I just wanted a place to put my thoughts, and I do hope that, if anyone reads this, that it will bring hope when I finally bring my child/children home someday. All I know now is that we will be parents!
About me and DH: We are Catholics. I bring that up first because it has so much to do with our TTC/adopt journey. It's not the top thing on my mind all the time, but our faith is important to us and I respect the decisions of the Church and am always open to learning more, whether I feel like debating it or not. And the Church has a lot to say about TTC, so it's a factor.
So anyway, DH and I met at a Bible study. He was wearing his Americorp shirt and I went right over to him after the talk (on marriage preparation, of all things!). I was a teacher through Americorp at the time, and knew we'd have something in common. He was so friendly, and I couldn't stop thinking about him. A year and a half later, we got married
We got married at a Catholic church, and the priest made us take NFP classes. We were going to anyway. We (well, I) decided that we were going to wait at least a year before TTC. We wanted to buy a house, and we figured that I had to work for a year before we'd have enough saved for a house. Well, a year before I even met DH, I got diagnosed with PCOS, but it wasn't so bad. However, when I started charting a year before the wedding, I realized how infrequently I O.
By the time we got married, I decided to stop postponing TTC. I figured it would take awhile. We started TTC the very first night. And, 8 months later, I know I was right. Since the wedding in June I have O'd twice, once on clomid. Our BD timing was perfect both times, but I've never been pg.
My emotions have run the gamut in the past 8 months. Sometimes I think I haven't been trying long enough to worry. Other times I feel like it's hopeless. I rarely O, and my O's are weak and I have LPD. I can't take progesterone to bring on AF on a long cycle because it makes me wicked-depressed. I hated clomid, and each cycle, with monitoring, costs over $300. Mostly I hate the (warning, TMI) rectal bleeding which makes my anal fissure much worse. Yeah, fun--I'm only 27! Anyway, so I hate clomid but I haven't ruled it out for the future.
As for the treatment, I hate the way the doctors treat people like they're a broken machine. I hate the pressure from paying so much (to us, $300 is a lot) just to "fail a test". I hate putting my life on hold and the obsessive what-ifs. And, partly because of the Catholic thing and partly because of the doctor's attitude, I won't go any further than clomid. Plus, if $300 is a lot...can you imagine? And I want kids naturally, and if clomid feels forced enough there is no way I'd be comfortable with anything else.
After the failed clomid cycle in December I spent January finding a house. We close on it next Monday! And I'm really excited because we're getting a dog next month. That will give me March-May to get the address changes done and get the dog settled in. Neither DH or I have ever had a dog so we have a lot to learn.
In June, I get to go help my cousin with her twins that are due in May. I've never helped with infants before, and she has 6 older kids that I'll babysit and help with, too. I can't wait! I'm nervous but excited to learn so much.
After June, I'm finally going to get serious about finding a job. I have been unemployed since I quit my teaching job at the end of the last school year, a week before the wedding. So this will give me a year to deal with wedding/house/dog/infertility before working again. I have no idea where I want to work, only that I want to start saving for adoption.
As for adoption, DH and I don't want to compete with other couples to be chosen by a BM for a newborn. We want to adopt kids who are legally free in the foster-care system. Siblings if we can't conceive, or one or two separate ones if we can conceive one or two of our own. I've already found an agency, Gladney, that I want to work with when we're ready.
I don't know about our timing or our age range. I just hope God will lead us through that. I know that the one-year mark, after I get back from my cousin's, will be hard. I know my DH and I really want to be parents. We feel ready. But, with getting older kids, it might be weird since our friends and family all have infants right now. We may get a kid as old as 9! So I feel like we should wait a few years at least. Plus, I may not even be infertile, just taking longer that we expected.
As for DH, he's so supporting about whatever I decide. He's excited about adoption and understanding when I'm hormonal (well, he tolerates me when I'm having a hard time tolerating myself!). He trusts my timing, too. He just wants to be a daddy.
So, anyway, that's the background. If you got through that you deserve a medal!