen cabinets so that we can avoid taking out an equity loan at least for a while....

So I had a bunch of Oing signs a few days ago - and now I'm breaking out all over my face... so I'm assuming that I'll get AF for the first time - just in time for our vacation :roll: I'm hoping that I'll get back to normal and healthy and my thyroid stay under control....

I think it will be a very difficult time for me. Not only will we NOT be TTC as much as I would like to, but that DARN AF will be back - and I hate it - but we will be with DH's friend and his family of 2 beautiful girls.... Exactly ONE more than I have and the EXACT amount I want :cry: I hope that DH realizes how special the relationship is between siblings close in age. Although - the younger one is just getting out of the terrible toddler stage - so I'm sure there will be a fair amount of whining....

I'm baking a plum berry cobbler right now while Rosie naps - it's nearly done and smells so YUMMY! I can't wait to have some ... and I'm going to make some hashbrowns and eggs for breakfast too.... There is NOTHING on TV besides stupid kids programs and the HSN....

Gotta go - I've got a lot to do!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay - today I have an appointment with the bank to close on our house. It is exciting and overwhelming at the same time. There is SO much to do with the house!

The last house we bought was brand new and we didn't need to to a thing... this is NOT the same! Today we close, tomorrow I will spend all day tearing out a hung ceiling in the kitchen and knocking out a small wall... then from here on out it will be stripping pain, and knocking out another wall, ripping up carpet, etc....

Anyway - I'm feeling sad again today - not too bad, but still sad. Rosie woke this morning at 5:15... she usually sleeps till almost 7. I went in and laid her back down, but she didn't go back to sleep - and around 5:45 she was crying quite a bit and I went back in and she stunk.. so I had to change her and rock her back to sleep. She usually doesn't poop till after 8... Anyway - she finally fell asleep around 6:30 - and hopefully she'll take a long rest because we have to go to the bank and so her later naps will be off schedule.

My SIL is our attorney for the closing and she is very excited to come here to play with Rosie. I think we'll probably do our meeting, then see the new house, then go out to lunch. Rosie usually has her nap around 12:30 or 1... our closing doesn't start till 11... so it's very likely she'll be to nap late.

It seems like everywhere I look there are families w/ 2+ kids... I don't want to be the +.... but it just gives me so much joy to see siblings playing together. I honestly thought I'd never say that. I remember when I was 19 - I had just gotten married and DH and I had just come back from our honeymoon. My mom had us over and we were unwrapping wedding presents. DH walked away for a bit to go to the bathroom and my mom asked us when we were having kids. I told her not till I was about 30 (which is when we had Rosie) and she asked how many. I told her 1 or 2... but that would be the max. She told me that it was mean not to have a sibling for your baby... At the time I disagreed. I told her that the child could play with friends and they would be fine. But now I see her point. She also insisted that I was planned - and being only 14 months younger than my sister - I always assumed I was an accident. I also understand that too.... wanting your babies close in age.

I'm thinking about looking into becoming a childbirth educator....since I can't doula with my job as a teacher. I saw a job posting yesterday as the local director or Head Start - which is an office job - so I could potentially doula w/ that job, but DH (and I) am not sure that it would be worth the pay - because it's only a couple thousand more than I make now - but it is 40 hours a week - year round... vs. 38 hours a week for 9 months..... and I'm not even sure how much I'd like it. I would have only one weeks' vacation instead of 10....

I can't wait till Rosie is talking and walking. I think it will help DH a lot. He loves her so much, but I think it frustrates him sometimes that she isn't really playing with him and it's sometimes hard to figure out what she wants. Even though we've been doing signs with her for MONTHS - she's still not repeating them. Although she may have done the sign for done yesterday. But mostly she screams whenever she wants something...

I sit here watching the today show -and Natalie Morales is pregnant. She looks great. I also look pregnant - but unfortunately I'm just fat Sad

I am very excited today though - 2 of my birth board members are finding out today if they will be having a boy or a girl! Biggrin

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well - both of the board members are having boys!

That is great - I know they are going to love having sons... although I do secretly hope that IF we do have another - that it is a girl... no real reason exactly... But if I DID get to have another child - I wouldn't care boy OR girl Biggrin

Well I was really frustrated yesterday. DH was in another foul mood- complaining ALL afternoon... and he was doing that last week too - I posted about it on our birth board. Anyway - he said he feels trapped by all the stuff we have to do this next month or two. The fixing of the house, vacation, Rosie's birthday party, moving, me going to a 7 day teaching seminar the week BEFORE we are supposed to move, and then me going back to work (school) and him having to be home w/ Rosie all day alone again... I don't think he minds that so much - but he is OBSESSED with his writing so much so that everything else takes a back seat. He said he'd rather stay home and write - than go on vacation... Now when he's home alone w/ Rosie during the day while I work - he DOES play with her and put her first, and writes when she naps, but he gets really frustrated on days she takes short naps...

So today is the day that I'm taking Rosie around town to take pics w/ the mascot - then I'm mailing it to Jen for her turn. I think I'm going to go to the park w/ the sculptures and take pics of it in the swing w/ Rosie, and playing ball in the grass, and maybe with a couple of the weird sculptures. And maybe after that I'll take some pics near the UofI campus.... and possibly a corn field....Nothing much to take pics of around here though...

So yesterday I scraped the paint of the 2 windows in Rosie's new bedroom - it took about 3 hours :shock: My hands are so tired and my arms are sore.... I haven't even done the baseboards yet... I've got to get some primer to paint on it all once it's done though - and then a couple layers of new paint... then it should be safe for her. The windows and baseboard paint was chipping and it is likely to be lead paint, so I've GOT to get that fixed....

Then there was this whole crazy thing about the W&D.... DH and I agreed to put it in the back hall closet because then we wouldn't have to do laundry in the icky basement... but the only place it would make sense to put it would mean it was right behind the entrance door.... and DH didn't like that - so to the basement it goes.
So Now I have to go to the hardware store and get some lumber and some cinderblocks and make a base to set the W&D on - The basement leaks when we have BIG rains... so I don't want our $1400 W&D getting ruined...BUT we are getting a sump pump put in next week, so that should help.

Today's task after going to the park - is to finish ripping out the wall by the doorway - where we were going to put the W&D - it will now be made into 2 coat closets - which we desperately need closets - so that's good I guess..

:jumpingbeans: I have good news though - I've officially put TTC in the very back of my mind... it's still there, but in the back. I know that DH is stressed, I'm stressed, and there is NO way he'll agree to TTC this Aug or Sept (which is when we'd need to because of my work) - so I feel comfortable waiting till next summer to bring it up.
Hopefully by then we will have the house all perfect and maybe even an extra bedroom upstairs. Right now though we're not sure how that would work... because the contractor said that we may have to beef up the rafters - which would lose head room... and that wouldn't be good - it's not very tall in there now as is.
I think that project will have to wait till this winter anyway - and we are a bit more settled in there.

My new appliances for the kitchen are being delivered on Monday - and the HVAC guy is coming that day too to get us a new furnace and a/c unit added. I've GOT to plan a trip w/ a truck to go to IKEA to get our cabinets... but I've got to rip out the old ones first and re-measure before I buy them... and seeing the appliances in place should help too.

Oh- and I'll be saving nearly $250 a month - I'm declining my employer's health insurance and that will save us about $150 a month and our mortgage is about $100 a month less than we are paying in rent! So I should have some $ to use for fixing things up - and maybe even hire someone to fix the sagging plaster in that spot on the living room ceiling...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well 2 more oops pregnancies on the birth board. It sorta makes me mad and happy at the same time. I want to have an oops too... not likely since we hardly ever DTD....

But at the same time - i KNOW that these mommies WANT these babies and will love them so much! So that makes me feel great. I would be extremely mad if it was someone who didn't want it.

Anyhow - things are busy as usual and I feel like I'm getting things done w/ the house. I got some of the wallpaper peeled off in the hallway today - and met w/ a cabinet company to get an estimate on that. The painter will come by tomorrow to tell me about painting the house and fixing the plaster ceilings.

I am excited about going on vacation on Friday. It will be a long drive - but a much needed vacation. Dh is all worried - but he always gets his undies in a bunch whenever we are not home. He doesn't travel well....

Rosie is walking more now -but only really if we make her. She hasn't figured out how to stand in the middle of the room yet. She puts her face and her feet on the floor and wiggles all around like that w/ her butt up in the air.

Everything is going okay. I feel kinda numb at the moment about TTC or babies - more so than I've been in a long time. I really would like my 2 children close in age - but I think I've come to terms with them being nearly 3 years apart - instead of nearly 2.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay - well I've been GONE for a while now. We went on our vacation to MI and it was okay. DH just had some grump attacks... but he got over it and it wasn't too bad. Rosie slept great almost the entire time - even though she was in the dining room Lol
Many of our family came for Rosie's b-day the day before we left the cottage and so that was really nice.
I SO needed that break. I've been working my tail off trying to get our new house fixed up for DH and DD and I to move in in a few weeks, but I HAD to get out. The painter came while we were on vacation and fixed our livingroom ceiling and kitchen ceiling by re-plastering, and primer-coating the whole house. I'm going to see him tomorrow when he comes in to finish the last couple rooms - and see if he wouldn't mind spraying Rosie's dresser too while he's at it.
SIL brought it by (it matches the crib - but she hadn't given it to us till now) and all of the parts used to be oak, but I painted the crib white.

Oh - and I got pastel blue paint for Rosie's wall so I can paint a flower border and clouds on the wall... it will hopefully look like sky. The rest of the house I got a 5 gallon thing of yellow. DH and I both love that color for the walls.

So in the past month since we closed on our house (really 3 weeks) I have removed 3 rooms worth of nasty carpet - removed all the kitchen cabinets - removed the old tub surround and vanity - gotten a new furnace installed - a A/C unit added - new water lines - new hot water heater- repainted- peeled up the linoleum- removed all the wallpaper - AND somehow did it ALL myself AND took a 10 day vacation!

