OK, my temp went up a little today. Not much, but I manually set the O date to Tuesday. I still think in my gut it was Monday but it's not much of a difference.
Based on that, AF should arrive by Sunday-Monday with a 12 day LP. I'll likely start spotting Saturday either way I'd imagine. I will test on Wednesday AM if AF doesn't arrive full-force by Tuesday night.
I really am going to make every effort to not obsess about symptoms. Yeah, right, I know, but I'm so sick of the heartbreak. I already have such a good feeling about this cycle. Our timing could not be better. I had decent CM and DH's in good working order. I feel we're ready enough. I want to decorate the nursery!
I will be so crushed if I'm not pg, more so then any previous cycle. I did several things differently and I've learned from the wonderful ladies on here, my doctors, and experience.
I'm considering staying away from this site for the rest of the 2WW. I could really drive myself more insane then I already am. There is nothing I can do and no symptom that I haven't already had. I want to stay busy, work hard, have fun with all the HP mania, and spend time with friends and DH.
I've stayed away from pg.org for the last several days and it makes a big difference. My goal is to not think about the 2WW as much and it's working! Having a really busy week helped, too.
As for how I feel, so far I have no symptoms of anything. No nausea, which is amazing, and very few cramps. I had some spotting I'm pretty sure it was from BD during the 2WW without anything to help. My temp is steadily rising and hit 98.0 today. I will be happy to see it keep going up but I'll also be OK with it plateauing at that temp, too. If I'm not pg I want a good, strong LP so I know the progesterone cream helps and that the clomid with no trigger shot does the trick. In fact, I wonder if the trigger shot is partly why I felt so bad last clomid cycle. I really think the progesterone cream is helping. I have moments of getting kinda cranky but it's always near the end of my shift when I'm tired. That has nothing to do with my hormones.
In addition to the cream I'm still walking five days a week, eating OK healthy and taking my B vitamin. There isn't anything else I can do as far as I know.
Oh, and the HP movie was so good! It was worth the wait and justified the excitement. I can't wait to get it on DVD and watch it over and over again. I'll miss the HP obsession when I've finished the seventh book. It's pathetic but I'll need to find something else to occupy my mind. Maybe decorating the nursery and preparing for baby? I hope! It'd be perfect timing for me. God's got His plan, though.
Yesterday ended up being a rough day after all. We went to dinner with some of DH's family, and I was being embarrassingly sullen. It was a bigger group then I was prepared for and I don't know most of them very well. Even so, that's no excuse. Then, there was a baby there and it really bothered me. The weird thing is that I went to a big dinner with lots of friends and acquaintances two nights before in which there were no less then 3 pg women and an adorable infant. You would think that would bother me more! That ended up being fine whereas yesterday seeing one baby had me really upset.
Then, when I got home, I started a stupid fight with DH over something that was really my fault and I wouldn't admit it (until much later). I eventually realized that I didn't want to acknowledge being upset about the baby but I also didn't want it to be PMS that was just making me irrational. If it's PMS already then I'm in trouble! As for being upset about the baby, I just felt that talking about it would be so redundant. I don't want to be that boring broken record of infertility. However, if I don't talk about why I'm upset, DH gets this wounded look and I now have my own feelings to sort out in addition to doing something to get DH to stop looking at me like that.
When I woke up this morning, though, I realized that I was mostly just exhausted. Being around a lot of people just makes me that much more tired. I have to accept that I have a lot of grief stored up in me and it comes out sometimes. I really don't think it was PMS. I've felt that way before around his family. I like their personalities for the most part but DH himself is a different person around the group, like at the dinner table. In smaller groups he is the man I married but he gets almost defensive and very much a ham if he's at a big group. I get more shy in a big group which leads to trouble. I feel like he's calling extra attention to us and I just want to be invisible until I can escape. He's not that bad with our friends, just with his cousins. To be fair, I know I have weird quirks when I'm around my cousins. There are always a lot of old wounds and emotions that manifest themselves in strange ways that are incomprehensible to our significant others who weren't there as children.
This week should be less tiring. We're going to a big gathering this weekend which is likely to stress me out. My work schedule, though, is much more laid back and I don't have any extra chores to do either. I have a real day off (as long as I get my stuff done the rest of the week) or a day to catch up which will allow me to slack a bit every other day. We're not even cooking much since we're good with leftovers.
