So I've been a little... thats sarcastic... INSANELY stressed out every waking moment of every day.
work- i've been slacking off, and i only work part time, she really works with my schedule, and i've been there for going on 5years so i know what i'm doing. but i've gotten stuck in a rut and lazy, so i'm never going to get a raise, there isnt a whole lot of opportunity for advancement anyway, and i want to be a SAHM when we get working on #2 but can't afford it quite yet.
school- i'm doing my student teaching! how is that NOT stressful! i've got piles of homework from my other classes, and i'm constantly wondering if i'm doing too much or not enough or slacking off while i'm doing the student teaching. My only consolation: i'm usually an a student, so slacking off really only drops me to the C's get degrees category!
Ellie- am i being a good mom? should i take her outside more? keep my house cleaner? buy her something to help developmentally? if she's sick, do i wait it out or go to the Dr? who's watching her while i'm at work? should i get a different job and put her in full time daycare because they're better at it than i am (NO, but i feel that way somtimes!)
DH- am i expecting unreasonable things from him? am i treating him well enough?
Health-why am i gaining weight? dont i have any slef control? put down the cookies!why can't i get off my butt and work out!
house- i'm such a slob, if DHS came in here, they'd take Ellie away! (not really, but sometimes i feel that way!) why can't week keep this organized! why do i keep buying things to fix it when all i do is make it worse!
budget- why doi keep overspending, why dont' we have any savings? why is DH overspending and i still have to balance the rest of the budget without his help? why cant we do better, why can't we agree and work together!
which leads me to my story: DH and i decided we needed a date night out for once. cant remember the last time i actually did that. We were half going to pick Ellie up in the middle of the night from my parents, and half going to leave her all night and going to crash on their couch... we ended up making 2 unnecessesary trips but OH WELL, i had a great time.
We headed out to the bar, and when we pulled in, i saw a friend was going in too, and i was glad i had someone to dance with...DH doesnt dance. it was half off drinks, and DH and i get in free because he used to work there as a bouncer, and my BIL (my sister's DH) is the DJ.
i think i had ... i'm not sure anymore. i had 2 snake nuts.. then a shot of jager with DH, then a tequila sunrise then i know i finished another snake nuts. thats 4 drinks and a shot. and i dont remember if i drank 1 more snake nuts and then i only had half of the last one, or if that was my last one.. i think it was the last one...very confusing, i know. between 10 and about 12:30.
I danced a little bit, but not a whole lot... my friend was more interested in getting drunk than dancing, but we were on the floor a little bit.
Then i was tired, DH broke up a fight.. and we decided to go home and get jiggy. by the time i got home... i was in my instand hangover phase. i dont get morning after hangovers, no headache, stomach is fine since i got up, but about an hour after i stop drinking when i start to sober up a little bit, i feel like utter crap. i thought i was going to puke for like an hour. DH and i were naked in bed dozing off and waking up to sip water and nibble cookies because i told him to screw himself when he suggested some plain bread or popcorn to eat to make me feel better. sometimes drunk is nice.
anyway, at 3:15 i woke up and made him get up to go get Ellie because last we told my parents we would get her at 2 when the bar closed. I was too out of it to care. He got back at about 5 with her, still asleep, and i finally put clothes on, sleeping naked is WAYYY underrated.
and this morning i woke up .... to a phone call... but refreshed and feeling like i can conqer the world again instead of like its all out to get me like i have felt for the last several months. no sense of impending doom. the sun is shining and i think i can do it all!
i just got myself all worked up reaing a bunch of crap.
