DH took DD to the mud runs today- despite our lack of funds, we figured it out, kind of, and i appreciate that he didnt leave me here to be a single parent like usual.
so i'm watching dirty dancing, and wondering when i stopped LIKING my DH. i love him dearly, but its hard for me to like him when i'm always mad about something or stressed out about something, its kind of rough.
and when did i become such a nagging *****? really... i always knew i'd turn into my mother, but i thought that was an EVENTUALLY thing, and there are things my mother is always right about, so i thought it would be OK. but its NOT.
i dont think i like me either.
i've never been one to let my pride take the backseat, and i'm pretty sensetive, so its hard for me to not take things personally, even when i know they aren't. so things like when DH forgets to bring in his work clothes and i have to do them in a ruch, i feel like he's being inconsiderate, when he's just being his normal forgetful self. He's not trying to do things to hurt me, but the man i married was never mindful of the effects of his decisions on other people, and he hasnt changed, so why do i get mad about it?
(No honey, shut up- i'm having a moment of clarity, dont ruin it)
but at least today i think both of us made an effort to bridge that gap. sounds silly, but when he got money off the debit card, he called me and told me how much so i could balance the check book, and then he asked how much gas he should get for my car. i said i dont care- and he said "where do you need to go this week?" and this tiny little sentence means way more than it should. 1. he was thinking of my needs, anticipating. 2. he intends to leave me my car 3. he decided one gas purchase was better than lots of small purchases later this week. i've been in awe since then. now i feel like i should make him dinner or something nice in return.
had a strange night.... and yesterday too....
IDK WTF was up with people yesterday but it seems like we were not speaking the same language. i felt like the call center operator in India i said the words, but they didn't know what i meant.... accent incompatability.....
some lady calls, another store toldher to call us, looking for a certain shirt. she describes is pretty badly, but i figured out what it was. I told her, sorry, but we do not have that size, we are sold out, and will not be getting any more. she goes on a rant about if its SOOO popular, why dont we order more. well, because the manufacturer stopped producing this this shirt, and the entire fall line, over a month ago. i can't get any more. and nobody but YOU lady has asked for that size!
similar things go on all day. they want a certain shirt, in a different size. we do not have that size. we have 17 shirts on the rack with that ONE that we have ALL the sizes, but you want the ONE that is out!
so after work, i made spaghetti, made a pretty big mess, and as i'm serving DD, a friend calls and asks if Ellie can come play for a little bit, they'll pick her up in 20 minutes. 5 minutes later with Ellie covered in spaghetti and only half full, they show up to get her. quick clothes change and out the door.....
well, now its friday, DH is home and DD is gone, and tomorrow is sweetests day, so we decide to do a little shopping that involved an adult store out of town. came home with our purchases and had some very nice adult time :) then they brought Ellie home. Now DH wants to go out to country night since its friday. well, maybe he should have stayed home another night is my thought, but whatever. he leaves. DD finally goes to sleep like 5 minutes before i was going to call DH and make him come home.
he was home with her all day, and let her nap at the wrong times. his fault! then at about 2 DH still isnt home, and DD wakes up, needs me to cuddle her back to sleep. I barely doze off, DH comes home, with a friend he hasnt seen in a while. like i care, whatever, i love you too cody!.... anyway, suddenly its 4 am, i've dozed a little and DH is making A LOT of noise. TV is cranked up, i can hear him clanking silverware against dishes, WTF. DD wakes up. i can't get her back to sleep.
i whistle for DH to tell him to quiet down. he doesnt really. so 10 minutes later, i get up, now i'm too hungry to go back to sleep. DD is awake, and i send her to harass DH. HE'S THE IDIOT THAT DIDNT GO TO BED, AND HE WOKE US UP! i had cereal and went back to bed. DD kept him up for quite a while. i managed to sleep., at 7:30 just before my alarm went off, i woke up to pee and i heard DD making noise, went and got her from DH in the living room. DH says "could you take her for a little while?" and i told him what time it was. DD and i crawled back into bed for cuddle time and slept in an hour. it was a rough nite, gimme a break. then we got up and ran to wal-mart because i didnt have any food to take to work. got donuts for breakfast, and i drove to work because i didnt have enough time t walk.
i just came face to face with the enemy. i'm vaguely nauseus and itchy all over after just LOOKING at the damn thing.
because my enemy is a BEDBUG. omg... my skin is crawling....
don't know why i feel this way NOW, we've been fighting them for 6 months. the first few i don't think we were sure, but somewhere around fall i knew that i was going to bed fine and waking up itchier, and it wasnt mosquitos from spending time outside or them sneaking through holes in the screen. DH wasnt getting bitten at first so he didnt believe me.
now that his manhide looks like my arms- which he claims looks like he beats me, ha ha ha.... he believes me! and after MONTHS we are FINALLY seeing signs of the damn suckers.
