OK, so DH and I had a great talk about adoption last night. We came up with a plan. As is so true in marriage, it wasn't the plan I would have come up with--it is better
So here it is:
I see the RE next week. I found out about a loan I can get to pay for it if it gets expensive so I don't have to worry so much about every little bill. We're going to go all-out with the tests and, if necessary, surgeries. We just really want to know why this is taking so long.
If the RE says, after all the tests, that the only problem is the PCOS (infrequent O's) then we're going to try for no less then a year and no more than seven O's or two more years, whichever comes first. We'll try naturally (with or w/o clomid). Even if we miss an O, which is easy when they sometimes only comes every six months or so, it still counts towards the 7 O's.
If the Re finds and fixes a problem then we'll try the same way for the same amount of time.
If the RE determines that we are, for all he can figure, sterile, then we'll get the ball rolling soon. I'll get a second opinion, of course, but there's no reason to wait at that point. If the RE says that it's something like low progesterone, something that hurts but doesn't make me sterile, or something that lowers our chances and can't be fixed, then we'll just try for a year or two just like if it was unexplained. We'd probably start the adoption research sooner, though, depending on how severe the problem.
As for the adoption, we've changed the kind of adoption we want to do. I brought up changing it and DH was very receptive.
The more I thought about the legal-risk adoption the less comfortable with it I got. It reminds me of my decision to teach in inner-city schools. You hear that they need teachers there and I want to be helpful. So I did that, and I was miserable. Not everyone is called to help in every way. If a person is unhappy doing something then they're not going to be any help. I, for example, don't handle sudden changes well. I can't even imagine what it would be like having a newborn thrust into my home at 9:00 at night with no warning. Even worse would be having that same child removed from my home with little warning two years later! And DH is the kind of person who would attach so well and so quickly and then be crushed. I would avoid attaching in the first place which is much worse. Plus, I like my job and it would be hard to give it up for what is basically a temporary situation or at least something we have to assume is temporary.
Now I want to think about minority adoption. There are two possibilities that I want to research. Both of them cost about $12-15K, which, while still being a lot of money, could be dealt with. We'd have to borrow but the tax credit would help a lot. Both are infant/toddler adoptions, no fostering. One is a domestic program and the other is adoption from Ethiopia. I would rather do domestic adoption right up front. However, I also know that there aren't as many minority children that are placed for adoption in this country. The point for us would be that we would adopt, not foster, and we would adopt an infant or toddler. Our neighborhood is very diverse and any race would fit in just fine here. I've already started thinking about ways to find good role models for our children within their race. The point, for me, isn't knowing everything I need to know about their race. It's about finding the people who do know and learning from them with our child.
Having our friends over with the baby was, indeed, not easy. DH said that he gets more comments about him not having kids yet then I do (I very rarely get any comments). Sure enough, the husband last night made a comment about us not having a high chair yet since we'll need one soon. Like he knows! Then later, when one of his kids was elbowing it's into his lap, he said something about how we should just stick with the dog. DH handles it well and I know that most guys are just insensitive. The wife said nothing thank goodness. They are still good friends and I know that we may start getting more comments now since we've been married a year already. At least our closest friends and family know that we're trying and that, if they do say anything, they'll get an earful of our troubles and maybe even a few tears for effect (OK, the tears are real but I let them come even though I'd normally keep it to myself). No one wants that which is exactly why I do it. Great defense mechanism--cathartic and eliminates most questions. The only one who still brings it up is my mom but hey, she's a mom. I feel like she can't understand since she had no problems at all with fertility but she doesn't need to. She just wants me to know I have her support.
Anyway, the kicker is that, if I had gotten pg right away, I'd do the same thing as the husband. DH and I are big proponents of not waiting too long to start a family and to be open to more kids than society would consider acceptable. Not necessarily to have a bunch of kids for the heck of it, just to not limit yourself for no good reason. Some couples have the time, money, energy, desire and support for bigger families but they don't just because people might look down on them. So, anyway, if I didn't have any compassion for infertility I would encourage couples to have kids just like we were proponents of NFP while we were engaged. I've grown up a lot.
At the same time, I have to admit that I've been tempted to ask some of our still-childless friends if they're trying. I won't, of course, but I just want to know if I'm as alone in this as I feel IRL. It's not something that comes up in casual conversation (well, unless it's with a young dad like our friend, of course).
