Just wanted to talk...

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Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425
Just wanted to talk...

Well my story is kind of long so I hope that I have the stamina to spit it out all at once. I probably don't though. Here goes nothing.

My DH, Trey, and I were married when we were 20. We were each other's first bf/gf, kiss, love. We got together at 16 and just never parted. We bought our first house last summer and decided that we would like to start our family. We were both excited but held off for 9 months when the timing was a little better. I am a school teacher and wanted the timing to be a little better so that I could spend the maximum time at home.

So we got pregnant on May 10th. I was charting and thought that our timing was off, so I didn't think that I was pregnant. I started getting awful cramps and figured that I was going to start. My sister told me to test when I had the cramps for three days with no sign of AF. So, on May 29th I tested and it showed a BFP almost instantly. I thought that I was reading the test wrong so I took it to DH and he couldn't figure it out either (damn cheap tests). So I finally figured it out, took another and called my mom and sister. They were both just as thrilled as Trey and me.

I had the easiest first trimester. I was a little tired and was queasy a few times. I did have to see three doctors and it kinda peeved me. I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus at 15. I had been seeing a rhuematologist since then. I had tried a whole slug of medications. Everything from arthritis meds, to steroids to an antimalarial medication. I have actually stayed on the antimalarial (Plaquenil) for 5 years. I do take the max dose and it works for me most of the time. Anyway, I was high risk because of lupus and I had to go see a perinatologist. So now I was up to seeing three doctors a month.

The peri turned out the be a wonderful man. I really like and respect him. The first time that I saw him I got an u/s and I the tech took picture after picture. I thought that maybe it was normal, but a little alarm went off. He just measured too much. When the doc came in he told me he wasn't worried about the lupus. He had a ton of patients on plaquenil and their babies were fine. He did tell me that he was concerned about a pocket of fluid on the back of the babies neck. Then he went into an explanation that I hardly remember. I do remember asking him what this all meant. He told that there was about a 36% chance that the baby would be ok. He left the room for a minute to check with the genetic counselor about getting an appointment. I looked at Trey and lost it. I just started crying. I tried like hell to regain composure before the doctor got back, but I didn't do such a good job. We got an appointment for a few hours later to talk with Katherine, the genetic counselor. He told us to "hang in there" but the look in his eye told me that there was something very seriously wrong.

We left the office and I lost it again on the way out to the car. There were children playing downstairs and it was more than I could handle. I started hyperventilating. It was awful. We sat in the parking garage for over an hour just sobbing. I called my mom and she could hardly understand me. Trey had to call work to tell them that he would be much later than he thought originally. I felt so shallow. My biggest concern before I went into the peri's office was that he would tell me that I was too fat. I would have given anything for him to call me a porker and then jump around the office doing the piggie dance.

..........have to finish later.........so tired

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Ok, I'm back.

So, after we got to the car I called my mom and sister and told them what was going on. My mom told me that she would be there for the meeting with the genetic counselor. I was glad that she would be there. We needed another set of ears. My mom brought my dad too and we all sat in with the genetic counselor. Her poor little office was pretty cramped. She told us that there were four major posibilities. It could be Turner Syndrome, Down Syndrome, Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18. She went into detail and showed us pictures of the chromosomes and gave us stats and the whole lot. I don't remember too much honestly. We were both numb. We jumped right on the CVS. We also opted for the FISH test too because the results came back more quickly. We scheduled it for the next day.

I'm not sure that I slept at all that night. It was torture. Every time that I woke up it was like hearing it all over again. I would wake up Trey and he would hold me and cry. The CVS wasn't until 2:00 the next day and I barely made it with my sanity intact. There we all were (me, Trey, my mom, my dad, and my MIL) in the room with the doctor and two nurses. I was pretty packed. The procedure wasn't that back. They numbed me and I got to watch the whole thing on the u/s. I got to see her again and she was wiggling around. I just couldn't believe that there could be something wrong with her. She was all curled in a little ball (I think that she knew a big needle was coming!!!).

We were told that they would have the result of the CVS on that Friday or on the following Monday. The wait was torture. I can't even describe how awful it was. We did finally get the call on the following Monday. It figures I took that moment to go to the bathroom. My mom had taken the day off to stay with me and I practically ripped the phone from her hand. The genetic counselor was very straightforward (thank God) and told us right away. She had trisomy 13. I got very dizzy and leaned over the counter. I couldn't speak and had to get off of the phone. I told my mom and she called Trey to tell him to come home. I never thought that it would be bad. I just knew (and prayed) that the worst it would be was Turner's. I felt that I could deal with that. T13 hit me by complete surprise.

More later..............

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Telling Trey was awful. I called him on the way home to make sure that he was driving safely. The thought of him getting hurt right then was too much to imagine. He got there, I met him in the garage and I told him as quickly as I could. He knew it was bad, but he wasn't as obsessed with research as I was. I showed him the website and I think that it hit him then. My mom called everyone for us to let them know what was going on. Thank God for her. I sent out an e-mail to the friends that I had been in contact with. I could not call them and I knew that they were all waiting for the news. Honestly I don't remember much of what happened next. I know I called the genetic counselor to ask her some more questions. She said that there was an 80% chance of miscarriage and an 80% chance that the baby wouldn't make it past one month and she told us that it was a girl. I asked her what most people did in our situation and she told us that most choose to terminate.

I didn't cry much that day. I'm not sure why. I don't know if it was shock, or if I was numb or what. The following days were hell though. Trey took the rest of the week off of work to stay at home with me.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

We had a huge decision to make. I had no idea what to do: continue or terminate.......

