It's Only Temporary!

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It's Only Temporary!

Yeah, I miss you all being able to view my journal & even though my other one has been made private, you won't be able to view it until the move & from what I understand, at this point, we are not 100% sure when the move will be.

I am ok. Mikey has surgery again on Tuesday. He will be fine. We have to stay over though. The first time for any of his OR's. Liam, well there are still some issues, but we are working on them. He tries so hard to be so grown up & I hate that he takes the world on his shoulders. He will be done grade 1 real soon!!

Medically, I have to see my OB again on the 11th. Not sure what is going on. All I do know, is that with the Hysterscopy & D&C on April 30th, there was no fetal tissue present. So BeBe got lost. I can't beleive that someone was so careless & just forgot where she is. SO much for my health & future was riding on the results. Now I am upset over that on top of the loss as well.

I am taking the boys out today. It is supposed to be a gorgeous day & I just want to be with my boys.

Till later...

Diane

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3 years since baby Jay. I miss you sweet Angel :cry:


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Liam's appt is this afternoon. I sure hope we can finally figure out something that will help. I hate seeing him suffer. His ADHD is def. harder than M's physical disabilites. Sad Mikey goes in tomorrow. I can't find out when until after 130pm. I find it so funny that this surgery bothers him because he won't get a scar from it! Such a boy!!!

I am dreading this surgery too, out of all of them. I don't want to see him throwing up blood. During the RSV was bad enough. I don't want him to be in any pain. Poor little monkey. I hope he feels well enough by the weekend to go see Bob The Builder at the mall. He is looking forward to that!

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We need to be there by 1015 am. OR is scheduled for 1230pm. Def. spending the night. Why is this one bothering me so much??? Please think of Mikey for me, if you can. It would mean the world to me.

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20 minutes until departure time!

TY so much everyone for taking the time out to think of Mikey! It means so much!!!

God, please watch over little Mikey & take him through this with flying aces!!!

Mikey, you are Mommy's strong little man! You are the bravest boy I know!!! I love you more than words can say. I love you to the moon and back, forever & ever & one more day!!! :bighug:

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Like 2 minutes after he got back to his room {05Jun07} and yes, all he wanted to do was talk!

Taken about supper time {first popsicle!} {5Jun07} He is on oxygen here because his O2 kept dropping {they changed it to forced room air during the night}

Good Morning! {when can we go home?!!} {06Jun07}

Breakfast! Fruit Loops & Waffles! 17 hours post op! {06Jun07}

And from today seeing Bob The Builder!!

Waiting for Bob!

Silly Liam!!

One of the Treehouse channels hosts {I guess an award winning Canadian host :dontknow: } Markus!

Bob walking down the hall {and yes, he had like 3 or 4 security guards surrounding him & watching up above in the balconies!!}

Finally on stage!

Markus & Bob singing and dancing!

All in all, today was a great day & Mikey is home & finally seeming to do better, so all is good!!!

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Hey - I can view this one!!!!

I'm glad to see that Mikey is doing better, and hope you had a wonderful weekend. I was thinking about you today and yesterday.

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Thank goodness he got to see Bob! It would have been just awful for him to miss that! Sounds like a good weekend for all. Smile

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Not doing good. Had a huge break down this week. BeBe did get "lost" That kills me. I had to instead got for a whole wack of bloodwork to see if there are any problems with me {obviously there are}. It hurts so much & I feel so lost without here still. I am not sure why this one is still hitting me so hard :dontknow:

Gotta go pick up up my boys now. They are what give me strength.

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*****BIG HUG*****

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Of course it hurts! Of course you had a break down!
I'm so sorry. More hugs from this part of the country. I hope things can be explained and help ease your sorrow and pain.

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How nice. Just because there isn't enough funness going around in my life right now, AF decides to "grace" me one day early. And, Of course it is my Gramma's birthday {her first one since she past & BeBe's 6 month "birthday", had I made it this far.

Great, just great.

