I passed the state exam! woot!!
Called the company yesterday. Job has been offered!! I finish paperwork this coming wk!!
I don't trust Dusty. I won't really trust that she's preg till i see a baby. I'm scared that when Jim dies she's going to try and screw me over to get whatever money i'm entitled to. She hasn't called in almost a wk. wth?!?!?! I think she's pissed cause she didn't get the reaction she wanted when she called real late and said someone robbed a house/apartment 2 doors down from her. Well, ya know what. You made the bed, you deal with it.
My brother's wife is having issues. I don't know what the he!! her deal is lately but i'm getting scared for the kids. Again. Made the bed, deal with it. She got pregnant on purpose cause she wanted him to marry her. She knew what he was like. She expects him to change? People don't change. You can't make them change. They have to want it.
Well, surprise surprise Dusty is now not preg. duh, she knows she can't back it up with anything.
Job is history. I'm PISSED!
I have a job. I started after thanksgiving. It's doing private homehealth. I am really enjoying it. Though, it does have it's pro's/con's.
Our van was included in the Windstar recall for cracked rear axle. We took it this morning to the dealership. They are cracked. We are officially in a rental for at min 3 months , yes you read that right. We have a 2010 Town & Country touring. It's AWESOME!
Jim is doing really good. He's been such a great help. He now gets *M* up and ready for school and on the bus. He's also been making dinner (with *J*'s help) everynight.
My hrs (as of now)
Sun-Fri : 8am-10am , 5pm-6pm
Mon and Fri : 10:30am-11:30am
Mon, Wend, Thurs : 3pm-4:30pm
May be adding Sat/Sun 4:30pm-7:30pm
Plus, going "on call" soon. If i do any visits while on call, it's $30/hr on top of my reg rate ( 12.20 /hr). Plus mileage.
It's been awhile. Alot has happened.
I have a new job. I'm in a nursing home now. It's 32 hrs/wk (considered fulltime) doing 11pm-7am. LOVE it! Full benefits with program that will pay 100% of my nursing school tution.
Dusty (Jim's daughter) is out of our lives. along with constantly asking for money (using guilt trips about being let go for adoption) we found out she'd been doing coke and meth. It's not worth losing MY kids or job over, sorry. I've worked my *** off to get to the point i'm at now.
My sister had her baby boy, Thomas. He is so adoreable!! He has no health issues and was full-term.
We finally got the van back in April. Looking into replacing it quickly!
So, we replaced the van at the end of sept w/ a 98 buick riviera.
I hit a deer 6 wks later. They totaled it.
Now we have a 05 Buick LeSabre. It sucks that we'll be making car payments again.
We should be moving sometime prob March/April. It would be right across the str from my work.
What do you do when you get to the point where love just isn't enough? Is it really worth trying?
It is worth trying. That's when love becomes a choice, not just a feeling. (HUGS)
It is what it is.
We are not getting along. I am about to up and move out of state. We aren't good together.
This time of yr just sucks for me. I've had 4 residents pass away in the last 2 wks....so work has been pretty hellish.
add about 10 more residents. they are calling our floor "the angels of death"
So ,yeah. It's been 17 yrs for Zachary and it still feels like yesterday, i remember everything. It sucks. You can't compare losing a child to a parent. Jim tries to all the time.
Jim had another heart attack. They places 2 stents, 1 in one of the original bypass's from 08.
So i passed my one yr mark with my job, woot! I happen to be on probation now for missing time, which is completely fine by me. My hrs are reduced to 24 until oct, it gives me time to decide my next steps on this path for nursing or medical assistant. Plus, i get actual time with Jim and the kids. And my stress level is down!
My Aunt in Philly had an accident when she was cooking chicken, she fainted and hit the pan as she was going down....she got 1rst and 2nd degree burns on the left side of her face and neck, she's going to have a home nurse once a wk until oct and they are doing plastic surgery. Of course, this happened th wkend before we were supposed to go down there on vacation, we still wound up going. It was weird ...i haven't been since my Grandmother's funeral 7 yrs ago.
ummm, what to call this mood?
irked? yup, i'd say i'm irked.
It seems that admin here forgot that Oct is preg/child loss month.....just looked, have seen NO annoucements about it. Zilch on the loss board, which i'm gonna guess explains why barely anyone posts there anymore...why post somewhere you're not going to be supported?
And to prove my point.
