So I got to thinking yesterday. I do that a lot. I was thinking about the awful guilt I had during pregnancy. I was so scared that Keiran was going to die, but I was also so scared about all the special needs that she was going to have if she survived. I remember feeling awful guilt about the latter. I was so hard on myself. In reflection I had every right to be terrified. The world of special needs is practically unknown to me. I am really annoyed with how hard I have been on myself through all of this. I am sure that I have been difficult to live with, but seriously, who would not have been emotional?
I have been working on a website for her. Not the babies online one. It is cute, but I want something more customizable.http://firstname.lastname@example.org/
It is rough and not even close to being done. I wanted to share it anyway.
On a happy note, my last day of school was Thursday. I am already missing my kids. I had more parents thank me and give me big hugs this year. One mom told me, "Without you she would not have learned to read. Thank you so much." My heart broke when they left. I love my little stinkers. I am moving to my new school though and could not be more thrilled. We went to our first staff meeting and they took us on a surprise tour of the new school. It was so nice. I have a closet in my classroom and even bathrooms! The sink so small for the kids. The room was huge and it had MAGNETIC whiteboards (my other school had shower boards screwed over the old chalkboards...nice). I know that these are normal school things for kinder classrooms, but it is a huge deal to me. We went back to the hall where we met for our meeting and the bar was open! So I sat and had a beer with my new principal and vice principal (off the clock). I am feeling so positive about this move.
I know that I have never gotten into how awful my old principal was, but believe me when I say he is a very terrible man. He has no business in a school and we have tried, without any success, to get the school board to take notice. I hope they wake up soon. I know that he is going to make a big mistake soon enough. I can't wait for that day.
Ok, back to the positive. I am feeling better for now. There are things in my life to look forward to and I am really trying to focus on the positive. I have noticed that my drive and energy are coming back. The thought of sweeping the floor does not send me over the edge.
Thanks for all the support out there. I read every e-mail and pm and I appreciate them. I keep them and read them over and over again. They help me through.
Today is the one year anniversary of when I go tmy first positive pregnancy test. It is unbelievable how much has changed in a year.
Missing you always sweet angel. I love you Keiran.
I am going to be MIA for a little while. I am flying out to Vegas tomorrow morning. My sister is getting married on Saturday. I am thrilled to be going on a vacation. I have not seen Trey this excited about anything for a long time. I think this will be good for us.
I'm back. Everything went well. The wedding was beautiful and short. I'll post some pictures when I get them all downloaded.
You ever feel so loved that you think your heart might physically burst from it all? I feel that way lately when I am with Trey.
Our vacation went well. We held hands and walked everywhere together. We snuggled and tickled. All those things we used to do before our lives went crazy. We reconnected. I think we may survive this and be better because of it.
Just a quick update. I'm still here and kicking. My "summer break" hasn't been very much of a break. Hopefully things will settle down for the rest of the month until I have to move into my new school in July.
Trey and I are arguing about when to have another baby. I could have slugged him when he said "I'm not ready for us to be pregnant again." Really? I went through just as much turmoil as he, plus all of the physical stuff (sciatica, massive water weight, pre-eclampsia) and here I am wanting to try and he is "scared." I asked him if it will be any less scary if we wait ten years. He said probably not. I am finding it hard to be sympathetic. He won't even listen to me or let me explain. He gets super-defensive. If he had read half the stuff that I have or talked to half the parents that I have, he would know that yes it is scary, but it is also healing. I think I deserve some happiness and my preference is to get it in the form of a positive test.
I am so frustrated. Someone beat me over the head with a trout and tell me to be patient. I don't have it in me right now.
Well, it is not going to happen. I know that if I pushed him, then he would be willing to start trying just to make me happy. That isn't what I want though, and it isn't fair. We aren't going to try for another year. I'm ok with it. Well, I'm not really ok with it, but I have come to accept it.
All the trout beating can stop. I have regained my patience....for now.
