i talk to myself so i dont kill people

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Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870
i talk to myself so i dont kill people

sooo... read that title a few more times.

i swear, most of the time i am happy, i'm energetic, enthusiastic, accomplished, and my life is a brights and shiny pearl.

but other times.... not so much.

and today its not. well. last night. this is the straw that broke the camel's back etc.. blah blah blah

Ellie woke up at 1 am because we still haven't established a good bed routine where she falls asleep on her own or stay asleep all night. i'm fine with her waking to nurse and going back to sleep, but she thinks its playtime for an hour since we got sick 2 weeks ago. so.... its 1 am. i got up with her, my BIL is sitting in the living room with his friend... neither pay rent, my BIL is driving me nuts and i keep finding pop (soda) bottles with his friends chew spit slime in them so i asked BIL if he would watch Ellie, return her to me when she's tired, and i said his friend needed to go home because i was sick of cleaning up after him (and he insists for the last 3 weeks it's not him) and he says "ITS NOT MINE, ITS BILL'S"

Bill is my DH. WTF. since when does he freaking CHEW?!?!?!?

at first i dont want to believe him. then it stats to make sense, and by the timei get back to the bedroom, i'm upset enough to wake him up at 1 am and ask him.

he says "sure" WTF again. WTF. once upon time he smoked. i told him that was a deal breaker when i was IN HIGHSCHOOL, once he had a can of chew in his locker and i took it. so how the freaking hell does he think this is ok with me!

i'm not sure i can write WTF enough times to explain how i felt.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i was so upset i could not stand it. i got dressed AT ONE AM... and went for a walk. i walked out the house, i slammed every door, every drawer, and i took off. i now feel bad because i left Ellie in there. i should have just taken her with me for a walk. i wandered around for 20 minutes, then i wanted to wander home to make sure they didnt htink i would leave Ellie. and DH caught me outside, he got up, the fastest i'v EVER seen him get up and dressed, and was sitting in his truck.

we walked and talked for another 20 minutes. most of it stopping and yelling, a lot of crying on my part.

he doesnt understand why its not ok. WTF. if he EVER thought it was ok with me, he leads a rich fantasy life. Maybe he thinks thats why i should be fine with him coming home... or even if he's home, not coming to bed until 4 am while i put the baby to sleep by myself every night, why he thinks its fine to drink whenever he wants (a drink is fine but there are limits, he has none) why its ok with him if all his friends smoke, and why he buys his brother cigarettes.

and its not ok.

this is just one more straw in my huge massive pile of insanity. illustrated in list form, just some of my problems
Ellie cant stay on any schedule, because no matter what i do, when i go to wrok DH will let her sleep as much as she wants all day so i have to be up all night with her.
DH is unemployed, and having problems getting his unemployment compensation, so he sits at home all day doing nothing and driving me nuts, refusing to get up at a normal time in the morning and stays up all night (see above)
his brother lives with us andi'm going to kill him. he's unemployed and pays no rent. we pay his car insurance and he uses our toilet paper, eats our food, and we buy him cigarettes and gas. correction, DH buys it, i tell him to go *suck* himself.
i pay all the bills every month and DH whines that he has no money, and i feel like the wicked witch. even though i know he just blows money.
we are knee deep in credit card debt. which means that we cant afford.... oh... anything.
DH wants to go to a training academy 4 states away for his job, and move there, but he wont make a freaking decision about it, so he's wasting time in limbo.
i flipped my mattress over and its all broken so i'm sore. and we cant afford a new one.
i have a stuffy nose and a whiny baby with a stuffy nose.
i havent had time to work out in 2 weeks.
DH whines that he is fat, then wont get off his @$$ and do anything. not even the dishes.
our landlord has threatened to kick us out THREE TIMES because the yard is full of trash. i didnt make the mess. neither did Ellie. DH and BIL.... and they wont clean it. i want the landlord to kick us out right now because nobodly will let us move in with BIL with us so that means he would have to get the f*** out!

and to add to my stress, i dearly love my DH. some days we are SO on the same wavelength, we juggle so well that we could be circus stars, and i would never leave him. but i really want to kill him right now.

and i'm mad at myself for being mad at him because i'm SOOO sick of being mad at him!

like last night after my huge blow up we were talking and he is soooo good at reading me, he said "you just bottle it all up and get frustrated about it, and thats why you blow up" which is sooo right.... hes a good daddy 95% of the time, he's a great guy, but what he does and puts up with i CANNOT live with anymore! and i shouldhnt have to.

and after all that, i'm still pretty sure that he's going to continue to "chew" on the side. he'll probably clean up after himself better to get away with it.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

a new day!

yesterday DH went with a friend to retreive is '75 school bus that he wants for a party bus (parked in the yard, not running or driving) that they have already failed to retreive twice. DH dropped Ellie off at a friends for the day, a good responsible mom friend who takes good care of her, and he was going to stay out all night. i already agreed to it, he claims. and not i'm not allowed to change my mind, even though circumstances changed. men.

so after work i go to pick up Ellie and my car wont start. f***. i offer the babysitter gas money to bring hre back for me. i feel bad because its only $5. she brings her youngest (the oldest is BIL's friend) andi argue with him while nursing Ellie. at first i tried not to, but then i started winning the argument, so i kept going. fun. very fun! it began with the difference between fun and entertaining. it also involved star trek and star wars.

then my dinner got done (boxed meal of scalloped potatoes i found in the cupboard) and i was so hungry (forgot to pack dinner to take to work) that i didnt feel bad about finishing it off all by myself. Ellie also had several bites and was a very good girl playing on the floor.

when i went to bed i realized that nobody was home and i didnt know when anybody would come home, so, creeped out, i locked the door. they dont have keys with them Smile yes i got some sick satisfaction out of locking my DH and BIL out for the night.

Ellie woke up at 12:45 instead of 1, and then the phone rang.. DH wanting in. he wasnt suppoed to come home for HOURS! the bus is broke down on the side of the road, again Smile but i had my DH back, all to myself! he even came to bed right away! well, he showered, and i was fighting to get Ellie back to sleep anyway so its ok.

We slept in until 9:30, i showered for the first time in days, and i could hear Ellie in the bedroom taking DH apart with her fingers (pinching, yanking his chest hair, yet again, caused me satisfaction) so i got her and i dressed, and while i fed her breakfast, i made my own lunch for work, then we went for a short walk. it was cold. but it has warmed up to over 50 already, very nice day. i have the door open at work.

Ellie crashed for nap, and stayed asleep in her PnP when i laid her down. DH was going to get a little more sleep while she napped, but he was up before i left,so i dont thinkhe'll try to get her to sleep all day this time. he's planning a movie night tonight.

and i managed to make cookie dough this morning before i left, Ellie and i will make cookies later Smile

and so far at work, i vacuumed up the leaves and did a BUNCH of folding that i left yesterday, exhausted at the end of the day. Back to work now, shirts dont fold or sell themselves!

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

bad day again, like i needed it.

i'm seriously considering cutting back on all my activities, i just cant handle it all right now.

i freaked out and broke dishes today. the last timei did it i was pregnant. DH was playing video games and he claims he was not ignoring me begging for help, but he could not get off his *** and help me. then he demanded a kiss before he left for class even though iwas so upset already that i couldnt breathe and when i didnt kiss him he slammed the door. and i threw some plates.

we need a new set of dishes now.

and the really bad part is that even once he got home from class he didnt notice for an hour and i was trying not to lose it the whole time.

so he helped me clean a little bit.

i need to remind him that its not fixed yet.

he's back to paying video games. i'm gonna break the damn thing.

we tried CIO with Ellie because my lack of sleep is not helping my stress level, and after an hour and a half we both caved. so she's up and he's *****ing at her because she's playing with his controler cord.

while DH was at class i locked myself and Ellie in the bedroom... cleaned the whole thing, and the bathroom.

dishes still arent done.

thats ok, we dont have any food to cook or eat anyway.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

today i'm not feeling crazy. well, not TOO crazy Smile

yesterday was a blockbuster day, i got up, got Ellie dressed, cleaned up, did a freaking load of dishes, got ready for class, didnt bomb my Chemistry quiz, got home, we loaded up laundry and took it to my mom's house to wash, visited our fav stores got a few *essential* groceries, we did very well compromising and only getting a few things and we did a little splurging too. didnt break the bank.

however, i did want to kill DH inthe store because he wanted something to eat NOW,he couldnt wait 10 minutes to get there and microwave the pizza's we already had to compromise on getting, so i finally got him out of the store and we got food. then he whined all night about the laundry taking so long, but didnthelp fold anything. the drive home was a little tense but not bad, and Ellie was pretty good, she fell asleep pretty quick and dint wake up wanting to paly 40 times either.

today DH slept in while i went to LLL, and then i dropped her off so i could go to work for a little while... and for some reason our phone is not working i keep trying to call but i get no answer, freaking annoying. he hasnt even noticed.
in 15 minutes i'm giong to have to put a sign on the door and lock up so i can run home, then run back, i forgot my backpack and waterbottle and its driving me nuts that my phone isnt working. ugh.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

birth control is too much work! i'm using the FAM method of NFP because we are both sick of pill/hormones/side effects, i forget the pills anyway, and the lack of sex drive really bothers DH. its not like this mentod is any harder than remembering pills, i just am sick of having to do it and then activly prevent when i think i want another one! ok, i know i want another, i've been fighting it since Ellie was 3 months old.
and the atvatage of knowing exactly when i O is eclipesd by the fact that we have to prevent right now. why are we preventing? i think it all comes down to money. DH doesnt want to have to sit at home witn 2 kiddos while i'm at work, but i have to work because we cant live off his income alone with the debt we have.

it took us 7 months of JLIH, including one of charting, before we got preggo the first time anyway, and that ended in m/c. it took another month of vitex, mucinex and charting to get Ellie. I'm torn because in one way i feel like my body figured out pregnancy after that first failed one, and in other ways i know how much work it tok to get preggo, so if i want a x-mas 2010 baby i would have to start trying now JLIH style to get it!
i want to have complete faith in the powers that be and trust them (God, Goddess, whatever you choose to name them) to give me gifts i can handle, but i also know the help those who help themselves, and they dont have time lines of work, semesters or shopping seasons to work around, and have no regard for them.

i dont want to chart to prevent for the next 6 months and then go crazy with the vitex etc when my patience runs out!

well, i gues i'll focus on two things to get me through THIS month,
1. my BIL might move back in with us by x-mas or so and
2. work on paying off the CC debt.

oooh, when tax time comes around, Ellie was not a dependent for 08 taxes,and now she is, we will get all our money back!

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

What would i do if i had complications instead of being able to work through most thing the next time around? i know i could get sick with something random at any point now, and spend weeks recovering and not being able to do things i usually can do, but getting pregnant would be like doing that on purpose, and then i would feel responsible, like its all my fault for doing it and i made a bad decision.

ok, concrete goal- pay off the BofA credit card. not transfer. PAY off. taxes should do that, and then i'll have to wait until after x-mas, after Ellie's b-day, and a little longer to get the damn refund... which puts me at my target of march/april to TTC. only 3 more cycles, 3 more O's that i have to resist and NOT try to get preggo. and when morning sickness hits, it will be at the end of, or after the semester is over (student teaching! ech!)

poor Amie on the jan BB has 2 lo's running around to take care of and she's soo sick right now! maybei'll go re-read her miserable posts and remind myself what its like...

