Just setting out...

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Just setting out...

I'm 27 and my DH and I have been married for just over three years. At this point he is still very vague about starting to TTC, but I know that this is something I want to do. He hasn't vetoed it yet, so we're at the point where I'm going to try to push to start trying (or at least stop not trying!)

One of my best friends is pregnant, the other has a nine month old, so babies are cropping up all around - if I'm honest, whilst I don't want to be thinking "you have a baby so I'd better have one too" it does bring it home to me that I really want to start a family, and soon. Also my grandad died a few weeks ago and something in me wants to get the next generation rolling.

I finished my current pill packet yesterday, and tentatively in the past have broached the idea with DH of stopping at the end of this one. He hasn't committed to that yet, BUT this weekend (ie tomorrow!) I intend to tell him I don't want to continue. So this is a bit of a turning point. It could be that after this weekend I am getting ready to TTC; it could be that a DH veto puts me back on the pill. My fingers are tightly crossed...

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Well I have taken a step forward...

We went to a wedding yesterday, just for the evening, and we were therefore both in a happy mood. I brought up the issue of stopping the BCP (and really, given the number of negative comments I've read on here, I wish I'd done it ages ago!) and DH agreed that I could stop Smile

However... I don't think he's quite ready yet to go any further forward, so I'm going to wait for my cycle to settle and let things happen. He did say 'there are other ways to stop getting pregnant' which doesn't bode well, but I reckon once the BCP issue is out of the way he will make up his mind soon that conceiving would be quite nice, really! I'm just going to keep my fingers crossed, keep counting days, and see how the cycles recur. With any luck, by the end of December it'll be ok and we can let it happen!

I've also been having fun playing with photobucket and adding things to my sig, so hopefully I can really enjoy using the boards! But I now ought to do some work...

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Couldn't resist posting my smugness at having done a load of marking and reduced my stress slightly over going to work tomorrow!

:boogie:

Can't get too excited though - unfortunately still have ten reports to write before Tuesday, and another pack of essays to mark!

:fallingbricks:

Oh well...

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AF is here with a vengeance today... CD2 and nasty cramps and other yuckiness. That's my biggest worry about going off BCP: the cramps. It was always TERRIBLE before I went on the pill (I used to faint in the school corridors!) so I hope it's not going to go back to that. All the more reason to hope that with DH's agreement I can get pregnant quickly, I guess.

I'm still nervous about bringing up that question fully. I guess I don't want him to say no, so I'm waiting as late as possible to see if that helps him come to a positive decision! Goodness knows if that will work. If by the middle of December I've had at least one cycle, then I think it will be possible to encourage him to let it happen. Oh, I sound like such a broken record! At least he knows how I feel.

Right now one of my cats (Persephone - the other one is Antigone) is sitting curled up on my lap, which is quite nice. But I am now thinking I ought to go and do some work - still have loads to do and it's now half six!!!

:shock:

Better cut and run and get on I guess...

:eekout:

Tomorrow I must post some photos of the cats, and try to think about something else other than babies.

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Nearly had a massive disaster at work today - my GCSE fast-track group's folder, containing ALL their coursework, were in a bin bag about to be thrown out! I cannot even begin to consider what a nightmare that would have been had they gone. I was really angry because my boss said I shouldn't have left them in the English office because it wasn't safe: it's the departmental office, for goodness sake! How could it not be a safe place? How was I supposed to know other people would decide to clear stuff away indiscriminately? Honestly... Sometimes I despair at work. I wish I knew when we were planning to pregnant so I could think about whether it's worth moving somewhere else - everything at my school is SO disorganised, it's just constantly stressful.

Anyway, I was going to post some photos of my cats, but as of yet I haven't worked out how to do that, so I'll save it for another day!

Still desperate to start TTC. The more I look around the site, the more keen I am. I KNOW I can be as good a parent as anyone can be, and I really want to see DH as a Dad - he'll be great. But, patience is a virtue I guess... Maybe one day soon we'll get there.

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Another day, another lazy evening - wish I could find some motivation! In a minute I'm going to go off and mark some essays...

Currently watching Trinny and Susannah and being highly amused by the women with the wrong bra size - how can they not know it's that far out? Surely it must HURT! Actually, I'm never sure I'm right, except for the fact that I can't POSSIBLY be any bigger than my bra size - I'm 27, 5'2" and a (wait for it)... 28F!!!!! At one stage I was a 32DD, but I seem to have refined my size to something truly frightening! I mean really, I have no back, and I'm all boob. I'm hoping if I lose some weight that they'll go down a bit...

Interesting aside on that is of course what will happen to them if I get pregnant?! My friend who varies according to her time of the month from an F to H, got up to a K in her maternity bra size. A K!!!!! Does that even exist in the real world? These are letters that should only ever be found in the alphabet!

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Here we are again. Work today not too bad with Year 11 doing their usual friendly idleness - "Oh Miss, do we have to do any work? It's not very exciting" - and most other classes ok.

Hilariously, I wore an empire line dress today and someone asked me if I was expecting. Not good as far as weight is concerned (do I really look that fat?!) but rather amusing as I kept thinking 'I wish I was!'.

