a journey of acceptance
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  1. #1
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    Default a journey of acceptance

    I just wanted a place to put my thoughts, and I do hope that, if anyone reads this, that it will bring hope when I finally bring my child/children home someday. All I know now is that we will be parents!

    About me and DH: We are Catholics. I bring that up first because it has so much to do with our TTC/adopt journey. It's not the top thing on my mind all the time, but our faith is important to us and I respect the decisions of the Church and am always open to learning more, whether I feel like debating it or not. And the Church has a lot to say about TTC, so it's a factor.

    So anyway, DH and I met at a Bible study. He was wearing his Americorp shirt and I went right over to him after the talk (on marriage preparation, of all things!). I was a teacher through Americorp at the time, and knew we'd have something in common. He was so friendly, and I couldn't stop thinking about him. A year and a half later, we got married

    We got married at a Catholic church, and the priest made us take NFP classes. We were going to anyway. We (well, I) decided that we were going to wait at least a year before TTC. We wanted to buy a house, and we figured that I had to work for a year before we'd have enough saved for a house. Well, a year before I even met DH, I got diagnosed with PCOS, but it wasn't so bad. However, when I started charting a year before the wedding, I realized how infrequently I O.

    By the time we got married, I decided to stop postponing TTC. I figured it would take awhile. We started TTC the very first night. And, 8 months later, I know I was right. Since the wedding in June I have O'd twice, once on clomid. Our BD timing was perfect both times, but I've never been pg.

    My emotions have run the gamut in the past 8 months. Sometimes I think I haven't been trying long enough to worry. Other times I feel like it's hopeless. I rarely O, and my O's are weak and I have LPD. I can't take progesterone to bring on AF on a long cycle because it makes me wicked-depressed. I hated clomid, and each cycle, with monitoring, costs over $300. Mostly I hate the (warning, TMI) rectal bleeding which makes my anal fissure much worse. Yeah, fun--I'm only 27! Anyway, so I hate clomid but I haven't ruled it out for the future.

    As for the treatment, I hate the way the doctors treat people like they're a broken machine. I hate the pressure from paying so much (to us, $300 is a lot) just to "fail a test". I hate putting my life on hold and the obsessive what-ifs. And, partly because of the Catholic thing and partly because of the doctor's attitude, I won't go any further than clomid. Plus, if $300 is a lot...can you imagine? And I want kids naturally, and if clomid feels forced enough there is no way I'd be comfortable with anything else.

    After the failed clomid cycle in December I spent January finding a house. We close on it next Monday! And I'm really excited because we're getting a dog next month. That will give me March-May to get the address changes done and get the dog settled in. Neither DH or I have ever had a dog so we have a lot to learn.

    In June, I get to go help my cousin with her twins that are due in May. I've never helped with infants before, and she has 6 older kids that I'll babysit and help with, too. I can't wait! I'm nervous but excited to learn so much.

    After June, I'm finally going to get serious about finding a job. I have been unemployed since I quit my teaching job at the end of the last school year, a week before the wedding. So this will give me a year to deal with wedding/house/dog/infertility before working again. I have no idea where I want to work, only that I want to start saving for adoption.

    As for adoption, DH and I don't want to compete with other couples to be chosen by a BM for a newborn. We want to adopt kids who are legally free in the foster-care system. Siblings if we can't conceive, or one or two separate ones if we can conceive one or two of our own. I've already found an agency, Gladney, that I want to work with when we're ready.

    I don't know about our timing or our age range. I just hope God will lead us through that. I know that the one-year mark, after I get back from my cousin's, will be hard. I know my DH and I really want to be parents. We feel ready. But, with getting older kids, it might be weird since our friends and family all have infants right now. We may get a kid as old as 9! So I feel like we should wait a few years at least. Plus, I may not even be infertile, just taking longer that we expected.

    As for DH, he's so supporting about whatever I decide. He's excited about adoption and understanding when I'm hormonal (well, he tolerates me when I'm having a hard time tolerating myself!). He trusts my timing, too. He just wants to be a daddy.

