The house is coming along better now. Our living room is much less messy, and the dining room is done. We're almost done with the kitchen. DH got all the furniture assembled, and I got everything ready for the dog (like getting the cage assembled). I can't wait to bring Toby home! It seems more real seeing his stuff out.
Last night I finally got a good night's sleep. Yay for Nyquil! Knocked me out. I had been up for over four hours coughing away. DH only woke up once, and only briefly. How did he sleep through my coughing? I won't be able to leave him alone with baby at night since he obviously will never wake up to crying, either. That's a long way away, though, if we even have a baby.
My dad is coming tonight to bring us his old lawn equipment. I'm excited to show off our house to my family. This house is slowly starting to feel like home. I turned in the key to the old apartment today so I never have to go back there. We found out that our old next-door neighbor got held up by gunpoint at the apartment so we didn't leave too soon. How scary! I used to walk around the complex by myself, which was stupid. I do feel much safer at the house, though. It's nice not only knowing your neighbors but knowing they have been there for years and aren't likely to leave soon. I like our fenced-in yard and getting to choose all of our window coverings and other random stuff, like lights and doorknobs. All of that personalization made it feel more like ours instead of the generic apartment housing I've been in for years.
DH was gone all day and he left again to do some shopping. It's been nice having the place to myself! I love him but I need my space, too. I love the quiet of being alone with my thoughts for hours at a time. He is such an extrovert and needs attention. I just don't want to give it to him during the day. This will be an issue when we have kids for sure, so I better learn to cope with it.
I should go. I need to unpack the junk in our guest room so my dad has somewhere to sleep.
I had been wondering if I should go back to work immediately, but I decided to take my trip to see family like I had originally planned. The trip isn't until June, and I'll be there for quite awhile, so there is no point in getting a job now just to have to quit in June. I can look, but any job has to be flexible enough to let me have that much time off so soon. Really, though, with the new puppy comes responsibility, and I hate to leave it home alone all day or even for several hours each day. I mean, if we get a puppy, we should take care of it the way we intended. Puppies aren't meant to be home alone all day. We should have gotten an older dog if that was our intention. We'll have to when I go out of town (please, God, let DH be hired by then) but he'll be older by then. Although the most promising job lead would have DH home during the day since it's a telecommuting type of job. So Toby wouldn't be alone after all. He wouldn't get much attention, but he'd get fed and cleaned up after. I really hope DH gets that job. It would be a great position for him.
So I'm going to be taking a year off like I originally intended. I left my teaching job in June and I'll start job-hunting again in July. I'm glad. It gives me several months to take care of the house and enjoy my last few months of freedom and the peace and quiet of being home alone
(at least I hope I'll be home alone and DH is working by then). I'll be looking for job leads and trying to discern what I want to do. Of course, if I get pg in that time, then I'll probably not bother looking for a job. I'll have a baby to get ready for! I really hope that happens.
I realized the other day that, by not charting, if I get pg I won't know for quite awhile. Being "late" is a 90-day cycle, so I'm sure I'd have obvious symptoms before I even thought to test. Nausea is normal for me, but throwing up isn't. Heartburn isn't normal, but sore bbs are. I'm already bloated from the prometrium--I've looked a couple months pg for years now But this will all work in my advantage if I do get pg in the next few months. I don't want to tell anyone until DH gets a job. The family, instead of being excited for us, will feel sorry for us and worry. That is NOT how I want my baby to come into the world. I want them to be positive and excited and happy. So I think that, even if I have symptoms, that I won't test until it's obvious to even DH and MIL that I'm pg. And I don't have to tell anyone besides DH and I may be able to convince him to be quiet about it for awhile, although I doubt it. But his excitement will be contagious, and I'll just have to tell people to be happy for us.
