i've been trying to get on for a few days now and couldn't.
Dusty is once again gone from our lives. Unreal. The first night she was here she stole about 10-15 of Jim's vicodins. She admitted it when confronted. Well, a wk ago friday he had to have a procedure done and he asked where the vic's were and told me to bring the bottle with us. I got it from his drawer (in our room!) and notice theres not alot of pills in it. I counted them right then, i know there were 58 in the bottle when i put it in the drawer. Now, there was only 29. I came downstairs and told him right away. We waited till we got back from the hosp to confront her and of course she denied it. She ran out back and called someone to come get her. Normal person who knows they did nothing wrong would try to figure out what happened to them. She started leaving without her bag. I told Jim to tell call her and have her come get it cause she wasn't staying here anymore. I had considered letting her stay if she admitted to it and we could have worked it out. Nope! So done. Plus, i was going to delete her icon on the computer and thought about it for a second. I didn't and got into her facebook and found a sh!tload of the lies she'd been telling us. She even went as far as to blame the missing vic's on me to her friends. wtf? I do take his vic's sometimes (usually only when i have AF) but i tell him ALWAYS. She is no longer welcomed here. I blocked her # from calling the house phone. She wants contact she has to go through my cell. It's not f@cking worth it.
So, unto Jim. He saw the specialist. They wanted him scoped again, this time put under. They didn't find anything, but did biopsies on a few areas on his throat. We should get the results soon.
Me news: I have a job interview next month. Yay! I'm going to look into volunteering at the local fire station. I need to decide on my next steps. I know i want to go back to school. I just have to decide on LPN, MA, or EMT. I'm leaning toward EMT.
Biopsies are negative for throat cancer. Thank God.
I got a conditional job offer (cori/background checks need to be done) at the place where i had the interview. I'm scheduled to start JUne 27th. I would be working the 7am-3pm shift. I have completely stopped smoking, not only because of the drug test, btw , i know i can't smoke if i want to further my life in the healthcare field.
Job is awesome!
Jim and I? Not so much. I'm starting the process of looking for my own place.
yeah. i'm not putting this here yet.
you know the person you are supposed to be with forever? yeah, so f#@king found that.
Jim and i haven't been doing good for a long @ss time. He appreciates nothing that i've done the last 5 yrs while he's been in and out of the hospital, and he may wind up there soon because he's not feeling good and has a low-grade fever, he's been puking alot lately.
This person *B*. I knew it the day we met, so did he. We both felt some sort of energy. He's 48, not married, not single, no kids. Been w/ the same g/f for 13 yr.
I am still serious about getting my own place. He doesn't deserve this and i'm telling him soon.
We had a long (2-3 hr) discussion lastnight.
6 month trial period to work it out. marriage counseling.
If we aren't in a better place by the end of Feb i'm going to get my own place.
We've been having really good convo's getting stuff out.
this is hard.
i'm not supposed to talk/text to *B*. i don't even know how to explain it. i got the same exact feeling the first day i met jim, i knew we where going to be married. i knew/felt it when i met *B*, he felt it too.
the difference though?
it hurts physically when i'm not near him. like my body hurts.
i really am trying with jim.
we still aren't good.
regardless, i am going to be moving out. i need to figure ME out and do what makes ME happy. selfish? yup, probably. i'd rather be happy then miserable.
i went through an external/internal pelvic u/s. i have risk factors of ovarian cancer, the u/s came back normal....but i am still getting alot of pelvic pain that can't be explained.
things with *B* are still the same. he needs to make some decisions too. it still hurts physically when we aren't near each other.
Happy 2014! Things are the same. I had an awesome job opportunity that would have been a live-in situation. I'm not taking it because of Jim. He wound up in the hospital again right before Christmas. His heart function has lowered again, he was at 50% a yr ago, now he's at 22%. So, i'm a little bit pissed about that. It would have been perfect. I could keep my current job or go to parttime so I could go to nursing school during the day, she only needed someone from 5pm-10pm everynight with my own apartment and directly on a lake. So pissed. I'm at the point where I know putting him into either assisted living or a nursing home (def not the one I work at!) is my only option. He's not safe here. He keeps falling. I can't take care of him much longer.