Now we are finding their 1-2-3 breakfast-lunch-dinner bite patterns, but we are NOT finding traces of blood or blood colored bug residue anywhere like the websites say we would. i never caught any with sticky side out tape.
I saw one for the first time just over 2 weeks ago, picked up a book after midnight in a bout of insomnia and it was crawling over the cover. #2 we saw when we moved the bed to try mom's remedy, borax. #3 was crawling through the borax a week later when i vacuumed it up. #4 we found while assembling our new bedframe to put our vinyl encased mattress on to keep them from transferring bed to carpet. #5 i just found when i thought i'd lay down in bed to read for a few minutes. AND IT WAS HUGE. the rest must have been nymphs, mostly clear bodies with blood filled tummies, this one is brown all over. i'm beginning to think we've had a very small breeding population here the whole time and they Finally just got out the big guns or something.
so i stripped the whole bed. i'm about to sprinkle D. earth between the mattress and box spring, then at the base of each leg of the bedframe. and put all the pillows in the dryer AGAIN. i'm beginning to think that these suckers don't actually die in the dryer like everything says they do. i'll try the cleanest pillows on the bed again and space bag a spare set so if they are in those pillows they will suffocate.
i flippin HATE bedbugs!
DH got scabies when i was pregnant with DD. i'm so totally sick of parasites eating us alive! in comparison lice are actually pretty damn easy to get rid of (knock on wood)
and they make me feel so dirty!
*i know i tried to post a vent here a couple weeks ago, but it got deleted damn site... damn computer... something*
Ok, i got a little stressed out this morning. got up at 7, still tired and wished i could sleep some more for once, usually im giving up on sleep by this point and get up anyway. Needed a shower so i could look cute- new girl at work is a girl i graduated with so i didnt want to be all nasty looking... or even sloppy.
DH needed his work pants washed. why? not because they were really dirty from work, but because he ate my leftover nachos and left the queso dip on the floor so either her or DD knocked it over all over his pants and he was going to wipe it off and go to work! eeewww! so i showered while the laundry was washing. got dressed, tossed the stuff into the dryer and tried to go shopping. DD woek up. had breakfast and got her dressed,t hen went shopping (milk, bread, eggs, butter, seriously was not going to make it through the day without this stuff)
get to the car- DD's carseat is not installed- its in the house. spare carseat is installed but that door mechanism is broke because of the cold so i have to lean across the entire car to get her into the spare carseat, hurts my belly... OOOOWWWWW..... get her out at the store, put her back in, take 2 trips from car up stairs to get it into the apartment... then to the basement to get the laundry, then i had to get dressed and get ready for work...
babysitter was NOT showing up yet.... DH wouldnt wake up to take me to work and i didnt have time to walk, so my BIL drove me to work in my car then took it home.
work was a vast improvement over the rest of the morning.
Been a while since i posted, hopefully this doesnt get deleted before i can finish it.
Yay, baby! Bubba is just about the easiest baby ever. sleeps well, eats well, no real vices, but plenty of things that aren't quite perfect. like he's getting fat fast. very fast. and he will eat formula so i'm afraid if we supplement while i'm working he'll get fatter faster and the Dr will think its a problem and tell me to feed him a certain way and i'll want to tell them to f-off..... Dude.... thats SO not why i'm here typing.
So DH has a panic attack today. he just randomly comes out of the shower in a big rush saying he's dizzy and thinks he's gonna puke and his heart is beating really hard. Well, i feel his pulse and it feels like mine did ths summer every other night for 2 weeks (while he was at the bar every time, again not drinking, just socializing) so thats what must have happened to me.
goes on for 20 minutes. finally while i'm trying to nurse DD back to sleep he comes in says he's not ok, then jumps into the bathroom and pukes. he's tall... i guess he can't bend over and puke in the toilet, so he kinda misses and makes a mess. most of it is still there because he thought that wiping it up witha towel was good enough... left the towel on the floor and noodles.
then makes me sit next to him and calm him down and pet him, and rub him (dd still running around) and wont listen to a single one of my suggestions to make him feel better. despite the fact that the last 8 times i suggested something it takes him months to try it and it instantly works and he lets me pull the told you so card.
finally he starts snoring and i know he's asleep.
and i feel bad that i resented him the whole time. he never takes care of me like that. never. ok, maybe when i was in labor, but i take care of him on a daily basis and i'm kinda getting twisted about taking care of him when he won't do **** for me, even the day i came home from the hospital he didnt do **** and its one thing if we both are on our own most of the time but i'm SOOO sick of being one parent with three babies, one is just REALLY BIG.
which is why i havent killed my brother in law. he might not take care of himself, but i dont take care of him either and i usually feel like we break even when i make him do stuff too... make him watch the kids, make him take the trash out... fair for when i feed him and do his dishes and let him sleep in DD's bed and i wash the sheets after he sleeps on them and gets motor oil and antifreeze all over them.....
but i'm still mad at myself for resenting DH when he's not doing well, could die if this is a heart attack instead of a panic attack.... and that makes me feel selfish. but is it really selfish to do what you need to stay sane and survive?