I'm actually really glad to have the surprise element if I get pg. I missed that possibility when I was charting. I always wanted that surprise. I didn't get the surprise wedding proposal so maybe I will get the surprise BFP! Plus, I really want to get pg before our one-year anniversary/one year of trying. Even with the fear of DH being unemployed. He'll get a job, and we'll be fine. I have to have faith. If I'm not pg by the time I start looking for work I'll be doubly sad--sad that I have to work and sad that I'm not pg since that means that something is really wrong. I don't want to work to get pg. But I know that I may have to. I had been thinking about going on clomid next spring, but now I don't know when we'll be able to afford it. I'll need to save up for three months before we start the clomid to be able to afford three months of treatment. Even if we can afford it sooner, I don't want to go on it before January since it's hard to get doctor appointments for u/s during November and December. Their holiday schedules are more important than our fertility to them. But I hope I'm pg before January!
The nursery already looks really good. It's all in blue by default--all of the left-over stuff is blue since I like that color so much. If it's a girl then no big deal. I'll just get new curtains and a new light shade for the lamp. It would be neat to have two matching sets: one for girls and one for boys. I have a pretty butterfly hanging decoration that a friend made for me, and some other pretty things that would be good for either gender, too, like some white plaster angels and a pretty ivory box. I want the room, except for a few details, to be gender-neutral so it's not too expensive to change for the next baby (should that happen). I have a crate with some kid stuff in there, like stuffed animals and some baby stuff from Pottery Barn kids that we got with a wedding gift card. All we'll need for the nursery when I get pg (if I get pg) is a crib and changing table plus the random baby stuff like diaper genie and so on. I also have a rocking chair that my mom rocked me in and a pretty little side table with an antique blue lamp. I really feel like that room holds my dreams right now. I want to close the door and just let them incubate. How weird am I?
DH and I went back and forth on just letting it happen last night, and we ended up decided to just not worry about it. I have only O'd twice in nine months of marriage, and one of those was on clomid. I'm on a very long period now, over ten days, and most of the time the cycle following a three-month cycle isn't all that fertile anyway. If I was regular we would try to avoid, but trying to avoid would be so difficult for me. I can have fertile CM for weeks on end and nothing happen, which would mean all that abstinence for what turns out to be nothing. Plus, we need all the comfort we can get now, with the stress we're under and we don't have much self-control. I told DH that I don't want to go to all that trouble to avoid just to cave when I actually O and all that charting work be for nothing. What I'll probably do is just be aware on my own as far as the CM goes (after charting so long it's impossible not to know) and just not BD on those days and soon afterwards.
I was moping last night, and realized two things. I have to trust in God alone and I take too much for granted. Every married person comes to the point where they realize that their spouse can't provide for all their needs. They then either take control and make themselves and their family miserable or they turn it over to God and trust in Him. The fact is, yes, I'm disappointed that DH lost his job. I can blame him and rush into a job of my own. Or I can trust that God will use DH and others to provide for us and relax at least a little. I need to trust DH but trust IN God.
As for gratitude, here are some of the things I take for granted:
Being married. I mean, how long did I want to fall in love? And now I don't even appreciate it sometimes.
Having a house. There are millions of homeless people, and millions more who are in horrible apartments or crumbling houses. Yes, it's very scary. I'm scared we'll lose it and our credit will be ruined and we won't find a place that will rent to us. This is technically possible but not something I need to worry about for a long time. I need to appreciate our house even though I'm still adjusting to the commitment and responsibility.
Our dog. We still haven't brought him home but it's something to look forward to.
Very important: our family. We have it good. We have loved ones who we get along with, have fun with, and who would do anything to make sure we are OK. So many people don't have that.
Our friends. We have a wonderful fellowship with people who would do anything they could to help us when we need it. They are so supportive.
Our parish. We are so blessed with a great pastor and active ministries, not to mention dynamic worship and the freedom in this country to worship as we see fit.
We aren't broke. We're going to be OK, even with no income and a mortgage and other bills. DH was smart enough to make sure we're OK for a little while.
