I'm usually in awe of wonderful birth stories and love hearing them, but last night at my breastfeeding group it was different. One woman there just had her second baby a month ago and she was telling the pregnant woman about how amazing the birth experience was and she was telling them not to worry about it.
I felt sad. I would love to tell my pregnant friends about a beautiful birth to encourage them, but I have nothing but rotten things to say about labour and delivery. I always tell them about how wonderful it is to be a mother and how amazing it is to look at your baby... but unless they specifically ask, I don't mention her birth.
I think I've been compensating for an anything-but-natural birth by doing more "natural" things with Ella now. I always knew I would breastfeed... but I never imagined making my own baby food (I hate cooking), and I'm even using cloth diapers approx. 50% of the time (I hate doing laundry), I've stopped using a lot of household chemicals and harsh cleaners, I'm a proud "baby-wearer", I co-slept until she preferred not to... etc. etc...
As I was scooping baked sweet potato into a freezer tray tonight, this suddenly occurred to me - I feel like I owe it to her. She deserves the extra work for what she went through during her birth. Things got totally out of control and in the meantime I felt unable to protect my baby. And as a mother, it was devastating. Through simple tasks like mashing a whole banana instead of opening a jar... in some way I feel in control and I am protecting her... even if it's a very small gesture in the grand scheme of things.
I know she'll never remember her birth... but it makes me so sad that her first view of the world was a hard surface with several masked people surrounding her and staring down at her. She was jabbed in the leg muscle with a needle, she had air forced into her lungs and a suction tube down her throat. Her first moments should have been on my chest, she should have heard her mother's voice and been held close and hugged. She should have been allowed to latch onto my breast.
It feels like I've taken a huge step backwards lately in processing her birth. I'm thinking about it more often again, and especially what I described above. I keep telling myself that she won't remember... but does that mean that immediate contact and breastfeeding only matters to the mother? I don't think so... it benefits the baby too, and my baby didn't get that.
My dh and I were sitting in the livingroom last night and out of the blue he said, "you know, I was thinking... I want to just let it happen."
He's talking about baby #2. He knows that due to breastfeeding it could be a while before my fertility returns, but he also knows it could be any day now. And he's prepared for that! Yippee!
So I'm not sure that we're officially "TTC", but we are officially "just letting it happen". (in my mind, that's TTC... heehee)
I also had a reading done by Cheri (she predicts family/pregnancy related events through her website) and she can see a little boy with chubby cheeks and sandy-coloured hair in my future . She sees March as either my birth month, the month I conceive or the month I find out I'm pregnant. That means I could get pregnant within the next month (making me due in March) or I'll be pregnant by March... if she's right
So I've made a new ticker to mark the date we've officially begun to "just let it happen"...
ETA: I'll leave this ticker, but BFP at the 7 month mark!
It seems like my feelings surrounding the c-section come and go in waves. One week I feel terrible about it, the next I feel so optimistic about the next birth that the section is overshadowed.
This week I feel great. I feel ready to take another shot at a vaginal delivery. I feel empowered and able and I don't feel afraid. During my pregnancy with Ella I always had a feeling it would end in surgery, and right now I feel like the next birth will be vaginal. I can picture "dancing" my baby down, feeling each contraction and bearing down as my body demands. I picture birthing in a squating position on the floor and feeling my baby crown and then come from my body. I get to hold the little person against my chest and I cry because we've done it... we've birthed without drugs and cutting... and it is amazing and wonderful.
I'm starting to feel the need to get into shape. I've never been athletic... or overly active in any sense of the word really... lol! I was a bookworm rather than a jock, and my "clutziness" has never worked to my advantage in organized sports.
However, I can't get it out of my head that I need to get in shape and drop a little weight for my next birth to be a success. I'm at about my pre-pregnancy weight, but other than during pregnancy it's the biggest I've ever been. I feel frumpy, saggy and weak. I don't think I could do a sit-up if I tried, and last I checked, strength helps in the pushing-out-a-baby department.
So I'm weighing in at about 169lbs... and 145 sounds like a good birth-a-baby number to me. So I'll round it up a bit and say I want to lose 25lbs. This is my new project. I think it will help keep me from obsessing about "just letting it happen" for baby number 2.
~ Cut down on "treats". I eat WAY to much junk food. I crave it! I can eat a whole box of cookies in 24 hours, I eat a chocolate bar a day and it needs to stop.
~ Exercise more. I've already started walking with a couple of friends, but it needs to be at least 3 times a week. I also would like a new bike so I can start biking again! It's the one physical activity I really enjoyed in the past and I lost ten pounds just biking around town in the summer before my wedding... so if it worked then, it should work now. So time to start saving some $ for a new bike!
ETA on Jan 10th/08: I lost 10lbs by November, 2007 and that's where the weight loss ended.... for now.
Last edited by rmacburn; 01-11-2008 at 07:48 PM.
I just wanted to thank the women that have taken the time to send me a message about their own traumatic birth experience and to say that they understand. While I would never wish these experiences and feelings upon my worst enemy, it is nice to know that I'm not alone in the world feeling this way.
Last night I was thinking about the recovery period at home following the c-section. I had forgot how often I cried out of frustration for the first couple of weeks post partum.
I didn't have that typical feeling that the incision might rip open, but every movement caused pain. It took 20 tiny movements just to roll over in bed and getting out of bed required a strategic game plan. It was frustrating to say the least, and if it wasn't for the support of my husband I would have been seriously restricted in my ability to care for my newborn. After a while, I would start to feel better and I would increase my level of activity.. only to be in 10 times as much pain by the end of the day.
I cried a lot. Not because of the pain itself necessarily, but because I was frustrated that I couldn't do anything normally. This period of time lasted about 14 days. I don't know what I'll do if I end up with another section for baby #2 and I have a toddler running around... but what do I need to worry about? I'm not having another section.
Cheri22 got back to me with the rest of my reading...
Originally Posted by Cheri22
As mention I am seeing a BOY coming your way.
When it comes to your son would tell you that i See him as someone who is very good with people. Is awlays himself and never feels the need to try and be someone that he is not. I see him with light colored hair and light colored eyes and a very easy going genuine smile.
I think that you will find that he is someone who is pretty much up for anything, is always willing to go out with a friend and try something new is going to have a wide variety of interests and seems to be good at pretty much every sport that he tries. I see him being closer to 5'11 in height with nice broad shoulders.
he is someone who I would consider a good "mentor' people feel comfortable coming to him for advice, the respect his opinons and often gives advice that he himself would follow. I think that you will find that your son is someone who is very easy to talk to, listens well, and often is helpful when in a situation that you can't solve on your own. I see your son as someone who too is a bit "spiritual" and really does believe in alot of things. Always has hope and his positive nature to "lead" him and finds ways of coping with stress so that its not overwhleming.
When it comes to career paths, I see him working in a recreation centre often teaching various kids programs, or sports related programs. He also volunteers at a local "office" for boys who need guidance. usually ones that are close to having to goto "juvie" or had a run in with the law. hes a " mentor" someone that they can look up to and he offers guidance. Trying to connect them with people that can help them achieive their goals.
When it comes to marriage I see him closer to 23, they will have one boy of thier own.
My future son actually sounds a lot like my husband.