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Not really hiding, but been kinda busy. I had my graduation last night! Yeah, so I officially graduated LAST july, but they only have grads once a year, so here was ours. needless to say, technically, I was the only one from my school period, but there were 2 others that I knew!! Pretty pathetic, but hey, I never had a grad before, so it was special to me.

The boys were my dates & they were so proud of me! they sat in the front row & when they saw me going up to the stage, they stood up & went right to the front & were clapping and yelling "YEAH" over and over! they brought tears to my eyes!! I got a couple of pics, so I will post them in a little bit.

Liam has 4 more days of school, then grade one is over & soon it means I have to prepare Mikey for school too!!!

Where has time gone.

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2 more days and it will be official. I can't believe it will be over. Obviously it was coming, but heck, to read it, it really "finalized" it... We will take the boys out for a specials upper, but not really tell them the meaning behind it. I will know how special it is to me to have my family all together.

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It's officially offical today!!! Well, the 31st day of June :roll: What do judges know? Obviously not the calendar!! JK!!

I am DIVORCED!! after nearly 6 years, it is true!!!

And the best news of all,,,,

I HAVE SOLE CUSTODY OF LIAM!! As if there was any doubt of that, but to have it on paper, I dunno...

Ahhh, what a great Canada Day!!

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Let's see:

{06Sep07~26 day cycle}

{His Birthdate is 11Oct00}

{His Birthdate is 19Dec03}

{My Birthday is 04Aug77}

{It was official 01Jul07} Yahoo

:shock: Umm, that's a busy post!! :shock:

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I'm in Heaven! I get all day with Liam!! He always wants to be at his great grandparents, as there is more kids there for him to play with. But he is here! Mikey is at daycare & Liam stayed home becuase he has a dentist appt this afternoon because that extra tooth has popped out of his gum already :shock: He know he will have to get put to sleep & have it pulled & he is good with that. Actually, he tried making Mikey jealous by telling him that now it is HIS turn to go to the "Bear Doctor" {our Stollery kids hospital} for an operation!!! Lol

Yes, Liam is jealous by all the medical attention M gets!

At least my guys aren't scared of the doctors, huh?!!!!

Now though, it is 1030am & L is still sleeping! He was awake, but fell back alseep while I was taking M in!! Time to wake up sleepyhead! Awww, it is the first day of summer vaction though, right?!!!

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Liam's gets his Echo on July 18th!! I can't wait to finally see how big this hole thing is! I am betting it is minor, but subborn, just like him Wink

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TTC on hold indefinatly. Gotta go away for a bit. Need to find me. Email me if you need to.

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How ironic is this? The day after it became official that TTC is on hiatus, what do I find at our DollaRama? Yeah, $1.00 HPT :roll: Just my luck!

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July 19th. Only 2 more 19ths to go until it would have been BeBe's DD. It still hurts & I still cry when the 8th, the 30th & the 19th rolls around, so yeah, the beginning, middle and end of each month.

I am scheduled to return to work finally on August 1!! That will be a huge help & relief!!

So much has been going on. Liam has been through all sorts of tests for different things. Mikey had his War Amps/ChAMPS seminar over the weekend. Got some great pics of him!!

Will update more when I can. Need the Ativan to kick in first.

I miss you BeBe :cry:

{01Aug07}

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Going to see Robert Munsch this afternoon with the boys! I loved him when I took Liam last year & this time it is free with gate admission to the Capital Ex. Man I hate calling it that!! It will always be K-Days!!

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Bad news. Poppa {Liam's great Grandpa & really my one "real" family} had a major stroke yesterday. This was his 3rd one, but this one they classified as massive. Yesterday he was Ok, but it was the calm before the storm. He only recognized his wife & reacted to Liam's name. His right arm was paralyzed and he could move his right leg. He could not speak.

Today we brought Liam & he is worse off. He has 2 clots. One in his left side of the brain & they found another one in his left CA. Yeah, in his neck. Not good. They can not operate & are hoping & waiting for it to move from his neck to his brain & hoping that the clot busting meds they are giving him will break down the CA clot before it does major damage once it reaches his brain. Today though, the doc wasn't as optismistic as he was yesterday :cry:

He would not talk to day & they are putting a feeding tube in him. He also has insulin dependant diabetes & his numbers are all over the place naturally.