So I could feel sorry for myself and mope, or I could remember that God is good and blessed are the poor. And we aren't poor compared to the majority of the world. So I need to get over myself and support DH whoever he is meant to be. We may never match our friends and family in the size of our house or the opportunities they can give their kids. But we are blessed in the ways God wants for us now. I have to trust that. I have to let DH work out his career on his own. I can't be down on him even if I disagree at times where he wants to go at work. He has to figure that out on his own.
A woman on the forum, who I have been following in a sense from the beginning of my time here, just got her BFP. She had so many problems, and it finally happened for her. The reason I bring it up is that, in the back of my mind, for some unknown reason, I always felt like, when she gets her's it will be time for me to get mine. I have no clue why. Maybe because I felt like we had stuff in common (I can't even say what) and because she seemed like such a nice, level-headed woman, and because her health situation fertility-wise seemed worse-off than mine. Kind of a "if she can get pg than I can get pg" thing--which is ridiculous because God alone determines who gets pg when. Healthy women can take what seems like forever and women with lots of problems can get pg the first time they try, or even on bcp. Anyway, so it kind of woke me up in a way, that she got pg. I'm glad for her, but it makes me wonder what I really want for myself. Even though, at first, I felt like it was my turn, I wasn't as excited as I should be. I guess I'm preoccupied right now.
I had a great visit with my cousin. We have so much in common! I learned about cloth diapers and I decided that is what we're going to do. Diapers are gross and expensive no matter what, but at least we will save money in the long run and it is much better for the environment. I'm not an environmentalist, but those disposable diapers are so bulky that it would make me feel guilty each time I put one on the baby.
In addition to some practical stuff about babies, I learned a lot by watching her discipline her child. At first, when she told me she spanked her child often, I had a bad picture in my mind. I know that I had some anger management issues (that have been long resolved now) when I first started teaching. I never felt like hitting a child, nor did I ever come close, but I yelled and made a fool of myself. I also knew that, if I spanked a child while angry, it would be tempting to hit too hard. Therefore I had decided that I would never spank so I never opened the door to going too far. However, she was so consistent. She didn't wait to get angry before she disciplined her baby. And her "spankings" weren't even painful. It was more the tone of voice (controlled yet unhappy, stern) and the knowledge that she was unhappy that stopped her child. Basically she was training her child and he, only 14 months, learned quickly. I hope that I can be that consistent with my children someday. He is a happy baby and she is a happy mom. Dad is peaceful as well.
I also learned about different kinds of homemade cleansers that I'm going to start using when we use up what we have. My cousin is as close to a hippy as you can get without crossing the line. She choses the practical stuff that saves money and is effective. I learned that peppermint oil is an ant deterrent if we have ant problems, which is quite likely when we put out the dog food and water. On a related note, we changed most of the light bulbs today to energy-efficient ones, and the electrician is coming tonight to install the rest of the light fixtures.
That house is really coming along. The furniture is all put together and placed and the to-do list is almost finished. There are some things I want to buy for the house but nothing that can't wait until DH gets a job (or I get a job). We have everything for the dog out and ready, and the baby gates are up. The plumber is coming soon to fix the leaks with the fixtures that we have purchased. Unfortunately we don't have much money left to pay them so we're going to be over on the repair budget. I just hope we can get by until the severance check comes.
I'm really tired but that is good considering it is late evening and I got up early. We brought the dog home and it's been quite an event so far. The dog had fleas. So gross! I hated not even being able to hold him because it was so disgusting. However, we did a lot to take care of the problem. We "bombed" the house with a fogger, sprayed the yard with an insecticide, and gave him a bath in a gentle dish soap to kill the fleas. Then I combed him with a flea comb and we left while the fogger did its thing. We took Toby to a friend's house and we all had a relaxing afternoon. I called the vet and they gave me a pill for today that killed the fleas on him, and we're going to get him on a flea treatment at his vet appointment Monday.