I don't know if it is good news or not but my period is so slow. My temps are still high although it dropped one more tenth of a point this morning. I stopped using the cream two nights ago. It's still light flow. It's probably yet another sign of too-low progesterone levels. I'm glad that I haven't had any cramps yet but it's weird, too. It's almost like the spinach and cayenne worked too well! My periods are usually long but I think that this one might be especially drawn-out. I'm glad to not have the pain yet and I hope that, if it comes, that it comes today. I don't want it hitting Monday or Tuesday! That would be a real treat, worrying all last week that the cramps will hit on a work day, then feel like the threat is passed, just to have it hit the next week at work out-of-the-blue. However, maybe it won't be so bad since it's been light but significant for the last few days. It's usually only horrible pain if it hits heavy the first day or two of bleeding.
I'm starting to get a bit anxious about the doctor appointment. I know that the doctor won't do anything that day but I've had so many bad experiences with these doctors. I'm so sure this will be confusing and that I'll forget a question or my charts or that I'll talk so fast that I'll confuse him.
Oh, random--I just started the fertility tea today. I feel so silly saying that. However I did some Googling of the ingredients and I'd been thinking of trying them. I figure vitex probably can't do much harm at this point. The tea was not pleasant to drink since it had flecks in it that leaked from the tea ball. This girl is used to proper tea bags! I can get used to it, though.
Oh, more randomness. I'm starting to accept how lonely TTC for over a year is. I tried, at first, to spend time with the young moms since they were my friends long before they were moms. I felt out-of-place, though, the older their kids got and sometimes it hurt so much. Rarely, but it could hit and depress me for the next day or so.
Then I tried spending more time with the single women my age. However, even now that I have a job I love, I still don't quite fit. I've got babies on the brain and a married homeowner just doesn't have the same thoughts and concerns. The fact is that I can't turn back the clock. I do enjoy the occasional night out but that isn't the way to build friendships for me right now.
So in the middle are married childless women like myself. Something I've noticed, though, is that they are hard to find. They seem to vanish from our church group soon after the I Do. DH and I are the rare ones that stick around. I understand--I got much busier after getting married and I wasn't working for a year. Not to mention that married couples tend to have each other or they may get involved with some other ministry that is less social and more task/service oriented like choir or the various service projects.
Plus, it can be hard to talk with them. I have regretted bringing up TTC enough to not want to do that anymore. However, if I don't say anything myself how can I expect one of them to bring it up if they know exactly what I'm going through? I don't regret talking to the family so much since they'd find out eventually anyway. But with my friends it often just brings on an awkward silence and subject change, no surprise. It's none of their business and they know it. If they are TTC with no success then they'll just keep being lonely and thinking they're the only ones just like I do now.
Now I'm not sure what to do. Our church group is going through a leadership change and, while I like the people still, I feel called strongly to move on to something else. I've been part of this group long enough to either be one of the leaders (which was rejected) or to let the new people take over completely without me and my desire to hold on to what we had before. DH still likes the group and wants to continue with it. I'd still go to the social events of course since these people are my friends. At the same time, though, I think that my sudden withdrawal might be seen inaccurately as a negative opinion of the new leadership and I don't want to hurt the unity of the group.
Plus, I don't know what else I would do. I know that being in a ministry or group of some kind is helpful at least. But what? Many groups are ruled out because they are full of moms and it would just be awkward. I don't have any obvious interests that would make any particular group interesting enough for me to stick with for long. The group I'm in is the only one that is vague enough for me to not get bored with.
I think I might stick it out for a little longer until the leadership transition is more solid. Then I think I'll let DH keep with it and I'll stop by from time-to-time. I just wish I knew where I actually fit in. This group isn't it anymore but where is? Do I have to wait years to be a mom or take on some mission before I fit somewhere again?
I talked to the doctor about doing a laproscopy but he wants to wait since that is a surgery. He said that he needs to do an ultrasound around the time of O first to see if he can tell anything by that. After the u/s he may do a HSG and only after that would he do a lap. I'm not surprised and I'm glad this doctor isn't in a super rush. He's wise to not be too aggressive and to get the info he needs to make a good diagnoses on a complicated organ system.
