Here we go

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Joined: 03/16/15
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Here we go

Ok. I decided to start a journal. I know that others read these but I don't care. I really need a place to jot down my thoughts.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my dad's suicide. I always wonder why they call it an anniversary. An anniversary is something that should be happy and joyous. But I guess that's what it's called. I lit my candle from 7:10 to 7:15 last night and prayer and talked to daddy. That is the time that I heard the final gun shot one year ago. Thankfully no one interrupted me. I really miss him...he was a true confidant, my best friend. He was the only person in this world I could really depend on. I wonder if I will ever know another like him, I doubt it. It always amazes me how many lives my dad touched. There was one man who read his obituary who he had met the week earlier at a bar. My dad impacted his life so much he came to the viewing to pay his last respects. Just the quantity of people that came to his viewing was astounding. I didn't know he knew that many people.

I was okay for the rest of the night until I went to bed. Then I lost it just thinking about how alone I feel with regards to my family or lack there of. I don't understand why dad's family dropped us, we have been part of the family for 35 years. I guess they somehow blame us. Debbie and Garry weren't really like a sister or brother to begin with so I didn't expect much more but everyone else, my uncle, aunt, cousins? And Brian, who was a great friend and brother once, is now a stranger. He has his own issues but still. Now it's just me and my mom and of course, Justin, Derek and Fernando. How dare they point a finger and place blame? If they were so close to dad where were they? WHy weren't they living his depression everyday like I was? Trying to make peace and doing the best I could to let dad know how much the boys, Fernando and I cared for him. Where were they? Anyway, I went and cried to Fernando who suprisingly didn't get mad at me, he hates when I cry. Maybe for a minute he was being a feeling human, he hides his sympathy behind a huge wall.

What bothers me the most is that the boys aren't going to know their grandfather or the rest of dad's family. They'll never know their cousins and that makes me so sad. They deserve a big loving family, they are a blessing to me. I guess I can only give them a loving mom, dad and grandmother. I hope that's enough and they don't feel like they missed out on something when they are older.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

This past weekend on the whole was pretty good. Saturday morning Justin, Derek and I went out to play since mema was out with Gina at the florist and Fernando was working. We played monster and explored the bushes and trees in the woods and collected pine-cones and sticks. Then we went inside, had a snack and watch a halloween Pooh video. THen the boys napped and I did too. WHen they woke up we had lunch and then painted the pumpkins the boys picked out at the U-pick farm last weekend. They had such a good time painting, especially Derek. He loves anything that has to do with art. They did really well, only painted a little on the table (thank goodness for washable paints) and had lots of fun. When Justin was done I finished up with Derek a few minutes later because it's too hard to watch them both doing different things. Derek was very mad at me when I made him stop. We went over and washed our hands and faces (Derek tried to eat the blue paint, Justin the green paint) and that made them much happier. Then we played downstairs for the rest of the day. Daddy came home with Nana before they went to bed so Justin didn't go to bed well....daddy stayed with him. I don't know how Fernando expects me to break his habit of having one of us lay with him when he goes to sleep if he gives in. The night before when F wasn't there it went so smoothly. Justin asked for a baba re-fill twice, one of milk and one of water but he fell asleep with out even crying a peep.

Sunday the boys were not very happy. It was raining so the couldn't go outside and play. F's mom was there and that always makes the boys act up. They act up so much more when she's there it seems. There's lots more incidents of whining and tantrums when she's there. Probably because she gives in to everyone. So I did what I usually do when she visits...spend little time with her because I can't stand watching. SO I went food shopping, I only spent a record breaking $61.00, I usually spend between $100-$130. I was so excited. After I put the groceries away I tookk a nap for 2 hours while F's mom played with the boys. Then I went and played with them myself. I wish I had more time with the boys and more energy. I think if I was less tired when I am with them I'd be more patient too. Oh well, I gotta make the best of the way things are.

Next weekend we are driving down to Delaware to meet another mom of twins. I'm excited. I hope the boys are behaved. They are such sweet boys but lately they are so mean to each other. I wish they'd outgrow that fast.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Last night was pretty uneventful. Justin and Derek seemd to have a good day at Pam's. She was jsut finishing up a walk with them when I arrived. Derek ran up to me and kissed me, he hardly ever does that. He id definitely not into kisses. The boys ate dinner okay, Derek ate a jar of apples and bananas and some crackers but that's good for him. Justin had chicken and rice and vegetables. I wonder how long it will take for Justin to fall asleep on his own without calling me all the time. I've been doing it now for 9 days. I'm sure that F isn't helping the process. Justin finally fell asleep around 8:30 pm. He kept calling me into their room but eventually fell asleep on his own with only about a minute of actual crying during the 45 minutes he took.