One miracle though, Liam went to his right side & told him he loved him & he was the best & Tom squeezed Liam's fingers!! He also moved his right shoulder!! I am not sure to get too overjoyed for this, because I know enough to know that sometimes that happens.

We are not sure & hoping like the docs say, it could take a full 6 months to get any definate answers. God I pray this isn't it. He is too amazing & special.

God, please watch over Tom & keep him safe.

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Things aren't looking too good :cry: Apparently he had a heart attack sometime while we were there earlier. The only way they found out was through a blood test that checked his enzemes. He pulled out his feeding tube already. They asked about life saving measures. Gramma said that she wants them to do what they can to keep him alive, but not if it means he will have a poor quality of life. She asked me to let Liam know & to find out if he wants to come say goodbye.

Liam was sleeping, so I don't think he really understood J & I. He went back to sleep. I am praying he will hold off until tomorrow so Liam can be awake to go down there first thing.

Lacey got off the phone with me because they were going to restrain him to put the feeding tube back in.

I can't believe this is happening. So fast. He was so good yesterday...How does this happen? He put his hand on Gramma's shoulder & was pulling on her sweater & touched her hair. Is he saying goodbye? How do you know? I don't want him to go, but I don't want him to suffer. It is so hard to not be selfish. I just want Poppa to be at ease & have no pain & know how much he is loved and how special he is & how much he means to me and the boys.

Please don't let him be suffering. No one deserves that.

Tom, you are so incredible. I love you. Mieky loves you. Liam loves you.

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Vent came out about 2pm. I will get into more details later. We are basically just waiting. But for somer eason, they also took him off his insulin without consutling the family first.

He is breathing on his own, but fluctuates from 82-100. Yeah, not good. His HR is from 90-135. Yeah, I know. It's just a wiaitng game now & it is no longer in our hands.

Please pray for him. This man litterally would give you his shirt of his back. I am not really evena part of the family any longer, and he has never used that against me. This man, truely was a great man.

I love you Poppa Tom. Please be at rest. I will forever be indebted to you for the love, supprt & kindness you have done for my boys & myself. YOu are amazing. I love you. Thank you.

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Poppa passed away yesterday morning at about 6:58am. I went to see him shortly after. I took the boys to DC because Liam had a trip to the zoo. I didn't tell him until after, because I only learnt as I was walking out the door to take them. I was numb & didn't want to upset them.

He is still not talking about it. Just tells me he is sad. Naturally. Mikey says he is happy, because now he is playing with BeBe {girl}. He still calls her that.

My heart is so torn & I feel lost. I wandered around yesterday after and felt like I was not walking on the ground. I still feel like I am waling on the air. I cna't believe he is gone. He only takes the best though, right?

Funeral is Monday at 1. I miss you so much Tom. You have meant the world to me. I don't know how I would have gotten by these past 6.5 years without you. I am glad you are at peace now.

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Today is the veiwing. I am going. Liam doesn't want too & that is fine. Totally understandable. Tomorrow is the funeral & he wants to go to that.

I am still torn over this. I can't believe it happened. Feels so weird to feel life go on around you, when you are so sad. :cry:

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I am excited ofr this afternoon! At 3 I go in and meet with my union rep & my APO about my return to work start!! I can't believe I have been off since Feb 12 & I am just starting back on Friday!!! My BDay is Sat, so what a great present!

The boys want me to stay home, but I can't wait to get back into it!! Plus it is a modifed schedule for August, so I will still have some time with them!!

Tom would be so happy! All he bugged me about was when I was going to go back to work!!!

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OK, so I was upset this morning about it being the whole one week since his passing. Then I had a shower to get ready for my meeting. When I came down, I looked on the TV where the boy's cocoon's have been resting since they got them the day Tom had his stroke. Low and behold, one of them hatched!!! I was in awe, as it just had happened! I saw it slowly unravel it's set of wings & learn how to start to use them! I even took a video of it!

