So I got to thinking yesterday. I do that a lot. I was thinking about the awful guilt I had during pregnancy. I was so scared that Keiran was going to die, but I was also so scared about all the special needs that she was going to have if she survived. I remember feeling awful guilt about the latter. I was so hard on myself. In reflection I had every right to be terrified. The world of special needs is practically unknown to me. I am really annoyed with how hard I have been on myself through all of this. I am sure that I have been difficult to live with, but seriously, who would not have been emotional?
On a happy note, my last day of school was Thursday. I am already missing my kids. I had more parents thank me and give me big hugs this year. One mom told me, "Without you she would not have learned to read. Thank you so much." My heart broke when they left. I love my little stinkers. I am moving to my new school though and could not be more thrilled. We went to our first staff meeting and they took us on a surprise tour of the new school. It was so nice. I have a closet in my classroom and even bathrooms! The sink so small for the kids. The room was huge and it had MAGNETIC whiteboards (my other school had shower boards screwed over the old chalkboards...nice). I know that these are normal school things for kinder classrooms, but it is a huge deal to me. We went back to the hall where we met for our meeting and the bar was open! So I sat and had a beer with my new principal and vice principal (off the clock). I am feeling so positive about this move.
I know that I have never gotten into how awful my old principal was, but believe me when I say he is a very terrible man. He has no business in a school and we have tried, without any success, to get the school board to take notice. I hope they wake up soon. I know that he is going to make a big mistake soon enough. I can't wait for that day.
Ok, back to the positive. I am feeling better for now. There are things in my life to look forward to and I am really trying to focus on the positive. I have noticed that my drive and energy are coming back. The thought of sweeping the floor does not send me over the edge.
Thanks for all the support out there. I read every e-mail and pm and I appreciate them. I keep them and read them over and over again. They help me through.
I am going to be MIA for a little while. I am flying out to Vegas tomorrow morning. My sister is getting married on Saturday. I am thrilled to be going on a vacation. I have not seen Trey this excited about anything for a long time. I think this will be good for us.
You ever feel so loved that you think your heart might physically burst from it all? I feel that way lately when I am with Trey.
Our vacation went well. We held hands and walked everywhere together. We snuggled and tickled. All those things we used to do before our lives went crazy. We reconnected. I think we may survive this and be better because of it.
Just a quick update. I'm still here and kicking. My "summer break" hasn't been very much of a break. Hopefully things will settle down for the rest of the month until I have to move into my new school in July.
Trey and I are arguing about when to have another baby. I could have slugged him when he said "I'm not ready for us to be pregnant again." Really? I went through just as much turmoil as he, plus all of the physical stuff (sciatica, massive water weight, pre-eclampsia) and here I am wanting to try and he is "scared." I asked him if it will be any less scary if we wait ten years. He said probably not. I am finding it hard to be sympathetic. He won't even listen to me or let me explain. He gets super-defensive. If he had read half the stuff that I have or talked to half the parents that I have, he would know that yes it is scary, but it is also healing. I think I deserve some happiness and my preference is to get it in the form of a positive test.
I am so frustrated. Someone beat me over the head with a trout and tell me to be patient. I don't have it in me right now.
Well, it is not going to happen. I know that if I pushed him, then he would be willing to start trying just to make me happy. That isn't what I want though, and it isn't fair. We aren't going to try for another year. I'm ok with it. Well, I'm not really ok with it, but I have come to accept it.
All the trout beating can stop. I have regained my patience....for now.
I am having a heck of a time today. I'm not sure why.
I heard about a radio show that was mocking parents who take pictures of their stillborn children. They even went as far as to say that they should take them to a taxidermist and have them stuffed. The organization that took Keiran's photographs has created a petition.