So Wednesday when I picked up Justin from Pam's he was wheezing. I gave him a treatment as soon as we got home and gave him one every 4 hours during the night. Of course, I am now sick. I am sure it's a sinus infection and it's draining into my chest. I can harldy smell or taste. Yuck!
Yesterday when I picked J &D up Justin had stopped wheezing, YAY! I'm so glad, I was so worried he'd get pneumonia again. I piched them up at 1 pm and F came home early too. We brought the boys trickortreating. It was F"s first time too. At first he was saying how stupid it was but then when he saw all the other kids and parents he got into it. THe boys seemed to really like the idea of getting candy at all the houses. Derek was so cute, after everyhouse he would investigate his candy from that house, look it over and all, and then put it in his bag. Justin was more interested in the wow-wows at all the houses. He's not big on sweets anyway. But when we got home he did want to take a bite out of each thing. Derek kept trying to steal Justin's candy and put it in his bag when he wasn't looking, it was very cute. I let them each have one. Justin chose Skittles and Derek chose 3 Musketeers.
Derek and Justin fell asleep pretty well last night. I only gave Justin one treatment during the night. But Derek had an aweful night, poor guy. He was crying out fo about an hour or so and a couple times he said ow. I asked him what hurt but he didn't show me. I put some vicks vapo-rub and gave him some decongestant and he finally fell asleep. I hope he isn't getting an ear infection. Of course F was SOOOOO understanding, NOT! He was getting pissed that Derek was disturbing his sleep. It's not his fault.
You know, I was thinking. F is a pretty good dad, he'd be even better if he was more patient and understanding but he's really not a good husband. I have to do it all by myself for the most part. And I understand he works alot for us but I do have resentment because I work really hard too. But similarly, I am a really good mom but not such a good wife because I have all this resentment and don't do things like cook and other wifely stuff. But I do think he is a great person, just not as being a husband. I think his ideas of being a husband are very very different than mine. I can only assume that's from the cultural differences and because his dad, of course, was his example of what a husband should be. He's a bit better than how his dad was but still not up to my expectations. And I really don't think he could ever be becuase he is the way he is. Before we had kids he was so different.
I'm so sad today. I feel like my life is spiralling out of control and I have no control over it. This weekend was ok. It was actually pretty good until Sunday afternoon.
Both boys went right to sleep all weekend long. Saturday morning I brought Derek to the dr because of his cough. Turns out he had an ear infection and was starting to get bronchitis...boy was he miserable at the drs and after we left. Then I went and picked up Justin and my mom and I brought the prescription to Walgreens, it was 11:30 so I stopped at McDOnalds to get them Happy Meals on our way to the tux place. The boys looked adorable in their tuxes but boy are they expensive, $100 a tux. Geez! I told mom I'm using all my film on them and only taking one picture of Brian and Gina, LOL! I want good pictures of them in their tuxes for that kind of $. The tux lady gave them each a peanutbutter cup(candy cookie as they call it). Then we went to Costco so mom could have her glasses fixed. Boy were they covered in chocolate fron the cup so I cleaned them up while she was inside. Then they fell asleep on our way to Toys'R'Us so mom stayed in the car with them. I got them Rescue Heroes buy one get one free and also Power Rangers, spend $19.99 get a triple mega zord free. I'm sure they will like them. THe last things I want to get them are Justin, a vacuum and I decided for Derek, after long thought, a piano like Schroder from the Peanuts. He would love it. When we got home mom let me nap for a while. Then I played with the boys until bedtime and F came home later. I can't remember what we had for dinner.
Sunday I let F sleep in. The boys were okay in the morning and then Justin became unusually whiny and crying for me. He wouldn't let me out of his site. He even cried at the door when I showered. When the boys napped of course the tractor had to break from the leaves so F got super pissed off like it's my fault...so I took a nap. Then went food shopping. F was getting even more annoyed because Justin was whing/crying alot. We were supposed to go to the movies and then he said he didn't want to go because he then wasn't in the mood because he was pissed. That made me MAD ! Although I kept it in because I didn't want a huge fight. WHy is it that for like 2 months in a row he went out every Friday or Saturday night with his friends and nothing interferes with that but the first time we plan to go out in months he decides he's in too bad a mood to go. WTF! Then as the night grew on, Justin was still being unbelivably clingy, like never before, and F just lost his patience...he said to me that things would be better if we put the boys for adoption. WTF I know he doesn't really feel that way but why does he have to be such an asshole hole and say things like that? I told him that I hated him when he was nasty like that and he went to the bedroom to go to sleep, of course. Then at night he acted like nothing happened. JERK!
