Thread: Just wanted to talk...

I have been depressed once in my life. It was awful. I hated it. The weirdest part was that there was no reason for it that time. Right now I know that there is a reason and it still feels horrible. I feel such guilt for being depressed. She deserves all of the happiness that I would feel if I didn't know that she was going to leave us. Can she feel my sadness? I wonder about this a lot. Does she know what I feel?

Just got back from the peri's office. Her heart is just a thumping away. This was the first time that I thought I might actually not hear it. She wasn't moving around very much, but she could be sleeping. She has gained weight. She is now 1lb 5oz. The little stinker is growing so well. I am 25w5d today and she was measuring 23w4d. Still 2 weeks behind, but a very consistent two weeks. I'll take that! I had a feeling that she was growing. I have been feeling her kick more and I feel some stretching every now and then. My stomach seems to have grown a little too.

This all sounds like wonderful news. So why do I feel so terribly sad? I must look sad too. Trey asked me 3 or 4 times if I was ok. Then he bought me cheesecake. When he isn't sure what to do he either runs me a bath or feeds me. Silly guy. I really do not deserve him.

I can't sleep. I took the day off because I have been sick all week and I just can't seem to shake it. There is just too much going on right now.

We had a good appointment with Keiran. The greatest thing happened too. I was in bed last night just looking at my belly (common pass time lately) and she kicked and I could see it! I called Trey over and he got to feel her kick over and over. He was so happy! It was great. We are thinking that she heard she weighed a whole 1lb 5oz and thought it was time to show off her size! Little stinker.

So my niece has been sick. She is seven months old today. She has been running high fevers for no reason. They took her to the doctor yesterday and the doctor told my sister to take her to the ER. They ran some tests and found that her white blood cell count was elevated. So my poor sister does research and comes back with this awful list that includes chronic bone marrow diseases and leukemia. She calls me and I have no idea what to say. I try and tell her not to worry, but I am worried too. I feel bad because she has been such a source of emotional support for me and now I don't know what to say to her. I am feeling very positive about it all and I hope that it is just a virus or something. The doctor was really kind of a dip though. She wouldn't answer her questions straight, which instantly leads one to think that there is something serious. They are growing a culture and we should hear back today. Prayers/good thoughts would be so greatly appreciated.

On top of all of this I found out that my uncle most likely has cancer in his mouth and my grandmother is either in the early stages of emphysema or has lung cancer. Also, if anyone reading this has any prayers left in them....

On Wednesday, a sixth grader at my school had a seizure. She has these quite frequently and no one was overly concerened. Then for some unknown reason she went into cardiac arrest. Thank God my school has a defibrillator (we lost a student in the district two years ago and have then since gotten them on all of the campuses) and they got her heart started and did artificial respiration until the ambulance arrived. She is now in the PICU at our (awesome) local children's hospital. They are unsure about brain damage though. They have put her in a coma and have given her a 50% chance of survival. Her little brother is in my class and so we all made him cards to cheer him up. He probably has no idea what is really going on. He is only 5. I really hope that he doesn't come back to school today since I am not there. He has enough stress right now.

Ok, I am done bringing everyone down. Somehow writing lightens my load just a little. Not enough to take away the headaches though. I think I am going to lie down and try to sleep some more.

Thay had an appointment at 10:30. I am waiting to hear. My mom and I arew driving down to San Antonio as soon as my mom comes to pick me up.

Apparently my substitute never showed up because she had car trouble. I can understand being late, but not showing up at all? Unacceptable. The principal tried to find a replacement. There were none to be had though. I am very skeptical about this though. It sounds like typical BS at my school. They don't have to pay a sub if there isn't one. So anyway, instead of pulling someone to cover my class they sent all 22 of my kids to one teacher's class. So this poor woman had her 23 and my 22. How frickin' ridiculous is that? That will be the last day that I take off until Keiran is born. I just cannot fathom the reasoning behind that brilliant decision. I am going to get her a thank you present. She didn't complain once when I talked to her. She told me that they were good. How can 45 5 year olds be good? She deserves a medal.

On another note, people asked her all day if there was something wrong with the baby and why I wasn't there. Not one person asks me how I am to my face when I am there. I wish people would just talk to me. I don't have a dirty little secret that needs to be whispered about. I made it all very public so that people would feel more comfortable asking about her and talking to me. Oh well......

I'm going through journal withdrawl!!! It feels like it has been so long since I have written.

I got a little scared last night because Keiran hadn't been kicking very much yesterday...or today come to think of it. She was just a little less active than normal. Her heartbeat was fine though. I think that her back is in the front now or something. Ha ha, as I'm writing this she decides to give me a good kick like, "I'm here, Mom! Don't worry."

The little girl from work is out of her coma and my niece's blood results came back normal. Wheeew! What a massive relief. Thank goodness. I had a little talk with God and told him that if one more thing went wrong then I was going to have to seriously consider jumping off of the nearest bridge. Some of the stress has been lifted and I feel like I can breathe again.