1. thinking about childbirth. how i want a midwife... thinking about money, another thought on complications and how evil it is that the ACOG and insurance companies dictate how we can or cannot give birth and then refuse to endorse and allow to practice anyone who disagrees...
leading to the healthcare crisis here, that makes me want to shoot lawmakers for thinking that mandating me to pay for insurance is reasonable. Either i'm so broke other people will be paying taxes for me to have it or i make enough money that i'm not allowed to save by paying out of pocket, i'm required to pay them for no good reason when i'm so healthy that i dont need the damn insurance in the first place.
which leads to thinking about mandated healthcare and vaccines. i'm getting so much crap from the Dr's about delaying a few vaccines for Ellie. sooo much crap about it! I'M THE PARENT, I GET TO DECIDE!
and on that note, if moms are not required to breastfeed, which gives more immune protection than vaccines through 6 months old, why are we being forced to vaccineat but not forced to BF?
and on that note, if the excuse is that vaccines are in the best health interest, then why isnt natural, drug free, educated birth required instead of all those could-have-been-avoided and unwanted c-sections due to CRAPPY reasons such as the fact that we have little research on breech births because we refuse to do them, and "the baby is too big" bull when it comes out at 7lbs... 12 is a bit much IMO, but i did fine with a 8.5 lb 13.5 smooshed head LO. if yo udont push enough to get a cone head, the measurements dont compare with an unsmooshed c-section baby's head etc..... ugh.... just getting frustrated!
which is really not good because i'm frustrated with DH because he's been such a flippin dink lately. He's temporarily laid off because his job is seasonal. so he sleeps in til noon, or as late as he can get away with, sits in his chair on is butt all day, complains that his fee/bac/knees/neck/shoulders hurt, but wont even go for a walk, much less work out.... eats CRAP all day, whines that his stomach hurts/has gas/heartburn/is fat... whines that Ellie is being annoying but he doesnt take her outside, read to her, play games, or even feed her well... and when i get home from WORK, whines that he hasnt had time to do his homework for his TWO classes when i dont ahve time to do it for FOUR classes.... and doesnt clean, then steps on stuff or cant find a clean spoon or clean boxers and whines about that, then "isnt tired" because he stayed up til 3 am so he says "can i go to the bar?" and then wonders why he never gets laid.
short vent- my boss put me in a very awkward position today. She wants me to work all day, when usually i come in at 2 and the other girl works the morning. 2 weeks ago we had a customer complain about the other girl's lack of service, then last weekend she had a commitment so i worked all day. The boss never called her to clarify that she wasnt supposed to come in, so when i got here,she was here opening and i had to go over the schedule with her and show her that she wasnt on, and she's not on next weekend.
i dont blame the boss because she's had a rough week, broke up with her BF of a year, training a new summer employee, new summer stock arriving
why does my DH have to be such an a$$? he hasnt gone to sleep with me in like 5 days, takes off for like half of every day... or night... thinks he has the RIGHT to do it, even though he's laid off and i'm working.
i'm just pissed at him. he never cleans anything in the house.... just makes bigger messes, and never helps me clean up. i'm really frustrated with him. and then he gets mad if i'm too pissed to say "i love you" as he's leaving me with the baby to go out for the night.
i'm blaming most of it on DH. he still keeps taking off on me every night. if he stays home 2 nights ina row he thinks he deserves a medal, and if he spends 15 minutes cleaning one day he thinks he's off for the week. i get more PO'd at him every day. We've talked about it so many times... i just keep bringing it back up so he doesnt forget and think that i'm ok with all this.
not helping- Ellie's schedule is really messed up. one night she wakes up in the middle of the night and we've been screwed since. Her naps are haywire.... i dont know what to do anymore. i've been trying to listen to her cues and go with what she needs, but its not working. She never gets up at the same time (maybe 2 days in a row, then she's up in the middle of the night and we let her sleep in because we are sleeping in and its over again.) never takes naps at the same time, fr the same amount of time, or even the same number of naps. so by bedtime the whole day has been a crapshoot. She's grouchy... i'm grouchy.... i guess my only thought is to write down a schedule and stick to it like cement for 2 weeks. i only work a coupel days a week. but DH wont do it the days i do work. maybe then we can work on it. she's still rarely if ever sleeping in her own bed.