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i have a slight Taylor Lautner obsession right now. i think he's like smoking hot and if he walked up to me today without a shirt on i'd cheat on DH for him. but thats only because DH says he'd sleep with Jamie Presley and a few other stars if he had the chance. I guess its a good thing neither of us will actually have that chance.

Not helping that DH got me his poster for x-mas and a bunch of Elloras Cave books... now every man has his face. Strange but true, i figured out this little trick while preggo and couldnt sleep, to get to sleep at night, i work up the perfect fantasy... usually mentally i have a nice pic of shirtless perfect man (in my dreams its DH and i can actually have all that rippling muscle) and by the time making out starts, i fall asleep.

but its ok, just like a teenage crush, it will end... and it wont take long.
i think i'm near Oing (and i shuld be, within like 3 days or so) and thats why i'm a little man-hungry (replacing boy-crazy)

Anyway, this is leading to me saying, that he is so ripped, and he had to bulk up like that in 3 months because they were replacing him because they needed a big change for the movie... and he had the discipline to do it, so i'm working out again! besides my 20 minutes walks to and from work, last night and this morning, i did the 10 minute crunch workout( belly) ... when last week i couldnt make it through the 10 minutes (lost interest) and in november when i tried i got REALLY REALLY sore, i'm not sore from doing it. and i did some Ellie-weight curls and triceps lifts .. or whatever you call them. and ididnt binge on snacks last night either. obsession is a good thing for me.
very good because i realize that i cannot have TL... i have DH and i like him, so inorder for me to have that fantasy sex i want... that cannot be with TL, i have to work to have it with DH. i just wish DH would get some bigger biceps, he's gotten smooshy since highschool. so have i. if i can get back into shape, maybe he will too. 10 lbs and i'll be at my graduation weight. 20 and i'll be at the cheerleading-season-before-birth-control-size-8-skintight-jeans that i was before x-mas my senior year. 30 and i'll actually be at the lowest weight ever since i turned like 12.

resolutions
OMG... i need to put these very solidly in the journal that i dont write in often LOL

1. finish college, keep my GPA up, and dont panic about my practicum!

2. get fit, this is a two pronged approach to weigh less and feel better when i get preggo again, and imporove my less than stellar sex life with DH. also, he needs to get fit too, i have a bribery system of sexual favors worked out, i hope it works. (i wonder if could mention sex more times in one resolution....)

3. Pay dont/pay off debt, with my friend Dave Ramsey. Get DH on board. directly relates to #4

4. don't buy new clothes for myself. i have exceptions, like bras, walking shoes, work shirts,interview clothes if i decide not to be a SAHM or our financial situation prevents it, and probably sox/undies, but i'll see if i can get DH to get them for my for x-mas next year and solve 2 problems at once!

all except #4 need to be done in a big way by May. i want most of the debt gone, like 2/3's of it, and it might work with our tax refund and tuition scholarship refunds. and DH's 75 hr work week from last week....

then AFTER May, i want to

5. discuss with my boss a VERY specific and solid part time schedule, including time off or specific shifts for holidays so i can take Ellie to parades ect that she did not get to go to last year! She'll care more this year. eventually i want to be a SAHM so i want this to work out.

6. get preggo again

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

DH must have PMS. monthly, in a cyclical pattern, he shoves his head so far up his @$$ that it takes 3 weeks to get it out. Yesterday was wasted picking up my explorer from my parents house after they had to pick it up because DH broke it last week... big hairy mess... his truck is still broke down....

today, he went to fix his truck in the morning, which tookhalf the day because morning to him is noon, and it still didnt work, so he brought some friends into town for me to run around and get their errands done. Of course, i took Ellie with me, and did all our errands. while DH took a nap. He took a nap at my parents house while waiting for my dad to get home to help us get the sploder out of the barn.

so.. today, all i got from him was "whine whine, have to fix my truck... whine whine.. my head hurts, no i didnt take anything for it" until suddenly he remembers its karaoke night at the bar, and he gets up and starts cleaning. does a half *** job. acts like a 5 yr old asking for a freaking cookie. then he gets ready to go and i asked what time he'll be home. 1:30. thats what he told me.

at 2:30 Ellie wakes up, has to be rocked and nursed before she goes back to sleep. DH is not home. at 3:45 he walks in. "i'm sorry i didnt know what time it was"

WTF. i need bigger letters... 2 hours past time... he HAD to have noticed. but no. he's just dumb i guess.

i'm so sick of his ****ing excueses. just sick of it. bull.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

TMI WARNING!

Thats the only warning you are all getting! this is my vent place, my rant place, so i can stop cluttering every other board with my whines!

i was brushing my teeth last night, i have a sore spot on one side, so i was going over it extra carefully. And i just happened to find that my bottom gums are looking freakishly skeletal! there are hollows that i have plaque built up in and it is utterly disgusting! i brush my teeth and floss RELIGIOUSLY, so this bothers me. we havent been able to afford a dentist in a very long time. But i havent had problems except periodic sore spots that heal with careful cleaning.

and for th real TMI... i've been fighting a yeast infection, or at least what i thought was a yeast infection, for like a month. i used a 3 day treatment just before AF cam in dec... which was the 17th. and i just went through another 3 day-er, along with picking up some "yeast balance" pills at the local health food store. this is really interfereing with what little sex life i have. when it comes down to it, i usually dont care and go for it anyway, but this is turning into a huge messy, uncomfortable situation. So last night, after using the meds for the previous 3 nights, i remember to check my CM for the purposes of NFP. WFT i have the nastiest STUFF built up in there! it is creeping me out! i'm really freaking praying that it is just leftover medicine, because otherwise i will have to go see the Dr and i dont know if my plan first insurance covers that! pretty sure it doesnt. bastards. and i still need a full physical so i can do my practicum starting in like 2 weeks. NO WONDER I'M ALWAYS ON THE EDGE OF PANIC! I'm giving it until monday.

and for some not-TMI info. i havent had a chance to work out in like 4 days, my BIL is driving me even more batty than normal, and DH and i managed our extra money very badly this paycheck, and are at rock bottom again. and i'm eating crap. i think i'll have an ice cream sundae to drown my worries.

GOOD NEWS! i got Eclipse from the library, and finished it. less than 24 hrs. now i need breaking dawn.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

my left palm itches like utter MAD! and payday isnt for another week! maybe i should go pick up a lotto ticket....

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

lotto ticket was a bust.

i've been STARVING since last night. not good when i'm trying to watch what i eat. and i know damn well that if i even try to regiment my eating by 1 snack an hour, i'll end up dizzy and nauseus at 10 minutes to. i think its a cyclical blood sugar related thing. and a nursing like a NB almost 1 yr old that will not remove herself from my boob unless forced to. and the metabolism spike when i walk to work probably induces the hunger too.

on the good side, when my mom saw DH last week she thought he looked like he was losing weight. and the lady from across the street today told me i looked like i've lost weight too. maybe i weighed myself at a bad time the other day (i was 176. bad me. pre-preggo i was 168, and i was down to 163 in november before the holidays. i've been trying to exercise more since last week when i weighed myself too.)

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i'm going to kill my husband.

he came home at 3:15 this morning. At that same friends house. he wasnt drinking or anything, but WTF! and get this, he THOUGHT he had permission from me to go! After last time, seriously?!?!?!? he brougt it up, and maybe at 11 i told him he could go for a little bit, but when you leave at 1 am that is ...... STUPID. i have told him how much i hate waking up alone when he takes off and isnt where he's supposed to be. So i woke up at 3 right before he came home, checked the living room, thinking he was asleep in his chair. nope. last time he told me, i didnt even suggest this "i wont go out anywhere unless you are with me. or i have your permission." and i told him at the time, i was NEVER going to give him permission. not sure why he thought it was OK to leave me and the sleeping baby at 1 am to go out. what a ****. so i've been awake since 3, cant get back to sleep, spent plenty of it crying. I just feel so betrayed! if he thought he had permission, and he didnt think that maybe i NEED him at night, then we must be strangers living in the same house. what gets me is that i have communicated rather clearly how i feel about him not being here, especially when Ellie wakes up and i have to deal with her my self as usual, but its like he doesnt even want to be part of our lives.

get this, i wish i could have cuddled at 3 when i woke up. but he wasnt here. at 5 he asks if i want to cuddle..... well, damnit, no i dont now! i cannot continue to live my life when its convenient for him! i cant get my needs met, why should i put any effort into meeting his? the worst part is, i know i will, i might cut him off for a day, but i will get so sick of being mad at him that i'll cave a DTD or whatever just so we can have it all together again! he NEVER makes the effort to make me feel better, and you know what, i never give him cause to be as upset with me as i am with him. never.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

And i put Ellie in her crib at4:30 and she's still asleep in there, we finally get the baby out of the bed for a little while and now 1. i cant sleep and 2. neither of us are actually enjoying it.

i'm going to go do dishes and a load of laundry now... its 6, thats plenty late enough to call it the next day.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

today's topic: MONEY

DH's paycheck was like $200 less than he expected, and $50 less than what i calculated as being the lowest he would get. that sucks. But i did get my work W2's today, so we can file taxes sooner hopefully!

My BIL owes us around $300 for rent etc last month before he moved out, and i dont know if he's going to pay it. i may have to hurt him if he doesnt. plus the extra $50 off of DH's check could have been energy drinks charged to his account... because BIL's work charge card wasnt working at the time.

if he gives us $250 i will have enough for rent in savings. thats good... never occurred to me that our next checks would be completely available for paying bills instead of tied instantly to rent. that would be very good.

so today i went to find Ellie a birthday gift. she's going to be 1, she doesnt know care or notice what i got. i got her a set of very nice blocks that usually cost $60 for half price. there are 3 other sets that add on to this one at that toy store and i want to go back and get them all for her! then i went to salvation army because DH was going to go help a friend get a couch and i wanted to meet him there, but i didnt see him. what i did see was a kitchen table set for $50 that is exactly like the one the family i babyst for had, and i liked it, and a kids table with chairs for 12.50 and a 3t holiday dress for under a dollar. i didnt have any cash, so i left before i could buy things.

and then i got DH's credti card statement in the mail. we desperatly relied on it over x-mas because both our cars broke down among other things... and it went from under $200 to 1700.

induce panic attack NOW!

on top of these worries for the day.... i'm still filling out my paperwork for my practicum, i scheduled my appt for a physical next week, but i cant remember when my WIC appt is, so i just dug through my drawer and cant find the paperwork, quite annoying. i know i'll get a call next week about it.

i need to make copies of my other papers... and i can if i remember to take them to work with me. and i need to leave for work in an hour and if DH isnt home i'm going to castrate him with a rusty spoon. slightly annoyed. I only work for a couple hours so then i'm going to spend the night cleaning with Ellie as much as i can, maybe run up to the store to get the last $3 of produce on my WIC. i wonder if the bananas look good today.

oh, and DH got his secretary of state paperwork, renwal of the registration for both vehicles and his license this year, nearly 200.... and we barely have it to spare. but i already worked it into the budget, we should be ok.l but he wants a passport card instead of a regular ID in case Boyne USA wants him to go work at their resort in canada north of vancouver for the 2010 olympics!