It's really interesting reading all these comments on the boards. It probably isn't good therapy because it just makes me think about having children all the time, but it's still fascinating. I sometimes think that childbirth is all a big con on the part of the world at large, with all the pitfalls and problems hidden. For every woman that creates, sustains and and delivers a healthy baby, there is at least one another who has a loss or a delivery problem. You simply cannot count your chickens, however good hospitals are these days.

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Something of a set-back yesterday. Tried to talk to DH about TTC. After a light-hearted conversation joking about me wanting a baby he said "Well I wouldn't get your hopes up for this month", and quite happily I said "November's too early anyway - that would EDD in August! It would be at least December." To which he replied "I wouldn't set your heart on that either". I love him to bits but I wish he was a better communicator. I tried to ask him to just say no if he meant it (I mean at least then I could stop thinking about it) and he said he wasn't going to say no, but I have no idea whether he meant he isn't going to say no to babies forever or whether he meant he isn't going to say no to TTC soon... I'm so confused. Now I don't want to bring it up in case I irritate him by going on about it - I do tend to obsess about things...

I think part of the problem is he just doesn't like babies. He says they are a machine for turning money into sh*t and noise, which I think is a bit harsh! He does like children when they're a bit older and more interactive, but he has no motivation at all to want children because all they will do is impinge on his life - he cannot see any benefits. It's therefore very difficult to argue it's a good thing! I know (because we agreed on this before we got married) that he wants children eventually, but I would really like to know when!

I can't decide between two courses of action: sit him down now and plan (I am a planner) or indulge in the BDing and hope that he gets fed up with alternative methods of BC now I'm off the pill. He is quite spontaneous - so it may be that over Christmas if we are going to BD he might agree on the spur of the moment just not to worry about what might happen. It won't really be TTC, but it might lead to that...

I will just have to wait and see, I guess. But I have to admit to feeling really jealous of my two pregnant friends. I wonder whether he finds that difficult to understand, being male...

Anyway, AF is nearly over, so it won't be long before the BDing resumes - and I'll leave the issue of BC up to him, I guess!

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Just made some chocolate beetroot cakes to use up the beetroot from our organic veg box. Have tried one and I'm not convinced they're the most delicious things ever! The taste is a bit weird - although it may just be the subconscious knowledge that there is beetroot in it!

Otherwise have had a quiet morning. DH has gone out to go clay-pigeon shooting with his Dad and his brothers (last year's Christmas present!) and I've been a bit lazy, apart from making the cakes.

Must go and put some washing on...

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Went to dinner last night with pregnant friend and some others. I haven't seen her for ages and weirdly the baby belly (she's 23 weeks) was a bit of a shock! It just seems strange to think the girl I used to coo over babies in Sainsbury's with is going to have one of her own... On the one hand I am absolutely thrilled, on the other I am somewhat jealous, but the main feeling is I would like to have one soon so my friends and I have children of a similar age.

I was also a bit surprised because she won't say what her name choices are - which my other friend also withheld when she had her little girl. I would just tell everybody what the options were (but then I'm crap at keeping secrets) but both of them refused to - is it supposed to be bad luck or something?

Still, DH was mellowing slightly on the way home I think - I managed not to say anything! I think my plan is going to be the way forward. He knows me well enough to see how I felt sitting talking about pregnancy, appointments, names and birthing plans all evening!

I've bought some O predictor tests to help me see when and whether my cycle settles (there seem to be a lot of people who don't find out for ages they're not ovulating, and I want to know that's happening sooner rather than later). They're only simple little things but I figured otherwise I can't tell whether anything's happening or not. Plus I guess it tells me when I need to work on DH for BC-free BDing!

My friend apparently became pregnant the month they started trying. Went on holiday, decided to try, BDed once or twice and came home pregnant. Unbelievable.

Stopping the BCP is resulting in some interesting side-effects thus far. Headaches, continuing cramps even though AF has flown the nest, and weird mood swings. Reading the board about it thought that doesn't seem to be a surprise. I only hope it all settles down quickly.

On a more serious note - I have to go to the doctor on Thursday. I've been putting on weight slightly for the last few years. I tend to be tired all the time, and even :puke: fairly regularly if I get too tired or don't eat enough to keep energy levels up. I eat well, loads of veg and the right sort of meat, don't eat lots of crisps and chocolate, and yet I still have very little energy. My hands and feet get cold very easily and I tend to feel the cold a lot generally. I find it hard to exercise because I can get dizzy easily. This might just be lack of fitness, but it all seems a bit more sinister when you consider that my mum and my gran (her mum) both have/had autoimmune hypothyroidism...

So on my mum's instructions I am off to the doctor to see whether there's any chance that I am developing that (great). The good news is it's easily treatable of course, the bad news it makes pregnancy a bit more of an issue. Anyway, we'll see what the doctor says.

Other than that I am sitting here about to watch the silence on the Remembrance Day coverage.

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Did NOT want to get up to go to work this morning - I hate Mondays. Mainly it's because I didn't do enough work over the weekend to make sure I was ready for the day, but there are times I just really resent the fact that as a teacher I have enough work for me to just keep going all day every day, and I never get anything finished. I wrote a to-do list this morning - an A4 page of small handwriting. And I didn't get a chance to do any of it!

