I should be happy...

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Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15
I should be happy...

Okay so it's 3 days after Christmas and we're going on holidays to visit Adam's Dad in Melbourne for 5 days. Why am i dreading it?
Adam's going to be so involved in his dad and the cars that i'm going to be left with Bradley and Britney and Seth. Not to mention the days off work it's going to create so i'm going to be broke when we get home. And i know his Dad isn't going to let me call Imogen everyday and i just need to. She needs to know that i miss her. Christ, she's only 3!
I'm going to be constantly trying to amuse the kids and they're going to be as bored as hell. And Seth - well it isn't like his dad's house is baby proof so the whole time i'll be saying "No" and restraining him. If i tell Adam i don't want to go he'll take offence and it will create a major fight so yet again i have to just put up with it. There's $500 in the bank and i owe Wendy $500 for rent and she wants that before we go away tomorrow. Sure - i'm not a miracle worker. I had to pay for ALL the Christmas presents so there is just NO money. $600 electricity bill is due.
The house is really messy and needs tidying but i'm just so tired and non-motivated. Every time i try and do anything Seth just cries. Seems he wants me to just sit there and look at him all day - i wish.
Imogen's probably having the time of her life and won't want to come back.
At this stage i wish i could go away and not come back for awhile.
IS it too much to ask for the older kids to pick up after themselves? I guess so! Their rooms are ridiculous, i can't even walk in them. C'mon i'm 21 weeks pregnant i can't do everything on my own. I know Adam goes to work everyday but there's no money for it because he's paying his mum back. And i mean NO MONEY! I'm responsible for everything. $250 a week rent. Electricity. Phone. Groceries. Foxtel. Birthdays and Christmas. It doesn't end. I can't do it for much longer. And now i have $500 in the bank i have ot use that to go visit Adam's dad - YAY! I don't even want to go Sad
I feel like such a sook but i so do NOT want to go anywhere or do anything!
There's washing to be done but it's too hot to put the clothes on the line. ARGH! Where's motivation? Where's energy?
I feel like someone has zapped the life out of me.
I'm going to put music on and just start tidying the house. :roll:

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

Tidied up somewhat - folded clothes, swept, mopped. Cleaned the kitchen. Badley and Britney are back from their nan's (Wendy's) so i have them tidying their rooms. I'm sweating. It's so hot! :angry6: The air con's going full steam but i just can't stop sweating! There's a few more baskets of clothes to fold. I'll do that when i cool down. I still have to figure out what's for dinner It's 8pm already. Adam's still at work so i might ring him and see what he wants. I'm just no good at this mothering domestic housewfie thing. I'm trying but i suck.

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

Dinner is ready. Leg of Lamb and baked veges. Kids are ready to eat. Adam still isn't home. Seth is having a nap. When he wakes i will give him dinner and a bath and hopefully he'll be out for the rest of the night because i've had it. No more energy and no more patience. :roll:

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

Back from holdiays. Wasn't as bad as i had imagined. Although Adam and his dad had clashes.
I haven't had my anti-depressents for 3 days and am waiting for Adam to come home and drive me down to the Drs so i can get my prescription. I'm so dizzy and lethargic. It's 6.37p.m. I'm really getting tired of Adam working these long hours. Especially when i have all the kids here on my own and i feel so crappy. I can't take care of myself yet alone all of the kids. It's not like we are earning any money from Adam's long hours.
Thursday night - late night shopping. Need groceries but i don't think i have the energy to go and get any. Might just have to pop down and grab the necessities.
Missing Immy like crazy. She comes home on the 9th (monday - 4 more days). Each time i ring her she tells me she wants to "come to your house" and she "wants daddy, nanny and seth".
I have a fair bit of ebay posting to do. I sold a huge lot of pumpkin patch clothes for $500 and the lady should be paying that tomorrow. I sure hope so as i need the money for rent!
Bradley and Britney have just refused to listen to me today. Everything i tell them they totally ignore. I asked them to pick up all the DVD's and x-box games that were laying on the boys floor and they acknowledged me and then 10 minutes later i went in there and Seth had most of the cases open and was playing with them! What a waste of my breath and energy. Why do i bother? They just r efuse to listen. And when i asked them about it and told them i was cranky Brad just shrugged his shoulders and Britney started crying and was complainingto Brad the second i walked away! I know they don't realise the money value of the games and dvd's but geez - when i ask them to do something they should really do it! They never have a problem when adam tells them to do something. GTG Ad is home

