Well DH has decided to turn down the new job, which is fine - whatever makes him happy is fine by me. It seems as though work have woken up to the fact that he needs a challenge, so hopefully they'll start giving him more exciting things to do.
I had parents evening tonight - I don't have the energy really to write about it, but I met lots of lovely parents and one set of terrifically pushy parents who terrified the life out of me because I wondered why they felt their poor daughter had be 'challenging herself' ALL the time! What about enrichment and breadth of experience and enjoyment? I am SO writing down all this stuff because if I EVER catch myself being like this I will give myself a big smack.
Otherwise things were not too bad today. One of the cats was ill in the night so I was a bit worried about her, but it turns out she's ok and clearly just ate something outside that she shouldn't have done!
Low feelings have come back a bit, which worries me. Can't decide if it's work stress (it's all very busy at the moment), the nasty black cloud coming back, or just wanting to TTC! Hopefully it's the latter, and we can fix it.
Still, Christmas shopping is slowly getting done - hoorah!
Had a nice time after work - went for a cup of tea and a biscuit at my friend's house and had a cuddle with the baby!
Still knackered, and worried about the blood test on Monday. I usually faint. This obviously is a slight worry if I ever get pregnant and become a human pincushion! But in the immediate future I am concerned about passing out on the nurse, who I'm quite sure will be unimpressed with my patheticness. It's not a conscious thing - I'm not even scared of needles - but I do seem unable to function after I've had one. Last time they had to close the room for 45 minutes while I recovered!
I ought to go and cook. But to do that I have to wash up. DH isn't back yet and I feel tired and lazy and don't want to do anything. I've been snacking on mozzarella and pepperoni out of the fridge (that can't be good!) and I'm not keen on making anything - but I have chicken that needs using up, and I can't waste it.
Life is a complex thing. Was it always like this, or is this the way we made it? Did we over technologise the world until everything had to happen at such a cracking pace no-one had time to think? Or does every generation unjustifiably believe it's hard done by? Is it because most people are no longer worried where the next meal is coming from or that they'll die if they catch flu, so they have to worry about other, arguably more trivial stuff instead? Either way, I wish we could all just slow down, and enjoy the winter.
I'm moving on with the Christmas shopping - did a few more bits today. There's a new John Lewis in Cambridge which is huge and gorgeous (and has a big Whistles and a big Coast section!!) so I was actually a bit disappointed to have my DH with me meaning I had to stick to the Xmas related itinerary.
Still no giving in on the baby front. He mentioned next year, I pointed out that that was not great as far as work goes (I will NOT abandon my sixth form classes a couple of months before their A-levels; after the *** and before they start their A2s, fine, but not at a point where the head'll just throw some idiot who doesn't know what they're doing into my shoes).
It's so frustrating that the timing seems so right to me and yet he's still reluctant. In the next few years, nothing about our situation will change, except I'll get older, my niece and nephew will get older and less close to any child of ours in age, likewise my friends' children. And if it takes a long time, if there's a problem - well it'll take even longer.
Managed to do some marking!!! Feel much better. Haven't been able to concentrate properly for weeks (wonder if that's due to coming off BCP? Or it could be hypothy if I do have that) and it is such a relief to get some work out of the way.
I made a beautiful list yesterday. I want to show DH that I am not just treating this as an emotional decision but have factored in the practicalities as well. So I wrote an Excel spreadsheet of all the things you need to 'set-up' for the baby, like cot, mattress, blankets, pram/pushchair, car seat - even down to maternity wear and post-partum toiletries! Then I spent a secretly enjoyable hour going through Mothercare online looking up how much stuff will cost, and totalled up the whole lot. It actually came to much less than I expected, and the family would contribute to some things too, so all in all it was quite reasonable! Plus I found myself getting sentimental out of all proportion over baby blankets and cute little babygros. DH seemed impressed, and also mildly amused. I don't really blame him for the latter. I am starting to feel slightly obsessed - but I figure that doesn't matter - I'm staying sane and happy, and any child of ours will most definitely be wanted and longed-for!
I feel so sad for all the women (and men) on here who can't get pregnant. It just seems wrong somehow. I still feel guilty writing about feeling sad just for not trying, when so many people are trying and not succeeding. And I don't go for the 'it isn't in God's plan' response either...
I don't have faith. I wasn't brought up that way, and although I think there is a something it's much more of a vague belief in fate. It's quite a flexible theological system! My DH does believe in God, but is not evangelical, so we get along just fine. When we have children, they'll be christened because that's what he believes is right, we'll educate them about what all religions believe and allow them to choose in an educated way. Ignoring religion entirely I think just leads to prejudice and misunderstanding - the more we know about different belief systems and why some people don't believe in anything, the more tolerant we become as a society. Well that's what I think, anyway.