My original plan was to put off clomid until we know that my tubes are clear and DH's swimmers are fine. However, I realized as I was talking to him that clomid would be perfect right now. Not necessarily to get pg this cycle, although that would certainly give us the answers we're looking for! The clomid this time is so that we can plan doctor appointments more efficiently. The doctor wants an u/s when I'm about to O so that he can have that information and look for issues that way. If I take the clomid I'm much more likely to O at a predictable time, therefore not forcing me to keep having u/s for the next three months waiting for an O that may or may not happen. Plus, since you usually start clomid on CD 5 and I'm on CD 6 it couldn't be much more fortuitous.
I have my next appointment next week to start the u/s. The bad thing is that, although the appointment is on a day that I almost never have to work, I happen to work the afternoon on the day of my appointment next week. The great news is that, on the following week, when I could very well have u/s every day, my schedule is just perfect for fitting them in during the mornings. I hope I don't have to go on clomid much more since I forgot how stressful it is to fit in the appointments since no one knows how fast the follicle will grow. That was before I had a job, too. I'll just have to bring my work schedule with me to the doctors from now on. At least I don't have a full-time job! More good news is that my boss is awesome and she understands the need to be flexible around doctor appointments. I got so lucky in that I really like the people I work with. She said that, if I'm late, I can just make up the hours later. She schedules enough of us at any given time that I won't leave them hanging if I'm unavoidably late. This really is an ideal job for my situation. God is good!
Oh, and more great news. The doctor said we probably won't need to get DH tested after I told him the results of the post-coital analysis done by my old RE. Plus, he's going to do a post-coital during the appointment next week. He wants to see how the swimmers do the day afterwards. Unfortunately I probably won't have FCM at that point but hopefully I'll at least have some CM by then. The Dr. said that, if I do have some live ones in there, that he won't need to get DH tested since that would be all he needs to know that it isn't DH. However, he said I can do one at any time that I want to. He gave me the cup and the instructions. I don't even have to tell him what day I'm bringing it in. They have their own lab and we can collect it the way we need to (through BD with a perforated Male Factor brand condom). The only rule is that I get it in within two hours of BD. So I am really happy to have that flexibility, and to know that I am able to get DH tested at any point in the next several months. I think what we'll do is wait until the 2WW of this cycle or just wait until next cycle. I don't want there to be any extra BD-timing complication this cycle then there will already by with the clomid. As for timing this cycle, unless the doctor tells me otherwise, we'll BD every-other day starting the day before my next appointment and continuing until I know I've O'd. That should last a little over a week. Lots of quality time, LOL
At least I know from last time about what to expect. I can expect some great EWCM before O so I don't have to feel pressure to BD when it's most painful (last time we started to BD as soon as I stopped the clomid which was painful and, as I discovered, a very infertile time). I'll know that we can BD every-other day while the FCM lasts. I'll know that, when the O pain stops, and the FCM goes away, that the 2WW has begun. I'll know about when the O will probably happen (around CD 19-20). I know there will be s/e, some harsh and some emotional. I won't expect to be pg just because I O'd. I'll know that I'll have every pg symptom imaginable and that won't mean that I'm pg. I'll likely have an excruciatingly painful AF afterwards if our miracle doesn't happen. I'll use the progesterone cream although it probably won't make much difference. I'll also expect pretty-low post-O temps.
I talked to the doctor about the very painful AF and he said that it was probably just because I was Oing again. He didn't seem too concerned about it. He also said that Aleve was the best pain medicine I could take. He's right; I discovered that a couple days ago. I like Tylenol for headaches but there is nothing like Aleve for cramps. He said it relaxes the cervix muscles to let the blood out. I'm in heavy AF today and no pain. So that's good, I guess. I kinda want to believe that it's endo so I can imagine him doing surgery and curing me. It's too scary to think it might be wacky hormones only. It makes me feel so confused and out-of-control. All the drugs they give me to fix the hormone issues just hurt me, like with depression or irritability.
As for the depression, he didn't have any answers for that. He won't try to put me on prometrium again at least. Also, since the progesterone cream seemed to help last time I'm going to keep up with that. I'll also take the B vitamin every day. Hopefully that will keep it from being too horrible. I think it may be very bad with clomid but hopefully it won't be too bad once I've been off of the clomid for a cycle or two. I pray it isn't too dangerous for the next couple months or more.