It doesn't help that we've got to re-plan all the A-level teaching because of the boards' stupid new system. We're going from teaching 4 texts a year to 6, without any more teaching time. And additionally 40% of the syllabus is now coursework (thought they wanted to move away from coursework?) so now we're assessing 40% of the grade and presumably the exam boards have to do considerably less? Even more oddly, from 3 papers for 4 texts its now 2 papers (1 of which we assess as coursework) for 6 texts... So the kids have to discuss 4 texts in one 2 hour paper! This means if they want to retake, they virtually have to relearn the entire course. The worst thing is that given how crap and inaccurate the marking is, there aren't 3 papers to balance it out over - if the board messes up, that's it!

I'm so cross about it... It's one more thing about teaching that ticks me off! I honestly don't know how long I can stick it... Which is terrible, because I love the kids. Love the kids, hate the system. No wonder teaching's in crisis.

(Aw cute - my cats are washing each other!)

Had another real twinge of pro-baby feeling today... I haven't given up hope yet that DH will give in! I would LOVE IT if my two friends and me were all briefly pregnant at the same time...

Right. Must mark essays.

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Ok, so I was surprised that a few people appear to be reading this! And for the record here are some pictures of important stuff...

Our cats
Antigone (Tiggy) and Persephone (Sephy)

DH and me at our wedding August 04

My niece and me at the wedding (shows dress off quite well!)

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Very busy day today - free lessons all morning so spent the time polishing off marking and admin. I had a training session on a computer programme we're using as well.

Nothing very exciting then! DH is back in a bit, not too late tonight, so we'll actually get some time together which is nice! Cats have gone out stalking imaginary animals (they can't get real ones!) so all is quiet for the moment.

And relax...

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Had a very funny moment today. I have a foundation year 11 group whose talents lie in other places than academia. They are really really sweet. They're studying Of Mice and Men and at the end of today's lesson I told them what we'd be doing tomorrow...

Me: Ok, so tomorrow we're going to start looking in more detail at the themes, and we'll be talking a lot about dreams and the American Dream
BB: Is that like that dream that black guy made a speech about?
TM: Yeah! Luther Vandross...

I fell about laughing...

Otherwise no exciting changes to report. DH has already moved towards alternative BC now the pill's out of the way, so no progress there Sad Feel a bit sad, really.

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Ok, need to say it somewhere, and here's as good a place as any...

I really want to start a family. I never thought I'd start wanting it this much. It's really weird. And I feel bad for feeling low - there are so many more desperate people with much bigger problems than I have.

So like many people I am going to sort myself out and be patient. But admitting you feel something is a good step toward sorting that feeling.

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Haven't posted for a couple of days due to busy-ness! Had a black-tie dinner last night with lots of friends, in Cambridge, and was out socialising until 2:30am! I am completely exhausted now (and a bit hungover...)

This morning went to the Christmas Craft Fair at Wimpole Hall (local NT property) which was nice. Had some very nice stuff - bought a couple of presents. Also went to Burwash Manor, which is a collection of little, odd, shops; included a really fabulous womenswear shop selling among other things extremely beautiful cashmere cardigans that I can't afford to buy!

Nothing has shown up on the OPKs yet but yesterday I did have (TMI coming up) the most DISGUSTING CM I've ever seen (just didn't happen while I was on the BCP). It was literally like I had the foulest cold ever and had sneezed into the loo paper. Utterly amazing! It was so thick when it came through it felt like I was having AF. I'm not sure what that means from an ovulation point of view but I'll look to see if anything comes up on the OPKs today and tomorrow - might do a bit of extra testing.

No news from DH yet on TTC, but the rest of life is ok. Had a long chat to a rather sad old friend yesterday and I think I helped him feel a bit better, which was nice. He's broken up with his girlfriend of a few years - she ended it, two weeks after they moved in together...
I must make more effort to keep in touch with everyone.

It would be so nice to be trying for a baby over Christmas. I wonder if we'll get to that...

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Great excitement...

There was definitely a line on the OPK this afternoon. So much so I redid it later and it was darker. Not dark enough yet that the surge is there but it looks like it could be on the way. If that's the case I'd be ovulating dead on the time I should have done, if the old cycles were real rather than BCPed: Day 14 of a 29 day cycle.

I'm going to test again later and again in the morning (although obviously not FMU) to see if the line is dark enough to confirm the LH surge. If so, that is really promising, I think. I'd hope that suggests it shouldn't take too long to return to normal - although I won't get my hopes up too much!

Anyway, coupled with the icky mucus yesterday this is all looking quite good at the moment. Even if we're not going to TTC just yet I'd still like to know things are working as they should...

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Hoorah! Checked again last night and test line was definitely as dark as the control line. So that suggests I'm definitely about to O. And that would be about today I guess, which is day 15... (meant that yesterday - 14 was the positive result on the OPK) so for the moment at least everything seems to be working! Will be interesting to see if that continues next cycle - I assume AF will be as expected this month given when I've Oed...

Still haven't convinced the DH yet though. Have tried to go for BD spontaneity, but he's not playing the game. Won't go for it at all without some form of protection, however into it we are Sad

So I think I will have to sit him down and have the discussion about it.