damn... busy day.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i learned a very important lesson today about having too many irons in the fire.

i got up this morning, checked my usual online stuff, worked on my homework for my online class, then started waking Ellie up. Did mor usual stuff, diapers, get Ellie dressed, dress myself, breakfast, and then i made a massive list of everything i needed to accomplish today. i did a few parts in the apartment, then decided to put Ellie in the wrap and do a bunch outside, take the trash out, unload the car full of totes i retreived from my mom's last night, and do a load of laundry. Well, i got outthe door with Ellie, grabbed DH's coat to keep me warm, and i heard the door click. and thought " i wonder if i ever unlocked the door from the outside....." nope. i had just locked myself out of the apartment. so i took the trash out, borrowed a neighbors phone, left 2 messages for people, including the landlord and DH, and proceeded to clean out the explorer, thinking of how else to solve my problem.
a 10 foot ladder might help, i left a windo cracked open. could call my parents to get DH's keys..... and possiblility #3 was hope the babysitter got here early, which he did, and could run to get DH's keys. so he did. i was only locked out for an hour in mild nearly 40 degree weather, with the option to sit on the stairs or in the car or even in the neighbors. Ellie napped the whole time.

we finally get inside, i spy the list and check off what i accomplished, then i bring the stack of stuff i got out of the car in. as i do, a bag on the top, which had clothes and a big plastic jar of spaghetti sauce in it fell and broke... and splattered. the clothes in the bag, the floor, the neighbors door. UGH. so i put it all away, cleaned it all up and now i'm thinking of making a smaller list. I also let the water out of the sink (i was doing dishes when i decided to take the trash out spurring this whole thing...)

and the good news is: at no point did i feel depressed, defeated, stupid, and i didnt get angry or sad or cry or freak out. this is very very very good. i handled a very stressful situation with aplomb... and i'm still looking on the bright side! i'm assuming its just a good day among other things. its nice to handle a crisis without making it worse.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

1. i made a mei tai this morning. well, i worked on it last night and finished it this morning. i have 2 conclusions so far. When using 60" wide fabric, straps of that length are plenty long enough to use on DH or similarly sized large men, because i can wrap it around myself TWICE. and 22" wide, and 22" long body square, (plus a trapezoid head rest babyhawk style) is plenty big enough for Ellie, or possibly an eight year old.

and Ellie already loves it! its so easy for back carries!

2. WFT does STOREWIDE mean to you? i kinda thought that it mean EVERYTHING! i've had 2 customers going.. "is this on sale?" EVERYTHING is 30% off, and some items are 40% off. and customer #2 goes on with her lisping european accent asking if certain items are 30 or 40, despite the fact that i showed her the sign listing what is 40% off... and she read it outloud, and we have 8 signs up around the store... then proceeds to tell me that "thats too much" "this is very expensive" " you need to have 60-70% off to get people in here"

our markup is BARELY 50%... or is that 100... either way, we pay half to the manufacturer, MY employee discount for clothes i have to wear to work is only 40%! WE WILL AND HAVE NEVER EVER had a sale of that magnitude. only when we have items that are several years old that wont sell, and we already know we lost money on, do we clearance them and make up what we can of our loss.

what exatly am i supposed to tell her? there is a store across the street with $500 dresses! and you think $55 for Pj's is too much? when you have them for 5 years before they wear out, it really evens out, plus 40% off of those suckers and its really a good deal. its not like your whining is going to make me mark them down, it just makes me want you out of the store. ugh!

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

resolutions
OMG... i need to put these very solidly in the journal that i dont write in often LOL

1. finish college, keep my GPA up, and dont panic about my practicum!

2. get fit, this is a two pronged approach to weigh less and feel better when i get preggo again, and imporove my less than stellar sex life with DH. also, he needs to get fit too, i have a bribery system of sexual favors worked out, i hope it works. (i wonder if could mention sex more times in one resolution....)

3. Pay dont/pay off debt, with my friend Dave Ramsey. Get DH on board. directly relates to #4

4. don't buy new clothes for myself. i have exceptions, like bras, walking shoes, work shirts,interview clothes if i decide not to be a SAHM or our financial situation prevents it, and probably sox/undies, but i'll see if i can get DH to get them for my for x-mas next year and solve 2 problems at once!

all except #4 need to be done in a big way by May. i want most of the debt gone, like 2/3's of it, and it might work with our tax refund and tuition scholarship refunds. and DH's 75 hr work week from last week....

then AFTER May, i want to

5. discuss with my boss a VERY specific and solid part time schedule, including time off or specific shifts for holidays so i can take Ellie to parades ect that she did not get to go to last year! She'll care more this year. eventually i want to be a SAHM so i want this to work out.

6. get preggo again

(check off number 3)

1 and 4 are doing well, 3 needs a big boost but isnt going in reverse at least, and 5 and 6 are for after may Smile

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i stubbed my toe yesterday and now its still really sore. must be a bad bruise because its not broken. i checked.

my first aid class got out early! i was home at 8:45, it was supposed to run until 9 AND from 9-1 tomorrow. i have HOURS off now! like i'll get anything done, but at least i can spend more time with my punkin. i feel like i'm such a ***** for neglecting her lately. At least i know that spending more quality time with her makes her happier and makes both our lives easier.

Ellies babysitter today did not tell me ANY of his plans to take her out and about in his mom's truck (his lisence is suspended) and i'm kinda pissed. i need to know where my child is! looks like we'll be having a little talk. the last time he was here he took her for a 45 minute walk in her stroller and DH had to go get him from his mom's work. and i'm ok with visiting, its a senior center and they love her, but GEEZ, HE DIDNT TELL ME THEY WERE GOING! I NEED TO KNOW WHERE MY CHILD IS!

i feel like i've been sucked into a vortex of housechores lately, i just cannot get anything done and i'm never happy with the state of the house. i did make some huge progress though, even though i had to do some major bribing of myself with hours of video game play in order to get it done. and my homework hasnt been touched in days.

i walk as much as i can, but i have not worked out in longer than i can remember. i tried yesterday and managed 6 minutes before i sank into a funk that i couldnt get out of.

DH says my sploder is breaking. lovely news. we're looking at some new cars on craigslist, but nobody seems to be able to get back to me.

candycane brownies are really good.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

feeling in adequate today. dont know why. thinking its my fault that Ellie is behind in her milestones. even though i'm sure its not my fault. I'm actuallly on top of most things right now, and feeling like its not good enough, like i should be better, like on top of things is the worst it should get and i should be ahead of the game. it is nothing short of human to not be God and be so far ahead but i'm having a hard time reconsiling that to my life ATM.

and like i said, i'm on top of everything for once, so i dont know why i'm feeling this way.

wondering if i'm a good enough parent or if i should send Ellie to daycare and work so that she can learn zoophonics and baby sign.

thinking i'm slacking because i JUST got my assgnments in under the dealine for my OL class, i'm NOT keeping uup in the practicum, (23 students in a class with a limit of 10 is a problem to me!) and already not living up to my own expectations in math class.

laundry and dishes at a standstill, but not tragic yet.
all the bills paid, present and acounted for!

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

So I've been a little... thats sarcastic... INSANELY stressed out every waking moment of every day.

work- i've been slacking off, and i only work part time, she really works with my schedule, and i've been there for going on 5years so i know what i'm doing. but i've gotten stuck in a rut and lazy, so i'm never going to get a raise, there isnt a whole lot of opportunity for advancement anyway, and i want to be a SAHM when we get working on #2 but can't afford it quite yet.

school- i'm doing my student teaching! how is that NOT stressful! i've got piles of homework from my other classes, and i'm constantly wondering if i'm doing too much or not enough or slacking off while i'm doing the student teaching. My only consolation: i'm usually an a student, so slacking off really only drops me to the C's get degrees category!

Ellie- am i being a good mom? should i take her outside more? keep my house cleaner? buy her something to help developmentally? if she's sick, do i wait it out or go to the Dr? who's watching her while i'm at work? should i get a different job and put her in full time daycare because they're better at it than i am (NO, but i feel that way somtimes!)

DH- am i expecting unreasonable things from him? am i treating him well enough?

Health-why am i gaining weight? dont i have any slef control? put down the cookies!why can't i get off my butt and work out!

house- i'm such a slob, if DHS came in here, they'd take Ellie away! (not really, but sometimes i feel that way!) why can't week keep this organized! why do i keep buying things to fix it when all i do is make it worse!

budget- why doi keep overspending, why dont' we have any savings? why is DH overspending and i still have to balance the rest of the budget without his help? why cant we do better, why can't we agree and work together!

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

which leads me to my story: DH and i decided we needed a date night out for once. cant remember the last time i actually did that. We were half going to pick Ellie up in the middle of the night from my parents, and half going to leave her all night and going to crash on their couch... we ended up making 2 unnecessesary trips but OH WELL, i had a great time.

We headed out to the bar, and when we pulled in, i saw a friend was going in too, and i was glad i had someone to dance with...DH doesnt dance. it was half off drinks, and DH and i get in free because he used to work there as a bouncer, and my BIL (my sister's DH) is the DJ.

i think i had ... i'm not sure anymore. i had 2 snake nuts.. then a shot of jager with DH, then a tequila sunrise then i know i finished another snake nuts. thats 4 drinks and a shot. and i dont remember if i drank 1 more snake nuts and then i only had half of the last one, or if that was my last one.. i think it was the last one...very confusing, i know. between 10 and about 12:30.
I danced a little bit, but not a whole lot... my friend was more interested in getting drunk than dancing, but we were on the floor a little bit.

Then i was tired, DH broke up a fight.. and we decided to go home and get jiggy. by the time i got home... i was in my instand hangover phase. i dont get morning after hangovers, no headache, stomach is fine since i got up, but about an hour after i stop drinking when i start to sober up a little bit, i feel like utter crap. i thought i was going to puke for like an hour. DH and i were naked in bed dozing off and waking up to sip water and nibble cookies because i told him to screw himself when he suggested some plain bread or popcorn to eat to make me feel better. sometimes drunk is nice.

anyway, at 3:15 i woke up and made him get up to go get Ellie because last we told my parents we would get her at 2 when the bar closed. I was too out of it to care. He got back at about 5 with her, still asleep, and i finally put clothes on, sleeping naked is WAYYY underrated.

and this morning i woke up .... to a phone call... but refreshed and feeling like i can conqer the world again instead of like its all out to get me like i have felt for the last several months. no sense of impending doom. the sun is shining and i think i can do it all!

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i just got myself all worked up reaing a bunch of crap.