It was so nice once we got him cleaned up. He is such a sweet dog. Having a puppy when I've never had a dog before is surprisingly overwhelming. I keep making what I know are mistakes, like rearranging his furniture and changing my mind as to where I want him to go to the bathroom. We decided, though, to take him outside, and DH is currently waiting for him to go outside. We also got the furniture the way we want it. I figure the past 24 hours are a bust since he is overwhelmed as it is. I can't imagine any creature learning anything while itching with fleas, changing homes, and then we added the trauma of baths and taking him to not just one other house but the in-laws, too. It's amazing how that dog just stays so sweet and even-tempered. I've already learned so much, like how if he's whining while we eat I can just ignore him and he'll stop. I've learned how to deal with pests, and how to get him down. DH and I are in agreement that we don't want him on the furniture unless he's in one of our laps. We also plan to keep him in his crate all day until he's housebroken. Yesterday and today were crazy but we'll get him on a schedule starting tomorrow. Part of it is that I don't know his limits, like how much he will eat, how often he is hungry, and how often and when he needs to go to the bathroom. I know he doesn't like baths, but that I can bathe him by myself.
One really cool thing was that he settled down considerably regarding traveling in his kennel. The first trip yesterday he threw up and freaked out. He did the same thing when we went to our friend's house. However, on the way home from there he laid down and was calm after just a few minutes of whining--and no throwing up. He immediately calmed down for the next two car rides. He's learning that the kennel does not mean bad things all the time. He had a great time at my friend's house, and he got some positive attention at the in-laws. During our dinner he whined a little at first but soon settled down to sleep in his kennel once he realized that we were ignoring him. My in-laws really got a kick out of meeting him and he was good once he settled down. MIL loves her grand-furbaby already!
I'm a little nervous about leaving him alone for awhile tomorrow but hopefully it will be OK. We'll have to leave him alone with a pad to pee on.
As for the house, it's coming along so well. The plumber is done and we have no leaks for now. It didn't even cost as much as I expected, especially since we're going to return all the fixtures we bought for him to install. He said that it would be best to just fix the ones we have rather then risk taking them off. We'll get back almost half of what we paid him when we return all that stuff. The best part is that I think we've bought all the stuff we absolutely need for the house that I know of. I have a growing list of all the stuff I want to get soon, but it's all stuff that can wait until we have income again. For now, though, the furniture is in place, the light fixtures are all attached and working, and the plumbing is in working order. We have a home! Once we get the puppy trained we'll be all set. Whew, I'm tired! What a day! I'm sure bringing baby home is even more overwhelming, and you have to add the physical stress of going into labor! At least both puppies and babies sleep a lot. Toby slept most of the day and I found myself relax considerably each time he settled down.
Toby had an accident on the carpet today, but at least it was close to his entryway. On the up side, though, he's getting much better about going outside. We have to learn how to train him to tell us he needs to go, but at least he's getting more comfortable in our yard. We also decided to not leave the house for a trip today after all. I didn't really want to go since I'm so tired and not in the mood to travel yet again, and we didn't want to have to start at square one with the house-breaking routine. We're going to a friend's place but they said we can bring him with us which will hopefully be fun. We'll have to keep him either out in their yard or in the kennel but they have a dog, too, so it's cool. They were so sweet to invite us to bring him without us asking. They said they knew they liked to bring their dog with them a lot when theirs was a puppy so they understood. That concept is new to me. I grew up with cats and you don't just bring your cat with you. But I really enjoy bringing Toby along. People seem so happy around him.