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Well, had a conversation with DH yesterday - and there was progress!

He has two concerns about pregnancy:

1) We are always knackered, and often too tired for sex - he's worried a baby would make this worse. I think part of the problem has been being on the pill, which seems to have killed my sex drive. Certainly in the last few weeks I've felt much more responsive and this is all good. Having children will definitely make a difference at first - but we know we are strong enough to survive without sex for the healing time afterwards, and from then on people do manage to get their sex lives back to normal!

2) I suffered from depression last year and got off the medication this summer. He's concerned that the emotional upheaval will be too much. I think this is going to be an issue whenever it happens (my mum was hospitalised with PPD) and now I've had it once I know the symptoms and can act if I need to.

So actually I was rather touched at the sensible concerns and the fact this wasn't just a blanket no. I think we can work with this...

Anyway we're off to London tomorrow because DFIL is getting his MBE!!! It's very exciting. DH is actually going to the ceremony and will see his dad meet the Queen - I am just going to the family lunch afterwards. But still, very exciting!

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MBE ceremony was very nice apparently, and I enjoyed dinner with everyone! I was in the privileged position of being chosen by my niece to sit next to her - and was then presented with my own 'award': an AofAV, or the Award for being Auntie Vicki! Clearly a very limited group able to achieve that! She's cute, and a budding genius (she told us quite seriously and with total comprehension that 'air is a colourless gas'. She was 3 and a half...)

DH is very very stressed as he can't decide whether or not to take a new job he's been offered. Work is hard for both of us (teaching's a nightmare in the run-up to Christmas) and so I'm not planning on broaching the TTC question again just for the moment. It's not really relevant for a week or two anyway - I'm on CD18, reckon I ovulated a few days ago, and so there's a bit to go before we try. I would so like to have an EDD for September, but I'm not sure how possible that's going to be. For a start my cycle needs to settle and then I need to convince DH and then we'd need to fall pg first go - all seems rather unlikely. Still I live in hope! Fingers crossed all settled and DH calms down...

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Well DH has decided to turn down the new job, which is fine - whatever makes him happy is fine by me. It seems as though work have woken up to the fact that he needs a challenge, so hopefully they'll start giving him more exciting things to do.

I had parents evening tonight - I don't have the energy really to write about it, but I met lots of lovely parents and one set of terrifically pushy parents who terrified the life out of me because I wondered why they felt their poor daughter had be 'challenging herself' ALL the time! What about enrichment and breadth of experience and enjoyment? I am SO writing down all this stuff because if I EVER catch myself being like this I will give myself a big smack.

Otherwise things were not too bad today. One of the cats was ill in the night so I was a bit worried about her, but it turns out she's ok and clearly just ate something outside that she shouldn't have done!

Low feelings have come back a bit, which worries me. Can't decide if it's work stress (it's all very busy at the moment), the nasty black cloud coming back, or just wanting to TTC! Hopefully it's the latter, and we can fix it.

Still, Christmas shopping is slowly getting done - hoorah!

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Had a nice time after work - went for a cup of tea and a biscuit at my friend's house and had a cuddle with the baby!

Still knackered, and worried about the blood test on Monday. I usually faint. This obviously is a slight worry if I ever get pregnant and become a human pincushion! But in the immediate future I am concerned about passing out on the nurse, who I'm quite sure will be unimpressed with my patheticness. It's not a conscious thing - I'm not even scared of needles - but I do seem unable to function after I've had one. Last time they had to close the room for 45 minutes while I recovered!

I ought to go and cook. But to do that I have to wash up. DH isn't back yet and I feel tired and lazy and don't want to do anything. I've been snacking on mozzarella and pepperoni out of the fridge (that can't be good!) and I'm not keen on making anything - but I have chicken that needs using up, and I can't waste it.

Life is a complex thing. Was it always like this, or is this the way we made it? Did we over technologise the world until everything had to happen at such a cracking pace no-one had time to think? Or does every generation unjustifiably believe it's hard done by? Is it because most people are no longer worried where the next meal is coming from or that they'll die if they catch flu, so they have to worry about other, arguably more trivial stuff instead? Either way, I wish we could all just slow down, and enjoy the winter.

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I'm moving on with the Christmas shopping - did a few more bits today. There's a new John Lewis in Cambridge which is huge and gorgeous (and has a big Whistles and a big Coast section!!) so I was actually a bit disappointed to have my DH with me meaning I had to stick to the Xmas related itinerary.

Still no giving in on the baby front. He mentioned next year, I pointed out that that was not great as far as work goes (I will NOT abandon my sixth form classes a couple of months before their A-levels; after the ASs and before they start their A2s, fine, but not at a point where the head'll just throw some idiot who doesn't know what they're doing into my shoes).

It's so frustrating that the timing seems so right to me and yet he's still reluctant. In the next few years, nothing about our situation will change, except I'll get older, my niece and nephew will get older and less close to any child of ours in age, likewise my friends' children. And if it takes a long time, if there's a problem - well it'll take even longer.