I feel like a whirlwind - and DH is being a BUTT again... he's complaining that it won't be ready when we move in etc. But I did drag him over to the house to get started on mowing the lawn. It is better - but still needs a lot mowed and the weeds are literally armpit high.

Oh and today and yesterday we had my dad and his partner over - as well as DH's whole family for Rosie's b-day. She is walking SO good now! She started just before we left for vacation and got better at it there, and took off when we got home - and she FINALLY grew her 3rd tooth!

I still want another baby -but it IS really helping by renovating things to keep my mind off it a bit. I did feel really sad a bit ago because I got 2 e-mails from people asking me to be their doula - because I'm still on the e-mail list back in VA... and I SO WISH I could do that , and I also wish I could be them. Every time Rosie does something new I wish that I could have another so that I can see it again in another child - my child. She is absolutely amazing. She is SO happy and SUCH a good baby!

My dad and Bruce got Rosie an outfit for her birthday w/ a pic of a sippy cup on it that says "half full" - which is wonderful! I try to be optimisitc as much as I can - sure I get stressed and worried, but I still have hope. DH has been such the pessimist lately that sometimes I wish he would just go away for a few days so that Rosie and I could get a break from the near constant negativity.
He did have a glimmer of a smile today though when he was mowing and a neighbor stopped to talk to him. I think it made him feel normal because he does not deal w/ stress AT ALL and I think that for a breif moment that he felt like things were calm and normal.
Oh - and he's probably pissed at me right now. I'm taking too long on the computer :roll: My excuse though is that I got up at 7 and got Rosie fed, made breakfast at 8:30 for my dad and Bruce, then cleaned up and went w/ them over to the house so my dad (who is an architect) could help me to measure the kitchen for outlets for when the electrician comes later this week. All this while Rosie napped and DH was home w/ her. She was awake about 1 hour of that time. He gave her lunch and was all tired and moody - I swear he has PMS...
Anyway - after a bit of a "discussion" I left w/o eating lunch - around 12 to go back to the house (because our company left) and finish cleaning the walls from the wallpaper glue, and peel up more linoleum. I was there till 4:30 and then came home and DH was walking Rosie home. I passed them in the car. Then he gets home in an absolute grump and looked exhausted. He asked for a nap - meanwhile I assembled our new reel lawn mower and watched Rosie. But I guess MIL came by while I was gone and woke up Rosie and DH from their afternoon nap and so neither had enough sleep and both were grouchy.
DH laid down and I fed Rosie a snack and played with her - but she wouldn't be quiet and I didn't want her waking DH - he was grumpy enough - so we walked outside and played on the deck and she was whiny and wanted in - so we came in and she had a few giggle fits and I tried to get her to nap - but she would not. She screamed and eventually woke DH -
So around 6 we left and went to the house w/ MR. Grumpy all the way and I put Rosie in her PNP in the yard while DH mowed and I went inside to wash off more glue.
I'm SO tired - but I haven't even showered... Oh and when we got home I had to give Rosie the rest of her dinner because DH was on the can for 45 minutes :roll: and then I nursed her and put her to bed while HE showered! I'm getting very sick of him getting to do all the good stuff - like watch Rosie grow up, shower when he wants, sit for hours on the crapper, NAP!.... Anyway I asked him to put Rosie to bed when he got out of the shower so that I could get in the shower - well he tried rocking her for a while - but she was so wound up and over tired that she was fighting it pretty badly - so he told her "I'm sick of this - you just go to sleep on your own" and laid her in the bed and walked out. She SCREAMED and wouldn't sleep. I left her like that for a couple of minutes and went in and laid her back down and sang to her and she settled back down and started to fall asleep. So then I went into our room to get my clothes for my shower and saw a huge pile of clean laundry on the bed (DH did) and so I started folding it and Rosie started screaming again - so I go in and rock her because DH is on the computer reading comics. 15 minutes later - she's asleep - so I finish folding the laundry and come in here - now it's late and DH is probably already in bed. Honestly I don't care. He's been grumpy and I don't feel the least bit "romantic" tonight. Plus I STILL Haven't gotten into the shower.
Oh and we used to DTD w/ the pullout method... but now he won't DTD at all - probably since I had AF while we were on vacation. He's SUPER paranoid. I think that if I did get accidentally pregnant - he'd freak out and consider leaving us. Nah - he's got a good deal here and doesn't have anywhere to go - plus he loves Rosie too much Wink
Anyway - he's still awake. He just came in here to make himself something to eat. So far today I had this: eggs and sausage for breakfast - lunch was at 4:30 w/ Rosie screaming in one arm (2 hotdogs - no bun), and dinner was 1/2 a plum because Rosie ate most of it and 3 fudge cookies left over from what I used to decorate her cake. I think I'll have some salad when I get out of the shower and then go to bed.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

WEll DH and I had another long talk last night. He KNOWS that I want another and that even though I'd like one like yesterday - that I KNOW that it's not best $ and time wise right now. I'm hoping for next summer... Anyway - our talk last night was about DTD. He WON'T at ALL.... he's scared... He doesn't want what he calls "an accident". I'm mad... and I think he knows it. I DON'T want to be pregnant now either - but I feel like he doesn't trust me - so I'm not volunteering to do anything.. I"m NOT going back on BCP's -they messed w/ me too much and plus I'm still nursing once or twice a day. AND our insurance doesn't cover procedures (like IUD, implants, surgeries etc.)... I wouldnt' mind getting an IUD for a year or so -but DH is still mentioning getting snipped :cry:
I know that it is hard on him w/ a baby in the house - especially now since he doesn't handle change well and we are moving in a week and we have a LOT to do at our new house still etc. Plus - Rosie just started walking about 10 days ago or so and she's all over and into everything...
He can't see that far in the future. He's hardly ever spent time w/ a 2 y.o..... and they are MUCH different than a 1 y.o. that is just realizing they can do things...
A 2 y.o. and a baby is DO-able.... not so much bringing a baby home NOW - but I know I could do it and love it Wink
But IF - which is not likely - DH does agree to do #2 next summer - Rosie would be 3 - potty trained and helpful and talking... and we'd be settled in our house and hopefully have paid off the loans for the repairs.
And IF he did agree to TTC - then I'd get a tubal after the delivery. Because I KNOW that 2 is MAX and that is exactly how many I want.
I feel angry-ish and sad and depressed thinking about all the people who have accidents and DON'T want them - and I"m not even "allowed" to DTD w/ my HUSBAND - w/ protection! He doesn't like condoms - and doesn't want to use them. He just wants other stuff... because for him - it's almost as good...but I just miss DTD ... I'm not very interested in the other stuff....
Anyway - I feel like not doing ANYTHING w/ him at all most days because of all of this....
Gotta go - time to fix the wall in our new kitchen so I can hang cabinets next week.... I have to go get a piece of plywood cut for the floor.... and I'm hoping to talk to the floor sander guy today and hopefully he will start Monday and be done by Wed. or Thurs - because we HAVE to move in by Friday afternoon....

Oh - and 3 or so more BFP's on my BB! I'm so happy for them Biggrin - at least 2 of them were "accidents" and they already have 2-3 kids.. makes me so jealous! I just want 2.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So it's been almost 2 weeks and still haven't DTD... but really we haven't even had time to think about it. The move was really stressfull and the house needs work. We still have no sink. Our house is really crowded because all the bedrooms are tiny, and my back hurts. I still WANT a baby REALLY bad... but i also know that I can't even think it right now. It makes me so mad that people have accidents and I can't even have an "on purpose"

I had AF again this week - for the second time. I'm glad to see her because I konw that my hormones are getting near normal. but my endocrinologist is stupid - so I'm switching. Even if I was TTC - she is not interested in keeping my TSH levels right... so what's the point?

I feel so alone a lot of the time. I really need some IRL friends and some ME time. I have to start work in about 9 days - and will be spending all of it trying to make the cabinets for my kitchen. I just want the rest of my life to be ready. I want the addition done in our attic - I want 2 kids, I want a working kitchen Lol

I am excited though that I get to teach Kindergarten only this year (probably) because of enrollment Biggrin The K/1 split was okay, but it will be nice to be on a single grade again.I hope that everything works out for this school year and they give me a room in the kindergarten wing. Their rooms are MUCH bigger!

Alright - I've GOT to shower - it's been 4 days (because the bathroom wasn't ready) but now I'm STINKY and filthy.... Night!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today is okay... I put together 2 more cabinets and painted the ceilings in 3 rooms. I'm hoping to hang some of the cabinets tomorrow, but I need a new sawblade to cut the track that the cabinets hang on. I think I'll have DH cut the track. Or maybe look into if I can use my power saw... I don't think I can cut metal w/ it... oooh wait- my dad lent me his reciprocating saw.... with a metal blade! Yay!

Anyhow DH spent most of the day writing stories on the computer. I could have killed him! We have SO much to do and he still hasn't done much. He says that he is going ot be more helpful tomorrow. We shall see.... At least he's been trying to keep the house picked up as best as we can at this point. And he did help install the toilet yesterday. HE cut his thumb pretty badly somehow while doing it. And he DID mow the lawn today, so I shouldn't complain too much.

I just got an e-mail today that said that one of my co-workers had her baby. It was a boy and was born the day before Rosie's birthday. It makes me want to TTC so badly. Plus my friend Renee from work is preggo and due in Dec. and I am going to have to spend a LOT of time with her starting next week... not that I mind because she is really nice - but it will be hard IYKWIM. Also since I'll likely be a kindergarten teacher - one of the 2 teachers just got married last year, so I wouldn't be surprised AT ALL if she also turns up preggo....

All right - I've decided. We ARE TTC next summer and I WILL have a BFP by my 32nd b-day Biggrin (DH pending of course) but I really HOPE that when Rosie is talking and potty trained and helpful and in a good routine and the house is all set etc. that he'll consider it. I'm going to do every thing in my power to save all Rosie's stuff AND save up $ for this next year so we can have fewer excuses Biggrin

Anyway, I'm super tired and need to get to bed. I have a lot of work ahead of me tomorrow. Hopefully we'll have some cabinets by the end of the day.