1. thinking about childbirth. how i want a midwife... thinking about money, another thought on complications and how evil it is that the ACOG and insurance companies dictate how we can or cannot give birth and then refuse to endorse and allow to practice anyone who disagrees...

leading to the healthcare crisis here, that makes me want to shoot lawmakers for thinking that mandating me to pay for insurance is reasonable. Either i'm so broke other people will be paying taxes for me to have it or i make enough money that i'm not allowed to save by paying out of pocket, i'm required to pay them for no good reason when i'm so healthy that i dont need the damn insurance in the first place.

which leads to thinking about mandated healthcare and vaccines. i'm getting so much crap from the Dr's about delaying a few vaccines for Ellie. sooo much crap about it! I'M THE PARENT, I GET TO DECIDE!

and on that note, if moms are not required to breastfeed, which gives more immune protection than vaccines through 6 months old, why are we being forced to vaccineat but not forced to BF?

and on that note, if the excuse is that vaccines are in the best health interest, then why isnt natural, drug free, educated birth required instead of all those could-have-been-avoided and unwanted c-sections due to CRAPPY reasons such as the fact that we have little research on breech births because we refuse to do them, and "the baby is too big" bull when it comes out at 7lbs... 12 is a bit much IMO, but i did fine with a 8.5 lb 13.5 smooshed head LO. if yo udont push enough to get a cone head, the measurements dont compare with an unsmooshed c-section baby's head etc..... ugh.... just getting frustrated!

which is really not good because i'm frustrated with DH because he's been such a flippin dink lately. He's temporarily laid off because his job is seasonal. so he sleeps in til noon, or as late as he can get away with, sits in his chair on is butt all day, complains that his fee/bac/knees/neck/shoulders hurt, but wont even go for a walk, much less work out.... eats CRAP all day, whines that his stomach hurts/has gas/heartburn/is fat... whines that Ellie is being annoying but he doesnt take her outside, read to her, play games, or even feed her well... and when i get home from WORK, whines that he hasnt had time to do his homework for his TWO classes when i dont ahve time to do it for FOUR classes.... and doesnt clean, then steps on stuff or cant find a clean spoon or clean boxers and whines about that, then "isnt tired" because he stayed up til 3 am so he says "can i go to the bar?" and then wonders why he never gets laid.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i'm getting TTC twitchy! want baby... twitch... twitch.... want preggo belly....

2 of the kindergarten teachers, and one of the mom helpers at practicum are preggo, and i just had a preggo customer... i'm going nuts!

and i know if it doesnt work this month, i'm sooo going to break down when AF comes. like bottle of vodka break down.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

short vent- my boss put me in a very awkward position today. She wants me to work all day, when usually i come in at 2 and the other girl works the morning. 2 weeks ago we had a customer complain about the other girl's lack of service, then last weekend she had a commitment so i worked all day. The boss never called her to clarify that she wasnt supposed to come in, so when i got here,she was here opening and i had to go over the schedule with her and show her that she wasnt on, and she's not on next weekend.

i dont blame the boss because she's had a rough week, broke up with her BF of a year, training a new summer employee, new summer stock arriving

but seriously, could have avoided that.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

why does my DH have to be such an a$$? he hasnt gone to sleep with me in like 5 days, takes off for like half of every day... or night... thinks he has the RIGHT to do it, even though he's laid off and i'm working.

i'm just pissed at him. he never cleans anything in the house.... just makes bigger messes, and never helps me clean up. i'm really frustrated with him. and then he gets mad if i'm too pissed to say "i love you" as he's leaving me with the baby to go out for the night.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i'm pretty damn miserable right now.

i'm blaming most of it on DH. he still keeps taking off on me every night. if he stays home 2 nights ina row he thinks he deserves a medal, and if he spends 15 minutes cleaning one day he thinks he's off for the week. i get more PO'd at him every day. We've talked about it so many times... i just keep bringing it back up so he doesnt forget and think that i'm ok with all this.

not helping- Ellie's schedule is really messed up. one night she wakes up in the middle of the night and we've been screwed since. Her naps are haywire.... i dont know what to do anymore. i've been trying to listen to her cues and go with what she needs, but its not working. She never gets up at the same time (maybe 2 days in a row, then she's up in the middle of the night and we let her sleep in because we are sleeping in and its over again.) never takes naps at the same time, fr the same amount of time, or even the same number of naps. so by bedtime the whole day has been a crapshoot. She's grouchy... i'm grouchy.... i guess my only thought is to write down a schedule and stick to it like cement for 2 weeks. i only work a coupel days a week. but DH wont do it the days i do work. maybe then we can work on it. she's still rarely if ever sleeping in her own bed.

i was so proud of myself, last night i worked for 2 hours to get her to sleep in her own bed.... after that i was really tired, and i felt i had tried, so i let her get in bed with me. she woke up 2 hrs later and was awake with DH for 2 hrs who proceeded to wake me up to try to get me to put her back to sleep. dude, you went to karaoke and i already did this once.... not my problem.

and on top of the rest of this, i rented valentine's day to watch with Ellie because i hate it when DH bashes my movies..... and he came home as it was ending, i was watching the bloopers and laughing and he says " must be time for you to go to bed" (that wasnt the exact words.... it was with a really condescending tone.... made me feel stupid for liking the moving and being entertained) he thought i was so tired i was slap-happy. maybe he just hasnt seen me happy at all in so long that he cant remember what its like. i broke down and cried i was so upset wit hhim right there. i just dont understand where he gets off treating me like that. cant i just flippin laugh at a movie without his bull?

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i've had a long... um... night/day... already.

DH went to the blackjack tournament at the casino (free) last night. i figured he'd be back late-ish... he said it ended at 9.... and i knew he wouldnt be home on time. i didnt figure 1 am though.

so, i wound Ellie down gradually all night... and after like 45 minutes of rocking her, got her to sleep in her own bed at about midnight. Not feeling like sleeping, and mad at DH, i decided to work on my puzzle on the table...... i went through many... many.. many emotions, decisions and whatnot while i was sitting there until he got home at 1 am.

i thought about leaving. taking Ellie and going, but DH is my best friend and when he's a dink i dont have anyone to complain to about him because it hurts my feelings when my family bashes him because he's making bad choices. so i sat and though. if he does this again, i'm moving into Ellies room. i am not getting what i need out of our relationship, and i refuse to be treated like this anymore. i fell like his secretary... good enough when somehting fun is going on, but not sharing the rough or boring parts of our lives together.

when he got home he sat inhis chair just a few feet away from me... and talked to himself. because he was saying random things trying to start a conversation and i wasnt answering him. he started asking me random questions, and almost every single one i told him "i thought we talked about this already" because we DID. i had specific conversations with him about these things... wheather i work today, what other movie did i rent.... blah...blah...blah.

so this morning... i woke up. AND ELLIE IS STILL IN HER BED! not worried about jinxing it because i'm damn sure she wont STTN again for a year anyway! it was great, i felt so refreshed on 5 strahigh hours of sleep! but she woke up a little later and i laid down to nurse her and we went back to sleep together for 2 hrs anyway Smile

i had breakfast with Ellie then went to wake DH up so he could help me clean before his tournament today and he says "I'M TIRED" he doesnt work out.... he went to bed the same time as me, and i gave him an extra hour of sleep. and he knows if he doesnt play nice and help around the house i will be extra pissed that he leaves and doesnt spend time with me.

so i got dressed. i woke him up, handed him a clean, dry, dressed and ready to go Ellie and told him i was going for a walk. and i left. I walked up to the college and took the nature trail. it was beautiful today. i dont think God is in a building or a book, but he sure as hell lives in those woods, everywhere. had a little "prayer" session and a few minutes later i saw a white moth flutter across the trail through the beams of sunshine, and i knew it was all going to work out.

i prayed for help and guidance getting fit, i prayed for another baby, i prayed for direction with our finances, and i prayed for help not getting stressed out about cleaning the house all the time. and i felt so at peace when i left, it was beautiful. i hope this feeling can last, and i can find solutions to my issues with DH today that are fair, and dont involve freaking out.

the good news, all that gut wrenching emotion i went through last night has inspired a story in my mind, lets see if i can write it Smile

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

So DH and i were getting along for almost a week. yeah, i knew it was too good to be true.

1. i'm sick of freeloaders in my house. my BIL, his friend R, who has been freeloading off us a couple months at a time for years, and their other friend Cards. dont ask how he got that one. I warned cards that he needed my permission to stay, and i'm telling R today that he's out. unless he can cough up 150 for rent.... today. BIL is currently $100 short for may and June is due the 15th, another 200 (thats for his car insurance too)

2. Dh's friend Joe is back from a military stint. DH has always encouraged me to be friendly with him, they are friends from way back when. He has seen me TWICE IN MY LIFE. once 3 yrs ago we went to dinner with him, and 2 years ago when i was preggo with Ellie. about 6 times in between he's been home on leave but hasnt bothered to come see us and half of those times we drove to see him, after telling him we were going to see him, and he left for another part of the state in the 45 minutes it took to get there.

so we went to see him the other day at his grandmas. and he was there. now i do have to admit that i do flirt with him on the phone and ***** about DH, but this guy is no better. he likes to think he is, but he's not. first thing he does is put a big huge flippin dip i his mouth. ugh... i think i'll throw up now. i know DH does it but i told him point blank that i NEVER want to see him do it. in fact, several times a day he goes outside (just like his brother having a cigarette) and sits out there until he's done. what's worse is that he only brushes his teeth like once every other day.

ot there... so Joe.... well, i was teasing DH and was trying to get him to wrestle with me but he wouldnt so Joe did. And i did hold my own against him pretty well for military trained. but i lost, i was pinned, and he asked for a kiss as forfiet and i said fine... and puckered up like a little kid would. and he tried to get me wit tongue? does DH care? NOPE.

we're supposed to go out with Joe tonight, but i don't even want to see him because he's so flippin slimy. ugh.

i know i can't just go and enjoy myself. my options are... go and be a PITA, go and be a barbie doll and be numb all night. that will work until i get tired and start ripping off heads. or i could see if i can find a friend to do something else with. or DH and i could go out and not drive to pick Joe up. But i'm mad at DH anyway and i dont really want to go out with him.

so DH. IDK what his problem is. we got along for like a week because he watches Ellie while i work, (amazing... i never made a big deal... she's our child, thats what parenting is...) and has started cleaning A LOT to earn his nights out. then he stopped. and kept going out. and he lies to me all the time, not like "i didnt cheat on you" but more like "i promise i'll put the dishes away when i get home" "i'll follow that schedule you wrote out for Ellie" and cant keep track of any of our stuff or money or anything...doesnt keep those promises he makes... ... doesnt consider me AT ALL in anything he does... and i feel sooo torn up and half numb and half fried of this all.

i'm either going to throw up... or pass out... or scream.

because he goes out every night... he doesnt get up with me. ever. i guess he asks me if he can do go things ( in my sleep) and thinks thats valid, but if i ask him things in the morning when he's asleep.... it doesnt count.

he doesnt listen to me, doesnt hear me, doesnt pay attention to me.

and me...
i have issues that dont involve him... as much.

i have gained A LOT of weight, which does not make me happy. i've been TRYING to lose it, exercise, eat better. but the reason i gained was because i binge on cookie dough when i'm upset with him, and i've been upset A LOT.

compounded by the fact that i dont have any clothes that fit to workout in. the livingroom has 3 freeloaders so i cant do a video at home. DH wont watch Ellie (or he will but its a big production, and i feel bad enough that i leave her to go to work) so i either have to deal with him or take her with me. thats ok, but i can only walk her to the park so many times a day... really. and i dont break a sweat walking so its not like its burning a lot of calories.