As for how I feel, I had a little bit of nausea last night but not too bad. I stocked up on goodies last night when I was feeling so bad--major chocolate craving (and I just wanted to get away from DH for long enough to think without his mournful gaze). My temp is steadily rising, too. Each morning the temp is at least .1 higher then the previous day. This chart is so much better then my last clomid cycle. I really do wonder if the doctor messed things up with the trigger shot, like if he caused the O to happen too soon and I therefore didn't have enough progesterone. Anyway, I hope that temp pattern continues!!! I'm hoping that, if I get my rest, I won't have another PMS episode for at least several more days. My bbs are more sensitive and so are my nips which is a little different for me. It's not like the pre-O rocks-in-my-bbs feeling. More of a painful-if-I-lie-down-on-my-stomach thing. If this cycle isn't It then I can add that to my non-pg pg symptoms list. I'm halfway there--I O'd a week ago and by next Monday I'll be joined by AF or getting nervous about testing.
The good thing is that I don't have any symptoms of anything. My bbs aren't as sore now, and I only have nausea for an hour or so after taking my vitamins. The bad thing is that my temp has plateaued at 98.0 for the last four days. If it doesn't go up then I'll be expecting AF on Sunday or Monday (12-day LP like throughout the last year).
At least I feel good. I've been misty-eyed more than once (rare for me) but it was for genuine stuff, not a Hallmark commercial or something. I've just been reading some great books. In general, though, I feel more centered then usual and, physically, better than ever. Emotionally I feel better even then an anno cycle with the weird moods that brings. My hunger is more intense then usual and I've got insomnia that comes and goes but I think those things tends to happen after O in general. Overall, if I still feel this good by the end of Friday I'll count myself lucky. I've been trying to distract myself this week and, by Saturday, I'll have plenty to keep my mind occupied! That should get me through AF alright.
I really do think my freak-out on Sunday was from holding the baby. I just didn't want to but I said yes when asked so that I didn't look bad. It broke my heart to hold an infant in my arms. It's never had that affect before. I've held many babies in the last year but this was the first time it hurt that much. So much grief welled up in me just holding that soft, warm bundle. I held it as impersonally as possible and was only too happy to pass it on. I'm never like that, either, with babies. I hope this isn't a new trend!!! Thank goodness I'll be out-of-town during a friend's baby shower. I like her and it'd be a fun party but it's the last thing I need. I really am going out-of-town anyway so it's not like I'm trying to get out of it. I'm just relieved, though, that I can't go. I wish I could do those things, like hold babies and go to baby showers, and be just fine. It's so silly to feel that way, that I'd want to avoid those things. I think I'm finally at that point, though. I'm not proud of it but I have to learn how to cope with it. That stuff is just a part of life.
I also read a great novel about international adoption, Forever Lily. I speaks to the heart of it. It impressed on me the need to be called to that life and that, once you are called, no practical concern has to stop you, that God will make it all work out if you persevere. It spoke of how both parents had to support the idea and trust each other. It also had a lot to say about feeling called to a particular country. Her baby found her instead of her deciding to adopt and making it happen. Motherhood found her and wouldn't let her go. I just don't feel called to any particular place that has an international adoption program. I don't feel called to learn about the history and government of any particular place like she did. I also can't decide on a country and DH doesn't seem that impressed with the idea. So I still hope we conceive, and pretty soon. The further this goes, the less called we seem to be to adopt. All the same, I still wonder. Not now, but maybe someday.
DH and I had a good talk last night. We're getting better about both sharing our feelings. We're both anxious to know about this cycle and we're both starting to accept the possibility I may never conceive and that we're not ready to adopt. We even talked about what it would be like to never have kids but that was a very short conversation. It's just impossible to imagine.
I have some hope left for this cycle but not a whole lot. I've started getting PMS acne and my irritability is getting worse. At least last night, when DH and I almost started to fight over the dumbest thing, I had the presence of mind to call a truce early on. That was cool. My temps are also still up. The only thing about that is my insomnia making it hard to know what my temp really is. I keep waking up at least 30 minutes early but this morning I woke up one and a half hours early! Then I take a little nap later on in the morning because I'm exhausted and the cycle continues. Tonight, though, I'm going to stay up reading until I'm tired and hopefully I'll sleep until my "normal" time. If I keep reading all day tomorrow then hopefully I'll go to bed at a reasonable time tomorrow night and sleep in Sunday. Of course by Sunday my temps will have probably dropped anyway and the spotting or even my period will be on its way. I just want to know but it's still too early to test and I'll be so sad to get a BFN. What a waste of a test! To me, tests are to confirm a pg only if you still haven't gotten AF by the end of 14 DPO. Since I've never gotten to 15 DPO I've never had reason to test. I really want to, though. However, I would be so depressed with a BFN and I wouldn't really believe it anyway. It wouldn't help me feel any better, not really.