I am having a heck of a time today. I'm not sure why.
I heard about a radio show that was mocking parents who take pictures of their stillborn children. They even went as far as to say that they should take them to a taxidermist and have them stuffed. The organization that took Keiran's photographs has created a petition.
While I can be thankful that these people have never experienced what I have, I am disgusted at their lack of tact and basic sense of decency.
I have been watching my niece this past week. She isn't feeling too well. She is a sweetie though. Maybe I won't give her back tomorrow.
I am hoping that watching Arianna will make Trey think twice about his decision to wait another year. He is so sweet with her it breaks my heart.
People around me keep getting pregnant. I am going crazy.
I didn't take my anti-depressants for a week. My sister told me it was dangerous. I don't feel any different since I stopped. I hate taking them even though I know they help. I'll take them again tonight.
We went to group at 2:00 today. There was only three of us. I am not sure if it is helping me, but Trey won't shut up. He keeps talking about his parents and how they have continually let him down. I'm not sure what this has to do with Keiran. He just has a lot of shit to work out.
I'm feeling so down. I am not ready for her to be gone five months yet. That is too long. People are expecting me to be fine now. I am not fine. I am so not fine. We went out to breakfast this morning and there was a baby at the next table. He was about Keiran's age. I kept looking at him. That is supposed to be me.
I know now that Trey is not going to relent. I am not going to get my baby any time soon. I'm very angry but not at him. I'm just mad. I don't want to be patient. I just want a baby.
Still so depressed. What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm kind of starting to feel like I am done here. Well, with my journal. I don't have anything to say that I haven't said before.
That said, if I feel the need to come back and add more I will.
Bye for now.
I'm back! Miss me?
Well, Trey decided last Sunday that he was ready to try again. I cannot explain how much this has helped me. I have something to look forward to again. Even though I am on cycle day 50 or so, I am very confident that we will pregnant with a healthy baby very soon!
Things have kind of been falling in place since Sunday. I was previously denied disability insurance at work because of a pre-existing condition. For some reason the school district decided to do an "open enrollment" and they could NOT exclude me this time. This makes this whole baby thing feel so much more like it is meant to be at this moment. While my OB is not on my insurance any more, I am going to go and see him anyway. He knows us and what we've been through. I don't care how much we have to pay.
My whole family is so excited. My dad asks my mom every morning if I am pregnant yet. He was convinced that it only takes a few days to know or not. Got to love him! My sister is pg right now. She is due on May 26. This is the perfect time.
Wish me luck. I can't wait to make that big announcement when the time comes!
I think AF is on her way. I hope so. Today is CD 50. I'm still excited.
Maybe I should feel sad to be moving on, but I don't. Not yet. It isn't as if I am leaving Keiran behind though. She is always right here. I am still sad when I think of her, but I also have a lot of hope and love. I am mostly at peace (at least momentarily) about what happened.
I guess my biggest fear is that something similar will happen again. Chances are greater that it will. They are 1% now. It is a small and very scary percentage. I don't know what I would do. I hope that I would be strong enough to make the same choice, but I can't say for sure. It almost killed me the first time.
Sometimes I wonder if I am weaker now because I had to be so strong for so long. It wears you down. I don't know if I could ever be that strong again. I hope to God that I never have to.
I got to thinking yesterday. This month it will be 9 months since Keiran died. That means that she'll soon be gone for longer that she was ever with me. How can this all still hurt so much?
Trey and I have been bickering a lot lately. It is me. I am sure of it. While I am so excited to be trying again, I never imagined the enourmous amount of pressure that I'd be feeling. It isn't coming from any one place really, it is just there. We need to conceive this month or we will have to take three months off. The thought of already taking a break scares me (It is for timing purposes. We don't want to have a baby in August, September or October because of school). Everyone wants us to get pregnant now. I have to amit that I do too, but I'm worried that I will not ovulate...ahh, I just realized that it is ME that is putting so much pressure on ME. I hate when I cause my own stress. How pointless. :roll:
I know that it will all happen when it is supposed to, but I am feeling impatient and quite scared. What else is new?
