I am struggling hard with the decision to have a second child.
I wish I had someone to talk to about this. And by someone, I mean someone who's been here, done that. Someone who has no personal interest in the outcome of my decision.
Let me back up and give a little background. I am going to be 37 in June. I have a beautiful, perfect 7 yr old daughter and a wonderful husband. For the past seven years, I have held fast to my guns that I wanted NO MORE BABIES. But for some reason, in the last couple of months, I've begun to question my decision.
My pregnancy and delivery with my DD was textbook. No problems whatsoever, not even morning sickness. I even went into labor at midnight on my due date. My fear of a second child has nothing to do with this part of the process.
The part that I never wanted to experience again was the whole baby thing. I hated being at the whim of a tiny, helpless little thing. I hated nursing. I hated having to pack a suitcase everytime I wanted to run up the street. The majority of this attitude was due to severe post-partum depression, as I now know, but even now, as I type this, I have tears in my eyes and a knot in my stomach just remembering what I felt like. I felt like the most horrible mother in the world. How could I possibly be any good at all if I cringed every time I heard my daughter cry? Do you know how hard it is for me to even admit this annonymously? I know that most of you have the words "heartless bitch" going thru your minds right now.
Don't get me wrong. My daughter is the most important person in this world to me and I love her more than life itself. I would die for her. That's why it even enters my mind to consider a second child. I want a second child so that DD will have a sibling, someone she can hold on to when we're gone, someone she can grow up with and love as only siblings can love each other. I want my husband to have a son, at the very least the second child he's always wanted. And I know I would love another child just as much as I love my first one.
But I'm getting older. And I love the fact that my daughter is becoming so self-efficient. Do I really want to backtrack that far? Do I really want to do diapers and breastfeeding and carseats and baby bags and bottles and sleepless nights all over again? I'd be fairly close to 38 when I delivered, and that's betting I'd conceive right away. Do the math: I would be 60 before this child would be finished with college. And how about the risk of pregnancy at my age, and having a perfectly healthy baby? I'm terrified that I got too lucky the first time.
Back and forth, back and forth I go with this. My husband is no help. Yes, he wanted a second child, but says he's content with one. So he says it's up to me, I'm the momma, he'll support my decision either way. Thanks alot. I've prayed and prayed. Give me a sign, Lord. I wish I would just turn up pregnant so the decision would already be made for me.