I've decided to start a new journal, new title, new everything....... mainly b/c I'm too lazy to cut and paste all the posts I had before and gosh darnit, I know what's happened in my life....... it was theraputic (sp?) then and that's what I needed and I'm starting this for the same purpose.... and all those wonderfully nosy people (I love you guys) who want to catch up on my life That's it for now........ I'll be back when there's something cool to say!
OK, I was beginning to post and somehow lost what I was typing........ weird. Anyway, I was saying that I'm jealous of the pg Treat mommies...... I wanna be there too, but *of course* I'd need a stable, reliable, faithful, loving, caring, compassionate (I guess what I'm trying to say is perfect, but since that's not out there.........) dh first. Well, one can dream, right??
I have found someone for the time being to flirt with and enjoy time with -- nothing else yet b/c the marriage is still intact legally, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give Rob ANYTHING to help lessen his guilt. I won't "cheat", but there's nothing wrong with flirting And who could blame me with a guy like him????? I'll have to get a pic to post sometime....... or maybe email so there's no incriminating evidence for dumbass to try and scam out of my journal (not that he'd be able to find it now). Let's just say he's unbelievably HOT.... and amazingly enough, he's interested in me too
I'll head off to dreamland now with happy thoughts................................
It's 10:30 in the morning. My boobs are killing me b/c the young mister decided to boob all morning rather than wake me up and apparently, I didn't notice (or didn't care b/c I was so friggin' tired). Either way, I had to pry him off me to give him his cereal I have every intention of making it to the gym today........... I suppose I should get off the computer and get dressed and have something to eat pretty quickly if I want to get my time in................... or I could leave Felix with my brother and go....... no wait -- my brother has to work out too. I'm all about having an hour on the elliptical -- burns mad calories...... and doesn't hurt too much, either. Gotta do abs and back today. Ok, ok, I'm going.......
Well........ I did work out that day -- not as long as I wanted, but I got there and I did everything I needed to do.
Today is a new day and I think I'm going to just start over from here and try a little harder and be a little stronger.
Felix spent 4 days in the hospital b/c of the rotovirus. The 4th day was Mother's Day and I had to work, so I made Rob take half a day off so I could work, since I'd been there for 3 days already and really couldn't take more time off. Anyway, he came into the room that morning and I made the comment that it wasn't really the greatest way to spend Mother's Day, and he says "oh, today's Mother's Day???". Fugghead. Anyway, I did finally get something from him yesterday (Monday) -- apparently he went out last minute and got me what I asked for: a Walmart gift card. I just wish I knew how much was on it! lol At least I can get more pics of Felix now And maybe even a new pair of running shoes.
Today I'm cleaning and *unfortunately* I'm calling DCF back to let them know when they can meet my brother. This totally sucks, but at least I've got the time off to do it right now.
I'm truly frustrated. I had actually psyched myself up to be looking forward to seeing the DCF *****, and then *once again* she didn't show up. Of course, she's struck out in my book. Obviously she's not too worried about whether or not the child is safe, but what pisses me off most about this particular situation is that she's the same woman who will most likely threaten another mother the way she threatened me, then not follow through, as with me, and that child will end up seriously hurt or worse. Yes, I was beyond pissed that anyone could or would ever consider me to be an unfit parent in any sense of the word, but I am even more angry that this woman can't be bothered to do more than just throw out empty threats. There are children in desperate need of someone in her profession to actually stand up for them and save them from the hell they're in right now. I'm going to see what I can do to make it known to someone in DCF who actually CARES that she's a waste of a paycheck.
Felix is eating like a little piggy again -- thank God -- I was really beginning to worry that he was going to give up for a while. Now it's all I can do to keep up! lol
Life is settling in finally.... I need to mop my floors, but I also need to get my brother to pick up his crap. If he wants a maid, he better pull out the cash, b/c I don't make enough nor do I have the desire to clean up after him as well as Felix and myself and work both jobs. I'm done with this crap, and I'm letting him know it. I don't care what time he comes in, I don't care what time he leaves, but I do care how my home looks when I get here and I'm sick of living in a sty........
Felix got his first professional haircut today. Sharron took pics b/c I had to hold him, so there should be some really interesting shots of me! lol He puked a little bit while he was there, but it was from coughing so much, and he ate a TON of food afterwards, so I'm not worried. He looks SOOOOO grown up now. I'm only partially regretting it. He's adorable, though. Can't wait to get the pics back and put up a new siggy.
He and I are both sick.... all symptoms point to the flu, so we're both semi-medicated and not feeling too great. My head is doing the floaty thing right now, which can't be great. Drinking lots of water and hoping that this negative appetite I have will be good for my weight loss
I'm done for now -- gotta go be nosy on the other boards
First, for all of you who have been following my little saga, I am NOT wavering. Just a little emotional and need to get it all out. So there's the disclaimer hehehe.