Oh, and the people from the adoption agency just called me back. She said that they don't recruit for domestic adoptions since they "have more families then they can handle". Furthermore, we have to go to a city that is over five hours away for a Friday all-day meeting. The meeting starts at 8:45 AM. That means we have to either leave at 3:45 AM or leave Thursday evening at rush hour and pay for a hotel. Then we'd either have to drive home Friday evening during rush hour or pay for a hotel Friday evening. All this just for an orientation meeting that is mandatory (no go, no adoption). Before you can go to the meeting you have to pay $50 to be approved for the program. All this so you can pay them a ton more money. At least this isn't the only agency we can go with and not the only program that was recommended to us. Also, we may not need a hotel after all since we have family that is fairly close. So hey, maybe we can make a little family vacation out of it. I just wish DH didn't have to take a day off of work and that the recruiter wasn't so blithe about it all. They obviously want parents for international adoption. They have recruitment meetings at least once a month in our town for their international program.
Some good news with that, though, is that China adoption might actually work for us. I had ruled it out early since people talked about the new restrictions. The fact is, though, that when I actually looked at them myself I found that that we meet those restrictions (although I need some more info on some of them to be absolutely certain). If we do then that may be the way to go. It would cost less then some domestic adoptions and they have a 14-day travel requirement which we could swing. I'd leave my job to be a SAHM then and, by then, DH would hopefully have 2 weeks of vacation saved up. We have to be 30 to adopt and that would fit into our long-term plans as well. Plus, travel to China would be interesting for sure, and it's a pretty common program to go with and stable as well. The wait is long, almost two years after our paperwork is finished, which would be frustrating for sure. However, if we knew we'd be parents by the end of it then it'd be worth it. Even more, I have a family member who has been through the process and they have a beautiful baby girl who the whole family just adores. In fact, both DH and I have family members who were adopted internationally. So maybe that is the way to go? God only knows
I was reading the clomid s/e thread and my old post reminded me of some things I will be dealing with very soon and some things, like my constant headache, that I'm already coping with. The clomid dries me out so bad that I need to help my mucus membranes every way possible.
To cope, here's my plan:
Fish oil every-other day and flax seed oil daily.
Decaf green tea with mint daily.
Drink much more water. Here's the kicker, I don't drink enough water.
Plenty of carrots for beta carotene in my salad.
Eat my roughage to help other s/e from getting too bad.
I'm not going to bother with the Mucinex this time. It didn't seem to help much.
I'm also going to take my B vitamins every day so it's in my system when the O is over and it's PMS time. I'll also use the progesterone cream then.
So far, other then the headache, I feel OK. It's only day two, though. My temp shot up this morning so I know it's working.
I finished my pills a few days ago and I'm feeling pretty good. I had wicked hot flashes for almost 24 hours straight after the last pill and I still get them now just for shorter periods of time. I had some headaches and some nausea but not nearly as bad as it could have been and allergies may be more to blame anyway. I had some extreme emotions, like laughing really hard at something that wasn't that funny, but my worst mood swings were during the time that DH was out-of-town at a work conference. Talk about perfect timing! The worst thing that happened was that I yelled at the puppy.
I'm not eating quite as healthy as I'd like and I'm not walking as much because the weather here is horrible. Oh well, no point worrying about it. There's just so many goodies around a holiday At least I'm keeping up with my salads and my green tea, plus I'm doing well with my vitamins. I'm just waiting to O.
ETA: I saw a friend of mine this week who I have had mixed feelings about in the past. It was very sweet, she realized that seeing pg women can sometimes be a little difficult for me, at least for a little while. It was the most sensitive she's been so it was nice. Or maybe I just acknowledged that I needed the sensitivity and owned up to the frustration. Plus, I think that, now that it's been a year, that there really is a problem and it won't just happen if I relax.
Also, I realized that, if I get pg now, I'll leave my job knowing that there is a job I enjoy. That is huge! I take it for granted already but I've spent all of my adult life so far (plus all my teenage years) having no idea what I wanted to do for a career. I never thought I'd find a job I liked. I didn't even realize that weight was gone until now. So, if I get pg soon, I can be a SAHM with the peace that there is a job I can go to later when it's time. Plus, I realized that I really feel much more ready to be a mom now. I've resolved some issues regarding birth, or at least accepting the conflicting feelings between home birth/hospital birth/midwife center. We're better financially and we'll be better each month that I stay at my job (and, therefore, haven't gotten pg yet).
