I can't believe I'm posting twice in one day. Good grief. But this is an exciting time in our life so I'm glad to be chronicling it. Someday I'll miss this time when everything is so new and full of hope. OK, maybe miss is a strong word. Nostalgia is probably better. I hope I don't forget the stress that goes with it, but we always do.
Anyway, I've come to a realization with DH's job search. I'm a lot more open minded then I was the first time he lost his job while we were engaged. I had so many demands, like not much traveling, and that he didn't work too much over-time, and so on. I wanted a family man who earned a great salary, got great benefits, and came home before dinner every night and was excited to go to work every morning. One year later, and I told DH that I still wanted him to enjoy his work. However, I told him that if he needed to work 60 hours a week, or if he didn't get great benefits, or if he needed to travel some, it's OK. I told him that I wanted him to really discern this time instead of settling like he did the last time he was job-hunting after the lay-off. I told him to think about whether or not he wanted to be a "suit" or not (great benefits and salary but he wouldn't fit in, not him). I told him to think about how much risk he could handle, and how much uncertainty he could handle and how he would deal with it when they expected him to know something he didn't know yet.
Thing is, as much as I want certainty, there is none in the career world. Not for DH especially, with his industry. I told him that all I really wanted was enough money in the bank to not have to borrow from his parents and the option of delivering a baby (should we be so blessed with a healthy pg) in a hospital if I want instead of at home like I'm probably going to go with. I also want him to make enough money for us to keep this house and pay our bills and not worry when I go to the grocery store as long as I'm being reasonable with our choices. To me, right now, that is luxury. And, you know, not long after I told him that, not only was I rewarded by the look of relief in his eyes but I was also thrilled to receive not just his severance check but his unemployment check in the mail. I think God was telling us that He would provide.
I really do want my DH to figure out (to the best of his ability) where he wants to be. He won't fit in just anywhere. And I may have to give up my dream of being like some of our friends with their big houses and awesome cars. Our kids may very well resent us for not being able to provide what our friends can provide for their kids. But it's too early to worry about that now--we don't even have kids to provide for!
I felt better telling DH that, that I'll accept where he wants to go and how he chooses to get there. I want him to be confident and he couldn't be confident if he thought I needed him to be a certain kind of person and he wasn't. Even if he's not who I thought I wanted or even who I want, God knows best. At least I know where DH is coming from. When I didn't get the job I interviewed for at a big company I was secretly relieved. I wouldn't fit in there either. Neither DH or I are that savvy. We're too nice. We're both hard workers but we don't see the signs of trouble or know what to do about it so we lose our jobs. He's more of an innovator and I'm more of a plodder. He spends more time looking into new ideas than focusing on his assigned task if he's bored. He needs to either find a job where he'll be less bored (and probably not at a big company since there he would be doing the repetitive stuff) or curb that tendency. Me, I like the repetitive stuff, go figure. I just want him to be happy (and, yes, for the bills to get paid).
Today is kinda difficult but I'm trying to be positive. A friend of mine just had her baby this morning and I just found out that another friend is pregnant. At least I'm pretty sure she is but it's still speculation at this point. She didn't want to get pregnant for quite awhile from what I understand because of work issues. So part of me wants to feel sorry for myself. I have a now 27-day AF and there are babies everywhere. However, I decided to think about all the good things about God not blessing me with a baby or a pregnancy yet:
I was able to visit my cousin and get to know her husband and baby.
I'm able to go visit my other cousin who's expecting and help her out as well as meet her sister's husband and baby.
I had the time and energy and money to house-hunt and care for our puppy.
I can totally support DH at this difficult time.
DH doesn't have the stress of knowing a baby is coming with this job hunt--he has the freedom to look for a job that really suits him w/o the pressure of being a dad.
I can go to my cousin's wedding in July and have fun and support her on her important day as well as catch up with her siblings and parents who I haven't seen in many years. We wouldn't have the time or money to do that with a baby.
I can focus on others and be a good friend without talking about my baby all the time.
I can job-hunt and make some extra money for when we either do have a baby or decide to adopt.
After supporting lots of other moms I'll hopefully get lots of support when it is finally my turn. Regardless, I'll have lots of women to learn from!
I've connected with family members who understand my fertility problems, both aunts and cousins, that I may not have connected with otherwise.
My faith in God has grown because I've been humbled by not getting what I wanted when I wanted and there's not much more I can do about it but wait.
I'm getting more patient and less desparate.
