i talk to myself so i dont kill people
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Thread: i talk to myself so i dont kill people

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    Default i talk to myself so i dont kill people

    sooo... read that title a few more times.

    i swear, most of the time i am happy, i'm energetic, enthusiastic, accomplished, and my life is a brights and shiny pearl.

    but other times.... not so much.

    and today its not. well. last night. this is the straw that broke the camel's back etc.. blah blah blah

    Ellie woke up at 1 am because we still haven't established a good bed routine where she falls asleep on her own or stay asleep all night. i'm fine with her waking to nurse and going back to sleep, but she thinks its playtime for an hour since we got sick 2 weeks ago. so.... its 1 am. i got up with her, my BIL is sitting in the living room with his friend... neither pay rent, my BIL is driving me nuts and i keep finding pop (soda) bottles with his friends chew spit slime in them so i asked BIL if he would watch Ellie, return her to me when she's tired, and i said his friend needed to go home because i was sick of cleaning up after him (and he insists for the last 3 weeks it's not him) and he says "ITS NOT MINE, ITS BILL'S"

    Bill is my DH. WTF. since when does he freaking CHEW?!?!?!?

    at first i dont want to believe him. then it stats to make sense, and by the timei get back to the bedroom, i'm upset enough to wake him up at 1 am and ask him.

    he says "sure" WTF again. WTF. once upon time he smoked. i told him that was a deal breaker when i was IN HIGHSCHOOL, once he had a can of chew in his locker and i took it. so how the freaking hell does he think this is ok with me!

    i'm not sure i can write WTF enough times to explain how i felt.
    ~Jenni~
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    i was so upset i could not stand it. i got dressed AT ONE AM... and went for a walk. i walked out the house, i slammed every door, every drawer, and i took off. i now feel bad because i left Ellie in there. i should have just taken her with me for a walk. i wandered around for 20 minutes, then i wanted to wander home to make sure they didnt htink i would leave Ellie. and DH caught me outside, he got up, the fastest i'v EVER seen him get up and dressed, and was sitting in his truck.

    we walked and talked for another 20 minutes. most of it stopping and yelling, a lot of crying on my part.

    he doesnt understand why its not ok. WTF. if he EVER thought it was ok with me, he leads a rich fantasy life. Maybe he thinks thats why i should be fine with him coming home... or even if he's home, not coming to bed until 4 am while i put the baby to sleep by myself every night, why he thinks its fine to drink whenever he wants (a drink is fine but there are limits, he has none) why its ok with him if all his friends smoke, and why he buys his brother cigarettes.

    and its not ok.

    this is just one more straw in my huge massive pile of insanity. illustrated in list form, just some of my problems
    Ellie cant stay on any schedule, because no matter what i do, when i go to wrok DH will let her sleep as much as she wants all day so i have to be up all night with her.
    DH is unemployed, and having problems getting his unemployment compensation, so he sits at home all day doing nothing and driving me nuts, refusing to get up at a normal time in the morning and stays up all night (see above)
    his brother lives with us andi'm going to kill him. he's unemployed and pays no rent. we pay his car insurance and he uses our toilet paper, eats our food, and we buy him cigarettes and gas. correction, DH buys it, i tell him to go *suck* himself.
    i pay all the bills every month and DH whines that he has no money, and i feel like the wicked witch. even though i know he just blows money.
    we are knee deep in credit card debt. which means that we cant afford.... oh... anything.
    DH wants to go to a training academy 4 states away for his job, and move there, but he wont make a freaking decision about it, so he's wasting time in limbo.
    i flipped my mattress over and its all broken so i'm sore. and we cant afford a new one.
    i have a stuffy nose and a whiny baby with a stuffy nose.
    i havent had time to work out in 2 weeks.
    DH whines that he is fat, then wont get off his @$$ and do anything. not even the dishes.
    our landlord has threatened to kick us out THREE TIMES because the yard is full of trash. i didnt make the mess. neither did Ellie. DH and BIL.... and they wont clean it. i want the landlord to kick us out right now because nobodly will let us move in with BIL with us so that means he would have to get the f*** out!

    and to add to my stress, i dearly love my DH. some days we are SO on the same wavelength, we juggle so well that we could be circus stars, and i would never leave him. but i really want to kill him right now.

    and i'm mad at myself for being mad at him because i'm SOOO sick of being mad at him!

    like last night after my huge blow up we were talking and he is soooo good at reading me, he said "you just bottle it all up and get frustrated about it, and thats why you blow up" which is sooo right.... hes a good daddy 95% of the time, he's a great guy, but what he does and puts up with i CANNOT live with anymore! and i shouldhnt have to.