Oh! I almost forgot! Christin is supposed to POAS tomorrow Yahoo I'm so excited for her! She had a terrible birth experience w/ her first one and thought she'd never do it again. Her OB was awful! I am so hopeful that she will have a healing experience.
Man I miss being a doula.....

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay - today is a good day. I met our neighbors - they are really nice and have a 2 y.o. girl. She is really sweet - and so are the parents Lol
The whole time i was talking to them I was thinking how great it would be if we both got pregnant at the same time and how all 4 of our kids could grow up together! And if IF we did decide to have another - it wouldnt' be till next summer... and they probably wouldn't until then either because the guy is in grad school and finishes then...

Anyhow - our bathroom sink came today Yahoo and I'm going to get it hooked up to the cabinet tomorrow and call the plumber to get it all hooked up! I'm so excited to have a sink! AND we got some of our cabinets up in the kitchen - almost 1/2 of the upper cabinets! Tomorrow I'm going to finish putting together the other 2 of 3 lower cabinets that go on one of the walls... so we will be nearly functional VERY soon! Good thing too because i go back to work next week!

EEEK! I have NOT done anything in my classroom and NEED to get it done by TUESDAY next week so the kids can start! I am SO freaking out right now!

I'm really hoping that 2 of my birth board buddies get a BFP soon - or at least for the next while - NOT get AF and then get thier BFP later Wink Ah well - time to get ready for bed.... NIght!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well things are looking up. DH volunteered to DTD the last 2 days in a row! And this was after months of not DTD at all because he was too worried about an accident. Hey, I'm not complaining!

And We have more than 1/2 of our kitchen cabinets in - and our plumber is coming tomorrow to hook up the bathroom sink Biggrin I'm so excited that I'll be able to wash my hands standing up vs. hunching over the tub Lol

Also - my mom is coming tomorrow for 3 1/2 days to help out! I am so happy to have her be here to spend some time w/ Rosie and hopefully I can get our kitchen all set...

Oh - the only bad news is that I got in a car accident on Wednesday - no one was hurt - but I was found to be at fault, so I have to pay a $75 ticket and a $500 deductible to get my car fixed Sad I really don't have that $ right now! But the good news is that my grandma sent me some $ for renovations - so it will definately be put to good use!

Now as soon as my mom leaves - or maybe while she's here and occupying Rosie - I can finally get Rosie's birthday thank-you notes written out... It's so sad- almost a month later....

I finished painting the kitchen tonight so I can hang the cabinets tomorrow... And I hope I can paint some of the livingroom and hang some curtains. Probably should do the bedrooms first though. And the windows need to be sanded and painted... and the glazing fixed so the glass doesn't rattle.

Ah - and only a few more days till I go back to work :shock: I don't know how I'll get lesson plans done w/ all this stuff going on. I still have to make nametags for my students and get all that logistical stuff done by Wednesday.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay - well things are better-ish...
DH has been wiling to DTD and it is really nice. It's been so long. I don't think he's changed his mind... and I'm okay with that - at least for now because we don't have the $ or time or place right now.

But the car is still in the shop - and then my mom came to help out last weekend. It was really nice to see her. She did help out quite a bit - but she had some trouble w/ the hollow wall anchors for installing some of the things - and so I ended up w/ more holes in the wall I needed to patch Sad - then I had an accident w/ a drill. I was trying to make a hole bigger and the drill slipped and ran across the back of my fingernail on my left hand ring finger. It was painful and bloody - but overall not bad. Right now it just looks like a giant crack across the back of my nail and a wicked hang-nail. I really want it to heal soon. I'm sick of it hurting and having to wear band-aids 24/7.

Then I had to start work this week. I had stupid meetings all day monday and tuesday - adn my mom was here till then - so I did not get my classroom ready anywhere near what I had wanted. Kids started Wed. and also today. I'm dreading tomorrow. I heard that I have a very difficult child. He starts tomorrow. I'm going to have to get a behavior plan set up ASAP I'm sure.

Rosie is also sick. She's been stuffy since last weekend, and last night she was coughing w/ nasty boogers and had a light fever. So I went out at 10:30pm to get her some tylenol... and today was not better - so I took her to the doc and she has an ear infection and a cough. Now she's on antibiotics. and I'm sure she'll get a yeast infection... :roll:

I'm sorta listening to Obama now - I am hoping that the democrats win office. I'm SO sick of the current admin....

MIL is coming tomorrow and our house is a pigsty- DH did laundry and cleaned the dishes... but we still have crap all over from moving in and construction.
I'm sick of this. I need a long weekend - and I know that it will be nice to have the help -but w/ Rosie sick, she likely won't let us leave her w/ grandma -and so we still won't get much done. Sad

I hardly ate anything today and I don't even feel hungry. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I am really bummed... although Obama just said that he'll increase my pay... so I guess that will help.

I hope Rosie sleeps tonight.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well today is my 3rd day with all of my students. They had a staggered schedule for the first 3 days.. and then all of them after that. I have 2 boys that are going to be a total PILL! They are both really hyper and attention seeking :roll: I have 2 girls that are very "independent" - and want to do what they want - when they want to do it... but I think I'll be able to get the 4 of them into shape soon. I HOPE!

Yesterday I took Rosie to story time at the library - they have it in the evenings for kids 0-2 , but only twice a month. She loved seeing all the other kids. She really was interested in the babies. There were 3 moms there w/ their small babies. One was 7 weeks, another 3 months and the other I'm not sure - but it looked like 2-3 months.

Today we went back to the library for the 45 minutes before bedtime - since she tired herself out last night from all the running around - we thought we should take her again - especially since it has been raining NON STOP all day and she didn't get to take her usual walks around the block.

So I think I'm going to start charting my temps again starting next cycle. Not because we'll be trying - more-so that we are still preventing... but we'll be more sure of when NOT to dtd. I'm of course wishing I was in the opposite boat - but as I've said before - now is not the time. Especially money wise.

Rosie has been on antibiotics for a week now and woke up this morning w/ a yeast rash. So it's good I still has a re-fill of her cream from the last time. We didn't have to go to the doctor.

I'm really happy because I'm finally back into a size 12! I was a 14 for the 3-4 months before getting preggo - and then all after baby till now. I'm SO happy to not feel quite so fat all the time. I'm really hoping to lose this last 10-14 lbs. and get back into my 10's. I'd LOVE to be able to fit into my wedding dress again before (if) I get pregnant again. I definately wasn't there before Rosie. My dress is an 8-10.

I keep thinking that I should do something else for a profession. I like teaching - and it pays the bills and has good hours and vacations, but still. I just don't know. This thought keeps coming back into my head.

Oh - and ab out 9 members of my birthboard quit because basically the same 2 people keep arguing and making everyone uncomfortable. Including me. I can see both of their points and don't wish either of them to go away (and as far as I know neither has) but both are IMO too blunt for their own good.Maybe they'll both learn to "think before they speak" and try a bit harder to put things in a way that doesn't call names or demean the other and have an actual good discussion instead of this nasty bickering. Unfortunately several people that I don't consider to be regular participants in these "discussions" got seriously offended and are gone Sad As a mod - I feel somewhat responsible for not being able to prevent it. Although I know it's silly.

I'm feeling really overwhelmed by work and life right now. I have a LOT of stuff to type up and get ready for my students tomorrow and a lot of stuff to get ready for lessons. I'm still at a loss of what to do tomorrow because I didn't do lesson plans yet for tomorrow - because I was trying to think of independent activities for them to do so I could do some assessments - but with those 4 kids - it is just really hard to get anything done because they rile up the rest of the kids and I have to stop what I'm doing to correct the behavior. I don't want to ignore it even once - because they need to learn from the start what to expect and if I let them get away with it sometimes - they'll just walk all over you from here on out.

Enough rambling. time to check in on my board Wink Night!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So I'm tired and bored. I worked on fixing the concrete stairs today and I also tried to get the locks re-keyed, but the locksmiths evidently dont' work weekends :roll:
I need to get another thing of concrete though.

I HAVE to do some serious weeding too. It is BAD they are about 5 feet tall right now :shock:

Dh has been great. He mowed the whole lawn today and took Rosie for a long walk so I could get some stuff done. And this morning we all walked to the farmer's market together. We spent all our $ on fruits and veggies Biggrin YummY!

Rosie only took one nap today - for about 2 hours, and just now went to sleep at her normal time. I really should be working on screwing the last of the kitchen cabinets to the wall so we can put the fridge back where it goes, but I'd rather take a break.
I have to paint my shed - which I'm peeved about. And I have to make a border thing around the dishwasher so that the countertop can be screwed to it. I guess those will be tomorrow's jobs.
Oh - and how could I forget - lesson plans need to get done and so does a huge packet of info stuff for curriculum night on Wed. I'm SO tired just thinking about it. It's totally NOT fair that I have to do curriculum guides for 2 grades and everyone else just has to do it for one. Twice as much work just isn't fair.

Well DH has still be okay w/ DTD so I'm really happy. I missed that time when we weren't. I am SO sick of the piles of stuff everywhere in our house though. And the fact that we still have no kitchen sink or countertop - a month later...
I found these really cute shoes that are mary-jane style and fur lined - I want to get them for Rosie for this winter. They are only $20... I might splurge on them.
BUT the semi-annual baby sale is coming up this weekend, and I'm going to sell more of Rosie's stuff and hopefully find her some winter boots and a coat. and also snow pants. I can't believe I have to think snow pants!
The only thing that I'm dreading about the whole thing is seeing about 200 preggos there... and wishing for every second that it's me...
Well I've got to get in the shower. NIght!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well I finished the stairs, never got around to the locksmiths after work... hopefully this week I will. I am hoping for a good weekend so I can paint the baseboards in the house - it needs it because the primer is flaking off... I'm SO peeved at the painter - he obviously didn't do a good job, or the primer wouldn't be flaking off!