I'll appreciate this baby and the pains of pregnancy/adoption way more now then I would had I gotten pregnant right away.
We can bring our baby home to a house that we had time to fix up.
DH and I have built a stronger relationship in our time together with just the two of us.
I've had time to process the wedding and being married and had time to relax between events.
I've had time to be home alone in peace and quiet (at least I did in the apartment and will at the house as soon as DH gets a job). I've had time to enjoy being young and married. I've also had time to adjust to being home by myself so being a SAHM won't be as much of an adjustment.
Lots of fun BDing with my new husband before getting a pg belly
If I get the job I applied for then I'll be able to make some money in a decent job to prepare for baby even if I get pg soon.
I'm more compassionate and less judgmental.
I don't have to worry yet about everything that could go wrong. Neither do I have to make all those big decisions like whether or not to have a homebirth.
If we had gotten pg during my clomid cycle we'd be in big trouble now because of DH losing his job. We'd have to pay all that money every month for Cobra plus all those medical expenses for the prenatal visits.
I'm sure there are plenty of other positives. Yeah, I still feel sorry for myself. But there's a time for everyone. My time will come.
I found out for sure that my friend is expecting. I'm happy for her and they're going to have a beautiful baby. I'm glad to be in a group of friends who welcome new life with such abundance.
However, I'm feeling very abandoned by God right now. My period is getting heavier--so heavy today that I had to ask DH to make lunch. I just couldn't stand up that long I feel like God forgot to flip the switch that stops the bleeding. Add to that DH's dwindling lead list and repeated rejections and I feel like we're both kinda forgotten right now. I've heard that, when you feel most abandoned by God, the closer He is. It's like you're standing in thick fog and you really want to find something that is so close you can almost reach out and touch it but it seems miles away. I know that something will cause that fog to lift and I'll be so grateful to God. For right now, though, I just want to scream. I want to be able to build up our savings again. I want to go to the doctor and just get checked out. I don't want to worry about pregnancy being a pre-existing condition (even though I know that's not supposed to happen). I want DH out of the house so I can have my space-although I have to admit I'm getting used to it and it could even be fun years later when we're both retired. I want DH to be confident and moving forward in his career. Things seem so stalled out.
On the plus side, DH didn't mind about making my lunch and has been really sweet about this whole thing. And the dog has been really good yesterday and today. I think he is getting used to the schedule we've put him on. Plus, when he does whine, it doesn't bother me so much. That's in part to learning what sets him off instead of it seeming quite so random and unpredictable. Having a puppy is becoming more of a joy so that's wonderful. The house is good, too. I don't worry about what will go wrong next. I also realized last night while on the phone with an old friend that I'm much more laid-back about clutter here. I was insane at the apartment because on thing on the floor was so obvious. However, here, a little clutter isn't so bad. I can still concentrate because the room as a whole still looks nice. So there are some great things that I can appreciate despite feeling down in general. I feel like this AF and DH's unemployment will never end and we'll lose everything. But I need to trust that things will change, maybe even soon.
Today is one of those crappy days. The water heater isn't working, I haven't had lunch or even a shower yet (no hot water), the phone line is broken for the third time in a month, and we had to pay a ton of extra money for our home security system even though we're already paying extra each month for the maintenance plan (total waste of money, BTW). And we're in a two-year contract so there isn't a whole lot we can do since we signed for it already. We wouldn't have had to pay hardly anything extra for the security system if the phone people had done the repairs they should have done months ago. Plus we found out the phone company had lied to us when we signed up for the plan that we were getting the cheapest plan they had. At least I found this out now instead of months from now. We only had to pay the extra amount this once, plus they are reimbursing us for the time without a working phone line. Even more annoying is that there is no way to know how often we're going to be without a phone. They say they're going to do a more permanent fix but we won't know until this happens again. That means that, in the meantime, I have to call to report them which just takes more time and hassle. At least our home monitoring will be extra-secure, but good grief. On top of that we're having trouble with our garage door that we can't afford to fix until DH gets a job. We knew this problem would happen eventually but why now?
DH has a job interview today but he wasn't even very excited about it because it's a technology he doesn't want to work in. For his industry that's a big deal. At least it's good interview practice and he may pick up good questions to ask or something. Still, all in all, this is a crappy day.
Yeah, I'm still on AF. Day 32...