    and after all that, i'm still pretty sure that he's going to continue to "chew" on the side. he'll probably clean up after himself better to get away with it.
    ~Jenni~
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    a new day!

    yesterday DH went with a friend to retreive is '75 school bus that he wants for a party bus (parked in the yard, not running or driving) that they have already failed to retreive twice. DH dropped Ellie off at a friends for the day, a good responsible mom friend who takes good care of her, and he was going to stay out all night. i already agreed to it, he claims. and not i'm not allowed to change my mind, even though circumstances changed. men.

    so after work i go to pick up Ellie and my car wont start. f***. i offer the babysitter gas money to bring hre back for me. i feel bad because its only $5. she brings her youngest (the oldest is BIL's friend) andi argue with him while nursing Ellie. at first i tried not to, but then i started winning the argument, so i kept going. fun. very fun! it began with the difference between fun and entertaining. it also involved star trek and star wars.

    then my dinner got done (boxed meal of scalloped potatoes i found in the cupboard) and i was so hungry (forgot to pack dinner to take to work) that i didnt feel bad about finishing it off all by myself. Ellie also had several bites and was a very good girl playing on the floor.

    when i went to bed i realized that nobody was home and i didnt know when anybody would come home, so, creeped out, i locked the door. they dont have keys with them yes i got some sick satisfaction out of locking my DH and BIL out for the night.

    Ellie woke up at 12:45 instead of 1, and then the phone rang.. DH wanting in. he wasnt suppoed to come home for HOURS! the bus is broke down on the side of the road, again but i had my DH back, all to myself! he even came to bed right away! well, he showered, and i was fighting to get Ellie back to sleep anyway so its ok.

    We slept in until 9:30, i showered for the first time in days, and i could hear Ellie in the bedroom taking DH apart with her fingers (pinching, yanking his chest hair, yet again, caused me satisfaction) so i got her and i dressed, and while i fed her breakfast, i made my own lunch for work, then we went for a short walk. it was cold. but it has warmed up to over 50 already, very nice day. i have the door open at work.

    Ellie crashed for nap, and stayed asleep in her PnP when i laid her down. DH was going to get a little more sleep while she napped, but he was up before i left,so i dont thinkhe'll try to get her to sleep all day this time. he's planning a movie night tonight.

    and i managed to make cookie dough this morning before i left, Ellie and i will make cookies later

    and so far at work, i vacuumed up the leaves and did a BUNCH of folding that i left yesterday, exhausted at the end of the day. Back to work now, shirts dont fold or sell themselves!
    ~Jenni~
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    bad day again, like i needed it.

    i'm seriously considering cutting back on all my activities, i just cant handle it all right now.

    i freaked out and broke dishes today. the last timei did it i was pregnant. DH was playing video games and he claims he was not ignoring me begging for help, but he could not get off his *** and help me. then he demanded a kiss before he left for class even though iwas so upset already that i couldnt breathe and when i didnt kiss him he slammed the door. and i threw some plates.

    we need a new set of dishes now.

    and the really bad part is that even once he got home from class he didnt notice for an hour and i was trying not to lose it the whole time.

    so he helped me clean a little bit.

    i need to remind him that its not fixed yet.

    he's back to paying video games. i'm gonna break the damn thing.

    we tried CIO with Ellie because my lack of sleep is not helping my stress level, and after an hour and a half we both caved. so she's up and he's *****ing at her because she's playing with his controler cord.

    while DH was at class i locked myself and Ellie in the bedroom... cleaned the whole thing, and the bathroom.

    dishes still arent done.

    thats ok, we dont have any food to cook or eat anyway.
    ~Jenni~
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    today i'm not feeling crazy. well, not TOO crazy

    yesterday was a blockbuster day, i got up, got Ellie dressed, cleaned up, did a freaking load of dishes, got ready for class, didnt bomb my Chemistry quiz, got home, we loaded up laundry and took it to my mom's house to wash, visited our fav stores got a few *essential* groceries, we did very well compromising and only getting a few things and we did a little splurging too. didnt break the bank.

    however, i did want to kill DH inthe store because he wanted something to eat NOW,he couldnt wait 10 minutes to get there and microwave the pizza's we already had to compromise on getting, so i finally got him out of the store and we got food. then he whined all night about the laundry taking so long, but didnthelp fold anything. the drive home was a little tense but not bad, and Ellie was pretty good, she fell asleep pretty quick and dint wake up wanting to paly 40 times either.