It was fun playing with him this morning. We took lots of pics of the house and the dog to share with family. He was so active! We left him out too long, though, since it was after playing that he peed on the carpet. I'm going to work on letting him play in the house for a shorter time so that he'll have to let me know he needs out. He's good about being quiet in his crate unless we're eating, and even then he gets quiet fairly quickly. That's good because right now his whine is the only indication he needs anything. This animal doesn't bark at all. Maybe that's normal for puppies? It's great, just surprising. He does, however, do this weird howl/growl/whine thing. Sounds like he's constipated Another reason to keep him in the crate is because we have to watch him constantly. He moves fast and is mouthing a lot. I'm afraid he's going to chew wires or randomly mess since it's hard to know what is the "I need to go out" pacing and what is just playing and exploring our house. I'm glad, though, that it's very easy to redirect him with his toys.
I'm worried about him scratching himself a lot, and I thought yesterday that it meant he still had fleas. However, the book we got says it's likely just the flea saliva in his skin that is making him itch. I put a spray on him that is supposed to reduce the itch and it seems to help a little. He also has too much gunk in his eyes. I'm sure that the vet can help with both of those issues and I don't think that either of them are serious.
Here is the schedule for now (will be changed frequently until we figure out what the heck we're doing):
let it out asap in the morning. Thank goodness he was able to hold it all night with no accidents.
Train it/review training after it goes to the bathroom for maybe 10 minutes if the weather is decent.
Feed it and crate it.
Let it outside a couple hours later or when it whines. Let it play for a little bit, then take it outside just in case.
Crate it for lunch.
Take it out, then brush it/play/train/walk. Take out just in case, crate again for dinner.
Feed it again at around 6 or so, take it out.
Crate it, take it out before we go to bed.
I have to admit that, as long as this is so new to us, I'm glad we're both home and able to concentrate on training him and getting us all settled. I can't imagine doing this on my own or even more with having a full-time job outside the home. So DH's getting fired was good timing if there was such a thing.
I am so frustrated with the dog, but training any creature takes a lot of patience. I just keep remembering that training a child will be so much harder so I need to be strong. He keeps whining. The breeder let it run wild around the house. We are crate training it, and it is whelping and whining and groaning a lot now. Thank goodness we aren't in our apartment and doing this. We ignore it each time it makes those noises, and I'm praising it when it stops. Yesterday it slept a lot, but today it is wide awake. I hope our neighbors don't hear it. I bet they do--this dog is getting loud!
I also have a confession to make. I've been looking up info on our Cavalier and the pictures kept ringing a bell. Then I looked at our breeder's contract that we signed when we paid the deposit and I realized my dumb mistake. It isn't a cavalier at all. It's a cocker spaniel. We paid all that money for a cocker spaniel. I specifically didn't want one because you have to be so careful about the breeders. My mom's friend had one and they had so many problems with it. They have been bred for so long that now many cockers have bad health problems and are hard to train. Well-bred cockers can be great but I was in such a hurry and so stressed out about money that I figured the CKCS breed would be enough to make up for my concerns. I though I was getting a great deal on the kind of dog that I wanted that I could let things slide. I looked up info on cockers and all the book said was that is has to be groomed professionally (which I wanted to avoid for the most part). Nothing about being good with kids (a must), just that they can be hard to train (a definite no).
I know I sound like a snob. But having a dog when you know nothing from experience is overwhelming and I feel cheated. I told the breeder that I wanted a Cavalier and that I knew she bred Cavaliers. I feel like I had gone to a Toyota dealer, bought a Toyota for a great deal, and looked under the hood to see an engine for another car entirely. She should have told me from the first that she breeds cocker spaniels.
Not reading the contract was the biggest dumb thing but there were other things. Not getting a receipt for the cash payment was another, then not visiting their home (well, insisting we be invited and then walking away when we weren't, I mean). We also should have looked at the dog when we put him in the carrier. DH went by himself but I wouldn't have thought of these things even if I had been there. If we had thought about that and seen the fleas we would at least have known.