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

Okay so it's Saturday and Brad and Brit went back to their mum yesterday. Just when we had had a good talk and they were starting to listen to me. Frustrating. Seth has gone down for a nap and i've just swept the floors and tidied the kitchen. It's 5.43p.m. and guess where Adam is? Ahuh. At work.
Only 2 more sleeps until Immy comes home! She's supposed to start preschool on Saturday but geez! I will want to spend the day with her so preschool can just wait! At least Serth will be in so Immy and i can spend some time alone together.
Thinking about it Seth and i have really bonded the last few days. We had a great day yesterday overall. I just played with him nearly all day. he's so funny. He was sharing his dummy with me and i was spitting it out and saying 'yuck' and he thought it was just hilarious! It was so cute. He's been really clingy today, making it hard for me to do anything but ive been trying to work around it. Still have no energy though.
I would love to go out to dinner with just Adam and myself tonight and send Seth to Nan's but i just know Adam won't feel like it so i guess just something easy for dinner like sausages and mash potatoes. Maybe spaghetti. :?: Dunno.
I'm really craving ice at the moment. I have an ice shaver that i bought for $17 that is being put to good use! LOL Lol
I got all of my ebay posting done yesterday so that takes alot off my mind. Dirol
I rented Duece Bigalow European Jigalow last night. I planned to watch it with Adam but he was doing 'research' on the internet so i just watched it myself in the bedroom - it was pretty funny.
I wish we had a lovely flower garden. I feel like picking flowers and putting them on the lounge room table.
I want to buy a few pretty boxes that i can jazz up and put in the girls room for all of their dolls clothes and fiddly bits. It's just too messy and there isn't enough storage space for everything. I might do that tomorrow and have it ready for when Immy comes home.
Hmmmm...ice. Wink

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

OK So Ad spends alot of time on car websites due to the fact that he races cars and enters burnout comps etc. It's good for him to advertise his business on there so i just let him do it - even tho it takes up so much of 'our' time.
So what i did was i joined one of the forums that he frequents and signed under an alias. I sent him a message saying i want him to 'take me for a drive" and that i had seen him at the burnout comp.
He sent back a message on the public forum saying that it was okay and to meet him anythime while he is out there (BTW. I am ALWAYS out there with him) and i haven't been back on there for a while os i just logged back on and found this private message from him to my alias: "

Hey sexy!!! I will drive you 'er 'um I mean take you for a drive whenever you want!!!!!! By the way as you seen from my burnout I can last a long time and go hard!!!!!!!! My nickname came from the track NOT the bedroom!! "

I don't think he knows it's me and i am just angry and sad and hormonal and PREGNANT WITH HIS 5TH FRIGGIN KID!

I want to play it a bit longer...i sent a private message back saying that i had followed some of his posts and have seen that he is married and has a kid on the way (because he has posted that somewhere) and asked him about it so i want to see what he sends back to my alias before i go off the deep end but i just know that when he walks in the door i'm going to feel like scratching his eyes out.
I can't deal with this right now.

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

Alright, Adam and I have sorted out this mess. It turns out he knew it was me because the next message he posted me was "I can't wait until Wednesday...I'll c u tonight in bed!"
When i asked him how he knew it was me he said it was because he knows me too well and i'm the only girl that's ever shown so much interest in him like that. I hope so.

Anyway, feeling great today. The kids went to daycare picked them up and spent the whole afternoon just with them playing. No shopping no nothing just me and the kids. It was alot of fun. After i cooked dinner (immy helped) they watched a movie while i washed the dishes and tidied the house. All the washing is done and everything is clean and i feel fantastic!