ETA: I've been communicating with a friend of mine about the spiritual aspects of this journey and she keeps repeating something that I know to be true but that is haunting me. She says that infertility is God closing the womb, nothing more, that God can do anything. She says she would only do procedures for pain management not fertility even if they knew something particular was wrong. At which I am tempted to yell, easy for you to say. She has an amazingly healthy reproductive system and they conceived their baby so easily. Now they can't seem to conceive another and she does feel my pain herself in her own surprising secondary infertility. I guess, probably due to our infertility being my own body, I tend to think that we need to cooperate with God, to get our bodies healthy to help Him with conception. Not that He couldn't work a miracle and clear away my PCOS just like that. But to rely on miracles exclusively is not the right attitude either. Plus, I want to have some control, some say in the matter. But essentially, every cycle I don't conceive, is God closing my womb. And then I feel my heart break. Why? Part of it is the fact that I have so many sins, especially in my past. Some I've only been able to share with a very small number of people and they do relate to my fertility. But I also know I'm forgiven and that God doesn't give us sickness to punish us. I've been blessed with an amazing husband and we'd be great parents. But God continues to say No. Is this merely to remind me who's in charge? Does He want me to grow steadily more and more alienated from my church-going friends? Does He want me to be more compassionate to others who ask Why like hurricane survivors or cancer survivors? There is no answer except in Heaven. I pray for peace.
OK, so this is becoming even more of a roller coaster.
Last night I was positive it was all over this cycle. I felt so wet down there, and I thought I saw a hint of blood. The wetness wasn't lubricative, though, and there was no CM so it could have been more like sweat. So convinced was I, however, that I not only told DH but, at the book release party I actually cried in a corner with him about how I had lost my innocence about TTC and was losing more hope each cycle. I felt the onset of PMS depression (from the mere PMS irritability from before).
BTW, I still really enjoyed the party. I read 1/3 of the book last night and went on to have a nightmare that Voldemort made us re catalog our library. I am such a dork.
Anyway, the roller coaster is that, this morning, my temp was 98.4!!! That is sky-high for me! Usually, when I go to bed late, my temps go down. I didn't go to bed until really late. I got barely 3 hours of sleep. My insomnia is horrible, the worst it's been in many years. I'm not too upset since I know it goes away during AF. Anyway, so there is no explanation for such a rise. Plus, when you look at my chart like that, it looks like I had a tiny dip on 7-8 DPO. Of course, that could be random since my temping is not too accurate due to the insomnia.
Plus, this morning I feel dry again.
I can only imagine what emotions today will bring. I have to work which is a blessing. It will keep me awake and my mind on other things. I can come in looking sleep-deprived and they'll likely just chuckle knowing why. The tears last night make it so much worse but they don't know that. Plus, it will keep me awake. My goal is to stay awake all day. Reading the book will motivate me to stay awake. Maybe, if I go to bed really tired, I'll sleep through the night better. I really want an accurate temp tomorrow. If it's this high tomorrow I'll let myself really hope. Of course I am hoping again, now, after this morning's temp. But I don't really trust that temp and anything could happen today. I shouldn't get AF yet since I'm only 11-12 DPO. But I could start bleeding today and that could mean anything. It wouldn't be a good sign for me, though. This is going to be a long day.
My temp went down today, and my progesterone-induced insomnia went away as well. Plus, my bbs feel back to normal. I would much rather have the insomnia, though. At least I did most of my grieving Friday night. I got my tears out. Plus, I got to enjoy my book much better with all that hope in my heart. Finishing it today will now be tinged with so much sadness. At least I'll be distracted. Plus, I can have some wine when we go out to dinner tonight. OK, maybe not since it's a depressant and that's the last thing I need. Each day, each month seems so long now. That said, even though I want this cycle over with I hope I don't start AF until tomorrow. That would give me a LP of 12 days which is barely decent. I do have the fears of having cramps so bad I'm unable to to walk but the Aleve helped a lot last time and I have been taking my vitamins. Hopefully I'll get through it OK. Then I get to go through this all over again.