Then today was lovely as well because Derek didn't want to put his sweatshirt or shoes on and F was a jerk again. Then I come to find out someone garnished my wages. I called and they told me who it was but I don't know who the are or for what? I don't recall ever being served. This is just terrific. This is why I feel out of control, I don't have a frigin handle on anything and I keep trying but nothing seems to work out right for me.
So Wednesday when we got home Justin gave poor Derek a bloody nose I'm not exactly sure it happened but I think Justin climbed into the playpen which now hold confiscated toys and Derek was trying to climb in too. All I saw was Derek grabbing his face on the floor in fetal position crying bloody murder. So I comforted Derek and Justin if hit hit Derek and he said Yes. Then when I looked at his face his nose was bleeding, poor little guy. Then Justin saw the blood and said, boo boo? ANd I sadi yes, and Justin said, "Sorry Rerek" and went over and kissed him and did nice on Derek's hair. They both went to sleep easily Wednesday night.
Last night though was much harder. For about a week now Justin has been pointed to the shadows the night light makes and asking me if it's a monster. I tell him, "No, monsters aren't real." Then he says, "Monsters no real." And I reply, "Yes, monsters aren't real." Then he usually goes to bed. Last night it was worse. He kept calling me in about the monsters and we went thru our regular discussion about 3 times. Then the fourth time I made handpuppets in the light and showed him that when I turned off the light the shadows went away. But then he wanted it on because it was too dark. I showed him more handpuppets and reiterated that monsters aren't real and I asked him if he was okay to go to bed and he
said yes, okay. Then I went to wash the dishes, I didn't hear him crying
because of the running water. When I stopped I then heard him crying
hysterically and when I went in he pointed to the shadows again and told me they were monsters. He was so upset he threw up. I calmed him down and he fell asleep. I'm not sure what to do. He thinks it's too dark without the light and I always keep the door ajar as the boys fall asleep so know they aren't completely alone. I hope he starts beleiving me soon.
One huge catch up entry. Well friday night was uneventful. Actually, I can't even remember it.
Saturday, mom watched the boys until 8. THen she went out for the day and I stayed home with the boys alone. DIdn't do much but around 11:00 we all took a shower. I could tell Derek had to poop(he was holding his hiney and jumping around. I put him on the potty seat and he started crying and telling me "no" so I took him off. Obviously he's not ready for it. We showered and while I was putting on Justin's diaper he took a big crap on the hallway floor. He said, "Mommy, Caca! YUCK! I cleaned it up and didn't make a big deal out of it at all and Derek didn't mind much, he didn't get embarrassed or upset. I'm so happy. He has in the past when he has had accidents. Makes me sad. Then they took a nap and I napped too. I cleaned their room/my room and the family room. I also did like 5 loads of laundry. Now it looks like crap again but I tried. F came home with his mom in the night and I made them steak and rice for dinner.
Sunday I got to sleep in until 8:30 because the F's mom was there. Then mom and I went food shopping. I took another nap in the afternoon. I also did 2 more loads of laundry. He and his mom left Sunday night.
Monday was work and no big deal. F came home, we had Chicken cordon bleu for dinner.
Tuesday I had an AWA day. We left the house at 9:30 am. Went to Walgreens, I got some colorforms, backscratchers and stuffed dogs. I figured I'd put on backscratcher in F's stocking and use one for the bath basket I'm making for aunt aleda. Then we dropped off F's suit for the wedding. Then went to Target and I got a basket for Aunt Aleda and 2 new magna doodles. THen the boys had their 3rd haircut. THey were less than cooperative. Then on the way to Pam's I stopped and got them McDonalds. Then mom and I went shopping at Kohls, I got a shirt/sweater for Christmas day, F's slippers, some new bras and socks. Then we went to Applebees for lunch. THen we went to Home Depot for a leaf blower. THen I took a nap until 5 when I went to get the boys. The evening was uneventful although we did watch "How the Grinch stole Christmas" twice. THe boys loved it.