That was all that was on my mind I agonized over it for days. I asked people what they would do. I asked people what they thought I should do. My family told me that it would be easiest on me to end it. They thought that I could start healing. At one point I was almost convinced that I should terminate. People told me that there was no way that God could hold it against me. I just didn't know. I prayed night and day for an answer. One morning I woke up and I knew. I knew that I was going to keep my little girl. After I came to my decision I was so at peace. After all of this turmoil, peace. It was wonderful. I woke Trey up and told him that I was going to continue. This was my feeling on the situation. There was already so much stacked against her, how could I, her mother, be against her too? I couldn't. I told my family and they were supportive. I can completely understand why someone would end the pregnancy and I would NEVER judge them for it. It is agony waking up everyday wondering if this is the day that your child will die. Every time I see a healthy child I wonder why me? I hate feeling sorry for myself and I hate this neverending rollercoaster of emotions, but I thik that I would hate never seeing my little girl even more. So many people have told me that I chose the hard road. Was there an easy one?
Trey stood behind me 100% percent. He embraced my decision. I was upset with him at first because he basically left it up to me. He wasn't so callous as to say,"You decide." But he told me that he would support me no matter what I wanted to do. I yelled at him and told him that was a cop out. I now understand that he felt that it was my body and more of my decision. He didn't want to tell me what to do. He is very glad that it is what I decided.
One night I had a dream about her. It was wonderful. She was very small and had dark hair like her daddy. She kept making sucking motions with her mouth like I have seen my infant niece do many times. I woke up so happy again. I haven't had another dream about her, but I hope that there are more to come.
Telling the people at work was hard to do. My close friends already knew, but the rest were in the dark. I talked with my principal (I teach kindergarten) and I decided to sned out n e-amil to the staff. I wrote it up and sent it to the principal to send it out to everyone. He sent it out to everyone while I was at lunch one day. I walked back into the school and the office staff was crying. I just wanted to turn around and run. I thought that I was ready, but this was so hard. People told me that I was brave and I had made the right choice. A few people told me to keep faith and that tests can be wrong. This bothers me honestly. I am very realistic about what is going on. I know that Keiran probably won't ever come home from the hospital. I know that there are going to be major problems. Why would people try and give me false hope? I guess they might have heard stories about incorrect triple screens. The tests that I got done have more than a 99% accuracy rate. I just wish people would think before speaking. I guess trying to give me false hope is better than completely ingnoring me. I have had quite a few people that just stopped talking to me. Oh well, these people I can live without.
Starting school was not as tough as I thought it was going to be. The kids have proven to be a wonderful distraction. None of them have noticed that I am pregnant yet. When one of them notices I'll fill the rest in.
I was walking down the hall on Thursday and this second grade girl that I didn't know looked me straight in the eye and said in a very matter-of-fact way,"You're pregnant." I was so taken aback the only thing that I could think of popped out, "I know." Witty and clever, I know.
I guess the main thing that I am still dealing with is my anger. I have no one to direct it at. I am so angry that this happened to us. I am so angry that my child will never grow up. There is a lot of anger stored up inside and I am afraid that I may explode with it one day. I guess right now feeling the anger is better than feeling the grief. I can cope much better with the anger.
Sometimes I feel like others have already written her off. Someone commented today that there is finally a girl on our birth board. I wanted to yell, "Hey, what about me??????" I know that it was an accident, but it still upset me so much. Silly things upset me so much. This crap mixed with pregnancy is hell on the mood. I am going to sleep now. I guess my two hour nap wasn't enough.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I decided to look at urns today. A woman that I have been talking to suggested that I buy one early. I just never dreamed that I would be doing this.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I am disgusted! I found an urn that I liked and got to searching around the site. Just because I was curious, I looked at the pet urns. Many of the pet urns and the infant urns were the same. That made sense to me because pets and babies are both small. So I found the urn that I liked listed at $57 less in the pet section!!! I dug around some more and there were many like that!

*******edited to remove links**************

I am so disgusted. I wrote them a rather scathing e-mail asking them if they had a reasonable explanation or were they just into gouging poor, grieving parents.

They wrote back.

"Hello Jamie,

Thanks for your interest in Perfect Urns. Some of the pet urns on our website are the same as the infant urns and some of the urns look very similar from the pictures but are in fact a different urn. Some prices vary a little because of the process in which they were created.

To place an order please visit:

Have a great day,

Perfect Urns

1-800-979-URNS"

Have a great day? I am shopping for an URN! They should seriously consider changing their closing.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

This is getting ridiculous. Like I don't have enough crap going on in my life.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Ok, so Trey just got off of the phone with the urn company. I could tell he was really upset when he got off the phone. They told him that they track who is linking to them in case they need to defend themselves. I am thinking that if they need a plan of attack to defend themselves, then something is wrong with their business practices. They are a company, not the military.

Ok, I am done with that. I have wasted too much energy on them as is.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Today has been so hard. This week actually has. I have been completely on edge at work. I think that I have the most helpless group of kindergarteners EVER. It is the 12th day of school and we are still working on lining up. They all just wlk to the front. :? There are 21 now and the state max is 22. What jerk made up that ratio? Obviously someone that hadn't been in a kinder classroom since they were 6.

Mostly I can kind of push the situation with Keiran to the back of my mind. I can still think of being pregnant and I can still think of how much I love her, but I can push the rest aside while I am at work. Not lately though. Lately it is always on the surface, just staring me in the face. I think it is because work has me completely frazzled. I have already had one child miss four days of school. I hope the rest of the year doesn't go like this.

Trey got off work early today (11:30) and offered to come and see me. I asked him what for. I eat lunch at 10:50 and I have no more breaks after that. I am such a grouch and I hate being this way. I know that I have so much to be happy about and thankful for. I am just having such a hard time seeing it right now. I am just so tired of being me. I need a break.

We get a three day weekend. Maybe I'll come back refreshed. I hope.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I feel a little more refreshed after the three day weekend.

Trey admitted that it is hard for him to feel as close to Keiran as me without the physical connection. He even admitted to being a little jealous. I can't wait until she starts kicking hard enough so that he can feel it. I feel so bad for him. She is big enough now that we can feel where she is in the uterus. She definitely prefers the right side. I still don't feel her kick very much, but I know she is small.

We decided to look at urns locally. We found a shop not too far away and are going to look there next Saturday. I hope it is more successful than our online venture!

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I wasn't an awful teacher today like I felt like I was last week! Hooray. it was nice to have a good day for once. Maybe the whole week will be good!

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Things are still going well for me. I am so glad that I snapped out of my funk. I had to cancel an appointment with my rheumatologist yesterday. I forgot about it and I didn't get my bloodwork done ahead of time like I am supposed to. I saw no point in going without having that done. So now I am going on Monday. I also had to reschedule my OB appointment. I had it scheduled for 4:15 and then I realized open house is tomorrow. Thankfully they could change it to 3:15. I just really hate being so scatter brained. I am not used to it at all.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Well today is the day that we go urn shopping. I am a little scared, but I like being prepared.