i was so proud of myself, last night i worked for 2 hours to get her to sleep in her own bed.... after that i was really tired, and i felt i had tried, so i let her get in bed with me. she woke up 2 hrs later and was awake with DH for 2 hrs who proceeded to wake me up to try to get me to put her back to sleep. dude, you went to karaoke and i already did this once.... not my problem.
and on top of the rest of this, i rented valentine's day to watch with Ellie because i hate it when DH bashes my movies..... and he came home as it was ending, i was watching the bloopers and laughing and he says " must be time for you to go to bed" (that wasnt the exact words.... it was with a really condescending tone.... made me feel stupid for liking the moving and being entertained) he thought i was so tired i was slap-happy. maybe he just hasnt seen me happy at all in so long that he cant remember what its like. i broke down and cried i was so upset wit hhim right there. i just dont understand where he gets off treating me like that. cant i just flippin laugh at a movie without his bull?
DH went to the blackjack tournament at the casino (free) last night. i figured he'd be back late-ish... he said it ended at 9.... and i knew he wouldnt be home on time. i didnt figure 1 am though.
so, i wound Ellie down gradually all night... and after like 45 minutes of rocking her, got her to sleep in her own bed at about midnight. Not feeling like sleeping, and mad at DH, i decided to work on my puzzle on the table...... i went through many... many.. many emotions, decisions and whatnot while i was sitting there until he got home at 1 am.
i thought about leaving. taking Ellie and going, but DH is my best friend and when he's a dink i dont have anyone to complain to about him because it hurts my feelings when my family bashes him because he's making bad choices. so i sat and though. if he does this again, i'm moving into Ellies room. i am not getting what i need out of our relationship, and i refuse to be treated like this anymore. i fell like his secretary... good enough when somehting fun is going on, but not sharing the rough or boring parts of our lives together.
when he got home he sat inhis chair just a few feet away from me... and talked to himself. because he was saying random things trying to start a conversation and i wasnt answering him. he started asking me random questions, and almost every single one i told him "i thought we talked about this already" because we DID. i had specific conversations with him about these things... wheather i work today, what other movie did i rent.... blah...blah...blah.
so this morning... i woke up. AND ELLIE IS STILL IN HER BED! not worried about jinxing it because i'm damn sure she wont STTN again for a year anyway! it was great, i felt so refreshed on 5 strahigh hours of sleep! but she woke up a little later and i laid down to nurse her and we went back to sleep together for 2 hrs anyway
i had breakfast with Ellie then went to wake DH up so he could help me clean before his tournament today and he says "I'M TIRED" he doesnt work out.... he went to bed the same time as me, and i gave him an extra hour of sleep. and he knows if he doesnt play nice and help around the house i will be extra pissed that he leaves and doesnt spend time with me.
so i got dressed. i woke him up, handed him a clean, dry, dressed and ready to go Ellie and told him i was going for a walk. and i left. I walked up to the college and took the nature trail. it was beautiful today. i dont think God is in a building or a book, but he sure as hell lives in those woods, everywhere. had a little "prayer" session and a few minutes later i saw a white moth flutter across the trail through the beams of sunshine, and i knew it was all going to work out.
i prayed for help and guidance getting fit, i prayed for another baby, i prayed for direction with our finances, and i prayed for help not getting stressed out about cleaning the house all the time. and i felt so at peace when i left, it was beautiful. i hope this feeling can last, and i can find solutions to my issues with DH today that are fair, and dont involve freaking out.
the good news, all that gut wrenching emotion i went through last night has inspired a story in my mind, lets see if i can write it
So DH and i were getting along for almost a week. yeah, i knew it was too good to be true.