Then, my meeting was very good & I know Tom would have been happy. I got home, checked my phone messages & found I had 8 expired messages. I ususallly don't ever check my messages & when I hear I have expired ones, I just delete tthem right away. I listened today. The 8th one, was Tom. It was from the 19th, the day before the stroke. I don't think he knew he elft a message, as it was him saying my name & then asking his wife for our =cell number. He did things like that all the time, or would just leave the phone off the hook so the messages would go on forever!! I burst out crying. I couldn't believe I was hearing him again. I resaved the message of course!!!

Liam had a bit of a break down tonight. He told me that he hated this life because it took his grampa away. 'why did it take him away Mommy?" was the question that followed. I told him that he knows that grampa is still with him & watching over him & that he is still his best freind. Then he told me he misses him very much & he tries to keep the sad inside. He then asked if he could talk to L {a social worker we met in ICU beofre he passed}. I told him I would call her.

I know it is a part of life, but this was so unexpected right now & this is Liam's 3rd loss in less that 11 months. My poor little monkey. I am feeling so lost that I can't help him. Sad

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I'm at work! I'm only here until noon, but hey!!! It feels so good!! Now I just have to find where everything is & sort out things!! :woohoo:

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AF showed yesterday. Ever since the surgery in April, my periods have been so screwy & bad. I am so dizzy today & weak. I am in so much pain... I want this to end, but I am dreading having to go see my OB again. His office staff drives me bonkers :evil:

According to FF, my cycles are about 26 days in average, which is different too, but they have been going from 22-31, so I am not sure. I hate this.

{September 6th~26 day cycle}

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Yeah work! I am here an extra 2.5 hours today! I have tomorrow off, which is good, cause I have to take Liam to see the Hospice ladies to see if he is a good candidate for the Grief program they offer for kids. He is excited for it!

I work again on Wed until 230, but then I have the rest off. I was supposed to work Fri, but I am having surgery on Thursday, so best to take it off. I am petrified for it, just due to all the problems I had last time, but it should be good. It is my face though & my sense of feeling is greatly diminishing. Rapidly :cry: I hate it. Who would have thought that 20 years after the puck it would really be getting bad now?

Must be the old age!!! Turn 30 & everything falls apart!!! Dirol

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Another day at work! I am getting funny looks, being all swollen up and such, but at least the brusing is going down! My thigh hurts like heck & I hope that no one ever needs to go through a skin graft. Seriously, the worst pain ever. Including natural childbirth. it doesn't help it is from my groin and goes adown under, but the burn OMG, like nothing I tell you :grrr:

Can you believe, 15 days until the boys start school. Wow. My little baby will be in pre school & Liam is going to be in grade 2. Holy, where did time go? I thought it would stand still for my guys :dontknow: !!

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Hey, tickers aren't working!! Oh no!!!

On a side note though, I love how Po set the settings to have everything displayed back on the left side! I hated it at the top!!!!

I love PO!!!

Now I gotta get my Avatar back!!!

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OK, so seriously, skin grafts hurt like heck. I hate this. I seriously hurts more than having Mikey naturally Sad Thye told me to wrap the site with a tensor. OK, but how do you do that on your groin? :dontknow: I have one on, but i must look so silly walking!

I go tomorrow to have my stitches out. My leg buns and my face feels warm at times, even though I am taking my meds. I am sure it is just normal healing funness though.

Ahhh, thank you so much Paul Coffey :roll:

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Wow. One month since Tom's passing Sad I can't believe it.

Work has been great. Yesterday was sad though. Onw of our doctors was found dead in his home. Not sure how or why, it is suspecious right now. He didn't show up for his clinics, so his assistant {my friend from school} called his wife who happened to be in BC building their house &asked her if she knew antyhing. She didn't so she called the police & gave permission for them to enter the house. They found him, but word had not been out on what happened. He had been at work & my hospital the day before & was not sick or anything. I pray he didn't suffer.

I love you Tom. I miss you. Sad :bighug:

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Darn infection. Gross. Thankfully not on my face, but my groin is not fun either. :grrr:

Liam lost his front tooth last night! He wiggled it out because he was worried that he would literally lose it today at daycare and miss out on the tooth fairy funds!! Now it is time to yank that pesky supernumary...that will be fun at least he will be put to sleep after Sat.'s episode.