I really wanted to mail out the girls/kiddies Halloween stuff but last week when I was finishing them up Mom dropped 2 on the floor and I am waiting for replacements to arrive. I hope they do soon, I should check today. I want to wait and mail them out all at once. One of the moms didn't give me her addy and I asked twice so I guess I'll just assume she doesn't want it. I hope she didn't miss it. I love giving. That's why I like holidays so much, such an opportunity to give.

Suppose I should get back to work now.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Justin didn't go to sleep well again last night. He was calling me in every 2-3 minutes for water. THen eventually he started crying like crazy :crybaby:! I went in and calmed him down and he fell asleep about 5 minutes later. Since F is coming home tonight I hope he doesn't screw things up. I wish he could fall asleep like Derek. He falls asleep so fast.

Oh yeah, I'm getting a raise! YAY! :jumpingbeans: After 3 years of a freeze I'm getting a raise...I know it will be small but I'm still so excited...probably only 3-4%. I think we should get 12%, 3% for every yr we didn't get one and then 3% for this year. That'd be NICE. We could so use the $ right now.

Today is such a windy day. I hope J is okay with the rain we had last night and then all this wind. I hope nothing in the air starts his asthma up. I hate when he wheezes. I scares me so much.

That's it for today.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So last night my mom's doing laundry in the laundry room. The boys and I are in the playroom/2nd family room. I here my mom start knocking on the door. SHe was trapped, the door knob was loosening/going bad for about a week. SO I tell her to hold on I have to go get a Phillips head and a hammer. I come back and there's Justin and Derek. Justin is wearing Mr. Potato Head glasses and is sawing the door with his toy saw. He also has a pair of toy pliers. Derek has both screw drivers (flat head and Phillips head) toys of course and the hammer at his feet trying to unscrew on of the screws in the door knob. I started cracking up and told my mom she had to hang on in there so I could go get the video camera. It was so funny.
I got the door knob off but it still wouldn't budge( Justin was trying with
his pliers), so I passed the hammer and screwdriver to mom and she took the hinges off. The door still wouldn't come down so she told me to start
kicking and pushing it. I eventually got it down by slamming my body into
it and it hits her in the head...she was just standing on the other side of
the door, she didn't even move, LOL!

Justin fell asleep so quickly last night. I went in like 3 times and he fell asleep without crying. Derek woke up this morning soaked at 5 am. His diaper exploded. I'm not really sure why, he didn't drink that much. But boy was he in an aweful mood. F wasn't very happy with him for boing grumpy. F gets so mad when they are grumpy, I don't understand why he just can't understand that they are still babies. I called Pam at 10:30 and she said he fell asleep on the floor at 9 am he was so tired. I hope he's not getting sick.

Today at work we are havig Oktoberfest. Pretty neat, over 100 vendors. Too bad our dept never gets the chance to enjoy any of the fun stuff because we are always too busy. At least we got free lunch out of it.

I have to remember to get F's black suit hemmed for Brian's wedding that is only a month away. I should bring that tomorrow. I also haved to go to Costco for an eye appointment and pick up the train table for the boys for Christmas. I also need to get the oil changed in my car for my trip to Delaware on Saturday. I'm so excited! YAY! Biggrin I hope the boys don't act up...I hope they are in great moods. I have to remember to print out the directions before I leave today from work. I need to get back to work so I can get everything done before my day off tomorrow.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I have lots of days to catch up on. Well, Thursday night Justin fell asleep with relative ease.

Friday I had off. I went to Costco to have my eyes examined. They haven't change in a year and 4 months. I got contacts. Since I have a stigmatism I couldn't get colored. F asked why I wanted them since I already have green eyes...just wanted something different. I can see well with them just not the same as with my glasses. I got them in real quick, glad it was like riding a bicycle. I also bought a case of water, a train table/set for the boys for Christmas, 2 big steel tonka trucks and a set of smaller ones for them as well and 2 pairs of pajama pants for F for Christmas. I also went and got Gina's gift for her shower; I got her the oil and vinegar set she wanted, salt and pepper shakers, spoon rest, tea set and the small bowls for her everyday dinner ware set. Then I got the oil changed. Justin went to bed okay, not as well as the others this night. Derek kept giving me night night kisses which was sweet since he isn't a kisser.

Saturday, mom, the boys and I went to Delaware to meet Cat, Amber and Ethan. Her husband, Gary, came along. They all were very nice. Catis real funny. Amber and Ethan are so well behaved. Amber has these cutie dimples. Cat showed me this sweet dress at healthtex. Almost makes me want a girl, almost Wink The place was nice and quiet but the stores weren't real good. It was a little cold and windy too. During the lunch the boys were aweful. They wouldn't listen to me at all and were running all around. Thank God Cat and Gary helped chase so I could eat my sandwich. All I bought for the day was 2 blankets for the boys when they are at the babysitter. I really wanted to go in the bra outlet but I wanted to let mom look too. Gary was pretty funny when Cat was talking about her experience with the bra lady. Then we left and the boys slept the whole way home. It was a nice day. Had trouble putting Justin and Derek to sleep because F got home before bedtime and they both wanted to stay up and play.

