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  1. #31
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    She has been kicking like a crazy baby for the past two days! It is so hard to believe that she is so sick. Maybe it is just her sweet way of saying good-bye.

  2. #32
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    Nothing major happened at the doctor today. I have to do the GD test next time. I am not looking forward to it. If I fail that'd be just one more thing. Oh well. I could handle it. I know that sugar is bad anyway. I could also stand to lose some weight. Here I go being all negative again. Sheesh!

    I took one of those silly online tests. Ok, I actually really like taking those silly tests!

    I found out what Disney princess I am.

    You Are Mulan!


    Strong and spirited. You're no one's girly girl; actually you are very determined person with a strong sense of self. Never let go of that! The only thing that equals your sense of self is your family, but the traditions of society can always be bent to protect something or someone you love.


    Which Disney Princess Are You?

    Mulan is one of my very favorite Disney movies! I get a kick out of the smallest things.

  3. #33
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    I didn't feel her kick very much today and it worried me a little. We found the heartbeat right away with the doppler though.

    Our gown for her came in the mail yesterday. I made Trey open it. I was ok though. I never know how I am going to react. It looks kinda big, but my mom said it looked like it was for a doll. Even if it is big I don't care. It is beautiful. The little hat is so precious and there is lace at the bottom of the gown that is so pretty. I am pleased with it.

    I have parent conferences tomorrow. I am not really looking forward to it. I had about 5 parents that didn't respond at all to my conference letter. Last year only half that signed up came. I hope it is a little better this year. The school is trying to work around the parents' schedules and the conferences are from 11-5. I am in for a longish day.

  4. #34
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    I got a present this morning.

    My friends are so thoughtful. I just love it.

    I just remembered. My doctor told me that after she passes it may take up to 3 days to induce me. This can't be true, can it? I can't imagine that horror. I am overwhelmed again.

  5. #35
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    Eeesh..today is the "two week" mark. I remembered that this morning and it made me feel so sick. I know that it was just his best estimate, but I can't even bear to try and find her heartbeat. Trey is going to have to do it when he gets home. I am so scared.

    I was just now reading an article on silentgrief.com and it said that you should always tell people about your child that has died when people ask how many children you have. I am trying to imagine myself saying, "Yes we have one, but she is in heaven." I am also trying to imagine saying, "We have no children." Which would be less terrible to say? They both seem totally horrific. To deny her would be unforgiveable and to talk about it will be so painful. I think that the pain is the best way to go. I couldn't ever deny her. How do you say that though? Someone casually asks you if you have children and then you bowl them over with this personal tragedy. I would feel awful if I asked someone about their children and they told me, "We had a little girl, but she is no longer with us." There is a conversation halter.

    Another thing that made my day craptastic... I found out that in Texas the fetus needs to be 28 weeks in order to be considered a person. That means no birth or death certificate. Why is this so important to me? It seems so stupid. She will always be a real person to me. I shouldn't give a **** what the state says. I do though. It is like a little piece of paper that tells the world, "hey, I'm a mom too!" I worry about the stupidest stuff. I guess if I worry about the petty crap then I don't think as much about the real stuff.

    The stages of grief (denial, bargaining, anger, depression acceptance) are not very linear. I figured that you go through them and then you are done. Nope. I linger often in anger and depression but I have found myself jumping back to bargaining again. I would trade her life for anything. I try to strike deals with God all of the time. So far he hasn't agreed to any of my terms. It is so stupid really. It is pointless and is just torture for me. Like I don't have even crap going on without me torturing myself too.

  6. #36
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    I'm a mess today. The kids were so good yesterday and today they are trying my patience. So here I am on my lunch break writing in my journal. i should probably eat.

    We went to Hallmark yesterday because I wanted to look around. Trey and I have this tradition of buying one ornament a year since we have been married. This was his year so I went to look around and I asked him to look for something for Keiran too. I found the baby section and picked out a frame that I wanted. Trey comes back and tells me he found something for Keiran. He holds up this ornament of a little girl called the "Little Irish Dancer." She has brown hair like Trey and green eyes like me and I just lost it in the store. He tried to hug me, but that just made it worse. I had to walk away. The silliest things keep setting me off. Now we are going to buy an ornament for Keiran every year too. I also bought her a little teddybear that is dressed up like a bunny. It is the sofest thing I have ever felt.

