i've been STARVING since last night. not good when i'm trying to watch what i eat. and i know damn well that if i even try to regiment my eating by 1 snack an hour, i'll end up dizzy and nauseus at 10 minutes to. i think its a cyclical blood sugar related thing. and a nursing like a NB almost 1 yr old that will not remove herself from my boob unless forced to. and the metabolism spike when i walk to work probably induces the hunger too.
on the good side, when my mom saw DH last week she thought he looked like he was losing weight. and the lady from across the street today told me i looked like i've lost weight too. maybe i weighed myself at a bad time the other day (i was 176. bad me. pre-preggo i was 168, and i was down to 163 in november before the holidays. i've been trying to exercise more since last week when i weighed myself too.)
he came home at 3:15 this morning. At that same friends house. he wasnt drinking or anything, but WTF! and get this, he THOUGHT he had permission from me to go! After last time, seriously?!?!?!? he brougt it up, and maybe at 11 i told him he could go for a little bit, but when you leave at 1 am that is ...... STUPID. i have told him how much i hate waking up alone when he takes off and isnt where he's supposed to be. So i woke up at 3 right before he came home, checked the living room, thinking he was asleep in his chair. nope. last time he told me, i didnt even suggest this "i wont go out anywhere unless you are with me. or i have your permission." and i told him at the time, i was NEVER going to give him permission. not sure why he thought it was OK to leave me and the sleeping baby at 1 am to go out. what a ****. so i've been awake since 3, cant get back to sleep, spent plenty of it crying. I just feel so betrayed! if he thought he had permission, and he didnt think that maybe i NEED him at night, then we must be strangers living in the same house. what gets me is that i have communicated rather clearly how i feel about him not being here, especially when Ellie wakes up and i have to deal with her my self as usual, but its like he doesnt even want to be part of our lives.
get this, i wish i could have cuddled at 3 when i woke up. but he wasnt here. at 5 he asks if i want to cuddle..... well, damnit, no i dont now! i cannot continue to live my life when its convenient for him! i cant get my needs met, why should i put any effort into meeting his? the worst part is, i know i will, i might cut him off for a day, but i will get so sick of being mad at him that i'll cave a DTD or whatever just so we can have it all together again! he NEVER makes the effort to make me feel better, and you know what, i never give him cause to be as upset with me as i am with him. never.
DH's paycheck was like $200 less than he expected, and $50 less than what i calculated as being the lowest he would get. that sucks. But i did get my work W2's today, so we can file taxes sooner hopefully!
My BIL owes us around $300 for rent etc last month before he moved out, and i dont know if he's going to pay it. i may have to hurt him if he doesnt. plus the extra $50 off of DH's check could have been energy drinks charged to his account... because BIL's work charge card wasnt working at the time.
if he gives us $250 i will have enough for rent in savings. thats good... never occurred to me that our next checks would be completely available for paying bills instead of tied instantly to rent. that would be very good.
so today i went to find Ellie a birthday gift. she's going to be 1, she doesnt know care or notice what i got. i got her a set of very nice blocks that usually cost $60 for half price. there are 3 other sets that add on to this one at that toy store and i want to go back and get them all for her! then i went to salvation army because DH was going to go help a friend get a couch and i wanted to meet him there, but i didnt see him. what i did see was a kitchen table set for $50 that is exactly like the one the family i babyst for had, and i liked it, and a kids table with chairs for 12.50 and a 3t holiday dress for under a dollar. i didnt have any cash, so i left before i could buy things.
and then i got DH's credti card statement in the mail. we desperatly relied on it over x-mas because both our cars broke down among other things... and it went from under $200 to 1700.
induce panic attack NOW!
on top of these worries for the day.... i'm still filling out my paperwork for my practicum, i scheduled my appt for a physical next week, but i cant remember when my WIC appt is, so i just dug through my drawer and cant find the paperwork, quite annoying. i know i'll get a call next week about it.
