Healing from birth...

As I wrote in a previous post, I think my fertility is returning, but I don't think I've ovulated yet. Well.. I hope I haven't, because DH and I haven't been very careful. I really don't want to be pregnant for a little while, but we are terrible for consistently using birth control, and my choices are limited because I am nursing.

How would I feel if I took a test tomorrow and turned out pregnant? Happy... but I wouldn't be looking forward to all the, "You're pregnant again already?!" Maybe I shouldn't care so much about what others think, but I live in a small town and I would have to listen to comments like that constantly!

I'd also be afraid that being pregnant again so soon would dampen the possibility of a successful vaginal birth. Maybe I should ask my doctor about the time-frame he goes by. I've heard everything from waiting 2 years following a c-section right down to not needing to wait to try a vaginal birth.

Also, sometimes I remember the nausea and vomitting of pregnancy with vivid clarilty... and that makes me uneasy... lol!

What is wrong with Atlantic Canada?! Midwives are still not regulated and therefore not allowed to practice independently here. It's like we're back in the stone-ages... only midwives were allowed back then! Grrrrrr... Apparently, in 5-10 years the proper laws will be in place and midwives can settle in here, but by the time that happens I might be finished having babies! It's even crossed my mind to move before I get pregnant again to a place where I can have a natural/normal birth in a birth centre or even in a hospital... but with a midwife.

I just feel like many midwives have a philosophy of care that is closely related to my own. I need someone who believes in a woman's body and the ability to labour and give birth without all the "extras". I need someone who will walk into the room and just know that I can do it, and support me in that quest. Not someone who will walk into the room, look at the continuous fetal monitoring, hang an IV to get things going and then discuss the possibility of a repeat cesarean...

I put my temperature in my chart this morning and fertility friend gave me some dotted crosshairs. I haven't had a post-partum af yet, and my temps did this little rise earlier and nothing happened... but seeing those lines and the bd-ing timing made my heart flutter a bit.

I'm very confused about what's going on with us right now. We don't want to be pregnant again so soon... and yet we're doing nothing about it! We aren't TTC, and yet we aren't not TTC either. Everytime I talk to dh about it he gets this "I'm not listening to you" look on his face, and doesn't want to talk about it (it=the fact that we're really not taking any precautions, and I could get pregnant again). Other times I'll joke about it and he'll say, "Why? Are you pregnant? Are you not telling me something?"... he asks with a nervousness in his voice, but I also detect a hint of excitement. If he would like another baby, I wish he would just tell me. And they say women are complicated! :)

Hmm... now that I re-read what I just wrote it seems a little obvious that he does want another baby, but thinks it's too soon... so if it happens by "accident" then the timing is out of his hands. Or maybe I'm just looking into it too much. lol!

I asked DH outright if secretly he wants another baby right now. He didn't really say yes or no, just side stepped the question. Yesterday he did say that now that Ella is no longer an infant, he can picture having another one, and he even said he would like to have 2 or 3 more! I've always wanted a big family and said 4 children seemed like a good number, but I could never get him to agree! So it's awesome that we're both on the same page at this point. It was a huge thing for me when he said he wouldn't mind having more then 2 children!

And on an entirely different note... I've done something I thought I would never do.. I've started using cloth diapers along with disposibles. And I think I'm in love. If you've never looked into it, there's an entire world of super-cute washable diapers out there! And I can easily see it becoming an addiction.

I'm thinking about the birth more lately... with all the talk about baby #2, I think it's sinking in that before long I'll be faced with some tough decisions, and trying to create a positive birth experience.

I can't decide whether I'm angry about the birth, or disappointed. I tend to lean toward disappointed. I believe the hospital staff could have been more supportive and encouraging rather then pushing drugs and augmentation, but ultimately I blame myself and that causes disappointment. I could have been more clear about my wishes and desires, but in that moment of weakness when I was in pain and throwing up, I caved and let them do things to my body that I didn't want. I needed to be strong, and I wasn't, I felt totally weak and powerless. I hear women talking about their birth as a moment of triumph and strength, and all I felt was weakness and defeat. That's a good way to describe my feelings... defeated.

"Unassisted homebirth" has been a topic of discussion a lot on my birth board lately. It means that a woman gives birth at home with no trained professionals present, and sometimes completely alone.

I would never go this route for my own birth, but I have been spending a great deal of time reading birth stories on the internet of these deliveries. There's something about a woman reaching down and helping her own child into the world that is so amazing to me. I daydream about giving birth in this way... no drugs, moving around as I see fit, pushing only when my body tells me to and being without fear during the entire process. Pain yes... but with no fear. Of course, my daydream also includes a health care professional standing by and intermittent monitoring of the baby via doppler... but the health care provider is only there as a support person and helps catch the baby on his or her way out.

This would be my ultimate goal. A hospital birth that is essentially "unassisted"... I think before the next birth I will practice the line, "please leave me alone". :)

I've been really emotional over the last few days. I cry at commercials, at talk shows, and just looking at my baby. I feel silly even putting this in writing because I'm likely not... but I feel pregnant. In a few days I'll likely post about the home pregnancy test that was a glaring negative... but I can't get the thought out of my mind. It doesn't really make sense... I don't think I've ovulated since dd was born, but it's hard to know for sure. I think I'll buy a test tomorrow.

Or maybe I'm about to get my first post partum period, and I'm pms-ing. :)

Happy First Mother's Day to me! :)

I woke up this morning to DH and baby looking over me in bed. They bought me a sweet little diamond ring that says "MOM", a matching wall plaque and candle, a mommy mug and a card from each of them... I love my family.

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a1...MothersDay.jpg

So, I ended up buying a couple of cheapy pregnancy tests and a clear blue one in case something showed up on the cheapy. Last night I took both no-name tests and both times the faintest-of-faint lines showed up after about 8 minutes. I have to hold them in a certain light to see it and it may just be my mind playing tricks on me... here's a pic, you likely can't see anything unless you try really hard and lean back from your monitor.... heehee



http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a1...May12_0001.jpg



The lines are most likely evap type lines because the tests are so cheap, but it made me want to take the clear blue this morning (+ or - test). They always worked well for me before. So I POAS and set it down on the counter. As the control line showed up, so did a test line! My knees went to jello, my heart started racing, my hands were shaking like mad and I was thinking, "oh god oh god oh god".... but as I continued to watch, after about a minute the line got fainter and fainter and pretty much disappeared. Here's a pic...

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a1...burn/May13.jpg

So, I don't know what to think. In that moment when I thought I was actually pregnant I almost felt panicky... but I was mostly thinking about what other people would say. In my heart I knew it was likely too soon, but I was ecstatic... and now that it looks like I'm not pregnant, I'm a little disappointed.

Just as an update to the previous post... I took another test yesterday morning and it was clearly negative. I had my hopes up a little, so I was bummed, but I can still look forward to TTC again in the not-so-distant future.

I had a doctors appointment today. I asked about getting a prescription for the pill. While I would be super excited to get pregnant again right away, dh needs a little more time and it will also be nice to not play the testing game as I did this weekend. Although I don't intend on starting the pill until af shows up naturally... the longer I can go without her ugly face the better! :)

And even better news from my doctor's appointment... he doesn't believe in necessary "waiting times" between a c-section and a vaginal birth. So I can get pregnant whenever we're ready and I will have the go-ahead for a vaginal birth plan! Yippee! I had this fear that the hospital would have a 2 year wait policy or something and I would miss it by a month and be denied the opportunity to try. So I'm glad that won't be an issue...