Well, onto pp cycle #2. It's a bummer, but it's not the same feeling as when I was TTC my daughter. Having a little one as a distraction helps, and I know it's not a guarentee, but I always have it in the back of my mind that I've conceived twice before so with time it should happen again... that's what I'm hoping anyway.
Over the 2 years I've been a member of preg.org, I've had so many great experiences here. There's a wealth of knowledge just waiting to be tapped and you really get to know the other regulars...
Recently I've made contact with a doula who's close to the hospital I birthed my daughter... I met her here at preg.org and I'm looking forward to getting to know her a little better and maybe someday she'll join me in the birth of my next little one.
I met another Momma at my breastfeeding group that has similar feelings about her c-section. She's very natural-minded and wanted a natural birth. But due to "advanced maternal age" they wanted to induce her at a week overdue, and the induction failed and ended in a section. I think she was just as relieved as I was to meet someone else who was sick of hearing, "You have a happy healthy baby. It shouldn't matter how she came into the world."
I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep, and I started thinking about what it will be like to physically walk into a birthing room at the hospital again? Will I feel scared? Will it stress me out? I'm not sure how to deal with this... I don't want to do tons of preparation for the next birth only to have my efforts thwarted by the physical room I'm in. Maybe my preparations alone will change my feelings... I'll feel more "ready" in general, so the room won't matter? I guess time will tell.
I feel so positive about my next birth. I really feel like I'll be going into it as mentally prepared as possible (barring any unforseen circumstances). I have a renewed faith in the abilities of my body, and even when I think about my DD's birth I'm finding it easier to think of the positives. I went to 41 weeks 3 days, I went into labour on my own, I had great regular contractions, I was handling them well until I arrived at the hospital, I dilated fully in spite of all the external violations to my body, and the time between active labour starting and full dilation was pretty darn good for a first baby.
All of these factors make me believe that my next birth will certainly be vaginal and most likely be completely natural. It feels great to have this faith.
I thought about starting a different journal. I know I'm still "healing from birth", and hopefully my next birth will help in that journey, but I also don't want it to seem like that's what this pregnancy and birth is ALL ABOUT. I love this little bean completely and I long to hold my next sweet little newborn and continue to expand my role as "Mommy". Having baby#2 is primary, getting a second shot at a positive birth experience is just a bonus.
Having said that, I think I'll just continue with this journal. It will be easier for me to reflect on what I'd like to do differently and my ideas that I've put into writing.
I'm 5 weeks and 1 day today. I know you can lose a pregnancy at anytime really, but my previous loss was at 5 weeks exactly, with spotting starting at 4 weeks, 6 days. In a way I feel a little more relaxed already... I just can't wait to hear a heartbeat.
It's been a long while since I wrote a little update. Things are still merry in pregnancy world. I'm not nearly as sick this time around. I first heard the heartbeat around 11 weeks and it was still going strong at my doc's appointment this week.
I do sort of feel in limbo land however. Before I got pregnant I had all sorts of ideas and plans for how to encourage a positive birth this time around, but I feel stuck. I don't know where to start, or if indeed I NEED to start something. Maybe all of the previous thinking and planning in my head IS a start, but I don't know where to go from here. Hypnobabies? Maybe. Reading more books? I guess. Nothing is appealing to me at present...
I'm feeling very upbeat and positive lately. I've yet to meet my doula, but I imagine it will be soon. I'm going to a VBAC workshop in June. I'm excited to be around like-minded individuals. Although, I must admit that no one around me is questioning my decision to avoid another c-section. My friends and family seem to assume I'm making the right choice. I've been waiting for the line, "Isn't it easier to just schedule another section?", but not one person has said it to me. We'll see if the trend continues into the later stages of pregnancy.
I feel like my body is telling me this baby will be born vaginally. I have a deep rooted encouraging thought that the OR is not in my immediate future, and I like that feeling.
I have yet to make my next doctor's appointment, but I have plans to talk with him about the birth this time. I've already informed him that I will be birthing this baby vaginally, and he thinks it's for the best and has been positive about it (although he did write "VBAC" under "pregnancy issues". I'm sure this is just the standard place to put it, but it's slightly annoying). I intend on asking him about hospital "protocols" surrounding a vaginal birth after a cesarean. I want to know what they'll expect as far as fetal monitoring, IV access, labour "time-limits", that sort of thing. I also want to go over with him my thoughts on medications for pain relief and nausea. However, if it's anything like last time, he'll spend all of 10 minutes with me during labour, so it's the rest of the hospital I'll need the written birth plan for.
And I had an ultrasound last month. Everything is looking good as far as I know (I haven't had a doc's appointment since then). When the femur was being measured I'm pretty sure I saw boy parts! We shall see in September.
The vbac workshop was great. It was nice to just sit around and talk with Mommas in the same situation. There were also a couple of women that came to share their vbac birth stories. One was a hospital birth, but she started pushing out a baby while she was still being admitted, and the other was a home birth. Both were natural and sounded totally wonderful. The moms were so excited to share and felt great about their experience. It was uplifting.
Since my last post, I've also had the "birth chat" with my doctor. He said the hospital policy dictates continuous fetal monitoring for a vbac, but no other interventions are "required". However, at the workshop the midwife informed us that CFM is no longer on the "checklist" at that hospital, so I'll be sure to tell my doc about this at the next appointment.
I've also decided on starting prenatal massage and chiropractic care to encourage optimal baby positioning. I just hope I can find practioners that I really like with the time I have left. I hope it will make a difference, but I think even the relaxation time will be a benefit.