So, I am still waiting to ovulate. I'm trying out the OPKs without much success.
A girl from high school emailed me and told me that she had a dream that I had twin boys. It was odd. She read about Keiran and it was probably on her mind.
The butterflies are all migrating to Mexico. They are everywhere. Butterflies always remind me of Keiran. I'm not really sure why. I was reading a magazine outside and I went to turn to page and one landed right on my hand. I was completely dumbfounded. It's cheesy, but I want to think that it was Keiran saying hello. I don't think I've ever had a butterfly land on me. One later landed on Trey and my mom too.
I hope it was just our baby girl saying hello.
A good friend of mine told me yesterday that she was pregnant. It was an accident. I was really happy for her, but I was also really upset. I hate that I get upset. My whole morning all I could think of is how that was supposed to be me. I don't know why it hurts so much when people get pregnant, but I am better today.
I really do not have a good feeling about this cycle. I don't think that I am pregnant. I know that "feelings" aren't everything, and I sure hope that I am wrong.
I've been struggling lately. Struggling with a lot of things.
I'm having a crisis of faith. I've been contemplating it a while now. I'm not even sure there is a god anymore. How can there be? I used to not think to heavily about it. I wanted to believe and so I did. If I didn't think about it too hard then I could not find the flaws. There are many flaws too.
I finally forced myself to look at things, look really hard. I'm just not sure that there can even be a god. I don't think that I doubt now because of Keiran. It is more that losing Keiran caused me to look at things differently.
I want to believe in heaven and god and an afterlife, how else would I see her again?
There are just too many flaws, too many problems, too many contradictions. I can't make sense of it all.
At the same time, it is too simple. You just say that you believe in your heart that Christ is your savior and *poof* you are safe? I don't like that. At all.
I see the people that go to church. Those are not people that I would like to keep my company with. Most of them anyway. There are *always* exceptions.
Maybe it is because I am still so pissed. "God" ignored me through my pregnancy, allowed my daughter to die even though I prayed and prayed and so did countless others. I didn't even get her for five minutes. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH. Where was this god then?
I'm sure that there is a whole truckload of scripture telling me not to question him, he knows all and has a master plan (mighty convenient) but I am going to do so anyway. If he even exists then what right did he have? I need her. I am a shell of who I was. I pretend to be me, but I am not anymore. I am not over it. I'll never be over it. People always say god has spoken to them. He never did to me. He turned his back to me. I listened with one ear to the ground and one ear to the sky. I waited. NOTHING. And now still nothing.
Maybe this anger and doubt makes me weak. If so, I don't care. I'm fed up.
God, if you exist and are listening, I am listening too. I read that you don't give signs (convenient again, no?), but here I am waiting. Give me a reason to believe, or I'm out.
Happy nine month birthday sweet girl. Love you tons!
I am feeling better. I'm still unsure, but the anger is gone.
Normally all I feel is great sadness at these times. The times that everything comes crashing back down. I didn't even know I had such rage until I started writing. Thank goodness for this journal, or I might be even less sane. It is my therapy. It has made me learn many things about myself.
All is well. I know a few of you expressed concern. My nosey sister (and I think my mom and grandma) checks my journal, so I do have someone in my every day life that I can talk to as well. Thank you all. This was just one of those times where instead of accepting it, I questioned it. It never does me any good, but I still do it. :roll: Do I covet this form of self-torture? No, though it appears that way somedays. I just miss her some days more than others. I start thinking and then things snowball from there. My mom has told me many times, "Jamie, sometimes you think too much." I do. I know it. It is annoying. I can't turn my brain off.
I'm going back on my anti-depressants. I can't/don't want to do it without them anymore.
Not pregnant and I'm ok. I guess we will start again in Feb. IF we can wait that long!