THen after they went to bed then I got thinking about am I settling or am I naive in thinking about a true love type stuff. I was just thinking about this last night. Am I being naive wanting this type of love or is it so rare that I would never find it. I don't feel this way about F and that's what I want. I love F and I can't imagine him not being in my life but I think its because he's daddy and I am used to it;after all the disappointments I just don't feel this way. Do I continue trying; do I give up...I just don't know. I am surrounded by what if's, especially with regards to that feeling of being at home and comfort/compatibility. I don't feel that way at all. F and I have nothing in common anymore, when we had
the boys we grew in 2 different directions, apart. The only thing we have
in common anymore is our boys. It just seems like now for us, everything
always has to be a challenge, a disagreement. From how to raise the boys to how to spend our money, to what should the boys believe in Santa to having dreams and life goals.
And not that I would ever be unfaithful to F but I can't stop thinking about J. I don't really know why because I'm not really attracted to him. I just miss our old times together. I never had a problem finding things to talk about and I always had so much fun. He also made me feel so very special and important. When we talked the first time we hadn't talked in 4yrs really. And when we were even after that length of time, it was just so comfortable and we talked for hours, like there was no time when we didn't talk and there were no uncomfortable silences after the yrs. And the second time we talked for 2 and 1/2 hr like nothing. And I wonder if its because we hadn't talked in so long or it's the company because I can honestly say that other than the kids, F and I have nothing to talk about ever. Just this past weekend when his mom was over he was telling her stories about this and that, work, whatever (in spanish, of course) and I never heard those stories, ever. And it made me real sad that he shares close to nothing with me. And when I try to talk to F about it he has no idea what I'm talking about, he thinks all is good. He thinks if we ignore it it doesn't exist.
Brians wedding was Saturday. The wedding was great. Unfortunately, the boys didn't make it down the aisle, heck, they didn't even make it through the wedding. The wedding was set for 3 and we were to arrive a hall at 2:30. THe boys usually nap from 1 on and I tried to put them down early but they wouldn't. Unfortunately Derek fell asleep on the way to the hall and when we woke him up he screamed and wouldn't stop screaming and crying. Justin was fine though and he knew he
looked great in his duds! He was even walking around with his pillow. Then to "calm" Derek down, one of the firefighters suggested bringing him down to see the fire trucks which I was against for this very reason, all was well until we left the firetrucks and he started screaming again. F lost his patience and without discussion said he was bringing the boys home and walked out the door with Derek. I followed with Justin, even though I know he would have done great and Derek would have calmed down again, F left with them both and didn't return. I really wanted them to be there.
I had a good time. Too many emotions flying though. The ceremony was
nice...not too long. They wrote their own vows but neither spoke loudly so
I couldn't here them. Mike Mulrey's wife said they should type them out and mail them to us all that attended so we know what they said to
each other . Brian's best man was CHris Pizoulli. He told the DJ to have a brother/sister dance and both Brian and I were crying hysterically, LOL! The bride looked very nice, very pretty. She's quite a bit chunky and although I hate to say it, she has a very pretty face. I know, kill me. She would look so much better if she lost like 80 pounds. And it's awful but when ever I look at them together Jack Sprat pops into my mind. Again, I know, kill me. But I swear she's double his weight. He is super skinny, too skinny. I think he weighs like 135 lbs.
Anyway, then, my brother asked me to say some words about my father without me preparing anything or really having time to even think. But I did it, got thru it, again I was bawling but not until after the speech although I did cry a bit during but I held it in real well. Everyone else in the room was crying too. And afterwards a bunch of people came up and said what I said was very nice and I done good, LOL!
