Everything is great. I got all the blood work back and my chances of a t18 or t13 baby are 1:2700. They nurse said that is almost normal for my age range. Since I started at 1:100, I am very happy with that number.
My OB told me I am still well within my rights to request an amnio. I don't want one though. I know everything is ok.
He did put me on one baby asprin a day. He said that it may help me NOT develop pre-e this time. It is also partyly because of my Lupus. It is a strange disease, so it is better to be on the safe side.
I've been kind of sad lately. I wake up each morning with a headache. I have been grinding my teeth at night. There is so much on my mind.
I am so excited about this new baby. I never really had the chance to be excited about Keiran before we knew her fate. I feel a little guilty about my excitement. I know it is ridiculous, but the guilt is still there.
I think Trey is going through a lot too. He has been really short with me. He's made me cry several times. While this can partly be blamed on my excessive hormones, he just isn't himself. I have tried to get him to talk about it, but he claims to not know what is wrong with him. He promised to try harder and to start acting like himself again. Once he figures out what is wrong I know he'll be back to normal.
We go for our ultrasound on the 12th. Trey claims to want a boy. I asked him why and he said that he doesn't know if he can handle another girl. It would be even harder for him. He said that he will be thrilled either way and I know he will be. When the u/s tech said she thought that she was a girl during the NT, I was completely thrilled. The kid is healthy though. I know it. That is what matters the most.
This morning when I woke up I was thinking about about the baby, how our lives will change, everything. In my mind I was saying, "If this baby survives..." It startled me. Everything is fine, but I can't quite let my guard down. I am deleriously happy about this child, but her/his death is a very real possibility for me. It isn't likely, but very real. I hadn't even noticed my mindset before this morning. I suppose it is just a way to protect myself.
Trey and I are doing a little better. He is in a fantastic mood today. It is a really nice change.
Trey and I are still doing great. He is such a sweetheart. He is always talking to and kissing the baby. He propped my feet up last night "just in case."
We got a new washer and dryer last night and I am far too excited about it. Since we will be cloth diapering, I convinced Trey that our 12 year-old washer and dryer won't cut it. They actually work fine (amazingly), but I wanted something that consumed less energy. I can't wait to see the water and electric bill go down.
I had a dream last night that I was in labor. The contractions were just a lot of pressure, so I think that the baby was active. I woke up completely flipping out. In my dream I was only 3 weeks early. IRL I am only 18 weeks.
I keep worrying about depression after the baby comes. I have already been there in my life and would never like to go back. My mom had PPD, my sister had PPD and who knows if what I had was partly PPD. I'm scared to death that I may slip back into it once this child is born. There is so much that we are going to have to deal with. So many new emotions. I know it will be a happy time, but I know there will be a lot of sadness too. I can't even think about the birth without sobbing. We'll get to hold a live, squiggly, pink baby. That is still so much to hope for.
Sometimes I can kind of feel depression creeping back in. I wonder if it is real or if it is just fleeting moments when everything seems too much. I still have times when I can't believe all that has happened. I worry a lot about depression this time. I hope I can cope better if it does come. I know what to look for and so do my loved ones.
I know that there are people that think I am a fool, that I made all of this so much harder for myself. By keeping her, allowing her to grow, giving her a chance, I made things worse. I can honestly say that they haven't a clue. You can't make an indescribably horrific situation worse. You can't say what you would do until it is staring you in the face. Don't judge me based on what you think you may do. It sounds cliche, but it is the truth.
Someone even said (not to me, but about me) that there was no way that they would hold their dead child. To them I say, I'm glad you have never had to chance to know what you would do. I hope you never do.
So there is really no winning. That's a good thing, because I'm not seeking approval. If I would have terminated, I would have been judged. Not terminating has obviously caused judgment. And in no strange coincidence, no one that has had to make that decision has offered anything but support. It changes you. There is no right answer. It is the grayest area imaginable.
I still think of her every day. All the time. It isn't obsessive, more in passing, always with love and longing.
I apologize if this entry seemed preachy or negative. Some things that were said have been eating at me for months. I thought that I had dismissed them, but I keep coming back to them. Hopefully now I can really move past them.