Just feeling blah lately. I know that it is because her first birthday is very quickly approaching. The past 9 1/2 (almost 10) months have flown by. I know the next 2 1/2 will as well. Not looking forward to it. Trey has brought the Christmas decorations down from the attic. I know he is trying to give me something to look forward to. I love decorating the house. The boxes are just sitting there though. I am trying to get motivated.
I even find myself withdrawing from here. I seem to be going in cycles. I hope that the cycles lengthen. Once a year I will be able to deal with the mourning. Like my friend Lori says, your cells just seem to remember.
I expected to feel differently by now. I guess I expected to hurt less. There is a constant dull ache though. Yesterday someone (quite innocently) asked me if Trey and I had kids. I hate saying no, but I do. At least I don't feel like I am going to have a panic attack anymore. I know the truth, I can't help but to wish that it was so different.
I was very sad yesterday morning. I can't shut my mind off when it travels over to "What Should be Land." I thought it all out. I thought about what I wish would be true. Then I cried for all she has missed and all that she will miss.
Then I felt better.
I guess (without even realizing it) I have not been allowing myself to grieve. I wallowed in it a little while and felt so much better.
So, when situations allow, I am not going to hold it in anymore. It feels so much better to let my heart hurt.
Trey and I bought Keiran's ornament for the tree this year. It is a butterfly. I would post a pic, but I left my camera in San Antonio at my sister's house. It is really beautiful though. Even the woman at the checkout commented on it (several times).
I put it up on the tree next to her ornament from last year and I actually didn't feel that sad. Having small things there to remind me of her is a little bit like having her live on. I felt something a little like pride in putting it on the tree.
I confessed to Trey that sometimes I think that it would be better to just never have any more kids. He and I know that it is just the fear talking, but it seems so much less scary and easy.
He brought me back down to earth.
For the first time ever I just read my journal from the beginning. It was tough. I do see how far I've come though. I had forgotten a lot of stuff too. I am so glad that I decided to write here. I'll have it always now.
The closer it gets to Christmas the closer it gets to her birthday. The closer it gets to her birthday, the more depressed I get.
I am just a big flippin' ball of fun.
I am starting to slack at work. I have so much that I need to do and I am getting nothing done. I will regret this later.
We are not waiting anymore. We can't. I ovulated and our timing was very good.
I get to test Christmas day. That would be a hell of a sign. I've been waiting for one still.
I am doing ok so far. I really expected to be a wreck right now. I am on Christmas break, but have been busy enough to not stop and think.
Tomorrow is Trey's birthday. I already gave him his present (A Canon Rebel K2) he's wanted one since we started dating at 16! He was so thrilled.
I am hanging in there. Waiting for it all to hit again, but really hoping it doesn't.
Don't think I am pregnant. I'm ok though. Timing would have been very cool, but I'll keep waiting patiently.
Very sad today. :cry:
This is what my sister bought me for Christmas.
Argh. It is the 26th so I guess I have survived. Barely. I have a feeling I'll just be in a funk as her first birthday approaches.
My plumbing is all messed up again. Same dang pipe as last year. We're just going to dig it up and see what the problem is. It should be a ton of fun. :? At least we have gotten quite a bit of rain recently and the ground should be nice and soft.
...and because Keiran didn't have enough sites on the internet.
I needed to do something. I miss her more than usual.
Thank you for writing this, Dawn. :bighug:
Each day is another,
Gone by in a wink.
A year can't have passed,
Since we wrapped you in pink.
Time should have stopped,
No more days should have passed.
Our hearts need more time,
It's just too much to grasp.
One more touch, one more kiss
One more chance just to see.
One more hug, one more whisper
How much you mean to me
The heart is the place
We hold memories dear,
Of your beautiful hands,
And of holding you near.
Now, your presence is felt,
Though you're so far away.
A butterfly kiss,
Lets us know you're ok.
Sweet Angel Keiran,
Watching us from above.
For a year you've been missed,
With a lifetime of love.