DH, I don't ever want to say "i told you so" again. never. i want you to make good decisions so i don't have to pull that card.
So when you get off work early, but don't want to have to take care of the kids, you need to PRETEND you're not done for the day by falling asleep in your chair and making my mom wake you up so you don't go bac to work "late" when you're actually done for the day. LIE BETTER. i know you can do it! or better yet, choose to be honest and you won't have to cover anything up, and maybe you can walk around with a clear conscience for once without Karma nipping at your heels and biting you on the a$$!
and please consider your family, and don't tell me that the kids were all my idea or anything unless you never want to get laid again, before you think you want to buy a motorcycle (which is a dangerous toy) that costs more than five times more than the car your kids are driven around in or while your wife spends hours every week carefully budgeting money to pay off your credit card DUMBA$$!
last fall when i was VERY frustrated with DH i spent some time metally mulling over what it would be like to not be with DH for a while. it occurred to me that i would do things every differently in some cases because so much of my reactions feeds off his reactions and maybe we're just both reacting badly when we need to re-train ourselves to act differently. But i also don't think i'm reacting unreasonably to his choices. i don't jump up straight away and say "buying a motorcycle is f-ing stupid you ******" no, i calmly explain to him that there are risks to buying one- if he gets injurred without health insurance, what if he needs to go somewhere in the rain, what if we can't make a payment,... etc... and when he says "So what?" i say "it would ruin our credit and i worked very hard for that" (he gained my credit score when we got married, he had no credit on his own) and he says "so what?" WTF- i just said I WORKED REALLY HARD FOR THAT ARE YOU F-ING DEAF.... see... i started out reasonable, then he was a dork, then i got defensive, then he was a total jackwagon, and i flipped. I TRIED TO BE REASONABLE. I ALWAYS START OUT REASONABLE. and he always turns into a jackwagon. no wonder we get nowhere.
DH lost his good job today :( but due to the nature of the job combined with a few more factors, clues, we kinda knew it was happening. and we're not panicking. he's ticked, but not pissed and i'm counting pennies for the rest of the month, but hey, we should do that anyway!
and now he has the rest of the week off LOL! i'm sad because he liked this job pretty well and it helped him lose a bunch of weight, so IKD if he'll be able to hold onto his health and new pants with this change back to his old way of life.
I'm getting a littel frustrated with the house though, i can't keep up with it as is, there are lots of things going on that make it more cluttered than needed, recycling didnt go out due to storm, bunch of clutter ready to donate sitting in space we need, bunch of stuff needs to get sent to my mom's for storage.... then maybe we'll be able to find our carpet again.
hopefully we can catch up tomorrow! i want to make bread before this weekend!
undersupply problem corrected. still not getting any more milk on days that i work and pump even though i miss feedings with Bubbs, but when i have about 10oz a day extra IT DOESNT MATTER. so i found a mom in Gaylord on Eats on Feets and will hopefully be feeding Ben my extra :) just might be more gratifying to feed and watch a baby grow than a blind donation to a milk bank.
ok, the real reason i'm here
Fitness goals for POBLC
3 veggies and 2 fruits a day
very few white carbs, including cereal
minimize emotional eating binges
AM workout 5-6 days a week, and yoga/stretching/flexibility
PLUS walk to work as much as possible
take kids on at least 1 long walk a week- park, trail, whatever
take 1 long walk a week ALONE
jog/run 30 min once a
find and try a zumba class at least once
find 15 quiet minutes to light candle and meditate
try to DTD 2x a week
vacuum and do dishes nightly to set up for morning. set clothes out for all of us.
next life goals- acheived almost all of the ones i wanted to do before #2 and i need a new goal to focus on. this also assumes at some point i'll want #3 and DH will continue to be a jerk and think that i need to get back on the pill so that he doesnt have to use a condom anymore.
1. pay off Dh's credit card and any other ones we rack up. no credit cards. got it?
2. find new living situation- housewise. new house. preferably buy house.
3. fix MPV. buy newer vehicle for DH. discuss nice treatment of vehicles. repeatedly. make list of good behavior requirements to get new vehicle.
4. get off state assistance (with exception of health insurance)
5. write a book. either write and SELL one, or write 3, preferably on 50k one 80k and one 100k
6. lose weight, get fit- 145lbs by around v-day 2012
had a random thought the other day-
i wonder if i chose DH because i knew i'd always be "better" than him. better at school, better at handling responsibility, better parent (not saying i am, saying i thought i would be) so that i dont have to work hard at things. this stemmed from thinking i missed college because i liked the work and the challenge. i was good at it, but i still had to DO things, and i really missed the "me" time!