1. i'm sick of freeloaders in my house. my BIL, his friend R, who has been freeloading off us a couple months at a time for years, and their other friend Cards. dont ask how he got that one. I warned cards that he needed my permission to stay, and i'm telling R today that he's out. unless he can cough up 150 for rent.... today. BIL is currently $100 short for may and June is due the 15th, another 200 (thats for his car insurance too)
2. Dh's friend Joe is back from a military stint. DH has always encouraged me to be friendly with him, they are friends from way back when. He has seen me TWICE IN MY LIFE. once 3 yrs ago we went to dinner with him, and 2 years ago when i was preggo with Ellie. about 6 times in between he's been home on leave but hasnt bothered to come see us and half of those times we drove to see him, after telling him we were going to see him, and he left for another part of the state in the 45 minutes it took to get there.
so we went to see him the other day at his grandmas. and he was there. now i do have to admit that i do flirt with him on the phone and ***** about DH, but this guy is no better. he likes to think he is, but he's not. first thing he does is put a big huge flippin dip i his mouth. ugh... i think i'll throw up now. i know DH does it but i told him point blank that i NEVER want to see him do it. in fact, several times a day he goes outside (just like his brother having a cigarette) and sits out there until he's done. what's worse is that he only brushes his teeth like once every other day.
ot there... so Joe.... well, i was teasing DH and was trying to get him to wrestle with me but he wouldnt so Joe did. And i did hold my own against him pretty well for military trained. but i lost, i was pinned, and he asked for a kiss as forfiet and i said fine... and puckered up like a little kid would. and he tried to get me wit tongue? does DH care? NOPE.
we're supposed to go out with Joe tonight, but i don't even want to see him because he's so flippin slimy. ugh.
i know i can't just go and enjoy myself. my options are... go and be a PITA, go and be a barbie doll and be numb all night. that will work until i get tired and start ripping off heads. or i could see if i can find a friend to do something else with. or DH and i could go out and not drive to pick Joe up. But i'm mad at DH anyway and i dont really want to go out with him.
so DH. IDK what his problem is. we got along for like a week because he watches Ellie while i work, (amazing... i never made a big deal... she's our child, thats what parenting is...) and has started cleaning A LOT to earn his nights out. then he stopped. and kept going out. and he lies to me all the time, not like "i didnt cheat on you" but more like "i promise i'll put the dishes away when i get home" "i'll follow that schedule you wrote out for Ellie" and cant keep track of any of our stuff or money or anything...doesnt keep those promises he makes... ... doesnt consider me AT ALL in anything he does... and i feel sooo torn up and half numb and half fried of this all.
i'm either going to throw up... or pass out... or scream.
because he goes out every night... he doesnt get up with me. ever. i guess he asks me if he can do go things ( in my sleep) and thinks thats valid, but if i ask him things in the morning when he's asleep.... it doesnt count.
he doesnt listen to me, doesnt hear me, doesnt pay attention to me.
i have issues that dont involve him... as much.
i have gained A LOT of weight, which does not make me happy. i've been TRYING to lose it, exercise, eat better. but the reason i gained was because i binge on cookie dough when i'm upset with him, and i've been upset A LOT.
compounded by the fact that i dont have any clothes that fit to workout in. the livingroom has 3 freeloaders so i cant do a video at home. DH wont watch Ellie (or he will but its a big production, and i feel bad enough that i leave her to go to work) so i either have to deal with him or take her with me. thats ok, but i can only walk her to the park so many times a day... really. and i dont break a sweat walking so its not like its burning a lot of calories.
We barely make enough money to make ends meet. i do all the finances. DH just doesnt pay attention. i make sure we save rent, i pay the insurance, i pay the bills. and he just keeps buying whatever he wants on his credit card when he runs out of cash. i have to do without milk, toilet cleaner, and whatever i want because i won't use the credit card again. i already paid all mine off, it was hard work, i didnt intend to have to do it again.
i feel like DH only wants to spend time with me when life is easy and fun. when its hard, when its work, when it sucks.... he just leaves and goes out for the night. He leaves me alone with Ellie and all of our problems and runs away.
i'm so sick of feeling like i'm supporting an extra person who ignores me. so sick of it. and i can't even indulge in my depression for 5 minutes because i feel like a bad parent and i have to suck it up and take Ellie to the park.