My mom and I had a great talk on Friday. She told me to quit looking for a reason that all of this happened. She said that I wasn't going to find the answer. She also told me that she knows the guilt that I am feeling. She still blames herself because I have lupus. I started to tell her how dumb that was and then it hit me, I do the same thing with Keiran. I think that was the whole point of her telling me. Moms are pretty smart sometimes. She also told me that she hates to see me in so much pain. Not only is she losing her grandchild, she has to watch her daughter go through hell. Another thing she said was that she is glad that this is happening to me and not someone else. She said another person might not have made the same choices and given Keiran the same chances. She said I am strong enough to deal with this. I needed this talk with her. I felt so much better afterwards. We also got to talk about my dad. He has been pretty silent throughout the whole ordeal. Luckily my dad and I are very similar in the way that we think (We were actually born on the same day at the same exact time, 9-1 @ 11:22pm) and I can understand how he is coping with it all. He may seem like he doesn't care, but I know that he is dying inside. He hates to see me in pain and he hates the thought of losing his grandaughter. He gets so angry. He can't wrap his head around why this is happening. Sometimes when we talk about it he will get up and walk around. He can't sit still because he gets so mad. He'll throw in a question here or there or an exasperated sigh. I wonder how he is going to cope when she comes. I can't bear to think of the pain that my family is going to be in.

I haven't been a very good friend lately. When my friends complain about this or that I have such a hard time being compassionate. I wish that they would choose someone else to complain to for a little while. I am so tired of pretending to be upset for them. I know that I am doing a lousy job. I often cannot hide the looks of disgust when someone says something stupid. I hope people can just write me off. Oh well if they can't.........

Broke down at work today. I didn't mean to, it just happened. We were in a staff meeting and a co-worker announced her pregnancy. I really like her and am really happy for her. I was ok until everyone started fawning over her. They announced her due date were cracking jokes about when she was going to deliver. Then they started joking about another pregnant co-worker too and I just frickin' lost it. I wanted to be anywhere in the entire world but there. No one meant to be mean or anything, I just couldn't deal with it. They dismissed the meeting and I bolted straight for the door. I probably sprinted. Two of my friends came out right after me and checked on me. I recovered quickly thank goodness. I just get so mad when I think about how sick she is and how unfair it all is. I think about how badly she is wanted and loved and how she will never really know it. It is too sad to even think about.

I really hope that I didn't upset the poor woman that announced her pregnancy. I am hoping that I got away almost undected. I guess even if I did upset her she will have many other happy moments.

Three people this week have asked about Keiran. That is more than the whole past month. Either I am getting fatter or they are finally comfortable with me. It is so strange they all used the same phrase "little one" when referring to her.

I need to sleep.............

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether it is easier to know that I am going to lose her, or if would be easier to be totally ignorant.

Knowing as I do allows me time to try and bond and love her as much as possible. I can also attempt to try and prepare myself for her death. On the other hand it makes me a jittery wreck and an emotional tornado.

If I didn't know then I could live out the rest of my pregnancy blissfully unaware. Then when we finally lost her it would be a total shock. We would have all of her new stuff and have been fully prepared to bring a child home.

I guess there is no better way. I am glad that we know though.

Warning: Pity party for one...

My principal told me today that I don't even look like I am going to have a baby. I think that he was attempting to be complimentary, but I took it another way....like I always do. All I could think of is how small she is. I hope she's growing like a good little girl. I have threatened to ground her if she doesn't do some growing.

I am so sick of my life right now and that makes me feel so guilty. I have so much to be happy about and thankful for and I am just being a crap head about everything. I just want to sleep for the next year or so and get this all over with. That makes me a bad person. I know it. Some days I just wish it were all over, that whatever is going to happen will have already happened and I can quit wondering and waiting. I am a bad person. There is proof. I am not this strong and wonderful woman that everyone thinks I am. I am so tired of being scared all of the time. It is hell.

I just want to hold her. Can we fast forward to that part? Every day I wonder if this is going to be the day that her heart stops. If I don't feel her kick for a while I sit in the most scrunched up position and wait for her to kick me. This is only one thing that I am coming to obsess over. Where is that peace that I used to have? I guess it has been replaced by the reality of what is really going on. There is also this pathetic part of me that wants so badly to believe that she is going to be ok. I know that the chances of this are meager and I told myself that I wouldn't try to cling to that... Here I am though, obsessing over that!

Like I said....I am so sick of my life right now.

I woke up at 2:45 and couldn't go back to sleep. I was envisioning when she was born. I was wondering if she was going to be alive or not. Then the thought of them taking her away was too much to handle. I must've cried for 30 minutes. I couldn't stop. I never have given a thought to what it would be like to not have her at all. Right now she is safe inside me. There will come a day when she won't be with me. That is just too scary.

I am a mess. One day I want it to all be over and the next day I never want it to end.

Trey and I kinda had it out too. I told him that I have been feeling really alone lately. He never asks me how I am or how Keiran is. He hardly ever even feels my tummy anymore. I know this is only because it is so hard for him. It makes it more really. I still need to him to show that he cares though. I also know that he will regret it later. He told me that he was sorry and basically told me what I already knew. Her kicking makes her even more real. Her being more real is even more painful because we know that she will not be with us for very long.