Sunday we went food shopping and then in the afternoon was Gina's shower. It was at 3 but we didn't get their till 4 since we were bringing her. At 5:30 we were just finishing eating so I left. It would take me an hour to get home and I had to feed the boys and put them to bed. I hope GIna liked my gift. Mom didn't get home until 9 pm. Then we drnak coffee and F and I watched Shanghai Knights. It was a pretty cute movie. I love that actor, can't think of his name right now, with the crooked nose, there's just something about him, maybe his smile Wink

That's it, now I'm working. Just found out our cost for healthcare is going up, the benefits down so even with my raise I'll actually be making less money :evil:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Last night both Justin and Derek did not want to go to sleep so they woke up super cranky today. :evil: But they were super cute before bed-time and well behaved. Both ate really well. Then when it was bath time, Justin was pulling Derek and saying, Come-on Derek, Hurry up! blah blah(something I didn't understand) bathtub. THey both were running back and forth and giggling.

F smashed his hand threw a window yesterday at work. He had to get 7 stitches. He's home today. He's supposed to stay home tomorrow but he's going to work because he doesn't think Mucio will pay him for the days off. I'm such a moron because I can't remember Workers Comp law. Mucio better pay his hospital bill and day off or F will have to file a claim against him.

Work sucks as usual. I have my annual review next week. It better go well. I deserve a big bonus this year.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm gonna copy and paste from a post at WWW to save time.

Friday night Justin went to sleep okay. Saturday night he feel asleep on the floor at 6:30, he didn't nap. Sunday night and Monday night were painless, right to sleep YAY!

I also carved the pumpkin Friday night...It's very cool.

Saturday I was at payless buying shoes for the boys, they are a half
size different. I couldn't find shoes that I was crazy about in both sizes
and when I put a different pair of shoes on Derek than Justin was wearing
Derek started tantruming. I decided on a pair I thought was okay in both
sizes and got in line. Derek was continuing to tantrum and this old
lady(70's) in front of us who was paying for her shoes, puts her finger in
his face and screams like crazy "be quiet". Then Derek starts to really cry
and she says "good, now you have something to cry about." Fuckin Bitch! My mom comes over to console Derek and I say to her, "At least his excuse is that he is two." and I walk away. I knew if I didn't walk away I'd use every bad word I know at her and I didn't want to do that in front of my boys. When she left, the lady behind us said, "She wasn't with you? I give you alot of credit containing yourself." Damn straight. I would have slapped her if I wouldn't get arrested for it. No one put their finger in my son's face and screams at him.

In the afternoon, we played outside. Justin ran into the street and didn't listen to one word I said. Boy was I scared running after him, and he's so fast! Derek, in the meantime was picking the petals off of flowers in the atrium, little cutie. I took pictures. Then they ate snack size candy bars which they absolutely loved. The first time they ever ate one by themselves.

Sunday we just layed around and really didn't do much. It was raining so we couldn't go outside. I did notice when I was changing Derek's diaper that he got in his left upper 2nd yr molar and his right upper is coming in. My boys are getting so big! Sad

Derek has started talking a bit more even though I know I should have him evaluated again. This weekend he said 3 new word, Halloween, toast and ready. I'm so proud of him. He also has become much more affectionate which I love. I don't want to have early intervention to come yet because in April I'm having them tested for preschool (which if accepted is provided by the state) and as awful as it sounds, I don't want him to improve too much so that he is declined. I know that sounds awful but lst time he caught up to his age in 6 months and they stopped but started falling behind soon after and I don't want that to happen again and then miss out on preschool.

Justin went pee-pee five times in the toilet this weekend. The first time
was Friday night when after he pooped he told me he wanted the toilet. So I put him on knowing he wasn't going to go. Then I told him to do what I was doing which was making grunting noises and making his face all squinty. It was funny and that's the only reason I told him to do it. I know, I'm awful. Anyway, all of a sudden pee-pee came out and I started clapping. He was so surprised, his arms started shaking then he joined me in the clapping. Then Saturday and Sunday, he told me he wanted the toilet twice each day and went pee-pees. Hey, it's a start.

Monday I had off so I went to Costco to return the X-box game F bought...we don't have an X-box we have Playstation 2. Sometimes I wonder where he is :?: Then I went to stop-n-shop and did the weekly shopping. That's it.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Just trying to figure out the right time.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Just trying to figure out the right time.

Ok, I did figure it out.