    My sister sent me the words to a new song by Kenny Chesney:

    Sunny days seem to hurt the most
    I wear the pain like a heavy coat
    I feel you everywhere I go
    I see your smile, I see your face
    I hear you laughing in the rain
    Still can’t believe you’re gone
    It ain’t fair you died too young
    Like a story that had just begun
    But death tore the pages all the way
    God knows how I miss you
    All the hell that I’ve been through
    Just knowing no one could take your place
    Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today
    Would see the world?
    Would you chase your dreams?
    Settle down with a family?
    I wonder what you would have named your babies
    Some days the sky’s so blue
    I feel like I can talk to you
    And I know it might sound crazy
    It ain’t fair you died too young
    Like a story that had just begun
    But death tore the pages all the way
    God knows how I miss you
    All the hell that I’ve been through
    Just knowing no one could take your place
    Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today
    Sunny days seem to hurt the most
    I wear the pain like a heavy coat
    The only thing that gives me hope is
    I know I’ll see you again someday

  7. #37
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    We went to Build a Bear today to make an animal for Keiran. I have no idea how it got started, but Trey and I call each other "bunny." I have been calling Keiran "little bunny," so I had to get the bunny. We have previously tried to go there and I couldn't handle it. I made it today though! Hooray for me! Ok, so I almost lost it once, but I recovered and we got to finish. We got to stuff it and make little wishes into its heart. I didn't really make a wish though I just said, "Mommy loves you sweetheart." We didn't buy any clothes or anything, I liked it just the way it was. When we printed the birth certificate the bunny's weight was listed at 13 oz. That is the exact weight Keiran was at at our last peri visit. It made me smile.

    When we got home Trey said, " I won't make fun of you if you sleep with it." I told him good, because I was going to do it either way.

    Sometimes I feel like I am annoying to my family. I am such a sad sack all of the time. I feel like Eeyore on a bad day. I try to be happy, but it feels so fake. I am certain that they are sick of me moping. I can't help it though. I can find joy in a lot of things, but I am not the sunny Jamie that I used to be. It feels like I may never be that way again. I know that I am depressed right now and I know that I won't remain this way forever, but I won't be the same ever again either. I think I am just rambling now....

    We lit our candle yesterday. I do have to admit that my preggo brain failed me and we were one whole hour late. That's ok though, we just lit it with the Mountain Time people instead of the Central Time people. I tried!

  8. #38
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    I'm back at anger. I hate this. I was just driving home, happily on my way and it hit me so hard. I was so angry all over again. I may have gotten into this before, but I am going over it again. I am one of those people that have never really done anything wrong. I am the epitome of a goody two shoes. I never drank without my parents' permission before I was 21, I have never smoked a cigarette, I was a virgin until my wedding night, I got good grades in school, and I have always been so frickin' nice to everyone. I make myself sick just thinking about how hard I have tried to be the best person that I can. I so often put others before me and then I get smacked in the face with my poor, sweet daughter being so sick. I just got so furious and started in with the "why me" crap. You know even if I had been a drinking, smoking, ****ty ***** I wouldn't have deserved this either. I can't make any sense out of all of this and it pisses me off. I have to accept that it happened just because it did.

    I don't feel less blessed because Keiran has problems, I just feel so angry that she will never get a chance at life. That is what makes me the angriest. She'll never get a first kiss or go to the prom. She will never dance at her wedding or have a child of her own. She'll never even cut a tooth or make that sour face that babies always get when they try something new. I will never get to hear her laugh or know what it sounds like for her to call me mommy.

  9. #39
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    One more thing. Trey just brought me a big ol' pile of red and pink Starbursts. He must have sat for ten minutes opening all the packages of Halloween candy and sorting out my favorites. He made me cry.

  10. #40
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    I am so much better today. I actually slept last night.

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