    So, anyway, that's the background. If you got through that you deserve a medal!

  2. #2
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    This week has been so stressful but I got good news and had a great day today. We close on the house Monday--wow, so close!--and I'm freaking a little about the commitment. I haven't even lived in a house in so long. Now I have to take care of one! I feel old, even though many people my age already have kids much less a house.

    As for today, I went to get the electric permit and found out that all I had to do was forward them our inspection report instead of sitting around in the empty house waiting for their inspector. So did I go home like a responsible person and send the email? Heck, no, I went shopping! I got so much stuff for the house and had a blast. I got a bunch of stuff that I wasn't exactly planning to get, but I don't care because I saved a bunch of money on the planned expenses. And I only got practical stuff, too. Seriously, I got a ladder and a garage storage unit and a flashlight and smoke alarms. I even got plug covers but that was the TTC in me. I know they are also required if we adopt so I figured, why not get them now? If buying CO detectors and plug covers keep me from buying a whole nursery full of stuff then it's all good!

    I also found out that the title company is pretty-much ready for us (good thing since they're running out of time) and we should find out the final amount we owe very soon. Maybe even today, but probably tomorrow.

    On a dumpy and unrelated note, I now have to take antibiotics. That means no BD for me since I'm convinced that I'll get a yeast infection even though I made sure the doc gave me diflucan, too. I don't think I'll O anytime soon, though. I'm on CD 60+ and my temps have been zig-zagging for over a week now. My CM is almost non-existent except for the random EWCM that promptly goes away. But, if I miss it this time, it's just as well. The O will be weak if it happens at all, and I don't want to deal with an obsessive 2WW right now. I'm torn since I really shouldn't miss it and I might not get a yeast infection. I only O rarely. But I'll just have to see how I feel.

    I'm also obsessing more and more about getting a dog. I really think that I'm getting a taste of the adoption process. Don't think I'm crazy since I know a dog and a human are way different. But I'm trying to decide between going to the SPCA and buying a Cavalier through a breeder. The breeder will cost way more than just going to the pound. However, I've been watching the photolistings at the pound and, everytime the one I got attached to is taken off the listing, I get so sad. Now, when I see a dog I like there, I just want to run down and adopt him. However, I need to wait another month before I can reasonably care for a dog. The wise thing would be to just stop looking at the photolistings until we're ready, but I just can't stop myself. If I went with the breeder, yes, I'm paying more, but I know exactly which dog I get now. I just have to wait to bring him home. And I have a good idea about the characteristics of the dog, and I've carefully researched that breed and feel most comfortable about what to expect. Plus, now that I found out the apartment reletting fee is less than I expected, I know we can afford the dog from the breeder.

    So what do I do? Take my chances at the SPCA and pay less or spend the money for the puppy I want? My DH asked me, if money was no object, what would I do, and the answer was easy--the Cavalier. But I was taught to be responsible, too. But yet, this dog would be a family member, and do you really base that decision on money? We'll have this dog for ten years at least (all things considered) so it will be worth it if we love the dog we get. On the other hand, we will love whatever dog we get as long as we can train it and care for it. Sigh. I emailed the breeder some tough questions about health screening, shots, the price, and more. Maybe she won't even email me back and this will be easy. If she does answer my questions then I'll probably go with the Cavalier.

    All I know is, if choosing how to adopt a dog is hard...how much worse will it be to adopt a person???

  3. #3
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    Here is a picture of the dog I want:

    See how this is a hard decision? How cute!!!

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    The breeder emailed me back and it turns out that she's awesome! She loved my questions and she really cares for the puppies and their parents. Whoo Hoo! I may get to meet my furbaby as early as tomorrow!

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    Our furbaby Toby:


    DH and I had so much fun shopping for him today. We were good about getting the lowest-priced crate and carrier and the other big stuff, but we totally are spoiling him with toys. We went totally overboard.