...OK, it's several hours later, at the end of the day. Things actually turned out much better than I expected. I realized that I wasn't trapped with the phone company and that paying for the satellite-type thing for the home-security system wasn't such a bad thing after all. All we have to do, if this keeps up, is to cancel our landline and just use our cell phones instead. The land line costs so much more in the suburbs then it did in the city, and the sound quality is horrible even when it's not busted. We could save money by not even paying for the land line. I figure that, since more and more people are using just a cell phone that, by the time we sell this house, the home-security device will either be standard or it will be a great benefit. We can tell potential buyers that they don't have to have a land line to use the security system, or that, if the land-line is cut (OK, this isn't a movie, but you never know) the system would still work. So the phone issue doesn't have to continue to be a problem. We can cancel it as soon as DH gets a job if they don't fix the problem permanently this next time. The best way to get through to the phone company is to take away their customer!
While I don't think we can get the garage-door taken care of anytime soon I decided I would call around and see if I can get a cheap or free estimate and find a professional company to fix it later. At least this way I don't have to worry about it since, every time I do that, the fear is so much worse than the reality. It's a pretty minor issue now so maybe it won't be so much after all. Or, if it is, at least we'll know and can plan for it once DH gets a job.
As for the water heater, it's getting fixed tomorrow.
Best of all, the job interview actually went really well. They are going to look for a job that DH wants (they're basically consultants). They may not have anything soon and they told DH to keep looking but that, if he finds something, to let them know. They really seem to want to hire him, and DH liked that they specifically said they would meet him where he is instead of trying to make him into someone he's not. This company was nice to DH the last time he was job-hunting but it just didn't work out. I don't want to get my hopes up too high but I would be so happy if this was really it. Insurance coverage starts the first day! How cool would that be! We'll be so down if they don't call back soon or if it turns out to be a bad company after all. But it's so nice to have some hope finally, even if it's just for a day or two.
More good news, if minor: my AF seems to be tapering off just a little. The blood is mostly dark instead bright red, and it's much thinner and I don't even feel like I'm on my period. I've used fewer pads today than I did yesterday and even fewer still then the day before. I really hope and pray that my AF is ending for real. If it gets heavy again though, or if it's still bleeding significantly by Monday then my MIL told me she would take me to a good gyn that she goes to and that she'd pay for it. I really hope it doesn't come to that but I have to be humble enough to accept help since she's getting worried. At least my DH doesn't have to have the burden of that cost on his mind right now. I felt like we should pay for it since we're adults and responsible but she said that she'd do the same for her daughter and I know she's right. I am so blessed to have a generous MIL. And I know my mom would do the same thing. I need to appreciate those women more. I really don't want to go to the doctor, though. I'm afraid of what they'll find, or that they'll push hormones on me. I just want my body to take care of it.
Training yesterday with Toby went pretty well. It's confusing at times but I was making it more complicated like I usually do. We're using clickers which is another thing to remember and annoying but it seems to work. We're focusing on associating the clicker with treats and then doing basic commands that the dog already knows as well as the simple one of getting the dog to make eye-contact with you. We also decided to narrow down the part of the yard that he can use and it's made our trips outside much faster since he doesn't wander all over the yard to find the perfect spot. We're going to use less treats since he barely picked at his food but we want him to get used to them and connect them to good behavior even if he pigs out too much on them now. We're also making the leash tighter anytime we walk with him, even if it's to go outside. He has to walk by our side instead of running ahead like we've been letting him do. If he runs ahead he hurts his own throat but if he walks calmly by us then it's comfortable for us both. I'm getting quite an upper-body workout! I hate to see him strain but I know he has to accept us as master and he will learn. He's already getting better and walking more today (as opposed to trying to run ahead) and I just started doing this last night! He's so smart and, yeah, manipulative, too. We have to stay two steps ahead of him. But I would be bored with a dumb dog.
He hasn't gone in the house in several days and I feel like I can trust him more. He's so cute; when I work on the computer while he's playing he'll occasionally come up to me and, when I pick him up to pet him in my lap, he'll jump down after just a few tummy rubs and get back to playing. He's like a little kid that needs a little love and reassurance before running back outside. I'm learning how to play with him without getting him so riled up. I was also thrilled when he did fetch perfectly tonight when I had treats. Go figure, he'll fetch the ball no matter what but, if I don't have a treat, he'll just gnaw at it instead of dropping it for me. At least I know he can do it perfect and I was able to reward him profusely for doing it right to reinforce it. He'll learn that, when he does it right, he'll get to play more.
