I'm finding that I can think about my dd's birth more often now without all of the hurt and negative feelings (it's been 7 months today). I think I'm actually coming to terms with it in a lot of ways... and I owe it to discussing my feelings here and planning for my next birth.
Maybe through this negative experience I've even grown as a person. I feel able to stand up for myself and take charge of situations that have the potential to negatively affect my life.
And as I mentioned before... breastfeeding remains my steadfast "natural parenting" accomplishment. My little one has been nursing for 7 months strong today, and I'm so proud of us.
If (and when ) I achieve a vaginal birth with my next baby... I wonder how I'll prepare/feel about a third pregnancy? If space/finances permit, we would like to have a large family.
I wonder how disappointed I would be if my birth stats ended up.. section, vaginal, section... oh gawd! I've never really thought about this before now, and I just don't know how I'd deal with it. Would it be like achieving success and then having it taken away? Or would the vaginal birth always be a positive memory that would carry me through the disappointment of a second section?
It seems so daunting to know that I might be fearing another section for the rest of my "family making" years.
*sigh* I don't know how to work through this thought...
I feel like I've hit a stall point in my healing process.
The prospect of fearing a section for not only the next pregnancy but any future pregnancy is daunting. And as I write, I realize the operative word there is "fear". If I work on getting rid of the "fear of a section", then it won't affect my planning and anticipation of future births.
So how do I get rid of the fear? How do I empower myself to not fear a section when the possibility of having one is real?
i just received a sweet pm from another member who read my journal. She has negative feelings surrounding her child's birth, which was vaginal.
I think I also need to prepare myself for the posibility that a vaginal birth may not turn out as I dream it will. Maybe the pain will be traumatizing (as I've heard from several women), or maybe the baby's outcome right after birth will be less than perfect. I guess I've put a vaginal birth up on a pedestal, and I need to consider the fact that things can still go wrong and I may still be disapointed.
However, the most important thing I'm working on is the ability to take control of whatever situation I'm in, and this is bound to improve either birth experience... I hope.
I'm having some very strange dreams lately. The first one involved my cousin (who is not pregnant by the way). She went to the bathroom and her water broke and her baby crowned and was born. In the dream I was so excited about her awesome easy birth and she was like, "yeah, it was fine." She had this blah attitude about it while I was pumped. At the same time I was kind of jealous because I had recently ended up with a section and I wasn't even asked abot trying a vaginal birth, they just sectioned me.
My next dream I was laying in the bathtub and I was telling DH that I thought I was pregnant. As I was saying it I felt and saw the baby move and said, "see look! The baby is moving!" and he agreed that I was pregnant. The funny thing was I knew I was only like 10 weeks along, but it wasn't odd to me that I could see the baby moving. Very strange.
I've been caught off guard with my emotions over the last couple of weeks. I'm having sudden intense feelings about my birth experience, and then it's gone as quickly as it started. For example, I went to a book reading about with the author of "The Birth House" (it's about a midwife in training during WW1), and during the reading I though I was going to cry. Just the notion of a natural, drug free, woman centered birth nearly brought me to tears.
The intense feelings aren't always sad or angry. Often I have this overwhelming desire to "save" women and help women before, during and after the birth of their children. Increasingly I have the desire to pursue midwifery, lactation consulting, doula training, and to just talk to women about their births. I've always been obsessed with pregnancy and all things related and I feel like it's time to steer my career in that direction... and I'm so excited!
So af has made her post partum debut! I could be on my way to ovulation in just a couple of short weeks. It's exciting, but a little scary at the same time. Ella is such a good baby, and having 2 must be soooooo busy! I'm sure it's all worth it though...
Maybe once I'm pregnant I'll worry about the actual birth, but right now I'm really calm about it. I'm resolute in the fact that I won't be getting pain or nausea medications as long as I'm labouring, and I just feel ready for a second shot at the birth experience that I want.
I've been talking a lot to other women (mostly during night shifts at work) about their birth experiences and I'm really enjoying it. I've even found another woman (who is also TTC #2) who had a very similar birth experience. She laboured with pain medications, had an OP baby and ended up with a c-section. She is also hoping for a vaginal birth next time and has swore off ever getting another epidural. I'm secretly hoping that we both conceive around the same time and we can support one another in our next pregnancies and births.
I think it's possible that I ovulated last night. I've had some watery cm the last few days, a temp drop (which I often get before o), and I also had some mild cramping on the right side of my lower abdomen as I got into bed last night. So we'll see what happens over the next few days... hopefully I'll get an obvious thermal shift.
On a different note... I'm just sick over the second loss one of our dear p.org members experienced recently. I just don't understand how things like this can happen. I'm so sad, but angry at the same time. If there is a "higher power" I don't know how he or she can let something like this happen.. She of course has my thoughts, sympathies and anything else... but I'm just so confused as to why one person who is so sweet and strong and loving can be forced to endure such loss, not just once, but a second time. I'm just heartbroken for her...
I feel like this journal is filled with my own sense of loss, but it pales in comparison to what she is going through and I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my complaining.
Where has the time gone? My sweet little girl is 10 months old and quickly becoming a toddler instead of a baby. She's so close to walking, and she has such a little personality now. She's a ham in public... she loves to entertain and is so curious about everything. She also has a bit of a temper when she's tired.
I can honestly say that I'm feeling much better now, maybe even "healed". I've come to terms with the birth, I know what went wrong and I've identified the things that I can change. I spend a lot of my quiet time (especially when I go to bed and before I fall asleep), daydreaming about my next birth experience. A couple of notions really stand out for me... I picture labouring in the water, a birthing ball being important and helpful, listening to music, having the room warm and dark, and I also picture my husband there, but I would love to have a doula. As I may have mentioned before, I live in a very small rural town, and I will have trouble finding a trained doula. There is a lady I know however, who had her two girls naturally, and is a bit "crunchy" on the lifestyle front. More and more I'm picturing her present at the birth... however, when I do get pregnant again, I might be a little scared to ask her. What if she thinks I'm weird? What if she thinks, "OMG, I'd rather be anywhere but there!"... it could make for an awkward situation if she's less than thrilled at the prospect.
I know there's lots of time before I actually cross this bridge... I'm just enjoying this pre-pregnancy planning phase.