There are 97 people viewing the loss board right now.
Really? Absolutely NOTHING about loss awareness recently. There is post that has the banners and sig things from 2009
I have an interview with the rehab hosp place from 2 yrs ago. Not going to totally trust being hired till i'm actually doing orientation!
Interview went great!! This would be so awesome!
In other great news:
We're finally getting housing!! *happy dance* We've been on the waiting list for at least 2 yrs. It's a 3 bedroom duplex with an amazing back yard! We're gonna finalize everything this wk and start moving the small stuff first.
Whatever you’re doing right now. Take a deep breath, and another. You are so beautiful. Has anyone told you that lately? And there’s something more important..You’re strong. Sometimes it feels like you’re not. Maybe even most of the time. But please, don’t ever forget. You’re stronger than you know.
Every day, you wake up. No matter what. No matter what you’re gone through, you wake up in the morning.
Take a second and appreciate that. After all these years, you still have hope. Maybe it’s buried inside you. Maybe that sounds ridiculous. But you keep going every day. And that makes you incredible.
But breathe today, breathe right now.
Sometimes things are too much. And I want you to know that’s okay. There will be times when you want to break down and cry, times when you want to fall asleep and never ever wake up again. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. And that’s beautiful too. After all that you’ve been through, you can still feel.
Never underestimate that.
Because you know what that means? There’s hope. It means that you’ll feel love and happiness. It means you’ll feel pride and joy. It means you’re still alive, but more than that, it means you’re still living.
Never stop feeling.
But sometimes, just breathe ♥"
Oh my lord!
We are moved to the new place! I'm gonna take pic's tomorrow.
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Where to start?
I fu#ked up, bad.
Bad, like i'm going to look like the biggest hypocrite.
I met up with someone who i was involved with in the past, there was no sex then....just kissing and touching. I caught hell for that from our teachers, cause i was senior at the time...he was only a freshman or sophmore. I know that doesn't really seem to make a difference, but had i not crap we could have wound up together.
Honestly, right now? There is nothing going on, there hasn't been anything for a few wks. We have tabled everything till at least after New Yr's. There can't be any sexual inuendo. We both have to decide if it's really worth both of us losing everything. Plus, (and i know this isn't the main thing, but it's the biggest issue right now in both our minds) If we do continue we both have to be able to deal with the emotional crap of knowing it's never going to be more, and being scared of wanting it to become more, btdt already, thanks!
Jim and I haven't had sex in ages. Thats not an excuse, thats being honest.
I never ever thought or wanted to be in this position. It's hard.
I had the strangest "sign" on the way to our first meeting, i just told him about this tonight. I had turned on the main road to his town and had the radio on my fav station, what song comes on? Faithfully by Journey. :shock: umm, ok. I can say that i almost turned around right then. I guess i didn't cause i don't want to have any regrets.
This feeling of peace.
I know this is the right thing to table everything. We can talk and text but there can't be any "come meet" from either of us until we've made a final decision in Jan. How thats going to go? I have no idea. I can wait to find out. There is alot that can happen in a month and we both need to live our lives.
Yes, he is also married. Yes, he also has children....younger then *J* and *M*.
We know there are feelings from before but trying to not them influence this decision is going to be hard.
So, that went quicker then planned. It's final. We are both at peace. There can't be any contact at all. He is going to tell the wife. I will tell Jim, eventually.
This will never happen again.
I just can't fathom what happened today. *M* still doesn't know anything about it yet, I know we'll have to tell him before he goes to school on Monday.
My hardest issue? Hearing that this kid was developmentally delayed and "slighty austistic", ummm...hello? *J* in freakin nut shell. I just get scared that now because of today people are going to view/see him differently and/or treat him horribly. I've always done my damndess to be an advocate for him first and protect him second.
So my whole body decides to f#$k with me. I'm nauseous. My boobs are killing me! Yes, yes....i know. POS, right? *ugh* My damn cycle was finally getting "somewhat" (less then 40 day between) normal. I had AF in the beginning of Dec. There is no question that it's not "his". Yes, Jim and I have had sex. If i don't start AF by next wkend, I'll test then. I've already almost puked a few times. this is exactly what we don't need now. but, it would help with housing, food stamps, and the such. anyways,have i been tempted to call "him"? yup. not going to though. i'm the one that requested the no contact. I didn't want to deal with the emotions of him coming back at a later date saying ending it was a mistake. Just the emotions of seeing him excited, then seeing him feeling guilty was more then enough to screw my head up.