Also, he's whining less and less. If he gets in a barking jag we'll spray the air in front of him with anti-chew spray and he calms right down. If he's being inconsistent and whining really loud for attention then I'll pull the sheet over his crate so he can't see us. Either action is a way to calm him down and punish him without anger. It sure beats the muzzle thing which the trainer said could provoke the dog and, sure enough, works inconsistently. After all, I have to be really angry to do that and that anger gets him riled up or scares him, neither of which is good for bonding. Pulling the sheet down is much more effective and not a power struggle. We've been able to watch several movies at night lately without having to pause it for his noisy interruption. And yesterday, when we ate at the in-laws, he barely made a sound despite us eating steak with bacon and him being in the other room but within eye-contact. Talk about torture for a dog!
I'm glad I'm learning things about teaching discipline. I'm learning how to punish calmly when rewards are not a practical alternative, and how to let him make the choice to be comfortable our way or uncomfortable his way when, again, rewards are not practical. I'm learning how to give consistent demands and reward them consistently, and how to praise generously. I'm learning to have high standards and give clear limits even when it seems too strict at first. It's so much easier to learn this now with DH then when we have kids!!! Sometimes it's just draining and sometimes it's fun, a challenge to teach him to behave. DH are finally on the same side and our dog really does seem happier and more peaceful. He knows what to expect and we try not to let him down. This is good for us even when it's hard or confusing.
I finally have some good news, or at least the hope of good news. The interview, as it turned out, went so well that they called him this morning and told him they want to hire him! They haven't offered him a contract, though, so it could fall apart in no time. However, if it works, he would likely get a raise and they said that health insurance begins immediately. If he does get a raise then we'll put all the "extra" money (above what we budgeted for at his last job) into savings for the next lay-off.
That sounds negative but I no longer expect a company to be our savior and take care of us. I expect them to do what they say they will but even that doesn't always happen. We are generous with our tithing but we have to take care of ourselves and not expect any job to last long. It's wonderful if it does, but we ultimately have to trust God to provide the employment that we need when we need it. I want to focus on putting money into retirement and building up the savings account within reason as well as basic home repairs. We need to get things sustainable both in our house and in our bank account. Then we can have more fun.
Best of all--AF seems to be on her way out!!! I've still got some spotting but today is the first day I'm not wearing a pad or liner. Yay! Who knew that something most women take for grated would be such a big deal? I have a really good feeling about this cycle and the next one. The last time my AF was really long I went on to have the most normal cycles I've ever had before or since. That was when I was celibate and not charting so I don't know if I O'd then but it's likely. I really hope that this past AF is the last one I have for nine months! I'm not going to chart my temps because, if I do O, I'll obsess big-time during the 2ww. I'll be aware of my CM, though, and make the most of it if it gets good. I'm not going to do anything to improve my CM, either. We'll use pre-seed when we feel like it but not for timing's sake. I want to keep JLIH and be surprised if it does.
I haven't O'd since November, and, if I do, it will be in April. Wow. One good thing about this timing is that there is no way I'll be pg when I interview for the job I want. If I do get pg I can say with total honesty that I wasn't when I interviewed for the job and therefore didn't trick them. It's a big deal to me because I would feel so bad interviewing for a job and then only keep it for less then nine months. I have every intention of being a SAHM when I have children. Yeah, it wouldn't take away the thrill of being pg but I still want to keep this job for longer then nine months if I do get it. So I can say it's a win-win for me. And I haven't even interviewed for it much less gotten it so it's too early to think about it one-way-or-the-other.
If DH gets a job soon, and I get the job, and then I get pg--wow! All of those things are still way up in the air but it's technically possible. I want to be cautiously optimistic.
I am seriously wallowing today and so angry and jealous. I'm so afraid that all our hopes will be dashed. Last night my friend who has a 1-year-old told us that she thinks she is pregnant again. It would be wonderful if she was but she talks about motherhood so much now and I know it will get much worse if she is pregnant. Last night DH and I went over to bring dinner to our friends who just had their baby. Once this other friend got there it was all babytalk, all the time. I used to like to hear it since I felt like it was preparing me for my pregnancy. Now, though, I'm fed up with it.