We barely make enough money to make ends meet. i do all the finances. DH just doesnt pay attention. i make sure we save rent, i pay the insurance, i pay the bills. and he just keeps buying whatever he wants on his credit card when he runs out of cash. i have to do without milk, toilet cleaner, and whatever i want because i won't use the credit card again. i already paid all mine off, it was hard work, i didnt intend to have to do it again.

i feel like DH only wants to spend time with me when life is easy and fun. when its hard, when its work, when it sucks.... he just leaves and goes out for the night. He leaves me alone with Ellie and all of our problems and runs away.

i'm so sick of feeling like i'm supporting an extra person who ignores me. so sick of it. and i can't even indulge in my depression for 5 minutes because i feel like a bad parent and i have to suck it up and take Ellie to the park.

DH has been complaining about the rocking chair squeaking for weeks. just like the last 3 times it was squeaky, i went and got the WD-40 myself and fixed it. DH complains that he cant vacuum because the hose is cogged again. because he sucked up a lottery ticket. so during Ellie's nap i took it apart and fixed it. DH complains that his chef jacket for work is stained so i spend 2 days soaking scrubbing it in the bathtub by hand, washing it and hangint it to dry. he can't even remember to get it out of his truck so i can wash it most of the time.

however, when Ellie breaks the dowels in my drying rack and i can't hang the clothes to dry because of it, and i need help, DH is sleeping because he stayed out all night. i spend 2 hours trying every glue in the house and then finally tape it together. Even though i asked forhis help and tried to wake him up, he still has not clue that i fixed it myself with masking tape.

when i was 7 months pregnant our truck was breaking down and my dad wanted to help fix it but he needed the bed of the truck cleaned out. why was it full of trash in the first place? you'll have to ask DH. so i CHIPPED ICE OUT OF IT, BY MY SELF, BETWEEN COLLEGE CLASSES AND WORK, so that my dad could fix it for free.

the night Ellie was born, DH went out for a drink. even though it was his only night and day off, he couldnt even stay with his baby who was all of 6 hrs old.

i've always said i'd kill him, but never leave him. so i suppose i should start sharpening my knives or something. Right now, unless something clicks for him TODAY, by the time i get home in 3 hours, i'm going to be sleeping on the floor in Ellie's room. he makes me sick treating me this bad and i don't deserve it. its demeaning to me, and i'm sick of feeling so used. Luckily my parents love me very much and live 20 miles away, my sister is the same, so if i need a few days off they would be happy to let me stay there for a vacation.

besides the fact that its excessively difficult to kick him out... MAKE him leave, i want him to wallow in his own mess and misery for a while. maybe he'll figure out all that i do for him and appreciate it.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

Copied and pasted from previous posts

resolutions

1. finish college, keep my GPA up, and dont panic about my practicum!

CHECK!

2. get fit, this is a two pronged approach to weigh less and feel better when i get preggo again, and imporove my less than stellar sex life with DH. also, he needs to get fit too, i have a bribery system of sexual favors worked out, i hope it works. (i wonder if could mention sex more times in one resolution....)

NOPE!

3. Pay dont/pay off debt, with my friend Dave Ramsey. Get DH on board. directly relates to #4

Half check.. had it paid off in march, then racked up 3 grand again. ugh.

4. don't buy new clothes for myself. i have exceptions, like bras, walking shoes, work shirts,interview clothes if i decide not to be a SAHM or our financial situation prevents it, and probably sox/undies, but i'll see if i can get DH to get them for my for x-mas next year and solve 2 problems at once!

Nope, been spending extra lately, my big butt wont fit into my pants so i bought new ones.

all except #4 need to be done in a big way by May. i want most of the debt gone, like 2/3's of it, and it might work with our tax refund and tuition scholarship refunds. and DH's 75 hr work week from last week....

then AFTER May, i want to

5. discuss with my boss a VERY specific and solid part time schedule, including time off or specific shifts for holidays so i can take Ellie to parades ect that she did not get to go to last year! She'll care more this year. eventually i want to be a SAHM so i want this to work out.

DH and i discussed this and he wants me to work MORE. thinks i need to bring home more bacon, i think he needs to quit blowing his half of the bacon, but i'll try it, he'll have to try it my way eventually!

6. get preggo again

CHECK!

Smile

Got a BFP today :):):) still in shock. hoping it sticks, want to be prepared either way, so i'll go later this week to the pregnancy resource center and get proof of pregnancy, call WIC after that or early next week, get DH to pick up an application for state aid (since he's still laid off, just until he starts getting a paycheck again) and call the OB sometime next week. Yippee Smile

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

DH took DD to the mud runs today- despite our lack of funds, we figured it out, kind of, and i appreciate that he didnt leave me here to be a single parent like usual.

so i'm watching dirty dancing, and wondering when i stopped LIKING my DH. i love him dearly, but its hard for me to like him when i'm always mad about something or stressed out about something, its kind of rough.

and when did i become such a nagging *****? really... i always knew i'd turn into my mother, but i thought that was an EVENTUALLY thing, and there are things my mother is always right about, so i thought it would be OK. but its NOT.

i dont think i like me either.

i've never been one to let my pride take the backseat, and i'm pretty sensetive, so its hard for me to not take things personally, even when i know they aren't. so things like when DH forgets to bring in his work clothes and i have to do them in a ruch, i feel like he's being inconsiderate, when he's just being his normal forgetful self. He's not trying to do things to hurt me, but the man i married was never mindful of the effects of his decisions on other people, and he hasnt changed, so why do i get mad about it?

(No honey, shut up- i'm having a moment of clarity, dont ruin it)

but at least today i think both of us made an effort to bridge that gap. sounds silly, but when he got money off the debit card, he called me and told me how much so i could balance the check book, and then he asked how much gas he should get for my car. i said i dont care- and he said "where do you need to go this week?" and this tiny little sentence means way more than it should. 1. he was thinking of my needs, anticipating. 2. he intends to leave me my car 3. he decided one gas purchase was better than lots of small purchases later this week. i've been in awe since then. now i feel like i should make him dinner or something nice in return.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

had a strange night.... and yesterday too....

IDK WTF was up with people yesterday but it seems like we were not speaking the same language. i felt like the call center operator in India i said the words, but they didn't know what i meant.... accent incompatability.....

some lady calls, another store toldher to call us, looking for a certain shirt. she describes is pretty badly, but i figured out what it was. I told her, sorry, but we do not have that size, we are sold out, and will not be getting any more. she goes on a rant about if its SOOO popular, why dont we order more. well, because the manufacturer stopped producing this this shirt, and the entire fall line, over a month ago. i can't get any more. and nobody but YOU lady has asked for that size!

similar things go on all day. they want a certain shirt, in a different size. we do not have that size. we have 17 shirts on the rack with that ONE that we have ALL the sizes, but you want the ONE that is out!

so after work, i made spaghetti, made a pretty big mess, and as i'm serving DD, a friend calls and asks if Ellie can come play for a little bit, they'll pick her up in 20 minutes. 5 minutes later with Ellie covered in spaghetti and only half full, they show up to get her. quick clothes change and out the door.....

well, now its friday, DH is home and DD is gone, and tomorrow is sweetests day, so we decide to do a little shopping that involved an adult store out of town. came home with our purchases and had some very nice adult time Smile then they brought Ellie home. Now DH wants to go out to country night since its friday. well, maybe he should have stayed home another night is my thought, but whatever. he leaves. DD finally goes to sleep like 5 minutes before i was going to call DH and make him come home.

he was home with her all day, and let her nap at the wrong times. his fault! then at about 2 DH still isnt home, and DD wakes up, needs me to cuddle her back to sleep. I barely doze off, DH comes home, with a friend he hasnt seen in a while. like i care, whatever, i love you too cody!.... anyway, suddenly its 4 am, i've dozed a little and DH is making A LOT of noise. TV is cranked up, i can hear him clanking silverware against dishes, WTF. DD wakes up. i can't get her back to sleep.

i whistle for DH to tell him to quiet down. he doesnt really. so 10 minutes later, i get up, now i'm too hungry to go back to sleep. DD is awake, and i send her to harass DH. HE'S THE IDIOT THAT DIDNT GO TO BED, AND HE WOKE US UP! i had cereal and went back to bed. DD kept him up for quite a while. i managed to sleep., at 7:30 just before my alarm went off, i woke up to pee and i heard DD making noise, went and got her from DH in the living room. DH says "could you take her for a little while?" and i told him what time it was. DD and i crawled back into bed for cuddle time and slept in an hour. it was a rough nite, gimme a break. then we got up and ran to wal-mart because i didnt have any food to take to work. got donuts for breakfast, and i drove to work because i didnt have enough time t walk.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i just came face to face with the enemy. i'm vaguely nauseus and itchy all over after just LOOKING at the damn thing.

because my enemy is a BEDBUG. omg... my skin is crawling....

don't know why i feel this way NOW, we've been fighting them for 6 months. the first few i don't think we were sure, but somewhere around fall i knew that i was going to bed fine and waking up itchier, and it wasnt mosquitos from spending time outside or them sneaking through holes in the screen. DH wasnt getting bitten at first so he didnt believe me.

now that his manhide looks like my arms- which he claims looks like he beats me, ha ha ha.... he believes me! and after MONTHS we are FINALLY seeing signs of the damn suckers.

Now we are finding their 1-2-3 breakfast-lunch-dinner bite patterns, but we are NOT finding traces of blood or blood colored bug residue anywhere like the websites say we would. i never caught any with sticky side out tape.

I saw one for the first time just over 2 weeks ago, picked up a book after midnight in a bout of insomnia and it was crawling over the cover. #2 we saw when we moved the bed to try mom's remedy, borax. #3 was crawling through the borax a week later when i vacuumed it up. #4 we found while assembling our new bedframe to put our vinyl encased mattress on to keep them from transferring bed to carpet. #5 i just found when i thought i'd lay down in bed to read for a few minutes. AND IT WAS HUGE. the rest must have been nymphs, mostly clear bodies with blood filled tummies, this one is brown all over. i'm beginning to think we've had a very small breeding population here the whole time and they Finally just got out the big guns or something.

so i stripped the whole bed. i'm about to sprinkle D. earth between the mattress and box spring, then at the base of each leg of the bedframe. and put all the pillows in the dryer AGAIN. i'm beginning to think that these suckers don't actually die in the dryer like everything says they do. i'll try the cleanest pillows on the bed again and space bag a spare set so if they are in those pillows they will suffocate.

i flippin HATE bedbugs!

DH got scabies when i was pregnant with DD. i'm so totally sick of parasites eating us alive! in comparison lice are actually pretty damn easy to get rid of (knock on wood)

and they make me feel so dirty!

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

*i know i tried to post a vent here a couple weeks ago, but it got deleted damn site... damn computer... something*

Ok, i got a little stressed out this morning. got up at 7, still tired and wished i could sleep some more for once, usually im giving up on sleep by this point and get up anyway. Needed a shower so i could look cute- new girl at work is a girl i graduated with so i didnt want to be all nasty looking... or even sloppy.