Nothing on AF front. I will test this wkend.
clarify on "him". Not tempted to call because i miss him(cause i don't!!). I'm tempted to call to tell him what an a$$hole he was/is.....but, i'm pretty sure his wife has that covered!
AF in the building. Kinda funny, was feeling wicked puky all day yesterday. Had reached my treshold limit and went upstairs to do the test then....to see blood. Hurts like b!tch but it's a good thing.
Officialy starting back on my meds, depression and RLS.
My next job i def can't do overnights. It screws up my whole body badly.
Jim in hospital.
He was ambulanced up @ 4:30am yesterday. He puked, almost passed out and used 3 nitro's with no help. He was having pressure in his back (how the heart attack in may presented) and felt like the back of his head was going to explode. He has pnemunia(sp?). He could be home today. He was having TONS of pvc's (irregular heart beats) 10-12 is normal for him, he was having over 70 at a time. The heart #'s showed a little difference at first, but they have remained low. They think the infection was putting alot of pressure on his heart thats why the #'s were elevated.
To say i'm exhausted is an understatement. I haven't had more then an hr or two of solid sleep in over 24 hrs now.
lastnight/this morning was hellish. he slept downstairs (so i could get some sleep) and woke me up around 2am because his sugar was low (57) ....we dealt with that. Then around 4-8am he was coughing like crazy, having chills, and lungs killing him. I took him to his primary care Dr, they did chest x-rays.
So flippin tired.
He is doing so much better! Thank God! He was awesome about letting me catch up on my missed sleep, i really needed it. It does no good to have me out of comission and sick.
We are going to the fuel assistance appli shortly.
I finally got my W2, taxes are submitted.....stupid IRS isn't going to "accept" and start processing till Jan 30. We're getting back around the same amount as last yr (little over 8K). It's going mostly to bills and stuff for the house (new table, new computer desk, curtains for the rest of the house).
I'm turning 40 in less then a month!! *ack*!
My heart is breaking. A really good friend from high school just lost her 21 yr old son early this morning. He was in a horrific accident the other night.
Wow, lots to update!
We got our refunds back. woohoo! Bills are all current. *happy dance*
The new desk came today. The new table doesn't come till Monday. We're going to have one of Jim's friends put them together. We finally got the curtains for the kitchen and kids rooms. I'm totally taking pics after everything is put together.
We're going to Foxwoods Casino to celebrate my birthday. His sister used one of her room comps for us. My parents are taking the kids to my sister's that whole wk of vacation. I can't WAIT!
Things are good here. I still haven't told him yet.
Something interesting though? his email address. I was watching a movie and realized it came from there, and the guy in the movie is a complete player.
I'm not even sure i wanna put this out there. The past few mornings i've been waking up with "marks" on me. No, jim is not abusive. I'm wondering if it's the med's? I woke up the other day and had a burn mark on my hand. The past 2 days i've had little bruises on my knee. Could i be sleep walking? or even sleep cooking? The burn does freak me out.
and it continues.....
Like i really don't want or need to be freaked out right now but wtf?!?!
I've knowningly blacked out ONCE in my life. I had literally just broken up with "tricky rick" (oddly enough, saw recently) and it was my sister's wedding (june of 96) . I know i was drinking, i know i smoked. I remember going to sleep on a couch in the hotel. The next thing i remember i'm walking down the hall of the hotel, a) ALONE and b) with bruises on my inner thighs (yes, rough sex type bruises).
Now, I'm reading all this crap on the net (worst thing to do ever!) and really wondering what the hell my next step is. Cause, if what i've been reading is right? I'm screwed. Completely.
And i get to tell Jim this how? Oh, yes btw my loving husband who has medical issues up. the. freakin. ***. and can't handle the kids/house by himself that i could potentially have something that could put me in the hospital with no warning. Or maybe thats what this is? Maybe this is the warning that something has to be done.
Happy 40th Birthday to Me!!!
I went to my unemployment appeal last wend and since they had the burden of proof and didn't show, it's been overturned! woot! I got a good porton of retro on friday and the rest yesterday. I got a new laptop (chromebook) and i spent less then $200.00 on it. This way Jim can have the desktop to himself, and Jimmy has his computer upstairs.