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It's September. Shall I say more? Coming up to BeBe's DD & the 1st anniversary of my gramma's passing.

Yeah, it's going to be great.

Sad

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I *think* AF is here. Who knows anymore. I have to try to reach the nurse tomorrow to get some help with this. I can't wait until the end of Oct.

My Liam starts grade 2 tomorrow. I can't believe it. Where did my baby go? I am really sad too, because it should be a time celebrated with Tom. He loved bringing him to his first day Sad I know he is there in spirit though Sad

Is September over yet? I hate this month.

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My baby started grade 2 today!! Yahoo I am sad & excited for him all at the same time! Now give me till Thursday when I take Mikey in & I will be a blubbering mess!!! I talked to Liam on the phone at 800am & he told me he couldn't wait for recess! How funny & typical is that? He's only had all summer to play!!! That's my monkey!

AF did decide this was time to show up yesterday. A 23 day cycle. Yup, love it. Wonder if everything is screwey because of the tubes that were found in my uterus. I am sure that does have something to do with it. :dontknow:

{28 Sept 07~26 day cycle, maybe :roll: }

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So, Mikey's first day was great!!! He was so comfortable that after less than an hour he told me, "Bye Mom, I will sit in your chair now"!! What a monkey!!! He loved it & naturally the teachers and thereapsits were very impressed with his function. Was there ever any doubt? Nope, That' Mikey!!!

I am now on Provera 30mg, twice a day for 1 week, then 10mg twice a day for 3 weeks. ugg. Side effects don't sound fun, but neither is this bleeding. Gross.

I am seriously hoping {sometimes} that we could just do a hyst and get it over with. It's not fun anymore Sad

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The boys have measles. Sucks. Poor Liam is getting the worse of it. Mikey only had the spots & a bit whiney. Liam though, has had fever since Monday night & it will only break with medicine. I need to take him in today, because I think this is going on for too long.

6 days until BeBe's due date. It still hurts so much. I don't think I obsess about it, but man, the pain hurts soooo bad. Espeically in light of the fact that I am sure this is the end of my chances of having another baby again. I can't TTC this month, because I don't want to take the chances being on Provera.

I see the OB in October & will talk to him about the whole tubes in my uterus thing & all the problems I have been having since the last surgery. I relaly think it is time for a hyst. Sad

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Yahoo my BeBe & original journal is now up and running again with the private boards! If you asked me for access, you should have it. If you'd like access, PM me!!

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tomorrow... Sad

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I miss you BeBe Sad

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http://www.familylobby.com">
">http://www.familylobby.com/common/dtFAM10624447533FLDT.GIF">

December 19th

August 4th

October 11th

April 29th

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I have my interview today! I can't wait! So excited!

1 year anniversary since we lost my Gramma Sad

And this:

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Frig I hate cancer. Why does it have to be so evil & affect anyone, let alone children? 2 PT's only 12. One died. Ovarian. It's not "supposed" to affect those that young. It is an "older" woman disease. I hate this. So unfair Sad

My heart & wishes are with their families. Sad

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Thinking of all my Angels in Heaven today. Watch for the candle tonight. Your brothers & I will be thinking of you.

xoxo

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Weel, it is hard seeing all the new BFP. I thought I was ok thinking that I was done, but it still hurts that I may not get those excited feelings over POAS or prenatal appt's. It is not in my hands any longer. Now that I am on the Tranexamic Acid, I hope it works, but I hate that I have to have meds to stop bleeding. Oh well. I see OB on monday. I am not going into work again today, that means 2.5 days this week that I have missed due to this bleeding.

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Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 648

Today is the day. OB day. I've been waiting for today, but now that it is here, I am scared. Really scared. Less than 1 hour. I feel bad, all I want to do is go pick up my boys. I thought I was OK talking about Hyst options again. Now it scares me real bad. I always thought it would be my decsion to make. To be done. Now if the descision has been made for me, I feel ripped off.

I'm nervous...

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