i need to make copies of my other papers... and i can if i remember to take them to work with me. and i need to leave for work in an hour and if DH isnt home i'm going to castrate him with a rusty spoon. slightly annoyed. I only work for a couple hours so then i'm going to spend the night cleaning with Ellie as much as i can, maybe run up to the store to get the last $3 of produce on my WIC. i wonder if the bananas look good today.
oh, and DH got his secretary of state paperwork, renwal of the registration for both vehicles and his license this year, nearly 200.... and we barely have it to spare. but i already worked it into the budget, we should be ok.l but he wants a passport card instead of a regular ID in case Boyne USA wants him to go work at their resort in canada north of vancouver for the 2010 olympics!
i learned a very important lesson today about having too many irons in the fire.
i got up this morning, checked my usual online stuff, worked on my homework for my online class, then started waking Ellie up. Did mor usual stuff, diapers, get Ellie dressed, dress myself, breakfast, and then i made a massive list of everything i needed to accomplish today. i did a few parts in the apartment, then decided to put Ellie in the wrap and do a bunch outside, take the trash out, unload the car full of totes i retreived from my mom's last night, and do a load of laundry. Well, i got outthe door with Ellie, grabbed DH's coat to keep me warm, and i heard the door click. and thought " i wonder if i ever unlocked the door from the outside....." nope. i had just locked myself out of the apartment. so i took the trash out, borrowed a neighbors phone, left 2 messages for people, including the landlord and DH, and proceeded to clean out the explorer, thinking of how else to solve my problem.
a 10 foot ladder might help, i left a windo cracked open. could call my parents to get DH's keys..... and possiblility #3 was hope the babysitter got here early, which he did, and could run to get DH's keys. so he did. i was only locked out for an hour in mild nearly 40 degree weather, with the option to sit on the stairs or in the car or even in the neighbors. Ellie napped the whole time.
we finally get inside, i spy the list and check off what i accomplished, then i bring the stack of stuff i got out of the car in. as i do, a bag on the top, which had clothes and a big plastic jar of spaghetti sauce in it fell and broke... and splattered. the clothes in the bag, the floor, the neighbors door. UGH. so i put it all away, cleaned it all up and now i'm thinking of making a smaller list. I also let the water out of the sink (i was doing dishes when i decided to take the trash out spurring this whole thing...)
and the good news is: at no point did i feel depressed, defeated, stupid, and i didnt get angry or sad or cry or freak out. this is very very very good. i handled a very stressful situation with aplomb... and i'm still looking on the bright side! i'm assuming its just a good day among other things. its nice to handle a crisis without making it worse.
1. i made a mei tai this morning. well, i worked on it last night and finished it this morning. i have 2 conclusions so far. When using 60" wide fabric, straps of that length are plenty long enough to use on DH or similarly sized large men, because i can wrap it around myself TWICE. and 22" wide, and 22" long body square, (plus a trapezoid head rest babyhawk style) is plenty big enough for Ellie, or possibly an eight year old.
and Ellie already loves it! its so easy for back carries!
2. WFT does STOREWIDE mean to you? i kinda thought that it mean EVERYTHING! i've had 2 customers going.. "is this on sale?" EVERYTHING is 30% off, and some items are 40% off. and customer #2 goes on with her lisping european accent asking if certain items are 30 or 40, despite the fact that i showed her the sign listing what is 40% off... and she read it outloud, and we have 8 signs up around the store... then proceeds to tell me that "thats too much" "this is very expensive" " you need to have 60-70% off to get people in here"
our markup is BARELY 50%... or is that 100... either way, we pay half to the manufacturer, MY employee discount for clothes i have to wear to work is only 40%! WE WILL AND HAVE NEVER EVER had a sale of that magnitude. only when we have items that are several years old that wont sell, and we already know we lost money on, do we clearance them and make up what we can of our loss.
what exatly am i supposed to tell her? there is a store across the street with $500 dresses! and you think $55 for Pj's is too much? when you have them for 5 years before they wear out, it really evens out, plus 40% off of those suckers and its really a good deal. its not like your whining is going to make me mark them down, it just makes me want you out of the store. ugh!