We had an u/s Thursday. They didn't really find out anything new. That basically means that we still know nothing. The tech said that they saw her brain and it looks like it is all there. We saw the two kidneys again, they said that they were a little inflamed. Her spine looked good. Everything looked "good." I am not sure why this annoys me so much. I am not annoyed that my child appears healthy. I am thrilled. I guess I am annoyed because I keep getting my hopes up even though I know that I shouldn't. I know what we are facing. Within the next couple of appointments they are going to tell me what is really wrong.

Here is a list of common symptoms

Mental retardation, severe
Seizures
Small head (microcephaly)
Scalp defects (absent skin)
Small eyes (microphthalmia)
Cleft lip and/or palate
Eyes close set (hypotelorism) -- eyes may actually fuse together into one
Iris defects (coloboma)
Pinna abnormalities and low set ears
Simian crease
Extra digits (polydactyly)
Hernias: umbilical hernia, inguinal hernia
Undescended testicle (cryptorchidism)
Hypotonia
Micrognathia
Skeletal (limb) abnormalities

Taken from http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001660.htm

I keep thinking about all that can/will go wrong. I know I should be focusing on the positive, it is so hard sometimes. It is especially hard when I've hard a rough day and I am feeling worn down. Then my dam seems to break and all of my fears and the reality of what is going on flood my brain. It is overwhelming.

Someone at work asked me if I was trying not to get too attached to her because I know that she will die. My gut reaction was anger. Then I thought about who was talking. Do you know some people that just aren't smart? I know it isn't nice, but it is true. Just their whole way of thinking is so oversimplified. Everything is black and white and they're just kind of dumb. Well, that is this person. I dismissed my anger and then told her no. I told her that this child is just as special and wonderful as any other child that has ever been carried. It would be awful for me to try not to love her because she will die. That just means that I need to love her even more while I have her. This seemed to satisfy her. I have dealt with so much ignorance. I think that sensitivity training should be a new required course in high school or college. Or maybe people should just get their heads out of their ass! Lol

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

We got the urn. It wasn't like the one that I picked out, but I like it just the same. We decided to go local and I am glad that we did. I almost didn't want to go into the store. There were caskets every where. I wanted to tell Trey to floor it and get the hell out of here. I didn't. Instead I took some deep breaths and told Trey not to touch me or I would lose it.

The man was so nice. He was a gradfatherly type with kind eyes and he asked no questions. We told him that we were in the market for an infant urn and he said that he only had one. It turns out that he has only ever had one and no one had ever asked him for one. Well we liked it and the price was very good ($77). It was also simple and elegant, just like I wanted. I had no desire for one with teddy bears or something cute on it. The picture is below. It is hard to see, but he said it is a marble composite. It has the marble swirls and lines.

We are going to get a plaque made after she is born.

Afterwards I needed ice cream so we went to Marble Slab and got my favorite, cinnamon ice cream.

I keep thinkg about what I would be doing/thinking right now if she was fine. I need to stop torturing myself.

On another note. My friends at work who initially wanted to throw me a shower asked if we could have a party instead. They wanted to buy me a gift certificate to a spa or something. I thought that was so thoughtful of them. I am surrounded by good people.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I found out that a friend of mine at work is pregnant. I was really happy for her at first and then I got so sad and even a little jealous. She is going to have a healthy baby to love and I am probably coming home from the hospital empty handed. She deserves a healthy baby.....does anyone NOT deserve a healthy baby? I don't begrudge her that at all. I guess I just get to thinking about what could have/should have been and I lose it. I am hangning onto my sanity by a single precious thread latley anyway.

I went to the rheumatologist yesterday and the nurse kept fawning over me. I tried to be happy. Sometimes I tell people and sometimes I just smile. I hate to tell people just because I don't want to see the look in their eyes. The pity mixed with horror. I can't take it right now. Am I ever going to be able to take it?

The teacher in the classroom next to me lost her baby at 20 weeks. She told me a little about her. She went into premature labor and they couldn't stop it. She said that she lived for 5 minutes. Can you imagine only 5 living minutes with your child? So many women have had such similar experiences. It is too much to imagine.

Still none of the children in my class have noticed that I am pregnant. I guess they just think that they have a fat teacher that really likes to eat applesauce and pineapple. Sometimes I feel guilty eating in front of them. It isn't enough to stop me though. Smile

I came home tonight and found out that the city wants to cut down my hackberry tree. :evil: Apparently it is in the way of the power lines. I am severely annoyed seeing as how it is my favorite tree. It shades almost my entire backyard. It is gorgeous. I don't have the fight in me so Trey is going to have to take over on this one. Good thing I married a nature lover like myself. He is an Eagle Scout and LOVES the outdoors. I'm just a tree hugger.

I am enjoying being a teacher again. I really hated it a few weeks ago. Too much on my plate I guess. I felt like the kids deserved better. We are all in a routine now and all of us are less cranky. They worked hard today and they played so nicely! No one even had time out (that is huge for my class). I bought some dollhouse furniture that I told them they had to earn by showing me they could behave. i think I'll stick it in the dollhouse tomorrow. They are going to be thrilled.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

My husband may be the most amazing man in the world. Right now he is running me a bath with lavendar bubbles and salts. They are my absolute favorite.

I really think that I under-appreciate him. He has been my rock and he is hurting just as badly as I am. He has taken over so many of the household duties that I was just incapable of for a while. He does laundry, grocery shops, takes care of me, takes care of the dogs, does the yard work, works full time, cleans the house, runs me baths, and never complains. And to top it all off, he's pretty hot.

I need to show him how much I appreciate him. I hope I can find a way. I just do not deserve him.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I went out for drinks with the girls yesterday. I hit the lemonade pretty hard. My friend that just found out that she was pregnant was there and some other friends from work. One girl kept bringing up what we should do at the newly pregnant woman's baby shower and what her cake should look like. I thought that it was a little insensitive considering they all know what is going on in my life. I think that everyone wanted her to shut up, but she didn't get the hint. She is missing that very crucial filter between the brain and the mouth. Alcohol only makes it more evident. I think that I'll be skipping the next outing.

The problem is that I think that they should be able to talk about it. They should be excited. It isn't really fair that they should never be able to talk about it in front of me. I know that most of them were completely uncomfortable. I seem to have that effect on people lately. Akward silences, abrupt subject changes, and sudden rememberances of things left undone seem to be very common these days when I am around.