At the same time, I accepted how much it's going to hurt if I'm still not pg by next summer. I used to have adoption to look forward to but DH just doesn't seem to want that. Looking forward to that is silly and a total waste. I don't even have a clue what I want regarding adoption. Even if money was no issue I still wouldn't know. This could be another long year, even longer than the first year. We had so much to do and now pretty much nothing, just work and social events. I'm sure we would adopt if we didn't conceive but some couples jump into adoption because they genuinely want it. Right now we're not that couple and we're putting if off. God is showing me that adoption is not in His plan for us for a long time. That may change but I need to be patient. I really hope this cycle is the one but I know it could go either way.
The doctor's appointment went really well! I was very lucky in that the doctor had a visiting doc in with him and he was explaining everything to her. I've had that experience with one other doctor and I always understand what they're talking about better that way. Maybe because they tend to summarize but still share lots of detail.
Anyway, the post-coital analysis went really well and we'll only do a full seminal analysis if we haven't conceived in the next 2-3 cycles. He found plenty of live swimmers and he said that he'd likely see many more when I had more fertile CM. I told him I used pre-seed and, while he didn't seem to think I need it, he agreed that it didn't hurt. I'm relieved to know that there were still live swimmers over 12 hours after BD in sticky CM plus pre-seed.
As for the u/s, that went well, too. My lining looked good and he found one dominant follicle on my left ovary at 14 mm. It needs to get to 18-21 mm before it will burst and he said it would likely happen Monday.
I was surprised but pleased that he didn't plan any more u/s or appointments this cycle, and no trigger shot. I'm actually relieved about that. I'm glad I went through all that on my last clomid cycle since it was neat to see the follie grow. It was super-stressful, however, not to mention expensive. This way we can just relax and enjoy our weekend and let the next two weeks play out without extra focus on my body.
I do wish he was planning a progesterone test, though. However, since he wants to see my chart if I get AF, he'll be able to see how long my LP is and he may do that b/w in future cycles.
As for the future plans, he said to fax him my chart if I get AF. He wants to do 2-3 more cycles (I'm assuming with clomid) before doing any testing. He believes with what he's seen so far that my lack of ovulations is the only thing stopping us. If the next 2-3 cycles go like this one then I'll only have one doctor's appointment per cycle which is awesome. He'll call in my clomid prescription and I'll come in on CD 15 for an u/s. Very simple! While I hope this cycle is The One, it's great to know that this doctor is not making this more complicated than it already is if we have to do this for 2-3 more months. I can handle this and DH is holding up great The s/e this cycle haven't been too bad and I have ways to cope with it.
If the next 2-3 cycles do not lead to pg then he said we'll schedule an HSG and a formal seminal analysis. Depending on the HSG results he'll likely do a lap to check for endo based on my painful periods.
So that's it! I started taking Mucinex yesterday, on CD 14 and I'll continue it until my temps start rising. I hate the way it makes my food taste funny but I want to do what I can to help produce fertile CM. I've been good about the tea, oil capsules, and carrots and OK about the water although I can always drink more. It's hard since I can't drink water at work but I did add more tea (herbal) at night so I'm drinking at least a little more fluids.
It would be so cool if this cycle was the one since I'm seeing some family later this month at a wedding. What if I could tell them in person that we were expecting? That would be amazing. However, at least I have plenty this month to keep me busy if I'm not pg. If AF comes it will likely happen the big movie weekend we have planned. The bad thing is that we're visiting a family member with a new baby the day before AF will be due--right when I would be PMS-ing/wondering about pg. Oh thrills, oh joy. We really like this family, too, and I don't want to be depressed. But maybe I'll be pg then and excited about a BFP? I can only hope.
I'm going through the usual about-to-O freak-out. That's an overstatement, thank goodness, but I do worry. I have O pain like bruising on both sides and my bbs hurt off and on like they are filled with rocks. This would normally bother me but I'm relieved since it means I'm actually going to O, and soon.
The main worry is timing issues. My temp dropped today and, while that usually would mean I need to BD asap, last time I didn't get EWCM until the next day and I didn't O until a couple days after that. I don't have any EWCM yet this time, either, but it's still early in the day.
So I feel pressure fro the low temp to BD, but, to complicate things, I had spotting after BD the last time and pain during BD. I think it's just too much BD. It wasn't horrible but it would be great if I could take a little BD break (just a day instead of BDing two days in a row). I would BD despite pain if I knew it was time, no issue at all. It'd be so worth it to know I didn't miss it!!! However, I probably still have time to relax before O comes. I won't know until retrospect, of course.