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Yahoo

Managed to do some marking!!! Feel much better. Haven't been able to concentrate properly for weeks (wonder if that's due to coming off BCP? Or it could be hypothy if I do have that) and it is such a relief to get some work out of the way.

I made a beautiful list yesterday. I want to show DH that I am not just treating this as an emotional decision but have factored in the practicalities as well. So I wrote an Excel spreadsheet of all the things you need to 'set-up' for the baby, like cot, mattress, blankets, pram/pushchair, car seat - even down to maternity wear and post-partum toiletries! Then I spent a secretly enjoyable hour going through Mothercare online looking up how much stuff will cost, and totalled up the whole lot. It actually came to much less than I expected, and the family would contribute to some things too, so all in all it was quite reasonable! Plus I found myself getting sentimental out of all proportion over baby blankets and cute little babygros. DH seemed impressed, and also mildly amused. I don't really blame him for the latter. I am starting to feel slightly obsessed - but I figure that doesn't matter - I'm staying sane and happy, and any child of ours will most definitely be wanted and longed-for!

I feel so sad for all the women (and men) on here who can't get pregnant. It just seems wrong somehow. I still feel guilty writing about feeling sad just for not trying, when so many people are trying and not succeeding. And I don't go for the 'it isn't in God's plan' response either...

I don't have faith. I wasn't brought up that way, and although I think there is a something it's much more of a vague belief in fate. It's quite a flexible theological system! My DH does believe in God, but is not evangelical, so we get along just fine. When we have children, they'll be christened because that's what he believes is right, we'll educate them about what all religions believe and allow them to choose in an educated way. Ignoring religion entirely I think just leads to prejudice and misunderstanding - the more we know about different belief systems and why some people don't believe in anything, the more tolerant we become as a society. Well that's what I think, anyway.

DH has eaten a great roast dinner cooked by yours truly today; hopefully he'll be in a positive mood to discuss babies later. I'd love to get him to ditch the BC and leave it up to God/fate!

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Yay! Survived the blood test and was left with nothing but dizziness and mild nausea for an hour or so and a sore arm. I will get the results on Friday.

As the doctor and my house are half an hour away from work I also got to come home and not go back to work afterwards - very nice indeed! Means I can relax for a bit, then get a bit of shopping and then do some marking. I'm still on the relaxing bit now though... Wink

CD 23 and AF not here yet which is great. This is my first cycle off BCP and I ovulated on Day 15 (I think) and I'll be delighted if I get AF on CD 28/9. We'll have to see, I guess. I just want a good shot at conception in December to get a chance at September!

Dh is still in the process of mellowing. We are now joking around about children and the whole atmosphere is nice and relaxed - a very positive sign. With any luck, he'll be happy to go for it... Although he did buy a big-ish box of condoms on Sunday... Sad

Here's hoping.

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I am SOOO hyper! Maybe this is some weird hormonal reaction to having my first natural cycle, but I am having major energy surges! At the same time I am also feeling strangely emotional about all kinds of random stuff. It's quite unsettling.

Work was great today too - 4 free lessons, and I marked and marked and marked and achieved masses for the first time in I don't know how long. It was great, meant I could have a nice relaxing evening, although I did have to make a sympathy card to send.

With reference to that, I really hope that the horribleness of this year is over. It has been so sad. If anyone's reading this I apologise for the morbid nature of what follows, but it does feel good to list it and accept it.

Just over a year ago, a uni friend of ours committed suicide;
Following this I realised that I also wasn't really well and that her death made it worse; I then went on anti-depressant medicine for just under a year;
The father of an old school friend of mine, who is also an old family friend and an old school friend of my dad, died two weeks after a sudden and unexpected diagnosis of throat cancer;
My friend and head of department at work had a heart attack (after a stroke last year) and was in hospital for a while;
My grandad died, suddenly, of a heart attack;
A family friend of DH's, whom we stayed with in Canada in 2001, died suddenly of complications after a bypass operation;
My Nan was diagnosed with Alzheimers and had to go into a home.

To be honest, I've had enough of all the people I know being upset about stuff. It stinks. Here's hoping that 2008 is a much pleasanter, happier year.

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Well I am SHATTERED. Blood test results are tomorrow, so that'll be interesting to find out. I can barely keep my eyes open at work though - makes it very difficult to teach!

DH has been very stressed over work the last couple of days so I've left him alone. I did write a beautiful list on email though of all the reasons I want a baby - made me feel very positive. I shall wait for a good moment before showing it to DH though!

I am being so lazy, too. I should be working but I just can't summon the motivation. Again.

Year 11 were good today though - actually got on and wrote an essay, in the lesson! Wonders will never cease... Cheered me up no end.

I've been continuing to do little things to prepare for TTC. I ordered some HPTs and have stashed them in the wardrobe ready for use! It does make me a bit calmer just to take those baby steps forward.

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Blood test results are in - no thyroid issues (hoorah!) and just very mild anaemia with no action to take. Good stuff.

So it seems that, having spoken to Mum, the likely culprit for the feeling knackered and nauseous all the time is my asthma. I admit I haven't managed it properly - or more honestly I just didn't know how much I had to do - and it's quite possible that this means on a regular basis I don't get enough oxygen. Mum says when I was little I didn't use to wheeze in a classic asthma way; I just used to keel over and fall asleep. So it might wel be that lack of oxygen is causing me weakness, tiredness and nausea.