Anyhow - I got the fabric I need to make Rosie's halloween costume. I'm going to make her be a sock monkey Biggrin I couldn't find the fabric I wanted - but I did find a towel that looks just like sock monkey fabric, so I'm going to use that. I also bought her some other fabric today to make her some dresses out of. I got grey velvet and a turquoise butterfly batik. I'm NOT going to use them for the same dress...
My countertops should be in on Tuesday - and I'm hoping to hire someone to install them... if I can't get anyone in in a good amount of time, I'll just have to do it myself.
I'm tired and bored with everything lately. I got a new student yesterday - and he will be in my room till next friday then he's moving back home. He is displaced child from the hurricane... seems dumb to me to enroll him in a new school in a new state for a week and a half...
At least he's well behaved.

I'm really wishing that I can miraculously get preggo this month - because then I'd find out that I was - on my birthday! And my 2 and ONLY babies would be 2 years apart. Which IMO is perfect. BUT I know it won't happen - and even if miracles upon miracles DID happen - DH would be totally and udderly pissed and I'd hate every minute of my pregnancy - and that is exactly what i DON'T want. So here I am wallowing in pity...
I feel a bit snide and rude today - so I'm staying away from the chat room. I am really annoyed by all the siggies w/ McCain and Palin in them. IMO that is a very bad choice and I can't fathom the reasons anyone would have for choosing them... I am tempted to go to the debate board just to ream someone out. And I'm SO not that kind of person....
I just see the economy suffering and it WAS fine before the bush debacle!
Now my dad who has always done well for himself is nearly bankrupt - his partner Bruce can't find a full time job doing ANYTHING to save himself and has to hire himself out as a handyman/cleaning lady/yard person.... He used to make a lot of $ as a landscape architect....not any more!
My brother had to forclose on his house because they just couldn't sell it - his wife was laid off.... and things aren't much better anywhere else I look.

Anyway - I'm crabby. I want things I can't have and I want to fix things I have no control over. I have piles of CRAP everywhere in my house and I want to fix that, but I also need to do home repairs - like get new glass in 2 windows... when the He!! am I going to get all this stuff done??? Hmmm???
I suppose I should do it instead of writing here...
DH is in the bathroom - and has been for the last 1/2 hour. this is the 3rd time he's done that today - I don't think he's even USING it! I think he hides in there - in fact - I KNOW he does! I should put a sticky note on the toilet saying "if you plan to spend so much time in here - at least sand and paint the window sashes, install the baseboard trim and clean out the medicine cabinet".... :roll: Can you tell I'm feeling snarky?
Night all... someone send me a miracle!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well I got to talk to some of the neighbors today. There are these 2 women who are partners - they have a construction business and a 2 1/2 y.o son. They came over because we are giving them some of the HUGE amounts of firewood we have. And then my neighbor came out with her 2 1/2 y.o daughter. She LOVES Rosie. Her name is Wren and she is so cute!
Rosie and her stuck their hands in the watering can and got all wet, then they went into her sandbox. It was great fun for both of them Biggrin Both of hte families are "green' and it's nice to not feel like a weirdo for wearing my baby in a backpack, feeding her organic food ... and yes, still nursing her over a year. The neighbor still nurses her daughter. DH and her go out w/ the girls to the library about once a week. It's a great thing.

I'm peeved today about a little thing - My bank said that they would automatically withdrawl the amount for my loan... well evidently they didn't because I got a letter in the mail today saying that my payment was late and I've been charged a late fee... Stupid people! Now i have to spend my lunch hour calling them to straighten it out. :irked:

Anyway - I put a lot of things away today and the house is feeling less cluttered. I tried to un-stick the livingroom window, but it wasn't budging, so I think I'm going to have to strip some of the paint Sad I'm really tempted to strip the paint off of the bathroom vanity too... because it needs painting, but if I put another layer of paint on it - the door won't shut Lol

Rosie LOVES her new babydoll - she carries it around with her everywhere she goes... she's had it less than a week and it's absolutely filthy. She even brought it to bathtime tonight. It looks much better now, but it's clothes are icky... they are going in the wash I'm about to start.

I really need to get more insulation in our attic... no $ right now... hopefully we'll save up some before the winter or we'll be paying for it in heat bills.
Time for laundry. Still wishing I was baking a sibling for Rosie...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay, well I"m feeling better about the not TTC thing. Things are too stressful right now and even though if I WERE preggo - which I'm NOT, the baby wouldn't be here till the end of the school year, I just am not ready.

Our countertops were delayed a couple of days, but they should be installed tomorrow Biggrin
and I'll have to try to get my plumber in to hook up the sink soon. I have to check to see if I have any silicone though, for the drain for the kitchen sink.

Rosie has been working on her other top 2 teeth for a week or more, and she's super crabby. She had ONE 15 minute nap yesterday. Today at least she's napping. I do think she is trying to transition to taking her long nap in the afternoon vs. the morning though. She's napping right now. I should be balancing my checkbook, but can't find the calculator and am not going to try to find the one on the computer. I need a break. I'll do it later tonight.

I need to find a better place to do our phone jack. Right now we have 2 - one is in Rosie's room, the other is in the middle of the livingroom.... so the phone is in the livingroom, and she keeps trying to call people. The jack is near the floor, and I can't hang the phone on the wall out of reach Sad

Oh and I'm feeling crampy. I think I'm O'ing late this month because I'm on CD 19 and feel icky... I usually O around CD 13-ish... I hope this doesn't mean that AF will kick my @ss...

I have a lot to do for work and I don't want to. I think this just solidifies for me that I want to be done teaching. I don't know what I DO want to do though. I wish it were easy to figure out and didn't cost lots of $.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay I have a countertop Yahoo
Just waiting on the plumber to call back to do the sink Biggrin I'm HOPING he'll volunteer his Saturday and do it tomorrow.... but I doubt it, so we'll probably have to wait till Monday. I will be getting my electric stuff put in Monday though. The range-hood and the DW wired up. I'm SO happy that we have a nice kitchen!!! I'm going to have to find some knobs for the cabniets. I bought some at Ikea and after taking them out of the package -I hate them. I'm not going to use them and I haven't found ones I like yet... but we currently can't open our drawers w/o them. I hope I find some soon.

I'm really confused by this cycle. I kept feeling crampy on and off mid cycle. and now I'm cd20, so I'm pretty sure that I already O'd, but who knows right? I suppose I should start temping again, but I don't want to. It's annoying because the thermometer takes so long to register the temp. Tomorrow morning I'm going to be balancing the checkbook and finding the paperwork to cash-in my retirement. I really don't want to, but I think I'll need it to pay for the next few things. We had a backed up sewer line that shot out $300 and then my car accident that took out another $500... and I've got a HUGE credit card bill because the countertop, sink, plumbing stuff, etc. is all on it as well as the groceries.

I'm 1/2 watching the presidential debates. I hate debates. the argumentative nature always makes me feel uncomfortable - even when I agree w/ them.

My back is killing me. I don't know what i did, but I'm going to probably take something for it. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and Rosie was like 3 or 4 and she was so excited. She would talk to my belly and I was okay- then the next scene I was really scared, DH was pacing and angry that we were having another baby that neither of us planned and Rosie had to end up taking care of it. DH was too mad to, and I was too sad that he was mad... weird. I think it it did happen, DH would get over it and adjust like he did when Rosie arrived. It took him some time, but he did fine.
I am still increasingly disenchanted w/ my job. I WANT to be a good teacher - but I don't want to spend the time to do everything neccesary. I should be leveling all of my reading book libraries - so I can provide appropriate books for the kids reading groups.... but I literally have thousands of books and I have NO time to read EVERY one and determine it's reading level and then label it! I could use the ones in the school's library collection, but then I have to check them all out and again read them all to make sure they are labeled right. Oh and the stupid thing of if one gets lost - I have to pay for it! WTH? So I wouldn't be able to send them home with the kids. Plus I'm not excited about trying to get the kids motivated in reading groups.

I did sign up for a teacher training course in word study, so I'm hoping that it will help me become more motivated. IDK. I just want to be a SAHM and doula for a few years.... DH is going to have to sell a novel and hit the big time first though. which I'm not seeing anytime soon. Sad

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well my back is REALLY killing me. Usually meds don't help - but I think I'm going to take some Aleve as soon as my heat pack stops helping.
Rosie was up at 3am and again for good at 6am. I'm very tired. She used to sleep till 7, but lately it's 6:00 almost EXACTLY for the last week. Sad

I am really annoyed about the windows in my house - they are wood and used to be nice - stained a dark color... well. the guy that lived here before us painted them a number of times and so now all the top sashes are painted shut. I've been working on fixing this one window in particular because the top sash was painted shut - but it wasn't all of the way shut, so hte window doesn't seal or lock. I used the putty knife and razor knife, and thought I got it un-stuck, but nope, still doesn't budge :evil:

I saw one of my neighbors walking down the street w/ her 2 y.o. and her new baby. Last time I saw her a couple weeks ago she was hugely pregnant. I have never met her, just seen her, but she has 2 beautiful boys! I really wish that my situation was different and DH and I could agree to have ONE more - and by then our insurance would cover procedures. Heck I'd even go for a hystorectomy! I HATE having AF.... But I would really just do the tubal. Anyhow, Rosie is getting so big and though she still drives us nuts sometimes w/ her toddler attitude, she is a VERY good baby. I can see her sharing a room w/ her new sibling - her in a twin bed on one side, the crib on the other. Them being good friends etc.
Ah - to dream :oops:
I really need to go into school today too. I have NOT planned much at all for next week and I need to get going on that. Afterall- I've got to have something for those kids to do when they get into my room tomorrow - and I need something for my volunteer to do on Tuesday!
Another day - more crap to do.

Oh! the counters were installled and so was the sink! Yahoo Now I just need to finish putting up the trim on the kitchen window and finish painting and put the knobs on and the kick boards and it will be DONE! Maybe my sister will help w/ the kick boards when she comes for my birthday next week?

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well my back still hurts like @#%*.... and School is going okay - the students were wild today, but I think it's because of the season change. It all of a sudden seems like fall here - cool and breezy, leaves starting to fall.