DH has been complaining about the rocking chair squeaking for weeks. just like the last 3 times it was squeaky, i went and got the WD-40 myself and fixed it. DH complains that he cant vacuum because the hose is cogged again. because he sucked up a lottery ticket. so during Ellie's nap i took it apart and fixed it. DH complains that his chef jacket for work is stained so i spend 2 days soaking scrubbing it in the bathtub by hand, washing it and hangint it to dry. he can't even remember to get it out of his truck so i can wash it most of the time.
however, when Ellie breaks the dowels in my drying rack and i can't hang the clothes to dry because of it, and i need help, DH is sleeping because he stayed out all night. i spend 2 hours trying every glue in the house and then finally tape it together. Even though i asked forhis help and tried to wake him up, he still has not clue that i fixed it myself with masking tape.
when i was 7 months pregnant our truck was breaking down and my dad wanted to help fix it but he needed the bed of the truck cleaned out. why was it full of trash in the first place? you'll have to ask DH. so i CHIPPED ICE OUT OF IT, BY MY SELF, BETWEEN COLLEGE CLASSES AND WORK, so that my dad could fix it for free.
the night Ellie was born, DH went out for a drink. even though it was his only night and day off, he couldnt even stay with his baby who was all of 6 hrs old.
i've always said i'd kill him, but never leave him. so i suppose i should start sharpening my knives or something. Right now, unless something clicks for him TODAY, by the time i get home in 3 hours, i'm going to be sleeping on the floor in Ellie's room. he makes me sick treating me this bad and i don't deserve it. its demeaning to me, and i'm sick of feeling so used. Luckily my parents love me very much and live 20 miles away, my sister is the same, so if i need a few days off they would be happy to let me stay there for a vacation.
besides the fact that its excessively difficult to kick him out... MAKE him leave, i want him to wallow in his own mess and misery for a while. maybe he'll figure out all that i do for him and appreciate it.
1. finish college, keep my GPA up, and dont panic about my practicum!
2. get fit, this is a two pronged approach to weigh less and feel better when i get preggo again, and imporove my less than stellar sex life with DH. also, he needs to get fit too, i have a bribery system of sexual favors worked out, i hope it works. (i wonder if could mention sex more times in one resolution....)
3. Pay dont/pay off debt, with my friend Dave Ramsey. Get DH on board. directly relates to #4
Half check.. had it paid off in march, then racked up 3 grand again. ugh.
4. don't buy new clothes for myself. i have exceptions, like bras, walking shoes, work shirts,interview clothes if i decide not to be a SAHM or our financial situation prevents it, and probably sox/undies, but i'll see if i can get DH to get them for my for x-mas next year and solve 2 problems at once!
Nope, been spending extra lately, my big butt wont fit into my pants so i bought new ones.
all except #4 need to be done in a big way by May. i want most of the debt gone, like 2/3's of it, and it might work with our tax refund and tuition scholarship refunds. and DH's 75 hr work week from last week....
then AFTER May, i want to
5. discuss with my boss a VERY specific and solid part time schedule, including time off or specific shifts for holidays so i can take Ellie to parades ect that she did not get to go to last year! She'll care more this year. eventually i want to be a SAHM so i want this to work out.
DH and i discussed this and he wants me to work MORE. thinks i need to bring home more bacon, i think he needs to quit blowing his half of the bacon, but i'll try it, he'll have to try it my way eventually!
6. get preggo again
Got a BFP today still in shock. hoping it sticks, want to be prepared either way, so i'll go later this week to the pregnancy resource center and get proof of pregnancy, call WIC after that or early next week, get DH to pick up an application for state aid (since he's still laid off, just until he starts getting a paycheck again) and call the OB sometime next week. Yippee