It's 11.55p.m. Adam is still at work :roll:
I rang about an hr ago and asked him to bring some toilet paper home.
Anyway, i'm going to get myself an iuce-block and watch a movie Biggrin

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

Feeling very lethargic today. Would have slept the whole day if i was able to. It's 7pm. Just finished mopping the floors - waiting for them to dry b4 i sweep them again. Imogen is asleep on the mattress in the lounge room and seth is in his room - i just put him down for a sleep but he's fighting it. Silence now though so i think it may have caught up on him. Argh - there he goes again. Nup. Still awake.
Adam is still at work. Something easy for dinner like sausages and mashed potato i think.
I'm going to kill this damn bird. I don't know why adam insists on them staying inside. I just swept and mopped the floor (will need to sweep again) and she has flown off her perch and has decided to take all the mess out from the bottom of her stand and put it in the middle of the floor. Why do i bother? They shouldn't be in the house. They're outside animals! GRRRR!!! :evil:
Seth goes to preschool tomorrow and immy stays home so i'm going to go and get her hair cut while i get my eyebrows waxed and we might go swimming (if it stops raining) or if it is raining we will go to the movies and do some shopping. Whatever the weather calls for really.
I bought "The dark crystal" for immy on DVD as i sued to have it when i was a little girl and i loved it. She likes it but during the 'scary' bits she hides under the blanket. LOL It's so cute.
Ford is kicking alot today. I have my first visit with the hospital (antenatal clinic) on Thursday at 1.30 p.m. so that should be fun Lol
Oh god - nearly forgot! It was seth;'s birthday yesterday! The big one! we had a party for him on saturday because wendy (nan) was going away on sunday. He loved the party and the presents but cried when we all sang him happy birthday. It was so cute! He thought we were all yelling at him! Adam, myself, imogen and seth went out for dinner at Lone Star last night for his b'day. It was nice to go out as a family again. We don't seem to be doing it too often when adam is working as hard as he is. He gets home and is tired and just wants to relax, have a drink and get on the net and go to bed. Never feels like going out so it was a bit of a treat. But when it came time to the kids having their free dessert adam said he was too tired so we came home Sad I was looking forward to pinching some ice-cream off them!
Ad just won a sidecar off ebay for $5,000 and we put a depsoit on a Trans Am for him but i applied for a loan and was turned down so adam is selling his 2003 Ltd Edn R1 on ebay to finance it all. It's at $12,000 now but the highest bidder has 0 feedback and they only signed up yesterday so i hope they are serious about it. We've been stung like this b4 with the car. :roll: It's so annoying why bid if u aren't going to buy?
Seth is asleep now. I wish i could curl up next to immy and have a nap but i really need to get dinner started. I so don't feel like doing ANYTHING except laying in bed and relaxing...no kids...no birds. Just me and the air con (and adam if he was home)
Anyway it's getting late (7.20p.m.) I need to get dinner started.