Plus, they both had their baby in a hospital with an epidural and great insurance to cover most of the bill. Part of me wants that and part of me wants a home birth. My cousins have all had home births and had a wonderful experience. My friends here both had great experiences in the hospital. I could go either way but it makes deciding difficult. No matter which way I go I'll get strange looks from someone I care about. My friends here are people I see each week. However, I'm much closer to my cousin. Her and I get each other. I want her at my house for the home birth. I should look at this as a win-win. Support for a hospital birth and support for a home birth. DH doesn't care either way and will support my wishes. I need to do my research when the time comes and do what feels right to me. My cousin will be there either way, I know. She's cool like that
I'm feeling so left out right now. I need to find some new friends. Not get rid of the old friends, of course, as they are kind and good Christians. I've known them for many years and like their company. However, when I first met them, none of them were moms. I wasn't even married yet. We had so much fun and we had lots in common. Those two still have a lot in common. I, however, am more and more out of the loop. Everytime the three of us get together (especially if the other moms are there) they talk about babies exclusively.
And they just don't understand me. They both got pg their first cycle trying. They, and many other of my church friends, seem to think that getting pregnant is something you can do as soon as you try. That is one downside to NFP they way we were taught, the idea that you (and anyone else practicing it) can control when they get pg, or that one mistake in trying to avoid and you'll get pg. Plus, in my group, nearly everyone uses NFP and none of us use contraception. This is great but how many of our more casual acquaintances think that we use contraception and look down on us since we don't have kids yet? Or they, like my friend's mom, probably think we've been avoiding since we promote the idea of NFP to engaged couples.
The mom meant well but it hurt so bad. Every time I went over to see the newborn she told me how great the baby looked in my arms. She knew I have been married awhile and was just trying to encourage me. If she only knew--I need encouragement to get pg like I need a hole in the head! I started trying before her daughter started trying. She, however, got pg the first cycle whereas I am still waiting. Now I avoid their house and the baby because it hurts too much.
If my other friend is pregnant then I may just drop out of the Rosary group. That is so petty of me but it hurts and the last thing I want to hear about is the progress of her pregnancy. I like her but she's not very sensitive. She knows I've been trying and that it hurts to hear about it but she carries on anyway. If we both get pregnant it will be great since I'll always have someone to get advice from. I just don't know. I can't just be her friend when it's convenient for me. That's wrong. But she doesn't hear me, doesn't listen. We have less and less in common as the months go by.
This is truly a case of "it's not her, it's me". We'd get along great if I was pregnant and not so jealous. I shouldn't let a good friend down because of my bad attitude. It's not like I'm going to have less pregnant/mother friends as I get older! I need to learn how to deal with this now because it will only get more difficult. At least they still invite me to hang out with them. Some infertile women are dropped by their friends. And hopefully, if I can't get pregnant, then as their kids get older they'll get their lives back and we'll start to have common ground again. It'll never be like it was years ago but things will level out at least a little more someday. I hope. And maybe in a month or so I'll not have to worry about it anymore!
I talked to DH and he saw what I was saying about my friend. I decided that I'll take a long break from going over to see her during the day. That is mommy time anyway and the last thing I need. I'll see her in the evenings when we are with other friends. During the week day, until I'm a mom myself, I want to focus on either getting a job or finding a ministry position.
When I am a mom I need to spend my days either alone or with other moms who I want to learn from. Every mom is different but I can't see myself being like this particular friend as much. Her style works for her but not for me. I can't explain it very well since, who knows, she may read this and be hurt. She isn't a bad mom, just different than me. Plus I've watched her for a year now. I can always call or email her with questions or ask her in the evenings. Also, her daughter is already older and I'm not even pg yet. So I need to focus my time differently during the weekday instead of spending hours at her house.
I'm hoping that by not spending time with the moms during the day I won't have as much trouble with jealousy. Whenever I see them I feel like an intruder and out-of-place. In the evenings it's a little better. I'll also be more aware of groups in which all the women there are moms already. That always is trouble for me right now. There are still some women, married or single, who aren't moms yet. If they are there then I have a chance. If not I at least know what I'm getting into. Not to say that all the moms talk about babies all the time. But some of them do and they tend to dominate the discussions.
I also talked to DH about finding some new friends in addition to the group we have. We don't have a solution yet but we both agree that it's time. We've been friends with this group since we were dating. None of them had kids yet, and just one was pregnant. Several weren't married or even engaged, same as us at the time. All us women were all working outside the home and loved a girls' night out. Things have changed so much! Now the group that shows up for Bible study is so much smaller and the discussions are different. The single people aren't even showing up for events as much, and the parents have to drop out for the most part almost as soon as they have babies.