My temp went back up today so I tested just so I wouldn't think about it all day. BFN
The weird thing is that I'm on at least 13 DPO but likely 14 DPO and, so far, no spotting at all. That is so unusual for me. If I spot today and start AF tomorrow then it won't be too unusual. I've never gone all the way through 14 DPO before. Or maybe AF will just hit today or tomorrow with no spotting. Either way I'll have a LP of at least 12 days which is good.
If I don't have any spotting or AF today, though, I'll be mystified. Maybe I had a really good corpus luteum? I trust the pg test. It was a FRER test and there was no ambiguity in the result. I don't think I tested early, either. It should work just fine at 13-14 DPO. So I'm not pg but I'm not showing signs of AF yet. Well, the last time I tested, also on a clomid cycle, I started AF that day, or at least I started spotting a lot. So maybe that will happen this time, too. The last time I tested I was spotting but I was still so sure I was pg.
I feel so bored and so empty right now. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, no projects, no creativity. The excitement over HP is all over with nothing more for a year and a half. I don't have the money to go shopping for anything fun or to start a decorating project for the house I have planned. I have nothing interesting to scrapbook. There are no books I'm psyched about beginning. My jobs are good but not that challenging.
Add to that my loneliness and I'm so down. I don't even like going to church anymore. All I see is babies. I can't sit with DH anymore since he's volunteering during Mass. My closest friend (who I've been sitting with lately) is moving away. Our church is being renovated so it doesn't even feel like Mass. I don't know my place at the church group I'm in and that's been ambiguous for a long time. I used to feel like I could always fit in at church but not anymore. I don't know how to make new friends where I'm at in my life, either. I keep thinking that, if I have a baby, I'll have something to do again. I'll have so much to plan for and shop for. I'll do mommy-stuff and meet other moms. I'm sure that is the wrong reason to have kids, but we want kids anyway so I'm not worried about it. I even told DH that's why I thought I wanted to have a baby so much now and he didn't see anything wrong with it. Maybe that's normal?
I just feel like crying all the time now.
ETA: starting spotting today. I'm actually relieved. I'm ready to move on. I'm still very sad but after crying for three days I want a change and I want to know for sure. Oh, and some good news, DH called from work and said he has a fun surprise for me tonight. I now have something to look forward to while I'm at work. This is a one-day-at-a-time situation and this will get me through today.
Oh, and I'm trying to write a funny, up-beat Top 10 list for things you should never say to a couple who doesn't have children yet. If I can write something I like then I can send it to my close friends and family.
* "I can't wait to be a grandmother (aunt, uncle, etc.)"--No pressure there! Seriously, if the couple has been trying to have a baby then that comment is going to make them feel more like a failure. If they aren't then it just feels judgmental.
* "That baby looks so good in your arms" (during pass-the-baby)--no baby looks bad in anyone's arms (unless the baby is particularly ugly) so it's a silly comment. If the couple is infertile, just having a baby in their arms is heartbreaking enough. If they aren't trying for a baby then, well, it's still just silly
* "When are you going to start trying for a baby?" --This is the kind of thing the couple will tell only those they want to tell. If you don't know then it's none of your business. Besides, for a couple that's been trying for over a year, this is particularly awkward.
* "You're lucky you don't have kids yet. They're so ____(expensive, noisy, demanding, etc.)" or "Enjoy being able to travel and sleep late"--Whether or not the couple agrees with you, this is not a helpful comment to make. If the couple is trying to have children then they would be happy to deal with the sacrifices.
* "Just relax, you'll be pregnant in no time"--While it's true that major sources of stress (like a death in the family or divorce) affect fertility for some time, if the couple has been trying to have a baby for over a year then stress is not the cause.
* "Maybe it's just not the right time for you to have kids" (followed closely by "God has a perfect time for you" or "It'll happen when you're ready")--Gee, thanks. This is the kind of thing any couple needs to find out for themselves no matter if they are trying to have a baby or not. True or not, this is not a helpful comment. Besides, just think of all those moms who got pregnant when they were most definitely not ready.