Justin went to sleep pretty well last night. Both Justin and Derek have colds so I gave them Pulmicort as prevention for and attack. Derek slept so aweful, he slept on the family room floor with F because he kept tossing and turning in his crib. I take bad sleeping over waking with a wheeze any day.

On my way in to work I was thinking...I know I will never know why daddy did what he did but I so wish I knew. Maybe then I could even understand. I miss him so much. Tomorrow the boys are going trick-or-treating for the first time for real. I wish he was here for it. I know he would be so excited about it. He always was so excited about stuff with the boys. I'm sure they would have been super close with their Papa had he been alive. I'm so sad they will never know him. Everyone tells me that I can tell them about him but it's just not the same. I know people are trying to comfort me and it's really nice and all but it doesn't help. God, how I wish I knew why he killed himself!

Back to work now I guess. I'm gonna go run and get a cup of joe...pumpkin spice...yummy!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So Wednesday when I picked up Justin from Pam's he was wheezing. I gave him a treatment as soon as we got home and gave him one every 4 hours during the night. Of course, I am now sick. I am sure it's a sinus infection and it's draining into my chest. I can harldy smell or taste. Yuck!

Yesterday when I picked J &D up Justin had stopped wheezing, YAY! I'm so glad, I was so worried he'd get pneumonia again. I piched them up at 1 pm and F came home early too. We brought the boys trickortreating. It was F"s first time too. At first he was saying how stupid it was but then when he saw all the other kids and parents he got into it. THe boys seemed to really like the idea of getting candy at all the houses. Derek was so cute, after everyhouse he would investigate his candy from that house, look it over and all, and then put it in his bag. Justin was more interested in the wow-wows at all the houses. He's not big on sweets anyway. But when we got home he did want to take a bite out of each thing. Derek kept trying to steal Justin's candy and put it in his bag when he wasn't looking, it was very cute. I let them each have one. Justin chose Skittles and Derek chose 3 Musketeers.

Derek and Justin fell asleep pretty well last night. I only gave Justin one treatment during the night. But Derek had an aweful night, poor guy. He was crying out fo about an hour or so and a couple times he said ow. I asked him what hurt but he didn't show me. I put some vicks vapo-rub and gave him some decongestant and he finally fell asleep. I hope he isn't getting an ear infection. Of course F was SOOOOO understanding, NOT! He was getting pissed that Derek was disturbing his sleep. It's not his fault.

You know, I was thinking. F is a pretty good dad, he'd be even better if he was more patient and understanding but he's really not a good husband. I have to do it all by myself for the most part. And I understand he works alot for us but I do have resentment because I work really hard too. But similarly, I am a really good mom but not such a good wife because I have all this resentment and don't do things like cook and other wifely stuff. But I do think he is a great person, just not as being a husband. I think his ideas of being a husband are very very different than mine. I can only assume that's from the cultural differences and because his dad, of course, was his example of what a husband should be. He's a bit better than how his dad was but still not up to my expectations. And I really don't think he could ever be becuase he is the way he is. Before we had kids he was so different.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so sad today. :cry: I feel like my life is spiralling out of control and I have no control over it. This weekend was ok. It was actually pretty good until Sunday afternoon.

Both boys went right to sleep all weekend long. Smile Saturday morning I brought Derek to the dr because of his cough. Turns out he had an ear infection and was starting to get bronchitis...boy was he miserable at the drs and after we left. Then I went and picked up Justin and my mom and I brought the prescription to Walgreens, it was 11:30 so I stopped at McDOnalds to get them Happy Meals on our way to the tux place. The boys looked adorable in their tuxes but boy are they expensive, $100 a tux. Geez! I told mom I'm using all my film on them and only taking one picture of Brian and Gina, LOL! I want good pictures of them in their tuxes for that kind of $. The tux lady gave them each a peanutbutter cup(candy cookie as they call it). Then we went to Costco so mom could have her glasses fixed. Boy were they covered in chocolate fron the cup so I cleaned them up while she was inside. Then they fell asleep on our way to Toys'R'Us so mom stayed in the car with them. I got them Rescue Heroes buy one get one free and also Power Rangers, spend $19.99 get a triple mega zord free. I'm sure they will like them. THe last things I want to get them are Justin, a vacuum and I decided for Derek, after long thought, a piano like Schroder from the Peanuts. He would love it. When we got home mom let me nap for a while. Then I played with the boys until bedtime and F came home later. I can't remember what we had for dinner.