    I can't wait to bring him to our new house and take care of him. This is the first creature I've ever cared for myself and been responsible for. Of course DH will help but I'll be spending more time with him. I know that the novelty will wear off eventually, but for now this excitement is taking the edge off of my TTC and adoption angst and the stress over the home buying. And I have so much to learn! Neither DH or I were raised with dogs so we are newbies at the whole thing. But the breeder said we could call her with questions and our friends have dogs, too, so we've got resources.

    I really do think that this experience is just a hint of what the adoption experience will be like if that's God's plan for us. The beginnings of desire which started many months ago. Then the long talks with DH and discussing why and why not. Finally budgeting for it and figuring out when. Months later, realizing that now is actually a good time to move forward. Getting stuck with too many options and going back and forth between two different ways while researching both thoroughly. Finally getting that final piece of info that helps us make up our minds for sure. Getting photos and falling in love. Meeting them and wanting to take them home immediately but knowing you have to wait. Shopping and planning and wondering how life will change and how to care for this new dependent being.

    It was a roller-coaster and this is just a dog. How much more will it be for adopting a little person? I'm sure it will all be worth it, though, when we bring them home. Just like now, after meeting Toby, the last several months just melt away and I don't regret anything. From what I've read on the adoption board and what I've heard from moms who have given birth it's like that but even more. So I have to trust that, if we follow God's plan, there are kids that God will lead to us. He will bless us with all the resources we need to care for them. All of the obsessing and waiting and worrying and shopping and questioning will be worth it and more.

    As for my TTC plans, I'm starting to think more and more about the one-year-mark that comes up in June. I know that I'll be stressed through March since we'll have a new house and the dog. I'm praying, though, that April and May aren't too bad and that I can have at least one O sometime between now and June. Please, God, a healthy O. Even if I don't conceive I want the hope that can only come from a healthy O. With a good, strong LP. I've only O'd twice in 8 months of TTC. I want at least one more chance, a real chance, before our 1-year anniversary. Please?

    June will be out because I'll be out of town for three weeks. After that, if no pg, I plan to put off TTC for awhile and get a job. We won't prevent but I don't want to TTC with a new job. By Jan, though, I may see about trying clomid again. Maybe. I hated it, and it would cost half a year's savings to do three months of it, and it's so stressful, but I want to try. If that doesn't work then I may hit the two-year mark with no pg as well. By the three-year-mark it will be time to do the homestudy! Geez, look at me, planning three years in advance. I'm sure God's laughing.

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    DP

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    Ugh, a lot has changed since the last entry. This will be short, though, since I'm exhausted.

    On Monday, the closing went OK. There was a lot of drama leading up to it, but ultimately the paperwork got done and the check got passed along.

    On Wednesday, DH got fired.

    While this is terrifying and I haven't quite processed it yet, the good news is that DH is available to help around the house all day. I'm such a slave driver but we've gotten so much work done. I might as well get assigned parking at the hardware store I'm there so much. I'm learning a lot about things like putting in new doorknobs and other things but I still need DH to do most of it. So it's good he's around to help. Every time I think we're almost done we discover something else that really needs attending to. It's very expensive and now we don't know where the money is going to come from. Does that stop me from shopping: uh, no. Thank goodness we do have money in savings still. It won't last for long.

    More good news is that DH is having an open mind as far as job postings. He's learned so much about who he is and what kind of job he's good at. And he's jumping right in as far as calling people and sending out resumes to people who want to help him. He knows so many people. And we've been through this before when we were engaged so it's not a total shock like last time. He has a plan and we hope and pray this won't last too long.

    Bye, bye future clomid treatment (not like I was really wanting to do it but I miss the option and the hope it brings knowing I'll O). Bye, bye savings. Bye, bye free time once I go back to work myself. OK that sounds really negative but this is a journal and it's better to get that out here. I need to be positive with DH since his confidence is shaken. Although I must say he is handling this much better than I handled it when I left my job after a really bad meeting with my principal. I still haven't gotten my confidence back.

    I had things all budgeted out and now I have to start all over. Maybe DH will get a raise? That would be awesome. If not, well, we'll just have to work with what we have. Sigh.

