Trey and I were going to adopt a yellow lab from a local shelter. He was a farm dog that they decided wasn't needed anymore so they surrendered him. We have a chocolate lab at home that could use a playmate. This dog was scheduled to be put down on Monday so we were going to pick him up today. We called this morning to make sure that he hadn't been adopted yet and they put him down this morning. He was only two. I've been crying since I found out. I know that I am already on the edge and that is why I am reacting so strongly. Dogs are just so innocent and this poor guy had such a crappy life. At least he'll never be hurt again. Then again, he'd never have been hurt again with me. I know getting another dog was just a way to try and fill this massive void that has been left in my soul. Maybe that is why it hurts even more than it should.
We are doing our candle lighting and balloon release soon. Here is the poem that I am attaching to Keiran's balloon. It was written by a woman named Dawn who knows my sister through the March 05 BBC. Thank you Dawn.
In Honor Of Keiran
An angel that’s touched
More lives than she knows.
A gift from above
That’s so hard to let go.
In only a moment
Her presence was felt.
And throughout the world,
In prayer we knelt.
So perfect and sweet
Our hearts ache for those
You had yet to meet.
There’s so much to say,
But where to begin?
A lifetime of love,
So hard to fit in.
No words can describe,
No phrase can be true.
To tell you how much
So many miss you.
So little Keiran
Though sad and unfair
We know up in heaven
Angel’s wings do you wear.
Fly above us dear angel,
Please watch us down here.
And know in our hearts
You’ll always be near.
Ok, so I decided that I want to share a picture. I hope it is ok to post it here. Please let me know if it isn't and I will remove it. I'll leave a lot of space so that if someone doesn't want to look then they don't have to.
Ok, I took them down. I couldn't leave them up any longer. I'm sorry.
People keep telling me that she is in a better place. What better place could there possibly be than right here with me? They keep saying "You'll see her again someday," or "She is always with you." I say that is not good enough. I want her now. I don't care if that is selfish.
I am having a hard time seeing all of the blessings in my life right now. I am so angry at nothing all of the time. I have been told before that mourn for ourselves and not what was lost. We mourn because WE will miss the person and it is actually kind of selfish. I am not so sure about that now. I am mourning for the life that my daughter will never have. She will never get to do any of the wonderful things that people do when they grow up. This infuriates me. Why her? I don't understand and I probably never will.
Trey is supposed to go and pick up her urn today. Maybe that is why I am such a mess right now. She is coming home, but not the way I wanted.
Trey doesn't talk about her anymore unless I bring her up. I don't want this to become a trend. I hope it is just a phase that he needs to go through right now. I can't bear the thought of not being able to talk about her with him. Maybe he is just silently hurting. He hasn't opened up to me in a while. I am going to try and talk to him tonight. He went back to work on Monday and one if his bosses is already back to being the same jerk. Very nice. He was so angry when he got home yesterday. I know that the anger has to just be covering for the real problem though. He never would have gotten so mad before.
Last Wednesday was the hardest day so far. I was so depressed all day. I have no idea what triggers it, but it comes in waves.
It has officially slammed into me. I really want to try for another baby as soon as possible. I want something to look forward to. I want something to help me heal. I want another child to love.
I know it is so soon. I makes me feel a little guilty. There is no way I would want another child so quickly if Keiran were with is still. I feel almost disloyal. I am not trying to replace Keiran. There is no way I could do that or would want to do that. In the book I am reading this is a very normal reaction. Many people want to try again immediately. Why do I feel so guilty then?
It isn't going to happen anyway. Trey isn't ready yet.
I feel happy when I think about it though. I hope he comes around soon.
I made Trey talk to me. Told him just how I felt and we had a very good talk. Getting things out here first and then dicussing them with him really helps me. Thank goodness for this journal.
I went for my two week post partum check up. I was a WRECK at best. Trey couldn't go with me and I had a ton of anxiety about going. My BP was a little high, but I'm sure that had a lot to do with not wanting to go. I didn't want to see the happy pregnant ladies and I didn't want to hear the little heartbeats through the paper thin walls. I didn't want to see the little newborns. I saw it all though. It really sucked. I cried the minute the nurse left me alone in the room.
My OB asked me if it was tough and then talked to me a little about losing a child.
Oops, I need to back track a little. Keiran was born on Thursday and my OB thankfully was on call and got to be there. He wasn't on call on Friday but showed up to check on me (the office is right next door), then he showed up on Saturday on his day off just to check on me again. He is an awesome doctor. Then he talked with Trey and me about losing a child. He told us how he lost his son and gave us some advice on coping. He gave us the most sensible advice that we had gotten. "You only have to get through today" and when you don't feel like eating you can always "drink soup." I'm so glad that I found such a caring doctor.
Ok, so we talked more about what I was feeling. It is so good to know someone who has survived because some days I don't feel like I will. He told me that it never goes away, but it gets better. Right now I have a few ok days and then an awful one. My heart hurts when I think of how much I miss her. Sometimes it physically hurts too. I never knew that sorrow could cause physical pain.