OMG... i need to put these very solidly in the journal that i dont write in often LOL
1. finish college, keep my GPA up, and dont panic about my practicum!
2. get fit, this is a two pronged approach to weigh less and feel better when i get preggo again, and imporove my less than stellar sex life with DH. also, he needs to get fit too, i have a bribery system of sexual favors worked out, i hope it works. (i wonder if could mention sex more times in one resolution....)
3. Pay dont/pay off debt, with my friend Dave Ramsey. Get DH on board. directly relates to #4
4. don't buy new clothes for myself. i have exceptions, like bras, walking shoes, work shirts,interview clothes if i decide not to be a SAHM or our financial situation prevents it, and probably sox/undies, but i'll see if i can get DH to get them for my for x-mas next year and solve 2 problems at once!
all except #4 need to be done in a big way by May. i want most of the debt gone, like 2/3's of it, and it might work with our tax refund and tuition scholarship refunds. and DH's 75 hr work week from last week....
then AFTER May, i want to
5. discuss with my boss a VERY specific and solid part time schedule, including time off or specific shifts for holidays so i can take Ellie to parades ect that she did not get to go to last year! She'll care more this year. eventually i want to be a SAHM so i want this to work out.
6. get preggo again
(check off number 3)
1 and 4 are doing well, 3 needs a big boost but isnt going in reverse at least, and 5 and 6 are for after may
i stubbed my toe yesterday and now its still really sore. must be a bad bruise because its not broken. i checked.
my first aid class got out early! i was home at 8:45, it was supposed to run until 9 AND from 9-1 tomorrow. i have HOURS off now! like i'll get anything done, but at least i can spend more time with my punkin. i feel like i'm such a ***** for neglecting her lately. At least i know that spending more quality time with her makes her happier and makes both our lives easier.
Ellies babysitter today did not tell me ANY of his plans to take her out and about in his mom's truck (his lisence is suspended) and i'm kinda pissed. i need to know where my child is! looks like we'll be having a little talk. the last time he was here he took her for a 45 minute walk in her stroller and DH had to go get him from his mom's work. and i'm ok with visiting, its a senior center and they love her, but GEEZ, HE DIDNT TELL ME THEY WERE GOING! I NEED TO KNOW WHERE MY CHILD IS!
i feel like i've been sucked into a vortex of housechores lately, i just cannot get anything done and i'm never happy with the state of the house. i did make some huge progress though, even though i had to do some major bribing of myself with hours of video game play in order to get it done. and my homework hasnt been touched in days.
i walk as much as i can, but i have not worked out in longer than i can remember. i tried yesterday and managed 6 minutes before i sank into a funk that i couldnt get out of.
DH says my sploder is breaking. lovely news. we're looking at some new cars on craigslist, but nobody seems to be able to get back to me.
feeling in adequate today. dont know why. thinking its my fault that Ellie is behind in her milestones. even though i'm sure its not my fault. I'm actuallly on top of most things right now, and feeling like its not good enough, like i should be better, like on top of things is the worst it should get and i should be ahead of the game. it is nothing short of human to not be God and be so far ahead but i'm having a hard time reconsiling that to my life ATM.
and like i said, i'm on top of everything for once, so i dont know why i'm feeling this way.
wondering if i'm a good enough parent or if i should send Ellie to daycare and work so that she can learn zoophonics and baby sign.
thinking i'm slacking because i JUST got my assgnments in under the dealine for my OL class, i'm NOT keeping uup in the practicum, (23 students in a class with a limit of 10 is a problem to me!) and already not living up to my own expectations in math class.
laundry and dishes at a standstill, but not tragic yet.
all the bills paid, present and acounted for!