The holidays have been tough this year, but I expected that. I think if I were actually pregnant, then it would be easier on me. But here we are on month 5 of trying, and nothing. Getting pregnant with Keiran was so incredibly easy. My very first month of charting I got pregnant. I guess I just expected it by now. It doesn't help that I have 50-day cycles now, practically twice the normal length. People keep telling me that it'll happen when it is meant to happen. That is the most aggravating thing to hear. Mostly because I feel like I've been waiting for a whole year to find out what will happen. We waited the whole pregnancy to find out what would happen with Keiran and now (after a few months of waiting for Trey to make up his damn mind) I am waiting to get pregnant. Half of me wants to scrap the whole damn plan and forget it. I don't want to wait anymore. I am so done with it. I can find no joy in the journey at this moment. Hopefully I'll be able to find some joy in pregnancy.
Maybe it is just my grieving spirit talking. Maybe I want to feel like something is finally turning around in my life. (I wrote "something is finally going right" and changed it because so much is right in my life). I'm just wanting some resolution. I know there will never be resolution for Keiran's death. I totally get that. I think I'm just at a very difficult point right now and.....
I just totally lost my train of thought. I am more confused now than when I began writing. That never happens.
I was looking at my chart and I figured out that I should be ovulating right around Keiran's birthday. My guess is that BDing is going to be the LAST thing on my mind. I guess that means another cycle down the drain. :roll:
I have had two dreams that have stuck with me lately. The first was God was telling me that he knows how I feel. He lost his son too. I told him it wasn't the same. He got to watch over his son and he knew he'd come back to him. He told me that was true, but his son suffered so much when he died and it was awful for a father to watch. When Keiran died she didn't suffer at all and now she gets to watch over us.
Then last night I had a dream that I was pregnant with another child with T13. He died before I was fullterm. They told me that I had to be induced and I refused. I told my doctor that they'd have to do a c-section because they needed to tie my tubes at the same time. I was never doing this again. I was so mad at him too. He told me that there was virtually no chance that this could happen again. It was awful. I woke up feeling so bad.
Been having a down time lately. My spirits were lifted yesterday.
First, my best friend called me and told me how she was a blubbering idiot on her way into work thinking about Keiran. I feel so much better that I am not alone. Thanks for sharing, J. You are amazing.
Then right after I got off the phone another friend called to tell me that she reads my journal. I am always so scared when people in my life read it. It is so honest, I really never held back. It would be pretty easy to bring me down, you know? She was so sweet and kind. Thank you Nicole, you had the gift of perfect timing.
I needed all that yesterday.
I went back through my Babies Online website and was thinking of deleting it now that I have the other one. I started reading through the guestbook and just cried and cried. I can't delete it now. All of those kind strangers with beautiful things to say really made my heart ache this morning. In that good way.
Hopefully I won't be the blubbering idiot on my way to work this morning.
I get home yesterday and there is a catalouge from God knows where. It is for birthday supplies for first birthdays. EVERYTHING that I initially signed up for I canceled. In fact, at another site I canceled three separate times before writing a scathing email.
It hurt, badly. I just wish that these companies were more compassionate. I'm sure my name and address were sold to everyone. I can guarantee that I won't be doing that again. I am still getting parenting magazines that I never signed up for. Trey just throws them away now.
I've been a wreck. Everything is so hard right now.
I'm here and still kicking. Just trying to make it through the week.
I've been thinking a lot about Keiran's birth. I read an account of a woman whose son was stillborn. Our experiences couldn't have been more different. She spoke of the chaos, but what I remember is peace. Of course there was great sadness, but also resolution. I've been told I was the calmest one in the room.
I'm very thankful for the mood in the room. The whole birth was a very calm, peaceful experience. That sounds odd to say, but everyone did what they were supposed to with minimal talking, and then left us to visit with her. I'm trying to hold onto this positive part of this whole experience.
I've almost made it through this week.