I feel so incredibly dumb. If I had read that contract completely I would not have continued with the adoption. I wanted to do my homework and choose carefully since DH and I don't know much about dogs. And there were so many signs that I should have paid more attention to. When I first saw the pictures of the mom I thought she looked different but the dad seemed to match the breed pictures. This dog is cute now but it may grow up to look more like the mom, who isn't so cute. And I should have been more picky about visiting the home where the dogs live. I bet I would have picked up on the fleas if I did that! I would have realized they were out of control as well. We should have gone to the pound after all. We'd have the same problems but we wouldn't have paid so much for them. We didn't pay nearly as much as we could have from another breeder, so it could be worse.
On the plus side, the dog was good last night at our friend's house. We kept him either on a lease outside or in the kennel inside (during dinner). He didn't jump on anyone and he was good with their dog. Their dog actually growled at Toby, and Toby backed off and left teh dog alone after that (they rarely take the dog out so the dog isn't used to other dogs and was attacked by a dog when it was younger so it's scared to begin with). Some dogs would growl back so I'm glad that Toby did what he did. And Toby is great with our friend's baby, too. So if we can train him it should be OK. He only chews his toys right now (he's very carefully watched so he never has the chance), and we're learning his body language better. He did mess on our tile dining room, but it didn't stain at all and we just moved it outside to help him associate that with our yard.
I have settled down some since my last post. I decided today that, even though Toby isn't the dog I wanted, I'm bound and determined to do the best I can for the dog I have. I prayed and prayed that God would send us the best dog for our family and I have to trust that Toby is that dog. God knows better then us, anyway. And by the best it doesn't mean that we won't have problems. Maybe a problem dog IS the best dog for our family for some mysterious reason that only God knows. But Toby is the dog we have and that's how it's going to go.
The breeder emailed back and explained the flea situation. She said she brought him to a park and he probably got the fleas there. She said she gave him a flea bath and that she doesn't like to treat them because our vet might give them a different treatment. I think she should have treated him (but that would have cost her money ) and just put a note in the shot record she gave me. I'm still mad but there is no point in dwelling on it.
Back to Toby being good for our family, I have to say that DH and I are barely fighting now. I'm too busy to pick on him for stupid stuff, and we finally have a project that we are both passionate about succeeding at. We aren't competitive because it takes the both of us to train him. We have to work together to not confuse the dog. I'm becoming less selfish, if only just a little. So Toby is the best dog for us.
He is also driving me a little less crazy today. He's already whining for shorter amounts of time and slowly accepting his crate. I'm also trying to give him more attention while he's in the crate and letting him loose a little longer at a time. I also made meal-time easier for us both by putting his food in his crate. Now I don't have to worry about him messing on the tile floor in-between bites. I would pull on his leash to keep him near his food bowl and I realized that probably made it hard for him to eat. I just have to remember to take him out about 30 minutes afterwards! Also, there have been no accidents yet today. I need to be grateful for the small (and not-so-small) things. Best of all, he was so good at the vet's office. He is so gentle. No barking or biting. Just a yelp when he got his shot, no surprise. I do need to work on him trying to nip me, though. That has got to stop right away. I mostly deal with it by redirecting him with a toy, but a book I read recommended closing his mouth just long enough for it to be uncomfortable for him and saying No. Hopefully we can end that before it gets to be a problem!
Gotta go, I'm taking Toby to the pet store to socialize him and pick up yet more supplies. Whew, he is expensive.
ETA: I've been so busy with the dog that I haven't been paying as much attention to my body, but I'm going to have to go to the doctor tomorrow. I had hoped to not have to go to the gyn for awhile since I'm not TTC, but I'm on day 18 of AF and it's not lightening up. It's light flow, but bright red and brown. It's so annoying wearing pads for that many days. I hope it's just my uterus shedding the large amount of build-up over a three-month anno cycle. The weird part is that my AF was soo heavy after my clomid cycle so there shouldn't be so much bleeding. However, it's been light this whole time. The last time I had anno bleeding it was really heavy since it had been so long since I'd had a period. In addition, the last time I had a long AF I had a healthier cycle afterwards. So maybe this is a good thing. I just hope it ends soon! I just couldn't handle yet another problem with my reproductive system. Even if we could afford it, I'm overwhelmed enough as it is. Heck, even if I do have a problem, unless it's dangerous I'm not going to deal with it now. But I hope they don't find anything.