    For now, I have a plan for the weekend at the house. I'm psyched that we got so much done today and I think tomorrow will be really productive, too. We'll take a break Sunday and I'll finish things up Monday and Tuesday. I'm grateful for the hard physical labor to keep me busy and help me sleep. At the same time I'll be glad when it's over and we're settled in. I don't like the uncertainty of my schedule and driving all over. It leaves me so fatigued.

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    I am on the verge of tears and it's so hard because I have to be strong and confident. The thing is, I'm angry at DH for getting fired even though it's not entirely his fault. He hadn't gotten any negative feedback for months before he was fired. If he doesn't get negative feedback then he has no reason to change, and therefore he just keeps doing the same thing that the boss (secretly) doesn't want him to do. How unfair is that? But now he's fired, and this is the forth job he's had in two years, two of which ended with him being fired.

    This is bringing up so much crap from my childhood. My mom lived in fear that my dad couldn't provide so she got a low-paying job just so they'd have a stable source of income. She wasn't happy and was afraid of debt. Meanwhile my dad had some different jobs and spent a lot of time and money on his hobby. To be fair, my dad is now paid to do his hobby full-time, and loves it. His dreams came true and his hard work paid off. However, they still got divorced and my mom is more peaceful. She's married to a guy that seems more stable financially.

    Have I gotten myself into a similar situation? Is my husband unable to provide a stable life for us? This keeps happening to him! I don't want to be disappointed in my husband! He has so many great ideas. He, like my dad, is a big idea person, full of life and fun. I fell in love with that. But will I need to spend my time in a crap job just to make sure the bills get paid and we have insurance? Will I grow resentful with him?

    What a couple we make. I'm unable to reproduce and he's unable to keep a job for long. I'm so upset. I just want to cry but I don't want my husband to see me upset (even though he would understand). I don't have time anyway since we still have soooo much work to do at the house and I want to get it done today, and soon. I shouldn't even be on the computer but I had to vent. If I don't vent here then I'll scream and throw a fit with DH and that's no good. I need to be supportive.

    Growing bitter is my biggest fear, and I feel on the verge of it. I want to be proud of who my husband is. I can't have this double standard. I have to accept all of him. On a good note, he has agreed to broaden his job search. He has been in cube jobs, doing a job that is better suited to introverts who quietly and quickly get the job done. That is the opposite of who he is. I would love it and thrive but not him. He's now going to interview for sales positions which would be perfect for him. It's problem solving, still technical but will involved all of his people skills. His fun-loving personality combined with his slow diligence and thorough approach will make him easy to trust as he helps the clients solve their problems. And he knows so many people that getting leads would be easy for him. Training and consulting would also be ideal, although I guess sales involves all that and more.

    So I pray, God, that you will lead my husband to a job that is truly suited to him. Please, God, give DH the job you made him for, a job in which he will thrive and serve his company well for many years while providing for his family. Also, God, please help me to find a job I love as well. Whether it is SAHM or a career (or both!) please give me my confidence back that I lost after the last job ended so badly. Please lead me to a job where I, too, will thrive and serve my company/family well. Please help us honestly discern where we belong and how best to be a family.

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    Well, my angst on Saturday turned out to be partly my fighting off being sick. I was really depressed all day Sunday and didn't want anyone around me or DH touching me. I thought it was because of him getting fired. However, Sunday night, I started to have a really bad sore throat. The next morning I woke up feeling horrible and went to see the doctor and, like I figured, she said it was the flu. Last night was horrible. I had a fever of 102, which would be like 103 to most people since my temps are naturally low. I was laying in bed, nauseous, praying for sleep and to not throw up. Both those prayers were answered, and, this morning, I felt better. Slept 13 hours, too!

    Today I'm useless, though. I can't even walk across our apartment without feeling weak. DH is amazing, though. He's so busy now that I can only watch and ask him to do stuff. He got both our cars loaded up and did some work for the job-hunt, too. He's going to work on stuff at the house today and the rest of the week. I tried to do some simple things there yesterday and it just made me very weak so I had to stop. I hate being useless but I love how it makes me appreciate DH so much more. I need him so much right now. He is providing for me in the way that God needs him to right now. I mean, I'm almost glad about the job loss right now because there is no way we could do this if he was working full-time right now. Not even if I didn't have the flu!