I guess i should get into "other" crap. *sigh*
I think i've pretty much known this for awhile but my mental health issues are more serious then depression and being bi-polar. I'm still trying to gauge my next step on this one. I know what it is and it honestly scares the living crap out of me. I'm scared of how to deal with it. I know that i'm going to have to quit drinking and smoking. They seem to make it much worse. But, i really don't want to. And that really sucks to feel that way. I know my health and well-being have to be the most important thing right now.
want f#$ed up???
Teacher Charged With Possession of Child Porn | WPRI.com
This was my social studies teacher in high school.
I know, i've been a little quiet.
One of my mom's good friends that had cancer finally passed away this past wkend. Her funeral is Wed.
*N* (Mike's daughter with Vondalee) turns 22 in a few days. Like where did the time go?? I remember meeting her for the first time and she was only a little over 2 yrs old then.
My "issues" are not resolved. I really don't know how to go about doing this. I have the feeling that to get it "under control" any therapist would want me to do at least 30 days inpatient, which is so NOT feasible.
oh, and Mike has moved to Tenn and left no forwarding address or phone #. Not that we talk much anyways (once a yr) but still...
We got our fuel assist letter this morning! We are approved for over $600.00! Awesome!
Our rent is based on income and since i finally got my unemployment it's gone up, it's gonna be an extra $110/month.
*J*'s prom with "Best Buddies" is tonight. He's so excited! He has stitches between his 3rd-4th toes, he was walking upstairs and slid into the end of the radiator and sliced 1/4" deep.
AF is MIA. This gets so annoying. I need a regular cycle. I really think i'm going to get back on the pill just to regulate this crap, and helping with the cramps would be good too!
We think Jim has cancer.
Yeah, April right around the corner Welcome to my Hell.
And i of course can't say anything on FB till we know for sure, next wk.
Esophageal cancer - MayoClinic.com
Signs and symptoms of esophageal cancer include:
Difficulty swallowing (dysphagia)
Weight loss without trying
Chest pain, pressure or burning
Frequent choking while eating
Indigestion or heartburn
Coughing or hoarseness
Signs and symptoms of esophageal cancer include:
So, i did some more searching. When it's early it's not noticealbe. By the time most people start having those symptoms it's already advanced and the prognois(sp?) goes down.
Ummm, yeah so. Not doing the best emotionally right now at all. We both start crying at the drop of a hat. We ran into my parents today at the store and told them. I am half tempted to call the church and let them know. I hate Easter. I depise this time of year.
He has acid reflux. He still needs to see a GI specialist just to be sure there isn't anything else gong on.
I got the most awesome message from Vondalee (Mike's ex before me, Mom to his daughter).
You know what? I want you to know that I think about you and your little baby all the time. Thank you for letting me be there and hold him. You know that he is in Heaven waiting for you. I don't think Mike's parents treated you well at all after your baby was born. I thought he was the most precious thing in the world when I held him. Nikki and I still talk about him occasionally and especially this time of year, you are always in my prayers. I've miscarried twice, but they were very early miscarriages and do not even compare to your tragedy.
Another angel annvi for Zachary come and gone. We went to cape cod. It was such a beautiful day.
Jim is still puking pretty much daily now. He see's the GI specialist today.
Not much more to update....well, there is.....but i can't (won't) get into it.
wanna take a wild guess to who showed up in my driveway the other night? yup. that would be one and only a$$hole #1.
i'm guessing it's because i don't have my other phone anymore, he never got my new #. even though i;m the one that requested the no contact.
ugh, this is probably going to get long.
Dusty is back in Mass, she's staying with us for the time being. We had issues the first few days but it's better now. She knows we are only trying to help her. Our neighbor has turned into a physco b!tch. She's been trying to get Dusty to go against us, needless to say that wasn't gonna fly. I don't want to explain the whole thing but there was alot of yelling and cursing. We tried to explain that the neighbor only wanted to use her (they are both gay) and she didn't see it till the next day when we were talking and the things the neighbor did/said. So, she tried to start sh!t one night when they were outside smoking cig's. She comes in and says she wants to go to bed but Dusty isn't letting her go inside. I got so frustrated because i didn't want to be in the middle. Well, Dusty comes in and see's my face and is like wtf is going on? I told her exactly what *C* said and what i said. *C* wanted me to go out and b!tch out Dusty to come inside.
Jim still hasn't seen the specialist, he see's them next wk.