I couldn't help but stare today at my co-worker.. she has a great baby bump - so jealous... Rosie is still battling a cold and is snotty and grumpy and clingy, but she still is %100 happy if you hold her the whole time. She has been fighting naps lately though. She slept a total of 50 minutes all day. DH was exhausted when I came home from work.

My volunteer that helps in my classroom every Tuesday was not here. She went to MAss to help her daughter move into her new house and didn't get back yet. OH well.. I ended up getting everything done. I need to do more though.

My feet are freezing! DH had the windows open all day and the house is 68 degrees... the heater kicks on if it is colder than that, I might have to change the heater to 70... i'm too cold!

I'm crampy feeling today too, I wonder if I'm O'ing late, or what? I am so confused. I have had regular cycles since they came back, and now this. Maybe I'm just over thinking it. I'm cooking a veggie lasagna (the frozen kind) and it smells so good! Rosie finally went down for a nap (it's 6) and I hope that she sleeps 1/2 hour, but I just heard her rolling around in there.

She has been so good at climbing lately, and i'm freaking out that I'm going to have to put her in a regular bed instead of the crib. Then we'll get NO sleep! she loves to run around and bang on the windows and empty the drawers etc. I am going to need to build her a rubber room with a mattress....

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well my back still hurts! It has never hurt for this long before... it's getting really old.
I'm super bloated today too... AF has got to be ready to play some nasty trick on me. If I have a back ache this bad for 7 days now and the AF cramps and the serious bloat... I see myself having to call in sick on Monday when the :witch: finally does show... I'm expecting her though on my birthday on Sunday.. what a nasty gift that will be. Cramps, etc. and this one is already feeling extra bad. :evil:

Part of me wishes that it wasn't AF knocking.. that it was something else if you get what I mean...but that would devastate DH... he would be SO pissed and would probably somehow try to blame me. Trust me, as much as I want 2 babes, now is NOT the time... I'm super stressed at work, Rosie is being a handful w/ her instant attitudes and she's off on all her sleeping etc....

I AM excited that my sister is coming for a visit this weekend. She is such a positive soul. I really hope that it helps w/ my mood and DH's as well. DH was in a SUPER foul mood today. I don't believe he said anything nice all day.

And to make it worse - I had to work all day, he got to take Rosie to an awesome pumpkin patch w/ 6 other families and thier babies from play group Sad Talk about jealous! Rosie had a great time and they brought home 4 pumpkins... well 3 of them were really squash, but they look great sitting in a group on our stoop.

I guess it's a combo of pms and DH 's crankiness that makes me feel blah today. It started out this morning w/ Rosie waking up 20 minutes early. DH tried to get her to calm down so I could sleep in till my usual time... but she wanted the boob.... he started out trying to be nice.
So I nursed her in bed and he made himself some coffee and got to work on his writing... almost an hour later I come out of the bedroom w/ Rosie and talk to him about needing him to take our carseat out of my car so he can go to the pumpkin farm. He crabbed and cranked... he didn't want to take a break in his day to remove the seat from the car or learn how to use it. My back hurt like He!! and I couldn't physically do it. Rosie was running like a wild child in the livingroom and screaming at the top of her lungs (in delight of the new day)... that DH just got grumpier because of the noise... and then grumpy because I had to leave for work. :evil:

Then work goes okay.. the kids were good. But I never had a chance to make or grab breakfast this morning... and then I had to shove a t.v dinner in my lunchbox for lunch - and when I took it out of the microwave to stir, the box was flimsy and 1/2 of it spilled on the floor Sad
THe rest of the day went well at work though - but DH was still in a grump when I got home, so even though I planned to sit down to rest and heat my back, he really needed me to watch Rosie so he could get a break, so I took her w/ me to town and we walked a few blocks, stopped at a shoe store and went to the organic grocery. DH took a nap while we were gone and was better when we returned. He made us dinner and Rosie ran around the house happy as can be. I got some great pics.

I decided to take a field trip w/ Rosie and my sister to the pumpkin patch again this weekend. DH said she loved seeing the cows and pigs - but he forgot the camera, so I'll have to try to get pics from the neighbor and the others from playgroup - but I should be able to get some more pics this weekend.

Ah well... that's my life as I know it.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well today I'm 31... it makes me sad to know that I'm not preggo.. and Rosie does not have a sibling anywhere in the future.
My sister came here from ATL this weekend and that was really nice. When she left tears came to my eyes. I miss her already. We used to be fairly close, then not so much after her relationships went sour, but now we are getting closer again...
I found a test in my cupboard..negative... as i expected...and another day.
AF is still not here. CD30... this is as long as I've ever had. My back is FINALLY feeling better, not totally better, but better. It started feeling better yesterday.

My mom sent $ w/ my sister to buy me some birthday dinner. I got chinese last night. My sister made me lunch today - several of my favorites - garlic mashed potatoes, shrimp and bacon and mushrooms, etc. I thought about getting broccoli with cheese, but they were out at the store.

Rosie rode with me for the 2x 45 minute drives to the airport and back - she cried 1/2 the time and finally fell asleep - only to cry every 5 minutes while she "napped"... She had a total of 30 minutes of nap. At least she took a long morning nap.

Yesterday my sister and I took Rosie to the pumpkin patch. It was great! We got LOTS and LOTS of pumpkins for less than $20 and Rosie got to see the cows, pigs and goats. She did fall not too long after we got there and bumped her new tooth, and it bled a little.
I'm feeling sad today - I have a LOT to do for work and NO idea what I'm going to do... my boss is observing me on Wednesday morning... and we have a field trip Tuesday Sad
I love my baby girl and I love that I have a stable job... but it is not easy to feel only 1/2 motivated to do my job. And on top of that I SO want to be preggo - DH doesn't. If I did get accidentally pregnant, I 1/2 think he'd want me to terminate Sad . I just want things to be different. Plus we have this huge debt hanging over our heads from the renovations. :grrrrr :

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well - still feeling a bit stressed. Still no sign of AF - which is one day late now.. probably due to the stress. I still wish and un-wish for a surprise.
Rosie was up 5 times last night - she was so weird! She woke around 2:30 and would cry till I went in and held her for 1 minute - and then she'd go instantly to sleep, I'd lay her down and she'd sleep for 15 minutes and wake up screaming. Repeat that every 15 minutes till about 4:00ish.

I also had a faculty meeting today over NOTHING. I hate those. Such a waste of time.
I'm home now and Rosie has SO much energy, she won't even let me play with her. She's opening and shutting the windows, pushing the kitchen chairs all over, climbing the sofa etc. We gave her a snack of peanut butter on bread. She loves that stuff! We tested it on her several times over the last couple weeks and she's had no reaction.
Otherwise it was a good day - the wild child in my classroom was home sick today, but I'm sure he'll be back for tomorrow's field trip and Wednesday's evaluation from the principal.
Then I got home - and my car insurance was due today... they upped it $75 every 6 months because of my accident. There goes $400 that i don't have Sad

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well as much as I want another LO... I'm relieved to see AF... in some ways. She came almost 9 days later than EVER before.. and had me a bit freaked out.
DH and I are both relieved. Him mostly and me BECAUSE of him.

But in other news - we have become good friends w/ our neighbors since moving in a couple months ago. They have a 2y.o. who is almost exactly 1 year older than Rosie. She is really a sweet girl. Anyway - They are having a hard time right now because the guy is in school to finish his teaching degree, and is taking 9!!! college classes - like 20 credits... and so he has a TON of projects to do - and because he's in school full time PLUS - his wife has been working extra at her job (which is 3/4 time) at the university library. So anyway- DH has been offering to help out by watching their DD so they can get stuff done. I came home from work Friday and DH was just heading out w/ Their 2 year old and Rosie in a double stroller for a walk to play at the park .I tagged along, but he was going to go by himself :eek: .... I know he would have done a great job - and I was just surprised how confident he was in that. Hopefully this is a good sign that he may be ready for another child one day... I know - wishful thinking right?

I am VERY excited though because we've not had friends in the other 2 states we've lived in for the last 7 years! It's SO sad! We are losers Wink - but now things are really falling into place for us. We have lots of new friends (DH mostly because he gets to meet people while I'm at work. Oh and this morning we met at our neighbor's house for breakfast. It was really nice to get to talk to them more.

I worked on re-glazing a window today - it took a LONG time! I only have 12 more left to do... :roll: I don't think it will get done before winter gets here ... and the 2 windows in DH's office (3rd bedroom) are NOT in good shape at all. One is broken badly and the other - the wood is soft. I'm going to have them looked at by a window company and see if we can get just those replaced at a good price. We are SO broke right now it's not even funny....

Well I am really sad that I'm not preggo - because this was my last chance for this year. Otherwise I have to wait till next fall because I would need another late spring/early summer baby to make it work for my job. I guess it's something to look forward to. I'm planning on paying down MAJOR debt and getting this house in order by then. And then I'll just have to convince DH .
So if we DID ttc and we did get another LO - if the next one was not a girl - how long could siblings of the opposite sex share a room before it becomes weird? Because we were planning on finishing off the attic to make an upstairs -but it is only 7 feet at the peak. so that really dashes that for using it for a bedroom... and DH isn't going to want his office up there w/ his knees. Maybe we could find a bigger place in this neighborhood and sell off our current and move again? Nah - we'll just make them sleep on bunk beds in our tiny place and when they are both 5 & 7 we'll move one to the office - and the office stuff in the livingroom?

Who cares - it will never happen anyway. :cry:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay - well the presidential debate is on.... McCain is stupid - IMO of course... The whole health care thing is rediculous and right now he is talking about how Roe v. wade should be overturned.... and that it should be up to individual states :roll: Yeah - like that's going to make women's lives safter :roll:

I am annoyed about everything today though - so I guess I shouldn't even be talking. But OMG! How annoying!

Today at school the kids and I made gingerbread cookies - they loved it. it was a nice break from the hard core - must-teach-reading-and-math.... crap that we have to do constantly.