* "I bet you'd be a great mom/dad"--This sounds like a compliment, right? However, unless the couple is expecting a child, this is rarely a good comment to make. For one thing, they probably don't think they'll be bad parents. For another, whether they want to have a baby now or not, it just sounds judgmental. After all, there are many different ways to be a good parent and they may just wonder which way you're expecting them to be.
* "Have you ever thought about adoption?"--The answer to this is probably no unless they are showing you information packets from adoption agencies. Adoption is a huge decision involving thousands of dollars, often to couples who are thousands of dollars in debt already from medical treatment. Even if money is no object they still have to exhaust all the fertility treatment options they are OK with and then grieve the baby with mommy's eyes and daddy's nose that will never be born. This option, too, has to be something they realize for themselves.
* "Why weren't you at the baby shower?" --Probably because the couple either has no interest in baby showers yet or because they aren't in a place where they can help a couple celebrate. It's quite possible they feel like they would bring the party down, even for close friends or family. Jealousy may also be a factor. Invite your friends to the shower but try to understand if they can't or won't be there.
What would be a good thing to say?
If a couple has never brought up having children, then the best thing is probably to say nothing. They'll bring it up when they are ready.
If they do confide that they are trying to have children, then give them a big hug and listen. Mostly likely, unless you are a doctor or have a large sum of money you want to give them for treatment, there is nothing you can do and nothing you can say that will take away their pain and confusion.
Signs I'm pg: Temp going up--and I didn't use the progesterone cream last night!!!
I've never even seen 14 DPO on my chart so I'm basically late. Especially considering I think I O'd Monday, not Tuesday like my chart says. If AF doesn't come today or tomorrow then I don't even need a HPT to know I'm pg.
Signs AF is right around the corner:
BFN, of course (two days in a row)
Some bright spotting (could have been from BD yesterday AM, though)
BBs don't hurt as much since temp drop
No more insomnia
Some sticky CM, but barely and two days ago
Signs that could mean anything:
Wicked acne breakout (although my skin seems to be calming down now)
Mild cramping, but very rarely
Some nausea last night
Getting a little less emotional. I don't feel like I'm PMSing anymore, or getting misty-eyed as much. Wouldn't that get stronger if I was either pg or getting AF soon?
I do kinda wonder, if maybe I had a late implantation. The temp dip happened at 12-13 DPO and my temp is steadily rising. If that did happen it would explain the temp rise and the BFNs.
I just want to know and part of me wants AF to come, like, now. Of course I'd rather be pg but this is exasperating. The longer this drags out the more I'll be bothered by AF.
I spent yesterday thinking I must be pg but it's only a matter of time. Then, right before I went to bed last night, the brown spotting I had all day turned to red spotting. My heart sank. I knew that the brown spotting could mean anything (although I always get it before AF) but red spotting doesn't mean anything good. Then my temp went down again. Still above the coverline but still not rising. I didn't even bother to test. If it had been red spotting with a rising temp or no red spotting with my lower temp, I would have felt like there was still a chance. Not with both bad signs, though. It's technically not over yet but it must be soon.
All the same, it is so strange to see 15 DPO on my chart. I feel like I should take a picture because I've never seen it go that far before! And I still don't feel like AF is coming. I also don't know why, if I'm not pg, that my LP is so long. Maybe the progesterone cream + B vitamins are more potent then they used to be? I must have had a really healthy follicle!
This is good, though. Yeah, it's frustrating going so long and being on this stupid roller coaster. Each day not knowing feels like a week. However, at least if I do get pg on a future cycle, especially a clomid cycle, I won't worry so much about a LPD-induced m/c. Not that a m/c can't happen, just that I know what I can do to help the odds. If a m/c were to happen then I'd know it was just God's will somehow, a fact of nature that it happens sometimes. I just don't want to feel responsible and now I don't think I will. Even if my LP isn't strong from now on I'll know it could be with what I'm doing.
I hope AF comes today, the sooner the better. I want to fax in my chart to my doctor, get the clomid, and settle in with a heating pad and chocolate. I want to move on. DH and I need to move on. We're both stressed. We're going to see family this weekend and that is stressful enough. I want to be able to enjoy ourselves and we'll need a few days to cope with dashed hopes before setting off for a very busy weekend. Plus, I don't want to have really bad cramps on the trip. I want the worst of it to happen before this weekend. This is likely to be a heavy and long AF with the LP being so long and my temps getting high. The sooner I get it over with the better.