It's not a bad change, just a sign that DH and I need to branch out. Part of not being parents yet is the availability for more ministry involvement. We could meet other couples who either don't have kids yet or who have found a way to stay involved in activities despite being parents. These are people who will have things to talk about besides their children. I want to be that kind of mom, too. Some of my friends believe that they should be with their children all the time. Maybe I'll be like that, too. And there's nothing wrong with it. But I imagine myself getting out at least sometimes. Not when the baby is a tiny infant but when the child is a little older. I mean, isn't that a huge advantage of having the in-laws close-by? However, if we aren't involved in ministry now how can we expect ourselves to be when we have kids? I've been thinking about what I want to do and haven't found any answers yet. I was interested in a crisis pregnancy center but that would be too difficult. I hope I get this church job and don't have to ask myself this question anymore!
We're having more problems with the alarm system again. It's so annoying! It goes off just fine; it's turning it off that's a problem. Thank goodness they are coming to fix it tomorrow. We've already put a lot of money into this system already. At least, when we go to sell this house, we can say with complete honesty that the system is updated and works. The new owners won't have to deal with any of this. So none of the money is wasted. That is one big advantage to owning a home!
That said, I wish I hadn't agreed to have a monitored alarm in the house insurance agreement. I feel trapped with a system that has, so far, been extremely disappointing. It seems like anything that can go wrong is going wrong. At least the important stuff in the house works! If the alarm system is the only glitch then we're doing just fine. And even as far as that's concerned I bet that, a month from now, it'll work just fine and be a habit that I don't even think about anymore. I think part of it is that I didn't have a monitored alarm growing up. It's pretty foreign to me and seems like yet another piece of technology to deal with. Plus I hate running through my house like a crazy person and dealing with the beeping. Like I said, in a month this will all seem normal to me. And it's not like we signed a lifetime contract.
DH and I just looked at baby furniture and it was fun talking about what kind of parents we want to be and how we'll work it out. I even wanted to start registering for stuff! I can only imagine how that would go over. I really feel optimistic about this cycle. I notice every little twinge in the ovary region and every tiny amount of CM. I might as well chart since I'm going to be so bummed if this cycle doesn't work out. How many women swear that this is it and then get AF? At least this time I feel truly ready in a new way. The last two times I didn't. I felt scared at the possibility of getting pg. Having a house changes a lot of that, though. We have room for the furniture and the in-laws nearby. I don't feel so much like a newlywed anymore. Further, there isn't anything big going on like before. No one else we're close to is engaged or expecting. The house hunt is over and the puppy is adjusting. At the same time, while I really want it, I can see myself more with a life without being pg right away. I have a vision for our lives without a baby. So I'm a little less desperate-feeling, too. If this isn't it I may bounce back faster and not be so depressed.
Things seem to be going better, at least in some ways. The garage door issue turned out to be really minor and it's already been fixed for less money than I expected. The alarm *should* be fixed any day now. They're just going to replace the whole panel and it won't cost us a thing.
On the job front we're still in limbo. Neither DH nor I have heard anything back about our really promising job leads from a week ago. They haven't even called us to come in to interview but they both say they want to. However, while those may or may not work out, we both have interviews coming up with other employers that we feel good about.
DH got information about yet another job opportunity that is really interesting. It's a contract that would have us move clear across the country for just under a year. We would keep our house and rent a small (OK, tiny) apartment there. We would only take stuff with us that we absolutely need, and our cheapest furniture. All of our nice stuff would be left behind. It would be quite an adventure! There are huge risks but the financial rewards would be worth it. One thing about it, though, is that I would pretty-much have to have a homebirth if I got pregnant anytime soon. We'd be on an individual health plan that has no maternity benefits. To have a baby in the nice hospital like the kind my friends used would use up all the savings we would accumulate in the upcoming year whereas mid-wives are usually much less expensive. I would also most-likely qualify for medicaid in case of complications that would require me to go to the hospital during delivery. It would be difficult to leave our friends and family but, at the same time, this seems like the right time for something like this. We've been in DH's hometown our whole relationship. It would be interesting to go somewhere neutral, somewhere that would be ours not his. Our group is in a transitional time as well. I feel like we would miss them more than they would miss us. Going somewhere new for a year could be good for us. We'd see which issues are due to being here and which are just due to us being who we are.
