I woke up so sad this morning. I didn't really know why. I started crying during the pledge of allegiance like a big idiot. Those aren't exactly the most moving words. Then I figured it out. Today was Keiran's four week birthday. It doesn't feel possible. It is so weird that it took my brain so long to work it out, but I really knew all along. I hate the way my mind works lately. It is like I am sheltering me from myself.
That sweet little girl in my class made me cry again. She painted me a picture and said, "This picture is of you and your baby. Now you can look at it and you don't need to cry anymore." I want to take her home.
It's raining this morning, so at least the weather matches my foul mood.
We need to find a counselor. I know that Trey needs more than I am giving him right now. I am so wrapped up in me that I am no good to him. I can't even muster a post on any boards. I can't offer advice, I can't give condolences. I am not me right now, but I think that is ok for a little while. I just hope I recognize myself soon. I want to see me again. Is it weird to miss yourself?
I am hesitant to join a support group. The social worker in the hospital gave us a whole list of them. I am not into social mourning. It is a private thing for me. I hate crying in front of people. I don't know why. I know it is dumb. I would think that I could find comfort in people that know what I am going through. The whole group thing just doesn't appeal to me. I am not going to tell Trey. I am just going to ask him if he wants to go to one and see how it is. I get nervous just thinking about it.
Maybe if I get out of the house then I will be in a better mood. My mom called last night to tell me that she was worried. Ok, she didn't come right out and say it, but Mom I know why you called. She wanted me to consider anti-depressants again. I don't think that I need them right now. When I was depressed before I thought about death all of the time. I worried myself and talked to the doctor. That isn't an issue right now. Right after she was born I prayed to God to let me die so we could be together. Never suicidal though. A book I am reading says that thinking about death is pretty normal, planning your own death is grounds to seek help. I am doing neither right now, so I think I am doing ok. Well, I am doing ok all things considered.
I took Keiran's pictures down. I'm sorry if someone wanted to see them and didn't get a chance. I had four people e-mail me (beautiful e-mails) telling me that they found my journal on a Google search and I got a little freaked out and took them down. I don't mind people reading my journal, that isn't what I mean at all. I have pretty much laid my guts out here for everyone to look at and I never actually intended for so many people to read it, but I have gotten so many e-mails about how my journal has touched someone in some way or another. That is amazing to me. I started it to help get all of my emotions out. I have journaled almost since I could write. That my story has made a difference, no matter how small, simply amazes me. I have been brutally honest, angry, weepy, self-absorbed and people still reach out to me and tell me I am amazing. Writing that just lifted my mood. So, though I never intended this to be read by so many I am very thankful that it has. I am honored that so many people have read about my little family and have been so supportive. I have done nothing extraordinary except share. Thank you.
Trey got a tattoo exactly one week after Keiran was born. It was his third. He has his initials and mine. It is shiny because of the A&D.
I also forgot the mention that Keiran was born on my mom's 46th birthday. My mom could not be more thrilled and says she is going to bake Keiran a chocolate cake every year (because apparently that is Keiran's favorite ) and she gets to eat it for her. This is even more special because I was born on my dad's birthday. We have a little tradition going now.
Here is another poem sent to my sister from her friend Maryann. Thanks Maryann!
Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into a empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people become to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you grace me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.
Love, your child.
We are trying to get another dog. We got approved to adopt and are just waiting for the vet to fax over papers saying our dogs are current on their shots. He is a sweet little black lab mix named Zach. I hope it happens.
I'm just so sad today. Her five week birthday. Am I going to do this every dang week?
I don't belong here anymore. There is nothing here for me but this journal. I stick around because I have grown to love so many women here, but I know that I don't fit in. They have diapers and bottles and babies and I have nothing. Even the pregnancy loss board feels foreign to me.
There was a sticky on my birthboard for Keiran and now it is gone. It must have not been added to in a long time and was eaten by the auto-pruner or just removed. I guess that little thing makes me feel like it is really over. I'm not a part of anything now. I didn't even know that it mattered that much to me.
My bp was at 150/100 today. I went into the nurse because of the tightening of my chest and asked her to take it. I guess my preeclampsia is hanging on. I'll have to be on meds now.
Can I please catch a frickin' break? I'm so angry. I did everything that I thought was right and I still feel like I am being punished for something. I know I have much to be thankful for, but I am having a hard time seeing that right now.
I am really angry. That'll help the ol' bp. The tightening in my chest continues.....
I went to the doctor yesterday. He cleared us to begin trying again in June. I thought that I really wanted to, but I'm not sure anymore. I keep going back and forth, which I am sure is normal. Lately normal sucks. He wasn't too concerned with my bp, he thinks it is just the stress of my job and mourning. I am relieved.
I joined Curves today. I felt really good after the work out. I had to tell them that I just had a baby and then I was asked how old she was. Eesh, it was the first time I had to tell someone. I think I nearly had a panic attack and flubbed my way through an explanation apologizing the whole time. NOT FUN! It was bound to happen sooner or later. I wish it was later. I am so weird and I even had thought everything out. I knew what I was going to say and how I was going to say it when someone asked. That flew out the damn window. Nothing really ever goes like I plan it.
Here are some things that I am trying to make myself believe. I'm working hard on them.
Life is not fair and it is ok.
I did nothing to make Keiran die. This was not some retribution for past sins. This was not a punishment.
I will never understand why she was taken.
I will never "get over it" and that is ok.
People are going to say hurtful, yet well intentioned things. I will take this as a sign that they have never experienced a loss and that is a good thing!
I am having very serious doubts about trying again in June. I know it may disappoint a lot of people (Trey included), but I am feeling very doubtful right now. I am still such a mess psychologically and physically I need to lose a ton more weight. Thinking of being pregnant scares the snot out of me. I may change my mind, who knows? At this moment I have to say no though. The thought of another baby makes me very happy, but I keep imagining the ending where I get to hold a healthy baby. I never put any thought into the whole process. The waiting, the testing, the not knowing-- these things might just kill me in the state that I am in.