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

Sunday 7.21p.m. We picked up Brad and Brit yesterday and we have them for the next 2 wks.
Adam has just left the house...don't know where he is gone. I assume to the bottle shop to get bourbon. He didn't say where he was going. I was in a shit of a mood yesterday - just tired and hormonal and Adam mentioned it to me so then i switched moods and became happy - even a little hyperactive and he got the shits even more because "I go from one extreme to the other" and i didn't apologise for being shitty in the first place. I can't win.
He tells me yesterday (it was stinking hot) that if i want to be a better housewife i should go and do the washing and put them on the line because it's the 'perfect day for it' Nice. Thanks.
I'm sick of feeling like i'm doing all this stuff for no reason. he isn't supporting me in anyway so why should i have to be paying ALL the bills, buying him EVERYTHING he wants AND taking care of the kids AND cleaning the house. Let's try not to forget that i'm friggen 24 weeks pregnant. :evil:
I'm trying to get Immy and Seth into a routine and have them in bed by 10.30p.m. So last night i had seth in bed and then wanted to put imogen down and asked what he wanted done with brad and brit. "I'm watching a movie with Brad then sending them to bed" OK but it was 11p.m. at this stage and i was trying to get mim to bed and it's not fair sending her to bed and not the others. I did it anyway. She needs her sleep. And while brad and brit are on holidays mim and seth are going to preschool so they need to stay in a routine.
And now for the next 2 wks i will have brad and brit while adam is at work. How am i supposed to work when i'm going to have them? This is going to be interesting.
AND last night when he did finally send the kids to bed he just put them in with seth! They have their own beds but he just told them to sleep on the dble futon with seth! Needless to say they woke him up and i had to move seth into ad's and i's room. (We have been sleeping in the lounge due to the air cond.) So i go to sleep in the lounge where we've been sleeping and i awake at 2am to him rocking the bed pleasuring himself. I hate it. I just got up and went and slept in bed with seth ( thin mattress - extremely uncomfortable when pregnant) and seth is used to sleeping on his own and in his room now so he awoke every hr grunting at me because i was in bed with him.
So i'm very tired today. Tired and shitty.
And ad asks me a couple of hrs ago "Would u be happier if me and bradley and britney were out of your life?"
I don't know where the hell that came from and i asked him but he didn't respond.
I don't know where he is now or what he wants for dinner (usually when i make suggestions for what's for dinner he snubs all of them) So i don't know what to do. I have a crap load of ebay posting to do tomorrow and i need to do shopping and work and brad and brit will be here so it's going to prove impossible. He doesn't mow the lawn because he 'has a bad back' so i'm going to have to do that in the next few days because it's damn near knee high and just so bloody hot!
So again he's just done what he wants and taken off without even letting me know and expects me to stay here and take care of the kids. He won't even acknowledge seth at the moment because seth only wants cuddles when he's cuddling brad and brit so he's 'jealous' so he's just refusing seth's affections.
I'm so peeved.
I feel like i'm only good for money and sex. That's it. Oh and for minding the kids when he's at work and at his friend's house and wherever the hell he is now.
I love having this sort of stress when im pg. Thanks adam. :cry:

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

We met on the 3oth of March 2004. We had been talking for around 12 months on the internet - a reptile website in fact as we both kept snakes and lizards. He was appealing to me. Someone new. I had been with Jamie for 7 years, sex with the same person for 7 years gets tiresome. The thought of being with someone new excited me. And he was 8 years my senior. He would be more mature than Jamie, right? Jamie is illiterate and can't hold a conversation if it were to save his life. And besides - i only intended on meeting Adam for the weekend. Just some casual sex. A dirty weekend away. Imogen was 16 months old. Jamie had to work on the weekend so i arranged for Immy to go and stay with my Aunty Teena for 2 weeks as she loved seeing Immy but hardly ever got the time to drive up and visit. It was perfect. Adam was to arrive at around 3am in the morning (Saturday) we would go to the coast for the weekend have our fun and depart. i told Jamie that i got a job at Australia Zoo, helping them out for the weekend - he knew my passion for reptiles and knew that they would accept me if i had applied. Adam told his girlfriend of 10 years that he was driving his limo up to QLD to do my father's funeral. He left his two kids down in Sydney with their mother.
Jamie was informed that Adam had also been accepted at the zoo and would be giving me a lift up there. If he needed to talk to me while i was away all he needed to do was ring Adam's mobile and he would come and get me so i could talk to Jamie.
Adam arrived at 2.30a.m. I had spent the whole night shaving my bikini line, legs and making sure i looked and smelt great in my pyjamas. When he rang and said he was at the local shopping centre (where we would meet) i drove and picked a flower out of someone's yard to give to him.
I drove up and saw the limo. My heart was racing. I felt like a little school girl again. He was leaning on the bonnet. I leapt out of the car and into his arms where we began to passionately kiss. It felt so exciting to be kissing someone new. he told me "No more - i'm getting too excited". He followed me home in the limo.

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

Obviously have alot more to tell but i need to vent for the now.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant - have gone into early labour. Am on bed rest now. Great.

Eviction notice came today. Adam isn't working because he's 'depressed' and i cant get a job at 8 months pregnant...ive tried everywhere.

We have to be out of this house in 7 days - we have no money nowhere to go. Bank account is over $1,000 DEBIT...how does that work? Now we have a bad name with the rental tribunal and cant get another house because we cant pay rent.