    today DH slept in while i went to LLL, and then i dropped her off so i could go to work for a little while... and for some reason our phone is not working i keep trying to call but i get no answer, freaking annoying. he hasnt even noticed.
    in 15 minutes i'm giong to have to put a sign on the door and lock up so i can run home, then run back, i forgot my backpack and waterbottle and its driving me nuts that my phone isnt working. ugh.
    ~Jenni~
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    birth control is too much work! i'm using the FAM method of NFP because we are both sick of pill/hormones/side effects, i forget the pills anyway, and the lack of sex drive really bothers DH. its not like this mentod is any harder than remembering pills, i just am sick of having to do it and then activly prevent when i think i want another one! ok, i know i want another, i've been fighting it since Ellie was 3 months old.
    and the atvatage of knowing exactly when i O is eclipesd by the fact that we have to prevent right now. why are we preventing? i think it all comes down to money. DH doesnt want to have to sit at home witn 2 kiddos while i'm at work, but i have to work because we cant live off his income alone with the debt we have.

    it took us 7 months of JLIH, including one of charting, before we got preggo the first time anyway, and that ended in m/c. it took another month of vitex, mucinex and charting to get Ellie. I'm torn because in one way i feel like my body figured out pregnancy after that first failed one, and in other ways i know how much work it tok to get preggo, so if i want a x-mas 2010 baby i would have to start trying now JLIH style to get it!
    i want to have complete faith in the powers that be and trust them (God, Goddess, whatever you choose to name them) to give me gifts i can handle, but i also know the help those who help themselves, and they dont have time lines of work, semesters or shopping seasons to work around, and have no regard for them.

    i dont want to chart to prevent for the next 6 months and then go crazy with the vitex etc when my patience runs out!

    well, i gues i'll focus on two things to get me through THIS month,
    1. my BIL might move back in with us by x-mas or so and
    2. work on paying off the CC debt.

    oooh, when tax time comes around, Ellie was not a dependent for 08 taxes,and now she is, we will get all our money back!
    ~Jenni~
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    What would i do if i had complications instead of being able to work through most thing the next time around? i know i could get sick with something random at any point now, and spend weeks recovering and not being able to do things i usually can do, but getting pregnant would be like doing that on purpose, and then i would feel responsible, like its all my fault for doing it and i made a bad decision.

    ok, concrete goal- pay off the BofA credit card. not transfer. PAY off. taxes should do that, and then i'll have to wait until after x-mas, after Ellie's b-day, and a little longer to get the damn refund... which puts me at my target of march/april to TTC. only 3 more cycles, 3 more O's that i have to resist and NOT try to get preggo. and when morning sickness hits, it will be at the end of, or after the semester is over (student teaching! ech!)

    poor Amie on the jan BB has 2 lo's running around to take care of and she's soo sick right now! maybei'll go re-read her miserable posts and remind myself what its like...
    ~Jenni~
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    i have a slight Taylor Lautner obsession right now. i think he's like smoking hot and if he walked up to me today without a shirt on i'd cheat on DH for him. but thats only because DH says he'd sleep with Jamie Presley and a few other stars if he had the chance. I guess its a good thing neither of us will actually have that chance.

    Not helping that DH got me his poster for x-mas and a bunch of Elloras Cave books... now every man has his face. Strange but true, i figured out this little trick while preggo and couldnt sleep, to get to sleep at night, i work up the perfect fantasy... usually mentally i have a nice pic of shirtless perfect man (in my dreams its DH and i can actually have all that rippling muscle) and by the time making out starts, i fall asleep.

    but its ok, just like a teenage crush, it will end... and it wont take long.
    i think i'm near Oing (and i shuld be, within like 3 days or so) and thats why i'm a little man-hungry (replacing boy-crazy)

    Anyway, this is leading to me saying, that he is so ripped, and he had to bulk up like that in 3 months because they were replacing him because they needed a big change for the movie... and he had the discipline to do it, so i'm working out again! besides my 20 minutes walks to and from work, last night and this morning, i did the 10 minute crunch workout( belly) ... when last week i couldnt make it through the 10 minutes (lost interest) and in november when i tried i got REALLY REALLY sore, i'm not sore from doing it. and i did some Ellie-weight curls and triceps lifts .. or whatever you call them. and ididnt binge on snacks last night either. obsession is a good thing for me.
    very good because i realize that i cannot have TL... i have DH and i like him, so inorder for me to have that fantasy sex i want... that cannot be with TL, i have to work to have it with DH. i just wish DH would get some bigger biceps, he's gotten smooshy since highschool. so have i. if i can get back into shape, maybe he will too. 10 lbs and i'll be at my graduation weight. 20 and i'll be at the cheerleading-season-before-birth-control-size-8-skintight-jeans that i was before x-mas my senior year. 30 and i'll actually be at the lowest weight ever since i turned like 12.


    resolutions
    OMG... i need to put these very solidly in the journal that i dont write in often LOL

    1. finish college, keep my GPA up, and dont panic about my practicum!