I'm mad that Rosie will not have a sibling 2 years older than her. I have to wait till next summer/fall Sad DH will hopefully be ready then - I doubt it, but maybe. I can wish - I can be an optimist right? The annoying thing is that he's a pessimist - through and through.
HE is trying today though - but it's because I basically let him have it the other day about how pessimistic he has been and how frustrated and stressed I am about it.
I am NOT wanting to go to work - I want to be what some of you have - an optimistic spouse, be a SAHM, and have a DH on board for having another child. I feel SO alone and so bored and so unmotivated. It's rough. I want a new job, I want to do something real - not that teaching isn't real, but I want something that is really fun, meaningful and interesting on a daily basis. I WANT to be a doula full time, I want to be something else. I want something different.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, It's 4am... I've been awake since about 2 when Rosie started crying. She is teething and so every 3-4 days she wakes in the night crying. Last night she woke twice, but went right back to sleep on her own. Tonight I had to go in 5 times to rock her. Each time she'd fall back asleep on her own..... for 10 minutes :roll:
DH is totally pissed. I'm F**ing sorry, but I have to work tomorrow (today) and I have to get a LOT done. and he gets to stay home w/ her - and yeah, I know it's not easy, but COME ON! At least he has the CHANCE to take a nap... I don't even get the chance to sit down.
Anyway - the third time she woke crying, He asked if I wanted him to go and I said yes, well, he went but he was soo pissy that she she refused to calm down because he was NOT calm... and so I had to get up anyway.
I just finished rocking her and I figure what's the point in getting any sleep if she's just going to wake me again as soon as I doze off. I think she might stay down this time though - I gave her some tylenol and rocked her a VERY long time.

Anyhow - while i was rocking her i just cried and cried. Partially because I'm frustrated w/ her, but mostly because I'm mad at DH. I want another baby - and yeah, I know it won't be easy, but I think Rosie deserves a sibling, and I want the joy of another child too. I also want them close in age - and at BEST they would be 3 years apart. Unless he miraculously decided to DTD this cycle - they would end up w/ the same birthday... but that is SOOOO not going to happen.
I'm also frustrated that our house is small. Well the house itself isn't small... the spaces are small. The bedrooms are dinky and even though the living room is big, we have stuff spread out and not organized at all. I would love to put an addition on the back of the house - maybe I will one day. Maybe next summer - but probably not. We don't have that kind of $ right now - and won't likely then either. But if we could do that next summer, I think DH's mood would improve. He would not feel so cramped. HE is feeling better though since I installed the floor to ceiling shelving in his office.

I'm happy though that I got the wood chimney removed and my mom and sister are coming for T-giving. THat should be fun. DH will probably be freaked out about it, but who cares!
I plan to get Rosie's room painted by then and then the 3 of us girls can make a mural on her wall.

Anyway - Rosie is the reason that i go to work every day - the reason I wake up each morning, and the reason that I love being a mother. Yes it's hard, and yes I love DH very much, but sometimes I just wish that he was a different kind of person - someone who wanted children as much as I do, someone w/ a more tolerant demeanor.... Overall he's great, but those few nit picky things - you know?
I just have no idea what I'm even going to teach later today - and I don't even care. I'll probably make something up at the last minute - although I really should do guided reading groups. I probably will... i have the books copied and some other things set out.
CRAP! My volunteer is coming - which means I need to get to work early - so I can set stuff out for her and at least make it appear that I'm not a super slacker!
Ah well... another day in the life of miserable me.
NIght - or should I say morning? the sun is about to come up... but I should try to go back to bed.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So I've been swamped lately answering PM's from my board members about several issues :roll: Anyway, it's put me into a complete funk and work is dragging on, I've got parent-teacher conferences coming up and it's gotten cold out. Which means I have almost NO time to finish my needed exterior painting! It's actually supposed to freeze tonight!

I have SO much to do and NO motivation what so ever to do it.

I guess the good news is that I finally forced myself to make a facebook page. I still have basically no idea how to use it, but that's alright. I just googled a long lost friend of mine. Turns out she just got married a year ago, and they live about 3 hours from me. I'll have to try to hook up with her at some point. We never had a falling out, just life I guess.

DH is doing a bit better. He is really getting along well with our neighbor who is a dad as well. The neighbor really likes kids, and I think it's rubbing off on DH some. Biggrin
Anyway, I got some windows glazed and painted yesterday - but I have SO much more to do. I think I might just go and do one more right now so I can say I got something done.
Rosie is desperately trying to grow 3 teeth. The one has been a huge white lump on her gums for seriously 3 weeks... I can't wait till it comes in. I kinda wish she had 7 coming in right now though and she'd get it all over with at once. That would be really nice!

I have to try to figure out what to do about our driveway. It is RIGHT up against the foundation, and the previous owner put another layer of concrete on top of the original layer, so now it's up past the top of 2 of the basement window sills, which has caused the concrete of the sill to deteriorate due to water leaking under the driveway and salt etc. in the winter. so now I have to find a mason contractor to fix the sills and get 3 new basement windows. I have NO money left, my credit card is nearly maxed out and our home equity line of credit is maxed too (almost) I hate money issues.
BUT the good news is that I have paid for everything that we will need to pay for except for the replacement windows. I might try to do them myself. It shouldnt' be too hard. but I'd still want a mason to fix the sills.
And I need to get someone w/ a jackhammer to come out and break up our driveway. so that it fixes the problem.

There is this guy that wants our firewood and our old wood-burning stove chimney, and I'm going to see if he will trade us that stuff for his services to jack up our driveway. See he owns a paving and hauling company. That would be GREAT!
Anyhow, off to do a window.

I'm in the 9 more months of waiting before we can TTC, and we are STILL at the point of DH not wanting to. hopefully we can pay off this debt and get the house in order and go for it this summer Biggrin

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well today is a good day, other than it's daylight savings tomorrow and I'm worried about Rosie's sleep.

She grew 3 teeth this week, so she hasn't slept or ate well in at least 8 days. She now is in the habit of waking in the night twice. And she got used to eating purees again because that is all she WOULD eat when she was teething 3 front teeth. So now she just mashes all her food w/ her fingers and throws it on the floor.:(

I am still desperately wanting another baby, DH is probably still on the same page, but haven't even bothered to ask. Afterall, there is NO WAY I could even try till next summer at the earliest. Rosie has been a handful lately because of the teeth, so DH would freak if I asked now anyway. Oh and lots of members of my birth board are due in the next couple weeks, and I can't help but think that I wish it was me, but also at the same time, how on EARTH would I be able to handle Rosie w/ her current sleeplessness, not wanting to eat, clingy etc. WITH a newborn. I don't see it. I guess DH was right about that part, it being hard right now.

On another good note, I glazed 3 more windows today and the neighbor will baby sit Rosie for a couple hours tomorrow so DH and I can finish glazing the rest of the windows and get them primed so we can paint them next weekend. That would be SO great if we can get that done soon.
Oh! and my mom, sister, and grandparents just called and said they will be coming for t-giving. IT should be a LOT of fun I haven't had a big t-giving in years and I love to cook. I'm so excited to see them. My grandparents are 85 and 90, and they are going to drive here for it. So it's NO EXCUSE why DH's grandparents - who are 8 years younger, have yet to meet Rosie. But we are going to have to drive Rosie up to them this spring. NOthing like meeting your grandchild for the first time when she's 22 months old!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Things have been crazy busy at work with halloween, parent teacher conferences, report cards etc.
I'ts finally over!

Dh is "tired" and is sleeping - rosie just went down for a nap. I had grand plans of finishing painting the windows, but DH gets mad when I make ANY noise while he sleeps, so I guess scraping and painting the bedroom window is out. I think I'll go outside in the COLD and sand the door for Rosie's closet and hopefully get that painted too. I think I'll bring it into the basement to paint it after I sand it. At least down there it's not so cold.

I went w/ my neighbor to the farmer's market this morning. It was soooo cold! I put Rosie's winter coat, hat and lambswool boots on her, but forgot her mittens. She was so cold! So I had to take her coat off of her and put it back on her w/o her arms in the sleeves so it would keep her hands warm. She was mad at first, but she got over it. Maybe I'll make some veggie soup w/ the leeks and other yummy things I got at the market...

I am excited today to go to a meeting for homebirths. Here in IL where I live, it is illegal for professional midwives to attend births in people's homes. CRAZY - it makes people either hire un-qualified providers in order to have a home birth, or they go in to the hospital where they are NOT comfortable, or they do it w/o a provider at all... none of which are good for mom or baby. So I"m going to the meeting and they will have a petition to sign for changing that. The vote in the state is supposed to be the end of NOV?
Gotta run - I want to get SOMETHING done for the house today!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Okay, so I'm in a bit of a crappy mood.
Rosie has NOT been sleeping because of all the previous teething/ illness and she got used to being rocked and attention in the middle of the night.
So i'm obviously very tired- DH is even more so. He has that weird thing where if he can't get a certain amount of sleep each day he's awful to be around...

Anyhow, last night was terrible. We decided to let her cry - to get over this "need" to be rocked. Well, DH kept complaining, so not only did I have to listen to my ONLY child cry for over an hour - but I had to listen to my DH complain the entire time too. I was SO mad! It felt like everyone was mad at me. i know it's not the case, but STILL

So then DH finally got so angry he got out of bed for a while. I got sick of hearing Rosie cry and DH complain, so I went in there, hugged Rosie and laid her back down. I stood there while my back ached BAD while stooping over the crib w/ my hand rubbing her back. After she finally fell asleep, I sat in the rocking chair in her room and cried. I just so badly want her and DH to be happy and it was so awful.

Then I kept thinking - HOW ON EARTH will DH ever change his mind (not that I actually expect him to) if she keeps on screaming in the night, not napping, etc.??? I started feeling somewhat mad at her for her behavior, like it was in some way her fault that I can't have another baby. It made me so upset to even think that I would THINK that! I also got really upset yesterday when I boxed up a few things for my friend to use w/ her baby. The infant car-seat winter fleece cover, the rear-view mirrors, the side sun shades, etc.