I am just feeling a little sorry for myself. It is amazing how quickly and easily something can shift my mood. A hundred wonderful things can happen and then one moron shoots off her mouth and I am sulky again. I was never like this. I know that it is just something that I am working through, but at the same time I know that I will never be the same. I guess that can be said for any woman who is having a child though. I know this will change me. I just hope that I like who I am at the end. There isn't really and end though, is there? I am not all too fond of who I am right now. I wonder sometimes if I am too hard on myself, then at other times I wonder if I am not hard enough. I could be imagining things or just being very senstive. Hell, who knows. I think that this whole entry stopped making sense after "I."

I sure don't feel 24 today.

I haven't felt her move lately. She was bouncing all around last week. I am hoping and praying that she is ok. Maybe she is still just a little too small............or maybe I am a little too fat! Biggrin My money is on the second.

I finally figured out why pregnant women always have a hand on their stomachs. I thought that it was because they were so surprised by their new girth. It turns out that they just want to hold their baby. Every time I touch my new bump it is like a little "I love you." As long as she knows then I am happy.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I had a bad dream last night. I had a dream that I was in labor and no one would come to the hospital except for Trey. It was like they didn't care. It was awful.

I woke up feeling so sad. I cried for 10 minutes. Trey tried to comfort me, but I didn't want to talk about it. He knew that I was crying about Keiran though. I stayed awake with me for about an hour and then I told him to go back to sleep. I stayed awake for a little while longer and finally fell asleep. I had another dream that I was trying to get to Disneyland where Trey was waiting for me, but I just couldn't find it. I preferred that one to my first one.

The doctors moved my due date back to 1/28. I'm not sure why. I debated about just keeping it the same, but I decided that the older she is the better. I know that it makes no real sense. It means something to me though. So that makes me 21 weeks today. That means that even if she dies she will be considered a person. We will have a death certificate and everything. It is important to me. I can't explain it.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I had a rough day. I was alright when the day started. Now I feel like I am on the edge of an emotional breakdown (again?). It was so stupid even. I just hate myself for getting so riled up for such a little thing. One of my assistant principals was talking to my grade level about playground behavior. She said a parent called and complained because she thought the kids were too wild at recess. Ok, so there are 85 children on a pretty small, very old playground. Yes, it gets a little wild. They are 5 years old. They have lots of energy. We have had very few behavior problems and are one of the only grade levels that actually watch their kids and make them follow the rules. Anyway, I was just trying to express my frustration over how hard we all try and how the administration is so quick to jump on us. I was not upset that the parent expressed concern. She jumps on my case and says, "Well when your daughter is born are you going to want someone to watch her that you are not comfortable with?"

What I did: Looked away and changed the subject

What I should have done: Said, "You know, I am not going to have the luxury of being in that situation. I most likely won't even bring her home from the hospital."

Am I being too sensitive? This assinine comment totally screwed up the rest of my day. She didn't even act like she said anything wrong. She is fully aware of my situation. I dunno. Maybe I am overreacting. It is so hard to tell. My emotions are on high all of the time.

I guess it doesn't really matter if I am being too sensitive because it upset me plain and simple. Even one of my co-workers said that she couldn't believe that she said that.

Today is one of those days where the tears are right behind my eyes, ready to flow.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

From my post on the birth defects/special needs board:

"They found a hole in her heart. There was some technical term for this, but I can't remember. If I heard it again I'd know. Anyway, the nurse said it was fixable with surgery and it could be a whole lot worse. Her kidneys are still inflamed, but not out of normal range. They are just on the high side. The only really negative thing was that my placenta is a little small which is causing the cord blood pressure to be high. I didn't actually get into what that would mean, but I am seeing the doctor again next week. He is going to look at the heart more in-depth. Also, she is now measuring a full two weeks behind. I keep asking the nurse if I am not eating healthy enough or something. She keeps telling me that there is nothing that I did and nothing that I can do. I wish I could control something!

"Now for the good news. They could find nothing wrong with her brain! Everything was there and everything looked good! I am amazed because abnormal brains are very common and even expected in T13 babies. The nurse also said that the results of the u/s were very "confusing" because they could hardly find anything wrong. Apparently no one told Keiran that she has trisomy 13. So, my little one is a fighter. I knew this already though."

Honestly, I'm now more scared than ever though. I am thrilled that things are working out so well, but I am so afraid that I am getting my hopes up for nothing. Given an 80% chance of miscarriage, I feel like we have already beat the odds getting this far. I'm too afraid to hope to beat the odds again. One day at a time. That's all I can do.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I cut my hair off. I like it!

I just love getting hair cuts. I love talking to the stylists. I got a great one this time. She just went on and on about her rotten DIL. We talked a lot about Keiran. She didn't know the circumstances so she talked to me like I was having a healthy baby. It was wondersul. I realized that this was the first conversation I have had like that. Most of the time I talk about what we are going to do in the hospital and what plans we have made and what medical issues that we are facing, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, she told me NOT to use Johnson and Johnson because there is actually something in the shampoo that numbs the eyes so that the baby doean't feel the pain. I'm not sure of the truth behind this (I am going to have to google it), but she said not to buy it. She also gave me a bunch of other motherly advice and it was so nice to just enjoy being pregnant for a little while.

That's it. Just a normal conversation with a nice hair stylist made my day.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Well, yesterday was the first day that I woke up feeling kind of positive about Keiran's health. I may be fooling myself, but I am willing to steal a little happiness right now. I was in a store and actually didn't want to cry when I saw the baby clothes. That's a big step for me. I even thought about buying her something. Another huge step. I think that I am still a little scared to go that far though.

Maybe by being so positive I am making it worse if things do go as the doctors think. Then I think, can it actually be made worse? I really don't know.

I haven't had the courage to research what the small placenta and elevated cord pressure means. I know that it isn't good. I don't want to read the horror stories. I will just wait until Wednesday when she gets the echocardiogram. I need to get out some paper and write down everything that I am wondering about. Maybe I'll need a notebook......

My peri is amazing. He is one of those doctors that you know really found their true calling. If anyone that reads this needs a peri in the Austin area, just let me know. I think this man and his staff are all wonderful.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Pardon me, but this has been a shitty day!

Here is my post from the Feb/Special Needs and Birth Defects boards

Well, there wasn't any good news today. It turns out that the small placenta is causing the cordblood pressure to be very high. There is supposed to be bloodflow through the cord during the beat of the heart and in between beats. The pressure is so high in Keiran's cord that in between heart beats all flow stops. Her heart is already enlarged from working so hard. Eventually, the blood pressure will get so high that the blood flow is going to reverse and it will lead to congestive heart failure.