So much has happened, but not much has changed.
Currently not working.
Jim took a major fall backwards down a FULL (14 steps) flight of stairs. He is so ****ing lucky (or maybe unlucky?) to be alive still. When he landed he wacked his head against one of the door hinges, thank god he had a hat on or it would have been so much worse (not sure thats possible anyways, it was a horror scene). He needed 7 staples in his head. He broke 2 ribs. Between the hosp and nursing home (where i worked previously) he wasn't home for over a month.
then, he was home for maybe 2 wks? He had a bed sore that got infected with MRSA. Yay. Exactly how he lost his leg. We almost lost him a few times.
Parents just took us all on a cruise to Bermuda. Like the trip to FL 4 yrs ago. We needed it so bad. It was great to spend time with the kids and my siblings and their kids and especially my parents. I know and appreciate how lucky i am to stiil have them alive.
Kids are doing ok. Matt really got traumatized from Jim's fall. We were all home and he pretty much saw the whole thing. Jimmy i'm having legal issues with that i can't explain now cause it's an open case. Once it's resolved i will.
*B* is no longer. It took alot but really hit the last straw there.
I have met someone fantastic. He is divorced, woot! he has 2 teenage girls. He works a very high paying, high stress job. We see each other once a month if we're lucky. I would love to see him more but between everything we both have going on it's not gonna happen anytime soon, and right now thats completely ok.
Just passed the 20 yr annvi for Zachary. Stings everyday.
Still not working. we won't go there right now.
started EMT class........won't go there either.
I had to have Jim section 12'd last Nov. it was not a pretty scene. He is still pissed at me about it. He has finally started dialysis. He just fell 3 wks ago and broke his hip (amputated leg hip).
I have been seeing someone new the last 5 months. It's a little complicated, he is single, no kids, great job and has been in the same house the last 18 yrs.
My dad's cancer has metassised into bone cancer in his back (of all eff'ing places!!)
:angelnot: ~ Sara -
:onphone: ~ DH - Jim - passed 8-20-15
:angel7: ~ Zachary - 4/19/95 ~ stillborn @ 33 wks
:eating: ~ *J* - 18yr old
:chewgum: ~ *M* 13yr old
Jim passed away Aug 20th.
He went into the hospital on the 18th with breathing problems and chest pain. The rehab place had done a x-ray and found a spot on his right lung that they couldn't rule out being malignant. He had CT scan done and that showed multiple spots on his left lung. We are pretty sure he had lung cancer. His heart function was only at 15% , his heart stopped.
I'm ok. I knew this was coming it was just a matter of time. Kids are taking it really hard.
not sure if ever coming back here. my email is different now. firstname.lastname@example.org
(((((((((HUGS)))))) I'm sorry for the delayed response hon... and for your loss. I know you have had a rollercoaster ride with Jim through the years. You likely are still trying to process this new normal and to help the kids find a place of healing.
I recognize this is opening up a brand new chapter for your future. Please know this remains a safe haven for you to journal and share your plans/goals -- both short term and long.
Additionally, know I would love to hear from you anytime. I'll drop you a note via email shortly and have updated your contact.
Know you remain in my thoughts and prayers.
All the best,
Thank you Missy. I really appreciate it.
Still not working.
Had major neck surgery in November. They removed 2 discs (c5 and c6) then put in a cadaver bone and a metal plate and fused them together. They were pinching the nerve in my right arm. I was at the point where I was completely incapacitated and not able to do anything. Great for the person who is emotionally stressed and cleans to handle that!!! Recovery has been amazing. So thankful for awesome family, friends and someone who truly loves me.
Kids are doing better. They still have a hard times. Jimmy was/is upset with me that he wasn't there when Jim passed away. I know he wouldn't have been able to handle it.
I really do miss Jim. Yes, granted the last few yrs were not the greatest for us the love we had for each other was still there. We were better as roommates at the end. His wake and funeral were gorgeous. I am dreading August big time.
I am still seeing the same person. It will be 1yr and 5 months tomorrow. Yes, jim knew about him. We have talked marriage....not anytime soon. We both like the way things are going and aren't looking to rush anything. He is great with the kids and my family likes him. He has been amazing through everything.