DH needed his work pants washed. why? not because they were really dirty from work, but because he ate my leftover nachos and left the queso dip on the floor so either her or DD knocked it over all over his pants and he was going to wipe it off and go to work! eeewww! so i showered while the laundry was washing. got dressed, tossed the stuff into the dryer and tried to go shopping. DD woek up. had breakfast and got her dressed,t hen went shopping (milk, bread, eggs, butter, seriously was not going to make it through the day without this stuff)

get to the car- DD's carseat is not installed- its in the house. spare carseat is installed but that door mechanism is broke because of the cold so i have to lean across the entire car to get her into the spare carseat, hurts my belly... OOOOWWWWW..... get her out at the store, put her back in, take 2 trips from car up stairs to get it into the apartment... then to the basement to get the laundry, then i had to get dressed and get ready for work...

babysitter was NOT showing up yet.... DH wouldnt wake up to take me to work and i didnt have time to walk, so my BIL drove me to work in my car then took it home.

work was a vast improvement over the rest of the morning.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

Been a while since i posted, hopefully this doesnt get deleted before i can finish it.

Yay, baby! Bubba is just about the easiest baby ever. sleeps well, eats well, no real vices, but plenty of things that aren't quite perfect. like he's getting fat fast. very fast. and he will eat formula so i'm afraid if we supplement while i'm working he'll get fatter faster and the Dr will think its a problem and tell me to feed him a certain way and i'll want to tell them to f-off..... Dude.... thats SO not why i'm here typing.

So DH has a panic attack today. he just randomly comes out of the shower in a big rush saying he's dizzy and thinks he's gonna puke and his heart is beating really hard. Well, i feel his pulse and it feels like mine did ths summer every other night for 2 weeks (while he was at the bar every time, again not drinking, just socializing) so thats what must have happened to me.

goes on for 20 minutes. finally while i'm trying to nurse DD back to sleep he comes in says he's not ok, then jumps into the bathroom and pukes. he's tall... i guess he can't bend over and puke in the toilet, so he kinda misses and makes a mess. most of it is still there because he thought that wiping it up witha towel was good enough... left the towel on the floor and noodles.

then makes me sit next to him and calm him down and pet him, and rub him (dd still running around) and wont listen to a single one of my suggestions to make him feel better. despite the fact that the last 8 times i suggested something it takes him months to try it and it instantly works and he lets me pull the told you so card.

finally he starts snoring and i know he's asleep.

and i feel bad that i resented him the whole time. he never takes care of me like that. never. ok, maybe when i was in labor, but i take care of him on a daily basis and i'm kinda getting twisted about taking care of him when he won't do **** for me, even the day i came home from the hospital he didnt do **** and its one thing if we both are on our own most of the time but i'm SOOO sick of being one parent with three babies, one is just REALLY BIG.

which is why i havent killed my brother in law. he might not take care of himself, but i dont take care of him either and i usually feel like we break even when i make him do stuff too... make him watch the kids, make him take the trash out... fair for when i feed him and do his dishes and let him sleep in DD's bed and i wash the sheets after he sleeps on them and gets motor oil and antifreeze all over them.....

but i'm still mad at myself for resenting DH when he's not doing well, could die if this is a heart attack instead of a panic attack.... and that makes me feel selfish. but is it really selfish to do what you need to stay sane and survive?

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

DH, I don't ever want to say "i told you so" again. never. i want you to make good decisions so i don't have to pull that card.

So when you get off work early, but don't want to have to take care of the kids, you need to PRETEND you're not done for the day by falling asleep in your chair and making my mom wake you up so you don't go bac to work "late" when you're actually done for the day. LIE BETTER. i know you can do it! or better yet, choose to be honest and you won't have to cover anything up, and maybe you can walk around with a clear conscience for once without Karma nipping at your heels and biting you on the a$$!

and please consider your family, and don't tell me that the kids were all my idea or anything unless you never want to get laid again, before you think you want to buy a motorcycle (which is a dangerous toy) that costs more than five times more than the car your kids are driven around in or while your wife spends hours every week carefully budgeting money to pay off your credit card DUMBA$$!

changing topic-
last fall when i was VERY frustrated with DH i spent some time metally mulling over what it would be like to not be with DH for a while. it occurred to me that i would do things every differently in some cases because so much of my reactions feeds off his reactions and maybe we're just both reacting badly when we need to re-train ourselves to act differently. But i also don't think i'm reacting unreasonably to his choices. i don't jump up straight away and say "buying a motorcycle is f-ing stupid you ******" no, i calmly explain to him that there are risks to buying one- if he gets injurred without health insurance, what if he needs to go somewhere in the rain, what if we can't make a payment,... etc... and when he says "So what?" i say "it would ruin our credit and i worked very hard for that" (he gained my credit score when we got married, he had no credit on his own) and he says "so what?" WTF- i just said I WORKED REALLY HARD FOR THAT ARE YOU F-ING DEAF.... see... i started out reasonable, then he was a dork, then i got defensive, then he was a total jackwagon, and i flipped. I TRIED TO BE REASONABLE. I ALWAYS START OUT REASONABLE. and he always turns into a jackwagon. no wonder we get nowhere.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

DH lost his good job today Sad but due to the nature of the job combined with a few more factors, clues, we kinda knew it was happening. and we're not panicking. he's ticked, but not pissed and i'm counting pennies for the rest of the month, but hey, we should do that anyway!

and now he has the rest of the week off LOL! i'm sad because he liked this job pretty well and it helped him lose a bunch of weight, so IKD if he'll be able to hold onto his health and new pants with this change back to his old way of life.

I'm getting a littel frustrated with the house though, i can't keep up with it as is, there are lots of things going on that make it more cluttered than needed, recycling didnt go out due to storm, bunch of clutter ready to donate sitting in space we need, bunch of stuff needs to get sent to my mom's for storage.... then maybe we'll be able to find our carpet again.

hopefully we can catch up tomorrow! i want to make bread before this weekend!

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

undersupply problem corrected. still not getting any more milk on days that i work and pump even though i miss feedings with Bubbs, but when i have about 10oz a day extra IT DOESNT MATTER. so i found a mom in Gaylord on Eats on Feets and will hopefully be feeding Ben my extra Smile just might be more gratifying to feed and watch a baby grow than a blind donation to a milk bank.

ok, the real reason i'm here
Fitness goals for POBLC
Food-
3 veggies and 2 fruits a day
very few white carbs, including cereal
minimize emotional eating binges

Exercise
AM workout 5-6 days a week, and yoga/stretching/flexibility
PLUS walk to work as much as possible
take kids on at least 1 long walk a week- park, trail, whatever
take 1 long walk a week ALONE
jog/run 30 min once a
find and try a zumba class at least once

find 15 quiet minutes to light candle and meditate
try to DTD 2x a week

vacuum and do dishes nightly to set up for morning. set clothes out for all of us.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

next life goals- acheived almost all of the ones i wanted to do before #2 and i need a new goal to focus on. this also assumes at some point i'll want #3 and DH will continue to be a jerk and think that i need to get back on the pill so that he doesnt have to use a condom anymore.

1. pay off Dh's credit card and any other ones we rack up. no credit cards. got it?

2. find new living situation- housewise. new house. preferably buy house.

3. fix MPV. buy newer vehicle for DH. discuss nice treatment of vehicles. repeatedly. make list of good behavior requirements to get new vehicle.

4. get off state assistance (with exception of health insurance)

5. write a book. either write and SELL one, or write 3, preferably on 50k one 80k and one 100k

6. lose weight, get fit- 145lbs by around v-day 2012

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

had a random thought the other day-

i wonder if i chose DH because i knew i'd always be "better" than him. better at school, better at handling responsibility, better parent (not saying i am, saying i thought i would be) so that i dont have to work hard at things. this stemmed from thinking i missed college because i liked the work and the challenge. i was good at it, but i still had to DO things, and i really missed the "me" time!

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i'm not one to ignore a sign. i try to be observant enough to understand when higher powers are giving me a message.

so recently i've watched a Sister Wives marathon, and a 19 kids and counting marathon and i thought a while back that we should become catholics mostly for an excuse to have a bunch of kids, and daily as i walk to work i think we should go to a church.

strange for a pagan.

so today as i've been wondering where we will find the resources to possibly move and possilby buy a house after our landlord talked to me outside and told me that he's going to have to raise our rent, someone knocked on the door. they were missionaries- Mormons- out spreading the word of God as they see it. and then the offered me a free book of Mormon. shoot me now for saying that i'd read any book that someone handed to me- i won't go hunting for a book, but i'll ready anything you hand to me.

they are coming tomorrow at 4.

and then i saw a Mormon banner ad at the top of the page.

i'm not one to ignore a sign.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

x-posted from anything topic board

I'm going crazy trying to keep this all inside and i think you ladies are going to be great support here, so if you don't want to hear about my cheating husband, the twit he slept with, her supposed miscarraige of his baby, and my issues regarding the whole thing, stop here. its ok. this is NOT pretty. its horrible. just let it go to the bottom of the page and into oblivion.

Here goes-
this summer, hubby had a crappy "on call" job and i had to pick up full time (while nursing a 5 month old, and 2.5 yr old) at work to compensate. he's always been crappy with money and horrible at chores but i loved him so, and he is a good guy, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. This girl he grew up with- she's 18, we're both 25- had a nanny job near our apartment and had spare time so when she wasnt working she'd come watch our kids and hang out because she hated living there.

Well, at some point she decided to take it on herself to never give my hubby a moment of peace, and he always thought of her as a little sister so he put up with it. and he's still all blurry on what happened, he claims he cant figure out or remember why stuff happened, but for sure me and him were having a hard time between us with my work schedule and his lack of income, and he slept with her.

it went on for two months culminating in a VERY messy expolsion the last week of september. The first week of september she moved in with us because she quit her nanny job that she hated and was willing to babysit our kids in exchange for phone cards and room and board. we had 2 bedrooms,. she slept on the couch.

Hubby had a cash job bouncing at a bar 30 minutes away 1 night a week and that was one of the times theyd hook up- to and from that job. Otherwise it was usually while i was at work and he was home... .with her.

he says he wanted it to stop shortly after it started but he couldnt figure out how to stop it and tell me and everything so he just let it continue.

Anyway, she's NOW claiming she was pregnant with and miscarried his child. She claims she got a positive test the first weekend of august. the only thing he's certain of is that he didnt start sleepign with her until at least the 28th of july. So.. um... NOT HIS. right? (she will probably claim that it happened sooner or that she hadnt slept with anyone else for weeks before that. i'm pretty sure her other ex will corroborate that she DID sleep with him)

second, i saw her take birthcontrol pills for 2 months, not daily, but i saw frequently, i saw her drink LOTS on several occasions, and we even had discussions about her future children and the importance of prenatal care etc, and she NEVER hd the chance to go for care anywhere, i'm sure of that. she only decided to have alone time out of the house after business hours.

she claims she miscarried on november 27th. thats like... 18 weeks. thats like giving birth. her facebook status says she "periced her nose" that day among other things, and she was at work the next several days and went on vacation to a cabin with no running water 5 days later. no f-ing way, right? she would not have done that without going to the hospital, and they would have told her to take a couple days off work, and she'd be uncomfortable enough recovering to not want to be without heat or running water to go camping that soon.

so please tell me that what she said is not freaking possible and she's a crappy liar. her dates and stuff just do NOT make sense!

this whole thing drives me crazy because i've spent my whole life staying away from this kind of psycho drama, and its really hard for me to figure out what the correct response is to this situation! most people tell me to ignore her and quit talking to her because she's lying and just trying to get attention. we have moved and changed all our phone numbers to get away from this (and the bad karma where we were) and my husband has refused to talk to her since about a week after it all happened, except for a few random messages, which he has stopped responding to. Unfortunatly my MOTHER IN LAW, who i now hate more than ever, TALKS TO HER, and she works in town and has started telling our aquantances what i consider a bunch of lies. luckily they all know she's a psycho.

i've been going to counseling, but i donn't feel like its resolving anything relationship wise, the counselor is way more interested in breaking the cycle of poverty she perceives us in. and i'm mad at my husband- for even getting us in this mess, which makes it hard to figure out if we should work on our relationship or call it quits.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

I just read over this whole thing from the beginning- since i started it.