New plan: take asthma meds twice a day and see what happens! Much better than a thyroid problem though!

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September's out. DH says no. Won't say when, either. At least this morning when I tried to have a conversation about it he said he wasn't going to talk about it at 8am on a Saturday morning. I'd have thought lying in bed together with no immediate need to get up was rather a good time to talk - but apparently not.

I'm having a hard time accepting it. But I can't really do anything about it. Feeling rather overwhelmed as AF without BCP is about to arrive for the first time so I'm really emotional anyway. Don't know what to do about my job, whether to find a new one - but then how can I tell the kids I'm leaving to go somewhere else? They'll feel so abandoned.

No idea what to do. Feel totally out of control and planless. And I hate being without a plan.

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All is much better today. I MADE DH sit down yesterday to talk about his less than clear signals about what we were doing about TTC. Finally we had a proper talk about it all and he clarified things and I feel a lot better!

Basically he says he may well be able to commit to TTC even in january - but he can't say for sure because if he could then he could commit now. He has a few things on his mind which he wants to feel happy about first. This month is probably out but no guarantee - and you never know, he may let loose on O day!

He knows and understands my concerns about timing, and with any luck and a happy healthy Christmas for both of us (he's worried, justifiably, about the depression returning) then January may be the month.

I feel so much better. Yahoo

AF arriving and putting paid to the awful PMT may have helped. For once, kudos to the :witch: !

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UGH AF IS NASTY!

First proper one since going off BCP and it's horrible and heavy and gross.

Tired because of that and parents evening (yep, another one) and so I'm not going to write anything except to say that I am learning to knit. Whoo-hoo!

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I am still really tired but I think it's just the end of term. I can't wait for the holidays, I'm desperate for a break. I think this is the hardest timetable I've ever had. Every year group I teach except one has a public exam at the end of the year - 1 set of A2s, 2 sets of ASs, 2 sets of GCSEs and a set of KS3 SATs. That's about 140 students, all of whom want individual help and guidance on what to do! It's utterly exhausting - I don't remember the last time I had a lunch break where I didn't just gulp down my lunch and dash off to see some pupil or other.

On the plus side DH and I are having all kinds of fun. We are generallly relaxed and happy at home and DTD has increased in frequently since I came off the pill. With any luck this will convince him that having a baby is a good idea!

As I said I am learning to knit! I've ordered some work and started practising. I figured it would be really nice to be able to knit some baby related things for friends (and hopefully for me)!

However as usual I have loads of marking to do... I better get on with it.

So I will end with some positive vibes aimed at DH (so he subliminally gets the message but I don't nag...)

Babies babies babies babies babies babies babies babies babies .... Wink

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CD 7 has arrived and AF is slowly disappearing. I'm feeling in so many minds about everything at the moment that I'm all over the place! I really want to TTC, but I'm still feeling guilty about leaving my sixth formers during their course! Which I really didn't ought to because my first priority is to my life, not them - but it's hard not to feel a little unhappy about it.

AF arrived a day early this month - so my next AF is due Dec 23rd. That means that not only will I be testing early if DH changes his mind this cycle, but that I may well get another shot at September! I really like the people on the birth board, and I really want to stay, but the chances of that happening given I haven't even started to TTC seem slim!

Still my friends are behind me - they'd like me to stay close to their kids in age! They're lovely, I'm very lucky. That's what I keep clinging to that life is about - family and friends.

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Oh botheration...

Misread the numbers on my predicted AF date - not the 23rd but the 29th (I knew something was screwy about that) so I will only get the one chance - this week - at September. But I think I am going to have to accept that that is not going to happen. Still, I am too amused at my own stupidity to mind too much.

I am going to jump on DH in the next few days and see what he will do. Hopefully decide just to leave it to chance rather than using BC!

Work is getting more and stressful by the day. Christmas is coming and the kids are getting restless. More fidgeting, more whingeing, more late homework and more high spirits getting otherwise nice kids into trouble. It's really tiring! I had a strange incident today as well - turns out one of my Year 10s is phobic of blood, so when I showed The Great Gatsby DVD on the screen in the lecture theatre, she fainted when Myrtle cuts her fingers. Great! Why don't they tell us these things in advance?

Otherwise there is nothing exciting to report. Still waiting, still hoping, still look forward to the end of term next week.

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Still knackered...

No O yet, which might be good - gives me a few more days for DH to think! His parents are up tomorrow though, which always stresses me out... They're not awful, just tiring, and I am already so tired I don't think I'll handle it very well.

Still, only a week to go... Speech day on Monday. Need to go into Cambridge and hire a hood to wear. I wouldn't dress up but this year it's my year group and I feel I owe it to them to give a good show.

Anyway, must head off to bed soon...

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Well O came and went and we DTD only once in my F period- with BC! So I am not pregnant this cycle. DH has been working stupidly hard (it's nearly ten o'clock and he's still not home!) so now is not the time to broach it.

I still feel really positive about TTC in the New Year though. After Christmas I think he'll feel relaxed enough to talk about it and we can go ahead. I hope so, anyway! It's strange - I know he's happy with the idea; it's just that he needs to get over his last scruples over timing.