DH has eaten a great roast dinner cooked by yours truly today; hopefully he'll be in a positive mood to discuss babies later. I'd love to get him to ditch the BC and leave it up to God/fate!
Yay! Survived the blood test and was left with nothing but dizziness and mild nausea for an hour or so and a sore arm. I will get the results on Friday.
As the doctor and my house are half an hour away from work I also got to come home and not go back to work afterwards - very nice indeed! Means I can relax for a bit, then get a bit of shopping and then do some marking. I'm still on the relaxing bit now though...
CD 23 and AF not here yet which is great. This is my first cycle off BCP and I ovulated on Day 15 (I think) and I'll be delighted if I get AF on CD 28/9. We'll have to see, I guess. I just want a good shot at conception in December to get a chance at September!
Dh is still in the process of mellowing. We are now joking around about children and the whole atmosphere is nice and relaxed - a very positive sign. With any luck, he'll be happy to go for it... Although he did buy a big-ish box of condoms on Sunday...
I am SOOO hyper! Maybe this is some weird hormonal reaction to having my first natural cycle, but I am having major energy surges! At the same time I am also feeling strangely emotional about all kinds of random stuff. It's quite unsettling.
Work was great today too - 4 free lessons, and I marked and marked and marked and achieved masses for the first time in I don't know how long. It was great, meant I could have a nice relaxing evening, although I did have to make a sympathy card to send.
With reference to that, I really hope that the horribleness of this year is over. It has been so sad. If anyone's reading this I apologise for the morbid nature of what follows, but it does feel good to list it and accept it.
Just over a year ago, a uni friend of ours committed suicide;
Following this I realised that I also wasn't really well and that her death made it worse; I then went on anti-depressant medicine for just under a year;
The father of an old school friend of mine, who is also an old family friend and an old school friend of my dad, died two weeks after a sudden and unexpected diagnosis of throat cancer;
My friend and head of department at work had a heart attack (after a stroke last year) and was in hospital for a while;
My grandad died, suddenly, of a heart attack;
A family friend of DH's, whom we stayed with in Canada in 2001, died suddenly of complications after a bypass operation;
My Nan was diagnosed with Alzheimers and had to go into a home.
To be honest, I've had enough of all the people I know being upset about stuff. It stinks. Here's hoping that 2008 is a much pleasanter, happier year.
Well I am SHATTERED. Blood test results are tomorrow, so that'll be interesting to find out. I can barely keep my eyes open at work though - makes it very difficult to teach!
DH has been very stressed over work the last couple of days so I've left him alone. I did write a beautiful list on email though of all the reasons I want a baby - made me feel very positive. I shall wait for a good moment before showing it to DH though!
I am being so lazy, too. I should be working but I just can't summon the motivation. Again.
Year 11 were good today though - actually got on and wrote an essay, in the lesson! Wonders will never cease... Cheered me up no end.
I've been continuing to do little things to prepare for TTC. I ordered some HPTs and have stashed them in the wardrobe ready for use! It does make me a bit calmer just to take those baby steps forward.
Blood test results are in - no thyroid issues (hoorah!) and just very mild anaemia with no action to take. Good stuff.
So it seems that, having spoken to Mum, the likely culprit for the feeling knackered and nauseous all the time is my asthma. I admit I haven't managed it properly - or more honestly I just didn't know how much I had to do - and it's quite possible that this means on a regular basis I don't get enough oxygen. Mum says when I was little I didn't use to wheeze in a classic asthma way; I just used to keel over and fall asleep. So it might wel be that lack of oxygen is causing me weakness, tiredness and nausea.
New plan: take asthma meds twice a day and see what happens! Much better than a thyroid problem though!
September's out. DH says no. Won't say when, either. At least this morning when I tried to have a conversation about it he said he wasn't going to talk about it at 8am on a Saturday morning. I'd have thought lying in bed together with no immediate need to get up was rather a good time to talk - but apparently not.
I'm having a hard time accepting it. But I can't really do anything about it. Feeling rather overwhelmed as AF without BCP is about to arrive for the first time so I'm really emotional anyway. Don't know what to do about my job, whether to find a new one - but then how can I tell the kids I'm leaving to go somewhere else? They'll feel so abandoned.
No idea what to do. Feel totally out of control and planless. And I hate being without a plan.
All is much better today. I MADE DH sit down yesterday to talk about his less than clear signals about what we were doing about TTC. Finally we had a proper talk about it all and he clarified things and I feel a lot better!
Basically he says he may well be able to commit to TTC even in january - but he can't say for sure because if he could then he could commit now. He has a few things on his mind which he wants to feel happy about first. This month is probably out but no guarantee - and you never know, he may let loose on O day!
He knows and understands my concerns about timing, and with any luck and a happy healthy Christmas for both of us (he's worried, justifiably, about the depression returning) then January may be the month.
I feel so much better.
AF arriving and putting paid to the awful PMT may have helped. For once, kudos to the !