Adam smashed the car on the weekend. Ive been paying $155 for it for the past year and now it its totalled and not covered by insurance because he was drink driving. Why? Because he wanted to go and get his birds from his mums house at midnight drunk. Smart move. No car No Cash No Insurance. 32 wks pregnant early labour 4 kids here already.

Adam insists i have sex with him 3 times a day - i cant do it anymore so now he uses prostitutes. He pays $300 a week he borrows off his mum for hookers. In the meantime we have nothing to eat and i am at risk as well as my child of catching a disease.

We desperately need money so what does Adam do? He tries pushing me into becoming a hooker. Pregnant with his baby and he's trying to sell my body. Sad thing is i took bookings - granted i didn't go through with it but i took bookings. How can he love me and the children if he insists i do this?

Now he has the shits cause i refuse to have sex with other men for $$$.

He drinks everynight and doesnt come to bed until 9am and i have to deal with the threatening debt phone calls and eviction notices and his mother yelling at me on my own. Yet alone the children.

I cant handle the children anymore. They would be best off without me and adam.

I dont have the patience or energy anymore and adam doesnt have the maturity.

Adam woke me up at 3am last night and insisted i drive him to the city so he could suck another guys cock for $100. He wanted me to wake the kids and take him to the city so he could sell himself for $100. I refused. He hit me.

I cant handle this. I cant.

I have nowhere to live, no support, no money, no car, no dignity, no respect.

What the hell do i do now?

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

Tried to show love to Adam last night thinking it was me and not him pffft.
In the middle of making love he tells me he just had sex with another woman a few hrs before...i started to cry but he wouldnt let me go. He just kept doing it. Afterwards he asked what my problem was and i told him that it's over and i cant keep doing this. He said he was just saying it to turn me on...yeah right...thats why i balled my eyes out. We yelled at eachother i went to bed and told him i didnt need him. He came in with metal car towing rope and strangled me until i agreed not to leave.
This is the bottom.

MissyJ's picture
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3254


Please forgive me for posting this in your journal. I will delete it once I have your response. I've compiled a number of resources and will be sending them to you via private message along with some more detailed information /personal support. I am not emailing you until I know that your account is secured but you may contact me at anytime at [email]missyj@pregnancy.org[/email].

One note that I want to say on the behalf of so many within our community here. I want you to KNOW that you do not have to live this way. There is help available and you do deserve better. Do not fall into the trap of believing that you don't or that "everyone would be better off without me" because hon, that is a lie and I can prove it.

Please contact me as soon as you can. You can check your pm's shortly as promised.

(((((HUGS)))) In the meantime, I want you to know that you have many positive thoughts and prayers being offered specifically for you right now -- not just by me but many more within our community. You have friends and strangers alike that care about what happens to you. Vent as you need to, but then let us help you help yourself.

Take care,
Community Manager
Email: [email]missyj@pregnancy.org[/email]

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

Thankyou everyone for your kind words. I don't have much ime to spend on here right now but as soon as i get a moment i shall be back on to update...I have contacted the Domestic Abuse Helpline (Thankyou Missy) and they are fully aware of the situation and are trying to get me out of here with as little stress for me and the kids as possible. They are also working with emergency housing to find me somewhere to stay. The police WILL be getting involved. Thankyou everyone for thinking of me. I didn't know so many people read my journal! I can't thank you all enough. Just knowing that there is someone out there that is thinking of me and KNOWS my situation really helps me...i have no-one here to talk to. No-one else knows what i'm living.
Thankyou all and as soon as i get more time i will post more details.

Joined: 06/23/02
Posts: 15

Thankyou to everyone for your kind words. They are really helping me through at the moment. I have been in a women's refuge the last few days and have just come home for an hr or 2 so i can pack some more clothes for me and the kids so dont have much time just wanted to let you all know what was going on.
Thanks girls Smile
I hate the refuge i feel so out of place but at leaat i am safe. i just feel like i dont have anyone in the physical world. everyone is too busy with their own stuff happening. Gotta go,