Sunday I let F sleep in. The boys were okay in the morning and then Justin became unusually whiny and crying for me. He wouldn't let me out of his site. He even cried at the door when I showered. When the boys napped of course the tractor had to break from the leaves so F got super pissed off like it's my fault...so I took a nap. Then went food shopping. F was getting even more annoyed because Justin was whing/crying alot. We were supposed to go to the movies and then he said he didn't want to go because he then wasn't in the mood because he was pissed. That made me MAD :evil: ! Although I kept it in because I didn't want a huge fight. WHy is it that for like 2 months in a row he went out every Friday or Saturday night with his friends and nothing interferes with that but the first time we plan to go out in months he decides he's in too bad a mood to go. WTF! Then as the night grew on, Justin was still being unbelivably clingy, like never before, and F just lost his patience...he said to me that things would be better if we put the boys for adoption. WTF :evil: I know he doesn't really feel that way but why does he have to be such an asshole hole and say things like that? I told him that I hated him when he was nasty like that and he went to the bedroom to go to sleep, of course. Then at night he acted like nothing happened. JERK!

Then today was lovely as well because Derek didn't want to put his sweatshirt or shoes on and F was a jerk again. Then I come to find out someone garnished my wages. I called and they told me who it was but I don't know who the are or for what? I don't recall ever being served. This is just terrific. This is why I feel out of control, I don't have a frigin handle on anything and I keep trying but nothing seems to work out right for me.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Note to self: NO Sweetarts before bed. Both Justin and Derek did not want to go to sleep last night. I thought only a few wouldn't hurt...I was wrong.

Both Justin and Derek seem to be getting over their colds.

I forgot to write this yesterday but over the weekend Justin picked up the bongos and started playing and singing a song about me, F, Derek and himself...too cute.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So Wednesday when we got home Justin gave poor Derek a bloody nose Sad I'm not exactly sure it happened but I think Justin climbed into the playpen which now hold confiscated toys and Derek was trying to climb in too. All I saw was Derek grabbing his face on the floor in fetal position crying bloody murder. So I comforted Derek and Justin if hit hit Derek and he said Yes. Then when I looked at his face his nose was bleeding, poor little guy. Then Justin saw the blood and said, boo boo? ANd I sadi yes, and Justin said, "Sorry Rerek" and went over and kissed him and did nice on Derek's hair. They both went to sleep easily Wednesday night.

Last night though was much harder. For about a week now Justin has been pointed to the shadows the night light makes and asking me if it's a monster. I tell him, "No, monsters aren't real." Then he says, "Monsters no real." And I reply, "Yes, monsters aren't real." Then he usually goes to bed. Last night it was worse. He kept calling me in about the monsters and we went thru our regular discussion about 3 times. Then the fourth time I made handpuppets in the light and showed him that when I turned off the light the shadows went away. But then he wanted it on because it was too dark. I showed him more handpuppets and reiterated that monsters aren't real and I asked him if he was okay to go to bed and he
said yes, okay. Then I went to wash the dishes, I didn't hear him crying
because of the running water. When I stopped I then heard him crying
hysterically and when I went in he pointed to the shadows again and told me they were monsters. He was so upset he threw up. I calmed him down and he fell asleep. I'm not sure what to do. He thinks it's too dark without the light and I always keep the door ajar as the boys fall asleep so know they aren't completely alone. I hope he starts beleiving me soon.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

One huge catch up entry. Well friday night was uneventful. Actually, I can't even remember it.

Saturday, mom watched the boys until 8. THen she went out for the day and I stayed home with the boys alone. DIdn't do much but around 11:00 we all took a shower. I could tell Derek had to poop(he was holding his hiney and jumping around. I put him on the potty seat and he started crying and telling me "no" so I took him off. Obviously he's not ready for it. We showered and while I was putting on Justin's diaper he took a big crap on the hallway floor. He said, "Mommy, Caca! YUCK! I cleaned it up and didn't make a big deal out of it at all and Derek didn't mind much, he didn't get embarrassed or upset. I'm so happy. He has in the past when he has had accidents. Makes me sad. Then they took a nap and I napped too. I cleaned their room/my room and the family room. I also did like 5 loads of laundry. Now it looks like crap again but I tried. F came home with his mom in the night and I made them steak and rice for dinner.

Sunday I got to sleep in until 8:30 because the F's mom was there. Then mom and I went food shopping. I took another nap in the afternoon. I also did 2 more loads of laundry. He and his mom left Sunday night.

Monday was work and no big deal. F came home, we had Chicken cordon bleu for dinner.

Tuesday I had an AWA day. We left the house at 9:30 am. Went to Walgreens, I got some colorforms, backscratchers and stuffed dogs. I figured I'd put on backscratcher in F's stocking and use one for the bath basket I'm making for aunt aleda. Then we dropped off F's suit for the wedding. Then went to Target and I got a basket for Aunt Aleda and 2 new magna doodles. THen the boys had their 3rd haircut. THey were less than cooperative. :roll: Then on the way to Pam's I stopped and got them McDonalds. Then mom and I went shopping at Kohls, I got a shirt/sweater for Christmas day, F's slippers, some new bras and socks. Then we went to Applebees for lunch. THen we went to Home Depot for a leaf blower. THen I took a nap until 5 when I went to get the boys. The evening was uneventful although we did watch "How the Grinch stole Christmas" twice. THe boys loved it.