ETA: AF finally came today. It was perfect timing, too. I had just enough time to print out my chart and fax it to my doctor before work.
I know his plan is to go 3-4 cycles before any testing. However, this cycle was just perfect. We BD'd enough and at the right times. I had a healthy LP/strong O. I know that God decides when pg happens and that we can do everything right and still God may not want it to happen now. So, yeah, not getting pg does not mean that I'm not healthy. That said, I wonder strongly if I have at least one blocked tube. It makes sense that I might have some endo. I don't want to go through 3-4 more months of this and find out at the end that it was all for nothing, that no matter how well I O'd and no matter how many times we BD'd and no matter what s/e I suffered through I couldn't get pg anyway. All the same, I don't know what the doctor would be willing to do or how fast he'll be willing to move. He may need more data or something (although he didn't do hardly any tests this time). He told me to call back tomorrow so I hope I can talk to him and see if he'll accelerate the process. Or maybe we can do clomid for predictability and schedule an HSG for the third cycle before O if he's booked solid for this cycle. I would feel so much better if I at least had it scheduled. Worst case scenario I get to cancel it due to this cycle being when I get pg.
I'm not sure how I feel right now. In many ways I'm relieved that AF arrived. I know I'm not pg. It came in lightly and the Aleve kept me from feeling any physical pain. I grieved so much this weekend that it's kinda all right now. I do wonder how I'll feel this cycle, though, around O time and afterwards. When will I lose my hope, my thoughts that it's worth getting excited about? Every 2WW is completely different whether I'm on clomid or not. I never have any real confidence that I'm really PMSing or not since it always feels different then all the other times I was PMSing. All the same, the mind protects itself from hurt whenever necessary.
I was thinking today about the things that I've started to accept that used to bother me so much. I've started to accept not only that I have a body that doesn't work right but even that it's not exactly a defect, either. I don't dwell on it or feel as guilty as before about the PCOS. I do worry that I'm not doing enough to make it right but the clomid-induced O takes that pressure off as well as the things I do for health like my walking and eating salads. I've accepted other things that I can do for fertility and they're not so big a deal anymore like drinking green tea and using pre-seed. I've accepted the desire for medical intervention and that we're not ready to adopt. DH has accepted the need for medical intervention as well. I'm much less hard on myself when I get irritable at key times. I've accepted that I shouldn't allow myself to get bitter about pregnancy or shut myself off too much.
All of that is all well and good, and it's a start. It's better then where I was. I still am not coping, though. I'm still too caught up in it. I'm still an emotional train-wreck for far too many weeks of the month. Clomid doesn't help, of course, and I blame many of my tears on that. Is there anything I can do, though? It's not like I can turn my desire to be pg off and on at will. I need the hope it can happen so that I do what will help like BD at the right time, chart, and take my meds. But it needs to be in balance so that, when it doesn't happen, I don't crumple completely. At least I'm coping in the sense that I go to work and behave the same there whether I feel bad or not. I still go to church even when I don't feel like it and I still see friends even if I know I won't enjoy it just to save face. It could be worse.
But could I thrive, not just get through this month after month? People tell us to just enjoy this time. I see so many mothers where I work and I know it's hard for them sometimes. Will I look back on this time, our first year of marriage, and regret my impatience? Will I wonder if I could have just relaxed and enjoyed the peace and quiet while it lasted? Will I miss life without morning sickness and all the other discomforts of pg/nursing? Of course I will but how much? If having kids wasn't such a basic part of life I would question this more. I think this journey is just what needs to happen. Yes, I'll look back on it. But is anyone my age not impatient about something, or ready to move on? I've always been this way and I probably will be for a very long time. This is just more open-ended and such a big deal. There is never a good time for a baby, never a secure time to bring new life into the world. I do know, though, that if something were to happen to DH tonight I would at least have the solace that I tried to bring his child into the world and I would regret never having a child with him. If we didn't try until later I would regret not trying earlier. So I guess I just have to go with this. If only I could find a way to not feel so alienated within my church, friends, and family. That is the biggest factor in my despair now, that loneliness. If I could do something about that I bet I would find that balance between hope/longing and peace/contentment. I need both. And I need friends.