His best guess was that she will be with us another two weeks. He said she could easily last longer or go more quickly. There is no real way of knowing.

Why my day is shitty is obvious. I can't even write right now.

On my way home it started raining for the first time in probably a month. It felt like the world was crying with me.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I just want to curl up into a ball. I am so tired of being strong. It hasn't really gotten me any where, has it?

I am really thankful for the last week. I got to have hope. It was wonderful while it lasted. I got to enjoy her liked I hadn't been able to since we got the news. She deserves that.

When the doctor told us that we only had about two weeks left, I wasn't really surprised. I think that I knew something was wrong. I knew that everything was too good.

Now I am torn between wanting her to fight and make it as long as possible and just wanting her to let go. She has fought and fought in her short little life. Why should she have to fight anymore? Wouldn't it be so selfish of me to want her to hold on? I feel so sick thinking about either possibility. There is no easy way out and that is becoming more and more clear with every passing second.

It didn't really hit me until today. I knew yesterday that I was taking it all too well. I knew that it would finally sink in today. Thank God that no one really asked about my appointment. I think that I might have had a breakdown. There is one coming anyway, but I don't want to do it at work or in front of the kids. I know that they would worry about me and ask a lot of questions. I did tell three people at school what was going on through e-mail. I know that I need to talk to my principal, but he is a very religious man and I just can't take him telling me that God makes miracles. I know this. I am not asking for one. God and I have been talking and we have come to an understanding. Butt out.

My lupus is pissing me off (not that we have ever been frinds or anything). Because of it, I run fevers when I have too much stress. Fevers make me cry more easily. Crying increases the pain and prolongs the fevers. It is a wonderful cycle. My arthritis is kicking in too. I can't take anything for it. Aleve is a big no no. When it rains it pours!

I am trying like hell not to feel sorry for myself. I think I may be putting on a good front. I may also be delusional. Keiran is the real victim here. She is the one that isn't going to live. I am trying to remember that this isn't about me. She is such a part of me though.

My heart is breaking for Trey. He hasn't even gotten to feel her kick yet. She weighs 13 ounces and isn't expected to grow any more. He never will get to feel her kick. I have felt the little flutters, at least I have that. I has been kissing my belly and whispering to her more. We are trying to get all of the love in that we can before she leaves us. How do you fit a lifetime of love in two weeks?

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

It is 3:20 and I am awake. I can't go to sleep because I keep planning Keiran's wake in my head. I am a planner. It is how I cope.

How did everything go from so right to so wrong this quickly? I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

I was also making a list in my head of things to be thankful for. Here is what I came up with.

1. I am thankful that I have had this time with Keiran. I am going to be able to hold her and take her picture. Many moms do not have this luxury.

2. This has brought me closer to Trey. We have always been close, but we are at a new level now. I am thankful for him every second of every day.

3. I am closer with my family. I come from a close family to begin with, and two months ago I never would have thought that we could be closer. My mom, dad and sister have been amazing. I am so thankful for them.

4. This has brought me closer to God. I can honestly see why tragedy can make people go the other way though. I have felt His presence in my life and am grateful.

5. Even my in-laws have been great.

6. I have weeded out the losers in my patch of friends. There were many. I have found my true friends in the process. I am thankful for that.

7. I am thankful for pregnancy.org. This site has been amazing and so supportive. This has helped to make things so much easier. I have also "met" some awesome people.

8. This experience has also forever changed me in ways that I don't even understand yet. I know that my priorities have changed dramatically and I have seen it in Trey too. It is a good change. I know that it will take me many years to sort it all out and really understand and see how this has touched our lives.

I asked a friend I made through p.org how long it took her to feel normal again after her son died of T13. She told me that normal is never the same again.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I am still waiting for this to really sink in. I am too calm. I am scared what it will be like when it finally hits me.

I have been feeling her kick lately which is odd because the doc said that she wouldn't grow anymore. I wasn't really feeling her kick before. I am so happy. Even Trey felt it. I am also feeling some growing pains. Maybe the little stinker will get up to a pound after all. I'm not getting my hopes up though.

I think that waiting for her to die is the most awful thing. I am even too scared to use the doppler and check for her heartbeat.

We took a picture this morning, printed it out, framed it and hung it on the wall. Here it is.

I love it!

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Things are going as ok as they can right now. I am doing ok at work, but things are really getting on my nerves very easily. I am normally pretty laid back. Maybe that is what is why I am still partially sane.

I realized that I should probably pack a hospital bag. I think I may ask Trey to do it. I can't handle these things anymore. I probably also need to buy something for Keiran to wear after she is born. Where do I buy clothes for a 1 lb baby?

We painted the living room and dining room. It looks really nice. I want the house to look nice for Keiran's wake. That sounds so stupid, but it gives me something to do.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I am so overwhelmed by everyone's kindness. I can't believe how wonderful and supportive everyone is here. I am just at a loss for words.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Well, today makes it a week since the doctor told us that we have about two weeks. I really like the man, but I sure hope that he's wrong. He even told us that he couldn't say exactly.

We ordered her an outfit to wear in the hospital.
http://www.preemie.com/get_item_pyumxs-sog.htm
I thought that the price was outrageous, but she's worth it. I love it because it is so simple. Trey liked it too.

I just read in someone's signature that October 15th is preganancy and infant loss memorial day. I sure hope that I can wait until next year to personally observe that one.

Trey and I had a huge talk last night. He finally opened up to me. I was thinking that he was taking all of this so well and I was honestly starting to feel so alone. He wrote me a letter so that he could get it all out. My sister actually suggested it to him (thanks, Jen). He told me that he keeps blaming himself just like I do. We both know that it is so stupid, but we still do it. My doctor referred to it as "mommy guilt." Women always try to take the blame. I guess Trey has daddy guilt. He was also mad at himself for not talking to me about Keiran very much, but being able to talk to people at work that asked about it. I told him that I understood. They aren't so close to the situation. It is easier to talk to someone that is not me sometimes. I totally get it. He hates to see me sad and when we talk, I cry. He thinks this means that he is making me sad. I told him that I am always sad, I just show it with him. He also hates that he can't protect Keiran. She is his little girl and he can't make her better. This kills me to think about. I know that dads and little girls have such a special relationship. This breaks my heart so much. My dad must be feeling the same thing right about now. He also felt guilty for not being able to talk to me before.