THen after they went to bed then I got thinking about am I settling or am I naive in thinking about a true love type stuff. I was just thinking about this last night. Am I being naive wanting this type of love or is it so rare that I would never find it. I don't feel this way about F and that's what I want. I love F and I can't imagine him not being in my life but I think its because he's daddy and I am used to it;after all the disappointments I just don't feel this way. Do I continue trying; do I give up...I just don't know. I am surrounded by what if's, especially with regards to that feeling of being at home and comfort/compatibility. I don't feel that way at all. F and I have nothing in common anymore, when we had
the boys we grew in 2 different directions, apart. The only thing we have
in common anymore is our boys. It just seems like now for us, everything
always has to be a challenge, a disagreement. From how to raise the boys to how to spend our money, to what should the boys believe in Santa to having dreams and life goals.

And not that I would ever be unfaithful to F but I can't stop thinking about J. I don't really know why because I'm not really attracted to him. I just miss our old times together. I never had a problem finding things to talk about and I always had so much fun. He also made me feel so very special and important. When we talked the first time we hadn't talked in 4yrs really. And when we were even after that length of time, it was just so comfortable and we talked for hours, like there was no time when we didn't talk and there were no uncomfortable silences after the yrs. And the second time we talked for 2 and 1/2 hr like nothing. And I wonder if its because we hadn't talked in so long or it's the company because I can honestly say that other than the kids, F and I have nothing to talk about ever. Just this past weekend when his mom was over he was telling her stories about this and that, work, whatever (in spanish, of course) and I never heard those stories, ever. And it made me real sad that he shares close to nothing with me. And when I try to talk to F about it he has no idea what I'm talking about, he thinks all is good. He thinks if we ignore it it doesn't exist.

Now I'm at work again. :-?

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well, I haven't written in a few days.

Brians wedding was Saturday. The wedding was great. Unfortunately, the boys didn't make it down the aisle, heck, they didn't even make it through the wedding. The wedding was set for 3 and we were to arrive a hall at 2:30. THe boys usually nap from 1 on and I tried to put them down early but they wouldn't. Unfortunately Derek fell asleep on the way to the hall and when we woke him up he screamed and wouldn't stop screaming and crying. Justin was fine though and he knew he
looked great in his duds! He was even walking around with his pillow. Then to "calm" Derek down, one of the firefighters suggested bringing him down to see the fire trucks which I was against for this very reason, all was well until we left the firetrucks and he started screaming again. F lost his patience and without discussion said he was bringing the boys home and walked out the door with Derek. I followed with Justin, even though I know he would have done great and Derek would have calmed down again, F left with them both and didn't return. I really wanted them to be there.

I had a good time. Too many emotions flying though. The ceremony was
nice...not too long. They wrote their own vows but neither spoke loudly so
I couldn't here them. Mike Mulrey's wife said they should type them out and mail them to us all that attended so we know what they said to
each other ;). Brian's best man was CHris Pizoulli. He told the DJ to have a brother/sister dance and both Brian and I were crying hysterically, LOL! The bride looked very nice, very pretty. She's quite a bit chunky and although I hate to say it, she has a very pretty face. I know, kill me. She would look so much better if she lost like 80 pounds. And it's awful but when ever I look at them together Jack Sprat pops into my mind. Again, I know, kill me. But I swear she's double his weight. He is super skinny, too skinny. I think he weighs like 135 lbs.

Anyway, then, my brother asked me to say some words about my father without me preparing anything or really having time to even think. But I did it, got thru it, again I was bawling but not until after the speech although I did cry a bit during but I held it in real well. Everyone else in the room was crying too. And afterwards a bunch of people came up and said what I said was very nice and I done good, LOL!

No kidding, I had I think 10 glasses of wine and 2 of champagne. I only had a buzz Smile I think that's because the glasses were small and it was pretty inexpensive wine. I chatted a bit with my Mike and Chris. I always had a great time hanging out with that. They are great guys. Hell, I did my first "funnel" with them, LMAO! Chris looked good...still and still single, Wink I still gotta wonder about that one...

All in all a good time.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

The last 2 days have been pretty uneventful. Justin has been gaing to bed pretty well these days...he only calls me 2 or 3 tmes until he goes to bed. I wish I could find some things Derek would eat...he worries me. I think I'll call the ped today to see if they should get flu shots. Both the boys have been really cute lately, as soon as they get home they want their capes on(pieces of tissue paper). Biggrin

I made a deal for one of my federal student loans...it sucks but I have no choice. I have given them $19,000.00 to be taken tomorrow out of the acct then I have to pay $51.00 a month for the next...81 years, LOL! :shock: I know its reidiculous but this way it won't ever accrue interest which is awesome and any extra money, if there is such a thing, I will send them so I'm sure I'll have it paid off way before that.