My cycle is strange and I'm thinking it may turn out to be anno after all but I don't know. It's been pretty dry but my libido is similar to O time. I have mild O pain but my temps are at the normal pre-O level. It's been nine days since AF ended. That's still early for me to O. I'm glad I'm temping this time just so I can know if I O. I'm going to be easy-going about it and just chart with FF on the days I remember to temp at around the right time. As soon as I O I'll stop temping. I'm also planning to finally use my progesterone cream to see if it causes bad s/e. I won't see if it keeps my temps up but I will see if I have pre-AF spotting. I'm trying to make sure we BD at least every 3-4 days since I don't have CM yet but I feel like I could O somewhat soon based on all my other symptoms. I'm impatient to O but glad to not be in the 2ww with all its anxiety and heartbreak.
I was searching the internet and found another job to apply for. I called and they set me up with an interview for Monday. I have a good feeling about it since the lady who answered the phone was really nice. It would be a low-key receptionist/office help job. I don't know the hours so that is a big question mark, but the job itself seems fine. Not terribly challenging or life-changing, but a way to make some extra money and keep myself busy. I still want the church job more but they never called. I haven't given up hope on that, yet, though, since this past week was a busy one for churches. If I don't hear back from them by next Friday, though, I'll give up.
I think that, at least subconsciously, I was expecting things to get all better because it was Easter Sunday. Where I got this I don't know. I guess I felt like it was OK to be down during lent, but Easter is the time of rebirth, of hope.
The fact is that I'm worried. Toby is sick. He had an accident in his crate last night, which isn't that major since we were taking a chance giving him too much space in his crate and a blanket. The problem is that, today, he's had bad diarrhea, even though we've given him medicine recommended on a first-aid paper from the vet. This started almost a week ago and it keeps coming back. Even that wouldn't bother me too much except that the medicine doesn't work for long and he's also scooting around despite the vet taking care of his butt glands. Does he have worms after all? Or is the butt-scoot due to the vet not doing a good job and the diarrhea just normal puppy issues from eating something weird? Is it the medicine we gave him last weekend?
Just having a sick puppy isn't the main worry. I'm confident that the problem is minor and that the vet can help. What is bothering me is all the money that we keep having to pour into the dog and the house. I knew this would happen but I didn't anticipate the job loss on top of it all. I feel so out-of-control. I need to go to my colon-rectal doctor but we can't afford it because we're paying for vet bills. That is essentially wrong but the fact is that having a puppy with recurrent diarrhea is too messy to not get treated whereas my problem can wait. Plus, part of the frustration is that we don't know what to do and how far this will go. How much treatment will this dog need? His neuter surgery is coming up soon and, because of a genetic problem, it's going to cost almost $400. I cringe thinking about how many doctor appointments I could get for that even without insurance.
Honestly, I'm not one of those people who believe that pets are like members of the family. If we genuinely needed to put down Toby I wouldn't hesitate. I won't pay for expensive surgery if it wasn't something like a neuter that we'd do for any puppy. I don't love the dog and probably never will. I like having him but I got him for the family and to keep me occupied. I like how he gives me an excuse to go for a walk even in bad weather. I like watching DH play with him. I knew DH would love having a dog and I was right. I enjoy it, too. I write all this because part of me is tempted to return him or, if they don't want him back (as per the contract) take him to the SPCA. He would be adopted in a heartbeat. He's a great dog. However, I hate to lose a great dog just because we're having money problems now. We know now that we like having a dog and that, as he gets older, he'll be more fun to have around because he will stop teething and he'll be housebroken. I don't want to give up yet. Plus we've already spent so much! Even though it's not right to spend money on a dog that should be used on human health care, my problem isn't immediate. I just need to consider it an investment for our family. We technically have the money in our bank account and, if DH were to get a job the day after giving up on Toby I would really regret it. It still stinks, though.
I'll call the vet and the groomers tomorrow and make appointments with them both. Hopefully between the two of them we'll figure out the diarrhea and the butt-scoot before the end of the week. If it's worm then we should be OK eventually since we just gave him his pill to kill/prevent all those pests.
I think I'm just frustrated with the puppy and unhappy with how much discomfort it must be in. I know it's dehydrated but I can't make it drink. He can barely control his bowels so we both get nervous when he's lose in the house. It's too cold to keep him outside. So he's stuck in his crate and we let him out whenever he gets anxious (and, sure enough, he goes to the door and goes outside to eliminate). If he's stuck in his crate he can't drink and he won't stay outside long enough to drink there, either. Plus, we fed him a little and it went right through him so he's hungry, too, but we can't get him nourished. Right now we have him in the entryway with a blanket and his toys and a water bowl. He either goes to the door or squats where he is every 5 minutes--at least cleaning the entryway is easy and he has access to water. It's the best we can do right now. There is nothing I can do to make him comfortable and I just want some time to concentrate without him either whining because he thinks he needs to go out or watching him constantly on the carpet. I also give him plenty of ice cubes which he loves so he's getting some liquids.