This drives me crazy. On the one hand I read that I should BD the day of O for best chances. Then I read I should BD every day. Then my dr tells me to BD every-other day until the temp rise. That would mean that I should wait until tomorrow, then Wednesday. The dr also said I would likely O on Monday.
To stop the worry, I'm just going to wait until Monday night. I need to be patient and hopefully I'll O Monday or early Tuesday and we'll have a chance.
And to think, some people BD once in a month and get pg. Sigh.
It started with DH not being able to, well, finish, if you kwim. This is NOT a normal problem for him. However, it did happen one other time, and it was also near the O of a clomid cycle. Hmm, a pattern? Of course! I didn't realize until it happened how much DH wants this as much as I do. It made me feel good (can you imagine?) that all the pressure wasn't on me. DH feels the pressure, too. He felt horrible that he couldn't do what we needed him to do. All at once it hit me how I've been treating it like my pregnancy, my baby, my infertility. Hello, it takes two!!! I'm not surprised of the self-centered-ness, though, since anyone would get obsessed if their ovaries were talking to them all day for several days in a row in very rude language. It's like getting bruised repeatedly. Plus, with the doctor making it clear that it was me and not DH I feel so responsible for making every O cycle count. I talked about my fertility all weekend long, like what kind of CM I had, my aching ovaries, my BD strategy. DH is so sweet and never told me to be quiet. He listened patiently and gave his opinions when asked (he doesn't usually have one but knows that sometimes I need him to contribute).
Anyway, I figured out that all my worries weren't just affecting me, they were obviously affecting him, too, and it led to performance anxiety. I apologized to him and promised that, if there is another clomid cycle, that I would plan a few CDs to BD based on the last two clomid cycles. I would plan it out at the beginning of the cycle and never mention it again or try to change it. No more obsessing over timing! Yes, it is a risk BDing every-other day since the O could happen right before and, therefore, almost 48 hours after the last time. The cervix could close up before the swimmers could get in. However, God is in control. I can't worry about every little thing. Plus, we really can't BD every day. It just doesn't work. Maybe three nights in a row but then we need a longer break, more than a day's break, before going at it again. Every-other day is easier to sustain for a longer time period.
The awesome thing is that, after apologizing and telling him how I realized that he wanted a pg as much as I did, and how this huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders from that realization, his performance anxiety was gone and we actually had fun. Usually we do have fun but, during a clomid cycle, I start to see it as work. Again, easy to do since my ovaries hurt, I have a headache, and I'm usually nauseous so, despite a healthy libido, BD is the last thing on my mind when we most need to. This morning, however, I felt closer to him than ever. Best of all? I think I O'd soon afterwards! It's too early to tell but I had really bad O pain right afterwards. Then I fell asleep for a few hours and, when I woke up, nothing. Of course it could kick in any time today or this evening but it would be soo cool if I did.
So God reminded us who is really in control of our bodies and who is really going to make a pg happen. That made me feel not only closer to DH but closer to God, too. I've been kinda spiritually dry lately because of my anger but I had a moment of feeling filled up by God and really OK for the first time in awhile, peaceful. So it's been a great morning
I really do think I O'd and now I'm just waiting to know for sure so I can start using the progesterone cream. My temp went up to the coverline today and I didn't have any fertile CM that I could tell for sure yesterday or today. I said I did on my chart because I couldn't tell one way or the other. I didn't do any kegels this time during the fertile part of my cycle so I don't know what was what. I really hope I did for sure so I can move on.
Last night I had some really bad insomnia. I think it was at least partly because I slept late, then worked at night, and drank some tea that was supposed to help me sleep but sometimes it backfires and makes me have insomnia. Plus, I think I'm worried about DH's job. He hasn't been made permanent yet. They told him they want to, and it's almost a month before they decide for sure. If they don't, though, then we start over again, and no insurance. It would be really bad to get pg in that situation! We have some money in savings but not enough for long. DH had a review and it seemed to go OK. Not great but he didn't get the vibe that it's over. Our income might go down but that sure beats losing it all! Plus he'll probably have better insurance but we don't know for sure. I'm sure it's normal to wonder and worry when trying to get pg. We have to trust that God will provide and I have to let DH work out his own career.