Now for the situation: I've known for a while that Rob wants me back. Now he's actually stated it a few times and is talking about changing and such in order to get "his family" back. The key word, of course, is "talking" b/c w/o actual physical proof, I won't believe sh*t. I, unfortunately, still have the emotional attachment to him that I fear will never truly leave: I do love him. Love won't provide peace of mind, nor stability. I know this. My heart even tells me it's ok to care, but not ok to get caught back up in a relationship. I have allowed him to believe that there is a chance, somewhere down the road, that I *might* consider starting over. I'm not sure if this is actually the case, however that whole "never say never" thing comes to mind. I know he's hurting, but for as much as he hurt me, this really is nothing. I'd love to see him become a real man as a result of this mess, regardless of whether or not we ever get back together. It would be nice for Felix's father to be a truly worthwhile role model. Anyhoo -- that's my emotional drama for the moment.
Well, Rob spoke to me on Monday and mentioned that we had a court date on Tuesday morning at 9:30. Glad he told me, because I never received notice of it. So I went -- it was for his restraining order. He wanted it dropped, and if I hadn't shown up, he would have gotten his way. As it turned out, I'm getting my way more for him running his mouth without thinking first. I had the judge continue the restraining order with the allowance that he is able to carry his weapon at work ONLY. While we were there, the judge asked us if we wanted to go ahead and have our final divorce hearing right then since we were going to be back in his courtroom in a week anyway. Rob (like an idiot -- RAA hehehehe) says that he's not prepared with paperwork before he has time to process what the judge said. The judge said fine, he was just trying to save us some time and frustration, but since Rob seemed to want to do it the hard way, that's how we'd do it. Then Rob (like an even bigger idiot) tries to backtrack and say it would be ok to do it now, but that just pissed the judge off, and so the judge said to him "No, you wanted to do this the hard way, now you're going to get it the hard way". I'm happy with that!
Felix is having a diarrhea problem again, but since I know how to combat it, I'm not tremendously worried. He's got the rash from hell, which I took pics of along with the diaper that caused it, b/c Rob's the reason for it, and he admitted it on the phone to me the next day. Rob had Felix on Wednesday and when I picked him up, he was in a diaper that was unbelievably full, which I ended up changing in the front yard of Rob's mom's house using the hose to clean him up. I took pics of the rash and the diaper when I got home b/c I was so furious. Rob told me that he knew Felix had a nasty diaper, but that they were having so much fun, he didn't want to spoil the momentum by stopping to change the diaper. In the meantime, Felix's butt is BLEEDING b/c the rash is just that bad and every time I've changed his diaper since then (it's Saturday, and I've changed 9 diapers today, so do the math) Felix has SCREAMED in pain and fought like hell b/c it hurts him so bad. I'm beyond angry. Rob has him again tomorrow for a little bit and I swear to God if my son comes back with a rash worse than it is now, I'm filing for full custody no visitation. The rash is getting better slowly, but the last thing I need is him f*cking up the whole process b/c they're "having so much fun".
My grandma's back in the hospital. She apparently has a twisted bowel as a result of the surgery she had in December, so she's having surgery again today to fix that. I'm really worried about her -- I went to visit her last night and after that visit I'm really starting to realize that I need to prepare emotionally for her death, because it's looking like it's a lot more likely now than ever before. It's killing me for so many reasons to think of her not being around. Some are petty and some are not, but ultimately, I love her way to much to want her hurting the way she is now, so if God takes her now, I won't begrudge it, but I know I'll cry for what feels like forever.
So here's the rundown of the divorce proceedings as I lived them:
I dropped Felix off at the gym with Michelle and headed down Okeechobee towards the courthouse. At the first red light, I notice Rob is in the lane next to me. He shouldn't be b/c he lives on the other end of Okee, so he should be coming from the opposite direction. I figure he spent the night at his mom's house, poor bastard. Funny enough, my car died at that light and I had to start up again -- that's what I get for letting the gas get so low! I parked in the field that I normally park in (it's free, so I'm not complaining). On the way there, we crossed paths several times and he was very obviously trying to avoid me (got in the far right lane on Okee, took Banyan instead of Clematis, etc.).... he was probably a bit disappointed that I was enjoying the music I was listening to SOOOOOO much (I love the Friday free for all anyway).
I walked up to the courthouse right behind him, we went through opposite metal detectors.... caught up again at the elevators.... took separate elevators...... I decided to go to the 5th floor bathroom since he was trying to hard to avoid me and wouldn't be able to if I had to cross directly in front of him to get to the 6th floor bathroom. Took my time, made last minute reminders for myself, then went to sit and wait.