I wonder why i put up with all that from him. i guess something in my head has finally changed since we got into that whole mess this fall. I really want to go back and get physically violent with him ON A REGULAR BASIS, for what he put me though. i didn't deserve that.

How can i tell if he's really growing up and changing for the better? Today Jane told me that Bill actually told her 9:30 to be there, which was half hour before i needed to work, i guess i thought he already knew to do that, but if its the first time she's noticed it, then i guess maybe it is a change. she asked "when did he grow up?"

Sometimes i feel like people think i'm weak for staying with him so long. I can see how they'd think that. but do they know how much strength it takes to hold on? Its not just the staying together part that takes strength, its the part where you don't go crazy, you keep moving forward, keep living, keep progressing without letting yourself take up drinking to deal with it, thats where the strength lies. I'm not weak. if anybody learns anything from this, it is that i'm not weak.

Looking back, i guess i can see now that Bubba was more important to me than a successful life partner. i NEEDED another baby. and i couldnt see anything past him. I felt so complete, so right, when Bubba was born. With Ellie there was this huge buildup of love that i already had for her that just came out, with Bubba it was like he was the missing peice of a puzzle that just popped into place and made me whole for the first time.

What has changed for me lately .... a couple things. my house is kinda clean. pretty clean. yeah it gets messy, but i'm keeping on top of things better, much better in fact. sure there are little messes, but there's always clean laundry, clean dishes, clean counter space (not always a lot of space) enough food and cleaning supplies. things we used to run out of a lot. like its hard to take the trash out without garbage bags- hard to do laundry without detergent, hard to wash dishes without dishsoap.

and the change comes all from me. all me. i've put certain cleaning things higher on my priority list, but i also don't get all freaking out about them, not sure how that makes sense.

i would like to attribute some of the changes to having the right THINGS for once- the right apartment, dishwasher and washer/dryer makes a huge difference for me, a couch that i don't want dirty, table and chairs, rug under the table, crib and Ellie's bed both set up correctly, and enough dressers for all our stuff. closets to put away totes full of stuff. A playground right there for Ellie to play, and my own car to run errands as i need to instead of sharing begging, and flipping out when the Mazda malfunctioned or Bill trashed it so bad i couldnt get stuff in and out as needed.

Right now we only have one credit card bill.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

This is a story i've told many times, and it rips my heart out every single time. and it will make the last 2 posts make sense. its not pretty.

Once upon a time Bill my husband lost his job that he had just gotten at a nice local plumbing supply store where he was a delivery guy and worked 8-5 just a quarter mile from home, with potential overtime and benefits, and luch where he came home to spend with us.

He fell into a nasty depression. He always fell into it when he got laid off and became useless. He forgot that useless by working doesnt mean useless to me. he became the guy in all those other posts who slept in and stayed out late and didnt' do chores and made bad choices.

Finally he got a job with a tow truck company. it was supposed to be part time for just a couple weeks, then they'd train him on the big truck and he'd be on call 2 days on 2 days off. instead they never trained him, and instead decided to just run him ON CALL 24/7 for 3 months. little stress? despite being on call- he was lucky to pull in 20 hours a week, usually closer to oh... SIX. yes. we couldnt go swimming, go shopping, go to my parents house.... go to the movies... unless he called and told them he'd be unavaiable for a few hours. and that looks bad and makes them not like you. just to get a break. And we HAD to have a babysitter every time i went to work, which was full time now that he wasnt making much money, so that in case he got a call he could go. sometimes i drove the kids 25 miles to a friends house so that he could sit at home alone all day without any work.

that job sucked.

But this friend of his, Jessi, who he grew up with, had a nanny job just a few blocks away, and she started hanging out with us a lot because she hated being there when she wasnt "working" and she watched the kids a lot for us. it was a godsend a lot of the time! finally, i could go to work and someone would take care of the kids!

But it wasn't perfect. He was still wigging out about this damn job, picked up a bouncing job at a bar in the next town on thursdays, and she was 18 (7 yrs younger) and could go since it was college night, so she went with him all the time. She went swimming with us too, which actually kinda sucked for me. She'd go straight into the water, and so would he, and i'd be stuck on shore with the kids, for some reason i always thought my turn would come.... but it never really did. the last time we went swimming, i never even got to take my dress off..... i never got wet... i waded in the water, carried 2 kids, 2 bags and towels for all of us... never got in the water.....

He started waiting until i went to work and then making other arrangements- getting a different sitter so he could go mudding... with her.... or so he could go to the fair... with her... he blew a bunch of money doing that. went to all sorts of summer events that i couldnt go to .... because i had to work. and he started losing calls because of it. his job didnt like him much. and then they didnt like him at all. i still remember when he came home and played a message from his boss that said "it doesnt sound like you really have any interest in working if you can't answer calls" and i belived his bull about how he had bad reception etc.

The beginning of september she moved in with us. I said no, it was a bad idea. i guess he wore me down. He picked up a full time stint at a place he used to work at for the month, worked almost full time. She watched the kids when i was at work. she hung out with me a lot when he was at work. Problem i guess was that i worked weekends and he had them off, and when he was home in the evenings she often talked him in to running errands with her.... had to go to her grandmas to pick up x... go there to work on his truck....

his friends started asking me... and his brother... if there was something going on between those 2. i found out later that my sisters in-laws saw him with her so much and not me that they thought we had split up early in the summer. my brother in law flipped out one night and txted her a bunch of mean things because he thought something was going on. HER FATHER had a talk with him about it and made him apologize. One time when he was home with me and she was gone, i asked him "why would your brother think that?" and he said "i dont know honey. i love you so much"

and then he got ready to retake his fire academy test- he failed the first time. it was scheduled to start at 8 am in a town 2 hours away and he wanted to be well rested so he wanted to go down the night before. and i really wanted him to pass. She was supposed to have been going on a trip with a friend that night. i should have known.

this is where it gets messy.

When he called me that night he slipped- he said "we found the place" instead of "i found it" and i knew. but i really wanted him to pass the test (2000$ hangs in the balance for our poor budget) and i didnt say anything. to this day i wish i had said something. anything. i knew. and i let it go.

when he came back the next day is when it all came out. he had "dropped her off" with her firend and "picked her up" and even though he was done with his test by 11 am, he didnt come home until 4....???? WTF.....

when he got home... he was walking around like i didnt know, nothing was wrong... he was hungry and decided to make himself a quesodilla thingy... and i knew something was wrong, so i was litterally so sick to my stomach that i couldnt function... and i laid down in ellie's bed because i couldnt be in our room. i just coulnt. he kept coming in and asking what was wrong and then walking away refusing to acknowledge that he knew exactly what it was... i dont' know why he did that. Finally he made me a quesodilla because i had said i was mad because he didnt even ask if i was hungry while he was cooking for himself and for HER. he handed it to me- i was still laying down in Ellie's bed. he asked what was wrong again. i whispered "she went with you, didnt she?" and he avoided it, so i yelled it. and he answered "yes" "but it was just to help me sudy" and the screaming started, i threw the plate with the food at him.

this was all just because i thought he had LIED to me. not because i could admit to myself yet that he was cheating on me. with her.

Ellie came in and saw me screaming, he just stood there in the door looking guilty an pathetic... and kinda mad, like i shouldnt be mad because he did nothing wrong, and she said "mama rawr" and i told him to get the **** out. and he did. she left too, sniffling and saying "i'm sorry mama" ....and i let them go. i dont know where they went. i sat down and hugged my babies and fell apart. and i called my friend Allie. she finally came over with beer. He came home later that night. still walking around like there was nothing else wrong. She didnt come in that night. Allie and i went for a walk and passed her on the sidewalk.

next day -sunday. she's back. they're both sorry. heck, she brought her neice over to babysit that day. i went to work. i ate nothing except chocolate cake. everything made me nauseus. My sister came over that night, and me and him (she left... wonder why) sat and cried and tried to figure things out. he was bawling and telling me how much he didnt want to lose me and how sorry he was and i told him this : "i lost you a long time ago" and i had no idea how very true that was. he told me he was so sorry for how much everything had sucked and he was going to change right away.

because even though i had told him she needed to get out... he wanted me to give her a few days. I freaked out on him. freaked out. wouldnt let him leave my sight. we took a really stupid trip to the shoe store ALL OF US. that might have been the day he wanted to put the doors back on his truck, i followed him to 3 parts stores (he knew i was following) with the kids and then sat right there while he worked on it, even though he kept yelling at Ellie for getting in his way.

that night the vibe was off. it was hot, and pouring. and still hot. i still hadn't eaten more than a couple bites all day. i ended up laying on the floor on my side of the bed by the wall bawling. it was wrong. i couldnt figure it out. everything was wrong. He kept coming in and telling Ellie to leave me alone, she kept hugging me and rubbing my face and saying "kay? kay? awww, mama" she was trying to tell me it was going to be ok. Bubba went to bed for the night. I tried to talk to Bill.i asked for his cell phone, he wouldnt give it to me, then he finally did give it to me and said he had just emptied his messages anyway. he was laying across the bed and just telling me to go to bed, it would be ok, i was tired, and i said "no, i'm not tired, i don't need Ellie to leave me along, thats not the problem" and i looked him in the eyes. and i stopped crying. and i said "thats not it. whats wrong. what do you need to tell me" and he said "its too hot in here" and walked out the door. i didnt follow. i had 2 kids. during this time i pretended not to notice that she packed her tote... heck, thats my tote, and left too. i got up to get on facebook..... and his account was up. i clicked on his messages. there was one waiting from her that said "even if i have to leave i'll always love you"

WTF EVEN IF? so i pretty much couldnt deny it.