That's about it. Edited because I keep adding my signature...duh?

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

A recap on the weekend...

F was in an awful mood Friday night so I went to bed. F's mom came home with him Friday night...Surprise! I hate when she comes and he doesn't foreworn me.

Saturday F and I went to Costco's and by a miracle spent less than $100. We spent lots of time playing outside as it was super ncice out...YAY! We had lots of fun and my boys are super cuties! Every time Derek got up the slide he'd say "I did it!" Then he was hiding behind a really skinny tree and would say "I see you!" and then he'd run over and give me a big hug. Justin kept making F nd I go down the slide...which is too funny because its a toddler slide. Also, I here from mom because F told me nothing that mom approached F and said she would like to sit down and talk to him because she would like to improve their relationship and F was receptive...YAY. I am so tired of being in the middle!

Sunday, more playing outside. Also, I went to town on my kitchen table which was actually more than a foot tall pile of crap and my pantry. We can actually eat at the table...Woo Hoo! And went food shopping to 2 different stores...got 10% of my order at one and my free turkey at the other. Thank goodness for saving money! F and his mom left kind of early Sunday evening and the boys and I watched Scooby-Doo and The Grinch that stole CHristmas. I got down on the floor and I was trying to see if my head could touch with my legs extended..it couldn't...and Derek and Justin were using me as a tent since my hair is so long. My hair was one wall, my legs the other. Then my back started killing me after like 20 minutes I got down on my knees and the boys took turns taking rides on my back. It was fun!

Bedtime has become so much easier...both boys get up within a minute of 2 when I say its night night time and Justin only calls once or at most twice.

Thanksgiving will just be us and mom and maybe MIL. Brian and Gina are coming only for dessert.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So tomorrows Thanksgiving...yippee! Brian and Gina are only coming for dessert...if dad were alive that would be unacceptable. They aren't even having it with her family. F isn't working...keeping fingers crossed that there is peace amongst all.

Justin had a bad night last night going to sleep... lots of crying. Friday morning the boys get flu shots and then off to shopping.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

THis past Thursday was Thanksgiving. It was my mom, the boys and myself. F didn't eat with us yet again :evil: But who cares. JUstin made my heart skip a beat. I have been trying to get the boys hyped up for Christmas, explaining it and all, listening to music, watching "How the Grinch Stole CHristmas" and "Rudolph". On Thanksgiving day I got the boys all dressed up. While I was helping my mom I gave the boys a new toy to play with, one they had received for their birthday that I had put away until Thanksgiving day. At dinner, we had the usual feast. At dinner, after Justin got his plate of food he said, "Mommy, is it Mismas?" I guess he has been paying attention. It was so sweet. It was exemplary of his innocence. I can't explain the love I felt for my boys at that moment. I am so lucky I have them!

I really missed my dad. He was the mash potatoe maker and turkey carver. I miss those little things. He woulf have thought they looked super handsome too.

Sunday morning Derek was a super cutie. He woke up early and walked into the family room where daddy was sleeping. F had his blaket over his head but you could still see him a little. Derek was saying, "Dada, I see you! Dada, Wake up!" I am so pround of how his language has developed. He's also became super lovery which I like. He only lets me kiss him without throwing a fit whereas it used to be no kisses for anyone. I love my little guys!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I haven't had an entry in a while. We all had the flu last week! Poor little guys felt aweful. Derek was lying on the floor saying "ey ey ey." Very cute but I felt so bad for him. He went to the dr last wednesday bc I knew he had an ear infection. He's been on antibiotics but I'm not sure they are completely working so he is going back to the drs today because of his ears and his cough which is aweful. I hope he gets better really soon. I went to the drs yesterday and I have bronchitis and a middle ear infection. I have to go pick up my meds at lunch.

Justin is doing really well with going to sleep at night. The past 2 weeks there have been several times he didn't call me in to the room even once.

Unfortunately they announced we aren't getting raises yet again this year which sucks. I don't know how I'm supposed to live when all costs are going up and no increase in $. I hope my bonus is substantial!

I ordered F's INS papers so we can remove the conditional status and renew his greencard. INS sucks. Everything is so difficult and confusing, even for me! Wink

Unfortunately thats about it! Only 2 more weeks until CHristmas!!!! I can't wait!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I have not wrote here in a week. I've been busy at work.

Justin and Derek are doing pretty well. Both are doing excellently with their verbal skills. Justin is regressing with sleep. He wakes up 4-5 times a night asking for a bottle. If he doesn't get one with milk he has a fit. I hope he outgrows this quickly because its killing me.