Now I am feeling the guilt for thinking that I was alone. In retrospect, that was a stupid thing to think. I know what a sensitive guy Trey is and I should have tried to talk to him myself. I have been so wrapped up in me. I hate when I do that. Thank goodness he was the bigger person and took the first step. I am so lucky to have him.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Today wasn't a very good day.

I got another child in my class. I am now at the state maximum of 22. 22 kindergarteners with no aide? Sheesh. I have the biggest headache. The first thing that this kids tells me is, "They let me do whatever I wanted at my old school." I said, "This isn't your old school!" The school district that he came from called too. They were telling the office that the mom is a pain in the rear and that there was already an attendance officer after them for all of his absences. One of the first things that she said was, "He throws up when he is nervous and he had a hard time adjusting at his old school." Umm, ok. He adjusted just fine. He is a bit of an odd duck, but I don't care. I can already tell that the kid ISN'T going to be the problem.

I was reading a magazine that came in the mail today. There was some random article about false eyelashes. My mind wandered and I was picturing Keiran in her little gown that we bought her. I threw the damn magazine against the wall and burst into tears. Trey is now kind of used to this so he just held me while I sobbed.

Her heartbeat was still strong when we checked it this evening. My sister asked me what I was going to do if I couldn't find it. Hmm, I hadn't really thought about that. I told her I guess I'd call the doctor. The fact that I haven't thought about it is further proof that part of me still hasn't accepted it. I don't know how to make it happen for myself though. Do I even want to fully accept the truth? I guess when it happens I will have to. I guess that is what it will take. Some pathetic Pollyanna part of me still wants to believe that it will all be ok. I'm not sure that is healthy.

Trey recommended that we talk to a grief counselor. Once again, where the heck am I going to find one of those?

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

She has been kicking like a crazy baby for the past two days! It is so hard to believe that she is so sick. Maybe it is just her sweet way of saying good-bye.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Nothing major happened at the doctor today. I have to do the GD test next time. I am not looking forward to it. If I fail that'd be just one more thing. Oh well. I could handle it. I know that sugar is bad anyway. I could also stand to lose some weight. Here I go being all negative again. Sheesh!

I took one of those silly online tests. Ok, I actually really like taking those silly tests!

I found out what Disney princess I am.

You Are Mulan!

Strong and spirited. You're no one's girly girl; actually you are very determined person with a strong sense of self. Never let go of that! The only thing that equals your sense of self is your family, but the traditions of society can always be bent to protect something or someone you love.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

Mulan is one of my very favorite Disney movies! I get a kick out of the smallest things.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I didn't feel her kick very much today and it worried me a little. We found the heartbeat right away with the doppler though.

Our gown for her came in the mail yesterday. I made Trey open it. I was ok though. I never know how I am going to react. It looks kinda big, but my mom said it looked like it was for a doll. Even if it is big I don't care. It is beautiful. The little hat is so precious and there is lace at the bottom of the gown that is so pretty. I am pleased with it.

I have parent conferences tomorrow. I am not really looking forward to it. I had about 5 parents that didn't respond at all to my conference letter. Last year only half that signed up came. I hope it is a little better this year. The school is trying to work around the parents' schedules and the conferences are from 11-5. I am in for a longish day.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I got a present this morning.

My friends are so thoughtful. I just love it.

I just remembered. My doctor told me that after she passes it may take up to 3 days to induce me. This can't be true, can it? I can't imagine that horror. I am overwhelmed again.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Eeesh..today is the "two week" mark. I remembered that this morning and it made me feel so sick. I know that it was just his best estimate, but I can't even bear to try and find her heartbeat. Trey is going to have to do it when he gets home. I am so scared.

I was just now reading an article on silentgrief.com and it said that you should always tell people about your child that has died when people ask how many children you have. I am trying to imagine myself saying, "Yes we have one, but she is in heaven." I am also trying to imagine saying, "We have no children." Which would be less terrible to say? They both seem totally horrific. To deny her would be unforgiveable and to talk about it will be so painful. I think that the pain is the best way to go. I couldn't ever deny her. How do you say that though? Someone casually asks you if you have children and then you bowl them over with this personal tragedy. I would feel awful if I asked someone about their children and they told me, "We had a little girl, but she is no longer with us." There is a conversation halter.

Another thing that made my day craptastic... I found out that in Texas the fetus needs to be 28 weeks in order to be considered a person. That means no birth or death certificate. Why is this so important to me? It seems so stupid. She will always be a real person to me. I shouldn't give a shit what the state says. I do though. It is like a little piece of paper that tells the world, "hey, I'm a mom too!" I worry about the stupidest stuff. I guess if I worry about the petty crap then I don't think as much about the real stuff.

The stages of grief (denial, bargaining, anger, depression acceptance) are not very linear. I figured that you go through them and then you are done. Nope. I linger often in anger and depression but I have found myself jumping back to bargaining again. I would trade her life for anything. I try to strike deals with God all of the time. So far he hasn't agreed to any of my terms. It is so stupid really. It is pointless and is just torture for me. Like I don't have even crap going on without me torturing myself too.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I'm a mess today. The kids were so good yesterday and today they are trying my patience. So here I am on my lunch break writing in my journal. i should probably eat.

We went to Hallmark yesterday because I wanted to look around. Trey and I have this tradition of buying one ornament a year since we have been married. This was his year so I went to look around and I asked him to look for something for Keiran too. I found the baby section and picked out a frame that I wanted. Trey comes back and tells me he found something for Keiran. He holds up this ornament of a little girl called the "Little Irish Dancer." She has brown hair like Trey and green eyes like me and I just lost it in the store. He tried to hug me, but that just made it worse. I had to walk away. The silliest things keep setting me off. Now we are going to buy an ornament for Keiran every year too. I also bought her a little teddybear that is dressed up like a bunny. It is the sofest thing I have ever felt.

