Inside my head...
I have been meaning to start a journal and as i am always on the computer i figured why not here. so first ill introduce myself, i am amanda i am 22 years old and i live in mustang, oklahoma (right outside oklahoma city). i live with my boyfriend justin our almost 8 month old son michael and our two dogs harvey and gizmo. i am a part time sahm, a part time worker at gymboree and a full time student majoring in history.
the reason ive wanted to start a journal is because i feel like i sometimes have no one to talk to and if i do no one listens so at least this way i can get out my thoughts. ive been having a lot of emotional issues i guess you can say lately. justin works 54 hours a week and is never home and when he is hes not if that makes sense. hed rather watch tv then talk to me or even interact with me. and when he does it seems like he always wants something. i love him but it seems like he doesnt feel the same, at least not always. i only have a few close friends so i feel very lonely at times.
well now dinner time calls i guess ill finish later
so yesterday was long! out with a friend all day and then i get home and have to wash michaels car seat cover. well i took it off and found a giant crack down the middle! now i have to wait till monday to talk to graco. looks like ill be staying home all weekend. at least my dad is willing to get michaels christmas present early, which i asked to be a convertable car seat.
michaels starting to try to crawl which amazes me cause i never crawled. he just cant get the hang of holding up his front end and back end at the same time so he always falls down. right now hes trying to but its not working so well so hes really just rolling all over the living room.
i emailed my ex's fiance yesterday and her reply was so b*tchy and i was totally nice. all i wanted to know was what he wanted me to do with his stuff he left at our house when we broke up. whatever she seemed jealous so thats her problem not mine. but i will say i did write him an email in either march or april and it probably pissed her off. i wasnt in the best state of mind lets just say. ive been dealing with PPD since michael was born and im just now realizing it. im going to start going to a therapist as soon as i can get an appointment. but i even apologized to her about the email and told her about the PPD and thats when she gave me the worst attitude i cant help what i thought in a bad moment, i cant help that my relationship with him ended the way neither of us planned and it was hard. or the fact that when i wrote it our wedding was supposed to be a few months away and i had just found out he was now engaged to her. even though we had been broken up for two years i felt betrayed. even though i had this new little baby and a relationship. i just dont think she has a right to treat me poorly its not like im banging on their door or anything. i knew the minute it sent i shouldnt have sent it but i couldnt take it back.
i wish justin and my relationship was better. i wish he made it seem like he cared about and loved me. i know he says it but i dont feel it... i love him with every part of me but i dont feel it back. and when i try to talk about it he gets all pissed and defensive. or he uses the i work 54 hours a week excuse. ok yea you do but i take care of our son every day all day even on your days off so you cant pull that! i wish he didnt have to work so much but he has way to many bills not to. and he keeps getting more credit cards. like we dont have enough things to pay! between the two of us we now have a macys, walmart, jcpennys, and best buy store cards and 2 orchard bank cc, a capital one card, a ussa card, and he just got a best buy mastercard (the kind were you can use anywhere and get points). in the past 2 months hes gotten the two best buy things and one of the orchard cards (the other is mine). we cant afford it all and he doesnt seem to get that. i cant keep helping him keep his account from going negative. and every time i say i cant loan him money he gets all pissed, im sorry but i need to protect my own account!
everyday he comes home, sometimes 1-2 hours after he gets off. he takes a shower and goes to bed. and when he wakes up he takes a shower and goes to work. what kind of relationship is that. i feel like hes a roommate who sleeps in my bed. we have no sex life and i have no idea how to get one back because i just dont want it. and i partially think its cause i dont feel cared about the other reason for it is i think my birth control. why im even on bc i have no idea since we dont have sex but maybe once every 3 months! since aug. 06 weve had sex maybe 4-6 times. and he expects me to please him but doesnt think i need to be pleased. im frustrated in so many ways.
i have no idea how to fix us he has such a temper and attitude problem. and im sick of being criticized about the way i am and not even being able to criticize him.
oh well i guess thats enough for now. thanks for reading if you did