    We had another issue that we may have figured out a solution to. DH didn't tell me until late Saturday, but the #@$#@ company canceled our insurance that same day he was fired. How evil! I mean, what if we had procedures scheduled that we needed or something? I heard that most companies let it go for two more weeks along with the severance. Of course, finding that out added to my stress, which weakened my immune system, which led to my getting the flu, which led to me going to the doctor But the good news is that, when I told the doctor that I didn't have insurance, she gave me all of the medicine I needed as free samples. Thank you God! Tamiflu is very expensive and apparently hard to find anyway. And the doctor visit itself didn't cost that much, either. We could do COBRA but it would cost $830 per month. What a rip-off. Our savings will be gone in two months anyway, and there is no way we could afford that on top of our mortgage and bills. But, as long as we don't have an emergency, and as long as we don't get diagnosed with any long-term issue, we'll be OK. And, if DH gets a job and the insurance doesn't kick in for awhile, we'll get the COBRA coverage in the meantime. But the idea of having it for a long time is just not possible. OK so the solution I mentioned is nothing more than not having insurance. Not much help but the best I can think of with a feverish brain.

    I can't wait until the move is over. I've got it planned out but the next week is going to be really busy and uncertain. By Saturday we'll be sleeping and showering and cooking at the house. On a good note, all of the neighbors so far seem really nice. They look out for each other and talk. Most of them have lived there for many years. There are some retirees next door that are home during the day so, when DH goes back to work, if I get scared then I have some people to get help from. I'm glad that the neighborhood is diverse, too. Several times I've seen white kids and black kids playing basketball together. Whether we adopt from the foster-care system, or conceive, or both, I want my children to have a diverse group of friends and good role models of their race. While that will take work on our part as parents the potential is there in our neighborhood. DH is really friendly and he's rubbed off on me so that I actually got up the guts to introduce myself to two neighbors myself. If the neighbors think we are nice and friendly then hopefully we'll have a good relationship with them. So far, so good

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    We got moved in yesterday and we've already got my closet and the living room largely taken care of. Last night felt like we were sleeping in a (messy) hotel room, and it was amazing spending our first night ever in our marriage in a room that didn't have a family on the other side of the wall. Too bad for AF and the flu Seriously, though, I'm glad that AF arrived, well, for the anno bleeding. After a 70+ day cycle I was so happy for it to end--and without drugs! I can't take prometrium anymore so I was psyched I didn't need it. It feels like a good sign, of change, an old phase ending, and new beginnings. In the last few years I've been happy when AF arrives. So weird, I know. When TTC you should be sad for AF but I always get this feeling of renewal (and, yeah, endorphins). It's a fresh start. That's probably because my cycles are so long and unpredictable. The only time I know for sure what is going on is during AF!

    As for this cycle, I'm still not sure if we're going to TTC or prevent (which probably means we'll just let it happen). I will probably be sad then quickly relieved when AF comes again. I want to get pg but I know that it happening when neither DH nor I have a job or insurance isn't too smart. That said, not getting pg when I'm actually trying makes me feel like going through all the work to prevent would too ironic to bother. And what if this was, though the intersection of fate and biology, my cycle after trying for 8 months? I was almost disappointed when we found my thermometer, and I'm tempted to just not bother except that I should use the progesterone cream and the only way to do that is to temp. I still may not bother and really just let it happen. This is the first cycle in which I will be happy either way so I should just enjoy the freedom and go with it. I'm sure a time will come when I'll be trying to control things hard-core later. And it will be good to have an unmedicated cycle, too. If I have don't have signs of low progesterone then maybe I don't even need the progesterone cream until I get pg.

    I should just stop trying to type--the Oscars are on and I can't concentrate. Even though the movies were mostly lame this year the show is better then usual.

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