My sister sent me the words to a new song by Kenny Chesney:

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can’t believe you’re gone
It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all the way
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I’ve been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today
Would see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder what you would have named your babies
Some days the sky’s so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy
It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all the way
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I’ve been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope is
I know I’ll see you again someday

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

We went to Build a Bear today to make an animal for Keiran. I have no idea how it got started, but Trey and I call each other "bunny." I have been calling Keiran "little bunny," so I had to get the bunny. We have previously tried to go there and I couldn't handle it. I made it today though! Hooray for me! Ok, so I almost lost it once, but I recovered and we got to finish. We got to stuff it and make little wishes into its heart. I didn't really make a wish though I just said, "Mommy loves you sweetheart." We didn't buy any clothes or anything, I liked it just the way it was. When we printed the birth certificate the bunny's weight was listed at 13 oz. That is the exact weight Keiran was at at our last peri visit. It made me smile.

When we got home Trey said, " I won't make fun of you if you sleep with it." I told him good, because I was going to do it either way.

Sometimes I feel like I am annoying to my family. I am such a sad sack all of the time. I feel like Eeyore on a bad day. I try to be happy, but it feels so fake. I am certain that they are sick of me moping. I can't help it though. I can find joy in a lot of things, but I am not the sunny Jamie that I used to be. It feels like I may never be that way again. I know that I am depressed right now and I know that I won't remain this way forever, but I won't be the same ever again either. I think I am just rambling now....

We lit our candle yesterday. I do have to admit that my preggo brain failed me and we were one whole hour late. That's ok though, we just lit it with the Mountain Time people instead of the Central Time people. I tried!

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I'm back at anger. I hate this. I was just driving home, happily on my way and it hit me so hard. I was so angry all over again. I may have gotten into this before, but I am going over it again. I am one of those people that have never really done anything wrong. I am the epitome of a goody two shoes. I never drank without my parents' permission before I was 21, I have never smoked a cigarette, I was a virgin until my wedding night, I got good grades in school, and I have always been so frickin' nice to everyone. I make myself sick just thinking about how hard I have tried to be the best person that I can. I so often put others before me and then I get smacked in the face with my poor, sweet daughter being so sick. I just got so furious and started in with the "why me" crap. You know even if I had been a drinking, smoking, slutty bitch I wouldn't have deserved this either. I can't make any sense out of all of this and it pisses me off. I have to accept that it happened just because it did.

I don't feel less blessed because Keiran has problems, I just feel so angry that she will never get a chance at life. That is what makes me the angriest. She'll never get a first kiss or go to the prom. She will never dance at her wedding or have a child of her own. She'll never even cut a tooth or make that sour face that babies always get when they try something new. I will never get to hear her laugh or know what it sounds like for her to call me mommy.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

One more thing. Trey just brought me a big ol' pile of red and pink Starbursts. He must have sat for ten minutes opening all the packages of Halloween candy and sorting out my favorites. He made me cry.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I am so much better today. I actually slept last night.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I have been depressed once in my life. It was awful. I hated it. The weirdest part was that there was no reason for it that time. Right now I know that there is a reason and it still feels horrible. I feel such guilt for being depressed. She deserves all of the happiness that I would feel if I didn't know that she was going to leave us. Can she feel my sadness? I wonder about this a lot. Does she know what I feel?

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Just got back from the peri's office. Her heart is just a thumping away. This was the first time that I thought I might actually not hear it. She wasn't moving around very much, but she could be sleeping. She has gained weight. She is now 1lb 5oz. The little stinker is growing so well. I am 25w5d today and she was measuring 23w4d. Still 2 weeks behind, but a very consistent two weeks. I'll take that! I had a feeling that she was growing. I have been feeling her kick more and I feel some stretching every now and then. My stomach seems to have grown a little too.

This all sounds like wonderful news. So why do I feel so terribly sad? I must look sad too. Trey asked me 3 or 4 times if I was ok. Then he bought me cheesecake. When he isn't sure what to do he either runs me a bath or feeds me. Silly guy. I really do not deserve him.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I can't sleep. I took the day off because I have been sick all week and I just can't seem to shake it. There is just too much going on right now.

We had a good appointment with Keiran. The greatest thing happened too. I was in bed last night just looking at my belly (common pass time lately) and she kicked and I could see it! I called Trey over and he got to feel her kick over and over. He was so happy! It was great. We are thinking that she heard she weighed a whole 1lb 5oz and thought it was time to show off her size! Little stinker.

So my niece has been sick. She is seven months old today. She has been running high fevers for no reason. They took her to the doctor yesterday and the doctor told my sister to take her to the ER. They ran some tests and found that her white blood cell count was elevated. So my poor sister does research and comes back with this awful list that includes chronic bone marrow diseases and leukemia. She calls me and I have no idea what to say. I try and tell her not to worry, but I am worried too. I feel bad because she has been such a source of emotional support for me and now I don't know what to say to her. I am feeling very positive about it all and I hope that it is just a virus or something. The doctor was really kind of a dip though. She wouldn't answer her questions straight, which instantly leads one to think that there is something serious. They are growing a culture and we should hear back today. Prayers/good thoughts would be so greatly appreciated.

On top of all of this I found out that my uncle most likely has cancer in his mouth and my grandmother is either in the early stages of emphysema or has lung cancer. Also, if anyone reading this has any prayers left in them....

On Wednesday, a sixth grader at my school had a seizure. She has these quite frequently and no one was overly concerened. Then for some unknown reason she went into cardiac arrest. Thank God my school has a defibrillator (we lost a student in the district two years ago and have then since gotten them on all of the campuses) and they got her heart started and did artificial respiration until the ambulance arrived. She is now in the PICU at our (awesome) local children's hospital. They are unsure about brain damage though. They have put her in a coma and have given her a 50% chance of survival. Her little brother is in my class and so we all made him cards to cheer him up. He probably has no idea what is really going on. He is only 5. I really hope that he doesn't come back to school today since I am not there. He has enough stress right now.

Ok, I am done bringing everyone down. Somehow writing lightens my load just a little. Not enough to take away the headaches though. I think I am going to lie down and try to sleep some more.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Thay had an appointment at 10:30. I am waiting to hear. My mom and I arew driving down to San Antonio as soon as my mom comes to pick me up.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Apparently my substitute never showed up because she had car trouble. I can understand being late, but not showing up at all? Unacceptable. The principal tried to find a replacement. There were none to be had though. I am very skeptical about this though. It sounds like typical BS at my school. They don't have to pay a sub if there isn't one. So anyway, instead of pulling someone to cover my class they sent all 22 of my kids to one teacher's class. So this poor woman had her 23 and my 22. How frickin' ridiculous is that? That will be the last day that I take off until Keiran is born. I just cannot fathom the reasoning behind that brilliant decision. I am going to get her a thank you present. She didn't complain once when I talked to her. She told me that they were good. How can 45 5 year olds be good? She deserves a medal.