One thing I did tell DH is that he no longer has the luxury of going from company to company to find the perfect place. He has a wife, a house, and hopefully a baby on the way. I want him to stay at this company for at least two years. That will give him time to find his niche and get really good at it and experienced. The first year anywhere is difficult. I used to believe that a person could find just the right company and be happy. Now I know that happiness is a choice and you have to make the most of where you are. Yes, some companies are particularly bad and you need to leave those places. However, you don't leave a pretty-good place just because somewhere else might have something better or even for more money unless you've got lots of experience. DH seemed surprised at first but I think he agreed. He knows I want stability right now. I also don't want to hear about too many of his job issues. True, I would rather him tell me then complain at work. However, too much of it and I worry too much. After all, I don't complain about my job. I choose to enjoy it. I could complain just like anyone could find something to complain about.
On the good side, it was probably the best review DH has had in awhile. He's made some simple changes but they seem to have a positive effect. Most importantly, I think he's humbled in a way, yet challenged, and maybe less picky, too. He likes the work he's doing more then he used to, or he accepts better the inevitable boring parts along with the fun problem-solving. He's focusing better on the jobs they give him. He also has a better work/life balance. He's doing well for his age for his industry. I've got to stay positive or I'll never get any sleep. We have to trust God not our savings account.
I really should stay awake but I'm so tempted to take a nap. I don't see how I could get much accomplished anyway with such little sleep last night.
Ugh, the clomid causes a lot of confusion. Beware the boring ramble of a clomid patient:
Yesterday I didn't do anything to encourage CM production. No green tea and I didn't even drink that much water. However, I had the first actual no-mistaking-it EWCM this whole cycle. My temps are still pre-O so I had to assume that I hadn't O'd yet. We BD'd just to cover our bases.
When we did, though, it felt different and kinda hurt. That's probably because of the frequency, at least I'm assuming, since it was the second day in a row of BD. It felt like my cervix had dropped but I can't tell since I don't check CP. I can't reach it and I hate checking it. Plus it interferes with CM so I use that excuse. Now I wish I did, though! Just to know if my cervix has changed. Even though I still won't check it in the future even knowing it might give me some clarification in the future.
The weird thing, even though I have every sign that O will come today (based on last night's CM), is that I really feel like I O'd already. I did have some mild O twinges yesterday but nothing like Monday morning. I don't know what the twinges mean, or if the lessening of O pain means it's over. I would think so but I don't know what those hormones do. I know the nerves aren't very sensitive. As for other signs I think I've already O'd, I'm super hungry all the time and my internal temp is off. I'm either really cold or really hot. Mostly, though, I've got this mellow feeling. None of this really means anything to my scientific mind. I'm glad we BD'd just in case.
As for my temps, I had to guess yesterday morning and today since I woke up at weird times. I really hope that I get to sleep and wake up at a normal time and that my temp sky-rockets tomorrow! No more ambiguity! I want the 2WW to start. I also want to have a better idea of when I O on my chart. I want to know how long my LP is. My last clomid cycle was totally ambiguous and my O pain completely stopped three days before the temp rose for real. It had gone up .1 for two days and then went back to the coverline before the true rise. At least this time my coverline is obvious and the same temp as usual. On my last clomid cycle my temps were all over the place. This time it was 97.3 for three days, then plummeted, and now is rising. This time I know my coverline for sure, unlike last time when I couldn't even establish one. If it continues to rise then I'll still have no idea from temps when I O'd since it plummeted before I had any EWCM. What I'll probably do is either leave FF alone or manually change it to the last day of 97.3 which would be yesterday. That would be a day after the doctor said it happened so it's close enough.
I should just be happy that I likely O'd or will very soon and that we had great BD timing. I'm so obsessed about LPD because of that prometrium, well, the s/e from it. I want to start the progesterone cream very soon but I need to know for sure that I O'd first.
ETA: I'm feeling better now and I believe I did indeed O on Monday or early Tuesday. I found out that it's not rare to have O pains after O and I know from before that I can get EWCM after O as well. I had some today but it was most likely seminal residue. I feel really dry. I still hope my temp goes up so I can have that final bit of closure.
I told DH that I wanted a sweet (and cheap) little gift when AF is due whether I'm pg or not. I'm going to be so crushed if I'm not pg and nervous if I am. At least I found out that the family dinner isn't the day before AF is due after all so I can go and enjoy myself. Plus another cool thing is that I'll be reading HP7 when AF is due so I'll be distracted one way or the other. It's great to have something to look forward to.