I got dressed. Ellie was still up,i got her dresse din rain gear and went out. since he wouldnt answer his cell. i looked in his truck... he wasnt in there, i should have seen that she was though..... and then i saw something move way out on the other side of the parking lot and i went out after him. i had to yell at him that i wasnt going to stop following him until he talked to me before he'd come over to talk to me. i asked him about the messages, he shrugged said it meant nothing. and then he said he was ****ing leaving. and i told him NO, he can stay and clean up his mess, i'm leaving. and i kicked him in the nuts. hard. forward push kick. he went down. i went back in the house. Passed her on the sidewalk. a few minutes later he got in his truck and left.

so i started calling him. he wouldnt answer. so i called connie. she called his friend. he called back finally. i asked what was going on. if it was more than brother sister and he said yes. i aske dhow long, he said a couple months. i told him to come home so we could talk.

i'm going to have to finish this later my hands are freezing and i'm at work so i can't break down righ tnow.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

... the only thing worse than bringing it up is stopping in the middle of the story i guess.

he came back. left her sitting in his truck while he came inside. by now its after midnight. i don't remember exatly what we said, i remember falling to my knees feeling like there was a knife in me. major damage to internal organs. he broke my heart. and instead of just staying which is what i begged him to do. he left. i threw up. a few times.

i called another friend downstate. called my sister again. Bubba woke up. had to start the next Shrek movie. Eventually got Ellie to sleep, then Bubba. but i couldnt sleep. called them each a few more times.

finally, around 7 am i started calling him again, he said we'd talk in the morning. i gave up and called his BFFs house eventually, thinking he was the only man on the planet that could talk some sense into Bill. They didnt answer. I had to work in the morning..... i feel awful still because my boss had moles removed and they didnt warn her that she was supposed to not work afterwards. but i couldnt stay. i had to take both kids to work with me as it was. Finally outside work i called his buddy again and they answered FINALLY. Bill had gone there. of course, he was ****ing her in their camper... and i never did get to talk to charlie, just his brother, but i fel at peace knowing he was there where people might be stupid but at least i knew what kind of stupid they were.

when i left work at 11:30 he said he'd come back and talkto me. well, he came back at 2 AFTER HE DROPPED HER OFF AT WORK. he said he was sorry. that he wanted me not her. fell asleep in his chair, because he was running a fever and sicker than heck. and an hour later when she called and needed to get picked up, and whined in his ear, he left and he took MY CAR to go pick her up, and sat outside with her, and Ellie who was waiting for a friend to come pick her up to play. And then my mom called and mentioned somehting she'd written on facebook.

and i threatened to kill her as soon as i saw it, which is where it gets fun. my mom called the cops so i wouldnt kill her, Bill left with her to "drop her off" and i told him he had 1 hour or he was losing us all forever. and my sister and friend came over, and the cops showed up and i talked to them and told them that i hadn't killed anyone, and that i was not alone, i had friends, and they told me to call them if she came back.

and then he txted me and told me that he needed some time to think, and i txted him back and said i wanted him to have time tothink but i knew he wasnt alone and that wasnt ok.

so we started cleaning house. my sister ordered pizza to try and get me to eat since i'd had half a banana and water all day. thats it. spit out starburst because it made me nauseus. At about 8:45 (his deadline was 6 before that) i heard his truck pull in. my sister locked the door. i made her unlock it. he knocked, and he came in, and he asked to talk to me. he sat on the cored of the bed which was covered in his stuff, mine had all been moved to the kids room, and he put his arms around me, and laid his head on my chest, and told me that he picked me and he didnt want her. And i took him back. kinda.

we didnt sleep that night, he ran a fever all night, his throat was awful, we dozed a bit, i gave him meds. At 6 we gave up sleeping and i went on facebook to waste time. first thing i saw was a picture she had posted, looked like they were both naked, sitting in a chair that i didnt recognize in a room i didnt recognize- i guess it was the hotel room. and she wouldnt take it down. Win here one of her close friends who saw it replied WTF and i messaged him and told him and he hasnt spoken to her since. talk about burning bridges. She finally took it down at like 11 that day after lots of txt messages between the 2 of them, all of which i chaperoned. it was not pretty. so not pretty. it hurt me that i now had to help him let her down easy so that she wouldnt freak out and do something like ... show up at my door.. which would get me throwin in jail... unless they couldnt find the body... i took him to the Dr, Jane watched the kids. the woman is an angel. thats alli have to say. i've met so many angels lately.

he didnt want to talk to her. message her, txt her.. .sometimes. she kept txting him good night for like a week. until both their phones ran out of minutes. our internet cut out too. so we stopped talking kinda. She called the house once- and another time freaking out.... he wouldnt talk to her the second time.

he says he feels like he was brainwashed by her. he has been working with her ex-boyfriend, who says that he felt the same way when he was with her. brainwashed. there is no doubt she's very manipulative.

The last week of september this all went down. the first 2 weeks of october they didnt have much communication. then he got minutes, internet got fixed and a few messages went back and forth. suddenly she's *****ing at him for not talking to her, not giving him any time to figure things out. Suddenly he's not answering anything. She continued to stalk him- calling from other numbers or *67 or txting from her friends phones.... calling the house phone sometimes... it got bad. went on until x-mas..... progressively worse. he got a new phone with a new number. we moved. new house phone number. now she can't find him.

and then she pulled all that "i was pregnant with his baby and lost it" bull..... funny, her 2 x-f***buddies will tell me they were banging her up to the time she claims she found out, and then they continued to bang her for the month after that, until well after she moved in to our apartment....

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

We've gotten in to counseling, but it don't think its helping much. yet. maybe?

The other night at like 2 am Jim brought a friend in to crash on our couch.. new couch.... friend is a smoker.... nobody planned ahead. i said no. he said oh well, i said NO get up and get them out. he said "uh..." and i said get out and sleep on the couch if you can't freaking listen to what i need. so he did.

and while i'm sure there were roots to that in previous issues. for example- i decided that i was right and he was wrong on this because he wanted her to move in and i said no and when it happened anyway it was BAD so we're going to trust my judgement... but it was about his choice THAT NIGHT not because i was mad about anything else. and i am at peace with that night BECAUSE other times we have conflict i end up not sleeping. sure i was up for a bit- but i got back to sleep that night, and i don't care if he did, because i got to sleep. i made the right choice if i got to sleep.

i've stopped expecting him to do anything at all... in the house, for chores. i give instructions when he's home, and if he wants my time an attention he does them or i ignore him and remind him that there are 2 of us and i'm not the housewife- i bring in as much money or more than he does so it is unfair for him to have time out of the house to play and sex ect, when i am simply relegated to parent, clean, work, be a good little *****. oh, i'm a *****, but not a good little one.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i'm marking this just for reference now.

1. i have decided that i'm not going to stalk her through the work account unless i'm AT work. once a week is all i check.

2. sometime over the last few weeks i stopped hearing her voice in my head. and some of the resentment i've been harboring for her released ... faded. and the summer weather we've been having has NOT triggered any more resentment.

3. i've decided that this year, when it has been a full 12 months, is when the reminders stop. we stop bringing it up. end of story. maybe make a code word for the rare occasions it needs to be discussed.

4. in my daily stalking, talking to jim "made her day" which is funny as heck because he hates her guts and would happily help me hide the body. and then in her whining her aunt told her to "fight for the man that she loves" and to some degree i SOOO want to go at it with her! because i can ***** him out every day and he'll stay. and if he doesnt, i'm ok with that. which is kinda sad because i used to love him more than that, but i was never his hurt and broken before either. i never had to live for the kids before and put them ahead of not only myself but to put them ahead of him too.

5. i really don't have any bad memories in this apartment. nothing like the last 2 apartments. we might have been happy, and happy things happened, but we dealt with really crappy things too many times to really enjoy life at either place.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

i gotta update more often.

a month ago i applied for a few jobs. called on them every day. they were all filled Sad then i got an e-mail from a daycare saying more staff were moving away and they wanted to interview me. 45 minutes later i left the interview with the job, she hired me on the spot. i've been running evening for a week now at a daycare. dinner-close which should be 11 but sometimes runs later Sad Bill puts the kids to bed. and it kinda works. he has been working at Moeller for 2 weeks. until today. he got fired. lack of work? maybe he can get back in there again later when they need more staff...... so he's applying for the job he turned down last summer right now, and i hope the hours don't overlap that much with the daycare shift! maybe the kids can come play with me through dinner time and then go home to bed with him.

either way, i have a full time job, the shifts allow me to spend most of the day with the kids still, and not take them to work. we are financially close if not fully stable because of the job.

we are having some issues with our apartment building though, neighbor is bored and pissy, keeps complaining about stupid stuff, got us written up once already Sad now we need to fix a chronic oil leak or risk another violation and get kicked out. and i like this apartment. i will fight if i hear any more from him though. he doesnt know who he is dealing with.

usually we are getting along, but sometimes when he gets all involved in himself i want him out of my life. its annoying. he expects so much from other people but never puts forth effort himself Sad he expects his brother to stay and do stuff, takes atvantage of my mom, but doesnt do anything in return. karma karma karma.

or my mazda will run over your honda.... nvm....

i am trying to figure something out though. he uses my razor. i dont like it. i ask him nicely not to do it. i buy differnet color razors. he still claims he cant remember when its mine not his. i think he's just too lazy to be polite about it and uses whatever is left in the shower. so ..... do i get mad because he can be courteous to my skin- dull razors cause cuts! i need to shave to be groomed for work, not for personal entertainment- same with letting Ellie get into my makeup etc..... or do i keep trying to find a solution to a problem we've had for 4 freaking years, or do i spend a bunch of money buying really nice razors and refills so he doesnt forget? is it REALLY worth all the money and trouble?

but its not just razors, other stuff too.... and i can't waste my life solving litle things so i can make it through a day! ugh....

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

update: we bought a house, got a dog, i am loving my full time evening job and he is working full time at the same resort that he's been with for 5 years, but now he's in a year-round full time position instead of seasonal. we got a dog.

Things to accomplish before baby #3.
1. wait until at least june. run hero rush with sisters.
2. pay off credit card B. pay off my C credit card. save emergency fund.
3. fix water pressure tank, stove, blow in insulation in attic eves, around upstairs window, get chest freezer.
4. get healthier to minimize risk of complications in next pregnancy.
5. get operating computer.
6. purge and organize in house to make chores easier when pregnant.
7. plant trees, organize yard and property to meet our needs.
8. have plan for windmill.
9. pray this all works and i can get pregnant at a fortuitious time.

thats really all i needed to post.

Joined: 11/23/07
Posts: 870

if you ever want to drive yourself crazy, get pregnant and question things.

my brain hurts right now. i joined a questioning vaccines group and now i'm hearing suddenly how bad tylenol is! aaaahhhh! i'm trying to tackle vaccines, not every medicine out there!

it is INSANELY hard to separate one issue from another though, especially things like vaccines from "naturopathic medicine and you must live completely clean, organic, and wheat (soy, dairy) free to be healthy!"

flouride helps teeth or is poison? its soo hard to figure it out!

its hard for me to believe that everything is really just one massive conspiracy out there, but every sign points to the answer that it IS all just a conspiracy. i have no idea what people gain from controlling everyone else except satisfaction.... but maybe thats enough for them!

What comes out of this is that i feel guilty refusing vaccines which i know are ineffective and full of poisons...because i ate starburst. yup. makes tons of sense. right? NOT. but you see, I know they are connected!

so, i use zofran, unisom, and starburst to make it through pregnancy. therefore i'm a victim and unable to make the educated choice to not vaccinate.

why can't i just live on MY land and have NOBODY bother me for my choices. just respect them. please. its hard enough making the choice.... second guessing sucks. i have enough trouble figuring out if me and my husband agree!

Viruses are a risk that happens inherant with living on earth. while its lovely that we can try so many things to prevent infection, my children will not be guinea pigs when you haven't proven safety in drug trials that i personally accept. other drugs must undergo a double blind placebo study and vaccines don't. end of story.