On another note, people asked her all day if there was something wrong with the baby and why I wasn't there. Not one person asks me how I am to my face when I am there. I wish people would just talk to me. I don't have a dirty little secret that needs to be whispered about. I made it all very public so that people would feel more comfortable asking about her and talking to me. Oh well......

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I'm going through journal withdrawl!!! It feels like it has been so long since I have written.

I got a little scared last night because Keiran hadn't been kicking very much yesterday...or today come to think of it. She was just a little less active than normal. Her heartbeat was fine though. I think that her back is in the front now or something. Ha ha, as I'm writing this she decides to give me a good kick like, "I'm here, Mom! Don't worry."

The little girl from work is out of her coma and my niece's blood results came back normal. Wheeew! What a massive relief. Thank goodness. I had a little talk with God and told him that if one more thing went wrong then I was going to have to seriously consider jumping off of the nearest bridge. Some of the stress has been lifted and I feel like I can breathe again.

My mom and I had a great talk on Friday. She told me to quit looking for a reason that all of this happened. She said that I wasn't going to find the answer. She also told me that she knows the guilt that I am feeling. She still blames herself because I have lupus. I started to tell her how dumb that was and then it hit me, I do the same thing with Keiran. I think that was the whole point of her telling me. Moms are pretty smart sometimes. She also told me that she hates to see me in so much pain. Not only is she losing her grandchild, she has to watch her daughter go through hell. Another thing she said was that she is glad that this is happening to me and not someone else. She said another person might not have made the same choices and given Keiran the same chances. She said I am strong enough to deal with this. I needed this talk with her. I felt so much better afterwards. We also got to talk about my dad. He has been pretty silent throughout the whole ordeal. Luckily my dad and I are very similar in the way that we think (We were actually born on the same day at the same exact time, 9-1 @ 11:22pm) and I can understand how he is coping with it all. He may seem like he doesn't care, but I know that he is dying inside. He hates to see me in pain and he hates the thought of losing his grandaughter. He gets so angry. He can't wrap his head around why this is happening. Sometimes when we talk about it he will get up and walk around. He can't sit still because he gets so mad. He'll throw in a question here or there or an exasperated sigh. I wonder how he is going to cope when she comes. I can't bear to think of the pain that my family is going to be in.

I haven't been a very good friend lately. When my friends complain about this or that I have such a hard time being compassionate. I wish that they would choose someone else to complain to for a little while. I am so tired of pretending to be upset for them. I know that I am doing a lousy job. I often cannot hide the looks of disgust when someone says something stupid. I hope people can just write me off. Oh well if they can't.........

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Broke down at work today. I didn't mean to, it just happened. We were in a staff meeting and a co-worker announced her pregnancy. I really like her and am really happy for her. I was ok until everyone started fawning over her. They announced her due date were cracking jokes about when she was going to deliver. Then they started joking about another pregnant co-worker too and I just frickin' lost it. I wanted to be anywhere in the entire world but there. No one meant to be mean or anything, I just couldn't deal with it. They dismissed the meeting and I bolted straight for the door. I probably sprinted. Two of my friends came out right after me and checked on me. I recovered quickly thank goodness. I just get so mad when I think about how sick she is and how unfair it all is. I think about how badly she is wanted and loved and how she will never really know it. It is too sad to even think about.

I really hope that I didn't upset the poor woman that announced her pregnancy. I am hoping that I got away almost undected. I guess even if I did upset her she will have many other happy moments.

Three people this week have asked about Keiran. That is more than the whole past month. Either I am getting fatter or they are finally comfortable with me. It is so strange they all used the same phrase "little one" when referring to her.

I need to sleep.............

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether it is easier to know that I am going to lose her, or if would be easier to be totally ignorant.

Knowing as I do allows me time to try and bond and love her as much as possible. I can also attempt to try and prepare myself for her death. On the other hand it makes me a jittery wreck and an emotional tornado.

If I didn't know then I could live out the rest of my pregnancy blissfully unaware. Then when we finally lost her it would be a total shock. We would have all of her new stuff and have been fully prepared to bring a child home.

I guess there is no better way. I am glad that we know though.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

Warning: Pity party for one...

My principal told me today that I don't even look like I am going to have a baby. I think that he was attempting to be complimentary, but I took it another way....like I always do. All I could think of is how small she is. I hope she's growing like a good little girl. I have threatened to ground her if she doesn't do some growing.

I am so sick of my life right now and that makes me feel so guilty. I have so much to be happy about and thankful for and I am just being a crap head about everything. I just want to sleep for the next year or so and get this all over with. That makes me a bad person. I know it. Some days I just wish it were all over, that whatever is going to happen will have already happened and I can quit wondering and waiting. I am a bad person. There is proof. I am not this strong and wonderful woman that everyone thinks I am. I am so tired of being scared all of the time. It is hell.

I just want to hold her. Can we fast forward to that part? Every day I wonder if this is going to be the day that her heart stops. If I don't feel her kick for a while I sit in the most scrunched up position and wait for her to kick me. This is only one thing that I am coming to obsess over. Where is that peace that I used to have? I guess it has been replaced by the reality of what is really going on. There is also this pathetic part of me that wants so badly to believe that she is going to be ok. I know that the chances of this are meager and I told myself that I wouldn't try to cling to that... Here I am though, obsessing over that!

Like I said....I am so sick of my life right now.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

I woke up at 2:45 and couldn't go back to sleep. I was envisioning when she was born. I was wondering if she was going to be alive or not. Then the thought of them taking her away was too much to handle. I must've cried for 30 minutes. I couldn't stop. I never have given a thought to what it would be like to not have her at all. Right now she is safe inside me. There will come a day when she won't be with me. That is just too scary.

I am a mess. One day I want it to all be over and the next day I never want it to end.

Trey and I kinda had it out too. I told him that I have been feeling really alone lately. He never asks me how I am or how Keiran is. He hardly ever even feels my tummy anymore. I know this is only because it is so hard for him. It makes it more really. I still need to him to show that he cares though. I also know that he will regret it later. He told me that he was sorry and basically told me what I already knew. Her kicking makes her even more real. Her being more real is even more painful because we know that she will not be with us for very long.

Joined: 12/29/04
Posts: 425

28 weeks today!

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