Saturday would have been daddy's 69th birthday. I miss him alot. Everytime I hear Christmas Canon I think of him and cry because the beginning of the song is the one thatwas playing when we were waiting for him to walk me down the aisle at F's and my wedding. This year is so much harder than the last. I think because It has been more than one year.

Christmas is in 3 days. Yikes! Still have 6 gift jars to make, presents to wrap and ornaments to put on tree.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I have been really bad about journalling.

I have been super busy at work with end of yr and all.

The boys are doing super! They are becoming such a joy to be around. They are acting civil and tame and listening so much more. And they play nicely together or alone or with me. And I can read to them without them fighting over the book. They are becoming so nice to be around. They went thru a crazy stage for the apst 6 months so I'm hoping this is the end of it.

Justin regressed a while back in the going to sleep by himself thing but now he's doing better again! YAY!

Derek is starting to eat some of the things he used to eat and even tasting some new ones. This past Saturday at the supermarket he tasted a piece of cheese. He never would have before. I hope he starts trying tons of new stuff, that would be great!

They both are talking even more and constantly learning new words, colors and how to count. I'm just so pleased with them.

I got my bonus at work, I'm not happy with it at all. Just $4000 Sad But I did get a raise, even if it is a measley 3%. Its something. I know I'm getting screwed with them but what can I do. Nothing.

Mom is getting her last surgery tomorrow. I really hope that goes well. It will be hard for me though while she's out of commission...she helps me so much.

For the new year I am trying to take care of myself more. Hopefully I'll loose some weight too!

That's about it for right now.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It's been a long time yet again! I'm so bad.

Anyway, Mom came home from surgery Jan 25th, faster than expected. She is doing well but has alot of pain from the mesh they inserted. Hopefully within the next month the pain wll taper once her body accepts it.

Monday, Jan 26th, Nana passed away. Debbie called saying she was failing and 10 minutes later she called back saying she had passed. I feel so bad for Papa. THey were married for over 70 years. i just can't imagine. So F, the boys, Brian and myself drove up to Buffalo on Wednesday. We left at 8:30 and got there at 6:30. As soon as we hit the Poconos driving and visiblity were horrendous because it was still snowing hard there. About 2 hours out of Buffalo it stopped. We got to Nana's viewing late, at 7:30, and the cousins and Uncle Earl and Aunt Garnet said hello and that's about all they spoke with us until we left. I guess we are still ostracized from the family becuase of what happened with dad which makes no sense because Brian and I had absolutely nothing to do with it. It is stupid to still blame mom but to blame us is even more assanine. Garry said hi and chit-chatted a little but not much. Debbie talked with us the most, aside from Papa. I'm sure she knows that how they treat us is stupid. I could tell it saddened her. ANyway, Papa did well during the wake but he couldn't stop crying during the funeral. It was so sad. At least daddy can be with his mom now. This had been the first time I had been to dad's grave since the funeral and it was hard knowing he was there under all that snow. I miss daddy so much. I'm just so angry at him for killing himself and leaving my boys without a grandpa to know. ANd I'm so fucking pissed that his family is treating us this way and for their ignorance again my boys suffer not ever having to know all their family especially since F's lives in Costa RIca and we don't have money to travel there regularly. We left right after the brunch, I wanted Papa to see the boys in real life for the first time.

F is almost done with the boys room, he painted it and did the first coat on the trim but I don't like the color blue, it's too green. I'm gonna go and get a different color blue. And we have the furniture, just need to put the beds together. I picked out the lines and they'll be a nautical theme from Company kids. I'm really excited about that.

Also, this past weekend F's friend put down ceramic tile in the downstairs bathroom which is much nicer than the plain ole cement.

So this weekend was very busy. Besides having the floor done...I made bird feeders from bagels, peanutbutter and birdseed with the boys, really Justin, Derek didn't want to touch the birdfood. Actually Justin ate a little so I tried to get him to spit it out and cleaned his tongue off. THen we went to Kohl's and bought more duckie stuff for their bathroom. We also went to Walmart and I got some new sippy cup valves, I got the boys some underwear, even though Derek couldn't care less about the toilet yet I figures I'd let Justin try it a bit when he's home. I also got my self some boy short underwear, and I got them each a movie for Valentines day. I was so tired on Saturday. I tried napping but with all the noise I couldn't. Sunday we went to COstco and Stop N Shop before the boys nap and after we went to Pathmark.

I looked last night and it appears an animal absconded with one of the bagel birdfeeders and the other has almost no birdseed left on it. Maybe I'll look online for some other simple crafts to do for next weekend.

Oh yeah! Aunt Aleda and Nona got the thank you cards the boys "made" she loved them.