No kidding, I had I think 10 glasses of wine and 2 of champagne. I only had a buzz I think that's because the glasses were small and it was pretty inexpensive wine. I chatted a bit with my Mike and Chris. I always had a great time hanging out with that. They are great guys. Hell, I did my first "funnel" with them, LMAO! Chris looked good...still and still single, I still gotta wonder about that one...
The last 2 days have been pretty uneventful. Justin has been gaing to bed pretty well these days...he only calls me 2 or 3 tmes until he goes to bed. I wish I could find some things Derek would eat...he worries me. I think I'll call the ped today to see if they should get flu shots. Both the boys have been really cute lately, as soon as they get home they want their capes on(pieces of tissue paper).
I made a deal for one of my federal student loans...it sucks but I have no choice. I have given them $19,000.00 to be taken tomorrow out of the acct then I have to pay $51.00 a month for the next...81 years, LOL! I know its reidiculous but this way it won't ever accrue interest which is awesome and any extra money, if there is such a thing, I will send them so I'm sure I'll have it paid off way before that.
That's about it. Edited because I keep adding my signature...duh?
F was in an awful mood Friday night so I went to bed. F's mom came home with him Friday night...Surprise! I hate when she comes and he doesn't foreworn me.
Saturday F and I went to Costco's and by a miracle spent less than $100. We spent lots of time playing outside as it was super ncice out...YAY! We had lots of fun and my boys are super cuties! Every time Derek got up the slide he'd say "I did it!" Then he was hiding behind a really skinny tree and would say "I see you!" and then he'd run over and give me a big hug. Justin kept making F nd I go down the slide...which is too funny because its a toddler slide. Also, I here from mom because F told me nothing that mom approached F and said she would like to sit down and talk to him because she would like to improve their relationship and F was receptive...YAY. I am so tired of being in the middle!
Sunday, more playing outside. Also, I went to town on my kitchen table which was actually more than a foot tall pile of crap and my pantry. We can actually eat at the table...Woo Hoo! And went food shopping to 2 different stores...got 10% of my order at one and my free turkey at the other. Thank goodness for saving money! F and his mom left kind of early Sunday evening and the boys and I watched Scooby-Doo and The Grinch that stole CHristmas. I got down on the floor and I was trying to see if my head could touch with my legs extended..it couldn't...and Derek and Justin were using me as a tent since my hair is so long. My hair was one wall, my legs the other. Then my back started killing me after like 20 minutes I got down on my knees and the boys took turns taking rides on my back. It was fun!
Bedtime has become so much easier...both boys get up within a minute of 2 when I say its night night time and Justin only calls once or at most twice.
Thanksgiving will just be us and mom and maybe MIL. Brian and Gina are coming only for dessert.
So tomorrows Thanksgiving...yippee! Brian and Gina are only coming for dessert...if dad were alive that would be unacceptable. They aren't even having it with her family. F isn't working...keeping fingers crossed that there is peace amongst all.
Justin had a bad night last night going to sleep... lots of crying. Friday morning the boys get flu shots and then off to shopping.
THis past Thursday was Thanksgiving. It was my mom, the boys and myself. F didn't eat with us yet again But who cares. JUstin made my heart skip a beat. I have been trying to get the boys hyped up for Christmas, explaining it and all, listening to music, watching "How the Grinch Stole CHristmas" and "Rudolph". On Thanksgiving day I got the boys all dressed up. While I was helping my mom I gave the boys a new toy to play with, one they had received for their birthday that I had put away until Thanksgiving day. At dinner, we had the usual feast. At dinner, after Justin got his plate of food he said, "Mommy, is it Mismas?" I guess he has been paying attention. It was so sweet. It was exemplary of his innocence. I can't explain the love I felt for my boys at that moment. I am so lucky I have them!
I really missed my dad. He was the mash potatoe maker and turkey carver. I miss those little things. He woulf have thought they looked super handsome too.
Sunday morning Derek was a super cutie. He woke up early and walked into the family room where daddy was sleeping. F had his blaket over his head but you could still see him a little. Derek was saying, "Dada, I see you! Dada, Wake up!" I am so pround of how his language has developed. He's also became super lovery which I like. He only lets me kiss him without throwing a fit whereas it used to be no kisses for anyone. I love my little guys!