I left tonight. Trey has been blowing up at me lately. Tonight I just left. I drove around to for over an hour. He called 4 times. I couldn't answer.
I don't want to hear sorry. I have heard it 30 thousand times. If he was sorry, he would stop. I know it is because he is hurting. He needs to find a more positive outlet. He is making things so much worse for me.
I very seriously considered driving into a pole. I was scoping them out. I picked a pretty deserted road. One thing stopped me though. It was actually stupid. I was driving the truck that we bought from my parents. It isn't officially in our name yet and I didn't want my parents to have to deal with the insurance. I would have only been hurt though. That wasn't what I was aiming for.
I just re-read that last paragraph. I think it is time that I seek some help now. I'm obviously not doing as well as other people think I am. Please no worries, I am not suicidal, just massively depressed.
Trey wrote me a letter. He does this when I am upset. I think it gives him a way to express how he feels without me interrupting. It is really effective for him. He wrote that he is sorry for blowing up at me all of the time. He says it is because he had a rough week at work. Following his lead, I wrote him back telling him that he needs to understand that it has nothing to do with work and everything to do with Keiran. He never talks about her and doesn't even say her name. I honestly think that he had no idea that was the real reason. He just broke down. I think it all finally came together for him. I just held him and told him that this is what we both needed. I needed to see that he is just as lost and sad as I am and he needed to mourn. He said that he was trying to make things better by being strong for me. I pointed out that his machismo actually made things worse. I wish that he could just drop that Y chromosome for a little while and mourn like he needs to.
He talked about her this morning. It was so nice to hear.
We are going to find a counselor Monday, though I can't quite bring myself to tell him what I was feeling yesterday. I don't want him to worry, but I also told him that I'd tell him if I had those thoughts. I should tell him. Maybe I'll just write it down. Then he'll feel like it was his fault. Argh.
Ok, so I'm kinda drunk. Don't judge me. I had to work up the courage to talk to Trey. I told him. He is scheduling a doctor's appointment tomorrow with our GP and he is going to go with me. I didn't even think of scheduling with the GP. Stupid Jamie. I'm glad that I told him. It was so hard. I sobbed the whole way through. I told him while he was drivng. So dumb. Good thing we only had five miles to drive.
I appreciate the PMs. It was truly a weak moment that I hope will never happen again. It is scary to think back on it. I am so logical and nothing mattered at that time except ending my suffering and pain. It seems so stupid and selfish right now. It SO didn't at the time though.
I am so tired of hurting, but I want to live on to see what is next, and I am going to.
Trey and I talked about June and we are both on the same page. The idea of trying again sounds nice, but reality is too scary. As of this moment I feel like I don't want to try ever again. Knowing me, this is a passing phase. I go from one extreme to the next. I'm sure it is all normal. Never trying again just sounds so peaceful and calm. Maybe I can just be my sister's kids favorite aunt or something. I dunno...just thinking.
I see the doctor tomorrow at 3:00. I am making Trey go with. He can talk if I can't. I hope I don't have a panic attack. I know my BP is going to be nuts. My worrying about it helps I'm sure.
The doctor went well. He is a really great guy. He told me over and over that he was very glad that I came in. He asked me a lot of questions and we talked for a long time. I have never had a doctor's appointment last that long. He knows everything that has been going on, but he didn't know that she was stillborn. He asked me to tell him what has been going on and I just lost it. Trey had to tell him. Thank God for Trey.
I have to go. I will elaborate more later. He did put me on anti-depressants though. I can't remember the name.
Ok, it's name is Lexapro. I am on day two. I don't feel any different, but I am not supposed to yet. He told me to give it at least two weeks, but probably more like four.
I am at this stage where I don't feel like eating anything. I know it is the depression. I have a lot of weight that I need to lose, so it isn't hurting me. I do eat some, I am just not interested in food or much else actually.
I was so sad today. I really want my medicine to start working. I know that I am impatient and that this stuff takes time. I am tired of feeling like the world is over and I just want this black cloud to pass.
I registered for the March of Dimes walk. It isn't until May 13 (that damn 13 again). I am looking forward to it. Our team name is "Keiran's Hope." I'm the dork that made that up. I've raised $70 and I just started yesterday. My little girl does such good things.
I have no patience with Trey. I feel so bad for him. Sometimes (often) I wonder why on earth he puts up with me. I'd probably have packed my bags and been out the door by now.
The doctor is seeing my weekly, just to check on me. He's a really good guy. He takes time to talk with me about what I am feeling. He keeps reassuring me that I'll feel much better soon. God I hope that he is right. I've never felt worse in my life.
Today was ok. The meds still haven't started yet. I am so impatient.
Four people told me that I looked like I had been losing weight. That made me pretty happy for a while. Lord knows I am trying! I have gone 3 times a week since I joined. I even won a free t-shirt. I sure takes the edge off of my day.
I don't know what the hell I want from Trey. I don't want him too close. I don't want him too far. I want him to talk to me, but we can't find conversation. He just kind of walks on egg shells while he waits for me to decide what the hell I want.
I missed her so much this week. Even more than normal. Sunday is going to mark two months since she died. I can't even think about it. I never really think about it too hard. It is way too painful. I can think about the whole deal a little, but any sort of in-depth thinking makes my heart hurt even more. I know that I should be dealing with all of this, but I feel like I am in survival mode. I guess this is where some sort of counselor would come in and make us talk about stuff. I am so tired of hurting. I don't want to think about it anymore. I can think about her face and how much I miss her, but that is about it. Beyond that I become a lunatic.
We went to my niece's first birthday party. It was jus ta family thing really. Not a huge ordeal. I got to make her cake and it turned out pretty well.
There was a little boy there who was born shortly after Keiran was. I forgot that he was going to be there. Everyone was fawning all over him. I know that is totally expected. I'm sure he was adorable. I never looked at him too closely though. I couldn't bring myself to. I felt so sick the whole time. This kid was almost the exact age that Keiran should have been. Everyone there knew that I had lost a child too. I was on the verge of tears so many times.
This all just makes everything so much harder. I cannot go anywhere or do anything without something making me think of her. I think of her with such sadness and heartache. I want to be able to think about her with joy or happiness. Hell, I'll settle for a little smile of rememberance.
I can wake up and know whether or not it is going to be a bad day for me. Today was one of those days that I knew was going to be bad. I didn't want to and almost couldn't get out of bed. This is odd for me because I am very much a morning person. I pop out of bed ready for the day. Lately this has been my indicator for whether I am more sad than other days.
I think I might be nervous about the support group that we are supposed to go to on Sunday. I am really NOT looking forward to it. I am so private normally (yeah, I know...I have this journal, somehow it still feels private to me).
I tried my best to be a good teacher. So much just falls to the wayside. My patience just isn't what it used to be. Most days I question my ability to be a teacher, let alone an effective one. I am just such a different person. I have yet to determine whether or not that is good or bad.