I went to the doctor and, while the dr spent barely any time with me, I don't think it's too serious. I'm just going to let my body get itself straightened out. She prescribed provera but I just threw it away. All that will do is make me feel miserable and cranky for three weeks and then bring on yet another AF. No thanks! At least I'm not feeling as nauseous now.
It is so weird, but a part of me was still hoping that the bleeding was because I was pg. I mean, am I delusional? The blood was often bright red, and I never had a thermal rise indicative of O. But, despite all that, all it took was a little nausea and my hopes were raised. When the nurse said that my test was negative I got surprisingly depressed. I'm still a little upset. I wish I could put my desire for pg in a box on my bookshelf until I was ready to get pg. I wish TTC didn't have such a strong effect on me. I'm sure God has given me this urge for a reason and I hope He provides if we actually do get pg before DH gets a job.
Today is a pretty good day. The weather is beautiful here, and I took Toby for a short walk outside. Having him was always meant to be an excuse for me to go outside, and I have to say I haven't been disappointed. He did pretty well staying with me but we're still working on him coming each and every time he's called. He did, however, do much better about walking next to me on his leash instead of dragging or pulling so much. He seemed to enjoy himself and afterward he let me hold for him in my lap a little longer than usual. I felt better about having him here then I have been.
Another good thing is that he's not whining nearly as much. I realized that giving him attention while he is in his crate is actually counterproductive and now the most I do is look at him and tell him he's being good. I also realized that he doesn't need to go out as much during the day as I thought. So far he's gone more of the times that we've taken him out today then yesterday. Of course yesterday the bad weather freaked him out and he didn't want to go hardly at all. Mostly, though, I don't feel so cooped up with him like I did at first. I feel more comfortable leaving him for longer. I don't worry that he will mess his crate--he's able to hold it longer than all the books I've read say he can, and he won't go in there no matter how much he needs to. He did have an accident today on the carpet but it was one of the easier-to-clean ones and we almost caught him in time. The important thing is that we did catch him right away and he finished outside.
I'm also happy because we aren't going to have to pay taxes. I was getting worried that we would because our financial situation was strange last year. It even seems like we'll get some back even. That's a relief since we need all the help we can get right now.
DH is still job-hunting, and now I'm feeling settled enough here to be comfortable with him being away at an office. Ironically, many of the jobs he's looking into will have him at home in our office, but I'll still need to be more independent and leave him alone to work. I think I'm ready for that now. I feel like I can get more done now as Toby whines less and I know I can leave him for longer, even several hours as long as I take him outside for a bit before I leave. Plus, the house is pretty-much done and I'm starting to get back into my old routine but with the changes brought on by the house. Many of the changes are positive, like me having a patio to sit in while I say the Rosary. I love saying it outside and now I can comfortably as long as it isn't too cold.
Another really cool thing is that I got my library card today. I'm such a kid--I was really happy. I brought home several books although I don't know how many of them I'll actually finish. I'm a picky reader. It was so cool, though, to make that step. I feel like more of a citizen in my suburb now then before. Especially since this town is my DH's hometown, but the library is my thing for the most part. I can't wait to take our kids there to play during hot summer days. I may even try to get a job there if I'm not pg by July. I love libraries.
My AF started actually feeling like AF yesterday. I'm feeling like I'm nesting, and I'm having the normal AF cravings as well as being tired and sleeping very well at night. The lovely endorphins are kicking in and I am a very content woman. Hopefully this is a sign that my 21-day-and-counting AF is going to end soon. It's gotten heavier so I'd guess that it will end in seven days or less. I can only hope!