I'm looking on the bright side to not being pregnant this cycle too - no need to worry too much about what to eat and drink over Christmas!

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Well I've been a bit quiet over Christmas, so time for an update.

I had a nasty nasty flold (a cold, but nasty like flu!) over the holiday so I've felt pretty rotten. I'm only just coming out of that and now it means I've just got a week left of the holiday in which to feel bad about having to go back to work! At least if I was pregnant I'd know it wasn't for good.

Over Christmas my niece announced that she wanted more cousins, and my SIL told us she thought we must be in the right place by now (oh, and she is now engaged at last which is GREAT), so I took that as a sign. I've told DH that as far as I'm concerned it is happening, because I feel it's right, and I'm expecting that he will be ready by the time I ovulate because I feel like this is the month. He seemed bemused, but resigned to a certain extent (in a good way!) Perhaps this positive thinking will be the way forward. I've also been tidying the house like mad because if I'm going to be ready, I need to be ready with a baby-friendly house. It can't hurt for him to see a more practical side of my usually fairly scatty self.

Tomorrow we're off early to IKEA to do a shopping trip for some furniture, and then we're hosting a new year's eve party, which hopefully will go well. At least I'm not throwing up from excess catarrgh any more, so that might help with the success rate!

Anyway, in summary: No jellybean yet, but a whole lot of hope for this cycle (currently day 2)

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CD 10

Still no step forward... Except we have had a long conversation (again) and we keep taking baby steps forward each time. So apparently (if the actually getting pregnant works) I will definitely be pregnant by August! No guarantee of that though, is there... But at least I know we're not looking at too long before trying.

DH encouraged me to look into practical considerations such as maternity leave, pay and timing (so he clearly is getting there!) and, what do you know but it turns out that this month or next month would be the right month to get pregnant! So having hinted he's probably heading for a no, DH looked a bit surprised to find out that logic led us to now...

So who knows! He may turn around this week and say it's a go-er, if not at least I know now we're not going to have to wait for ages and ages and ages...

On a different note, the cats are being highly amusing. Sephy emptied the entire contents of a bag of elastic bands over the study, one at a time, and Tiggy crawled into bed yesterday, under the covers, and went to sleep with her head on the pillow. They have such a terrible life...

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CD 16, and exciting things have been happening.

I think I Od on CD13, after EWCM on CD 12 and a positive OPK same day. So I reckon O turned up early. I'd given up on this month because DH still wasn't sure. But then Friday night (CD14) we went out to dinner and had a really nice conversation about babies and names and family stuff. Then on Sat am (CD15) in bed when we DTD he forwent the BC! Afterwards he said he wasn't sure he could commit to stopping for good yet, but as it seemed likely the fertile time was past he was happy to risk it. This is a major step forward, and I am excited. He also said that we could still manage to work the maternity leave well if we were due in November - so I really do think he's ready to come round!

More excitingly I'm guessing it's possible I was fertile at the time we DTD! There's no guarantee, but no O prediction is totally accurate, so it COULD happen. It's not likely, but it is possible. So I guess in a way I'm in a 2WW of sorts...

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Ok, weirdly I have been feeling very peculiar all day. I don't really believe I could be pregnant because of the timing issue, but it could be subconsciously psychological I guess.

I feel strange, first of all. Kind of odd and with a sort of fluttery nervous feeling in my stomach - although I don't feel at all stressed, or excited or nervous. All day I've been having a dull ache in my abdomen, low down, and occasionally pinching, pulling cramps. Now I rarely have PMS this early, but I'm guessing that's the most likely explanation. I guess I'm probably about 3dpo, or maybe 4, but if I'm 4 I don't see how on earth I'm pregnant.

I also need to pee a lot. I could just be starting a urine infection I guess! All that extra DTD might have resulted in that. But there's no pain when I urinate (TMI sorry!) and it just keeps coming! I must have been five or six times this afternoon.

Oh well. Time will tell.

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Hmmm...

Have a very sore tummy, and feel very very tired. I have a horrible feeling this is a UTI - but that said only the stomache and the need to pee fit. There's no pain when I go anyway, and there's always something to come out - there's none of that needing to go and finding nothing comes. I don't feel good though.

I really don't think I can be pregnant, so I'm taking some over the counter stuff that seemed safe. Hopefully in a couple of days it'll be fine. And then hopefully AF will show up quickly so I can start a proper cycle TTC!

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Well, 9dpo. And I am coming to the conclusion that something is going on. Lots of things say it shouldn't be - the time we BDed, the fact that it's only month 1 of trying, the fact that I don't feel THAT tired... But I have to be honest... it feels like it might just be a possibility.... (ooh I hardly dare write that...)

Anyway here's the symptoms I posted earlier on Oct:

"VickiS" wrote:

an afternoon in which my boobs hurt so badly it was difficult to move my arms, and although I don't feel at all ill, I've had waves of nausea so powerful I thought I was actually going to throw up. I had a strong cramping feeling for an hour or so, and then needed to go to the loo (for the millionth time today)...