HUGE thanks to some super-fantastic friends who totally brightened my day.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
(there is one for each of you)
Our day went well. We got up and went to the store to buy the stuff to make her cake. Then we went out to lunch. On our way home we bought some balloons. We each wrote notes to her and released them in the park by our house. I need to use lighter paper next year as the trees almost got mine. We watched them until they disappeared. It was nice.
I made the cake and then worked in the garden. Then we went to my parents' house and celebrated. My sis, bil and niece came into town and my sister and I spent all night being stupid and laughing about everything. I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time. It was great.
There was one damper on our day. Trey's parents never bothered to call. He is so upset. I told him yesterday morning that I was done with them if they didn't call. They live close enough to stop by or call. Maybe his mom is mad at him for some reason. :roll: Who knows. I just know she is a bad person.
I am done with them now. I can't stand to let them hurt him anymore.
Trey and I got into a fight last night. Not a major one, but I am so frustrated with him.
Argh, hope he doesn't mind me sharing.
He has low testosterone. Low testosterone=no libido. No libido=no baby making.
He does have medicine that he can take, but he let the prescription run out. It helps out a lot, so I'm not sure why he stopped taking it. He willingly went to the doctor to discuss the problem almost 2 years ago. Now he doesn't want to take it? I don't get it. He knows how it makes me feel. As logical as I am, I can't help letting the thought cross my mind that he isn't attracted to me. How could it not?
When I woke up this morning he had written me a note. He said he is going to call the doctor, and if he needs to see him then he'll go and see him next week.
I sure hope he does.
In other news, his parents are still completely awful people. Trey worked up the courage to call his mom on Monday night to tell her how he felt. She instantly got defensive. He was so good too. He didn't attack or accuse. He was patiently repeating what he wanted her to know, "Mom it really hurt that you didn't call on Keiran's birthday." She was a flaming bitch though and claimed not to be able to read minds (said that 3 times). Then (my favorite part) she turned the tables and said how she calls us all the time, and visits us at our house, and we only come to her house once a year. What does this have to do with our daughter? Plus, we just happen to live near the store she comes into Austin for. It isn't like she makes special trips.
There are just no words.
I had an imaginary fight in my head with her last night (hope I'm not the only one that does that) and boy did I have words for her. I always feel so much better when I do that. I know it won't come down to that. I just hope they leave us alone.
Feeling so down again. Trey and I are bickering. I'm unsure about my job. (numbers are down and I am low-man on the totem pole)
I just need some flippin' stability and I can't find it.
Trey and I had a good talk today. I told him our chances of actually conceiving are 0% if he doesn't start following through. I told him that I am doing everything in my power to get this done and he is doing nothing. I am tired of everything being put on my shoulders. I chart (and do all that entails), I tell him when we are supposed to BD and he kind of shrugs it off. Getting pregnant with Keiran was so easy, I don't think he understands how lucky we were. I told him it was all or nothing. I can't do this alone. It is a physical impossibility and so frustrating. He either puts his all into it, or I am going back on birth control. He assured me that he really does want to conceive (I was dreading that he didn't want to any more). He apologized for being so stupid (his words, not mine). We agreed to do everything we were supposed to next cycle. Whenever that is....
Went to the doc today. I have a virus, so there is nothing that can be done. I'm ok though. Just some infection in my throat. I also got an epi pen for my severe shrimp allergy. He seemed surprised that I had never mentioned that or asked for one. I also talked to him about not being able to lose weight. He gave me some more tips and told me to give it four weeks. If nothing is happening then I will get some bloodwork done. He didn't even yell at me for going off the Lexapro. I was surprised. We got the names of two marriage counselors. He applauded our effort to work on things before there are any real problems. He gave us the name of a man and a woman. I'm not sure which to go with though...
Things are good. My job is still in question. I'm pushing that into the background though. No sense in worrying about it when there is nothing that I can do. I'll just give it my all like there is no question about next year. My little monsters deserve at least that!