I'm finding myself super jealous about her and her 5 weeks till the happiest day of her life. And as I type this Rosie's crying in her sleep again :cry:
I'm feeling very stressed again and somewhat depressed. At least I have my family to look forward to - oh and I got in touch w/ 2 of my best friends from high school. One who I've known since I was probably 7. So that's a good thing right? right?

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well I guess I shoudl try to post here when I"m NOT feeling like crap - like everything sucks.....

Well today it does.
Rosie has been sick for almost a month - not sick exactly - just not herself. She grew 3 teeth, had a cold, got shots, had a reaction to the shots, got an ear infection, etc. And to top it all off, she decided that it's easier to scream than to try to communicate. SOOOO Dh is NOT one to listen to much screaming w/o going nutso, so when she starts screaming to get what she wants - he gives it to her... GREAT! (sarcastic) So now whenever she doens't get what she wants, she arches her back and screams and pitches a fit.... JOY!
So that means that DH is pissed because he had to listen to screaming all day - and so when I get home - what happens???
He leaves because he's had it (which I understand) but now she's screaming because he left, because I'm not holding her, or putting her down, or taking her outside etc. SORRY! So I spend nearly 2 hours trying to remind her that she knows how to ask to be picked up, set down, given food or drink etc. (she signs them) - and she pitches fit after fit... but eventually starts signing again. Then I get a phone call from MIL - she's doing okay - then DH gets back from his walk - and he keeps walking past her and going into rooms and shutting the door in her face and not talking to her at all - WHILE I"M on the phone w/ HIS mom! and so every time he shuts a door, Rosie screams and pitches a fit - and wants a hug, then wants down... and wants up and wants down. And then what happens? She finds the mean cat - sleeping on the diningroom chair - and reaches through the bars on the back of the chair and grabs a handful of kitty - and gets bit - HARD - yep 4 perfect fang marks around her forearm.
SCREAMING bloody murder - DH doesn't even come out of the office :roll:
His mom said she'll hang up and then asks if DH will talk to her (she knew he was in a pissy mood)... SO I go in to ask if he wants to talk to her and he gets all mad at me for even asking - and stomps in there and talks to her - the whole time - mad at me. While I wash the puncture wounds on Rosie's arm and get her ready for bed. THank goodness I put a long sleeve shirt on her - it just BARELY didn't break the skin...
And to top it all off, I not only had to come home late (at 5 instead of 3:30) because of a baby shower at work - which I'm insanely jealous of - even though she wants a natural birth and likely can't have one because her LO is breech right now... (not jealous of that - but I'd take a Csection if I could have another LO).... but it was SO hard to be happy for her all the while knowing it will never be me. Not that I want to be the center of attenion or EVER have another baby shower (I don't ) but because she has a wonderful round belly and she had no idea the joy she will have being a mommy. WHat am I saying? THis sucks - not the mommy part - but the dumb crap that sneaks in...
anyhow - that AND my boss comes in this afternoon (Principal) and she tells me that I'm getting a new student - GREAT! Now I not only didnt' have time afterschool to get his stuff ready, but I won't be able to get it done tomorrow morning likely either. Since DH is so pissy, I probably can't convince him into letting me go to work early to get stuff done. I still have to get the new kid a lunch card, name tag, hook tag, folder, turn stick, job board name, re-do the reading board, get his assessments pulled together and hopefully done etc. etc. etc.

So I get online to let off some steam and DH watches TV. and crap is flying on my birth board. I am SO not in the mood. I have 2 e-mails from others that are having crappy days - and I really feel badly for them too - some of them are having worse days than me - believe it or not.

I finally go to bed - DH is already there. I try to be nice knowing he had a crappy day. It's awful hearing baby screams all day! I know! And I lay in bed next to him and he tells me how mad he is -how frustrated he is- and it's obvious to me that he's falling into another bout of depression. He was like this last Aug. and Sept.
It's AWFUL! I SO wish he wasn't prone to this. It makes me on edge and I'm sure it makes Rosie too.
I'm just sitting here crying because I tried to talk to him and help hiim to deal w/ Rosie when she is like that and his only comment was that he "can't wait till she starts school so he doesn't have to deal with her" OMG!!!
How could he say that??? I would do anything ANYTHING to be home with her and evne though the screaming would annoy the heck out of me - I'd rather not miss her growing up. I am just so sad. and mad. And the worst is that I KNOW that i'll never have another baby - he can't even handle ONE toddler - and she's usually so good.
She is just crabby from her cold, rash, teeth lately and it's all come one after the other that she's out of sorts and got into the bad habit of screaming to get what she wants. I finally got her out of doing that in the night. Now hopefully I can get her out of doing it during the day when I'm with her all weekend.
My family is coming next weekend after a 3 day week at school - so hopefully I can survive this spell and so can DH .
THIS SUCKS! but at least the cake I made for the shower was yummy - I get left overs tomorrow Biggrin

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well today is getting a bit better. Rosie has decided to STTN again - thank goodness!!!!

BUT she is now into climbing - everything. The kitchen chairs, and table, the coffee tables, the baby gate (not over, just on), her toy tub, etc. And she loves to sit in the kitchen chairs and sit at the table like an adult and "read" mail and magazines. Tonight she sat there for about 1/2 hour and played playdough! She never even tried to eat it, which was surprising because she licks EVERYTHING else!
I also got a lot done today so I feel like things are a bit more positive. I planted over 100 bulbs in the yard. I can't wait for spring! I also cut down this hugely overgrown hedge in the front of our house - it looks SO much better! But now we have a giant pile of brush and decaying logs and I want them gone! We can't burn either... and the city won't pick it up, so I'm going to have to pay to have it removed.

But things are starting to look up in that respect. the house and yard is getting nicer.
Oh and I cleaned out the eaves and painted 3 windows too. I really want to put lights up around the windows on the porch. I'll probably have to wait till my family comes this weekend to help me with it.
OH AND! a new friend of ours that we just met, came over yesterday to "help" me complete the construction on our back entry closet. I got the rest of it framed and partially drywalled. She wanted to learn how to do framing and drywall so she can repair a spot in her wall where a fishtank used to be. She's really nice. It was fun, but I didn't get it completely done. I need to buy some shims to re-install the door frame and hang the door on it. I also need to get some lumber to re-frame the old door opening as an opening vs. a rough hole in the wall. Once that's done it should look GREAT! I can hardly wait. Having another closet and a more finished house will be so relaxing!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well i just had a great time with my family for Thanksgiving. My mom, sister and grandparents came. I had them help me paint a mural for Rosie's room. Really it's just a big board that I'm going to have everyone in the family paint something on. I'm hoping that I can bring it with me to MI when I go for spring break so that Andy's granparents will be able to sign it. One set of them hardly ever travels, and the other set ... well let's just say, I don't expect them to visit seeing that they still have not met Rosie and she's 16 months old!
So for that, each person gets to paint one thing - anything they want. I painted a daisy, my sister painted a fence, my mom painted a rose, my grandma painted this flower with red hearts instead of flowers and the flower hearts spell LOVE and my grandpa painted a tennis racket.

I also just found out that my cousin is pregnant. She just found out a week or so ago. She is about 35 and has a 2 y.o. son. She was in the Business of Being Born movie... she's an actress who used to live in NYC and now is in Austin. I'm very excited for her, but also jealous. Rosie is almost exactly one year younger than her son Xander, and now she gets to have another. I'm REALLY hoping that at this time next year I'll be pregnant too.... but I doubt it. And then Rosie will be 3 when her sibling is born, just like Xander will be. I kinda wonder if my cousin will be doing a homebirth? That would be SO awesome!
Oh -and they owned this house in NJ, across the river from NYC, and they fixed it up and sold it for a ton of $, and so bought this GREAT house in Austin where the cost of living is so much less than NYC - I am so jealous of their house right about now. I would love a huge livingroom, spacious bedrooms, and no urgent repairs.... :roll: It's totally not fair that the people WITH the money don't have to spend extra $ on repairs, etc. It's just backward! The people w/o the money should be able to avoid paying for expensive stuff!

Okay, so I'm coming down with a cold, Rosie is stuffy, and she now has a wicked yeast rash from her antibiotics she just finished due to her previous ear infection :roll: things never let up!
AND it's supposed to snow - a lot - tonight. This will be the first snow this winter here where it sticks to the ground - and I'm excited that it will be Rosie's first snow that she remembers - but it also means that my students at school will be TERRIBLE and unruly, not only because it's been a 4 day weekend, but also the first snow AND then on Wednesday, I have a random parent coming in to observe my classroom to see if they think they want their kid to come to our school next year. I need to go into work and get a bunch of crap done which I have no desire to do. I hate this....
I'm going to go now to the job website for the city and local hospital and see if anything catches my eye.
Oh and there is going to be a Doula workshop here in my city this March and I REALLY want to go to it and get re-certified as a doula - but Andy is not on board. He does not want me to be on call. I am SO upset. i really want to be a doula. I think that is what I'm supposed to be - and I CAN'T be one with my current job. I need a job where i can just go in - do my work, come home and NOT think about my work 24/7... and where I can leave if I NEED to so I can still doula. I think my DREAM job would be as a pregnancy counselor when I go meet with clients on MY schedule and can doula when it works out. That would be GREAT!
But alas.. I'm stuck here in this staleness... but at least it's reliable. If I do what I WANT to do - there is no job security.. funding varies from year to year, maybe even day to day. I think I need more security than that. I wish I didn't though.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

well I have come to the conclusion that Dh will never get it. He doesn't understand my desire to be a doula, and when I asked him to watch Rosie this afternoon, he didn't understand when I told him that he could go to the library first and then watch her because she needed a nap and shouldn't be out on a walk in the cold when it's her nap time. She slept for almost 2 hours, which she would not have done if he had taken her with him.... so then he gets home and I tell him that I decided that I'm sad about the whole doula thing, frustrated and disinterested in my job etc. and that I am not going to go in to work and get stuff done - I just don't want to. i have no desire to be there on the weekend. And he basically just shrugs it off and tells me that I have a good deal as a teacher and get lots of vacations. :roll: True, but if you don't like it - how is it a good deal? Maybe I'd like it better if I was a single grade teacher vs. a split grade teacher. I kinda hope that the kindergarten coordinator job opens back up and I can do that instead. It would give me much more flexibility, more $ and though it would be more time - I'd be able to doula with it as well....