What do you think? Symptoms so far have been:

Nausea and AF type cramps since 2dpo
Needing to go to the loo a lot since 3dpo
Constant hunger, even after eating, since 4dpo
Sore boobs since 7dpo
Sharp twinges on low left side of abdomen yesterday at 8dpo
And symptoms as above today at 9dpo.

I had spotting today - a very, very small amount of pink tinge when wiping. Implantation? And I feel SO dizzy and SO sick at moments - then it goes again. If I'm not pregnant - well, I don't know what the hell is going on...

I made a resolution not to test until 12dpo. So only three days to go...

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Well... More spotting today, which just about convinced me AF is on her way, but it hasn't become anything more than spotting and a tiny bit of brown on a pantliner. Normally within a few hours I am well and truly bleeding, so this isn't obviously a period and nor is it clearly anything else!

I never realised how stressful this is... I'm trying to stay calm. 10dpo. I've said I'll wait until Wednesday. Can I wait that long? I've made up my mind only to use FMU, so if I can get through tomorrow morning then I can probably wait until Wednesday!

Some of me wants to wait until AF is due anyway (Saturday) as I'd rather see AF than get a BFN and not know, I think.... Ooh I just don't know! It would be so great if I WAS pregnant... I'd be able to know I was pregnant at my SILs wedding on March 16th - that would be very cool...

Calm down, calm down, calm down...

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Nope, the ruddy witch went and showed her ugly self overnight!

Stupid :witch:

Oh well. I have another shot at October now as for some reason I have had only a 25 day cycle. So let's hope DH sticks with the lack of BC...

Come on honey... you know it's the right decision...

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HORRIBLE day today. DH is stressed to the max and has been carping at me and refusing to speak all day. I'm well prepared for dealing with a toddler seeing as I have him to cope with!

I appreciate that work is bad but why does he have to take it out on me? Plus I worry about him being so on edge and he takes that the wrong way too, saying I'm interfering if I try to be caring. Honestly. Men.

So now I can't really bring up the issue of TTC properly, and he's so stressed he even reneged on his promise to DTD this evening because he's not in the mood. I am now afraid he's going to say no again this month, that we're not ready, and if he doesn't go for it I know I will be REALLY upset, which will put something of a downer on Valentine's Day.

Next cycle's predictions are: O on the 5th, AF due on the 19th.

Please please please please can this be my month? At least to TRY? Oh how do I not get my hopes up? I need to stay calm, even though work is stressy, or that will inhibit my attempts to conceive anyway.

I went out to dinner last night and my two pregnant friends spent all night talking babies and pregnancy. DH was irritated, I was sad. It was a nice evening, but difficult.

Anyway, I guess there's nothing I can do for now. Just keep hoping.

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Please please please let me just be feeling a bit low today and this not be something to do with depression.

I feel totally inadequate at my job today. No reason that I can think of, just generally like I'm really bad. I don't feel awful as a person yet, so let's hope this is just a blip.

I can't be depressed, because if I'm depressed I can't TTC, or at least I know I didn't ought to.

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Well I feel much better today. DH has cheered up after a more productive day at work. No news on the TTC but then I haven't asked. I'm waiting to DTD and then we can see what happens.

He's out at a meeting now. I've just finished the thrilling task of writing my reports and I'm now vegging on the sofa with a nice glass of raspberry and cranberry juice. Work is still pretty crap at my end but I'm coping ok.

I've also got a date booked to babysit my friend's LO (11 months - or will be) for a WHOLE DAY on friday 15th! That will be exciting, and a bit of a challenge. Good practice, I hope, as well...

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Wow!

Well we DTD last night WITHOUT BC!!! WHooo!!!

Hopefully this is where DH is going this month... I am really excited!

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NO BC IS CONTINUING!!! I think we are GO for, if not TTC, letting it happen at least.

BUT DH had trouble being that interested this morning - I think I pounced on him too early! it was great fun but er, no deposit was forthcoming, so that was disappointing because today is CD 12 and I think the timing is PERFECT. So I am going to try and jump on him this evening and hope things go better.

I'm concerned this cycle won't be the one though - can't seem to cope without lube, however much we muck around beforehand. I'm trying to use as little as possible, and I've ordered some pre-seed, but I'm not sure that'll be here in time for Oing... We'll see.

In the meantime, if you're reading this, keep your fingers crossed we get it right this evening!

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Ah- HAH!

BDed last night with much success. Think I may have missed my O surge on the OPKs though - visible line neg at 1pm yesterday - very faint again by today at 5:30. Have had cramps today so quite possibly have Od... But equally possibly not. Have not seen anything like the EWCM I usually do. (Although more sex may have disguised that). Anyway, if I Od today then yesterday will cover it, if I O tomorrow probably still and we will DTD tomorrow night to cover that anyway.

Feeling absolutely knackered!

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Well, virtually positive OPK today - so looks like I caught the tail end of a surge today! Cramps and twinges all day. Sunday would therefore still have been a good day for BDing (two days before, I reckon) but I need to get DH into bed again tonight.

Fortunately the Pre-Seed arrived! yay! Hopefully things will be fun AND effective! And my new OPKS also arrived just in time to test today! Woo-hoo... Maybe this is a sign...

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