It turned out that we were only supposed to be there to have a mediation hearing, not a divorce hearing, but we were given paperwork to fill out for the final divorce proceedings as well. When we went into the courtroom with all the others (it was a mass divorce, basically) it quickly became standing room only, which was amusing to me. Rob and I were the only couple who didn't sit at the same table when we were called up. The judge asked us several questions, all of which I answered, and Rob said nothing. When he asked us what was holding us up from getting the divorce, I said child support, and that's when the judge asked Rob why he hadn't answered any of the questions. I don't remember what he said, but then we were asked if we had come to an agreement and we said yes and explained it, but then Rob piped up about the tax return, but it was so stupid the way he said it "I've just recently become aware of a large amount of money that she has acquired"........ wtf??? The judge was like forget it, you guys figure it out b/c you don't want this to go to trial and make fools of yourselves, etc., go out in the hall and fix it. So we did. When we got into the hall, he starts with his usual @$$holing calling me names and picking on the way I was dressed. So I got just loud enough to embarrass him and he shut up about me and got down to business. He was pissed off that I didn't tell him when the tax return came in, but then he said he would have given it to me when he got it (yeah right). Then we compared numbers and he really shut up b/c the numbers I came up with (which are perfectly fair and accurate) save him about $1000 compared to the numbers he came up with... that's when he decided that I wasn't trying to screw him over after all. RADA. So we come to our agreement, get back into the courtroom and tell the judge what we've agreed on. The judge tells us that we need to put everything in writing with a mediator, so we go to the mediator, get it all done within 20 minutes and wait another hour and a half for the judge to come back from lunch. After that we went back into the courtroom, gave the judge our agreement, he asked us if we wanted to go ahead and do the divorce while we were there, we said yes. So he asked us all the required questions about residency and then he asked us if we wanted a divorce, which we both answered yes to. He asked if the marriage was irreparably broken, we both said yes. He asked if there was any chance at saving the marriage, I said "nope" and Rob didn't answer... he got choked up and actually cried, then the judge asked him if he was sure there was nothing left and Rob said "yes". Thank God. So the judge pronounced us divorced and we left and Rob had the nerve to actually ask me to lunch after all that. First he calls me names and talks $hit to me, then he gets all teary in court trying to hold it up some more, then he wants to act like we're still together or something?!?!?!?! Hell no. I had to go pick up Felix anyway. So that's my divorce story. Hopefully that's the only one I ever have to go through, and maybe someday my prince charming will show up and make me the happiest woman alive. Until then, I've got my little prince to keep me company and a few good friends (yes, that would most likely mean all of you reading this ). I feel like the world has jumped off of my shoulders and back into it's proper place. Life is good now.
Just when I thought it was all over and we were both mature responsible adults who could act in a mature and responsible manner, I get a phone call at 5:40am. I ignore it b/c it's so freaking early (well, not really, since I'm getting up in 20 minutes anyway) and go back to sleep. Then I hear a voice on the answering machine and it sounds drunk, so I ignore it and try my hardest to get back to sleep. I get up at 6:15 after wrestling with the alarm for a minute or two and go to listen to the message. It starts out as a prank call in which he says he's calling from the pound and he got notice that there's a rabid dog at my residence named Piper and she needs to be put down. It just gets worse from there, calling me a *****, ****, etc. and finally saying he's going to kill me and what makes me think I can get away with this? (I'm assuming that's in reference to the divorce.) Needless to say, I thought I'd seen the end of the a-holing from RTA.... guess not. The way he spoke though, I'm kinda hoping he went and jumped off of a bridge somewhere. That would really make my life a lot easier. I probably shouldn't say that, I just feel like every part of my life that involves him is just a black hole sucking the rest of my life in with it. So anyway, I called the police and filed a report. Then I called Ana to tell her that something had come up with Rob overnight and I would be keeping Felix today and possibly Wednesday also. I took Felix to work with me we had fun. Then after work, I went to the courthouse and filed a violation order against him for violating the restraining order. Funny, I was originally going to the courthouse to drop the restraining order. Glad I didn't. Anyhoo, that's the FBS for today. Tomorrow will be a much better day b/c I'm starting my hard core diet. I called the DCF b*tch's boss and ratted her out for ditching a case, then today I called her and told her to come here (well, I told her machine to come here) and we'll see if she shows. I'm calling her again b/c as bad as this day has been, I really feel like we should get all of the nasty business out of the way and over with so that tomorrow starts beautiful and new with nothing hanging over our heads.