Ok. I decided to start a journal. I know that others read these but I don't care. I really need a place to jot down my thoughts.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my dad's suicide. I always wonder why they call it an anniversary. An anniversary is something that should be happy and joyous. But I guess that's what it's called. I lit my candle from 7:10 to 7:15 last night and prayer and talked to daddy. That is the time that I heard the final gun shot one year ago. Thankfully no one interrupted me. I really miss him...he was a true confidant, my best friend. He was the only person in this world I could really depend on. I wonder if I will ever know another like him, I doubt it. It always amazes me how many lives my dad touched. There was one man who read his obituary who he had met the week earlier at a bar. My dad impacted his life so much he came to the viewing to pay his last respects. Just the quantity of people that came to his viewing was astounding. I didn't know he knew that many people.
I was okay for the rest of the night until I went to bed. Then I lost it just thinking about how alone I feel with regards to my family or lack there of. I don't understand why dad's family dropped us, we have been part of the family for 35 years. I guess they somehow blame us. Debbie and Garry weren't really like a sister or brother to begin with so I didn't expect much more but everyone else, my uncle, aunt, cousins? And Brian, who was a great friend and brother once, is now a stranger. He has his own issues but still. Now it's just me and my mom and of course, Justin, Derek and Fernando. How dare they point a finger and place blame? If they were so close to dad where were they? WHy weren't they living his depression everyday like I was? Trying to make peace and doing the best I could to let dad know how much the boys, Fernando and I cared for him. Where were they? Anyway, I went and cried to Fernando who suprisingly didn't get mad at me, he hates when I cry. Maybe for a minute he was being a feeling human, he hides his sympathy behind a huge wall.
What bothers me the most is that the boys aren't going to know their grandfather or the rest of dad's family. They'll never know their cousins and that makes me so sad. They deserve a big loving family, they are a blessing to me. I guess I can only give them a loving mom, dad and grandmother. I hope that's enough and they don't feel like they missed out on something when they are older.