I just hate things right now. I suppose I'm not helping though. DH seems frustrated with me, he just wants to write for joy - and I want him to, but I get no breaks. He doesn't get the breaks he wants either. So he's mad. I just wish he'd realize that he has a sweet deal he gets to do what he likes, and watch Rosie. He sees watching her as "being stuck" and not getting to be what he wants. I feel the same way - I just want to do something I like, something fun, something that seems worth my time.

Rosie was airing out because of her yeast rash and just peed on the upholstered kitchen chair, pulled the cat's tail and Andy just came shouting at me - not really at me, but to me about how he can't stand this. Oh and she was playing with a gourd, DH put it on the bathroom counter, and the cat knocked it into the toilet, Rosie fished it out, and tried to eat it... then he just stripped R naked and is letting her run around and ignoring her. gotta go. my job to do something about it.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Life sucks. I hate so much right now. It's sad really. the only things that keep me going at this point are Rosie, my family, and the hope that one day I'll get to do what I want with my life.
I am incredibly saddened by DH. He is so unwilling to see the good in our daughter and our lives - which in turn makes me feel the same way. It feels like I spend all day at work waiting for the moment I get to go home and see Rosie and him, and he spends all day waiting for me to come home so he can get rid of her and go into a room and shut the door on the world. I can't take it anymore. I'm not in any mood to even eat. I cried for about 1/2 hour while I folded laundry. Do you know why? it's because I folded DH's shirt - the t-shirt that he wore the day our daughter was born. I remembered how he cried when he first held her, and how great he has been... and I feel such loss for that. He still is a good dad, but lately he's been increasingly NOT enjoying being home with her.
Last night he said that if he could get a job where someone would pay him to do what HE wants, he'd do and and let me stay home w/ Rosie. I WISH WISH WISH that could be the case, but I know him. Not only will he not look for that job, but I also know that it doesn't exist. He is a GREAT writer and his is SO smart, but he is also obstinent and won't take well to ANY job where he has to have regular hours, and isn't able to be creative. I kinda wish he'd get a job as a librarian, where he could do some of the writing he loves, and get to help others find the joy of reading and he would get to share the info he knows and loves. But, he does not have a degree in it, so he could not get librarian pay - just book shelver pay. It sucks. And even if that job was available to someone with an associates degree, he wouldn't go for it.

I think I may take a stand, and sign up for the doula training. AND I am seriously thinking of contacting some midwives and seeing if they will let me shadow them for a few weeks this summer. I just need something different. I also think that I will look into becoming a kindergarten transition coordinator for next school year. I'd have the flexibility of working "other" hours and being able to come and go (thus allowing me to doula). I'm not sure how secure that job is though. Right now we don't have one at our building, and the one we did have last year was forced to teach first grade this school year - at last minute. They have not filled her job, and I should check w/ my principal about when they expect to do that if I could PLEASE apply!
I know my MIL was a nurse for a long time and said that it is very stressful and un-ending during the busy times. And I get that, but she worked in a doctor's office - for kids with cancer. I think that I'd like to be a RN for L&D, which would only be busy when there is a full moon Lol
Anyhow. I'm so drained, bored, and indifferent about life. If it wasn't for Rosie and my mom, sister, etc. I would NOT have any reason to even get out of bed each day.
Last night I put Rosie to bed, she did not go right to sleep, and started crying. i tried to get on here to talk to myself and take a moment to think... so I asked DH to go in and rock her for a few minutes. He tried - sort of, but after about 4 minutes of her crying and him not attempting to comfort her %100, she freaked and I had to go in and rock her for another 15 minutes and she was out. I then brushed my teeth and went to bed. Didn't even feel like saying goodnight to DH . I am just peeved that he is behaving the way he is. I know that a lot of it is his winter depression, and the doctor didn't listen to him last week when he asked her for help. This is a REAL thing for him. I need him to have help. I am not able to sit here and see this day after day. I just want it to go away. I want the school year to get over with. I want a different job, I want DH to feel like he is accomplishing something so he is less likely to be depressed. I want him to want another child. I miss what I had at my old job in VA. I had a great job, a great assistant, a wonderful social worker, the ability to come and go so I could doula, and a house that needed no repairs. Yes there were a lot of things that I hated.... like the distance from my family, the hard red clay that didnt' even grow grass, the long commute, and the shallow friendships I made. But the good things were so good. Here there are good things too.... real friendships and a roof over my head, closer to family, etc. but it's just not the same. I don't get to BE who I want to be. I just have to live in a vaccuum.
Time to wake up the sunshine of my life from her nap. I should probably eat something. nothing sounds edible today.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well things are going better. DH has been in a better mood for the last 2 days - which makes just being home like a whole new world. I really am hoping that this bout of depression he's going through is on it's way out. It sure seems like it. Now if I could just get Rosie to go to sleep like she used to. I used to read her 2 stories, rock her and sing to her for maybe 3 minutes and then lay her down 1/2 awake and she'd go to sleep on her own. Now I can still do that, but 5 mintues later - she is pissed and screaming and throws her pacifier across the room and kicks her crib rails HARD. And then I have to go back in there to settle her. I've tried just letting her cry for a bit, but she just gets more and more mad and starts gagging....

I can tell for sure that I'm stressed, not that it's a secret, but my nails grow SUPER fast when I'm stressed, and I swear they grew 1/4 inch this week :eek:
I am still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for x-mas time. DH's family wants us to come for x-mas eve, and I would ideally like to go to MI to see my dad, and possibly DH's grandparents (although I think they go south during that time). It just seems like a lot to do and as much as I'd love to travel, there's the little thing of a toddler AND trying to find someone to babysit our 2 cats.
Oh well, we'll figure it out eventually.

OH - today i took Rosie to bedtime story time at the library. She loved it and was hugging all the boys, and even kissed one little boy on the lips Lol BUT there was this family there that really bothered me. I guess I'm just judgemental... but both parents were there with their 20-22ish month old kid. He was really cute and smart. But during the story time, the librarian does stories, then songs, then at the end, instruments. Well they let their kid go over and grab the instruments and run around playing them. And then she started telling him to pass out the intstruments to the other kids. Everyone else was upset because it was loud and the kids were not able to hear the stories. Evenutally the librarian put them away.... and got them out later. Then after story time, the mom is talking to another mom that she knows and tells her that she is expecting. (she's only 7 weeks) so why she's telling the world is beyond me... Anyhow, he husband starts spouting off how he "knows it's a girl" and he can't wait to have a delicate tiny girl who is coy and neat... :roll: So his wife continues talking to the other woman and is asked how she's feeling about the pregnancy... and she says that they are both excited and nervous. And the husband interrupts and says, "I'm not nervous at all.. we're going to have a tiny baby girl and it's going to be so easy!" :eek: Maybe for him! It's his wife that is going to go into labor etc. Makes me so mad!
Okay vent over - time for shower and bed. Night!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well I'm back. DH started feeling like himself (and acting like himself) only a few days after my last post. It has been a HUGE improvement and things are so much better!

However, he is in another paranoia spurt about accidentally getting preggo. So now we are back to not DTD at all again :roll: So 2 nights ago we had a LOOOOOOOONG talk at bedtime about how that's not fair, and how it makes me feel very left out in our relationship and how he is scared of another LO. I told him that I very much want one more, and if we did have another, I'd get snipped. That I don't want him getting snipped till we BOTH can figure out how to deal with the feelings about NOT getting what we want. No matter what one of us will be sad for the rest of our lives unless one of us has a change of heart. I will be sad forever that I don't have 2 children, and Rosie has no siblings. He will be sad forever thinking that he had to give up too much and won't be able to handle raising 2 kids at the same time.
I seriously hope he changes his mind because I see it taking me YEARS and YEARS and possibly forever for me to get over it. But I also will not bring another child into this world whose father resents them. There are enough sad cases in this world as it is. I still hold out hope for TTC on my next birthday. That would give me an EDD of our 12th anniversary(ish) and me getting a bit more than 3 months home before I'd have to go back to work.

Oh and I got my retirement notice today in the mail. If I work 5 years, I will get almost 2k a month starting when I turn 50... I think.... plus I'm vested in retirement in VA too, so I'll also get that $ - which helps because we have very little saved for retirement. I hope to save more soon. But this just makes me want to work another 3 1/2 years as a teacher, then I will get that no matter what my next job in life is.
I am going to sign up for the DONA workshop this week and I'll just doula during the summers and as back-up for others in the meantime.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well my friend from work was supposed to have a c-section Friday. Haven't gotten an e-mail from her yet. I hope everything went okay. I know she is super disappointed.
So I am reeling in happiness for my cousin (the one who was in the BOBB documentary). She is pregnant again. I know I mentioned that before. Also a woman from my birth board who's son was stillborn is likely pregnant as well - which has just made my whole week!

I on the other hand am not pregnant - and still wish I was. I think I volunteered DH and I to babysit a little girl Friday night. We still have no cat sitter though, so am not sure that we'll be able to go to CHI to visit the IL's and to MI to see the family in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully our neighbor will be able to watch them for a few days so we can have a vacation.

So last night we had nachos and we had left-overs. I just put them in the warming over at 11 for lunch. I forgot about them. I just now took them out at 1:30 - they're warm Lol

so if any of you have the power of a miracle, the power to make magic 8 balls predictions come true, a magic wand, etc. Please make my dream come true. It's the ONE thing that is REALLY weighing on me. Becoming a mom of 2. Who knows, maybe I shouldn't stress about it. Maybe if I wait another couple years DH will change his mind AND homebirths will be legal here. Then I can have the best of both worlds!
Doubt it -but a girl can dream right?