This is, I'm sure, really good practice for being a mom. If a puppy is a hassle and frustrating how much more would a child be?
On top of all of this is severe lower-back pain. I've had this for a little while before but never so constant and for so many days in a row. Yesterday and just now I took two Aleve. I'm glad it works but I hate taking pain medicine. I know that I must have either injured it (and taking medicine may lead to re-injury since I can't feel if I'm doing something wrong) or I'm not doing something right. The only thing I can think of is lifting Toby the wrong way. He looks like he's light-weight but he's at least 12 lbs. by now. He wiggles so much when I try to lift him that it's impossible to lift him correctly. I can't not lift him because sometimes we need to get him into his crate immediately and he won't always go on his own. DH might have to take over for awhile with making sure Toby doesn't go where he's not supposed to go. It also doesn't help that I sit on the floor with the dog or sit hunched-over on a chair to play with him. Plus I haven't done floor-mat exercises in a very long time, nor have I stretched. At least now I'm trying to stretch and it will probably help me later. I'm also walking at least once a day with the dog and briefly tried to run. I'm so out-of-shape it's pathetic. However, if I continue walking him everyday, it will help a lot. I know me--I'll walk further and further over time, and even start to run.
I've got my interview tomorrow but I realized last night that it's probably not going to be good for me after all. What was I thinking, going in for a receptionist position? I'd be so incredibly bored! I do not in any way want to sit or stand there waiting for parents and their kids to come to me asking the same boring questions. I'm an introvert and need a job where I can sit at my desk and have projects to finish in my time (quick, yes, and in deadline, just not with a million interruptions). I'm not a customer-service person and I don't want to be. BTDT and hated it. I would last only until I had everything figured out and then I'd start chafing under the fact that there wasn't any more challenges or projects for me to contribute to. I'd feel useless despite having a job to perform and I wouldn't perform that job well and my confidence would go down. I'll still go to the interview but, if it appears to be mostly customer service, then I'll tell them I'm not interested. There must be a job that works for me that I'll stick with.
My cycle is so dry right now and my temps are low, definitely pre-O. I'm on CD 44 and I'm going to temp until I CD 60, only longer if I get fertile CM around then. I have no idea if I'll O or not but, if it hasn't happened in a couple weeks then I'm giving up this cycle. There is no evidence it will happen in the next several days. I'm stressed still and I don't see that subsiding any time soon. I do hope I O before the end of the Easter season! Pentecost is May 27. I pray that DH and I have a job by then and that I've O'd. If I O once before May 27 then it will be the first O in 6 months (which is better then no O in 6 months!). I'm not even praying to get pg by Pentecost, just to O and have a chance, a genuine 2ww. I want that hope.
I was doing a lot of research today about birth options and the running theme I keep seeing is the lack of control. I've had this on my mind since before I was even married, what kind of birth I want. But the fact is that God is truly in control of that event. I've read great home birth stories and nightmarish ones. I've had friends tell me their epidural was the reason they enjoyed labor and read horror stories about it. I have to trust that, should I get pg and progress far enough to make a decision, that God will light the way. I don't have to make any decisions now. Insurance will be a deciding factor, as will my ability to find an OB and/or midwife I trust. There is absolutely no guarantee either at home or at the hospital that I will have a pleasant or horrible experience. There are no guarantees of safety or even that the baby or I will survive. I just have to listen to God and it will work out.
At least DH was totally cool about the way our holiday turned out. We were going to go to his grandma's for a nice family dinner. Instead we stayed here and had frozen taquitos and a leftover jar of queso. We couldn't leave Toby with him sick like this or we'd come back to a house that reeked of mess. Since it was a last-minute decision I didn't have time to go to the store for a proper Easter meal. DH handled it all, even my irritability and refusal to leave the computer with grace. He made lunch and dinner and kept a good sense of humor. I am a lucky woman! Oh, and it turned out that it was a good thing we didn't go with the family out-of-town. They got rear-ended and had minor injuries. It would have been really bad with my already-hurting back. I'm just sorry they had to go through that.