I see moms and dads with their kids. Sometimes they are ignoring them or yelling at them and it used to make me so mad. They had no idea what they had. I know now that it is silly. We are human and it happens. I have turned that anger into a little prayer that goes something like,"God, please let them realize what they have and cherish it."
Trey told me today that as of now he would like to try again in June. I was so elated to hear this. I am not scared yet. When that test shows up positive I bet the fear will come then.
My biggest hope is for a healthy baby. That would be beyond wonderful.
I went to work today. At about 8:30 I started wondering what on earth I was thinking in going back. I made it though. The kids stopped asking about Keiran (they wanted comfirmation or something) and the adults got less akward. I made it through and am so exhausted now.
Today was mostly better. Mostly. Tomorrow is a half day. Thank goodness for half days.
I keep thinking that this should be Keiran's first Valentine's Day. How stupid is that? I don't even like Valentine's Day, but here I am thinking about it. My dad used to buy us little boxes of chocolate and stuffed animals. I know Trey is going to be a dad like that. I wonder what he would have bought Keiran this year. These thoughts help me none.
I wanted to thank people today. I have so many to thank.
I want to thank everyone who has sent me an e-mail or PM. I know that I have been lousy at responding to them, and honestly I may never respond and for that I am sorry. I do want you all to know that I have saved every single one of them and I go back and read them when I need to. They help me through. Thank you all so much.
To my birth board ladies. You have all been so amazing. Thank you so much for everything. I still get PMs checking on me. I know you are all busy having babies right now so I am hanging back a bit. I will return though. I need to see those little ones grow up. You are going to be amazing moms.
To my sister's birth board. You ladies are wonderful. I have thanked you before, but I want to again (it never seems enough). You didn't even know me and have been so sweet and supportive of both Jen and me. Thank you also for the $600 you raised of the March of Dimes. I think of the good that money will do and it makes me so happy. And it is all in Keiran's name. Thank you is all I know to say.
To everyone that donated to the March of Dimes in Keiran's name. I cannot thank you enough. Last time I checked our total was $2910. That is awesome. It has far surpassed any total I thought of when Casey first started it. Keiran has been gone less than three weeks and that much money has already been raised. Thank you all.
I'm sure that I forgot someone. When I come to my senses and figure out who, I can use that handy edit button!
Yesterday was supposed to be good. It was a half day! The kids left early so my stress was supposed to be gone.
Adults are worse than children. At least when children are curious about something they ask. Adults just talk about you behind you back, or in front of your face and try to not make it obvious. When 6 people simultaneously turn to look at you, things are being said. Then when you make eye contact with one of them and they look away quickly, that is your confirmation. Idiots. I left the room crying. Why do I let these people get to me? They aren't worth it. I can't control my emotions at all.
Why did God decide that I am not strong enough for a special needs child? I think that I could handle it. I know I could. I just keep getting so mad when I think about it.
There are so many pregnant women lately. Hardly any of them have tried to get that way either. We wanted a child so badly and she was taken away. These people have unprotected sex with random people and get what I want, a healthy child. One woman that I work with jokes about how she gets pregnant every time her husband looks at her. I want to punch her in the face.
I remember when I was about 30 weeks pregnant. I saw a little boy with Down Syndrome in my OB's office. I just started crying. Why couldn't she have Down's? I could have dealt with that. Anything to keep her here.
I keep thinking about what she would be doing if she were here with me. It is all so unrealistic. I keep imagining what a healthy baby would be doing, not Keiran. I hear people complain and WISH that I could be there complaining with them.
At work I feel like a leper. People keep avoiding me. What the hell are they afraid of? I am not contagious.
Here is some advice to any one that has to deal with someone who has lost a child. DON'T ignore them. If you don't know what to say try this, "I don't know what to say, but let me know if there is anything I can do." Honesty is awesome. Ask questions. Don't be afraid to make them sad, they already are!
I'm sorry this is so bitter and angry. I had a rough day. I just never expected other people to be so hard to deal with. Missing Keiran is awful, this on top of it all it almost unbearable.
The kids haven't asked about her this week. They don't avoid me either. Kids are great, though they make me crazy. My sanity was never actually fully intact.
I get so sad at night. I think it is a combination of being tired and finally slowing down and thinking. I hate thinking. I will be fine one minute and my mind will wonder off and I am right back in a bad place, crying my eyes out.
Another thing that is bothering me is that it feels like everyone expects me to be ok now. I am not ok. How could I be? I guess it just goes hand in hand with people ignoring it all. I don't want special treatment or anything, but I want people to ask how I am and mean it. I want too much it feels.
The woman that I work with that lost a baby has pretty much ignored me. I would have figured that she would know what to say and do. I wonder sometimes if I have brought it all back to her.
I've been so damn sad for so damn long I don't know what it is to feel happy anymore. I am just numb. Sure, I laugh, but happiness is fleeting and superficial. I want to be me again so badly. I don't know what it would take though. Yes I do, I need this hole in my heart repaired and that can only be done by my little girl.