    2. get fit, this is a two pronged approach to weigh less and feel better when i get preggo again, and imporove my less than stellar sex life with DH. also, he needs to get fit too, i have a bribery system of sexual favors worked out, i hope it works. (i wonder if could mention sex more times in one resolution....)

    3. Pay dont/pay off debt, with my friend Dave Ramsey. Get DH on board. directly relates to #4

    4. don't buy new clothes for myself. i have exceptions, like bras, walking shoes, work shirts,interview clothes if i decide not to be a SAHM or our financial situation prevents it, and probably sox/undies, but i'll see if i can get DH to get them for my for x-mas next year and solve 2 problems at once!

    all except #4 need to be done in a big way by May. i want most of the debt gone, like 2/3's of it, and it might work with our tax refund and tuition scholarship refunds. and DH's 75 hr work week from last week....

    then AFTER May, i want to

    5. discuss with my boss a VERY specific and solid part time schedule, including time off or specific shifts for holidays so i can take Ellie to parades ect that she did not get to go to last year! She'll care more this year. eventually i want to be a SAHM so i want this to work out.

    6. get preggo again
    ~Jenni~
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    DH must have PMS. monthly, in a cyclical pattern, he shoves his head so far up his @$$ that it takes 3 weeks to get it out. Yesterday was wasted picking up my explorer from my parents house after they had to pick it up because DH broke it last week... big hairy mess... his truck is still broke down....

    today, he went to fix his truck in the morning, which tookhalf the day because morning to him is noon, and it still didnt work, so he brought some friends into town for me to run around and get their errands done. Of course, i took Ellie with me, and did all our errands. while DH took a nap. He took a nap at my parents house while waiting for my dad to get home to help us get the sploder out of the barn.

    so.. today, all i got from him was "whine whine, have to fix my truck... whine whine.. my head hurts, no i didnt take anything for it" until suddenly he remembers its karaoke night at the bar, and he gets up and starts cleaning. does a half *** job. acts like a 5 yr old asking for a freaking cookie. then he gets ready to go and i asked what time he'll be home. 1:30. thats what he told me.

    at 2:30 Ellie wakes up, has to be rocked and nursed before she goes back to sleep. DH is not home. at 3:45 he walks in. "i'm sorry i didnt know what time it was"

    WTF. i need bigger letters... 2 hours past time... he HAD to have noticed. but no. he's just dumb i guess.

    i'm so sick of his ****ing excueses. just sick of it. bull.
    ~Jenni~
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    TMI WARNING!

    Thats the only warning you are all getting! this is my vent place, my rant place, so i can stop cluttering every other board with my whines!

    i was brushing my teeth last night, i have a sore spot on one side, so i was going over it extra carefully. And i just happened to find that my bottom gums are looking freakishly skeletal! there are hollows that i have plaque built up in and it is utterly disgusting! i brush my teeth and floss RELIGIOUSLY, so this bothers me. we havent been able to afford a dentist in a very long time. But i havent had problems except periodic sore spots that heal with careful cleaning.

    and for th real TMI... i've been fighting a yeast infection, or at least what i thought was a yeast infection, for like a month. i used a 3 day treatment just before AF cam in dec... which was the 17th. and i just went through another 3 day-er, along with picking up some "yeast balance" pills at the local health food store. this is really interfereing with what little sex life i have. when it comes down to it, i usually dont care and go for it anyway, but this is turning into a huge messy, uncomfortable situation. So last night, after using the meds for the previous 3 nights, i remember to check my CM for the purposes of NFP. WFT i have the nastiest STUFF built up in there! it is creeping me out! i'm really freaking praying that it is just leftover medicine, because otherwise i will have to go see the Dr and i dont know if my plan first insurance covers that! pretty sure it doesnt. bastards. and i still need a full physical so i can do my practicum starting in like 2 weeks. NO WONDER I'M ALWAYS ON THE EDGE OF PANIC! I'm giving it until monday.

    and for some not-TMI info. i havent had a chance to work out in like 4 days, my BIL is driving me even more batty than normal, and DH and i managed our extra money very badly this paycheck, and are at rock bottom again. and i'm eating crap. i think i'll have an ice cream sundae to drown my worries.

    GOOD NEWS! i got Eclipse from the library, and finished it. less than 24 hrs. now i need breaking dawn.
    ~Jenni~
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